iS iT jUsT mE?

Starting over

2010-08-03T09:56:00.000-04:00

I'm in the process of deactivating this blog and have established a new one...

http://blujewel-contrailsofthought.blogspot.com/

Pix from Jamaica

2010-06-13T14:55:00.000-04:00

This was the easiest way for me to make the pix visible.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=181735&id=653476690&l=1035de9c64

Fresh from yard

2010-06-08T00:58:00.002-04:00

For my readers who are on Facebook, you can see my latest pix of my most recent trip to Jamaica. For those who aren't, I am going to post them here in the next day or so.

Jewel drops

2010-05-26T02:03:00.000-04:00

My sexual needs are much greater than I ever imagined they'd be

I prefer pedicures to manicures

I feel empowered by driving a manual transmission vehicle

I do not believe the hype

The best fashion trend to follow is your own

In truth the degrees of separation is less than 6

I have exhausted my divine patience and am wondering how long before my human patience kicks in

(add on to previous) when it does, it sure isn't going to be pretty

I feel my sexiest when I'm wearing black

I look my prettiest when I'm smiling

I feel my strongest when defending someone I care about

I've learned that I know more than I thought I did

Things I used to think were off limits aren't and I enjoy them immensely

I am very much in touch with my masculine side

Silence is more damaging than the spoken word

I'd rather be confined to the madness of my own mind, than to be free in the madness around me

I am not nearly as social as people perceive me to be

The safest place I know is within my own heart/mind

Time may heal wounds, but love is a better bandage

I sometimes seek comfort in music before I would from a person

"Love is what I need to help me know my name" line from Love's Divine by Seal...Absolutely amazing line

There are few things sweeter than hearing someone say your name in the heat of passion

I have no idea what it's like to have a real/honest/true/consistent/loving relationship with my parents

I do; however, KNOW how to be a a real/honest/true/consistent/loving parent to my own child

I have conquered my own personal Mount Everest

Life IS good!

It's all possible!

preferences, comfort zones, and other like miscellany

2010-05-25T01:04:00.000-04:00

We all have an image of what we want in the opposite sex. We like them in various sizes, colours, shapes, and things that make us tick, but how much of it really exists in the gran'd scheme of things? So many of us have a Criteria List and that therein lies the problem. No, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have one; in fact I think we should as we all have standards in which we live by. what I am saying; however, is that we shouldn't let them be the absolute factor in whether or not someone is a good match for us.

My preference is a black man who's complexion is as dark as mine or darker. I'd like him to be at least 5' 10" seeing as i wear 3+ inch heeled shoes almost all the time. I'd like his weight to be between 170 - 210lbs depending on his height. A college education is not a requirement, but I'd like him to have an ability to speak with clear articulation/enunciation. I have an affinity for men in Law Enforcement or the military over civilians. I'd like him to be socially aware, possess the ability to take control and make decision, have good family values, be secure in his own skin, and self-sustaining and ambitious in terms of fulfilling his goals. These are some, yet not all of the things I'd like in a man, but truth be told, my getting them all would be like me sitting in a lab to create him as he is for the most part a figment of my imagination. Yes, I want these things, but actually getting them is something I'm actually afraid of. Why? Because then I have nothing to look forward to. There would be no growth process between us in the ways that it counts. When we get what we want, we tend to not fully appreciate it as we should and in the end we sometimes find ourselves now looking for flaws instead of the things we thought we wanted in the first place.

In my current 'relationship', he is almost the polar opposite of my criteria list. He's white, he's 10 yrs my junior, he's talented; though does not use his talents to pursue his ambitions and he's certainly not a good decision maker. While he meets the height requirement, he does not have the weight/brawn that i like, but he is strong.

The point I'm trying to make is that even with the likes/dislikes and the things that are/aren't on my Criteria List, he and I get along very well. We engage in some amazing conversations, we share an unusual sense of humour, our time together is well balanced, and even when we disagree, it's done with decency. Truth be told, I'm happy that he doesn't meet many of the items on my list. I enjoy the differences we share and how we've been able to find a good meeting place in the middle. i find his quirkiness rather endearing and most of all, I just like him for who he is.

I once came across the words, "I love you just the way you are; now change". It was a startling reminder of what I went through with my ex husband and how it cause so much hurt/pain in my life as I myself working to live up to the phrase. Every now and then it resonates in my life when I'm tempted to pull my Criteria List out and feel inclined to stack the chips against it and someone I like. I recall that unrealistic expectation, that hurt, the inability to live by someone else's image of whom I should be. Even though I've never intentionally wanted to hold someone by a standard, I'm sure I have in some way and for that I apologize. But what I do know is that I can and do fully appreciate not being confined to a comfort zone. I do still have preferences, but do not let them prohibit me from getting to know someone who's not necessarily what I think I'm looking for. Just as I want to be accepted for who I am, I must accept others for who they are and together we just might be everything we've ever wanted.

It's all possible!

previous post stirred up some thangs!

2010-05-24T07:00:00.001-04:00

It's bad enough Fantasia came out with that song Bittersweet, which made think of a certain someone, but in truth it did more than that. What it did was take me for a stroll down memory lane where I recounted the many days and nights we shared. There were some very long talks; there were some nights of passionate love making; there were some nights were we just held each other as if it was our last night together; and there were even some nights were I cursed his very existence. In spite of it, he made and indelible mark on my life and I'm not sure there will be another like him, which is probably a good thing anyway; no one needs a replica of another person.

Our time together was life defining and an experience that at least afforded me some much needed life/love lessons on trust, endurance, faith, friendship; to name a few. For a long time I wondered what my life would be without him in it and for a little while, I found out. It was good for the learning curve and to force each of us to grow up in many ways. We came back to each other as we always did; the boomerang effect, but never enough to form the commitment I used to think we should have.

Time, distance, and honest growth has shown me that I'm okay with how things have turned out between us. Finally letting go pf him, was the best way of holding on to me. Truth be told, I have had a moment or two where I wanted to feel the intense draw of our chemistry; the trepidation of the kiss; and finally the passion of our love making, but that was then and this is now. We had a good run and we're still friends, which for most isn't easy to maintain, but I'm good with where we are now. We'll always be on the same street; just driving in different cars.

It's all possible!

Current song I'm digging

2010-05-23T19:03:00.001-04:00

This is not the official video for this song; Bittersweet by Fantasia; however, the song is too good to not share/post it.

When I heard the song, my heart involuntarily and spontaneously skipped a beat as I momentarily paused to the recall the one person who resembled the song. It's crazy that even after all these years that he can even get that kind of reaction. I don't hate him and I'm no longer in love with him, but he'll always be the one who gave love and loving such emphasis in my life.

I don't think of him with remorse or bitterness; in fact it's quite the opposite because in spite of how things didn't turn out between us, we shared a lot of good memories, time, and a bond that nothing can erase. How many of you have had someone in your life that this song can relate to?

Every now and then
I still get a flashback
Of the time I spent
Thinking you could be that one
Should I have just kept your love?

Yes I understand,
We did have some good times
On the other hand,
Got my crying all night
It was too much for my mind

So even though I left you
I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Damn I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

'Cause when I think about you

It's bittersweet...

I still have the box
Full of things you gave me
Start to throw it out
Something always stops me, yeah
I'm not as over you as I said

Deep inside my heart
I made the right decision
But it's gonna hurt
When you might less think it
Did I make a big mistake?

Even though I left you

I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

'Cause when I think about you

It's bittersweet...

See I don't understand
Like, somebody is gonna get hurt
Out of this situation
And you just hope it's not you

At times...

Part of me wants you, part of me don't
Part of me is missing you, part of me is gone
Part of me is saying that the love is still strong,
Part of me is letting go

So even though I left you
I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

When I think about you, it's bittersweet

It's bittersweet....

own worst enemies

2010-05-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

I'm trying; well, not really, to understand why women become their own worst enemies. I can't for the life of me figure out why women go to such great lengths to be in a relationship with someone who has said from the start that he's not looking for a relationship. Does she think that once the sex is laid down or she does a few nice things for him that he's going to change his mind? News flash....he's NOT going to.

When engaging in a FwBs type relationship, the rules of engagement have to be establish at the onset and adhered to as things progress. Both parties typically agree that while they may spend time, have sex, and partake in whatever social activities they've agree to, but the bottom line is that NO feelings get born of the status. While I recognize that sometimes there are things that make one get a bit emotional, the rules of engagement still need to be respected and enforced. Nothing good comes from trying to force a relationship where there isn't one. In addition, the boundaries of social etiquette must be clearly established and maintained also.

Nothing is more pathetic than the woman in the FwB relationsihp tossing all the rules out the window and creating her own agenda, which sadly will only leave her in the deficit anyway. Case in point, my brother was seeing Wendy (not her real name) and it was established from the start what it was between them. Wendy appeared to be okay with it all; however, there was things she said and did that raised flags. I cautioned my brother to be careful as I felt she was catching feelings and was using her "kindness" as her weapon to sway him into a permanent relationship. Fortunately for bro, his sis is a wise woman and he's always receptive to my voice of reason. I digress...Anyway, bro as an assortment of female friends; none of whom are all sexual partners and Wendy found herself a bit jealous of that. She had not inquired if he was having sex with anyone other than him, so even if he was, she was still in no position to contest it; save for insisting protection be use at all times. Well, Ms. Wendy takes her lack of being able to pin my bro down, her jealously, and her insecurity to the next level. She set up spyware on the laptop she loaned him and kept a running record of his chats and such. She also managed to get into his personal email when his account was up and he was out of the room. Wendy took it upon herself to send emails of Instant Message (IM) conversations to other woman.

The woman who were recipients of the emails, contacted my bro and asked him about them; though realizing that it was odd and would be inappropriate by every stretch of the imagination that he would send them. After bro received the information, he immediately realized what had happened and was promptly pissed.

Now, what Wendy apparently didn't take into consideration was her antics would in no way make bro want to maintain any semblance of contact with or want to get back with her; and why would he anyway? Furthermore, she's contacting women she doesn't know and they could have very easily turned the tables on her. Her actions wreaked of all the things that made women look stupid in a mans eye; mine too.

Back in December I had a situation of Krypto's ex girlfriend calling me, but she was wise to hang up before I answered. Being the mature AND secure woman I am, I contacted Krypto and made it abundantly clear that he handle the situation as i don't do that kind of bullshit/drama and out of respect for his and my friendship I wouldn't contact her. After he made my feelings known, you would think that she would respect my wishes and leave me alone right? Oh, no! Ms. Thang decided she would txt me the following morning apologizing and trying to justify her actions. Really? So, it was bad enough that she violated her exes (Krypto) privacy and got my number out of his phone; then she called me; and now she's txtn me? Now, that's a bold, but really dumb chic right there, because now she's put the ball back in my court and I was about to go game, set, and match on her ass.

After I digested the txt and gave my spirit room for pause, I called her. I told her; without having to raise my voice or letting Ebonica loose, that I was not the one to play with and that I was firm in my not wanting her to contact me in any way. I went on to tell her that her insecurity was not my issue and that whatever issues she had she needed to work them out independent of me. My friendship with Krypto was just that; a friendship and if she couldn't handle it, that wasn't my problem. Once the warmth of my icy words were firmly delivered, I hung up and called him to let him know I was forwarding the txt to him and that I'd called his ex and voiced my extreme displeasure. This is how a grown/mature/secure woman handles the futile attempts of an insecure woman.

Woman need to find their core worth, wealth, and value in and of themselves instead of using me to make them feel whole. They need to stop with the game playing, the creation of relationships that don't exist, and most importantly contacting women whom they feel is a threat to them. While in theory they may feel their actions are justified, they often quickly see how the practicality of it all is pretty sad and pathetic. My final thought on the situation is as the adage goes, "if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen".

It's all possible!

Ready, set....NOPE!!!

2010-05-17T19:09:00.000-04:00

It's been five years since I was in a relationship and the time off has been quite an experience; good, bad, and whatever. I've learned so much about myself, seen life through very different eyes, and finally came to a place of peace that I wasn't sure I'd get to; however, I did and boy am I happy I have.

Since the end of July 2008, I began dating; something I'd never done in my past. Seeing that I was a serial monogamist and a 'late bloomer', the initial thought of seeing different people seemed a rather odd and lofty adventure on my part. Given that I'm blessed to have some amazing friends in my life, they guided me through the process and I entered the very new world of dating and to my surprise; found that I actually enjoyed it. I liked having options, the ability to venture into various activities that I may not have if I'd been in a monogamous relationship, and I just like having the liberty of just being free.

While I'm liberal to some degree with sex, the thought of being sexual with multiple partners was out of the question. The one I saw with the most frequency was the one I slept with, and kept things topical with the others. Over time, I began weening as I refused to stay on the ride, when the momentum was gone and I didn't want to send mixed signals.

Ready....When I finally called it quits altogether and entered back into my single and celibate state. In the process, I'd finally and completely gotten over Kyrpto, which was an emotional expenditure that had long since run its course. The friendship with Heart's Desire had grown exponentially and I felt that's definitely where I wanted to be. Truth be told, I'd fallen for him, which in and of itself was a celebration to pale July 4th as it had taken 14 1/2yrs to me to actually feel that way about anyone else; to include my ex husband. I was willing to see where that could go until there was a left turn in Albuquerque and had to put that idea on the back burner. It didn't end my feelings for him, but it did make me not regret my decision to be celibate again, which lasted almost four days shy of four months when I saw him again. It was once again, another wonderful experience, another step in the direction of feeling that I was ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Through him, I saw that part of me that In some ways, I'd missed in the five year relationship break I'd been on.

Set...So, there it was, me single once again. I decided it was best that I remain single and not date. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to ensure that my heart was in fact ready, and that I would be open and receptive to a potential relationship.

Nope...As if like cosmic amusement, I found myself in a completely unexpected and accidental FwB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. Unlike one I'd entered into before, this one came very well equipped with all the friendship I needed to make put us in a non-balanced place. Neither of us expected what had happened and neither of us regret the decision to continue as we still tried to figure out how we'd even gotten involved.

He was given the moniker of The Accidental Playmate; The Playmate for short. Neither of us are currently employed, so we have a lot of time to do things we might not have being employed. We call the time we share together play dates, which in some cases are just that. As I said, we don't always reduce our shared time to just sex. We go out and about, we watch movies and discuss the plot; sometimes we just sit and talk, and he's been a great source of strength and comfort during this time with me settling my daughter's fathers estate. The Playmate has brought a level of balance to my life at a time when I needed a friend; intimacy, and most of all NO STRESS/DRAMA. We completely and totally respect each other and make no demands for anything the other isn't willing or able to give.

For a while, I was completely sure that I was Ready and Set for emotional permanence, but it's pretty obvious that I'm not and you know what? I'm very much okay with that!

It's all possible!

on being bi-cultured!

2010-05-08T07:33:00.001-04:00

Since I can remember, I've enjoyed being English by birth and Jamaican by blood. I've enjoyed being able to slip between speaking standard English and Patois (Jamaican dialect; NOT a language). I think it's great to be able to speak in my "native tongue", although it's not quite a good as it could be. Why? because over the years; primarily since living in the U.S, people have had a hard time understanding when I speak English (with my East London/cockney twang), so my speaking Patois can be that much more confusing; unless I'm around Jamaicans of course. The funny thing is that , Jamaicans can tell if you're from England or have lived in the U.S because you're dialect is "off". The exception to the rule is for those who speak Patois daily and only "flip" when absolutely necessary.

I love that I eat a variety of foods that to some seem odd. I like that I can eat something for breakfast that can also be served for dinner. I've been drinking liquor since childhood because Jamaicans put rum in many drinks or will turn a regular glass of Guinness in a "punch" so it's children friendly.

We can and do turn every event into a party. I recall my birthday last year and I asked my cousin if she'd cook breakfast for me and she said yes, and a simple breakfast turned into a full-fledged brunch which lasted until 5:00pm. We ate, danced, took pictures, and enjoyed each others company.

Culturally, we'll have more than one generation living under one roof and family ties are maintained and drama gets squashed instead of people keeping their distance. We like going "home" or "back a yard" because there is nothing like clean air, organic food, white sand beaches, and being able to just be.

I've never denied who I am or where I'm from and never will. I embrace every part of my dual heritage and celebrate it often.

It's all possible!

Thoughts on women redux

2010-05-07T07:25:00.001-04:00

After talking to the boys about why they're still single, this is what they told me...

If women spent more time fixing their own problems instead of talking about other women, they'd be much better off.

Stop saying you want a man who has this or that, but you have nothing of substance to bring to the table.

If a man cheated on his wife with you, what makes you so special that he won't do it to you?

If a man does not take care of the children he already has, why would you have a child with him?

Tattooing a man's name on your neck/breast does not make you his wife/woman

It's okay be single; really

Sleeping with a man does not constitute a relationship

Know the rules before you play the game

Just because you have a good job, can cook, and f*ck like a porn star means nothing if there is no real depth to your personality

Seeing a man because he has a good job, lives in a nice home, and dresses well doesn't make him the Right Man; he's still just a man

Woman should not be afraid of being a woman, but instead embrace it, live it, and be proud of it

Stop being acting like you don't need a man when you're doing all kinds of things to get a man

Woman can't press a man about being on the down low if they're not forthcoming about their sexual history

If you suspect a man is gay; he just might be. Trust your instincts and walk away!

You can not fix a man

Learn to listen and let the man speak

There were many more things that were said, but I'll save them for another time

randoms

2010-05-06T06:00:00.001-04:00

I think skinny dipping is great

Ever wonder if that cute girl/guy you've been crushing on will look as cute while they're sleeping?

If you became famous, how much of your life would you change?

I don't feel sorry for celebs who eff their lives up because I'm offended that they've squandered their talent and shit on those who are struggling to make it.

I had an opportunity to date celebs and turned it down. Just didn't want to 1) become just a f*ck and 2) didn't want my life to be on display by being with them

You're given $10,000 to get cosmetic surgery, what would you change and why?

Sometimes I look at the guys in men's magazines and wonder if 1) they're gay or 2) how big their penis is.

Kissing on the first date; a go or no go?

I have a mental crush on a few actors and wonder if they'd kiss as good in real life as they make it look on t.v

Then again, I'm not sure I'd really want to know because I'd be really disappointed if it were bad. This is the one time I think fantasy is better than reality

How come fat people always order diet drinks?

If you're completely compatible in every way with the object of your affection, but they can't really move you in bed, do you settle for bad sex or move on?

I considered changing my name to something else when I was younger and sometimes wish I'd gone through with it

How come smokers smoke in their car and then throw the butts out the window?

If a man masturbates, does that constitute murder? (been thinking about that for some time after watching Legally Blonde)

I've worn something and then taken it back for no other reason than I just wanted it for the occasion

I know stealing is wrong, but got quite a kick out of doing it when I was a kid. I'd be hard pressed to do it now though. Guess I've got too much to lose.

I feel guilty when I hear gospel songs that I don't like

I have a family member that I want to slap the taste out of her mouth so bad

If you found out you were dating your half-brother/sister how would you confront your parent(s)?

I like to send cards/notes through snail mail just because

I saw a boy in girls skinny jeans and it was very disturbing to me because he had a girlfriend. (since when were girls jeans interchangeable? Help!)

I've often wondered what it would be like to see myself through someone else's eyes...literally!

what makes me happy

2010-05-05T22:21:00.000-04:00

Knowing and appreciating that I'm a child of God

Standing up even when I want to fall down

Seeing Lil Lady smile

Cooking and watching people eat

Playing tambourine in church

Spending time with my cousins in FL

Getting into or creating shenanigans

Hearts Desire

Being the woman i am

Waiting for love to come instead of forcing it to happen

Stolen moments

Being a blessing to others and being in a position to bless others

Hagen Daaz Five mint ice cream

Sunflowers and Calla Lillies

Being encouraged

It's all possible!

From afar

2010-04-28T15:09:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday, i had an opportunity to see Heart's Desire as he was on the east coast for business. In light of what I'm going through, seeing him was a pleasant detour from my current journey and sharing time with him filled in some of the emptiness in my life.

Our time was limited due to his having to head back to NY that evening, but limited time was still time enough as quality over quantity prevails in my book.

The feelings we have for each other are still very much in tact and it's amazing how two people remain so well connected in spite of a three thousand mile gap between them. It served to remind me that distance is no match for what one feels in their heart. Lil Lady likes him; even after only meeting him twice now and believes that the company he recently did business with will make him an offer he can't refuse and he'll be hack on the east coast. She is absolutely convinced that he and I will end up together and that the current she in his life doesn't have his heart; I do. Rather impressive and lofty thoughts, but I embrace them as we are well suited for each other.

Right now, I need every positive thought I can get and have, so I'll take it and tuck it into my heart as I continue to get little reminders that delay does not mean denial.

Enjoy your day family.

It's all possible!

where do i even begin?

2010-04-28T00:57:00.000-04:00

It's funny; actually it's not, how life takes sudden turns that exceed the normal left turns in Albuquerque and leave you stranded on life's highway saying, "what happened, and how the hell did I get here?"

Well, of late that's been the state of my existence. I woke up one morning and found out that I was one of the many people who would be laid off due to the company losing the contract. I was neither shocked nor disappointed as I knew it had nothing to do with my work performance; however, the prospect of being unemployed didn't sit well with me as I like working. I did consider how long it would take me to become re-employed? Did I have enough saved as not to touch my IRA? And what would I do with my now abundance of free time?

I used the time to take on an autobiographical writing project that I've been encouraged to write for some time now. It began with some ease, but I hit a couple of roadblocks and put said project on hold. Shortly before I decided to take it on again, another spin out occurred...I was informed that someone who had a major roll in my life died suddenly and since that fateful day, my life has been somewhat of a blur.

As much as I want to go back to work, I realize that the timing of my job loss and the life loss afforded me the time to handle affairs that have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I have a gaping wide whole in my life and heart right now and have no idea how/when it'll close. Time heals they say, but I don't want time to heal a damn thing, I just want to hit rewind and get back what should still be here anyway.

Anger, pain, and frustration aside, I strive to move forward and embrace life and living a lot stronger/harder than I did before. I'm looking at life more closely and effectively because losing my recently turned 46 year influential person showed me that we don't know how/when our life will be over and we've got to find and hold on to things of substance; release ourselves from the drama/pain/toxicity and live and make things possible.

Those who know of my loss, tell me that I'm a strong woman and that I can get through this, but what if I don't want to be strong? What if I want or need to be weak? Does anyone ever consider that? Do people really think that just because one is perceived to be strong that they can handle all the shit the life drops in their life? Uhm? I'll take "no, for a thousand Alex!" Yes, I've overcome a lot of pain, adversity, and generally being screwed over and shit on in my life; all of which I can say I've gotten over; at least for the most part. But this, my dear readers, is not something I'm going to simply "get over". I'm not going to wake up one morning and think that his loss was a good thing. I'm not going to be stronger because he's gone. My strength doesn't make a Super Woman; all it does and has done is make me find alternative ways to deal with the crap. This not so much! I hate that he's gone! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!!!!

The ONLY summation I can give to this is that God must have one heck of a plan for me and that He's going to bless me with something amazing. All of these trials are the polishing tools to bring me to my most refined and ready point to receive His blessing. I have opened my heart and mind to this thought because I believe it and because it's the only thing that makes sense of the sudden changes in my life.

Well, that's all folks! I haven't re read this so I haven't a clue if it makes sense or follows any logical sequence, which would be in total keeping with my life.

It's all possible (whatever IT is)

More tales from the airport - flight home FLL to ACY

2010-03-12T20:21:00.001-05:00

So, in fine keeping with my flight from ACY to FLL; my flight home was equally wrought with drama.

Given that I fly the same flight pattern for my return home, I arrived at FLL a little over an hour before my flight time and proceed to the security area only to be told I need to go to the end of the line. I'm immediately confused as the line was damn near a quarter line long and went out the door to the curb. Naturally, I think there's a mistake and promptly announce that my flight is departing within the hour and I need to get through security.

The Spirit staff tell me that it's not up to them, but the authority of the TSA to determine who can move through the line faster; and the TSA was less than accommodating by telling me I'm not the only one with a flight to catch and that I'll make my flight. Heavens to Murgatroid I say to myself as I stomp away fuming inside. I make a call to my cousin to give her the heads up that I'm cutting it close to making my flight and I might be spending another night in her home state. Of course she has no issue with that, but I really did want to get home.

By the grace of the divine powers that be, I manage to get through security and hustle my skinny jeans; stiletto heeled wearing self through the densely. populated terminal and board the plane. As I'm coming down the aisle, I make eye contact with this cute white boy who announces to the flight attendant that he's buying his boy in seat 1A a drink; so I inquire if he's buying me one too. He eyes me up and down, takes my hand and asks what seat I'm in. I tell him and he tells me that he's got me and asks what I'm drinking. Who'd have thought there would be some redemption for all the initial drama of making the flight?!

I throw down on the food I'd brought on with me and doze off momentarily. My snooze is promptly interrupted by the flight attendant who hands me my drink compliments of the cute white boy in seat 3A. I send a thank you note back with her and prepare to enjoy my richly deserved drink.

A Jack and Coke and a nap later, I arrive at ACY where I'm picked up by the BFF and blab on about my raucous weekend before getting going home to the comfort of my own bed and sleep on the memory of another great weekend with the best cousins a girl would ask for.

It's All Possible!

Tales from ACY update

2010-03-05T17:21:00.000-05:00

So, we finally leave ACY about 3:00 pm after the delays and I situated myself and went to sleep. Upon landing, I went through the minutia of retrieving my luggage, vacating the plane, and made my way out of the terminal to wait for my ride and then it hits me...IT'S COLD! It was like in the mid 50s and I only had on a light denim jacket and a knitted scarf; thank goodness for the scarf though because it actually kept me warm.

I arrive at my cousin's eat; as it's imperative that I eat within an hour of landing or I will become ill. Don't ask. It's some crazy altitude thing. After eating, I make some calls to see what mischief I can get myself into. Upon visiting my other cousin, I was given a bottle of Jamaica rum punch and anyone familiar with Jamaican White Rum compliments of Wray & Nephew knows that is some serious rum; essentially not for the novices. Ironically, I'm rather scared of the stuff; however, it tasted so good (straight from the bottle) that I couldn't stop drinking it, and after my tentative plans failed to materialize, I ended up drinking, 3/4s of the bottle and lived to tell about it the next morning. My cousin drank the missing 1/4.

I'm hoping not to have tales from FLL upon my return as I'll be on the last flight for the day and have no desire to be stuck in an airport again. Should some misfortune fall upon me, I'll simply call my cuzzie and have her come and get me and take the morning flight out.

Traveling is as enjoyable as it is stressful; however, it's a great means of transportation if you mentally innocculate yourself from the foolishness you endure in order to board.

It's all possible!

Tales from ACY (Atlantic City International Airport)

2010-03-04T13:50:00.002-05:00

Given that I usually pack a week prior to travel, I should have seen my lack or typical preparation as a sign. After a morning of errands and a Dr appt, I arrived at ACY with enough time to endure the grueling Homeland Insecurity of the TSA in order to board the plane. I paid the ridiculous price of $2.31 for a 16oz fountain sode and sat in the eating area people watching as I devoured a sandwich, chips and my freshly spiked Pepsi. Altitude makes me hungry so I have to eat prior to flying; sometimes while in the air and within an hourof landing or the effects of not eating manifest in an ugly fashion.

So, after eating, I mosey to the gate and wait patiently for my flight. During my wait. I'm engaged in four separate conversations to pass the time. Blackberry's make excellent travel companions :-). My buzz is feeling good and I'm ready to get this road on the show (intentionally said backwards) for my weekend of fun. And then the dreaded announcement comes, "attention passengers on flight 235 nonstop to Ft. Lauderdale has been delayed due to a disabled plane on the runway. We're sorry for the inconvenience, but we'll have you on your way as soon as we can. Thank you for your patience and cooperation. Thank me for my what? What freaking choice did I have in the matter? I have no choice but to wait because making a scene won't move the plane and it will certainly get me escorted out by security. That would not be a good look and would have my name added to the TSA watch list.

So, I find a vacant seat as I'd been standing and park myself as I wait for another announcement. It comes in the form on the plane being moved and we're now looking at a 2:00pm departure. The original time of departure was 12:37pm. Good thing my ground transportation lives close enough to the airport and can still get me once I land. I'm also glad that modern technology afforded me the opportunity to communicate the constant change in. Departure.

I continue to sit and tell you my tale and then another passenger sits in front of me and announces he felt like he was in an episode of 24 after the level of interrogation and search he endured. Poor thing! I'm sure as hell glad it didn't happen to me because I'm not sure how well that would have gone.

Another announcement tells the anxious passengers that the plane was rerouted to LGA ( La Guardia) and would be arrive shortly and our newly scheduled departure would be @ 2:37pm; two hours after its original departure time. Now, I have to txt my friend whom I planned to see upon landing to say I'll be even later. Hopefully, he'll still want to wait around for me ;-)

So, this is my tale from ACY. A follow up post will be forthcoming to let you know if we actually leave on time and what frame of mind I was in upon arrival. Oh, needless to say, my buzz is now BLOWN :-(

Its all possible!

New Tat

2010-02-24T18:48:00.000-05:00

On my back right side, by my shoulder. The words are in Sanskrit and mean Love, Trust, Harmony. This makes #12.

It's all possible!

Favourite song of the moment

2010-02-24T18:40:00.001-05:00

It's all possible!

Sanctuary

2010-02-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

You came back into my life
And from day one
Effortlessly peeled away the layers
Until you reached my innermost sanctum
Taking up residency like a stubborn squatter
As if my soul was where you were supposed to be
© 2010

It's all possible!

Right Now

2010-02-17T23:11:00.001-05:00

It's not a new song, but dammit if it's not a good one. I found it while searching for some decent music to listen to. It's perfect for those moments when you want to just kick back and chill. Check it out and thank me later ;-)

It's all possible!

enough already

2010-02-16T21:31:00.000-05:00

This is what my house looked like during the last snow storm on 6 Feb. We got more snow later in the week on Wednesday and Thursday. We're starting to thaw out now and you can actually see my street and driveway etc. I'm praying there' be no more snow or those of you who live in a warm state will be getting a house guest.

It's all possible!

No-homo

2010-02-15T17:53:00.003-05:00

This post was inspired by Luv.

In the comment to my last post, Luv gave me compliment on my current pic and said, "yeah i looked at your pic and instantly was like what's wrong with these guys. you are gorgeous (no homo").

Why is it that we have to put a disclaimer on giving someone a compliment? Has society gotten that far out of control that we can't give someone of the same gender a compliment without being thought of as "homo"?

I think it's half past ridiculous that we're taking 'politically correctness' to this extreme. In fact, there is nothing I deem politically incorrect about giving someone a damn compliment. If someone is pretty, sexy, or whatever the verb of the day is and you want to speak on it, then dammit; speak on it. No one should have to preface what they're saying; especially when they're saying something nice.

I'm so sick and tired of everything having to have some kind of preface or disclaimer to it when it comes to everyday people, but if we're referring to a celebrity, it's okay to say they're whatever the complimentary very is for them. Don't try to sell me London Bridge cause 1) it doesn't exist and 2) it damn sure isn't in London and 3) I don't have that kind of cash anyway.

My point is, when you come to iS iT jUsT mE? you can whatever you'd like in response to my pix or what I post without prefacing it. Just know that if you come at me sideways without just cause, I'm going to give it back to you. I welcome debate, I just ask people to not use profanity or resort to name calling when trying to make their point.

Now, that all being said, please don't refrain giving someone a compliment if you feel they deserve it and certainly don't preface it as it then becomes backhanded and insincere.

That's my jewel dusting for the day and thanks again to Luv for the inspiration.

It's all possible!

It's a little sweeter!

2010-02-14T18:21:00.002-05:00

Okay, since my last post, I've been hit by more snow than a woman a should have to shovel, but oh well, the good of the bad is that my arms, shoulders and back are in optimal condition.

Thank you all for your support and such with my last post and here's an update to that.

Since, The Him's email, we've continued to communicate as friends, although some of our conversations have taken not just a left turn Albuquerque; but went up the mountain too. How? You might ask, so I shall tell...

I volunteered to update his resume as he's going through some things at work and is seeking new employment. In doing so he thanked me and I replied saying, "my pleasure" and he sighed. Naturally, I was concerned and asked what could be wrong. He replied, "nothing I can fix right now". Me being me, said some encouraging things to boost his spirits thinking it was work related. A few minutes later, he said, "thanks. lol. It's YOU!" I blushed every hue of red, realizing the impact of what he said and meant. *cue Hawa's comment about "his little experiment*!

Anyhoo, the conversation went back and forth about his feelings for me and how connected he feels to me. This line of conversation went on for almost a week and it's blatantly obvious that his feelings are like the still river running deep and it's only the distance (he's on the left coast if I didn't mention that before) that's the problem.

So, here I am with feelings deep enough to swim in and I'm cool with that. I take comfort in knowing that the feelings involved are completely mutual and his honesty makes him even more attractive. We've lyrically spoken which is another effective means of our on-going communication and that in itself is rather attractive. *cue the harps and angels*

In closing, I'll say that this is probably the best relationship I've never had and I'm enjoying every waking minute of it. It feels good to feel and it's even better to know that there's reciprocity involved. Those who are in my innermost circle are all sending positive vibes into the universe and they're all conspiring in my favour to ensure that "his little experiment" does not produce favourable results and he becomes mine; all mine and the distance will be replaced.

It's great to have such wonderful cheerleaders in my life. *high kicks and pom-poms in the air*

There you have it readers; another update in the life of Blu Jewel.

Oh, B2B how'd do you like this pic?

It's all possible!

Bittersweet

2010-02-02T08:27:00.001-05:00

Well, as you all know I’d fallen for an old friend and things between us were good. The distance as we both knew would present us with a problem. In spite of it, we managed to maintain and sustain good communication and correspondence.

It was known that we’d both been dating other people off and on; however, it didn’t take away from what we felt for each other. I had the biggest challenge of all because I’d prayed with my entire being that he’d be mine for keeps this year. The few people who knew the intricate details surrounded me with their support and encouraged me to allow myself to feel and fall; especially given what the former Him had taken me through.

I have absolutely no regrets for opening my heart and emotions and allowing myself to fall completely in love. Hell, I needed to experience it to know that I could in fact love someone other than the Former and the feelings go requited without compromise.

Well, last night; in the most sincere and even romantic of ways, the current Him said that he and the woman he’d been seeing on and off had discussed becoming monogamous and he was going to give it a go. Naturally, this is not what I wanted to hear; however, in the spirit of honesty and the respect for our friendship, how could I take the news that would bruise my heart badly? Yes, believe me, it felt like a mule kicked me in my gut, but again, he was open and honest with me and that means far more to me than losing him. The reality is that I haven’t lost him entirely; we’re still friends and will remain as such. We’ll continue to correspond; we just have to do it within different confines. I will not flirt and/or be suggestive in any way as that defiles both my integrity and his pending relationship.

I sincerely wished him well with his decision and told him that I hope she treats him well or she’ll have me to deal with. *lol* You know I had to go there.

All jokes aside, I can only love and respect him more for his candor and honesty and it attests to the wonderful man that he is inside and out. He even stated that ordinarily he’d just stop communicating, but his affinity toward me prevented him from doing that and I deserved the truth. Wow!

So, there you have it; the update on my love status. I guess I’ll resume my seat on the back of the bus and keep riding until it’s worth getting off again.

On Forgiveness - Sins of a Mother

2010-01-30T18:35:00.007-05:00

"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." Matthew 5:11

I refer to this scripture because I hold it very near and dear to my heart and life. Why? Because throughout my life there have been people who have spoken ill against me or have chosen to persecute me for their own gain. Yes, we've all had moments in our lives where someone has been less than loving in their actions or speech to us, but when your own mother is the one speaking ill of you and thus, persecuting you, there is a very big problem.

At various points in my life, my mother has spoken ill about me based on speculation, assumption, or from jealously. Note that my mother harbours a level of residual anger and bitterness that has lasted over 4 decades and she's yet to let it go. I, on the other hand, have gotten over said anger/bitterness and have put full closure on old hurts. I'm not sure if that's actually the root of why she speaks ill of me and seeing as I've never asked, I'm still none the wiser. In addition, I've accomplished much in my life that she's either wanted to do or was never able to do, so maybe that's a part of it too.

In spite of her many shortcomings in her parental and motherly role, I will give credit where credit it due. She's strong, independent, and very able. She's not afraid of hard work and has fulfilled the joke of Jamaicans working many jobs. She's never counted on a man to sustain her and to date continues to work while her husband; my stepfather took an early retirement almost a decade ago. She came though for me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through my treatment and surgeries. It's credit I will never take from her; however, it still doesn't erase that she feels it's okay to defile me for no apparent reason.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ²"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."^a]">[a] ⁴Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-5

I refer to this scripture because in the midst of my mother berating and defiling me, she referred to said scripture, but only the first and second verse. How convenient.

I digress...The point I'm making is how easy it is for people; in this case my mother, to speak about what she doesn't know. Little does my mother know that I'm a sexual abuse and a rape survivor. Why doesn't she know? 1) because she didn't pay enough attention to me to notice a change in my behaviour, 2) I spared her from such knowledge, and 3) I didn't trust her enough to feel comfortable telling her. I spent a little over 3 decades of my life self-mutilated and bordered on an eating disorder. There are these and many other things that I've spared her from knowing, yet, she regards me as some relationship reject. How she can do is astounds me when she remains in a loveless marriage and they simply coexist because neither had the balls to get out of it. But because I divorced my ex-husband and am currently single, she sees me as wasting my life. The fact is, I'd rather continue to be single and happy than to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Out of her children, I'm the only one with a college education; a career, and has a mortgage. Even though I didn't remain with Lil Lady's father, I never disparaged him in front of her or made her feel like she had to chose between one of us or the other; things that I was subjected growing up. I graduated from Basic Training in the top 10 percent of the class and I went through Basic with males AND females, which is a military rarity as they do not typically mix genders.

Again, I digress. It's apparent there is much to be said about this situation, but I'm trying to remain on topic. Here goes...

Last Saturday, my mother took it upon herself to defame me to my twin cousin. She went on and and on about how I didn't do this or that, or how I've squandered my life, and how she never wanted this or that for me. Not once, she she consider that what she was doing was and is wrong. Not only was she speaking ill of her only daughter, she was speaking ill of me to a cousin (on my father's side) that she'd only met once before and with whom I'm extremely close. My cousin tried to interject and defend me, but my mother didn't want to hear it until finally my cousin found a way to flip the conversation.

My cousin was hurt and disgusted and had to remain silent until I'd returned home to tell me what happened. We spent the better part of an hour talking about it and deciding how it should be handled. The next morning I called her to say that I was okay albiet still confused and upset, but I was confident the church service would make me feel better. As I sat in church contemplating whether or not to testify on it, I finally did and it actually felt good to release it in order to work through it. The service was on point and I began to feel my spirit take course. For the duration of the week, my cousin and I prayed, read the word, and meditated on how we should deal with both the situation and my mother. By the end of the week, we realized that no matter what my mother said or why she said it, was on her. It was not our issue and we should not allow it to affect us. It doesn't matter what my mother thinks of me, I know I'm a good person, I've worked hard without compromising myself to get where I am now, and for the negative words of one, there are many who can speak to the contrary.

It was a hard week and it took a long time to come to a place of true peace and full forgiveness. I'm completely comfortable in the approach that I took and I'm not going to carry the baggage of another as mine. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about the forgiver.

I've said all of this to say, that we must look beyond the situation and seek a solution. We must consider the cause and effect of what we're facing and see what would truly be gained or lost with confrontation. Forgiving isn't easy, but doing the right thing never is.

It's all possible!

my bad!

2010-01-28T20:49:00.002-05:00

I know I was on a roll for minute with my blogging and I was enjoying the daily postings, but I've fallen off the wagon and I'm sorry about that. I will get back on effective tomorrow. And trust me, I've got a lot to say.

I'll start with some random stuff...

Men are coming out of the woodwork right now, but none of them are The Him that I want.

The current lunar phase is wreaking havoc; havoc I tell you on my hormones. ARGH!

My spiritual walk is amazing and I'm so enjoying it.

I finally got my way with the oncologist and am now seeing him every six months instead of every three.

My sense of purpose is becoming more clearly defined

I'm going to go back to school and get my certification in Womens Studies.

I'm planning a retreat at my house this summer

Lil Lady got accepted to my Alma Mater

I have some new inspiration for my writing

Temptation is really knocking hard on my door.

Okay, that's all for now, and you will get something of substance VERY soon.

It's all possible!

Act of kindness

2010-01-14T07:47:00.005-05:00

As we all know, the earthquake in Haiti has devastated the island and has left tens of thousands of people dead, homeless, and in an even more grave state than before. Naturally, this saddened people globally and now people are rallying to come to the aid of Haitians.

Why is it that it always takes something like that for people to share their humanity for those less fortunate than themselves? Hell, why can't people just be kind a caring period?

Coming from a Jamaican family, I know first hand the importance of taking care of your own and those around you. Jamaicans are a proud people, but never too proud to give and help others. Jamaican families that leave JA always send barrels of food and clothing back to their family and community to ensure people are taken care of. If they can't send the item that way, they'll find someone who's going home and ask them to carry things for them. It's a cultural practice that is almost innate. I know many other islands have the same practice, so why can't people here do it for their neighbours and/or communities?

I live less than 1o minutes from a town the produces the high concentration of blueberries in the nation. Each year, these farms use migrant workers from South America and Haiti to cultivate said farms. Last summer I was plagued with the thought of what to do with several bags of clothes and shoes that I no longer had need for, but didn't really want to give them to the local agencies as I know for fact that some of them aren't dispensing the items to the intended recipients. After driving through what's locally called Haitian Nation; the area where the Haitians workers are housed, I decided I would give them the clothing/shoes. I practiced my French and delivered the clothing/shoes to the very grateful people who thanked me profusely for my kindness.

Doing this brought so much joy to my soul and I felt good for my choice of recipients. This is something I've decided I will continue to do every summer. Sadly, I'll be doing it under far more grave conditions this year. The clothing/shoes that I would have given locally will now be sent to Florida to a dear friend who is Haitian and still currently waiting to hear from his father and other family/friends. The toiletries that I planned to send to my friend serving in Afganistan will also go to my friend in Florida as I'm sure they'll be in greater need there.

I'm sick and tired of people just jumping on the bandwagon to help others in their times of crisis and need. Family, let's perform acts of kindness daily. I'm sure each of us has something we can give to others in our neighbourhoods, communities, and such daily, so let's be thankful and grateful for the abundance we have and find it in our hearts to pay it forward in some way. This is what love for humanity is all about and we must work together globally to ensure others can be equally blessed.

My heart is full today y'all. I feel personally affected by this as I lost family in Jamaica last year with the massive storms. I can't watch telly or be on the web as flashbacks of worrying for my family come back to mind or even the devastation of Katrina brings me to tears. So again I say and implore each of you who read this blog to do something; anything for someone else. A small deed can go a long way.

It's all possible!

It's All About Him :-)

2010-01-13T15:35:00.002-05:00

December 28th 2009 is now a historic day for me

Thinking of him makes me smile

Hearing his voice is soothing/comforting

Knowing the feeling is mutual is amazing

Distance can’t erase what I feel inside

This is an awesome feeling

I prayed and claimed him as mine

I get giddy when I speak about him

I’m so happy I’m not longer stuck on stupid with the other him

The song ‘He Is’ by Heather Headley makes me think of him

The song for his ring tone is ‘A Kiss to Remember’ by Pamela Williams

It's all possible!

Question of the day?

2010-01-12T12:59:00.000-05:00

If you, male or female got involved with someone while they we in a relationship or marriage with someone else, do you think you could trust them to be in a committed relationship with you should their other relationship/marriage fell apart?

I’ve been thinking about this question for quite some time and the more I thought about it, the more I felt it would make for a good topic of blog conversation.

From my own experience, I can’t see how any good can come of a relationship that was built on lies, dishonesty, and distrust. I married my ex-husband who was married when I started dating him and he ended up cheating on me. I never thought it would happen as we’d been through so much together and it was truly one of those cases where he stayed married for the kids, but that’s still no excuse. He had to lie and sneak around to be with me, so what made me think I was so special that when push came to shove, he wouldn’t treat me in kind to how he treated his ex-wife?

I know someone who got her current husband the same way and I’m sure not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about that. Why? Because given that this woman does not have to work, has two wonderful children, lives in an estate home, drives a luxury car, and whose husband earns enough to take them on nice vacations etc on his high 6-figured income; she’s still unhappy. Why? Because when your husband travels for business, you find yourself wondering if he’s messing around. Why? Because he used to mess around on with you while he was married to his ex-wife.

There is a very fine line between fidelity and infidelity and it’s one that we must tread upon lightly. I don’t think that everyone is going to cheat and many haven’t, but I’m sure it’s fair to say, that there are many who’ve thought about it.

Given that I’ve partaken in it, I can’t call the kettle black by saying there are justifiable reasons for it, so from what I’ve been through; no good can really come of it.

Now, you’ve heard what I have to say; your turn!

It’s all possible!

What is your reflection?

2010-01-11T10:33:00.003-05:00

1 Tim. 4:12 says, "Be an example in believers of the word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

As I've gone through the many trials and triumphs of life, I always make a point to give credit where credit is due even if the person may have harmed me in some way? Why? Because there is a lesson learned in every experience and in spite of someone's perceived bad, they still possess some inherent good.

In spite of some extremely questionable parenting, my mother is an incredibly strong woman and has shown me how to be a strong, independent, and self-sufficient woman. Like her, I can do many things that most would consider 'manly' tasks, but for her; and now me, if it needs to be done, then just do it. She's endured much and continues to forge on through. While that part of her taught me some bad lessons of endurance, it's also shown me that one must find their way and never stop moving.

My father is another questionable character; however, he has a very strong work ethic and is punctual. These are two traits that I can say I like about him and that I have inherited.

There are others who've led by example whom have touched my life in immeasurable ways and to each of them I say thank you as you've molded me into the woman I am today.

Now to my overall point...

Since September, I've been mentoring my cousin who was in dire need of a life transformation. I've helped get her back on her spiritual path and we pray daily and share the word. I've shown her that there is a big difference in shedding your clothes and shedding your soul. She's learning that a quick temper isn't always the best way to handle a problem and that words can be like pointing a loaded gun at someone.

Through my lead/example, she's seeing there is so much more to life and love than what she'd been doing and settling for. Almost daily, she thanks me for taking the time to talk to her and with her; instead of about her as some of the family has done. No one took the time to see past the wall she'd erected to get to know the wounded little girl that lived on the other side. Given that I see so much of myself in her, it was easy to not be fooled by the smile and party girl ways she portrayed.

I walk with her as her cousin, friend, and mentor because everyone needs modeling. None of us are too young or old to learn and grow. We can not expect people to just know things. If we've come through the flames, it's in our best interest to raise up those who are following behind us. Each one; teach one, should not be a catch phrase.

The learning lesson for today is: A good example has more value than good advice.

We can all talk the talk, but are we walking the walk? Today, I challenge you to look within yourself and see if you're reflecting your true self. Look deep and see if you're an example someone should be following. I further challenge you to; if you're not already, find someone to mentor and bless them with the tools and resources they'll need to make it.

Have a blessed day.

It's all possible!

Open Letter #3 - A Day Late!

2010-01-10T14:08:00.003-05:00

So, this morning, just as I pulled into my church's parking lot I received a call from The He that I posted about in Open Letter #2. I'm thinking his timing couldn't be any worse, but I answered the call anyway.

He was very sterile in his tone and said he "needed" to speak with me. After instructing him to do go ahead, I listened to his words and once he was finished, I simply said, "you do whatever you need to do, I've always told you that"; politely ended the call and went into what was the most amazing and when I tell you amazing services; I'm still doing it no justice. I digress because I didn't bring you all here to tell you that.

Anyway, The He rambled on about how he needs to take time to get his life right blah, blah, and yada, yada and said that while he was going through whatever processes he needs to, he wouldn't be contacting me. And? It's not like he was making any major contributions to my life anyway. Little did he know that I was already steps ahead on him in that department. Given that I'd written Open Letter #2 on Dec 9th, his sudden revelation was of no surprise or consequence to me; maybe that's why I didn't send it in the first place.

Whether The He realizes it or not, I have the spirit of discernment and while I once put it on the curb and drove away from it like I was abandoning an unwanted puppy, I've since gone back for it and use it wisely and use it well. My spirit had already prepared me for this day and I was neither shocked nor surprised why the words of his call. I know this man better than he obviously knows himself and I didn't need to react in any way other than the way I did.

You see, when you've come to a place of peace and contentment with yourself and your life, there isn't much that can disrupt that. I pray my strength in the Lord daily and His words and the manifestation of them keep me shrouded in a warm cloak of spiritual protection. I truly believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I know the truth of the words, "Blessed is he when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely". I've overcome far worse than The He saying he's taking "time out" from our friendship. Whatever! (Said, in my Becky voice)

I actually rejoice in that fact that I know I'd given my all as a friend and sometimes a lover to him for 14.5 years (the lover part not served concurrently), so for him to not want to include me in his life for now or forever is no big deal.

The man that I'm supposed to be with with come. I'm free and open to receive that and now more than ever, I know this to be true. I am more than happy; I'm elated! I'm free from any and all emotional bondage and there is not a damn thing anyone can do to me from hence forth that I haven't already had happen. As I said, I know from whence my strength comes.

Today's sermon came from Ephesians 3:14-21 for any of you who read the word. Not only did the scripture strengthen me, the way it was delivered fed my soul and I know that I am exceedingly abundantly good and in a wonderful place in my life.

So, in closing I can say, "you're a day late and $100 dollars short babe, because as always, I'm one step ahead. Blessings to you and your life and may the journey you're on give you the clarity you seek and may you one day finally be at peace."

Readers, I wish you all a fabulous day and may your week ahead be filled exceedingly abundantly well.

It's all possible!

Standards

2010-01-08T14:41:00.002-05:00

Men – Do you routinely practice acts of chivalry? I’m defining it as, doing things for woman that could have been taught in “charm” school or that are considered old school/traditional behavior. Do you have a problem opening doors, being prompt, allowing the woman to go first; things of that nature? How many of you still believe in the fine art of courting and dating? Yes, it’s a given that you might sex; hell, we want it too, but are you willing to wait for it?

Women – Do you routinely accept or expect this kind of behavior? Are you willing to allow the man to lead, to do kind things without thinking he has an agenda, and would you reciprocate in kind? Do you also believe in the art of being courted and dated? Are you willing to wait for sex?

Why am I asking this? Well, as a strong, independent, and assertive woman, I still appreciate and sometimes expect those traditional/chivalrous values. I carry myself in a ladylike manner and expect to be treated accordingly. I thoroughly enjoy being treated like a lady. I still hold an appreciation for the traditional values that don’t seem to be taught in our homes and society these days. How can we expect our children to know how to act if they’re not taught?
We need to get out of the habit of thinking sex or attraction equals the making of a good relationship. We need to seek substance, good and consistent qualities and not think that because he looks good on paper, makes him a good mate. Think about the character Blair Underwood played in Madea’s Family Reunion who from the outside was the perfect catch; meanwhile he was beating chicks ass often. Instead of Mr. Looks Good on Paper, why not consider Mr. Cable Guy who can fix ish around the house, listen to you when you’ve had a bad day, instead of beating your ass at the end of it.

Men, I’m asking you to stop treating woman as disposable objects and consider how you’d feel if some dude was doing that very same thing to your mother, sister, or daughter. I’m asking you to see beyond the fat ass and tig ol bitties! Look for her heart and her entire being. Find her core and share yours with her.

In speaking with a man who not only routinely, but proudly treats women in a polite and respectable fashion, he advised me that some women do not like it or understand it. I looked at him like, “are you serious?” In a day and age where women are often complaining there are no real men still in the world, here one is and he’s being under appreciated. He said, there was an occasion where he took a woman to a formal function and she didn’t know how to use the various utensils. On another occasion he said, the woman he was out with asked him what he wanted/expected because he was treating her in such a nice way. Can you believe such a thing? Sadly we can, because women have and continue to sell themselves out for dinner, a bill payment, or something material thing. I thought it was a shame that a woman would even think like that. But I guess it’s the times we live in where everything comes with a price.
If, as a man or woman don’t know how to receive this treatment, speak to someone you know who has a good relationship and ask for some advise. Let’s all stop hiding behind walls to so-call protect ourselves and instead work with and for each other to bring the walls down. Let’s start with the root and work upward from there. Let’s have real and honest dialogue and get to know the real person behind the suit, overalls, nice car, home, or whatever gets you so easily caught up and distracted.

Personally, a man who opens/holds doors, escorts me under an umbrella, has good table manners, engages in good and interactive conversation is wonderful. No, it’s not just about sex, it’s simply about being polite and respectable. As ladies, we should learn to accept and appreciate that there are men who still uphold these values and show him that we enjoy it. Remember it’s the simple things that carry the most weight. My brothers, please learn these things if you haven’t already and my sisters, allow a man to lead and show him you are thankful that he’s treating you like a lady and not like a bitch or ho.

My brothers and sisters, there is no harm in being single and wear that title proudly. You still as empty after hooking up as you were before you did it, so consider how much you’re really getting for what you’re giving. Temporary gratification is no match for long term reward/satisfaction. I was celibate for almost 3 years once before and I’ll do it again before I use myself as a cum dumpster in the name of sexual independence.

Let’s get out there and teach our children and our neighbours the value of self-worth/respect. Hell, let’s check our peers and help them see the error of their ways. We can’t help each other if we talk about them instead of too them. I know what you’re saying, “they’re grown, they’re gonna do what they wanna do”. Yes, that could very well be true, but consider that this could be simply learned behavior because no one taught them any better or they didn't have any real examples to follow.

Let’s try to think outside the box luvies and start doing things to uplift ourselves in order to have relationships of substance. Remember this though, you can’t ask for something of another if you’re not right with yourself first.

It's all possible!

Thursday’s Thoughts! (Random miscellany)

2010-01-07T14:37:00.000-05:00

My faith and spiritual walk are in optimal condition right now

Even when I think I’m at my worst, I know God still sees me at my best

I looked back at some recent pix of myself and if I say so myself, I wear the heck out of simple black dresses.

Just so you know, there is no such thing as too many black dresses; just as there’s no such thing as too many pairs of shoes

I have aged well and gracefully compared to my high school and college counterparts

In comparison to how I was raised, I’m a damn good parent

There’s nothing more special than your child saying, “I’m proud of you mommy” and “thank you for all that you do for me”.

The view from where I stand is awesome!

Blogging again feels really good

I thank LadyLee for that. She said she missed me writing and she betted me $10 to write daily. I’m doing pretty well so far

Cleaning house and closing doors has never felt so good

Starting this year out in church was the most amazing feeling of joy and satisfaction

The New Him…mmmm!

I’m keeping my arms tightly wrapped around life and celebrating every blessed day that I have

Love! So much to say about it, but I’d rather feel it instead!

Lil Lady will be 18 this year and as mature as she is, she still knows she needs her mummy

There is going to be the most amazing and positive shift in my life within the next 5 months; I can feel it

I sometimes detour from the path, but God never leaves my side when I do

Don’t tell me; show me!

Blessed is he (she) when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely. Thank you to all my enemies, naysayers, and haters because I’m still here and doing well I might add.

Compliments are only as good as the sincerity behind them

Speak positivity into your life daily

I’m so enjoying being an example worth following

It's all possible!

Open Letter #2 - Moved on!

2010-01-06T15:59:00.002-05:00

I actually wrote this letter in early December when I was finally transitioning out of emotional bondage into the well-deserved emotional freedom I have now. After another recent epiphany, I decided to post it. I'd previously shared it with a couple of my near and dear girls, whom immediately encouraged me to send it to The Him, but I said it wasn't really written with the intent to send it; moreso just to purge my thoughts/feelings. Well, it's a new day; a new year; a new decade; and most of all; a better me, so I'm now fully releasing this into the universe as I continue to pray that The New Him will be mine instead.

First let me preface this by saying that I am in no way bitter, angry, or any negative emotion one can think of. In fact, I’m completely lucid, emotionally liberated, and happy; very happy. Furthermore, none of this is said to hurt, insult or offend, but merely to express some things that were not previously said.

My moment of sublime emotional clarity came when I realized that while I’m the gold at the end of the rainbow, you are simply not ready for receiving what 1) has always been yours and 2) that you’re afraid to be rich with all the emotional rewards that come with being with a woman like me. Yes, I realize I sound extremely arrogant right now, but I can honestly say that I’ve very much earned that right. I’ve worked hard to be a women of amazing character; whole, sustained; and one capable of being loved fully; wholly; and loyally. I’m the woman that you bring home to your mother and say, “she’s The One!” Additionally, I’m the woman who loves her man for and in spite of his flaws who’ll not try to change him into what I want or think he should be. If I fell in love with him, then I’ve fallen in love with every piece of him good or bad.

I’m the woman who knows she’s his missing rib to make both he and her whole, but is secure enough in herself to still be able to function without him while; all the while still providing the necessary balance in his life.

Women like me will seek her continued growth, asks her man to inspire and encourage her, as she takes her many and varied walks in life. I’m the woman who’ll love and accept you at your worst and be your biggest cheerleader when you’re at your best. I’m that woman who knows that being her mans friend and partner is far more important than being his lover. She knows that there’ll be times when she will not like her man, but will love him no matter what and will use his deficits as ways to find the root problem and work toward healing and growth instead of condemning and emasculating him.

I will respect his time and space and know that just because he wants to be alone doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with me in favor of something or someone else. I will know that he needs to have his own escapes and things he enjoys without me. I will support and encourage that and know that the times when we’re together and doing things as a couple is equally important to him and us.

I’m the woman who knows she doesn’t have to compete or feel insecure because I’m secure in myself and trust that he’s with me because that’s what he wants and where he wants to be. My man will not have to fight to maintain us because we’ll have built our relationship on firm and solid ground. We’ll have built a foundation on friendship, on trust, on mutual respect, and honest communication. I’m the woman who knows when to be silent and when/how to listen.

As I said before, any man who gets me has gotten a woman who God has cleansed and made whole. He’ll find his rightful partner and will honor and cherish me as his friend, his partner, and his Queen. He’ll know without a doubt that he’s made the right choice and will do nothing to inflict harm in any form to me.

My life’s experiences have shown me that in order to have the man and the love I deserve I cannot and will not allow myself to settle for first place second. I must always seek to be first and wear the crown. I must not allow myself to be deluded, mistreated, or left feeling unworthy. If I can’t be where I know I’m supposed to be, then it’s best that I not be involved with any man until he knows and appreciates a woman’s worth.

Any woman who knows her worth will not need to resort to drastic measures in order to secure a man or his affections. She will simply walk tall with her head held high and know that God didn’t make her to be used or abused. She’ll know that she is a temple and that her hallowed walls are sacred and are only to be shared with a man who’ll know not to defile her, but worship her and cherish his opportunity to have been afforded such a bestowed privilege.

I am this woman. I am the all the woman I have spoken of and I shall never be anything less than that.

Of your own choosing you walked away from the very thing you want most in the world and I didn’t stop you because I know I didn’t need to. Your decision wasn’t born of a need to stop running and fight; instead of your own fear of losing a good thing. Your fear is that I’ll somehow change and you’ll not only lose the love that’s been there for you and with you without ever asking anything of you. Furthermore, you seem more content in knowing that you’ll always have that safe place to go to when your world falls apart, as it always seems to do, which is really foolish if you’re honest enough to think about it because if you put me in my rightful place in your life, you’d know that your fear is unwarranted.

I am the woman who knows you as you know yourself and in some ways moreso. I’m the woman whom you trust implicitly and knows will never do anything to cause conflict in your life. All the things you’ve ever wanted in a woman are here with me and yet you once again chose another. I’m beyond confused how you can quantify that, but that’s your call. You can’t say you’re going to fight for something when you’ve had something right in front of you that you never had to fight for because it was yours to begin with. I’ve learned you somehow enjoy the turmoil and act of the fight. Fighting is indicative of their being an underlying problem and you have to resort to great means to make things work. Philosophy dictates if you have to fight that hard, then it’s not working. I know my God does not want us to suffer and I know He wants us to love and be loved the right way. He makes changes in our lives for a reason; however, we tend to think we know better and in contradicting Him, we find ourselves caught up and caught out there.

Well, my dear, I live my life knowing that I’m worthy in so many ways. I live knowing that I don’t need to invest where there is no yield. I can’t and won’t live in a manner that’s not conducive to my life’s goals and desires and expect a different result. So, it’s with that thought that I can say all of what I’ve said. I can proudly say I AM THAT WOMAN! I’m God’s blessed and divine creation and He’ll not have me in a situation I shouldn’t be in.

He brought you back in my life to teach me the lesson of forgiveness, love, and friendship and I can honestly say that I’ve passed with honors. My shoulders bear no weight, my life is conflict free, and those I keep close are worthy of me as I am them. My life has endured some tough breaks, but it’s also given me plenty to live for and aspire to.

If it’s so ordained that you and I are to be more than friends, then that’s a venture I’m willing to take; maybe! However, in the mean time, I shall live life fully and happily. I will embrace each day and find the sun in spite of the rain. My life will be a series of opportunities more taken than missed as I refuse to settle in any form.

It's all possible!

First poem of 2010

2010-01-05T16:26:00.000-05:00

I'm still working on it; or at least I think I am, but this is what I've got so far...

The complex composite of your being
Subsides into anticipation of my proximity
You yield open and willingly powerless to defeat
Lost in the sublime reverie of our moment
Freefalling into the blissful abyss
Where open arms welcome you with a first embrace
The softness of a familiar but yet still unknown
Sensation of this; our first kiss
Setting us free; now capable of submission
Having grown weary of the confine
Gentle brushstrokes applied in vivid colour
Manifestations of loves spectrum exposed

It's all possible!

A few clouds above 9

2010-01-04T18:32:00.002-05:00

I'm experiencing this really great feeling and it's making me happier than I've felt in longer than I can even remember. I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on the Quarterback. I get giddy when I talk about him and I'm so sentimental that I keep his BBMs (BlackBerry Messanger) messages. Today his status read "she takes me to another level". Talk about make a girl feel good. He said I made his day and put a smile on his face. He has done the same for me.

I'm pleased that the attraction and feelings are mutual and while I don't know what the future holds, I hope that he'll be a part of mine.

I've prayed on this feeling and asked God to let His will be done with this. Time will tell.

It's all possible!

Open Letter #1 - Dear Self

2010-01-02T11:31:00.005-05:00

Dear Self:

You've come from the valleys to the mountains peak and there is no turning back. You have overcome so much and your are a shining example of God's grace, favour and mercy for those who remain vigilant and faithful. You are the victory as are no longer a victim and every trial you faced, you found a triumph in it. No lesson; no matter how ugly or painful was a bad one as you learned from it and walked away with clarity and understanding.

You've embraced life and live it to it's full potential. You are a role model for those who need one and you pride yourself in your spiritual walk as you know it's the best path to be on. While you may trip or stagger; heck, you may even fall, but as long as you get back up and continue to ask Father to bless and keep you, your bruises will not last.

You are a whole, complete, and sustained woman who knows her place in this world and knows that everything done with purpose and intent on a foundation of love will flourish.

You will receive your reward and rejoice loudly and proudly with those who walk with you, hold you up when you're down, and support you. This year you will receive love in it's right form. You will be with someone who'll appreciate the woman you are and encourage you to continue to bloom in your garden of life.

Each and everyday you will seek and find the good knowing that the only reason why life is complicated is because people make it that way. You will be a part of solutions and not situations and your beauty shall continue to shine from within as that's where Father's light lives.

I love you; encourage you; cherish you; and will always take care of you.

Live this life well my dear as there is no encore.

It's all possible!

Happy New Year - 2010

2010-01-01T19:53:00.003-05:00

I closed out 2009 with so much enlightenment and clarity that I couldn't do anything else but spend New Years Eve in church. I attended service in Brooklyn, NY at Christian Cultural Center and let me tell you there was some serious praise and worship going on there.

I was reluctant to attend service in my Puma tracksuit, but honestly I'm glad I did, because I felt like I got a work out from the service. I danced, I sang, and I rejoiced in the name of my heavenly Father.

I know I started my new year with a clear heart, mind, and a happy spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be an amazing year. I have a new mantra for 2010 "It's all possible". I know that success comes not always from accomplishing the goal, but at least having the courage to take the step toward it.

I wish all of you a year full of love, happiness, good health, renewed faith, and all the blessings that are yours to receive.

It's all possible!

Last one for 2009 - All kinds of random stuff

2009-12-30T19:22:00.003-05:00

I stopped being a martyr and emotional tampon for people. I chose self-preservation over selflessness because there are those who take it for granted.

There are far too many people who should just relinquish their parental rights because having a child does not immediately qualify you to be a parent.

The time we spend coveting what others have instead of being grateful for what we have is a complete waste of time and makes you ignorant to the fact that there are people worst off you than you think you are.

Alcohol on an empty stomach can get you into some serious mischief.

Memory gaps from said alcohol induced mischief is even funnier when you and the other party are giving your own versions of the same incident.

Why? Oh why, do we care so much about the lives of celebrities and not our own families?

I'm in a restaurant that has a communal sink area and this guy finds me attractive and starts talking to me. I'm in the process of brushing my teeth and he's still talking to me. So my question is, why did he think he needed to stand and wait until I was done and try to score for my number? Second, why did he think I was even attracted to him anyway?

On that same topic, why do people assume because they find you attractive, you find them attractive?

I wear my headphones in public even when I'm not listening to music just so people won't talk to me.

Just because I'm not wearing a ring doesn't mean I'm not involved.

How is it that the line you're in is always the slow one, so you change lanes and then that line moves slow.

I'm as nice as you think I am, but harmful if provoked.

I learned the power in the gift of forgiveness.

Great moments of 2009
Love, forgiveness, an improved spiritual walk, and the willingness to take amazing leaps of faith

Lil Lady told me she was proud of me and thanked me for being her mum/bestie

I released myself from emotional bondage

My birthday weekend and my weekend with my twin cousin

The day I joined Macedonia Baptist Church

Knowing I can fall in love again

Writing four amazing poems

Facebook bringing someone/thing new and interesting to my life

My Mother's Day and Birthday card from Lil Lady

Making it through the year without major incident

All good health reports

Continued friendships

My blog family

I wish each and everyone of you a Happy New Year. May all of your goals be met. May your prayers be answered. And may love and happiness reign supreme in your lives.

Love to live; live to love! This is not just a catch phrase, but something to truly live by

Christmas dislikes/likes

2009-12-23T21:45:00.003-05:00

DISLIKES

People who constantly ask if you're ready for Christmas

Things advertised that aren't in stock

The reason for the season is not honoured

The excessive things that people do

The demand of it all

People asking what I want for Christmas

The lack of real appreciation and honest sentiment

People who only help charities and such at this time of year only

Christmas music playing the day after Halloween

Mall overcrowding and rude people

LIKES

How Lil Lady always digresses to a childlike state of being

Decorating the house

Wrapping gifts

Buying gifts out of love not obligation

Cooking

Renewed spiritual walk

My special egg nog

Sharing time with friends/family

Wishing each and everyone a beautiful holiday season. God bless and remember always to love to live; live to love!

The Madness of Married Men

2009-12-21T23:05:00.002-05:00

So, in my last post, I mentioned how I was propositioned by a married man and how I gracefully declined his oh, so generous offer to be his 1st Place Second, His Jump-Off, His Mistress, His Friend with Benefits, F*ck Buddy, or any one of the many names one can assign to someone screwing a married man.

Since declining, he has not withdrawn from engaging in conversation with me even though I clearly stated that he and I could not and would not be more than friends citing that he was cool with it. Well, news flash, he's a gosh damn liar! But who would be surprised by that given that he cheats on his wife.

Save for one conversation, he's found a way to turn everything we talk about into a sexually toned conversation. Now, I'm no prude and am clearly uncensored, so I've replied to some of his inquiries, but always deferred to the man whom I felt the query spoke to. I never, and I do; loud and clearly say, never defer anything to said married man directly or even indirectly. I tell him I have no reason to wonder what he's like in bed. I've stated that I have no desire to entertain such curiosity as it serves neither of us a purpose; yet he continues.

So, after this mornings conversation where he stated he wished he could have be available to put lotion on me and or watch me putting lotion on, I politely said, I was quite capable of performing said job all by myself.

Given that my need for cerebral stimulation far surpasses the trivial and quite frankly rather boring topic of sex, I've grown rather less than enthused with his ability to provide me with the correct form of conversational interaction that I so desire. Therefore, I shall have to "give him the biznezz", quoting my twin cuzzie who is rather adept and telling people about themselves. While I have absolutely no problem giving people the bizness, I usually try to deflect and see if they'll see the error of their ways first. Well, it's apparent that MM just isn't quite getting that I'm not interested in his need to make all conversations sexual, so he's gonna get the bizness.

I'm going to let him know in no uncertain terms that he has 2 choices 1) engage me in a respectable and dignified manner or 2) cease and desist in any future conversation with me.

I can not and will not be party to any form of conduct that could lead to my integrity to be compromised. I shall not be party to his need to be so overtly sexual that he can't have a contain himself in a dignified manner. And finally, I will not allow myself to be demeaned in any manner. I pride myself on being a classy woman and I require that I'm treated accordingly.

I wonder how he'd feel if someone were approaching his wife in the same fashion he's coming at me? Maybe I could arrange that...

And that's my dime in the bucket for today. As always, love to live; live to love!

My dime in the bucket

2009-12-18T21:14:00.003-05:00

So, with the plethora of things going on in the news and world around me, I thought I'd voice my opinion on a few on them.

Issue #1
So, what is the deal with people who have Facebook pages, but don't have a profile pic? What kind of foolishness is that? I mean, it's call FACEbook for a reason, so one would assume that you should have your face up. Furthermore, why do people pic their childhood pix up or pix of their children. Can I tell you how much this pisses me off? I think it's frustrating, annoying, and senseless. If you don't want people to know what you look like NOW then you shouldn't have a damn FB page. Oh, another thing that I can't stand on FB are the people who put pix of themselves up when they were younger and/or more attractive. Don't they think at some point someone will want to do a face to face and then they'll be seen for who they are NOW? Ugh, the unnecessary practices people use for social networking.

Issue #2
No, Tiger Woods is not off limits either, but I'm going to come at it from a different angle. I think Elin knew that he was cheating, but played the doting wife/mother who would never think her husband would do anything like that. I think she is a sneaky little woman who played her hand and then when the proverbial hit the fan, she said, you know what, I've stuck around long enough to get a couple of crotch trophies out the deal and enough money to by a multi-million house back in her native land before the ink is dry on divorce papers. In addition, I'm sure she and at least one of the mistresses were in cahoots to scam, embarrass and extort Tiger.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning what he did, because I think people should honour their vows regardless. I think he was dumb as duck shit and picked the wrong jump offs to mess with. Rule of thumb when you're married and you decide to cheat is that you cheat with someone who has as much as if not more to lose than you do. Granted, there aren't many women who are stacking paper like Tiger is; except Oprah, but dammit, these little stank ass hoes who are saving txts and emails? Really? These tricks knew what the hell they were doing and were just waiting for their day in the tabloids. It's tricks like these that give other Jump Offs a bad rap. I'd like to slap the taste out of all of their triflin asses.

I'm not proud to admit this, but back in my youth, messed with someone's husband, but I made sure I never got pregnant, knew, understood, and respected the rules of engagement, and I damn sure wouldn't put myself in the position where she could put me on blast or where I would use the situation to my gain. Yes, he was someone high profile.

Tiger picked the wrong women and his game of being a cheater were no match for his golf game. Nuff said; moving on.

Issue #3
What is with married men thinking it's their marital right to have affairs? I was propositioned by a married man and I turned him down. It was not only the right thing to do, but I've done the 1st place 2nd thing before and I'll be damned if I ever do that again. My self worth/respect rates a lot more than that position. I'm so sick of men thinking that because they heard there was a shortage of "good black men" that we black women will settle for being the Jump Off. Sadly, I can't fully fault the men for their diminished mindset because if women didn't settle for being 1st place 2nd, then the married men wouldn't have pause to pursue.

I'm also annoyed by the fact that they think they're even good men. How are you married, happily or otherwise, but nonetheless still married, a good guy when you're breaking your vows, compromising your home life and creeping around with another woman; or men in some cases?

Well, that's my Dime in the Bucket for the night.

Enjoy your holidays people and as always love to live; live to love!

Happy Thanksgiving - Reasons to be thankful

2009-11-23T21:05:00.003-05:00

I know I've been awfully remiss in not only blogging, but reading blogs, but please know that I haven't forgotten about any of you. I think of each of you often and pray that you are all well.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I wanted to say how thankful I am for each of you that have become friends as well as loyal readers. You've touched my life in so many ways and I appreciate the love, support, inspiration, and encouragement you've given me.

I'm thankful for having a close-knit and crazy family who no matter what will have my back. Distance never erases the closeness we share in heart and mind.

I'm thankful for my beautiful, smart, kind, compassionate, and wonderful daughter who brings so much joy and laughter to my life.

I'm thankful for my church family who make church feel like a second home.

I'm thankful for health, strength, and daily bread.

I'm thankful that I remain in good health even when my hormones and my chemically induced menopause make me absolutely crazy.

I'm thankful for lessons learned.

I'm thankful for the power of forgiveness.

I'm thankful for not only stepping out of the box, but stepping away from it. Going out on the limb; though sometimes scary is a step worth taking.

I'm thankful for love in its multi-faceted splendor and the many experiences I've had with it.

I'm thankful for the extension of God's grace, mercy, and favour.

I'm thankful that I have reasons to be thankful.

Have a happy, safe, and beautiful Thanksgiving and may God bless and keep you all.

Love to live; live to love!

Asylum

2009-10-05T20:23:00.003-04:00

This is the final of the four poems I wrote last week.

I’m not quite crazy; more like that special kind of special
Where what seems insane is really normal; at least for me
It’s that place were the irrational makes sense
And I question not the absurdity of loving
With such wanton abandon that you do what you do
Freely; willingly because love just is
And I don’t really care what anyone else says
Cause as the proverbial saying goes
“If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right”
Suffering the consequence of this emotional catastrophe
Where loving you is the strength of my weakness
And I solicit no means for a remedy
My heart tilts on its axis at the sound of your voice
Mouth dry from the unquenchable thirst kiss after kiss
My fingers marvel at the softness of your skin
I hear your silent words speak decibles beyond voice
And I delight like a child at Christmas when I see you
Your flaws are the perfect manifestation of your truth
The consistent inconsistency of your presence
Spends me; leaving me bankrupt
Yet still rich in the magnitude of love’s economy
One so fragile; yet so strong and intense
For my expenditure of life’s grandest feeling
So if loving you makes me crazy
Then I’ll gladly live in this asylum forever

© Blu Jewel
2 Oct 2009

Liberation

2009-10-02T11:07:00.001-04:00

Okay Blog Fam, I guess it's safe to say that your girl is on a roll. This is in fact the 4th poem I've written this week. I'll get to posting the others soon enough, but there was some driving force behind this one and I had to share it with you.

Have a blessed stay folks and stay up.

Taking off my training wheels
And taking my first unsupported ride
I cruise into the elated feeling
The experience brings
Trusting in my willingness to let go
And be free; no long restrained
By the security of the firm
Instead leaning favorably toward
The possibility to falling and being helpless
And the enjoyable nefarious abandon it illicits
The equal fear and enthusiasm of stepping
Into the unknown is a risk well worth taking
If you really want to live

© Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; live to love

As yet untitled - New poem

2009-09-28T13:00:00.004-04:00

@ Chele, you didn't have to wait as long as you thought you might...Enjoy!

Like a river to the ocean, I’m drawn to you

Your call; a silent whisper within the wind

Caressing me into a gentle seduction

Making me weak where I stand…

Upon unfamiliar ground; virgin to this experience

However, still familiar to the pull of attraction

I let down my guard; submitting to

The leap of faith beneath me…

Cushioned for the break of my fall into heaven

Knowing you’re there to receive me

Open arms; open heart; committed to love

Me with every fiber of your being…

Honest and true; giving your all not half

Treating me like the Empress I am

Borne of your missing rib

Created to fill the void in your life…

With joy and laughter, tenderness and passion

Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; live to love

What One Dance Can Do

2009-09-24T14:19:00.003-04:00

I know; I know! I'm taking too long between posts. It's not intentional; trust me, but I've got something that will take your mind of my absense. Enjoy...

Conjoined like Siamese twins we move in one motion
Feeling the energy ignited by a rhythmic dance
Awakening the wave coursing through our bodies

Sexual arousal emits as topical penetration ensues
Thrusting us closer to the errant climb of desire
Lust; the effervescent high supplying the fuel

Intoxicated by the sweet elixir of our kiss
We submit to the passion created and act with abandon
Cementing the connection into a cosmic oral bliss

© Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; Live to love

Fluid Motion

2009-09-11T09:07:00.001-04:00

I thought I'd lost my mojo since Nikki's passing, but it seems I'm even more inspired. Maybe it was the recent full moon that gave way to an increased energy that could only have come from her. Like Nikki, I love the moon and always feel exhilarated by the lunar cycle and especially the full moon.

Here's something that I came up with this morning...

His attention; purposed and intentional; either by familiarity or memory; he made his way into her; third eye blind and was met with little resistance. The slight tension; released into a sigh as if the torture of the wait was over. Heat rose like steam through city grates; its intensity furious and yet delicately passionate as their bodies gelled into one form moving in a rhythmic pace.

Words; lost in an inaudible melody sounded like gibberish only they could understand; only they needed to understand. It was their way. It was how they communicated; silently through telling eyes; speaking a lover’s tale.

Their dance; a waltz leading to a quickened tango only to be suppressed into staggered pace reminiscent of a child’s game of musical chairs punctuated by anticipation. And like the calm before the storm, the motion smooth; erotic; and exhilarating gives way to a tempest; bodies colliding in a frantic motion. Arms, legs grasping; releasing and breaths like zephyrs cloud the room.

Minutes pass like labored hours as the seeming perpetuity of the union plays out. An escaped moan; the saturated kiss; the bitten flesh; the Neanderthal grunts and thrusts all colliding without contest. The climactic clarity of the journey now complete.

© Blu Jewel 2009

Lyrically Speaking: My dedication to Anika "Nikki" Harris…R.I.P

2009-09-01T15:54:00.002-04:00

Maxwell is probably my favourite artist and as I let him eargasmically soothe me today, the following came to me. Nikki, The Iniquitious One and her Indigo Trail of Thoughts leaves a void in the Blog Community. May we all learn something from her untimely passing.

She came into our lives with that Sumthin Sumthin that made us laugh, cry, and wish we were as creative and gifted as she. When made us all feel Welcome as we chilled at her Urban Hang Suite. The more we spent with you, and took the time to Get to Know Ya, we realized that Noone was firing up the keyboard quite like you. You soon became one of our BadHabits and you were that Gravity: Pushing to Pull as we waited Silently, Silently for your next post.

When you’d go off on someone or get fired up passionately about something, many would wonder if you’d be like that Til the Cops Come Knockin. And if you didn’t post, we’d know that Whenever, Wherever, Whatever, you’d come back to us and let the Phoenixrise.

I recall many a post and our private conversations where you spoke of Matrimony: Only you as you contemplated dating and ever being back in a loving and committed relationship. All you wanted to do was Drowndeep: Hula into his arms and where Lonely’s the Only Company would escape from your life and you reside in a place For Lover’s Only.

It was like This Woman’s Work was never done and you were always willing to HelpSomebody. I remember when that chick faked her own death in the Blog-sphere and you exposed her for the fraud she was and make a lot of people stop hurting.

Then one day, something Changed when you were hit with a Symptom Unknown. We all rallied around the Suitelady who had given so much of herself to us in so many ways. When you told us that the pain was not just a Temporary Nite of rounds with your condition and you couldn’t be with us Now/At the Party; you still managed to gather us in unity as I Am You: You Are Me & We Are You.

And on Sunday August 30th , we had to StopTheWorld and muddle through our FistfulofTears and share how much you Was/As My Girl. We all wish you are simply PlayingPossum.

So dear, sweet, and beautiful one; until the day our Reunion comes, spread your PrettyWings and know that we will always LoveYou and you’ll be a part of us EachHourEachSecondEachMinute of the day.

Love to live; live to love

A sad day!

2009-08-31T16:27:00.003-04:00

For those of you who've been blogging for some time may know Nikki Harris aka Nikki Indigo or the Iniquitous One. She was a powerful, entertaining, and extremely honest writer. For the past few years, she was one of my favourite blogs to read and I was inspired by her in many ways. From her candor to her sensitivity, she left an indelible mark on the lives she touched.

It's with a heavy and saddened heart to say, R.I.P Nikki. My life has been blessed with your gifts and may heaven know it is so very blessed to have you in their midst. Her suffering is now over and her place in the eternal is secure.

Her passing flashed a neon light that life is fragile; it is precious; and it needs to be lived fully. We need to act with purpose and intent on a foundation of love. She was only 37 years old and too young for her passing, so from this I must live. I must take her memory and use it to celebrate this life; to love a little harder; to walk a little sturdier, a celebrate each day for we surely do not know when our last will be.

Prayers to the Harris family and may God bless and keep you all.

Love to live; Live to love

a lil something that came to me

2009-08-27T08:46:00.001-04:00

When you pour your love inside my cup
I feel my well spring rise and swell
As it’s satiated from its desert state
And you’re no longer just an oasis
But the embodiment of natures wonder personified.

© Blujewel 2009

love to live; live to love!

On loving ourselves

2009-08-24T22:14:00.000-04:00

The following was borne of something I wrote to a friend. Some parts have been removed as it was directed toward her; however the story could relate to any one of us.

Your own dysfunctional relationship with your mother made it subconsciously easy for you to overcompensate for her shortcomings by being 1) an excellent mother yourself and 2) your desire to mother others and shelter them from harm. This ideology is in fact quite harmful as it subjects you both to a relationship that is ill-balanced and it compensates one dysfunction for another.

"We create a space for healing when we exercise the courage to look at how our own anger and resentment make us withhold love and behave badly".^p134

Although he can say he loves you, his actions are not affirmations of said love. He fails to see that fueling power of his emotions is anger based and while he is actually capable of giving love; there's a fine line between his anger and his love. His verbal love is short lived when something disrupts his perceived comfort zone. And the fact that his life has been centered around you; with little or no personal/social outlets that his for/about him, it makes it even easier for angry outbursts to occur. The role of alcohol in his life will also fuel the pre-existing fire that resides within.

"It's easy to fall into the trap of depending on others for the love, understanding, and admiration we all crave, rather than creating them in our relationship with ourself, and brining the joy in self-fulfillment to our partnerships. When joy is missing in our life, it's missing in our relationships, in our homes, and communities".^p135

It's on this premise that he resides. He seeks what he lacks within himself in and from you. He puts you on a pedestal and showers you with what he is should be giving to himself. His lack of self love and trust gets over compensated in the relationship and when you demonstrate your independence; it disrupts his world, and because he thought that you should return in kind; is now compromised. He feels that because he has made you his personal trophy that you should likewise to do the same. This is a classic mode of operation for a hurt soul.

"Even when parents and partners do terrible things, they are just trying in unskillful ways to make their lives work". ^P135

And it's in this vein that he must seek to improve his life/circumstances or he will always be in a perpetual state of discourse and cause said discourse in the lives of those they claim to love.

"Not every couple that gets together is meant to stay together. When you're not where God wants you to be, life shakes you up so you'll move to a better place". ^P135

It's at that point of discovery when the leaving party must assess themselves to see what, when, why, and how there are finding themselves in relationships that follow a repeated or repeatable negative pattern. This tends to be a hard concept to many to accept that fact/knowledge even when we know without a shadow of doubt it's true. We still strive to find some shred of evidence that says we should find a way to keep this person in our life. While this is a noble concept; it's still a self-deluding one. When we refuse to let someone go, we're not only holding ourself back, we're holding the other back too because we're putting a road block in an essential growth element in both parties development. . "Growth mean change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown" ^{The Shack} To many are afraid of the unknown to venture out; however without this risk, there will be little or no room for growth and the opportunity for change is greatly reduced; thus, leaving you in the same crippled mind frame.

For love; real love of self before another to manifest, a thorough cleansing and healing must occur. "broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them."
^{The Shack}

Relationships; good or bad are an intricate part of the journey we take in life and for many; we all seek to love and be loved; however, when we lack the proper tools to do so, we fail miserably. We all imagine ourselves to be whole and able; however, it's what we do and not always what we say that tells the real story.

"We may be masterful at deceiving ourselves, but in all intimate interaction the unresolved feeling and fears we may have buried will surface".^p137

A spiritual relationship must become an intrinsic part of one's journey to true awareness and wholeness. The Divine created us; it's at the core of us and it's through that relationship that we will have a real idea and connection to what real love is. We have to trust in Divine Love in order to establish Loves Divine. Reaching deep within and offering oneself to the source of love establishes faith and trust in The One who'll always be there to guide our path.

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading"^{The Shack}

"For something to move from death to life, you must introduce something living and moving into the mix". ^{The Shack}

If this sacred interference does not occur, all past hurts (death) will always have more power/control over any living relationship and the love will never truly be love at all. The emotional demons must be excised from the recesses of our emotional core in order for the wellspring of love to thrive as a living entity.

"We're operating with negative feelings brought from another time and place, associated with a whole separate set of issues. We can't create anything good with leftovers from the past". ^P140

It's important to go back and address the issues of the past as it's the only way to prevent history from repeating itself; however, once that journey has been made, the past must be left very much in the past. The present is an extremely sacred and palatial place and can only be well-lived when the past's portal is closed. Progressive move to the present has to be self-lived. No one can make it happen for anyone else. Each person has to want his/her own loving environment and know not only how to create it, but to sustain it. Without the ability to love who we are, there is truly no way to love another. No one is responsible for our well-being but us.

"When we're sweet on ourselves; we're sweet on others. From an unhappy place, nothing satisfies. From a happy place, common sense prevails. We see clearly that we were born to love, not judge, and that it's not our job to fix anyone but ourselves". ^P140

NOTE: All page number references come from the book, All About Love, by Susan L. Taylor. The remaining references were taken from The Shack.

Love to live; live to love!

A what I know for sure moment...

2009-08-12T17:09:00.003-04:00

The expression, "when someone shows you who they are, pay attention" reigns supreme in how I decide your role in my life. As I've previously said, I take friendships seriously and am fully committed to their maintenance and sustainment once entered into. What I will not do is make excuses for ones behaviour and allow said person to run a mock in my life with words that have no supporting action.

I allowed, what I thought would be a fun and engaging friendship to form in my life, which to its credit did start out on good footing; however, over time it's become something that fails to resemble a friendship at all. I do understand the complexities of platonic vs. intimate relationships when it involves the opposite sex, but with careful, open, honest, and real communication, a balance can be established; however in this instance it did not.

I established from day one that I was not ready for an intimate relationship and that I wanted to chill and hang out. No, I'm not talking about Friends with Benefits (FWBs), just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company. He said, he was cool with that and was able to chill with me on equal ground...JUST FRIENDS! Suffice it to say, he caught feelings and an abrupt left turn in Albuquerque promptly followed.

Given that I actually gave a damn about him and our newly formed friendship, I called to inquire about his sudden change of behaviour and lack of communication. We discussed it and I suggested that he take whatever time out he needed, but effective communication still needed to be a place holder as NO relationship can be sustained without it. He agreed!

Weeks past and then months, and I found myself the recipient of his talk, with no action. This is a no-no in my books and borders on being a deal breaker. I have no time for settling because it appeases someone's hypersensitivity as its taxing and toxic. I once again, expressed my concerns over his behaviour and lack of actions and was given this long; drawn out explanation, which quite frankly sounded like sugar-coated shit disguised as candy. I'd had enough!

He picked the wrong time of year and the wrong woman to think that syrupy sounding words, frosted with whipped bullshit, and sprinkles of "but I love you and miss you" that sound more like profanity instead of words of affection would actually woo me. There is nothing worse than hearing those words knowing that they're empty, defiled and being used as a magnet to draw me back in. Sorry, I'm 1) not that pressed for affection, 2) easily swayed by words that are just words, and 3) in need of a friendship that really isn't a friendship at all.

I've come to the conclusion that he showed me pretty early on who he was and initially he was genuine; and in fact may very well still be; however, just because he's a good person; doesn't make him good for me. Our friendship was ill-matched and laden with things that would escalate from one deal breaker to another. What I know for sure is that no amount of honesty on my part could have prepared me for the position I ended up putting myself in when I realized that his feelings were manifesting. In spite of trying to maintain communication, it's obvious he's not used to the kind of woman I am and doesn't see how important communication is in any and all relationships.

One last thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to settle for someone/thing that doesn't bode well in my life. Nostalgia has no place in what it really means to have a functional friendship. Red flags are not to be ignored. If the issue can be mitigated; then I'm all for it and am willing to forge on; however, when the flag continues to fly high, it's time to walk away....And so it is and so shall it be!

Love to live; live to love!

I'm really not that popular!

2009-08-11T12:48:00.003-04:00

I take friendships very seriously and don't appoint the title easily to people. While it's pretty much a generic term when referring to people we know; there is a depth and growth that makes one a true friend. I have a small and close-knit circle and we're fiercely loyal and are ride or die. We fight; we laugh; we love; we call each other out; but there is no doubt that we mean the world to each other.

But I didn't bring you here to tell you that (stole that phrase from Terry)

I was looking at my "Friends" List on Facebook and saw that I have 215 friend...Really? I think not. I may know 215 people, but to call them all friends just ain't happening. I've never been one who strived to be the center of attention, enjoy the limelight, or think that I'm better than someone else because of how many people I know. I take quality over quantity any day.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be offensive to anyone on my Friends List and I'm certainly not taking my acquaintences for granted because for most part; each person has played a role in my life in some capacity. All I'm saying is that I do not use Facebook or any other social networking tool as a measure of my popularity or as a means to pry into the lives of others. For me, it's a communicative device to make quick and easy contact with people; to network; or interact in some way. I'm amused at the people who use tools like Facebook, MySpace, or one of the other tools to be Head of the Class and I'm even more amused as those who get offended over whether or not their in someone's Top List. Wow! Talk about delusions of granduer, arrognace, or conceit.

Anyway, I've said all that to say, that I'm quite content blogging for myself; however, I do appreciate those who come by and read my rantings. I'm happy for those I'm in contact with through Facebook, but note that none of what I do is for popularity.

Thanks for reading...have a blessed day...love to live; live to love!

Gateways, portals, and other life exits/entrances!

2009-08-06T15:06:00.003-04:00

I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "when one door closes; another one opens", but how many truly believe that? How many look for; or see that there is a blessing with the closing of one door and the anticipation of waiting for another to open? Honestly, I don't think many of us do. Many get immediately dispondent and think that the world as we know is going to come to an end.

It's a known fact, that God does not give us more than He knows we can handle and if we don't handle it, it's not His fault, but ours for having little faith in His word, comfort, and direction. In the many trials I've been through in my life, the one thing I never did was cry the blues or think "woe, is me". While I might not have been able to understand the trial as I was going through it, I never gave up on my faith that I'd come out on top; or at least through to the other side.

In the recent months, I've been the recipient of prayers answered and I realized it was because I allowed doors to both open and close. I realized that I must reconcile with things and people in order to complete the cirlcle and be the receiver of the blessing yet to be shown. There were doors that seemed like they'd be impossible to close and/or walk through; however, I did by remaining prayerful and faithful.

In a world where it's so easy to quit, blame others, or hide behind what seems comfortable, I know I can not be that person. I won't be ostrich like and bury my head in the sand, while claiming that the events in my life are a series of unfortunate acts. Every experience is a good experience as far as I'm concerned because all good is nothing without having the bad to appreciate it.

In a recent turn of events in my life, I rested on my gut instinct that what I was going through was in fact a blessing in disguise. In spite of the shock, I trusted that I would be okay and that I would be victorious. I allowed the door to close, took time to clear and ease my mind, body, and spirit, and now am reaady to walk through the opening door and receive all that is to come to me. The door wthat will now open for me will be filled with even more reward than I'd gotten previously and I'll be in a position to be and do more with myself and my life. So, to those who thought their way was better than His way, well, know that you can't box with God and His armour of protection remains steadfast around those who trust and believe in Him and His word. I give thanks and praise to my Heavenly Father for instilling His grace, mercy, and favor upon me.

With each day, I grow stronger in so many ways and I do not take anything for granted. As I prepare for my 41st year to end, I look back with happiness and gratitude for the doors that closed and those that opened for me. In review, I know that each one was a intrical part of continuing my growth. Over the course of the next 37 days, I will walk in and out of a few more doors and on the 38th day, I'll welcome in my new year; and will walk through that door with pride that I've made it one more year.

Love to live; live to love!

A tagged confession, Parts 1 &2

2009-08-05T22:43:00.003-04:00

I was tagged by QueenBee for the Blame Tara Meme

Part 1

Who is the hottest movie star?
Well, Denzel Washington immediately comes to mind, so I'll have to go with that. He's sexy, talented, versatile and he could be my leading man any day; any time.

Apart from your house/car, what is the most expensive thing you've ever bought?
I bought myself a huge sapphire and diamond ring for my 3oth birthday

What is your most treasured memory?
The day I met Achilles Heel

What is the best gift you ever received?
A plane ticket to Jamaica

What is the biggest mistake you ever made?
Not pressing charges

Four words that describe you?
Free-spirited, honest, faithful, loving

What is the highlight and lowlight of 2008?
Highlight - taking a leap of faith
Lowlight - unncessary drama

Favourite film?
Oh dear! I don't think I can limit that...pass!

Tell me one thing I don't know about you?
I clean my nails while I'm driving

If you were a comic book character, who would you be?
Wonder Woman, but The Hulk runs almost neck and neck

Part 2...Talking About Love
Pick your artist: Maxwell

Are you male or female - This Woman's Work

Describe yourself - Fortunate

How do you feel - Changed

Describe where you currently live - Urban Hang Suite

If you could go anywhere, where would you go - For Lover's Only

Your favourite form of transportation - Ascension

Your best friend is - Noone

Your favourite color is -Black

What's the weather like - Cold

Favourite time of the day - Eachhoureachsecondeachminute

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called - Sumtin Sumthin

What is your life to you - Gettin to now Ya

Your relationships - Reunion

Your fear - Symptom Unknown

What is the best advice you have to give - Help Somebody

If you could change your name, what would it be - Pretty Wings

Thought of the day - Now/At the party

How would I like to die - Silently

My souls present condition - Everwanting: to wanting to want

My motto - Loveyou

Who I'm tagging...
Her Side,

Thank You!

2009-07-27T08:51:00.002-04:00

As I journey through another transition in my life, I continue to give honour, thanks, and praise to my heavenly Father. Even when I don't always know or understand the circumstances that seem out of my scope of comprehension, I trust in He that sustains me. I allow His righteousness and goodness to guide my path and rely on my faith to continue to carry me through. I've come too far to turn back now and I know that with each trial; there is an equal or greater triumph.

I truly believe that there is nothing I can't do without Him and whatever He has ordained in my life; it will come to pass. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not...". Well, I have because I do ask and I do pray, and I do believe. I am forever grateful that there is someone in my life who'll be there night or day; good or bad; right or wrong. My way is His way as best I can because no matter what I am a sinner, but I am a saint each time I stand strong, seek forgiveness, and strive to be and do better. My life has been a series of opportunities missed and taken; however, the latter reigns supreme because I put God into what I do.

I am 49 days away from my next new year and as I am in the closing phase of my old year, I look back with pride as I see the growth; the increased potential; the improved confidence; the exacting of things I've proclaimed for myself; the spiritual wealth I've gained; and the happiness that manifests in my life. Love for myself; for my family/friends; for my life is infinite and I truly rest in the words that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper".

Each day I rise is another reason to celebrate. Each day I live is another reason to be thankful. Each day I can touch another life affirmatively means, I'm honouring Jesus' death for my salvation. Each day I can share His word, means my faith has multiplied. There is not a day that I am not grateful. There will not be a day where I will not give thanks.

With transition, comes the responsibility to utilize each and every experience and make your life count.

So, today I share my gratitude first and foremost with my heavenly Father and then to all those who are in my life and those who'll cross my path.

The following came from my Daily Word...

I am grateful!

Starting the day in gratitude, my first prayer is Thank You, God! I am grateful for beauty and love, for surprises and excitement, for friendship and community, and for the presence of God in all.

Even if I may be going through a challenging experience, I am grateful, for I know that good will come from it. Will I learn of inner strength that I didn't know I had? Will I gain a renewed appreciation for my life and the people in it?

I am grateful for my present circumstances, for I know they offer opportunities for growth. I thank God for the life I have been given and the life I am creating by seeing the good in all that comes before me.

"Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving."--Psalm 95:2

Live to love; love to live!

from 0 to 60

2009-07-22T14:13:00.003-04:00

As I sat here feeling a little apathetic, uninspired, and a little out of it, I decided to clean out some files on my computer and as I did, I came across something that left room for pause and suddenly energized me back into the vibrant frame of mind I typically have. It's funny how when you're feeling un or under inspired, all it takes is a little nudge to put you back on track.

Hope you enjoy this...even though I do not recall how I got it or where it came from, so whomever the author is of this; I apologize for not being able to give due credit...

You can’t be where you won’t go.

Perseverance will be the vehicle to victory.

Having a dream is only half the equation. You must put your dream into action.

Writing is a craft that not only takes practice but plenty of patience.

Networking is the key in seeing your purpose come to fruition.

Stay hungry. There is always room for improvement.

Passion is a force that can bring about change if applied.

Purpose and passion are synonymous.

Discover and rediscover the hidden treasures of your heart.

Writing is a tool that can set any mood and entice the reader to travel with you,
regardless of content.

Printed words on paper should be as effective as if you were speaking at the podium to thousands.

Destiny desires that you mentor and support others in the area of passion you are pursuing, those above and below.

Love to live; live to love!

Love does not kill; people do!

2009-07-16T08:33:00.002-04:00

In light of the recent deaths; Steve McNair and Arturo Gatti, it's clear to me that there is a blatant disregard for love and the person's comprehension of it. People are running around doing all kinds of heinous things in the name of love, but love does not kill; people do. Love is not some ugly tyrant out to hurt people; love is the purest of all emotions; however, the most easily an readily abused emotion. More often than not love has become profane like a 4-letter word and it's sad; so very sad.

I've always said, "the word and deed go hand in hand or that words without action are just words." This applies especially to those who are out there cheating and carrying on in the name of love, but aren't living in the essence of love. The writing is on the wall and there are so many out there that need a to have a Come to Jesus Meeting to get a case of "get right".

Love is something we all need and we all need to share in order to receive. Love is not something to be squandered, ill-applied for personal gain, or to be used as a tool/weapon. Love is something we all want and desire and we must plant the seed in order to reap the reward of it. The scripture says it all. Reflect on it and utilize it to its fullest.

Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth —1 John 3:18

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

When you see someone in need,
Love demands a loving deed;
Don’t just say you love him true,
Prove it by the deeds you do. —Sper

Check out this link for some additional reading Listen for Love

Read this, voice your concern, and be aware; very aware of your actions

2009-07-15T14:51:00.004-04:00

I was over at Oh Hell Nawl and came across a sad, but ABSOLUTE MUST READ post.

Please make time to check it out and please share your concerns/opinions on the story either on here or on the OHN site.
Real Talk

Love's Divine

2009-07-14T21:49:00.004-04:00

I've waited all my life for the love of my life to walk in and one day he did. There he was standing there in his deep caramel visual splendor and it was love at first sight. It's a feeling that is unexplicable and there is absolutely nothing I could ever compare it to. Fortunately for me, the feeling was mutual and it was the making of one intense, absolute, perfectly (at least perfect for us) formed, serendipitous, fate-driven, and passionate relationships we'd ever had. Sadly, all things that glitter aren't always gold, and we spent the next 14 years in one still intense, but bittersweet relationship.

Talk about hills and valleys, rollercoasters, and other such adjectives to describe the complexities of well placed, but often untimely relationship; however, the love that existed between us never went away in spite of whom we were with. Denial was never a factor in what did or didn't happen between us; it was more a fear on his part that I would somehow change from the woman he'd fallen for to some other woman once he was in the relationship. Given that I've not changed; at least for the worst in 14 years, he really didn't have anything to fear except his own vulnerability in letting go once and for all.

After honest, open, continual, and forthright conversations, we've finally come to the place where we started all those years prior. The intense feelings; the passion; the connection; and the love is even more solid than ever and we're finally; not just on the same page, but in the same sentence. Love is patient and it is kind; and the due dilligence paid has now paid off. Love's Divine is what I'm feeling and it's more stronger and powerful than the bionic and woman combined.

Time has been the true testiment to this story and right now I'm experiencing what it means to love to live; live to love and man does it ever feel good.

Love to live; live to love!

the blessings of random acts

2009-07-14T16:02:00.002-04:00

I took the day off today because I wanted to. I wanted to share time with someone and not have to wait for the weekend to do it. The simple pleasures were enacted and exacted and the weather; not to hot or cold; added another wonderful component to it all.

For those of you who haven't used all your vacation or leave time, please take some time off to kick back and enjoy. You don't always need a plan or something to do; just take some time for yourself or to spend with someone special.

I wish I could tell you how wonderful this day has been and have you see the smile that still sitting on my face. I'm thankful for days like this when I can give thanks and enjoy nature in its infinite splendor.

Oh, and Maxwell's new CD on repeat...oh my!

Love to live; live to love! (I damn sure am!!!)

wow! just wow!

2009-07-13T14:03:00.004-04:00

A long-standing prayer has been answered and I have to give thanks, honour and glory to my heavenly Father for knowing the needs of my heart and acting in my favour. It took years of praying, hoping, and patience, but God never acts before it's time.

I feel blessed beyond measure right now. I've had a smile pasted on my face all morning. I feel His presence in and around me and man does that ever feel good. Transitions are beautiful things when you embrace the opportunities and times of change in your life.

I may not have a lot of things, but my wealth in life is great and nothing can compare to that measure of prosperity. My well spring is full and runneth over and my abundance is exceeding to me, my life, and those I share it with.

In the words of the song, "...it is well with my soul..."

Have an amazing day blog family; make it count always; in ALL ways!

Love to live; live to love!

love to live; live to love

2009-07-09T06:43:00.003-04:00

I was reading my Daily Bread this morning and this part of the reading really jumped out at me and I had to post it...

"...We sometimes need a reminder that acquiring “things” is not nearly as important as appreciating the people God has placed in our lives..."

Love is never afraid of giving too much.

In light of the recent deaths whether they've been by natural cause or otherwise; we have to recognize the fragility of life and people. We must always be thankful for what; but moreso whom with have in our lives and give full appreciation to first our heavenly father and then to those he has blessed us with.

Today, take some time out of your day to call someone and tell them how much you love them and how thankful you are for not just having them in your life; but what their presence means to you.

To those who are both new and old to Is It Just Me, I thank you for showing an interest in my humble blog and I do truly appreciate each of you for giving feedback, for your encouragement, inspiration, and even those who've challenged my words. Each of you have given me something and I humbly and fully appreciate that.

Have a blessed and fruitful day.

Love to live; live to love!

happiness is...

2009-07-02T13:07:00.002-04:00

...having a great spiritual foundation; unconditional faith, and a God who'll never let me down

...having some of the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for.

...having family that even when you're not together; you're together

...knowing that loving myself enough to not compromise my emotional integrity

...having a daughter who brings the ultimate joy to my life

...knowing that doing things with purpose and intent will serve me well

...allowing myself to live and live well

...knowing that the truth is always the best way to be and live

...taking a leap of faith could be the best move ever made

...not allowing negativity to be welcomed into my life or my home

...being strong enough to both love and to let go

...welcome the newness each day brings

...taking comfort knowing that there is still goodness in the world

...the musical statements that speak when my own words elude me

...being able to accept the body I live in doesn't have to be what society dictates

...being or getting hurt isn't always a bad thing because there was a lesson to be learned in spite of the pain

...taking chances is another way of spreading my winds

...life's journey is best enjoyed when you're able to take some detours

...appreciating, being grateful, being prayerful, loving, sharing and caring

...saying what you mean and meaning what you say

...hearing the word, but having the deed to punctuate

...knowing I can and do make a difference

...knowing to forgive and ask for forgiveness

...not being afraid to say, "I'm sorry"

Have a fantastic weekend. Love yourselves and share that love with all those who are important to you.

Love to live; live to love!

Endorphins, heartbeat highs, and other things that make you moist or swoon

2009-06-30T13:17:00.000-04:00

I spoke with Achilles Heel today! That in and of itself gives me the butterflies worse than anticipating your first kiss. He’d been on my mind the past few days and I refused to call. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was enjoying the feeling that thinking of him gave me. He’s been in my prayers; prayer’s for his safety; his health; his stability (emotional, mental, and physical; the development of our continued friendship and a few other things that would resort in over sharing…lol!

He called this morning and I missed the call for having the phone on my bed while I was in the bathroom; music blasting. When it was time for me to leave the house, I picked up the phone and didn’t realize he’d not only called, but left a message. Upon noticing the missed call, I promptly called back.

Me: - Sorry, I didn’t realize til now that you called (cheesing hard)

A.H – Yea right! You just didn’t want to talk to me…I see how it is.

Me: - C’mon now, that’s not the case; never the case.(fawning)

A.H: - Uh, huh. (grinning…could hear it in his voice)

Me: - Did you get the package?

A.H: - Yea. Thanks…so that means you didn’t listen to my voicemail?

Me: - No. I saw the missed call and just called back…I’ll listen to it later.

A.H: - Okay.

Me: - Anyway, how are you?

And then we went into what we’ve been up to etc since we last spoke and I’m grinning like the Spelling Bee Champion and feeling like I was injected with anything and everything that could make me high. The conversation didn’t last too long as he had to get back to work, but said he’d call later. I then listened to the 50 second voice message he left and felt a warmth rush over me as I eargasmed and paused when he said, “wow” over the letter I’d sent.

Call #2 was a review of the letter I’d sent along with a CD containing a collection of songs that I thought he’d like. I asked about his reaction to the letter and why it was “wow!” He read the letter back to me and punctuated certain parts of it with where the “wows!” fit in. I was elated. We talked about this and that and that and this and the easy conversation that exists between us married our words into verbal bliss and I was completely satiated.

Unfortunately, duty called and he had to end the conversation, but I’m sure he’ll call back before days end. While at lunch, I was overcome with this amazing rush that erupted within me and all I could do was smile. My heart was and still is very content; he does that to me. He gets me; he feels me; my energy. He’s the balance to my scale; the north in my compass; the ray of sunshine in my otherwise gloomy day; the one person in this world (outside of Lil Lady) that moves me and brings me joy beyond measure. I heart him undeniably; unequivocally to the point of craziness looking sane. Yea, he’s got and does that thang!

Love to live; live to love!

Things that make upset in the community

2009-06-25T14:14:00.002-04:00

...the continued fad of saggin pants

...proceating with known dead beat dads

...having expensive and tricked out cars while living in the hood or with yo mama

...how folk be tawkin like dey don't know no bedda

...showing up at your childs school looking a triple hot mess

...having money to get your hair and nails did, but fuss that baby doesn't have any milk/pampers

...spending more money on material things (bling, cars, clothes etc.,) and not on things that promote wealth (education, stability, upward mobility etc.,)

...keeping up with your vehicles scheduled maintenance and not on your health

...blaming your obesity on being big-boneded

...putting Tims, Jordans, or other expensive shoes on a baby that can't walk

...doing nothing to uplift your community, but complain that the other folk have this or that

...women who dress scantily clad and gyrate to mysogonistic lyrics and then complain about being stepped to some kind of way

...teaching our children to be grown and then fuss them out for "acting grown"

...knowing lyrics to all the horrible songs out there, but not know the schoolwork

...being able to do the latest dance, but can't pass a fitness test

...speaking Ebonics and such is NOT proper English

Deuces!

Love to live; live to love!

Hateration!!

2009-06-24T12:25:00.008-04:00

I was at a party this past weekend and was so ready to serve up a smorgasbord of the above picture to the women in the house. Why? Because there was no need for all the visual hateration I was getting. I give props to all the full-figured women who sported their mini dresses, low cleavage tops, and very tight pants for their confidence. Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it they say.

Now, I'm 5' 7" barefoot. I wear 3-4 inch heels almost daily and 5 when I'm really feeling it. I weight between 145-150, have a 29 inch waist, and am considered fit by all health standards. I can comfortably fit clothes in single digits from the Juniors department and am damn sure proud of being able to maintain my body at almost 42 years old.

I don't make a habit of coming off as "all that" because I'm not "all that" as beauty is subjective, but let's just say, I; for the most part am not lacking for attention. I walk with an air of confidence because I am confident in myself, but am far from arrogant or conceited. Anyway, while at this party, the women looked at me like they wanted to throw me off the boat. Why? That's yet to be determined, but let's say it's safe to assume that my outfit was commanding all kinds of attention from both the men and women. I chose it because I was comfortable in it and also because I knew it would be hot on the boat. I didn't wear it because I was seeking attention as the haters might think.

My point of this is that I'm sick and tired of women giving me the side eye or mean mugging me because they think I think I'm all that. I also am sick of being visually criticized because I'm wearing something they wish they could have. Now, as I said before, if the full-figured women can sport their (sometimes inappropriate) outfits, then why can't I? I'm not going to start wearing a Burkha because someone is jealous or envious of me, my clothes, or my figure.

So, here's what I looked like...

Love to live; live to love!

Not your garden variety P.M.S

2009-06-19T13:13:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with My Girl where we were discussing the heinous crime that exacts itself upon us roughly every 28 days. We fussed and complained, but then decided that we must accept it as a part of our nature and instead of cursing it, just let it be. We figured if we breathed negative energy into it, the worse it would feel month after month. Now, for me, my "monthly contribution" is short-lived; however, still rather discomforting and something I wish would just stop. I'm going through chemically induced menopause as a result of the medicine I take, but I'm still menstruating, so the conflicts my body goes through is nuts, but hey, that's why they created meds to control the Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder-PMDD that I'm going through.

Anyway, I didn't bring you here to tell you about my bodily functions...I digress...here's what I really wanted to talk about.

So, My Girl and I continued to talk and we start talking about men, relationships and life. We discussed how we could flip P.M.S and make it something positive; something that we could center on and use effectually in our lives. We came up with Pure Mental Serenity...Our P.M.S. We agreed that there are so many things in life to be celebrated than to stress over a temporary; albiet an annoying factor in our lives. Together we spoke of how far we've come as women and how much we've overcome in order to be solid and whole women. We celebrate each other's ups and nurture each other through the downs and still find joy in the experience no matter what.

P.M.S is achieveable people if you want it bad enough. P.M.S can be retrieved by simply being still for a moment and releasing the pressure valve holding you mentally hostage; job/children/spouse/money or whatever stress. There are things that are within our power to handle and control and there are plenty that are not and it's at those times you pray, you have faith, and you hold the knot in that rope a little tighter. You give the problems over to your Higher Power and "accept the things you can not change". Your P.M.S will kick in and you will find that which will sustain you. And if per chance you're unable to having that P.M.S moment and need to let it all out; then have at it. Cry; kick; scream; take that drive, or whatever it is that provides comfort and you'll find the P.M.S will be right there with you as you've released the negative into the universe and made room for the positive to unfold in and around you.

My Girl and I have accepted this into our beings. We give and receive it as we continue to inspire, nurture, and encourage each other. God was very much in the midst of that conversation on that special day. He governed our thoughts and our speech enough to bring tears to our respective eyes as we realized the power, wealth, and magnitude of the conversation we were having. There is no greater joy than that!

We are all special creations of God's awesome love and wonder. We must accept that His way is not our way and that the trials we go through aren't because he loves us not, but instead because he loved us enough to die for us. He gave us a clean slate to work with and somehow we sullied it by sidestepping Him. When we attach negative labelings to so many things, it's no wonder why we feel so heavy-ladened instead of joyous. Having P.M.S can avert the negative formations in your life if you allow it to. What do you have to lose? I say, give it a try; open your heart and mind to a new version of P.M.S; you're gonna thank me for it.

Love to live; live to love!

what i know for sure...

2009-06-18T10:50:00.003-04:00

...hurt people; hurt people

...without communication there is NO honest/open/effectual dialog

...another CAN NOT make you whole; you gotta get there by yourself

...if you don't love yourself, you can't effectively love another

...stop believing in the fairy tale; not every relationship has a happy ending; create your own

...sex as a foundation for a relationship is like building a house on sand

...honor your gut feelings/intuition and stick by deal breakers

...know and adhere to your tolerance factor; stop making excuses for others behaviour

...compromising on some things is okay, but settling is not

...not only hear, but listen to what people are telling you; there's a valuable lesson in doing both

...accepting that which you know is wrong or unhealthy for you; sets the tone for how you're treated

...honor your mind AND body

...physical satisfaction is great, but temporary; total (mind/body/soul) satisfaction lasts longer

...loving someone and liking them are two different things; know the difference

...sex and intimacy are not one in the same; neither is sensuality and sexuality

...being single is NOT a bad thing

...being with someone just to say you are IS a bad thing

...carry yourself in the fashion you want to be treated and you will be treated accordingly

...watch both what people say and do; they're telling you something all the time

...if you allow yourself to be mistreated, you can't blame anyone else for it

...if he's not already taking care of the kids he has, do NOT have a child with him

...infidelity is not cool, but if you're gonna cheat BOTH parties need to use protection

...what goes on behind closed doors; stays behind closed doors

...if you chose to share your personal/private/intimate business, ensure the person you're sharing with is ABSOLUTELY and UNEQUIVACABLY trustworthy and you have dirt on them too (lol)

...respect and trust are earned and not to be treated or taken lightly

...playing the game and not knowing the rules or your position is not a good look

...confidence, maturity, and self-awareness is sexy

...bragging don't make it the truth; self-praise is not flattery

And those are my gems of wisdom for the day.

love to live; live to love

exceedingly; abundantly good

2009-06-15T11:46:00.004-04:00

So, my life exceedingly abundantly good! Why? Because two years ago (June 27th to be exact), I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I endured biopsies, tests upon tests, major surgeries; and am now a two year survivor. I'm an even greater health advocate than I was prior to my diagnosis; feel infinitely blessed for having maintained a strong and positive disposition through it all; and know that withouth God's influence and my support system, it wouldn't have been easy.

God who continues to love me, guide me, and provide me with all the things I need.

I have the most amazing daughter! She is absolutely beautiful inside and out; has maintained being on the High Honor Roll for this; how her Junior year (completed), is a Varsity Scholar, and is in the National Honor Society. She's an only; only (neither her father nor I have other children) and although she pretty much gets what she wants; she's not a brat. We have and open and honest relationship where she share just about everything. She's not just my daughter; she's my best friend and damn, if the Lord didn't bless me above measure with her.

I have the most amazing church family. Big shout out to the Macendonia Baptist Church. It's a small; but intimate congregation where there is no pretense; none of that other drama that comes with black churches. We all get along; look out for each other; and share the Word. My faith and spirituality has grown exponentially in the few months I've been there and I truly feel like it's home.

I'm going through an amazing growth with an old friend. We've been friends for 14 years and right now this is the closest we've ever been. Even though our falling out broke my heart; forgiveness has closed the gap and we're in a better place than ever before. We live in a society where everything is disposable and people lack the will to fight, but this friendship means the world to both of us and we're equally happy to have gotten back in the ring to fight for it.

Mentors/Role Models...wow! I don't even know how to begin this one. My Girl; you know who you are. The talks, the laughs, and the amazing bond that we share. You're truly wonderful and you're priceless. My minister/surrogate mother; you're so awesome. You encourage, guide, inspire, and support me in so many ways. You've been such a rock in my foundation for the past couple of years and you continue to help me be the best woman I can be. Rosemarie, even though we've never met, you inspire me immensely. My male BFF My Boy; you are the bestest a girl could ask for. We fight; we play; and we're R.o.D's (Ride or Die). To those of you I haven't named, please don't think I've forgotten you cause I haven't. I guess I'm gonna have to do another post dedicated to those who are pillars in my structure.

For life and all that comes with being a part of it. I refuse to let cloudy day ruin my sunny disposition. I may not have much, but I have enough and have what I need. Being positive and remaining steadfast in my convictions and having faith that is unwavering is the best security blanket ever. I walk by faith and not by sight and pray with conviction and intention. I live my life to the fullest and accept the rains that come as cleansing tools to wash away the negative and make way for even more positivity. I go hard with all I do and strive to be the best I can be always; in all ways.

love to live; live to love!

a quickie

2009-06-11T16:27:00.001-04:00

Now, before you get all exicted; this isn't a TMI post; it's just a quick note to say I haven't forgotten about you or blogging. I've allowed myself to slip off the radar and I do need to get my mojo back, so I'm gonna do my best to be better about my post; it's not like I don't have a bunch of stuff to talk about anyway.

Blessings to all and stay up good people.

Love to live; live to love!

it's in his/her kiss

2009-06-04T15:54:00.003-04:00

If anyone had heard the conversation Lil Lady and I were having the other day, they would not have thought a 17 y/o would have been conversing with her mother; but we're cool like that and talk about anything. So, what were we talking about? Kissing!

I've had a long-standing philosophy that if you can't kiss, you can't f*ck! It's something I determined in my late teens after I'd broken up with my high school boyfriend, whom while an arse hole, was in fact a great kisser and good lover. He was the only man I'd known and having been with him for two years (16-18), I'd learned a fair amount about sex and intimacy.

During my freshman year of college, I had a crush on a basketball player. He was tall, cute, nice body; all the things a young woman wants in a man, but when it came to kissing, he was awful. I felt like an algae fish was on my face. I got no sparks; nada, zilch, zip, zero. I figured it was a fluke as we were both a little nervous, so I let it slide. The next time I kissed him, it was an immediate replication of the first and I decided that he would not be a suitable match for me. I promptly ended my interest in him. I reconciled myself to not dating and keeping books and my frequent trips to NYC as my priority. Some time later, a young lady expressed an interest in said baller and asked if I was still seeing him. I told her no and she asked why. I cited that we were incompatible and left it at that. She pressed for details, inquiring if he was a jerk, insensitive, etc. Wanting to spare sullying his name, I tried to maintain a generic reason, but she again pressed, so I told her he couldn't kiss. She seemed stunned that that would be a reason and I told her my philosophy and one that has been confirmed by myself and others to be true. I told her she was willing to do whatever she wanted with my information; save for telling him my actual reason (which he never knew).

She began dating him and that ended maybe a couple of months after we'd spoken. I wasn't aware it was over when I inquired and she immediately told me that I was right. Duh? Really? Of course I didn't say that to her, but you know I thought it. She said, his kisses were wet and sloppy and his sex was equally awkward and messy. She'd gone as far as to inquire (casually) about his skills with a couple of other girls (he was an upperclassman) and they likewise said he wasn't "all that" or a "disappointment". She told me that she now wishes she'd listened to me and would add my philosophy to her repetoire of deal breakers when seeking a relationship.

Okay, story told for history. Now to my point...

It really is in how a man kisses that you know whether or not you want to go any futher. His kiss will tell you many things and if you can see past worrying about his hurt feelings for you prematurely ending your interest in him, you'll agree that he probably would have been lousy in bed. I've shared my view with my boys and other males that I know and they, too are in compliance. Kissing is the gateway to sex and intimacy. In fact, kissing is the greatest form of intimacy; hence, why prostitutes do not kiss on the mouth. Did you think they didn't do it for no reason?

Now, think back to some bad kisses in your day and you'd slept with any of them, was the sex bad? You don't need to name names; we respect the privacy of others and will protect the orally challenged. *lol*

All jokes aside though, if my 17 y/o who's kissed two boys in her entire precious life knows this, then there is something to be learned here. Please don't think you can 'train' someone how to kiss as you're only going to get frustrated and ultimately lead them to thinking they're actually able to be a match for you. Remember two good people aren't always good together. Chemistry is a powerful tool and something that can not be manufactured. Imagine being in the height of sexual emotion and arousal and whom you're with kisses you and it's all sloppy and ish and it skunks your entire groove? That would be like someone bumping the turntable and the vinyl skipping. That's a bad look as the whole party is now shut down.

I've been fortunate to respond quickly and efficiently to ending kisses that aren't favorable and as previously stated, found a way to end the progression of the relationship before I had the misfortune of having my sexual experience turn into a disaster. I think of one person in particular who's got kissing on lock and damn if he didn't ever prove his worth in that kiss. I promptly and well-deservingly assigned 'Kiss of Life' as his theme song because that kiss was truly like my kiss of life. To date he's managed to maintain his Hall of Fame status and that's one hell of an achievement on his part.

So, my PSA and lesson learned for the day is...Kiss and tell...tell him/her that there are incompatibilties that will not aspire to a good progression of the relationship if that's the direction you're heading in. It's better to be honest and roll out than to stick it out and settle for less than stellar intimacy; that's just not a good thing. However, if kissing ain't your thing, then you go ahead and do you in however you see fit; cause I'm not one to knock what is acceptable to another. Just don't bring that sloppy ish my way!!!!

Love to live; live to love!

Suicide is not an option!

2009-06-03T08:22:00.002-04:00

In light of the many negative experiences I’ve had, it’s anyone’s guess how I managed to survive without the use of drugs, alcohol, or being promiscuous, but I’m happy to say I have. From sexual, physical, and emotional abuse to the endurance toxic relationships and self-inflicted cutting, I’ve looked back on my life with awe. I recall so many times when I wondered, “how the heck am I going to make it through this?”, but somehow I did. And although I had a sometimes contentious relationship with religion, I always understood The Word and how important faith and prayer was. Even in my darkest hours, my spirituality and faith guided me and it was that blind walk that led me through. As it’s said, “walk by faith and not by sight”.

When I made the revelation that I used to cut myself, those that I told thought I was somehow trying to kill myself; that was not the case. I was instead trying to kill the pain I felt and the conflicted feelings, which often ran through my veins with a hold worse than heroin. I’ve finally healed that issue in my life and it’s been close to 5 years (I think...I stopped counting) since I last cut myself. Even better than that, I don’t even have the desire to digress as I refuse to allow anything or anyone to stress me that badly. I’m blessed to have a really good foundation of support to rest on when my own footing is weak.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize and recognize that suicide in any form is not an option. We all find ways to ‘kill’ ourselves and it must stop. We must find ways to reduce and eliminate pain in our lives. We must find a spiritual place to release ourselves and find the strength to go on and endure. We must get out of relationships platonic or intimate that bring no real joy or substance to our lives; stop holding onto people that simply aren’t worthy of you, your love, or your time. Although this economy doesn’t afford many to find alternative employment, so if you have to remain in a position you don’t like, find a way to make it work for you instead of you for it. There is no encore for life; this is it so adhere to the following:

Birth Certificates show that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

How many pictures do you have?

This prayer was in my Daily Devotional today…

God of abundance, thank you for your grace. How great are all the blessings that fill our lives! Amen.

I find it completely appropriate for not only this post, but for life as a whole. And when you need a spiritual boost; this song will give you some support, joy, and guidance.

Can't Give Up Now - Mary Mary

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn’t fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

[Hook:]No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me (so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Love to live; live to love!

on being and doing me

2009-05-27T07:49:00.004-04:00

I was over my Soul Sister's house Mizrepresent and she had a post (Dueces) about finding/loving herself and it inspired this post.

Since my first relationship at 16, I realized that I was willing to sacrifice, compromise, and give more than I was able to receive in return. Given that I had a very dysfunctional view of what relationships were about thanks to my mum and stepdad; and dad and his several women; now current 4th wife whom I love, I can't fault myself for my misgivings and misunderstandings.

I became a serial monogamist and spent a good portion of my life in one long-term relationship after another. I stuck out relationships that I knew were unhealthy or destined to fail because that was my lesson learned and thought so little of my own emotional happiness. And given that I couldn't really talk to either of my parents about relationships, everything was a trial and error for me.

At some point in my life, I got sick and tired of all the bs and drama that I decided I needed to withdraw and give something back to myself. I took some much needed time out, worked on myself, and made a decision to want more for myself. That process lasted a little while and I was truly happy for and with myself; well, that lasted as long as I remained single. I once again got into a relationship that had its share of problems and given that I was only as good as I was single; began the toxic cycle.

Between the age of 24 and 38, I was in and out of relationships, love, heartbreak; and added more and more emotional scars to my existing repetoire. It wasn't until Oct of 2006 that I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and took control and stock of my life and emotional well-being.

I entered into a celibate period in my life where I refused to date anyone but myself. I refused to allow myself to be controlled or manipulated into something that wasn't in my best interest. I sought professional help, pastoral assistance, read, prayed, and made a commitment to close the doors of past hurts and create the proverbial clean slate.

I shared my innermost thoughts with only those who I knew would be able to speak to me on a foundation of love and with purpose and intent. I knew and accepted that I would be told things that I didn't want to hear, but knew that the words were being said for my own good. I purged myself from negative thoughts, practices, and toxicity. I began to regard myself as a priority, someone worthy of being loved, and most importantly be able to love/accept/embrace myself for the whole woman I was becoming and currently am. It was no easy fete as learned behaviour is hard to unlearn, but that commitment was made with the intent of being carried out and I continued to grow and mature as each day passed.

In time and with patience, I finally reached my destination and I am who I am now. I know what I do and don't want; what I will and won't do or accept; and I do not allow others to define me or turn me into what they want me to be. I give freely, am fiercely loyal, and am harmless unless provoked; the latter being something that lends favor to the fact that I don't do bullsh*t and drama.

I live and love by some definitive rules and practices and they are deeply rooted in positivity, trust, respect, and communication. I am honest; sometimes to a fault as well as uncensored and candid. I will not sugar coat ish and call it candy just to appease someone. I've spent too much of my life doing this for fear of hurting someone else's feelings while hurting myself in the process. This is a practice that is unacceptable and is not tolerated. While I will not be mean or hurtful, I will speak with truth and explanation as to why I feel how I do. We can very well ultimately agree to disagree, but I will not allow my personal, social, and emotional integrity to be compromised.

One of these days, I'll be ready for a monogamous relationship again, but until then, I'm happily single by choice and when I do date it's because it's what I want to do and with whom I want to share my time with. Our status and intent for social time is clearly defined so no party can say they didn't know. I play know games where I'm not aware of the rules; relationships included. If we're going to be Friends; then that's what we'll be or if we're going to be Friends with Benefits; then that needs to be clearly defined. On-going communication is essential to our progression at any level as it serves as the cornerstone for understanding and growth.

So, as I approach my next new year in September, I am spending some time in review of my expiring year and seeing where I've grown, where I need work, and setting goals/projections of where I see myself next year. It's important for me to always climb the ladder of emotional success in order to be the best person I can be. Being completely and totally happy with myself is not optional; neither is fully loving the woman I am. I've come a long way from the self-esteem compromised girl who allowed herself and relationships circumstances to be a negative factor in her life. I'm a mature, secure, confident, aware, and most importantly whole being. The fractured pieces have finally come together and the view from my eyes is a clear one. Being jaded and disillusioned no longer exists.

Thanks to my Soul Sister for being my muse and giving me an ever growing awareness of self.

Love to live; live to love!

bittersweet

2009-05-26T16:16:00.002-04:00

It's almost the two year anniversary of finding out I had breast cancer. I'm extremely happy, grateful, and blessed to have come out on the other side with my life and health; however, it doesn't stop me from feeling a little sad. It was a devastating blow to my life and health and something that I was ill-prepared for given that I was deemed to be in excellent health.

Life is truly a blessing and something that should not be taken for granted. None of us are promised another day and we must give thanks and praise daily for being here. Put time and energy into taking care of yourselves as you would the cars you drive. Love those in your life unconditionally. Forgive and forget; it's easier said than done I know, but better in the long run. Open your heart to receive love and all the blessings set before you. Find the joys in the small things. Seek the positive in any negative; this experience gave me my mother back, so there's hope out there. Most of all make every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year count.

In closing, I must implore each of you to be a part of my mantra...LOVE TO LIVE; LIVE TO LOVE...you'll one day thank me for those words.

Lyrical Quotes...

2009-05-13T15:00:00.003-04:00

Songs have a way of saying the things we may be thinking/feeling, but don't know how to convey, so I've gathered some choice lyrics from some of my favourite songs...

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”…
All at Once - The Fray

“Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you’re not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn’t right then move on
Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better baby on your own”
Express Yourself – Madonna

“I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me…Express yourself don’t repress yourself…”
Human Nature – Madonna

“You don’t know somebody’s aching
Keeping it all in
Somebody won’t let got of his heart
But the truth is
It’s painless
Letting your love show”
Love Show – Skye Edwards

“You found me such a mess
And still you took my hand
And helped me out of numbness
Became my true strength
I'd been running looking for a home
And when you saw me out of breath
From running on my own
Is when you kissed me out of death
Now that I'm recovering
I'm so glad for one thing only
I'm so so glad I let you in…”
Back to Live – Corneille

“Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard”
Kindly Unspoken – Kate Voegele

Let me begin by saying what I mean
It's a crime against the heart you know
To be somewhere in between
I Won’t Disagree – Kate Voegele

“It took stumbling, it took falling,
it took distance, it took time,
it took a lot of getting lost to realize...
I was already home, right where I was supposed to be
You were right in front of me
I was not alone…”
Already Home – Ha-Ash

“Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not”
The Show – Lenka

“I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
A worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame”
Worrisome Heart – Melody Gardot

What heartache feels like…

2009-05-12T12:36:00.002-04:00

I received a txt from my cuz this morning, which left me completely gobsmacked. I replied and asked her to call me as soon as she was able, which she did. She detailed the meaning of her txt and I was hurt and shocked right along with her. As a result some of the following came to mind:

Knowing the truth and it not set you free

The sudden cold on an otherwise sunny day

Having your period while wearing white pants

The fly that lands in your ice cream sundae

Being sucker punched by someone you know couldn't really kick your ass

Tripping and falling while making a grand entrance

Seeing something you've wanted for a long time finally go on sale and not have the money to get it

Entering and winning a contest and then not being able to call in and claim it

Showing up just a moment too late/too soon

We've all been through some heartache; what's your analogy for it?

Love to live; live to love!

mind dumping...another installment

2009-05-08T07:54:00.002-04:00

I had two incidents this week where my coworkers almost were the cause for these statements, "you have the right to remain silent...", "watch your head ma'am", and "your Honor, what had happened was..." Coworker #1 pushed all the wrong buttons and had me visualizing myself cutting his aorta. I really wish people would learn to leave well enough alone and stop thinking they're more funny than they really are. Coworker #2 was so completely rude, disrespectful, and unprofessional to our manager that I had to call on Him to give me the right words to diffuse the situation. Our manager is one of the sweetest, nicest, and caring people I've ever worked for and his conduct toward her left much to be desired. I was glad when the Lord blessed me with some stern words to exact with professional integrity and prevent him from continuing his more than unnecessary tirade.

The Toolbelt called me a couple of days ago telling me he had a hard on with my name on it...WHAT? REALLY? Uhm, no! He broke so many Man Laws that he should go back to Gender Specific and Appropriate Codes of Conduct for Trying to Get the Ass 101. Needless to say, he got shot down with a verbal AK-47.

"My purpose will stand, and I will fulfill my intention" are words I live by and my purpose is truly manifesting itself. It's God's desire that I utilize my past hurts and growth process to aid other women and I've been given the right words at the right time to encourage others to live their authentic selves and seek that which is right for them as that level of selfishness is mandatory. In addition to providing women with the enrichment they need, I've been in a position to help a male friend through some trials he's facing. I'm happy that I've been able to be a truly good friend and not a crutch.

My friendship with BZ is flourishing and I'm happy that I trusted my gut from the very beginning with her. I'm looking forward to my trip to Boston this summer.

There is a lesson to be learned in every negative experience and most often it's the Lord working in His "mysterious way" to teach us something and put us on the path that leads to understanding and happiness.

Lil Lady says it's not fair that I get two occasions where I'm celebrated because I get Mother's Day and my birthday. I told her that she gets everyday because as long as I'm alive and able, I'm going to be thankful for her and celebrate her presence in my life. She liked that!

Speaking of Lil Lady, she continues to impress and astound me. She's maintaining her position on the High Honor Roll and has a 95.65 GPA. She's an all-around good girl and I'm so blessed to have a open, honest, mutually respectful relationship with her.

I so absolutely love the woman I have come to be and praise God for extending His favor, grace, and mercy upon me. My trials have truly become my triumpths and my faith remains strong and directed. That which did or didn't break me; still made me stronger and wow, what a great feeling that is.

I've got a confession of sorts..."Hi, my name is Blu Jewel and I think I'm becoming a Facebook fiend!" There I said it. Hawa said it would happen, but I was in denial; how I'm facing the truth.

Terry had shut down the Cheap Seats, which caused a major uproar in the Bloggersphere and was shown that he needed to rethink his decision. If you're not already familiar with him, I suggest you check him out; he's worth the read.

I love that I still get that "anxious" feeling when I see or anticipate seeing Achilles Heel even after all these years.

Live life and live it well so that when you're older you get to live again through the memories. Money and material things are good, but not a true measure of how well you've lived.

Well, folks that's all from me today. I wish you a wonderful day, an abundance of blessings, and a heaping of love and happiness.

Love to live; live to love!

The right words...

2009-05-06T11:19:00.002-04:00

I had no idea what to post about today; well, that's not entirely true, I had an idea, but after reading the following; it too precendence:

We need to come to the place where we are secure enough in who we are in Christ that we will not allow our sense of worth to be based on the opinions or actions of others.

Don't try to find your worth in how you look. Don't try to find your worth in what you do. Don't try to find your worth in how other people treat you. You are worth something because Jesus shed His blood for you.

You may have faults, and there may be things about you that need to be changed, but God is working on you the same as He is on everybody else. Don't let somebody else dump their problems off on you. Don't allow someone else to make you feel worthless or useless just because they don't know how to treat you right and love you as you deserve to be loved as a blood-bought child of God.

Don't spend all your life trying to win somebody else's acceptance or approval. Remember that you have already been accepted and approved by God. Make sure that your affirmation, your validation, your sense of self-worth come from Him. Remember that you have already been accepted and approved by God. Make sure that your affirmation, your validation, your sense of self-worth come from Him.

I'm in an on-going conversation with a dear friend who's struggling with his reflection of himself and who he is in relationships and I think this speaks well to what he's going through. I will be sending this to him.

This is an awesome message and one that we all need to heed.

Love to live; live to love!

Health Awareness

2009-05-05T11:02:00.007-04:00

As many of you know I'm a breast cancer survivor and a health awareness advocate. I insist that you all check out the following links:

IBC Symptoms
Breast Cancer Diagnosis NBC Chicago
Photos of what IBC looks like

Many women aren't aware of another form of Breast Cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) as it's not typically detected through self breast exams, mammograms, or the usual means of discovery. It's a highly aggressive form of cancer and by the time it's detected, it's often in the late stages.

I implore the women to be aware of their bodies and any changes it might go through. Please do not overlook what may be a seemingly benign change in your breasts. Please be insistent with your doctors and other health care professionals to not dismiss you or your symptoms.

Men, please take notice of any changes the women in your lives might be going through and identify anything that seems out of the ordinary to you. In addition, advise your women to monitor and maintain their health and please do the same for yourselves.

Love to live; live to love!

MAXWELL “PRETTY WINGS” VIDEO (WATCH)

2009-04-30T07:00:00.003-04:00

I'm so happy Maxwell has FINALLY released this song/video...Check it out and have a great day y'all.

MAXWELL “PRETTY WINGS” VIDEO (WATCH)

Posted using ShareThis

time will bring the real end of our trial
one day they'll be no remnants
no trace no residual feelings within ya
one day u won't remember me

yo face will be the reason i smile
but i will not see what i can not have forever
i'll always love ya i hope u feel the same

oh u played me dirty ur game was so bad
u toyed with my affliction had to fill out my prescription
found the remedy i had to set u free

away from me
to see clearly the way that love can be
when u are not with me
i had to leave, i have to live
i had to lead, i had to live

if i cant have u let love set u free
to fly yo pretty wings around
pretty wings your pretty wings
your pretty wings around

Love to live; live to love!

do it and do it well!

2009-04-28T06:59:00.001-04:00

We've all heard the expression, "life is short" and we've all complained about something not going our way. Well, we have control over the life we live and how well it's lived. We also have to put words into action if we want change in our lives. So, after listening to Steve Harvey this morning on my way in, he said something that stood out to me and I want to share it with you all.

Time x Effort = your reward!

These are powerful words and something we can all do and is something we need to take pride in executing.

It's so easy to complain, want to give up, hide under the sheets, or whatever one does when things are seemingly not going in their favor; however, with executing that simple equation; Time x Effort = your reward! you can achieve more and experience a more pleasurable life. Whether you want a better job, a stable relationship, peace in your life; no matter what it is, you have to be a part of what you want. All the talk in the world isn't good if there is no action behind it.

So, today my brothers and sisters, review your life; evaluate what you want, and start putting forth the Time and Effort to making it happen. Positive thinking lends favor to positive outcomes. Stay up folks; stay up!

Love to live; live to love!

ranDUMBness!

2009-04-23T18:30:00.002-04:00

How come I see more and more fat/overweight cops, doctors, nurses, etc? Aren't these the people who are supposed to be fit and be in positions to help us?

Why do folk talk to their kids any old kind of way and then pop said kids in the mouth when they talk to others foul?

I'm sick and tired of seeing cops running their mouths on their cells while in their patrol cars without using a handsfree device; meanwhile they're pulling folk over for the same thing they're ILLEGALLY doing!

I'm more than convinced that there are too many folk who are comfortble with ignorance being bliss!

I think I'm going to scream the next time I see Ms. Biggums in the Juniors department trying to squeeze into clothes that my 5' 7", 140, well toned frame won't even put on and I CAN!

I really need to know why so-called grown ass men are dressing and acting like teenage boys and then wonder why they get the side-eye when they try to holla?

For the first time I left a comment on Facebook somewhat airing personal beef; I'll never do that ish again.

When I tell someone I'm about to drive and stop txting, why do they keep txting me?

Just because you can; doesn't mean you should!

If you have unprotected sex with a man who's already got 6 kids, why get mad when you end up pregnant and he doesn't want ish to do with you either?

Women...Using sex to get what you want IS prostitution; I'm so tired of saying that.

Denying your wrong-doings when you know you're busted is just dumb because now you'll never get trust or credibility back.

NEVER ask someone for the truth if you can't handle it; EVER!

Love to live; live to love!

I'm officially trailer trash!

2009-04-22T12:08:00.003-04:00

They're reconfiguring our cubicles on the plantation and have temporarily relocated us to a trailer. Wow! Talk about an experience. I feel like a telemarketer in a bullpen because we're all in one huge room sitting close to each other. It's so crazy. I've been in the office since 7:00am this morning and still am not connected to the network and worse yet, this is my busy day. Let's not also take into consideration that I'm going to have to come in on Friday, which is my RDO (regular day off) because I have a document that needs to get out before 3:00pm. Great right?I'm currently using someone else's pc just so I can share this madness with y'all.

So, let me tell you about the trailer itself...It has a camper style toilet, which means you have to prime it (foot pump water into it) before using it and to ensure that your #2 will not stick to the sides of the bowl. We've been advised not to drink the water because it's not potable and when we wash our hands we should still use hand sanitizer. Yea, do the math on that!!! Also, there's a wasps nest in the trailer and I just fond out thath one of the guys is allegic. Niiice! We have to use the water cooler that's installed for consumption, we have a microwave and a refrigerator, so at least we do have some basic amenities. There is another building nearby that we've been given access to of which your girl will be using to handle her toilet business; not that I #2 at work unless it's dire.

We're about a mile or so from the main building, so if we have meetings that we can't dial in for, we have to drive back and forth. In addition, a part of the work I do requires input and signatures from the reviewing party, which will also require me to drive back and forth. You know your girl will be logging ALL her miles right?!

If any of you are complaining about your respective work environments, please think about me and my new status as trailer trash and then be thankful you're not working under my current conditions.

Have a blessed one!

Love to live; live to love!

The Friday F's

2009-04-17T08:26:00.002-04:00

The following is a list of things being with the letter F that will guide me through this day:

FEARLESS: I shall place my confidence in the Lord knowing that He shall guide and protect me.

FAVORED: I am blessed and highly favored because I am the child of the King and His blessings, grace, and mercy are upon me.

FRIENDLY: In all I say and do today, I will be kind and friendly because random acts of kindness can make a difference in someone's day.

FOCUSED: I will set my sights on positive things and thinking. Although it can get hectic sometimes, I still need to have an executable plan that works in my favor.

FRUITFUL: I shall sow good seeds into the universe that I can be a part of the collective union of positivity.

FANTASTIC: I shall be the absolute best woman I can be now and always.

FORGIVING: Even though people may have wronged me or hurt my feelings, I must learn to forgive as I, too, would like to be forgiven.

FULL: I shall live my life full of love and share it with those around me.

FREE: I shall not allow the forces of negativity surround me.

FESTIVE: I shall celebrate the life I live and those in it.

FAIR: I must look at things fairly and objectively in order not to be blinded by my own limited thinking.

FULFILLED: I shall satisfy the desires of my heart, live well and prosper, and appreciate all that I have and all that I am.

FORTUNATE: I woke up this morning able bodied, in good health, with a roof over my head and a means to take care of myself.

Have a fantastic, festive, and full day; I know I will.

Love to live; Live to love

Frankly, I don’t give a damn!!!

2009-04-14T10:24:00.001-04:00

I came across a copy of US Weekly magazine; the one with Jake & Reese on the front and began perusing it as I ate my Cheerios. There was an article about Lindsay Lohan and her financial woes. I read it and chuckled as she complained about not having money, being unemployed “it’s scary being unemployed…”, and finding it hard to get work. Really? What about the everyday folk who weren’t making millions? How the heck do you think they feel? Well, if she hadn’t squandered her reputation whilin out and being promiscuous or her money on $1000k + Gucci bags and such, maybe she’d have a fighting chance of being employable and might have some money in the bank.

According to the article, she had to vacate her $10k a month, (yes, I said a month) spot because she couldn’t afford to keep up with the lease. Now she’s living with former girlfriend Samantha Ronson because she apparently doesn’t have anywhere else to live. In addition, she’s basically grasping at straws to get someone to hire her. “She’s delusional and takes zero responsibility. I can’t imagine anybody is going to take a chance on her”. That’s pretty damn sad. But again I say, when your social and financial behavior is erratic why should someone believe in you. Can you imagine going to your job drunk, high, inappropriately dressed, or acting a fool and they want to keep you around? Or when it’s time for your appraisal, they give you a favorable report? Absolutely not! So, if Ms. Lohan or those like her really think they deserve another chance, then she’ll have to earn it. Just like you or I, we have to be about it; not talk about it. Actions always speak louder than words.

Lindsay had it going on for a little while and I’ll give it to her that she was young, but that’s why you get proper guidance and rely on people who’ll tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. Even though she got into the biz young, it’s not like she didn’t know the trappings that could come with it. Yes, it must be really nice to walk into a store and spend $20k like it’s nothing, but no matter how wealthy one is; being fiscally responsible is always a good look. Having money saved and/or properly invested for a rainy day is definitely a good look.

I don’t feel bad for celebrities who are living their dream, being paid mad money for it, and then they toss it away living a life of partying and excess. I don’t care how much notoriety you have, you should never squander your earnings or reputation because when you fall, you might not be able to come back from it. Unlike you’re average Joe/Jane, they do not live a life that’s not without public scrutiny, so when you fall from grace, it’s like walking around with the scarlet letter on your chest and you’re now seen as a liability. No matter who you are, you should never forget where you came from or burn bridges because when the proverbial ish hits the fan, you might have to start again from ground zero, which is often much harder than the first go around.

So, I’ve said all that to say, I frankly don’t give a damn. I don’t care about Michael Vick with his dog drama. I don’t care about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, or any other celebrity who has squandered their lifes passion/dream on foolishness or doing foolish things. Why? Because there are so many of us who have the talent, but aren’t in the fortunate position to have it recognized or paid for. It’s the average Joe/Jane that so often do more with the little they have, than those who have money/position/notoriety. The average Joe/Jane is the backbone of this society and should be lauded for it. If I had my way, I’d create a magazine called The Average Joe/Jane, which chronicled stories of everyday people who’ve overcome great trials, who help others, or make a difference in their communities. It’s those people the damn paparazzi should be following and not these celebrities who can’t get right.

Well, that’s my rank for the day…Have a great one people!

Love to live; live to love!

Open Letter...I just thought you should know...

2009-04-13T13:24:00.004-04:00

In many recent conversations with Mr. Slish he's asked why I don't talk about some of the more personal details of my life in terms of past or current relationships. I informed him that while I'm not really ashamed of anything I've done, gone through, or am currently experiencing; there are just some things that don't need to be said in a public forum or mixed company. I reserve the right to protect myself, the parties involved, and most of all my intimate life. So, while some of you know some of my pretty personal details, you most certainly don't and won't know it all; I'm simply not that kind of person and those details are reserved for those nearest and dearest to me.

With that being said though, there is someone I'd like to talk about of whom will of course remain nameless.

In the decade plus that I've known you, you've remained the single most intense relationship I've had. From day one, we connected in a way that transcended and defied any other relationship we'd had. In fact, we still have that bond, which we've still not been able to comprehend and I think we've pretty much just given up trying. The road to us hasn't been easy. We met, fell in love at first sight (yes, that is possible), and shared an experience that Lifetime movies, romance novels, and fantasies are made of. In the first 14 hours I'd shared things with you that I'd never shared with anyone else. I let you into the abyss of my existence and you accepted me with my insecurities, self-deprecation, conflicted emotions, and compromised self-esteem. Somehow you found the lost little girl in me that over the years, I kept tucked away so no one could hurt her anymore. Not only did you find her, you loved her, nurtured her, and in many ways validated her. You showed her she was worthy of love and being loved. You allowed the kismet of our meeting to grow and I grew along with you.

For hours we were able to sit and talk about anything and everything. You never made me feel stupid, insignificant or a toy for self-indulgent pleasures. You made love to me in a way that actually scared me. Aside from my virgin experience, no man had ever given so much to me sexually. For the first time in my life, I'd given myself wholely, completely, and without fear. I trusted you implicityly and unequivocally. You were the Alpha to my Omega, the male to my female likeness, and the love that I'd dreamed of forever.

The years of our friendship/relationship weren't always easy and they certainly weren't always kind, yet somehow we always found our way back to each other; however, at some point you became an emotional coward and left me hanging when you should have reached out. There were times where you took far more than you ever gave and I still loved you in spite of it. I defied myself in herculean ways when I told myself I was over you, done with all the mess that somehow now became us, and could and would walk away. These times would last a while, but something somehow always called me back to you. Our bond was like a boomerang. We'd get mad, toss each other away (well, you moreso than me), but like some crazy shift in the universal axis, we'd end up back in each others lives. It was as if we were fish floundering on the shore, hoping the tide would draw us back in.

You actually already know all of this, but since our last fallout, what you don't know is that I'd completely and utterly purged myself of you. I deleted you out of my phone book, deleted your email address, and every photo I had of you; and if memory serves me correctly, I tossed the letters we'd exchanged back in the day too. I not only shut, but changed the locks on my heart/mind/spirit, and installed a state of the art emotional security system to ensure that you could not come back in. I refused to allow you to be a part of my emotional pschye because I felt you no longer deserved any of my goodness. Sadly though, a part of me wishes I had made such a drastic move because I've erased chapters of our relationship like a book caught in a fire. Pages warped, fringed, and no longer decipherable; however, like a good book, you still recall the story even without being able to read it again. The good part about it, is that sometimes you have to raze the house to its foundation in order to rebuild it on more sturdy ground. My forgiving you was the catalyst to you reaching out to me to clear the air and apologize for allowing the emotional big bad wolf known as your emotional cowardice to ruin the single most amazing relationship either one of us had ever had or may ever have.

Now here we are, 14 years, 4 months later better, emotionally stronger, and certainly more vocal people. Well, you're certainly more vocal than you'd ever been in the past and I truly appreciate that. I'm more than happy that the Lord finally got me to listen to the silent whispers He'd been giving me toward you and we can be friends again; a friendship has outlasted our respective marriages and subsequent significant others. Memories don't leave like people do, but when you can get the person back and create new ones; now that's something...I just thought you should know.

Love to live; live to love!

truth be told

2009-04-07T19:07:00.005-04:00

I think that women are their own worst enemy, but are so often in denial about it

Women think about sex as much as, if not more so than men do

Trading sex for having your bills paid makes you a prostitute; you're being paid for a service

Kids today are morally bankrupt because most of their parents are

Money can buy many things, but not real happiness

It's so true that if you're unhappy with yourself, you can't/won't be happy with somoene else. No one can fix you, but you

Love is not just another 4-letter word

just because you can, doesn't always mean you should

even when doing the right thing means doing a hard thing; do it anyway; you'll be glad you did

when you ask someone for the truth, expect that you might actually get it and they're not wrong for what they've said

if you forget where you came from, you'll never know how far you've come

when you truly love yourself, you're never alone because you're always surrounded by good company

love to live; live to love!

wonderlust

2009-04-02T21:35:00.003-04:00

Steve's on a rampage and if he's not satiated soon, he's gonna have me in a world of hurt. Who's Steve? As I've said before, Steve is the name of my libido. Why? Because my libido is like that of an 18 y/o boy, so it needed a name; and so Steve was born.

Dreadz is back in Jamaica and while I miss him much and like him in equal capacity to my missing him, I'm still not sure what long term potential we have; thus leaving me in one hell of a dilema. Legal is my old college friend whom I've had drinks with and hang out with from time to time. He's a good, likeable, and decent guy who could make a good boyfriend, but with his work schedule and my not being sure of my true status with Dreadz, I'm just enjoying his company for now. Toolbelt is trying to get back in, but he's still in time out, so while he's definitely a Triple Threat (deep, dark, and delicious) he's not even worth slutting out. His drama keeps me very cautious. Then there's Achilies Heel. OMG! *swoon* We'd had a major falling out and then managed to work through it and become friends again. A few weeks ago he called and we had a surpisingly long and good conversation. Yesterday, we had an all day txt conversation and the conversation started one way and ended up taking a left turn in Albuquerque with loaded guns at the firing range. Boy, was that ever one heck of a conversation; leaving Steve ready to defy anything I might say and do his own thing.

Now, I didn't bring y'all here to divulge the TMI of my personal life, I'm simply venting as a means to calm Steve down and keep his desires at bay. You see, what's also pissing Steve of is that I gave up self-gratification for Lent seeing as I really don't have any vices to speak of. I don't really drink. I don't smoke or eat really bad foods, so I figured self-gratification was something that I'd miss. Oh, and boy, do I ever miss it. Between my current dry spell since Dreadz absense and my not self-fulfilling, Steve has been wreaking havoc on my innards. He's running around inside me like a richotcheting bullet. I'm trying to be a good girl; I really am, but I really don't know how much longer I can go on.

The irony of it all is that I was celibate for over two years and pretty much didn't give it a second thought, but now I feel like a damn fiend. I guess once you let the cat out the bag (no pun intended), it's pretty hard to put it back in. *Slish, I know you're having a field day with this*. LMAO!

I'm a woman with options and will have to decide which box off the multiple choice list I'll check off. Whatever or whomever I choose, it will be exacted of clear conscious and sound mind; or what's left of it. *giggle*

Have a great weekend chillens!

Love to live; live to love!

uncensored!

2009-03-31T08:53:00.001-04:00

Since embarking on my journey of restoration back in 2006, I realized that I'd lived a good portion of my life censored. I grew up in a house with 4 other siblings and on the weekends when I visited my father, had two more there. In each household, I found that my voice went pretty much unheard. At my mum's, I was the one that was left out, picked on, received little or no attention, which promoted my desire to escape through writing or creating parallel existences and remain censored. While at my father's, my brother and sister included me in their activities, but my father kept us tightly reigned in with his strong religious beliefs and practices, which in that environment kept me relatively censored.

As I grew up, I found that while I had a pretty good voice inside of me, I rarely used it. I excelled in academics and sports, was sought out as a friend, and was well liked and received in all my social events/activities. However, in spite of all of that, I still remained censored. I was often afraid to say what was on my mind, what I was going through, and pretty much buried myself deep within and became what everyone wanted me to be. I lived like that for many years.

When I joined the military in 1987, I knew it was something I truly wanted to do, but wondered how I'd fare with someone barking orders at me all day. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about being surrounded by a bunch of women; most of whom I couldn't stand. And my paramount thought was, "will this conformity make or break my censorship?" I soon learned that I was able to be uncensored as the need to be strong, dilligent, resourceful, and sometimes mean in order to make it through. Hiding within wasn't going to bode well and I channeled all my inner containment out into a formidable trainee. I spoke up, maintained strong ethic/convictions, and ensured that my I was both seen and heard. I became a leader and was put in charge of my peers. This further promoted my desire to remain uncensored and it worked well. I garnered the respect I worked for and my voice was sought in many ways.

Upon returning home, I maintained a very strong disposition and worked that summer (88) in an in resident college educational program. It was a great environment for me to grow as a leader and use my voice to guide and teach incoming freshmen. I did that for the remainder of that school year and the next summer. Ironically, as much as being uncensored served me well, it failed me miserably in my actual personal life. I got into a relationship with someone who was a couple years younger than me, less secure in themselves, not a college student, and in some ways a little possessive. This caused me to stop being so vocal, strong willed, and I became what he wanted me to be. This relationship almost led to marriage, but his infidelity precluded that from ever happening.

In the years that succeeded that point, I had a had a child, graduated from college, maintained living on my own, and entered the world of extreme censorship. I hid in more ways than one and slowly and systematically broke down. The turning point came when my personal Pandora's box opened; forcing me to deal with some very hard and painful memories that until then, I'd keep carefully tucked away. I sought professional help and released what I thought was everything; not so! I survived for a little while, thinking that I'd opened up enough and would make it though. I was once again put back into my box and censoring became my revolving door best friend for many, many years.

Fast forward to 2006...I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd been married; divorced; entered a relationship, that while good wasn't really good for either one of us as we'd both jumped from the fires into the flame of our previous relationship without the benefit of healing in between. We had some good times, but ultimately we couldn't stay together. I decided to work on myself. I stopped being sexual and entered celibacy. I began to deal with ALL of my issues and one by one I began to overcome them. I was brutally honest with myself, my past, and worked on forgiving myself and those who'd hurt me over the years. I reconciled feelings that had laid dormant, I challenged myself to be the woman I knew I should be all the time, and relied on my faith to guide me through. During that time, I incurred a major health issue of which I got through with the love/support of close friends and family, and I think it was that experience that truly showed my resiliency and my desire to no longer allow myself to be censored. I realized then more than ever that I had a voice and had to use it. I refused to allow myself to be what others wanted me to be and be who I was supposed to be.

Uncensorship is a good and bad thing for me as I often speak exactly what's on my mind. I don't do it to be hurtful or malicious, I just speak in the situation as I see it. If I've offended, I'm willing to explain and when necessary apologize; as I'm not too big to be corrected. Uncensorship allows me to live with positive energy, to not hurt/compromise myself, and be open to all the wonders/possibilities/opporunties that surround me. Uncensorship allows me to live out loud and outside of the box. Coloring outside of the lines can be just as pretty and equally creative. And that's how I see myself; a beautiful, perfectly imperfect creation of God's goodness. He's given me a voice and I'll use it. He's extended His grace and mercy upon me and I plan to show my appreciation for it by living a good life. I will not allow myself to be pigeon-holed, beat down, put down, or filled with angst/drama/baggage. I am a free and wonderful woman who loves to live and lives to love. I can and will be all that I am intended to me.

Have a blessed one.

Love to live; live to love!

PSA - Stop playing yourself!

2009-03-30T16:42:00.003-04:00

So, I'm in a convo with one of my boys and he tells me about an incident with a chic and now she's acting all d*ck sprung. First, let me say, my boy's actions are not and were not condoned by me as I'm not one to promote cheating, but it was a one time affair and after cussing him out and punching him a time or two (wanted to Chris.Brown him), but I forgave him.

Story #1...Chic tells my boy that she wants to be with him. Not just in the bed, but in general. She cited that he was good and they did things that her Boyfriend hasn't done, and now she's got the desire to want to be with him. I go into immediate ballistic mode and am all kinds of ticked off. It's bad enough they both cheated on their S.Os, but chic has the presense of mind to think that justifies them both leaving their S.Os to take up with each other. HUH? Really? Chic knows little about my boys personality, habits, pros/cons, but she's wants to be with him. My anger increases.

We continue to talk and I tell him my slew of reasons why this scenerio is so wrong.

1) Given that their interaction was nothing more than a jump off, how is that breeding grounds for a permanent or stable relationsip?

2) If her dude isn't breaking her off right, then she needs to talk to him about it and find ways to improve their sex life and not run out there to get it from someone else

3) What makes her think she's got something or is doing something his girl isn't or hasn't?

4) She needs to exact a little self-respect and not think that she's all that because they had good sex. Good sex doesn't make anyone a good partner in other areas.

5) How would she feel if her dude did what she did and is throwing himself at some other chic?

6) How can she think that he'd have any grounds to trust her or properly respect her if she slept with him while she has a man and is now basically begging for the d*ck?

7) Does she think this is proper etiquette for a women nearing 30 to have?

Now, keep in mind that I'm not siding with my boy as he's doing his damndest to keep chic at bay, and was dead wrong for what he did; but he's not going to leave his girl for the jump off and knows she's not what he's looking for in a girlfriend anyway.

This is the kind of behavior that screams desperation, insecurity, immaturity, and stupidty. What woman in her right mind conducts herself like this and thinks that a man is going to find that attractive? I'm sure there are actually plenty, but speaking for my secure and mature sisters, we ain't getting down like that. This girl is setting herself up to get laid and played and nothing more if this was how my boy wanted to do her; or any other man for that matter. Fortunately, he's not inclined to treat women like that and is trying to distance himself from chic, but she sure isn't making it easy.

Story #2
This girl is also d*ck sprung and while she's been told on numerous occasions that what they had is over, she's still trying to find ways to get back in. Homegirl found a way to initiate conversation with my boy and as I forewarned him she would, is now trying to get him in bed. Fortunately, they don't reside in the same state, but she's the kind that would travel for the d*ck. Now, I'm not knocking a sister from seeking out what's good, but he's NOT hers; he's NOT single, and he DOESN'T want her, so why can't she get this through her head? I've had some good d*ck in my day that had me crossing state lines at a moments notice, but I sure as hell didn't beg or play myself for it. I've had low self-esteem, but never no/low self-respect.

Homegirl tried to flip the situation and make it seem like he was a punk or whatever for not responding the way she'd hoped he would, but that's her dumb ass fault for playing herself. She knows he has a girl and doesn't plan on leaving her.

Women, I've got to say this...PLEASE STOP PLAYING YOURSELVES!!!! You know who you are, you know you're doing it, and you need to stop. Find your self-esteem, self-respect, and stop reducing yourselves to the sum of your parts. No, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get yours and hell, I'm all for a woman exercising her right to be sexually fulfilled, but stop doing it with someone else's man. Stop begging for the d*ck or playing yourself out for it as you'll be the same women who'll send out inivitation to your Male Bashing Party and wait for other women like you to R.S.V.P so you can cry the blues and get drunk off your Haterade.

Contrary to what you might have heard, men don't really find this practice attractive or favorable. You are seen for and treated as the desperate women that you are. Granted, he might treat you well for the moment or whatever he does, but trust me; cause my boys done told me, that they really aren't into you like that. They're men and for the most part won't turn down some p*ssy. They're gonna beat it up, freak you out, and do whatever tricks you allow them to do (their words; not mine) because you let them and they're not leaving their girls for you. You'll become the subject of conversation where you're talked about with such distain that you'd hide yourself in a closet for days after hearing; just like my boy and I did.

Now, I'm not sitting on a morality pedastal and thinking I'm holier than thou because that's certainly not the case. I'm speaking on a situation that needs to be spoken about. I'm exercising the voice that some women need to hear. I think it's important for us as women to recognize and value our worth. Men will treat you the way you allow them to. I repeat, MEN WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM TO. If you set the precedence of f*cking a men without really knowing anything about him, then you've set the stage for how you'll be treated. Here and there, there are exceptions to the rule; however, those are some rare occassions.

Men, I know you're gonna rarely turn down the opportunity for a quick roll, but think about the after effects of what you're doing. Consider that chic might go loco on you, key your car, call your crib or even show up to do damage to your relationship. She could do any number of crazy things because she's now a woman scorned, hurt, and rejected. Trust me, I know you know it's not worth it, so man up and do the hard thing; which more often than not is actually the right thing; and turn her down. Don't allow yourself to become the sum of your parts. There's no sex worth that much drama over.

Women, as I said before, please stop treating yourself with little or no respect and expect to get respect/ed. Yes, by all means get your sex on, but don't play yourself for it. Stop sleeping with someone else's man. Value yourself enough to be more than a hit and run.

PSA over...

love to live; live to love!

wrong in every way

2009-03-26T16:21:00.003-04:00

I was over at Yazmar's spot; saw this pic, and was instantly mad as hell. This is the reason why we have some much inappropriate sexual behaviour in our community. Grown ass women acting a damn monkey with little boys. Whoever took this pic is just as bad as the stank thang in the pic. The little boy is all on his little tippy-toes trying to hump that a butt that's bigger than he is. This is so wrong and we need to stop thinking this is cute and appropriate.

I wish I would find some chic all up on one of my nephews and see if I don't slap the taste out her mouth without even hestitating. There is no way anyone can justify this as right.

Ugh....

Love to live; live to love!

Paying it Forward Giveaway

2009-03-19T10:41:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Believer who got this from Tanyetta for this inspiring post.

Giving a portion of my blessing is something I'm always willing to do.

The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive a gift from me during this year. Knowing me you'll get it shortly because I hate pending lists and besides I'm sure you'll be anxious to see what I'll send you.

The prize is a surprise and will be mailed anywhere in the United Sates.

You must post this same thing (Paying it Forward Giveaway) on your own blog and then come back and leave a comment telling me you're in, along with a link.

Remember, only the first 3 comments participating in the Pay It Forward Giveaway will receive a gift. Thanks to Tanyetta for posting this.

Remember, no tag backs!

Recap of the Rules:
1. Leave a comment with the link to your Pay It Forward Giveaway post.
2. Be willing to follow through on sending out one prize to 3 lucky winners of your contest.
3. Make sure your profile has contact information available. Otherwise, spell out your email address in the comment section.

Good luck to whomever responds to this. If you're not one of the lucky top 3, don't feel slighted as I'm likely to do this again a couple times a year, or I'll dedicate a post entirely to you.

Love to live; live to love!

wordless wednesday - caption this pic...

2009-03-18T09:44:00.004-04:00

I didn't know what to post about today, so in keeping with my inability to talk about anything, I figured I'd post a pic and let you caption it. Have fun!

Purpose Driven

2009-03-17T11:14:00.002-04:00

It’s always been a dream of mine to help women of any age over come the effects of abuse in any form. As one who’s overcome sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, I feel strongly that I am a testament to others that they, too, can overcome those things in their lives.

Back in January, I spoke with a neighbor who’s setting up a Women’s Ministry that will help women in various stages of abuse get help and I told her I want to participate. To date, I haven’t been a part of her ministry, but know that I will.

This past Sunday, I was invited to attend a church service which was devoted to Women’s Ministry and I was blessed to receive an amazing sermon delivered by my friend and mentor. I was almost moved tears as she so eloquently and powerfully delivered The Word. After the service, I waited to speak with her while she spoke with a young lady who was apparently going through some things. Now, I’m not one to just start speaking to people I don’t know; much less “minister” to them, but the Lord moved me to speak with her and boy was I blessed with some words of comfort, support, and inspiration to this young lady. The words just flowed like water from my mouth and I could see that she was receiving them in spite of her circumstance. Her mother listened in and thanked me for speaking with her daughter. Two other women heard me speaking and they asked how they too could begin the healing process in their lives. I spoke to them with limited information as to their respective issues and each woman thanked me for my words of direction, inspiration, and support.

As I sat with my friend after the service as we waited for lunch, the Pastor’s wife began speaking to me and said that I have a good spirit and thanked me for speaking with the women. I told her, it was my pleasure and all I wanted to do was show them that they could overcome their circumstances if they believed in themselves and began their healing process with forgiveness of themselves. After about an hour of conversation with my elders, I left for home nourished and fulfilled with the word of the Lord and the joy of knowing that I made a difference; even a small one.

Come Monday, my friend informed me that the women of her church were more than impressed with me and would like me to come back to the church and do a workshop or some other form of instruction for women. Naturally, I was stunned, but ever so grateful for having been in the right place at the right time. I told my friend, I would do whatever they asked of me as I would be doing the Lords work and also fulfilling a dream I’ve had for a long time. She also told me that the young lady's countenance was completely changed after my speaking to her and she even mentioned it during her welcoming speech for the afternoon service. My last visual of the young lady was a sad face, with tear stained eyes, but to hear that she was smiling and exuding positive and good energy that brought amazing joy to my heart.

We live in a world where love often takes a back seat to the hurt, pain, suffering, etc., which occurs all too frequently. I know from personal experience the damage this infliction can do to a person’s spirit and if I can touch even just one life, I know that the purpose of my suffering was not for naught. Everything we go through is a learning lesson good or bad and while what I endured was particularly painful and damaging, I made it through to the other side and it’s made me the woman I am today; a woman I love and celebrate.

As I perused my bookshelf last night, I found many a book that I can and will use to create a lesson plan for a workshop I will hold. I know it’s His will that I do this and look forward to the many tears and joys that will come of this sharing. We all have a gift that we can give or share to another and I hope that each and everyone of us takes the time to find it (if you haven’t already) and use it purposefully.

I wish I could remember where I found this quote, but it speaks to the direction in which we need to live our lives: “My purpose shall stand, and I will fulfill my intention”.

Have a truly; truly blessed day y’all.

Love to live; live to love!

Wild, wacky, wierd, wonderful, Wednesday

2009-03-11T09:57:00.002-04:00

These are the W's for my Wednesday...

Wonderful
Woke up this morning and am blessed to see a new day (praise Him)
I'm going to a basketball game tonight with New, Old Friend (who'll henceforth be renamed NOF)
I'll have a much needed deposit into my account on Friday (thank you Jesus)
Grampy (who'll henceforth be renamed as Dreadz) may be back in NY within the next couple weeks (yay!)
I'm supposed to have a Blogger meet up this month (very cool)

Wierd
I'm having cravings for a buffet of the following foods: Thai, Indian, Jamaican, and home country favourite; Fish n chips! (yummy)
Mr. Toolbelt keeps coming to mind (yikes)

Wacky
I'm in a really nutty mood
I'm probably going to put someone on blast today
I've been on Facebook "stalking"

Wild
Might get "cozy" with NOF

I want to go to a Dancehall party (reggae music)
I look really cute today in my black knee high boots, black above the knee, mock turtleneck/sleeveless dress, with gray/black suit jacket
There's a reggae song called Romping Shop by Vybz Kartel ft. Spice which is uses the Ms. Independent (Ne-Yo) track and it's H-O-T!!! There is a clean and raw version both on YouTube.

Love to live; live to love!

Open Letter...Thanks!

2009-03-10T13:34:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I was txting with New, Old Friend and he said something that really touched my heart. He said, "I like the way you mother ur baby". Wow! Those few simple words touched my heart because we've only been back in touch for a couple of months now, but he can see/hear that in me when it comes to Lil Lady. He once commented that he likes how we talk to each other when he heard us on the phone, but this means so much more than that. To me, it shows that he's really paying attention and he knows how much my being a mother to her means to me. He doesn't try to continue a conversation with me if he knows we're together and says, spend your time with her and we'll talk later. That level of care and respect is important and shows compassion and maturity on his part. Even though Lil Lady is almost 17, she's still my baby and I put my all into her and the time we spend together. He's been good about not asking to see me when she's on my dime and doesn't mind waiting until she's with her dad to get some time in with me.

So, thanks New, Old Friend for being the kind, sensitive, and understanding person you are. It means so much that you respect my position as a parent as well as apreciating me as a woman.

Love to live; live to love!