on being and doing me

I was over my Soul Sister's house Mizrepresent and she had a post (Dueces) about finding/loving herself and it inspired this post.

Since my first relationship at 16, I realized that I was willing to sacrifice, compromise, and give more than I was able to receive in return. Given that I had a very dysfunctional view of what relationships were about thanks to my mum and stepdad; and dad and his several women; now current 4th wife whom I love, I can't fault myself for my misgivings and misunderstandings.

I became a serial monogamist and spent a good portion of my life in one long-term relationship after another. I stuck out relationships that I knew were unhealthy or destined to fail because that was my lesson learned and thought so little of my own emotional happiness. And given that I couldn't really talk to either of my parents about relationships, everything was a trial and error for me.

At some point in my life, I got sick and tired of all the bs and drama that I decided I needed to withdraw and give something back to myself. I took some much needed time out, worked on myself, and made a decision to want more for myself. That process lasted a little while and I was truly happy for and with myself; well, that lasted as long as I remained single. I once again got into a relationship that had its share of problems and given that I was only as good as I was single; began the toxic cycle.

Between the age of 24 and 38, I was in and out of relationships, love, heartbreak; and added more and more emotional scars to my existing repetoire. It wasn't until Oct of 2006 that I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and took control and stock of my life and emotional well-being.

I entered into a celibate period in my life where I refused to date anyone but myself. I refused to allow myself to be controlled or manipulated into something that wasn't in my best interest. I sought professional help, pastoral assistance, read, prayed, and made a commitment to close the doors of past hurts and create the proverbial clean slate.

I shared my innermost thoughts with only those who I knew would be able to speak to me on a foundation of love and with purpose and intent. I knew and accepted that I would be told things that I didn't want to hear, but knew that the words were being said for my own good. I purged myself from negative thoughts, practices, and toxicity. I began to regard myself as a priority, someone worthy of being loved, and most importantly be able to love/accept/embrace myself for the whole woman I was becoming and currently am. It was no easy fete as learned behaviour is hard to unlearn, but that commitment was made with the intent of being carried out and I continued to grow and mature as each day passed.

In time and with patience, I finally reached my destination and I am who I am now. I know what I do and don't want; what I will and won't do or accept; and I do not allow others to define me or turn me into what they want me to be. I give freely, am fiercely loyal, and am harmless unless provoked; the latter being something that lends favor to the fact that I don't do bullsh*t and drama.

I live and love by some definitive rules and practices and they are deeply rooted in positivity, trust, respect, and communication. I am honest; sometimes to a fault as well as uncensored and candid. I will not sugar coat ish and call it candy just to appease someone. I've spent too much of my life doing this for fear of hurting someone else's feelings while hurting myself in the process. This is a practice that is unacceptable and is not tolerated. While I will not be mean or hurtful, I will speak with truth and explanation as to why I feel how I do. We can very well ultimately agree to disagree, but I will not allow my personal, social, and emotional integrity to be compromised.

One of these days, I'll be ready for a monogamous relationship again, but until then, I'm happily single by choice and when I do date it's because it's what I want to do and with whom I want to share my time with. Our status and intent for social time is clearly defined so no party can say they didn't know. I play know games where I'm not aware of the rules; relationships included. If we're going to be Friends; then that's what we'll be or if we're going to be Friends with Benefits; then that needs to be clearly defined. On-going communication is essential to our progression at any level as it serves as the cornerstone for understanding and growth.

So, as I approach my next new year in September, I am spending some time in review of my expiring year and seeing where I've grown, where I need work, and setting goals/projections of where I see myself next year. It's important for me to always climb the ladder of emotional success in order to be the best person I can be. Being completely and totally happy with myself is not optional; neither is fully loving the woman I am. I've come a long way from the self-esteem compromised girl who allowed herself and relationships circumstances to be a negative factor in her life. I'm a mature, secure, confident, aware, and most importantly whole being. The fractured pieces have finally come together and the view from my eyes is a clear one. Being jaded and disillusioned no longer exists.

Thanks to my Soul Sister for being my muse and giving me an ever growing awareness of self.


Love to live; live to love!

bittersweet

It's almost the two year anniversary of finding out I had breast cancer. I'm extremely happy, grateful, and blessed to have come out on the other side with my life and health; however, it doesn't stop me from feeling a little sad. It was a devastating blow to my life and health and something that I was ill-prepared for given that I was deemed to be in excellent health.

Life is truly a blessing and something that should not be taken for granted. None of us are promised another day and we must give thanks and praise daily for being here. Put time and energy into taking care of yourselves as you would the cars you drive. Love those in your life unconditionally. Forgive and forget; it's easier said than done I know, but better in the long run. Open your heart to receive love and all the blessings set before you. Find the joys in the small things. Seek the positive in any negative; this experience gave me my mother back, so there's hope out there. Most of all make every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year count.

In closing, I must implore each of you to be a part of my mantra...LOVE TO LIVE; LIVE TO LOVE...you'll one day thank me for those words.

Lyrical Quotes...

Songs have a way of saying the things we may be thinking/feeling, but don't know how to convey, so I've gathered some choice lyrics from some of my favourite songs...

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”…
All at Once - The Fray

“Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you’re not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn’t right then move on
Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better baby on your own”
Express Yourself – Madonna

“I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me…Express yourself don’t repress yourself…”
Human Nature – Madonna

“You don’t know somebody’s aching
Keeping it all in
Somebody won’t let got of his heart
But the truth is
It’s painless
Letting your love show”
Love Show – Skye Edwards

“You found me such a mess
And still you took my hand
And helped me out of numbness
Became my true strength
I'd been running looking for a home
And when you saw me out of breath
From running on my own
Is when you kissed me out of death
Now that I'm recovering
I'm so glad for one thing only
I'm so so glad I let you in…”
Back to Live – Corneille

“Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard”
Kindly Unspoken – Kate Voegele

Let me begin by saying what I mean
It's a crime against the heart you know
To be somewhere in between
I Won’t Disagree – Kate Voegele

“It took stumbling, it took falling,
it took distance, it took time,
it took a lot of getting lost to realize...
I was already home, right where I was supposed to be
You were right in front of me
I was not alone…”
Already Home – Ha-Ash

“Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not”
The Show – Lenka

“I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
A worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame”
Worrisome Heart – Melody Gardot

What heartache feels like…

I received a txt from my cuz this morning, which left me completely gobsmacked. I replied and asked her to call me as soon as she was able, which she did. She detailed the meaning of her txt and I was hurt and shocked right along with her. As a result some of the following came to mind:

Knowing the truth and it not set you free

The sudden cold on an otherwise sunny day

Having your period while wearing white pants

The fly that lands in your ice cream sundae

Being sucker punched by someone you know couldn't really kick your ass

Tripping and falling while making a grand entrance

Seeing something you've wanted for a long time finally go on sale and not have the money to get it

Entering and winning a contest and then not being able to call in and claim it

Showing up just a moment too late/too soon

We've all been through some heartache; what's your analogy for it?

Love to live; live to love!

mind dumping...another installment

I had two incidents this week where my coworkers almost were the cause for these statements, "you have the right to remain silent...", "watch your head ma'am", and "your Honor, what had happened was..." Coworker #1 pushed all the wrong buttons and had me visualizing myself cutting his aorta. I really wish people would learn to leave well enough alone and stop thinking they're more funny than they really are. Coworker #2 was so completely rude, disrespectful, and unprofessional to our manager that I had to call on Him to give me the right words to diffuse the situation. Our manager is one of the sweetest, nicest, and caring people I've ever worked for and his conduct toward her left much to be desired. I was glad when the Lord blessed me with some stern words to exact with professional integrity and prevent him from continuing his more than unnecessary tirade.

The Toolbelt called me a couple of days ago telling me he had a hard on with my name on it...WHAT? REALLY? Uhm, no! He broke so many Man Laws that he should go back to Gender Specific and Appropriate Codes of Conduct for Trying to Get the Ass 101. Needless to say, he got shot down with a verbal AK-47.

"My purpose will stand, and I will fulfill my intention" are words I live by and my purpose is truly manifesting itself. It's God's desire that I utilize my past hurts and growth process to aid other women and I've been given the right words at the right time to encourage others to live their authentic selves and seek that which is right for them as that level of selfishness is mandatory. In addition to providing women with the enrichment they need, I've been in a position to help a male friend through some trials he's facing. I'm happy that I've been able to be a truly good friend and not a crutch.

My friendship with BZ is flourishing and I'm happy that I trusted my gut from the very beginning with her. I'm looking forward to my trip to Boston this summer.

There is a lesson to be learned in every negative experience and most often it's the Lord working in His "mysterious way" to teach us something and put us on the path that leads to understanding and happiness.

Lil Lady says it's not fair that I get two occasions where I'm celebrated because I get Mother's Day and my birthday. I told her that she gets everyday because as long as I'm alive and able, I'm going to be thankful for her and celebrate her presence in my life. She liked that!

Speaking of Lil Lady, she continues to impress and astound me. She's maintaining her position on the High Honor Roll and has a 95.65 GPA. She's an all-around good girl and I'm so blessed to have a open, honest, mutually respectful relationship with her.

I so absolutely love the woman I have come to be and praise God for extending His favor, grace, and mercy upon me. My trials have truly become my triumpths and my faith remains strong and directed. That which did or didn't break me; still made me stronger and wow, what a great feeling that is.

I've got a confession of sorts..."Hi, my name is Blu Jewel and I think I'm becoming a Facebook fiend!" There I said it. Hawa said it would happen, but I was in denial; how I'm facing the truth.

Terry had shut down the Cheap Seats, which caused a major uproar in the Bloggersphere and was shown that he needed to rethink his decision. If you're not already familiar with him, I suggest you check him out; he's worth the read.

I love that I still get that "anxious" feeling when I see or anticipate seeing Achilles Heel even after all these years.

Live life and live it well so that when you're older you get to live again through the memories. Money and material things are good, but not a true measure of how well you've lived.

Well, folks that's all from me today. I wish you a wonderful day, an abundance of blessings, and a heaping of love and happiness.

Love to live; live to love!

The right words...

I had no idea what to post about today; well, that's not entirely true, I had an idea, but after reading the following; it too precendence:

We need to come to the place where we are secure enough in who we are in Christ that we will not allow our sense of worth to be based on the opinions or actions of others.

Don't try to find your worth in how you look. Don't try to find your worth in what you do. Don't try to find your worth in how other people treat you. You are worth something because Jesus shed His blood for you.

You may have faults, and there may be things about you that need to be changed, but God is working on you the same as He is on everybody else. Don't let somebody else dump their problems off on you. Don't allow someone else to make you feel worthless or useless just because they don't know how to treat you right and love you as you deserve to be loved as a blood-bought child of God.

Don't spend all your life trying to win somebody else's acceptance or approval. Remember that you have already been accepted and approved by God. Make sure that your affirmation, your validation, your sense of self-worth come from Him. Remember that you have already been accepted and approved by God. Make sure that your affirmation, your validation, your sense of self-worth come from Him.

I'm in an on-going conversation with a dear friend who's struggling with his reflection of himself and who he is in relationships and I think this speaks well to what he's going through. I will be sending this to him.

This is an awesome message and one that we all need to heed.

Love to live; live to love!

Health Awareness

As many of you know I'm a breast cancer survivor and a health awareness advocate. I insist that you all check out the following links:

IBC Symptoms
Breast Cancer Diagnosis NBC Chicago
Photos of what IBC looks like

Many women aren't aware of another form of Breast Cancer called Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) as it's not typically detected through self breast exams, mammograms, or the usual means of discovery. It's a highly aggressive form of cancer and by the time it's detected, it's often in the late stages.

I implore the women to be aware of their bodies and any changes it might go through. Please do not overlook what may be a seemingly benign change in your breasts. Please be insistent with your doctors and other health care professionals to not dismiss you or your symptoms.

Men, please take notice of any changes the women in your lives might be going through and identify anything that seems out of the ordinary to you. In addition, advise your women to monitor and maintain their health and please do the same for yourselves.

Love to live; live to love!