preferences, comfort zones, and other like miscellany

We all have an image of what we want in the opposite sex.  We like them in various sizes, colours, shapes, and things that make us tick, but how much of it really exists in the gran'd scheme of things?  So many of us have a Criteria List and that therein lies the problem.  No, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have one; in fact I think we should as we all have standards in which we live by.  what I am saying; however, is that we shouldn't let them be the absolute factor in whether or not someone is a good match for us.

My preference is a black man who's complexion is as dark as mine or darker.  I'd like him to be at least 5' 10" seeing as i wear 3+ inch heeled shoes almost all the time.  I'd like his weight to be between 170 - 210lbs depending on his height.  A college education is not a requirement, but I'd like him to have an ability to speak with clear articulation/enunciation.  I have an affinity for men in Law Enforcement or the military over civilians. I'd like him to be socially aware, possess the ability to take control and make decision, have good family values, be secure in his own skin, and self-sustaining and ambitious in terms of fulfilling his goals.  These are some, yet not all of the things I'd like in a man, but truth be told, my getting them all would be like me sitting in a lab to create him as he is for the most part a figment of my imagination.  Yes, I want these things, but actually getting them is something I'm actually afraid of.  Why?  Because then I have nothing to look forward to.  There would be no growth process between us in the ways that it counts.  When we get what we want, we tend to not fully appreciate it as we should and in the end we sometimes find ourselves now looking for flaws instead of the things we thought we wanted in the first place.

In my current 'relationship', he is almost the polar opposite of my criteria list.  He's white, he's 10 yrs my junior, he's talented; though does not use his talents to pursue his ambitions and he's certainly not a good decision maker.  While he meets the height requirement, he does not have the weight/brawn that i like, but he is strong.

The point I'm trying to make is that even with the likes/dislikes and the things that are/aren't on my Criteria List, he and I get along very well.  We engage in some amazing conversations, we share an unusual sense of humour, our time together is well balanced, and even when we disagree, it's done with decency.  Truth be told, I'm happy that he doesn't meet many of the items on my list.  I enjoy the differences we share and how we've been able to find a good meeting place in the middle.  i find his quirkiness rather endearing and most of all, I just like him for who he is. 

I once came across the words, "I love you just the way you are; now change". It was a startling reminder of what I went through with my ex husband and how it cause so much hurt/pain in my life as I myself working to live up to the phrase.  Every now and then it resonates in my life when I'm tempted to pull my Criteria List out and feel inclined to stack the chips against it and someone I like.  I recall that unrealistic expectation, that hurt, the inability to live by someone else's image of  whom I should be.  Even though I've never intentionally wanted to hold someone by a standard, I'm sure I have in some way and for that I apologize.  But what I do know is that I can and do fully appreciate not being confined to a comfort zone.  I do still have preferences, but do not let them prohibit me from getting to know someone who's not necessarily what I think I'm looking for.  Just as I want to be accepted for who I am, I must accept others for who they are and together we just might be everything we've ever wanted.

It's all possible!

Open Letter #2 - Moved on!

I actually wrote this letter in early December when I was finally transitioning out of emotional bondage into the well-deserved emotional freedom I have now. After another recent epiphany, I decided to post it. I'd previously shared it with a couple of my near and dear girls, whom immediately encouraged me to send it to The Him, but I said it wasn't really written with the intent to send it; moreso just to purge my thoughts/feelings. Well, it's a new day; a new year; a new decade; and most of all; a better me, so I'm now fully releasing this into the universe as I continue to pray that The New Him will be mine instead.

First let me preface this by saying that I am in no way bitter, angry, or any negative emotion one can think of. In fact, I’m completely lucid, emotionally liberated, and happy; very happy. Furthermore, none of this is said to hurt, insult or offend, but merely to express some things that were not previously said.

My moment of sublime emotional clarity came when I realized that while I’m the gold at the end of the rainbow, you are simply not ready for receiving what 1) has always been yours and 2) that you’re afraid to be rich with all the emotional rewards that come with being with a woman like me. Yes, I realize I sound extremely arrogant right now, but I can honestly say that I’ve very much earned that right. I’ve worked hard to be a women of amazing character; whole, sustained; and one capable of being loved fully; wholly; and loyally. I’m the woman that you bring home to your mother and say, “she’s The One!” Additionally, I’m the woman who loves her man for and in spite of his flaws who’ll not try to change him into what I want or think he should be. If I fell in love with him, then I’ve fallen in love with every piece of him good or bad.

I’m the woman who knows she’s his missing rib to make both he and her whole, but is secure enough in herself to still be able to function without him while; all the while still providing the necessary balance in his life.

Women like me will seek her continued growth, asks her man to inspire and encourage her, as she takes her many and varied walks in life. I’m the woman who’ll love and accept you at your worst and be your biggest cheerleader when you’re at your best. I’m that woman who knows that being her mans friend and partner is far more important than being his lover. She knows that there’ll be times when she will not like her man, but will love him no matter what and will use his deficits as ways to find the root problem and work toward healing and growth instead of condemning and emasculating him.

I will respect his time and space and know that just because he wants to be alone doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with me in favor of something or someone else. I will know that he needs to have his own escapes and things he enjoys without me. I will support and encourage that and know that the times when we’re together and doing things as a couple is equally important to him and us.

I’m the woman who knows she doesn’t have to compete or feel insecure because I’m secure in myself and trust that he’s with me because that’s what he wants and where he wants to be. My man will not have to fight to maintain us because we’ll have built our relationship on firm and solid ground. We’ll have built a foundation on friendship, on trust, on mutual respect, and honest communication. I’m the woman who knows when to be silent and when/how to listen.

As I said before, any man who gets me has gotten a woman who God has cleansed and made whole. He’ll find his rightful partner and will honor and cherish me as his friend, his partner, and his Queen. He’ll know without a doubt that he’s made the right choice and will do nothing to inflict harm in any form to me.

My life’s experiences have shown me that in order to have the man and the love I deserve I cannot and will not allow myself to settle for first place second. I must always seek to be first and wear the crown. I must not allow myself to be deluded, mistreated, or left feeling unworthy. If I can’t be where I know I’m supposed to be, then it’s best that I not be involved with any man until he knows and appreciates a woman’s worth.

Any woman who knows her worth will not need to resort to drastic measures in order to secure a man or his affections. She will simply walk tall with her head held high and know that God didn’t make her to be used or abused. She’ll know that she is a temple and that her hallowed walls are sacred and are only to be shared with a man who’ll know not to defile her, but worship her and cherish his opportunity to have been afforded such a bestowed privilege.

I am this woman. I am the all the woman I have spoken of and I shall never be anything less than that.

Of your own choosing you walked away from the very thing you want most in the world and I didn’t stop you because I know I didn’t need to. Your decision wasn’t born of a need to stop running and fight; instead of your own fear of losing a good thing. Your fear is that I’ll somehow change and you’ll not only lose the love that’s been there for you and with you without ever asking anything of you. Furthermore, you seem more content in knowing that you’ll always have that safe place to go to when your world falls apart, as it always seems to do, which is really foolish if you’re honest enough to think about it because if you put me in my rightful place in your life, you’d know that your fear is unwarranted.

I am the woman who knows you as you know yourself and in some ways moreso. I’m the woman whom you trust implicitly and knows will never do anything to cause conflict in your life. All the things you’ve ever wanted in a woman are here with me and yet you once again chose another. I’m beyond confused how you can quantify that, but that’s your call. You can’t say you’re going to fight for something when you’ve had something right in front of you that you never had to fight for because it was yours to begin with. I’ve learned you somehow enjoy the turmoil and act of the fight. Fighting is indicative of their being an underlying problem and you have to resort to great means to make things work. Philosophy dictates if you have to fight that hard, then it’s not working. I know my God does not want us to suffer and I know He wants us to love and be loved the right way. He makes changes in our lives for a reason; however, we tend to think we know better and in contradicting Him, we find ourselves caught up and caught out there.

Well, my dear, I live my life knowing that I’m worthy in so many ways. I live knowing that I don’t need to invest where there is no yield. I can’t and won’t live in a manner that’s not conducive to my life’s goals and desires and expect a different result. So, it’s with that thought that I can say all of what I’ve said. I can proudly say I AM THAT WOMAN! I’m God’s blessed and divine creation and He’ll not have me in a situation I shouldn’t be in.

He brought you back in my life to teach me the lesson of forgiveness, love, and friendship and I can honestly say that I’ve passed with honors. My shoulders bear no weight, my life is conflict free, and those I keep close are worthy of me as I am them. My life has endured some tough breaks, but it’s also given me plenty to live for and aspire to.

If it’s so ordained that you and I are to be more than friends, then that’s a venture I’m willing to take; maybe! However, in the mean time, I shall live life fully and happily. I will embrace each day and find the sun in spite of the rain. My life will be a series of opportunities more taken than missed as I refuse to settle in any form.

It's all possible!

My dime in the bucket

So, with the plethora of things going on in the news and world around me, I thought I'd voice my opinion on a few on them.

Issue #1
So, what is the deal with people who have Facebook pages, but don't have a profile pic? What kind of foolishness is that? I mean, it's call FACEbook for a reason, so one would assume that you should have your face up. Furthermore, why do people pic their childhood pix up or pix of their children. Can I tell you how much this pisses me off? I think it's frustrating, annoying, and senseless. If you don't want people to know what you look like NOW then you shouldn't have a damn FB page. Oh, another thing that I can't stand on FB are the people who put pix of themselves up when they were younger and/or more attractive. Don't they think at some point someone will want to do a face to face and then they'll be seen for who they are NOW? Ugh, the unnecessary practices people use for social networking.

Issue #2
No, Tiger Woods is not off limits either, but I'm going to come at it from a different angle. I think Elin knew that he was cheating, but played the doting wife/mother who would never think her husband would do anything like that. I think she is a sneaky little woman who played her hand and then when the proverbial hit the fan, she said, you know what, I've stuck around long enough to get a couple of crotch trophies out the deal and enough money to by a multi-million house back in her native land before the ink is dry on divorce papers. In addition, I'm sure she and at least one of the mistresses were in cahoots to scam, embarrass and extort Tiger.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning what he did, because I think people should honour their vows regardless. I think he was dumb as duck shit and picked the wrong jump offs to mess with. Rule of thumb when you're married and you decide to cheat is that you cheat with someone who has as much as if not more to lose than you do. Granted, there aren't many women who are stacking paper like Tiger is; except Oprah, but dammit, these little stank ass hoes who are saving txts and emails? Really? These tricks knew what the hell they were doing and were just waiting for their day in the tabloids. It's tricks like these that give other Jump Offs a bad rap. I'd like to slap the taste out of all of their triflin asses.

I'm not proud to admit this, but back in my youth, messed with someone's husband, but I made sure I never got pregnant, knew, understood, and respected the rules of engagement, and I damn sure wouldn't put myself in the position where she could put me on blast or where I would use the situation to my gain. Yes, he was someone high profile.

Tiger picked the wrong women and his game of being a cheater were no match for his golf game. Nuff said; moving on.

Issue #3
What is with married men thinking it's their marital right to have affairs? I was propositioned by a married man and I turned him down. It was not only the right thing to do, but I've done the 1st place 2nd thing before and I'll be damned if I ever do that again. My self worth/respect rates a lot more than that position. I'm so sick of men thinking that because they heard there was a shortage of "good black men" that we black women will settle for being the Jump Off. Sadly, I can't fully fault the men for their diminished mindset because if women didn't settle for being 1st place 2nd, then the married men wouldn't have pause to pursue.

I'm also annoyed by the fact that they think they're even good men. How are you married, happily or otherwise, but nonetheless still married, a good guy when you're breaking your vows, compromising your home life and creeping around with another woman; or men in some cases?

Well, that's my Dime in the Bucket for the night.

Enjoy your holidays people and as always love to live; live to love!

happiness is...

...having a great spiritual foundation; unconditional faith, and a God who'll never let me down

...having some of the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for.

...having family that even when you're not together; you're together

...knowing that loving myself enough to not compromise my emotional integrity

...having a daughter who brings the ultimate joy to my life

...knowing that doing things with purpose and intent will serve me well

...allowing myself to live and live well

...knowing that the truth is always the best way to be and live

...taking a leap of faith could be the best move ever made

...not allowing negativity to be welcomed into my life or my home

...being strong enough to both love and to let go

...welcome the newness each day brings

...taking comfort knowing that there is still goodness in the world

...the musical statements that speak when my own words elude me

...being able to accept the body I live in doesn't have to be what society dictates

...being or getting hurt isn't always a bad thing because there was a lesson to be learned in spite of the pain

...taking chances is another way of spreading my winds

...life's journey is best enjoyed when you're able to take some detours

...appreciating, being grateful, being prayerful, loving, sharing and caring

...saying what you mean and meaning what you say

...hearing the word, but having the deed to punctuate

...knowing I can and do make a difference

...knowing to forgive and ask for forgiveness

...not being afraid to say, "I'm sorry"

Have a fantastic weekend. Love yourselves and share that love with all those who are important to you.

Love to live; live to love!

what i know for sure...

...hurt people; hurt people

...without communication there is NO honest/open/effectual dialog

...another CAN NOT make you whole; you gotta get there by yourself

...if you don't love yourself, you can't effectively love another

...stop believing in the fairy tale; not every relationship has a happy ending; create your own

...sex as a foundation for a relationship is like building a house on sand

...honor your gut feelings/intuition and stick by deal breakers

...know and adhere to your tolerance factor; stop making excuses for others behaviour

...compromising on some things is okay, but settling is not

...not only hear, but listen to what people are telling you; there's a valuable lesson in doing both

...accepting that which you know is wrong or unhealthy for you; sets the tone for how you're treated

...honor your mind AND body

...physical satisfaction is great, but temporary; total (mind/body/soul) satisfaction lasts longer

...loving someone and liking them are two different things; know the difference

...sex and intimacy are not one in the same; neither is sensuality and sexuality

...being single is NOT a bad thing

...being with someone just to say you are IS a bad thing

...carry yourself in the fashion you want to be treated and you will be treated accordingly

...watch both what people say and do; they're telling you something all the time

...if you allow yourself to be mistreated, you can't blame anyone else for it

...if he's not already taking care of the kids he has, do NOT have a child with him

...infidelity is not cool, but if you're gonna cheat BOTH parties need to use protection

...what goes on behind closed doors; stays behind closed doors

...if you chose to share your personal/private/intimate business, ensure the person you're sharing with is ABSOLUTELY and UNEQUIVACABLY trustworthy and you have dirt on them too (lol)

...respect and trust are earned and not to be treated or taken lightly

...playing the game and not knowing the rules or your position is not a good look

...confidence, maturity, and self-awareness is sexy

...bragging don't make it the truth; self-praise is not flattery

And those are my gems of wisdom for the day.

love to live; live to love

a quickie

Now, before you get all exicted; this isn't a TMI post; it's just a quick note to say I haven't forgotten about you or blogging. I've allowed myself to slip off the radar and I do need to get my mojo back, so I'm gonna do my best to be better about my post; it's not like I don't have a bunch of stuff to talk about anyway.

Blessings to all and stay up good people.

Love to live; live to love!

Lyrical Quotes...

Songs have a way of saying the things we may be thinking/feeling, but don't know how to convey, so I've gathered some choice lyrics from some of my favourite songs...

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”…
All at Once - The Fray

“Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you’re not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn’t right then move on
Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better baby on your own”
Express Yourself – Madonna

“I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me…Express yourself don’t repress yourself…”
Human Nature – Madonna

“You don’t know somebody’s aching
Keeping it all in
Somebody won’t let got of his heart
But the truth is
It’s painless
Letting your love show”
Love Show – Skye Edwards

“You found me such a mess
And still you took my hand
And helped me out of numbness
Became my true strength
I'd been running looking for a home
And when you saw me out of breath
From running on my own
Is when you kissed me out of death
Now that I'm recovering
I'm so glad for one thing only
I'm so so glad I let you in…”
Back to Live – Corneille

“Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard”
Kindly Unspoken – Kate Voegele

Let me begin by saying what I mean
It's a crime against the heart you know
To be somewhere in between
I Won’t Disagree – Kate Voegele

“It took stumbling, it took falling,
it took distance, it took time,
it took a lot of getting lost to realize...
I was already home, right where I was supposed to be
You were right in front of me
I was not alone…”
Already Home – Ha-Ash

“Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not”
The Show – Lenka

“I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
A worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame”
Worrisome Heart – Melody Gardot

Frankly, I don’t give a damn!!!

I came across a copy of US Weekly magazine; the one with Jake & Reese on the front and began perusing it as I ate my Cheerios. There was an article about Lindsay Lohan and her financial woes. I read it and chuckled as she complained about not having money, being unemployed “it’s scary being unemployed…”, and finding it hard to get work. Really? What about the everyday folk who weren’t making millions? How the heck do you think they feel? Well, if she hadn’t squandered her reputation whilin out and being promiscuous or her money on $1000k + Gucci bags and such, maybe she’d have a fighting chance of being employable and might have some money in the bank.

According to the article, she had to vacate her $10k a month, (yes, I said a month) spot because she couldn’t afford to keep up with the lease. Now she’s living with former girlfriend Samantha Ronson because she apparently doesn’t have anywhere else to live. In addition, she’s basically grasping at straws to get someone to hire her. “She’s delusional and takes zero responsibility. I can’t imagine anybody is going to take a chance on her”. That’s pretty damn sad. But again I say, when your social and financial behavior is erratic why should someone believe in you. Can you imagine going to your job drunk, high, inappropriately dressed, or acting a fool and they want to keep you around? Or when it’s time for your appraisal, they give you a favorable report? Absolutely not! So, if Ms. Lohan or those like her really think they deserve another chance, then she’ll have to earn it. Just like you or I, we have to be about it; not talk about it. Actions always speak louder than words.

Lindsay had it going on for a little while and I’ll give it to her that she was young, but that’s why you get proper guidance and rely on people who’ll tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. Even though she got into the biz young, it’s not like she didn’t know the trappings that could come with it. Yes, it must be really nice to walk into a store and spend $20k like it’s nothing, but no matter how wealthy one is; being fiscally responsible is always a good look. Having money saved and/or properly invested for a rainy day is definitely a good look.

I don’t feel bad for celebrities who are living their dream, being paid mad money for it, and then they toss it away living a life of partying and excess. I don’t care how much notoriety you have, you should never squander your earnings or reputation because when you fall, you might not be able to come back from it. Unlike you’re average Joe/Jane, they do not live a life that’s not without public scrutiny, so when you fall from grace, it’s like walking around with the scarlet letter on your chest and you’re now seen as a liability. No matter who you are, you should never forget where you came from or burn bridges because when the proverbial ish hits the fan, you might have to start again from ground zero, which is often much harder than the first go around.

So, I’ve said all that to say, I frankly don’t give a damn. I don’t care about Michael Vick with his dog drama. I don’t care about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, or any other celebrity who has squandered their lifes passion/dream on foolishness or doing foolish things. Why? Because there are so many of us who have the talent, but aren’t in the fortunate position to have it recognized or paid for. It’s the average Joe/Jane that so often do more with the little they have, than those who have money/position/notoriety. The average Joe/Jane is the backbone of this society and should be lauded for it. If I had my way, I’d create a magazine called The Average Joe/Jane, which chronicled stories of everyday people who’ve overcome great trials, who help others, or make a difference in their communities. It’s those people the damn paparazzi should be following and not these celebrities who can’t get right.

Well, that’s my rank for the day…Have a great one people!


Love to live; live to love!

what i've learned so far...

Love is one of the single most important emotions there is

Friendships can be sustained even if the intimate relationship fails

Real frienships can endure time and distance

An ounce of positivity can outweigh a pound of negativity

The failures we endure are becaues we were too afraid to 1) speak up, 2) try or 3) have faith

Just because someone wronged us, doesn't mean we should carry that weight. Forgive them, forgive yourself, and move on

A kind word, a listening ear, and an open heart can make the difference between life and death

A leap of faith can be the biggest step you ever take

Open and honest communication is the true key to any successful relationship

Trust, respect, and communication are the key building blocks to any relationship (intimate or platonic)

When you mess up, own up to it, it builds character, respect, and ones ability to be human

Understanding and healing your past provides a better future

Blessings come in many forms, make sure you take the time to notice them

Trials are the cornerstone of triumpths

I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent

When you've walked the walk, then you can talk the talk

Having a college education doesn't make you smarter, it means to spent more money to learn how to be smart

Common sense really isn't that common

Material things are nice, but they don't really show your core worth or wealth

You may trip or stagger, but you don't have to fall and if you do, dust yourself and keep on going

Find the one thing you truly love about yourself and live it, be it, embrace it, and nuture it

Even when you think you have nothing to give; you do...love and a smile

Still waters run deep

Be careful not to confuse sex for love and love for sex

Sex is overrated if you don't have a real connection with the person

Taking some "me" time doesn't make you selfish; it makes you stronger, whole, and fulfilled

Trying something new can be wonderful

Standing for something will prevent you from falling for anything

What can you add?


Love to live; live to love!

yea, i said it...and?

I'm sure I'll catch some flack for this, but this is my blog and I can say what I want; so here goes.

I'm so sick to death of Beyonce. Yea, she's pretty, she can sing, and she can dance, but she's not the end all be all in female entertainment and/or talent. In fact, if we weren't SOS (so stuck on stupid for the acronym challenged), we'd recognize and appreciate artists like India.Arie, Goapele, Aya, for their artistic capabilities and talent. We, as women wouldn't get caught up in dumb ass lyrics that plague and pollute the airwaves like, "if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it"; "let me upgrade you"; or "a diva is the female version of a hustler". Really? Actaully, a diva is NOT the female version of a hustler. A Diva is according to Webster's Universal College Dictionary, "a prima donna". So, if you're gonna go around singing about some foolishness, then make sure you know what the hell you're talking about.

And all this Chris Brown/Rihanna mess is on my last damn nerve too. Yea, I feel bad as hell that Rihnana got smacked into a new skin tone, but until either one of them makes an honest; I repeat honest statement about what happened, we'll never know. I'm sick of the rumors and speculation about what happened; who hit whom first, and who gave whom an STD and any other story that's circulating. Personally, a dude break bold and hit on me is unlikely to be the one going to the hospital...ask my ex husband about when he tried to break bad. I digress...I think they both need intervention and counseling to get to the root of their issues before there's any talk of reconciliation. A chic like me probably won't take your hitting on me ass back, but I'm not 19-20 years old in my first realn and paparazzi filled relationship either. I'm not eagerly following this story, but I do hope that they each get the help and care they need.

I DVR damn near everything I watch and Oprah the Cult Leader is one of the shows that's on the list. So, today's episode managed not to get deleted because I really don't care who won an Oscar or what the hell they were wearing or some other lame behind subject that she's been having. Anyway, to my point...Ed Doud, the father of the woman who had the octuplets was on and he was trying to defend his daughter and the choice she made to have all those kids. He spent the majority of the show contradicting himself while trying to shut Oprah up as she asked questions and then said, "so, tell us in your words why you wanted to be here" in the same breath. I kind of felt bad for dude because you could tell he was hurt that people were talking trash and kicking dirt on his kid, but he was also pissed and wished she hadn't done what she did. Personally, I think home girl has mad issues and has no real concept of reality, motherhood, and finances because there aren't too many sane women who'd put themselves in that position. Hell, roll up in the hood and ask Laqueesha an nem if they're happy about their six babies and 4 baby daddies even though they're getting a little child support and got Big Mamma to babysit when they wanna get their part time jayo on or hit the club. Yea, I'll bet you they'll say, "yo, that beyah is crayzee as awl heyall fo dat ish fo real doh!" I can barely stand to be at a kids birthday party, much less try to wrap my head around raising 14 damn kids. I'm one and done for a reason, ya heard! I wish old girl the best, but more importanly, I hope those kids don't suffer the fallout from her rather selfish act. Oh, and I damn sure fault that lame brained dr who inseminated her. He's one of the reasons malpractice insurance is so damn high. His license should be revoked and maybe he should be forced to pay child support for what he did.

Now, let me go back to Oprah for a second. Yea, I called her a cult leader and if you're honest and think about it for a second, you might actually agree. Think about how many products people have bought because Oprah said so. Remember that book scandal? Oprah endorsed some book, had dude on her show, everyone ran out and bought the book and then we found out that dude was a fraud. I bet if dude never made the Oprah show or had her endorse his book, that he wouldn't have gotten the amount of attention or sales he got. Acai berries have been around for quite some time, but because Oprah said it's a great weight loss and health aid, folk ran out and bought the product. I swear I wish I had something homegirl could endorse so I could get y'all nice folk to buy it and then I could go back to my little corner of the world with mad loot in my pocket and a little notoriety; why? Because Oprah said so!!!

For those of you old enough to know who Charlie Wilson is, will know that he has a new CD out. Even if you didn't know, you do now. Anyhoo, I don't recall the name of his new song, but I thought it was actually nice; well, that is until I heard him say "conversate". WHAT? Charlie Wilson aka Uncle Charlie, saying "conversate". I was done! Station change, I couldn't hear another note. It's bad enough we hear all kinds of unintelligible lyrics, mispronounced words, etc., in this so-called song from 20-30 something knuckleheads or stank behind chics, but to hear a grown ass man who's been making good songs for umpteen years say that mess just irks me. Tom Joyner. crusader for all things promoting good black consciousness should have called him on that when he had him on the show, but naw, he let's it slide. Well, I didn't...hell, with radio, that's why I play my iPod.

I am in no way offended by gay people, nor do I think they're an abomination, but I don't understand why some need to tag and label themselves and half the things they own with their rainbow flag. I have gay friends and have asked why it's done and I've gotten mixed reviews. Some have said, they're proud of themselves/sexuality and have no qualms letting anyone know. Others have said, it's not necessary to advertise; they're happy and secure in their sexuality without needing to put it out there. Okay, I get that, but that still doesn't completely answer or conclude my questioning. Let's face it, we may be living in 2009 and gay marriage is legal in some states, but people are still mean and will attack randomly. Say, a group of knucklehead kids are out with nothing to do but cause trouble and see a car with a rainbow flag on it, what's likely to happen? Ding! Ding! You guessed it, they're very likely to cause some form of damage to it for no other reason for it belonging to a gay person who tagged their whip. I'm not saying it's right, because I'm not, but for the love of sanity, can someone please make me understand. PLEASE!

This next topic is one that I fail to comprehend...why are grown ass folk getting their knickers in a twist over whether or not they're in someone's Top Friends on MySpace? Really? You've got to be out of your friggin minds...for real! I was getting my hair done a few weeks ago and I overheard a conversation where one woman said to another, "and I better be in your top", and she was dead ass serious and full of attitude. Is it really that serious? Some people take MySpace entirely too damn seriously for a social networking tool. I can't believe people really get into e-fights and even real life fights over who's who in someone's top friends list. Talk about insecurity. Wah! Cry me a friggin river and find something worthwhile to get twisted over.

I so can't stand VH-1 and their so-called Reality Shows. I've never seen so much crap as I've seen on there. Are that many people socially inept, desperate, lacing self-esteem that they'll publically and nationally embarass themselves for 15 minutes of fame or a chunk of change? Apparently yes and I refuse to sacrifice valuable grey matter on them and I think it's sad that so many people don't think like me, but then again; I'm not in my teens or early 20, which seems to be the chosen demographic for those shows. Those poor people, what a waste of time and energy!

I'm done now!


love to live; live to love!

girl, fix yo face!

What is with these girls and women who walk around with this perpetual scowl on their faces or looking like they smell shit all day long? OMG! It's so annoying to see. The other day, I saw a girl who couldn't have been more than about 13 and she had this look on her face like she'd worked for the past 20 hrs and was about to work 20 more. To add insult to the situation was that she was a pretty girl, but she sure as shit looked a triple hot mess with that damn scowl on her face. I also saw a 20 something year old woman who had that, "I smell shit" look on her face and I'm like, no friggin way.

This isn't the first time I've seen this look and I'm sure it won't be the last, but what is it all about? I have no idea what makes these girls/women walk around looking like they have absolutely nothing to live for or smile about. Is this something I missed in Black Girl Charm School? No, for real, because these girls/women where it like they were taught to look like that. White girls don't walk around with this scowl, so it got me to thinking that it's seriously a "black girl" thing.

I know it's hard out there for black women, but it can't be that hard that we're walking around looking like we're going to gouge the eyes out of the next person who looks at us. Has anyone else noticed this phenomenon? It saddens me because it seems like we're conditioning our girls to look intimidating or menacing. I've often wanted to ask them what is really going on to make them look that way, but truth be told I'm a little scared just in case they flip out on me.

All jokes aside, this is something that really bothers me. I want to understand what this is all about.

love to live; live to love!

a random sprinkling of jewel dust...

okay, so i know it's been damn near a month since i last posted something, but that doesn't mean i haven't missed you all. what it actually means is that there's been a lot going on and it's prohibited me from blogging about it; well until today.

today, i'm going to post random samplings of what i've been doing and going through...

so, my Jamaica boo and i had a huge fight, mended fences, and are friends again. he's still laying claim to the goods, but that's his issue not mine *giggle*

i'm still seeing The Toolbelt (the one my last post was about), though i've slowed that down some. and i'm also seeing Mr. Cerebral. They ironically live roughly 15 minutes from each other, but the good thing is that the latter spends his social time in Brooklyn, so never the two shall meet. *phew*

dating (more than one guy) is way out of my league for real peeps! though i'm handling it pretty well, it's still overwhelming and something that i'm not used to.

i have these crazy horny periods that i have the worst time containing. i was in Florida, so there was no way for me to satisfy my needs. Girl 6 had NOTHING on me when i made my calls (read: demands) for sexual gratification upon my return to NJ.

Lil Lady continues to be the most amazing person to me. while so many mothers are going through hell with their teens, i'm enjoying a warm, affectionate, open, and honest relationship with mine. *yay*

speaking of Lil Lady, she has once again made the High Honor Roll. beauty AND brains in one petite lil package. i'm so blessed!

"Yes, we can" is something that i'm living by and find ways to apply it to my life on a daily basis. i'm not going to be that person who voted for the man and is now complacent because i've gotten what i wanted. i'm going to be an even bigger advocate for positive change and efficiency for myself, my family, and my community.

even though i'm struggling financially (like most are), i'm ever grateful for what i DO have and i'm thankful for each and every day i wake, can work, have health benefits, etc. i don't complain about what i don't have because there truly is so much i have and to be grate/thankful for.

my health continues to be good and even though i'm sick of being poked and prodded, examined, and charted, i know it's for the greater good and health awareness is a key proponent in keeping me alive and well.

even though i'm dating, love is still elusive to me and i do truly hope one day that it'll find me, take me down, and hold me hostage for life.

faith and prayer are two key components in how i make it through life.

as we approach Thanksgiving, i reflect on the many things/people I'm thankful for and it's easier to focus on the good stuff rather than the bad. as Sam Cooke's song said, A Change Gone Come and it can/will as long as we believe and participate.

i refused the extremely rude and errant attempts on getting my attention while in JFK airport recently and was called out my name for it. i promptly corrected him and infromed him that his actions and inability to accept my refusal demonstrated a lack of class and integrity on his part and that he's apparently not used to dealing with women with any real respect for herself and that's why he came out his face. i went on to tell him that he might want to dig into his pysche as to why he sees and treats women the way he does if he has any hopes on getting a woman with any self-worth. i walked away leaving him some words to ponder and about 15 mins later, he came back and apologized. he told me he's not used to women turning him down (he was attractive) and that he was used to getting his way and what he wanted. ironically, this led to a conversation about women, their worth and that woman are their own worst enemy and sell themselves out for the stupidest of things. at the end if the conversation we agreed that we truly hope that we can regain our positions as princesses/queens/empresses. he said, he was going to work on being a king. *wow*

work has been so crazy and demanding lately and i really felt like my efforts were going unnoticed. actually they weren't and my manager has given me a lot of props for what i've been doing and how well i've taken on my increased work load.

i've taken the opportunity to travel for work and i love it as much as i did in the past. in Oct i went to IN and KY. last week, i was in Fl, and next month, i'm going to TX. i want to stay marketable, gain field experience, and show them that i'm willing to learn and mature in my work skills.

a good/reliable source says my name has come up for some form of promotion in the new year.

speaking of traveling; my trip to Fl was fantastical! i was in Jacksonville, Orlando, and Miami with a great guy in my work group. we had a blast and hooked up with my fave girl cuz in Miami and had a night on the town. he'd never been to Fl before, so we had to make it memorable for him.

i was able to stay for the remainder of the weekend and catch up with mum and dad and sis.

my cuz and i are completely nuts together; always have been and always will be. we're the proverbial two peas in a pod. together we're like C4 waiting to be ignited! i think we might have been the catalyst for what we saw on a t-shirt. "came here for vacation and left on probation". though we've never been summoned by any law enforcement agencies, we've come close. *giggle at the mems*

i apologize for being out of the loop, but life has to be lived, but know that i've not forgotten any of you and even though i may not always comment, i do try to read your blogs and see what you're up to.

well, my blog fam, that's all for now. Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you. I pray blessings for you and your families/friends during this time of communcal gatherings.

Love!

happy thoughts of the week

this is a list of the things that made me smile this week...

knowing that God did not bring me this far to leave me now

knowing that when the world goes out, God and His word will always be there

being surprised

lil lady had a sub for one of her classes and the sub said they could do what she wanted and she decided to txt me *huge smile*

lil lady's boyfriend txts me to say thank you and that he loves me

feeling like a little girl in his big, strong arms

an email from jus.b.fli to say, "I Love You"

an email from believer1964 to ask me if i'd like to do a guest post on her blog

a voicemail from The Man saying, "hi sweetie pie"

a call from The Man where i realized it was him after i answered and before he spoke, and greeted him with a cheery, "hi honey"

another call at work from The Man where he paused after i said, "hi, this is Blu" and made sure he made enough noise for me to realize it was him so i could say, "hi honey"

graduating from doing 30 pushups a day to now being able to do 40

successfully losing almost 12lbs

the shock and awe on someone's face when they realized i was not 29, but 41

lunch with a dear friend who saw me through my tears and encouraged me

a call from the same dear friend who called me to tell me that God will handle it all for me

my pending "girls day" with my 63 year old friend Robin; she's so crazy

realizing how strong he is

IPRs (Involuntary Physical Responses) *giggle*

that certain feeling right there *devilish giggle*

going to my support group and know that it's okay for me to "act out"

the random and crazy txts from The Mayor (moniker for cuz's bf)

the txt from my cuz (The Mayor's girl) telling me not to worry about what they're doing after i received the crazy txt from her man

looking in my freezer at all the food my mum cooked for me while she was in NJ last week

knowing that mum has my back

fussing at doing lil lady's laundry, but doing it anyway

finding a way to make a $1 out of 15 cents

knowing that somehow; in some way i'm making a difference to someone

the great posts i've read from my blogger family

knowing and believing that everything will be okay

Love!

i dont even know what to call this ish!

the following is a list of memorable things that happened this week; good and bad in no particular order...

i got a txt from dude i blogged about in What Freedom Feels Like on Thursday saying, "how r u? i hope ur having a good day" @4:19pm...it's now Friday @ 7:12pm and i still haven't responded...let freedom ring! *giggle*

i was having an emotional meltdown and reached out to my cousin and my male bestie of 25yrs and they both talked me off the ledge in their respective ways.

said male bestie was so amazing in his support and follow up that he moved me to tears.

i actually took some time out for myself by ignoring calls, sleeping in, and leaving work early.

i like my current interest more than i probably should and it's driving me crazy.

if my mood swings don't calm down, i'm seriously thinking of seeing my dr about getting on something

i have rope burn for how tight i'm holding onto the knot in the rope

love is an elusive and deceptive emotion

i've never felt more emotionally drained than i do right now

if saying, "eff it all!" was an option, i think i'd take it

reggae is some good ass music

no one believes i'm almost 41; i've been hearing i look 26 for the past couple weeks

i finally lost almost 10lbs without even really trying, but when i try, it never happens

i finally got my cover up tattoo and i love it...pix forthcoming

reality sucks; fantasy never disappoints

potential is only good when it reaches manifestation; why can't folk just wo/man up?

i need to start going back to the firing range

why can't i have things MY way just ONCE?

after the week i've had, i can kinda understand why people drink to excess to escape

i've seen emotional fraud manifest itself and let me tell you, it's a fuggin horrible thing for the one who was deceived

eff it! i'm out...

love!

Top 10 List #4

This one is centered around dating and the potential of new relationships. Since the Blu in my Jewel is shining pretty bright these days, I'm venturing into "getting my groove back" territory and it's both exciting and scary. Here are my thoughts on my current interest...

Likes…
The excitement and newness

The schoolgirl butterflies

The knowing who I am confidence

Knowing censorship is unnecessary and open/honest dialog is important

Feeling secure knowing I’m not a bag lady and will only bring me into the potential of a new relationship

The cultural familiarity and ease

The imagery of what he's doing/how he looks

The “what are you wearing?” and the “where you thinking about me?” questions

The “when will I see you again?” thought

Waiting and not rushing; knowing a moral compass isn’t a bad thing

Dislikes…
The distance even though it’s only a 2+ hour drive

Feeling like I’ve been out of the game for too long

Wondering if he’s truly able to deal with and accept a woman like me

The thoughts that stir in the recesses of my mind

Some of the distracted/empty phone calls

The Unknowns vs. The Doubts vs. The Potential

The sexual tension

Thinking he’s just after the sex

That we have conflicting sexual likes/dislikes

He’s got one hella potty mouth

sorry

I know I've been incognegro for a minute since I dropped that poem and I don't mean to be, but I'm going through a transition of sorts and needed to concentrate on myself for a minute.

I have a couple more I plan to post since y'all liked that last one THAT much *smile*

I'm not sure if anyone has contact with BZ, but she's been MIA for a while and I'm concerned because she had some health issues and she's not returned calls/txts. If anyone has info, please email me or leave details in your comment.

Don, I've been reading you, just haven't commented; no diss, was just short on time. You're still making me think and laugh.

Like Stella, I'm getting my groove back and the Jewel will be shining even brighter than before.

For those who know and those who didn't, the 29th of this month marks the 1 year anniversary of my first surgery for breast cancer...I'm A SURVIVOR!!!! I've set up a team to participate in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk for October of this year in my area. I do plan to post details of the event and hope that you will donate to this cause.

In the mean time, I'm preparing for my 41st birthday...yes, I'm THAT old! *lol* and am looking forward to celebrating it clean of cancer and without the self-consciousness I did last year.

To God be the glory for the past year, for all of you, and for me never giving up.

Love!

I Want A Love...

Thanks to Don, I came across a wonderful poem that is a MUST read. I want that kind of... by Charles.

It reminded me of a poem I wrote some years ago. Because of Charles, I've decided to share it.

I want a Love

I want a...
I want a love...
I want a love that existed way before time and will last long after it has past
I want a love that you have to travel to the ends of the universe and back to understand its depth
I want a love that makes you envelop yourself in an ocean of water only to die and be reincarnated in a different country so that I could love you in a different language.

I want a …
I want a love...
I want a love that defies sense a logic and renders me helpless every time you’re near
I want a love that makes me full even if I haven't eaten because I am consumed by the mere sight of you
I want a love that fuels my fire so much that just thinking of you makes me hot
I want a love that makes me cry every time I go to sleep because I can't see you
I want a love that makes me just want because you make me insatiable

I want a …
I want a love...
I want a love that makes years feel like months, months feel like weeks, weeks feel like days, days feel like hours, hours feel like minutes, minutes feel like seconds so I would never feel like I'm away from you.
I want a love that turns syllables into words, words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs, so that no matter what I say, it sounds like I love you.
I want a love that has a foundation strong enough to hold the weight of the world and the universe that surrounds it.

I want a ...
I want a love...
I want a love that makes everyday a ceremony for the sound of your voice is music to my ears
I want a love that makes me feel like I'm in a garden for every time I thought of you flowers bloomed
I want a love where you were my compass and I would never be lost and always be lead back to you

I want a...
I want a love...
I want a love that allows my thoughts of you to became stars so on a clear night you could look up at the sky see how much I love.
I want a love that allows me to sleep through dark and dangerous nights because as long as I'm near I know I'm safe.
I want a love that allows oceans and seas to become puddles and ponds because you are on the other side.

I want a …
I want a love...
I want a love where being incarcerated would seem like freedom knowing you're still there for me
I want a love where being naked is just a state of being because I'll always be covered with your love
I want a love that welcomes the darkness for that's when the stars shine the brightest and I know your love is above me
I want a love that allows us to speak volumes even when we're not talking

I want a...
I want a love...
I want a love that would allow me to change the promise that the rainbow made and instead of a pot of gold I would find you.
I want a love so beautiful that every paradise in the world wishes that it was their resting place.
I want a love so undefined that Webster just reference it instead of trying to define it.
I want a love ...

I want a …
I want a love...
I want a love so pure that virginity would take on a whole new meaning
I want a love so divine that is took second place next to God
I want a love that speaks for itself where even if I wasn't near you, you could still hear me
I want a love...

I want a love like this.
I want to love like this.

© Blu Jewel

untitled

I'm not sad or discouraged because I know the works He has for me, but it's fair to say that I'm a little disappointed at the moment. I read this in my Daily Word is and it kind of sums up my need.

It was only a brief little note,
Or a word that was prayerfully spoken,
Yet not in vain, for it soothed the pain
Of a heart that was nearly broken. —Anon.

Hope can be ignited by a spark of encouragement.

Please extend a small prayer in my favor to give me continued strength and the encourgement to forge on ever thankful and ever sure.

Love!

Open Letter #2: What I really want to say to you.

You've shown me side of you that is cowardly, selfish, insensitive, and cruel. I've seen in you that the man you presented yourself to be isn't who you really are at all. While I recognize that to some degree I was blinded by what I wanted to see, I do realize that you were complicit in my blinding.

You get by in life walking away without explanation for your actions and think that it's okay. You expect the other person to read your mind to know and understand all the things you did not say. Uhm, newsflash...it's doesn't work that way. I'm talented in many ways, but a mind reader isn't on my resume. At one of the most crucial times in my life, you bailed on me and remained away for 7 months until I reached out and even then, you didn't seem to care enough to inquire about what I'd been through. It took prodding to get you to show an ounce of concern. Well, eff you dude, I don't need that ish in my life.

Let me really get into this...

For years, I was the best friend you'd probably ever had. I gave unselfishly and unconditionally of myself, my time, and my resources. I never asked for anything other than you be a fair and good friend to me. I look back now and see how much of our friendship was one-sided. You were always on the receiving end. Oh, I'll give you that you've sent a few cards, made some calls, been a shoulder, etc., but again, those occasions weren't frequent and you still got more than you ever gave.

Because I don't want to digress into the heat of the vulcanic fury you once had me in, I'll spare some of the details, but dude let me tell you, you're a friggin heartless coward. I can't believe that you even acted the way you did and worse yet, treat me the way you did. Yeah, we all handle crisis differently, but damn, you showed no kind of compassion for what I was going through. I've gotten better treatment from strangers than from someone who I once regarded as my twin soul. I actually wonder if I ever really knew you cause I never imagined you'd treat me like this.

Hearing you answer my question of you thinking about me lately with, "yeah, but not enough to act on it" was the biggest slap in the face and certainly the last I'll take from you. There was no hidden meaning or intimate intent of my question. It was simply to see if knowing what you knew meant enough for you to send a txt, drop an email, to say, "hope all is well". After 7 months, you don't think that's a kind thing to do? Obviously not! You know me well enough to know that it's the simple things that mean the most to me and I've respected you and whatever/whomever is in your life to not make a federal production about much.

I'm so friggin tired of holding in how I feel, so now that's it's out, you are too. Well, you actually have been for a while. I'd already deleted your contact info from my phone and deleted your email address from my contacts. I have a peculiar ability to remember certain number sequences and you've had the same number for all the time I've know you, so it's not like I'd just not remember it. Know this, I won't be txting you anymore. There is nothing left for us to say. That random txt that you got was the last one. I'm not being petty or immature. I think it's rather mature of me to get it off my chest because guess what? I'm being honest and that's something you know little about. You instead simply fade to black to not be heard from again. As Puffy would say, "that's some bitchassness!"

Never would I have thought you'd would be this way and I certainly never imagined my life without you in it, but the reality outweighs my obvious fantasy. And I don't mean fantasy of sexual intent. As I said, the thought of our no longer being friends never entered my mind, but thank you very much for altering that thought.

I won't go on record of soley stating the bad because there were many good times and there are some good memories. It's just that right now, they're completely irrelavent as I am now to you.

I love the woman I am, whom I've become, and I refuse to be a bag lady by harboring any negative feelings. It was nice while it lasted. Have a good life cause I sure as hell plan on enjoying the rest of mine.

Love!

Top Ten Likes/Dislikes

Good and bad of being home from work

Likes…

1. Sleeping in
2. Feeling relaxed and refreshed
3. Doing things that I overlook
4. Peace and tranquility
5. Not having to get dressed
6. Moving at a slower pace
7. Knowing what’s going on in my neighborhood during the day
8. Not having to watch my time online
9. Being able to watch my DVDs without a time constraint
10. Not having to interact with people

Dislikes…

1. Being woken up by the neighbor mowing their lawn
2. The crap that’s on daytime TV
3. Not being able to drive
4. Wanting to do something and can’t
5. Knowing what the neighbors are doing during the day
6. The barking ass dogs that won’t shut up
7. The temptation to not follow drs orders
8. Writers block when I have the time to write
9. Feeling lazy
10. I guess there isn’t a 10^th…lol