Pix from Jamaica

This was the easiest way for me to make the pix visible.

 
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=181735&id=653476690&l=1035de9c64

Jewel drops

My sexual needs are much greater than I ever imagined they'd be

I prefer pedicures to manicures

I feel empowered by driving a manual transmission vehicle

I do not believe the hype

The best fashion trend to follow is your own

In truth the degrees of separation is less than 6

I have exhausted my divine patience and am wondering how long before my human patience kicks in

 (add on to previous) when it does, it sure isn't going to be pretty

I feel my sexiest when I'm wearing black

I look my prettiest when I'm smiling

I feel my strongest when defending someone I care about

I've learned that I know more than I thought I did

Things I used to think were off limits aren't and I enjoy them immensely

I am very much in touch with my masculine side

Silence is more damaging than the spoken word


I'd rather be confined to the madness of my own mind, than to be free in the madness around me


I am not nearly as social as people perceive me to be


The safest place I know is within my own heart/mind


Time may heal wounds, but love is a better bandage


I sometimes seek comfort in music before I would from a person


"Love is what I need to help me know my name" line from Love's Divine by Seal...Absolutely amazing line


There are few things sweeter than hearing someone say your name in the heat of passion


I have no idea what it's like to have a real/honest/true/consistent/loving relationship with my parents


I do; however, KNOW how to be a a real/honest/true/consistent/loving parent to my own child

I have conquered my own personal Mount Everest


Life IS good!


It's all possible!

Ready, set....NOPE!!!

It's been five years since I was in a relationship and the time off has been quite an experience; good, bad, and whatever.  I've learned so much about myself, seen life through very different eyes, and finally came to a place of peace that I wasn't sure I'd get to; however, I did and boy am I happy I have.

Since the end of July 2008, I began dating; something I'd never done in my past.  Seeing that I was a serial monogamist and a 'late bloomer', the initial thought of seeing different people seemed a rather odd and lofty adventure on my part.  Given that I'm blessed to have some amazing friends in my life, they guided me through the process and I entered the very new world of dating and to my surprise; found that I actually enjoyed it.  I liked having options, the ability to venture into various activities that I may not have if I'd been in a monogamous relationship, and I just like having the liberty of just being free. 

While I'm liberal to some degree with sex, the thought of being sexual with multiple partners was out of the question.  The one I saw with the most frequency was the one I slept with, and kept things topical with the others.  Over time, I began weening as I refused to stay on the ride, when the momentum was gone and I didn't want to send mixed signals.

Ready....When I finally called it quits altogether and entered back into my single and celibate state.  In the process, I'd finally and completely gotten over Kyrpto, which was an emotional expenditure that had long since run its course.   The friendship with Heart's Desire had grown exponentially and I felt that's definitely where I wanted to be.  Truth be told, I'd fallen for him, which in and of itself was a celebration to pale July 4th as it had taken 14 1/2yrs to me to actually feel that way about anyone else; to include my ex husband.  I was willing to see where that could go until there was a left turn in Albuquerque and had to put that idea on the back burner.  It didn't end my feelings for him, but it did make me not regret my decision to be celibate again, which lasted almost four days shy of four months when I saw him again.  It was once again, another wonderful experience, another step in the direction of feeling that I was ready to be in a monogamous relationship.  Through him, I saw that part of me that In some ways, I'd missed in the five year relationship break I'd been on. 

Set...So, there it was, me single once again.  I decided it was best that I remain single and not date.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to ensure that my heart was in fact ready, and that I would be open and receptive to a potential relationship.

Nope...As if like cosmic amusement, I found myself in a completely unexpected and accidental FwB (Friends with Benefits) relationship.  Unlike one I'd entered into before, this one came very well equipped with all the friendship I needed to make put us in a non-balanced place.  Neither of us expected what had happened and neither of us regret the decision to continue as we still tried to figure out how we'd even gotten involved. 

He was given the moniker of The Accidental Playmate; The Playmate for short.  Neither of us are currently employed, so we have a lot of time to do things we might not have being employed.  We call the time we share together play dates, which in some cases are just that.  As I said, we don't always reduce our shared time to just sex.  We go out and about, we watch movies and discuss the plot; sometimes we just sit and talk, and he's been a great source of strength and comfort during this time with me settling my daughter's fathers estate.  The Playmate has brought a level of balance to my life at a time when I needed a friend; intimacy, and most of all NO STRESS/DRAMA.  We completely and totally respect each other and make no demands for anything the other isn't willing or able to give. 

For a while, I was completely sure that I was Ready and Set for emotional permanence, but it's pretty obvious that I'm not and you know what?  I'm very much okay with that!


It's all possible!

what makes me happy

Knowing and appreciating that I'm a child of God

Standing up even when I want to fall down

Seeing Lil Lady smile

Cooking and watching people eat

Playing tambourine in church

Spending time with my cousins in FL

Getting into or creating shenanigans

Hearts Desire

Being the woman i am

Waiting for love to come instead of forcing it to happen

Stolen moments

Being a blessing to others and being in a position to bless others

Hagen Daaz Five mint ice cream

Sunflowers and Calla Lillies

Being encouraged

It's all possible!

From afar

This past Saturday, i had an opportunity to see Heart's Desire as he was on the east coast for business.  In light of what I'm going through, seeing him was a pleasant detour from my current journey and sharing time with him filled in some of the emptiness in my life.

Our time was limited due to his having to head back to NY that evening, but limited time was still time enough as quality over quantity prevails in my book.

The feelings we have for each other are still very much in tact and it's amazing how two people remain so well connected in spite of a three thousand mile gap between them.  It served to remind me that distance is no match for what one feels in their heart.  Lil Lady likes him; even after only meeting him twice now and believes that the company he recently did business with will make him an offer he can't refuse and he'll be hack on the east coast.  She is absolutely convinced that he and I will end up together and that the current she in his life doesn't have his heart; I do.  Rather impressive and lofty thoughts, but I embrace them as we are well suited for each other.

Right now, I need every positive thought I can get and have, so I'll take it and tuck it into my heart as I continue to get little reminders that delay does not mean denial.

Enjoy your day family.

It's all possible!

where do i even begin?

It's funny; actually it's not, how life takes sudden turns that exceed the normal left turns in Albuquerque and leave you stranded on life's highway saying, "what happened, and how the hell did I get here?"

Well, of late that's been the state of my existence. I woke up one morning and found out that I was one of the many people who would be laid off due to the company losing the contract. I was neither shocked nor disappointed as I knew it had nothing to do with my work performance; however, the prospect of being unemployed didn't sit well with me as I like working. I did consider how long it would take me to become re-employed? Did I have enough saved as not to touch my IRA? And what would I do with my now abundance of free time?

I used the time to take on an autobiographical writing project that I've been encouraged to write for some time now. It began with some ease, but I hit a couple of roadblocks and put said project on hold. Shortly before I decided to take it on again, another spin out occurred...I was informed that someone who had a major roll in my life died suddenly and since that fateful day, my life has been somewhat of a blur.

As much as I want to go back to work, I realize that the timing of my job loss and the life loss afforded me the time to handle affairs that have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I have a gaping wide whole in my life and heart right now and have no idea how/when it'll close. Time heals they say, but I don't want time to heal a damn thing, I just want to hit rewind and get back what should still be here anyway.

Anger, pain, and frustration aside, I strive to move forward and embrace life and living a lot stronger/harder than I did before. I'm looking at life more closely and effectively because losing my recently turned 46 year influential person showed me that we don't know how/when our life will be over and we've got to find and hold on to things of substance; release ourselves from the drama/pain/toxicity and live and make things possible.

Those who know of my loss, tell me that I'm a strong woman and that I can get through this, but what if I don't want to be strong? What if I want or need to be weak? Does anyone ever consider that? Do people really think that just because one is perceived to be strong that they can handle all the shit the life drops in their life? Uhm? I'll take "no, for a thousand Alex!" Yes, I've overcome a lot of pain, adversity, and generally being screwed over and shit on in my life; all of which I can say I've gotten over; at least for the most part. But this, my dear readers, is not something I'm going to simply "get over". I'm not going to wake up one morning and think that his loss was a good thing. I'm not going to be stronger because he's gone. My strength doesn't make a Super Woman; all it does and has done is make me find alternative ways to deal with the crap. This not so much! I hate that he's gone! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!!!!

The ONLY summation I can give to this is that God must have one heck of a plan for me and that He's going to bless me with something amazing. All of these trials are the polishing tools to bring me to my most refined and ready point to receive His blessing. I have opened my heart and mind to this thought because I believe it and because it's the only thing that makes sense of the sudden changes in my life.


Well, that's all folks! I haven't re read this so I haven't a clue if it makes sense or follows any logical sequence, which would be in total keeping with my life.

It's all possible (whatever IT is)

Sanctuary

You came back into my life
And from day one
Effortlessly peeled away the layers
Until you reached my innermost sanctum
Taking up residency like a stubborn squatter
As if my soul was where you were supposed to be
© 2010



It's all possible!

It's a little sweeter!

Okay, since my last post, I've been hit by more snow than a woman a should have to shovel, but oh well, the good of the bad is that my arms, shoulders and back are in optimal condition.

Thank you all for your support and such with my last post and here's an update to that.

Since, The Him's email, we've continued to communicate as friends, although some of our conversations have taken not just a left turn Albuquerque; but went up the mountain too. How? You might ask, so I shall tell...

I volunteered to update his resume as he's going through some things at work and is seeking new employment. In doing so he thanked me and I replied saying, "my pleasure" and he sighed. Naturally, I was concerned and asked what could be wrong. He replied, "nothing I can fix right now". Me being me, said some encouraging things to boost his spirits thinking it was work related. A few minutes later, he said, "thanks. lol. It's YOU!" I blushed every hue of red, realizing the impact of what he said and meant. *cue Hawa's comment about "his little experiment*!

Anyhoo, the conversation went back and forth about his feelings for me and how connected he feels to me. This line of conversation went on for almost a week and it's blatantly obvious that his feelings are like the still river running deep and it's only the distance (he's on the left coast if I didn't mention that before) that's the problem.

So, here I am with feelings deep enough to swim in and I'm cool with that. I take comfort in knowing that the feelings involved are completely mutual and his honesty makes him even more attractive. We've lyrically spoken which is another effective means of our on-going communication and that in itself is rather attractive. *cue the harps and angels*

In closing, I'll say that this is probably the best relationship I've never had and I'm enjoying every waking minute of it. It feels good to feel and it's even better to know that there's reciprocity involved. Those who are in my innermost circle are all sending positive vibes into the universe and they're all conspiring in my favour to ensure that "his little experiment" does not produce favourable results and he becomes mine; all mine and the distance will be replaced.

It's great to have such wonderful cheerleaders in my life. *high kicks and pom-poms in the air*

There you have it readers; another update in the life of Blu Jewel.

Oh, B2B how'd do you like this pic?

It's all possible!

Bittersweet

Well, as you all know I’d fallen for an old friend and things between us were good. The distance as we both knew would present us with a problem. In spite of it, we managed to maintain and sustain good communication and correspondence.

It was known that we’d both been dating other people off and on; however, it didn’t take away from what we felt for each other. I had the biggest challenge of all because I’d prayed with my entire being that he’d be mine for keeps this year. The few people who knew the intricate details surrounded me with their support and encouraged me to allow myself to feel and fall; especially given what the former Him had taken me through.

I have absolutely no regrets for opening my heart and emotions and allowing myself to fall completely in love. Hell, I needed to experience it to know that I could in fact love someone other than the Former and the feelings go requited without compromise.

Well, last night; in the most sincere and even romantic of ways, the current Him said that he and the woman he’d been seeing on and off had discussed becoming monogamous and he was going to give it a go. Naturally, this is not what I wanted to hear; however, in the spirit of honesty and the respect for our friendship, how could I take the news that would bruise my heart badly? Yes, believe me, it felt like a mule kicked me in my gut, but again, he was open and honest with me and that means far more to me than losing him. The reality is that I haven’t lost him entirely; we’re still friends and will remain as such. We’ll continue to correspond; we just have to do it within different confines. I will not flirt and/or be suggestive in any way as that defiles both my integrity and his pending relationship.

I sincerely wished him well with his decision and told him that I hope she treats him well or she’ll have me to deal with. *lol* You know I had to go there.

All jokes aside, I can only love and respect him more for his candor and honesty and it attests to the wonderful man that he is inside and out. He even stated that ordinarily he’d just stop communicating, but his affinity toward me prevented him from doing that and I deserved the truth. Wow!

So, there you have it; the update on my love status. I guess I’ll resume my seat on the back of the bus and keep riding until it’s worth getting off again.

On Forgiveness - Sins of a Mother

"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." Matthew 5:11

I refer to this scripture because I hold it very near and dear to my heart and life. Why? Because throughout my life there have been people who have spoken ill against me or have chosen to persecute me for their own gain. Yes, we've all had moments in our lives where someone has been less than loving in their actions or speech to us, but when your own mother is the one speaking ill of you and thus, persecuting you, there is a very big problem.

At various points in my life, my mother has spoken ill about me based on speculation, assumption, or from jealously. Note that my mother harbours a level of residual anger and bitterness that has lasted over 4 decades and she's yet to let it go. I, on the other hand, have gotten over said anger/bitterness and have put full closure on old hurts. I'm not sure if that's actually the root of why she speaks ill of me and seeing as I've never asked, I'm still none the wiser. In addition, I've accomplished much in my life that she's either wanted to do or was never able to do, so maybe that's a part of it too.

In spite of her many shortcomings in her parental and motherly role, I will give credit where credit it due. She's strong, independent, and very able. She's not afraid of hard work and has fulfilled the joke of Jamaicans working many jobs. She's never counted on a man to sustain her and to date continues to work while her husband; my stepfather took an early retirement almost a decade ago. She came though for me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through my treatment and surgeries. It's credit I will never take from her; however, it still doesn't erase that she feels it's okay to defile me for no apparent reason.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ²"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."^a]">[a] ⁴Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-5

I refer to this scripture because in the midst of my mother berating and defiling me, she referred to said scripture, but only the first and second verse. How convenient.

I digress...The point I'm making is how easy it is for people; in this case my mother, to speak about what she doesn't know. Little does my mother know that I'm a sexual abuse and a rape survivor. Why doesn't she know? 1) because she didn't pay enough attention to me to notice a change in my behaviour, 2) I spared her from such knowledge, and 3) I didn't trust her enough to feel comfortable telling her. I spent a little over 3 decades of my life self-mutilated and bordered on an eating disorder. There are these and many other things that I've spared her from knowing, yet, she regards me as some relationship reject. How she can do is astounds me when she remains in a loveless marriage and they simply coexist because neither had the balls to get out of it. But because I divorced my ex-husband and am currently single, she sees me as wasting my life. The fact is, I'd rather continue to be single and happy than to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Out of her children, I'm the only one with a college education; a career, and has a mortgage. Even though I didn't remain with Lil Lady's father, I never disparaged him in front of her or made her feel like she had to chose between one of us or the other; things that I was subjected growing up. I graduated from Basic Training in the top 10 percent of the class and I went through Basic with males AND females, which is a military rarity as they do not typically mix genders.

Again, I digress. It's apparent there is much to be said about this situation, but I'm trying to remain on topic. Here goes...

Last Saturday, my mother took it upon herself to defame me to my twin cousin. She went on and and on about how I didn't do this or that, or how I've squandered my life, and how she never wanted this or that for me. Not once, she she consider that what she was doing was and is wrong. Not only was she speaking ill of her only daughter, she was speaking ill of me to a cousin (on my father's side) that she'd only met once before and with whom I'm extremely close. My cousin tried to interject and defend me, but my mother didn't want to hear it until finally my cousin found a way to flip the conversation.

My cousin was hurt and disgusted and had to remain silent until I'd returned home to tell me what happened. We spent the better part of an hour talking about it and deciding how it should be handled. The next morning I called her to say that I was okay albiet still confused and upset, but I was confident the church service would make me feel better. As I sat in church contemplating whether or not to testify on it, I finally did and it actually felt good to release it in order to work through it. The service was on point and I began to feel my spirit take course. For the duration of the week, my cousin and I prayed, read the word, and meditated on how we should deal with both the situation and my mother. By the end of the week, we realized that no matter what my mother said or why she said it, was on her. It was not our issue and we should not allow it to affect us. It doesn't matter what my mother thinks of me, I know I'm a good person, I've worked hard without compromising myself to get where I am now, and for the negative words of one, there are many who can speak to the contrary.

It was a hard week and it took a long time to come to a place of true peace and full forgiveness. I'm completely comfortable in the approach that I took and I'm not going to carry the baggage of another as mine. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about the forgiver.

I've said all of this to say, that we must look beyond the situation and seek a solution. We must consider the cause and effect of what we're facing and see what would truly be gained or lost with confrontation. Forgiving isn't easy, but doing the right thing never is.

It's all possible!

It's All About Him :-)

December 28th 2009 is now a historic day for me

Thinking of him makes me smile

Hearing his voice is soothing/comforting

Knowing the feeling is mutual is amazing

Distance can’t erase what I feel inside

This is an awesome feeling

I prayed and claimed him as mine

I get giddy when I speak about him

I’m so happy I’m not longer stuck on stupid with the other him

The song ‘He Is’ by Heather Headley makes me think of him

The song for his ring tone is ‘A Kiss to Remember’ by Pamela Williams


It's all possible!

Open Letter #3 - A Day Late!

So, this morning, just as I pulled into my church's parking lot I received a call from The He that I posted about in Open Letter #2. I'm thinking his timing couldn't be any worse, but I answered the call anyway.

He was very sterile in his tone and said he "needed" to speak with me. After instructing him to do go ahead, I listened to his words and once he was finished, I simply said, "you do whatever you need to do, I've always told you that"; politely ended the call and went into what was the most amazing and when I tell you amazing services; I'm still doing it no justice. I digress because I didn't bring you all here to tell you that.

Anyway, The He rambled on about how he needs to take time to get his life right blah, blah, and yada, yada and said that while he was going through whatever processes he needs to, he wouldn't be contacting me. And? It's not like he was making any major contributions to my life anyway. Little did he know that I was already steps ahead on him in that department. Given that I'd written Open Letter #2 on Dec 9th, his sudden revelation was of no surprise or consequence to me; maybe that's why I didn't send it in the first place.

Whether The He realizes it or not, I have the spirit of discernment and while I once put it on the curb and drove away from it like I was abandoning an unwanted puppy, I've since gone back for it and use it wisely and use it well. My spirit had already prepared me for this day and I was neither shocked nor surprised why the words of his call. I know this man better than he obviously knows himself and I didn't need to react in any way other than the way I did.

You see, when you've come to a place of peace and contentment with yourself and your life, there isn't much that can disrupt that. I pray my strength in the Lord daily and His words and the manifestation of them keep me shrouded in a warm cloak of spiritual protection. I truly believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I know the truth of the words, "Blessed is he when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely". I've overcome far worse than The He saying he's taking "time out" from our friendship. Whatever! (Said, in my Becky voice)

I actually rejoice in that fact that I know I'd given my all as a friend and sometimes a lover to him for 14.5 years (the lover part not served concurrently), so for him to not want to include me in his life for now or forever is no big deal.

The man that I'm supposed to be with with come. I'm free and open to receive that and now more than ever, I know this to be true. I am more than happy; I'm elated! I'm free from any and all emotional bondage and there is not a damn thing anyone can do to me from hence forth that I haven't already had happen. As I said, I know from whence my strength comes.

Today's sermon came from Ephesians 3:14-21 for any of you who read the word. Not only did the scripture strengthen me, the way it was delivered fed my soul and I know that I am exceedingly abundantly good and in a wonderful place in my life.

So, in closing I can say, "you're a day late and $100 dollars short babe, because as always, I'm one step ahead. Blessings to you and your life and may the journey you're on give you the clarity you seek and may you one day finally be at peace."

Readers, I wish you all a fabulous day and may your week ahead be filled exceedingly abundantly well.


It's all possible!

Thursday’s Thoughts! (Random miscellany)

My faith and spiritual walk are in optimal condition right now

Even when I think I’m at my worst, I know God still sees me at my best

I looked back at some recent pix of myself and if I say so myself, I wear the heck out of simple black dresses.

Just so you know, there is no such thing as too many black dresses; just as there’s no such thing as too many pairs of shoes

I have aged well and gracefully compared to my high school and college counterparts

In comparison to how I was raised, I’m a damn good parent

There’s nothing more special than your child saying, “I’m proud of you mommy” and “thank you for all that you do for me”.

The view from where I stand is awesome!

Blogging again feels really good

I thank LadyLee for that. She said she missed me writing and she betted me $10 to write daily. I’m doing pretty well so far

Cleaning house and closing doors has never felt so good

Starting this year out in church was the most amazing feeling of joy and satisfaction

The New Him…mmmm!

I’m keeping my arms tightly wrapped around life and celebrating every blessed day that I have

Love! So much to say about it, but I’d rather feel it instead!

Lil Lady will be 18 this year and as mature as she is, she still knows she needs her mummy

There is going to be the most amazing and positive shift in my life within the next 5 months; I can feel it

I sometimes detour from the path, but God never leaves my side when I do

Don’t tell me; show me!

Blessed is he (she) when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely. Thank you to all my enemies, naysayers, and haters because I’m still here and doing well I might add.

Compliments are only as good as the sincerity behind them

Speak positivity into your life daily

I’m so enjoying being an example worth following


It's all possible!

Open Letter #2 - Moved on!

I actually wrote this letter in early December when I was finally transitioning out of emotional bondage into the well-deserved emotional freedom I have now. After another recent epiphany, I decided to post it. I'd previously shared it with a couple of my near and dear girls, whom immediately encouraged me to send it to The Him, but I said it wasn't really written with the intent to send it; moreso just to purge my thoughts/feelings. Well, it's a new day; a new year; a new decade; and most of all; a better me, so I'm now fully releasing this into the universe as I continue to pray that The New Him will be mine instead.

First let me preface this by saying that I am in no way bitter, angry, or any negative emotion one can think of. In fact, I’m completely lucid, emotionally liberated, and happy; very happy. Furthermore, none of this is said to hurt, insult or offend, but merely to express some things that were not previously said.

My moment of sublime emotional clarity came when I realized that while I’m the gold at the end of the rainbow, you are simply not ready for receiving what 1) has always been yours and 2) that you’re afraid to be rich with all the emotional rewards that come with being with a woman like me. Yes, I realize I sound extremely arrogant right now, but I can honestly say that I’ve very much earned that right. I’ve worked hard to be a women of amazing character; whole, sustained; and one capable of being loved fully; wholly; and loyally. I’m the woman that you bring home to your mother and say, “she’s The One!” Additionally, I’m the woman who loves her man for and in spite of his flaws who’ll not try to change him into what I want or think he should be. If I fell in love with him, then I’ve fallen in love with every piece of him good or bad.

I’m the woman who knows she’s his missing rib to make both he and her whole, but is secure enough in herself to still be able to function without him while; all the while still providing the necessary balance in his life.

Women like me will seek her continued growth, asks her man to inspire and encourage her, as she takes her many and varied walks in life. I’m the woman who’ll love and accept you at your worst and be your biggest cheerleader when you’re at your best. I’m that woman who knows that being her mans friend and partner is far more important than being his lover. She knows that there’ll be times when she will not like her man, but will love him no matter what and will use his deficits as ways to find the root problem and work toward healing and growth instead of condemning and emasculating him.

I will respect his time and space and know that just because he wants to be alone doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with me in favor of something or someone else. I will know that he needs to have his own escapes and things he enjoys without me. I will support and encourage that and know that the times when we’re together and doing things as a couple is equally important to him and us.

I’m the woman who knows she doesn’t have to compete or feel insecure because I’m secure in myself and trust that he’s with me because that’s what he wants and where he wants to be. My man will not have to fight to maintain us because we’ll have built our relationship on firm and solid ground. We’ll have built a foundation on friendship, on trust, on mutual respect, and honest communication. I’m the woman who knows when to be silent and when/how to listen.

As I said before, any man who gets me has gotten a woman who God has cleansed and made whole. He’ll find his rightful partner and will honor and cherish me as his friend, his partner, and his Queen. He’ll know without a doubt that he’s made the right choice and will do nothing to inflict harm in any form to me.

My life’s experiences have shown me that in order to have the man and the love I deserve I cannot and will not allow myself to settle for first place second. I must always seek to be first and wear the crown. I must not allow myself to be deluded, mistreated, or left feeling unworthy. If I can’t be where I know I’m supposed to be, then it’s best that I not be involved with any man until he knows and appreciates a woman’s worth.

Any woman who knows her worth will not need to resort to drastic measures in order to secure a man or his affections. She will simply walk tall with her head held high and know that God didn’t make her to be used or abused. She’ll know that she is a temple and that her hallowed walls are sacred and are only to be shared with a man who’ll know not to defile her, but worship her and cherish his opportunity to have been afforded such a bestowed privilege.

I am this woman. I am the all the woman I have spoken of and I shall never be anything less than that.

Of your own choosing you walked away from the very thing you want most in the world and I didn’t stop you because I know I didn’t need to. Your decision wasn’t born of a need to stop running and fight; instead of your own fear of losing a good thing. Your fear is that I’ll somehow change and you’ll not only lose the love that’s been there for you and with you without ever asking anything of you. Furthermore, you seem more content in knowing that you’ll always have that safe place to go to when your world falls apart, as it always seems to do, which is really foolish if you’re honest enough to think about it because if you put me in my rightful place in your life, you’d know that your fear is unwarranted.

I am the woman who knows you as you know yourself and in some ways moreso. I’m the woman whom you trust implicitly and knows will never do anything to cause conflict in your life. All the things you’ve ever wanted in a woman are here with me and yet you once again chose another. I’m beyond confused how you can quantify that, but that’s your call. You can’t say you’re going to fight for something when you’ve had something right in front of you that you never had to fight for because it was yours to begin with. I’ve learned you somehow enjoy the turmoil and act of the fight. Fighting is indicative of their being an underlying problem and you have to resort to great means to make things work. Philosophy dictates if you have to fight that hard, then it’s not working. I know my God does not want us to suffer and I know He wants us to love and be loved the right way. He makes changes in our lives for a reason; however, we tend to think we know better and in contradicting Him, we find ourselves caught up and caught out there.

Well, my dear, I live my life knowing that I’m worthy in so many ways. I live knowing that I don’t need to invest where there is no yield. I can’t and won’t live in a manner that’s not conducive to my life’s goals and desires and expect a different result. So, it’s with that thought that I can say all of what I’ve said. I can proudly say I AM THAT WOMAN! I’m God’s blessed and divine creation and He’ll not have me in a situation I shouldn’t be in.

He brought you back in my life to teach me the lesson of forgiveness, love, and friendship and I can honestly say that I’ve passed with honors. My shoulders bear no weight, my life is conflict free, and those I keep close are worthy of me as I am them. My life has endured some tough breaks, but it’s also given me plenty to live for and aspire to.

If it’s so ordained that you and I are to be more than friends, then that’s a venture I’m willing to take; maybe! However, in the mean time, I shall live life fully and happily. I will embrace each day and find the sun in spite of the rain. My life will be a series of opportunities more taken than missed as I refuse to settle in any form.

It's all possible!

A few clouds above 9

I'm experiencing this really great feeling and it's making me happier than I've felt in longer than I can even remember. I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on the Quarterback. I get giddy when I talk about him and I'm so sentimental that I keep his BBMs (BlackBerry Messanger) messages. Today his status read "she takes me to another level". Talk about make a girl feel good. He said I made his day and put a smile on his face. He has done the same for me.

I'm pleased that the attraction and feelings are mutual and while I don't know what the future holds, I hope that he'll be a part of mine.

I've prayed on this feeling and asked God to let His will be done with this. Time will tell.

It's all possible!

Open Letter #1 - Dear Self

Dear Self:

You've come from the valleys to the mountains peak and there is no turning back. You have overcome so much and your are a shining example of God's grace, favour and mercy for those who remain vigilant and faithful. You are the victory as are no longer a victim and every trial you faced, you found a triumph in it. No lesson; no matter how ugly or painful was a bad one as you learned from it and walked away with clarity and understanding.

You've embraced life and live it to it's full potential. You are a role model for those who need one and you pride yourself in your spiritual walk as you know it's the best path to be on. While you may trip or stagger; heck, you may even fall, but as long as you get back up and continue to ask Father to bless and keep you, your bruises will not last.

You are a whole, complete, and sustained woman who knows her place in this world and knows that everything done with purpose and intent on a foundation of love will flourish.

You will receive your reward and rejoice loudly and proudly with those who walk with you, hold you up when you're down, and support you. This year you will receive love in it's right form. You will be with someone who'll appreciate the woman you are and encourage you to continue to bloom in your garden of life.

Each and everyday you will seek and find the good knowing that the only reason why life is complicated is because people make it that way. You will be a part of solutions and not situations and your beauty shall continue to shine from within as that's where Father's light lives.

I love you; encourage you; cherish you; and will always take care of you.

Live this life well my dear as there is no encore.


It's all possible!

The Madness of Married Men

So, in my last post, I mentioned how I was propositioned by a married man and how I gracefully declined his oh, so generous offer to be his 1st Place Second, His Jump-Off, His Mistress, His Friend with Benefits, F*ck Buddy, or any one of the many names one can assign to someone screwing a married man.

Since declining, he has not withdrawn from engaging in conversation with me even though I clearly stated that he and I could not and would not be more than friends citing that he was cool with it. Well, news flash, he's a gosh damn liar! But who would be surprised by that given that he cheats on his wife.

Save for one conversation, he's found a way to turn everything we talk about into a sexually toned conversation. Now, I'm no prude and am clearly uncensored, so I've replied to some of his inquiries, but always deferred to the man whom I felt the query spoke to. I never, and I do; loud and clearly say, never defer anything to said married man directly or even indirectly. I tell him I have no reason to wonder what he's like in bed. I've stated that I have no desire to entertain such curiosity as it serves neither of us a purpose; yet he continues.

So, after this mornings conversation where he stated he wished he could have be available to put lotion on me and or watch me putting lotion on, I politely said, I was quite capable of performing said job all by myself.

Given that my need for cerebral stimulation far surpasses the trivial and quite frankly rather boring topic of sex, I've grown rather less than enthused with his ability to provide me with the correct form of conversational interaction that I so desire. Therefore, I shall have to "give him the biznezz", quoting my twin cuzzie who is rather adept and telling people about themselves. While I have absolutely no problem giving people the bizness, I usually try to deflect and see if they'll see the error of their ways first. Well, it's apparent that MM just isn't quite getting that I'm not interested in his need to make all conversations sexual, so he's gonna get the bizness.

I'm going to let him know in no uncertain terms that he has 2 choices 1) engage me in a respectable and dignified manner or 2) cease and desist in any future conversation with me.

I can not and will not be party to any form of conduct that could lead to my integrity to be compromised. I shall not be party to his need to be so overtly sexual that he can't have a contain himself in a dignified manner. And finally, I will not allow myself to be demeaned in any manner. I pride myself on being a classy woman and I require that I'm treated accordingly.

I wonder how he'd feel if someone were approaching his wife in the same fashion he's coming at me? Maybe I could arrange that...

And that's my dime in the bucket for today. As always, love to live; live to love!

My dime in the bucket

So, with the plethora of things going on in the news and world around me, I thought I'd voice my opinion on a few on them.

Issue #1
So, what is the deal with people who have Facebook pages, but don't have a profile pic? What kind of foolishness is that? I mean, it's call FACEbook for a reason, so one would assume that you should have your face up. Furthermore, why do people pic their childhood pix up or pix of their children. Can I tell you how much this pisses me off? I think it's frustrating, annoying, and senseless. If you don't want people to know what you look like NOW then you shouldn't have a damn FB page. Oh, another thing that I can't stand on FB are the people who put pix of themselves up when they were younger and/or more attractive. Don't they think at some point someone will want to do a face to face and then they'll be seen for who they are NOW? Ugh, the unnecessary practices people use for social networking.

Issue #2
No, Tiger Woods is not off limits either, but I'm going to come at it from a different angle. I think Elin knew that he was cheating, but played the doting wife/mother who would never think her husband would do anything like that. I think she is a sneaky little woman who played her hand and then when the proverbial hit the fan, she said, you know what, I've stuck around long enough to get a couple of crotch trophies out the deal and enough money to by a multi-million house back in her native land before the ink is dry on divorce papers. In addition, I'm sure she and at least one of the mistresses were in cahoots to scam, embarrass and extort Tiger.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning what he did, because I think people should honour their vows regardless. I think he was dumb as duck shit and picked the wrong jump offs to mess with. Rule of thumb when you're married and you decide to cheat is that you cheat with someone who has as much as if not more to lose than you do. Granted, there aren't many women who are stacking paper like Tiger is; except Oprah, but dammit, these little stank ass hoes who are saving txts and emails? Really? These tricks knew what the hell they were doing and were just waiting for their day in the tabloids. It's tricks like these that give other Jump Offs a bad rap. I'd like to slap the taste out of all of their triflin asses.

I'm not proud to admit this, but back in my youth, messed with someone's husband, but I made sure I never got pregnant, knew, understood, and respected the rules of engagement, and I damn sure wouldn't put myself in the position where she could put me on blast or where I would use the situation to my gain. Yes, he was someone high profile.

Tiger picked the wrong women and his game of being a cheater were no match for his golf game. Nuff said; moving on.

Issue #3
What is with married men thinking it's their marital right to have affairs? I was propositioned by a married man and I turned him down. It was not only the right thing to do, but I've done the 1st place 2nd thing before and I'll be damned if I ever do that again. My self worth/respect rates a lot more than that position. I'm so sick of men thinking that because they heard there was a shortage of "good black men" that we black women will settle for being the Jump Off. Sadly, I can't fully fault the men for their diminished mindset because if women didn't settle for being 1st place 2nd, then the married men wouldn't have pause to pursue.

I'm also annoyed by the fact that they think they're even good men. How are you married, happily or otherwise, but nonetheless still married, a good guy when you're breaking your vows, compromising your home life and creeping around with another woman; or men in some cases?

Well, that's my Dime in the Bucket for the night.

Enjoy your holidays people and as always love to live; live to love!

Gateways, portals, and other life exits/entrances!

I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "when one door closes; another one opens", but how many truly believe that? How many look for; or see that there is a blessing with the closing of one door and the anticipation of waiting for another to open? Honestly, I don't think many of us do. Many get immediately dispondent and think that the world as we know is going to come to an end.

It's a known fact, that God does not give us more than He knows we can handle and if we don't handle it, it's not His fault, but ours for having little faith in His word, comfort, and direction. In the many trials I've been through in my life, the one thing I never did was cry the blues or think "woe, is me". While I might not have been able to understand the trial as I was going through it, I never gave up on my faith that I'd come out on top; or at least through to the other side.

In the recent months, I've been the recipient of prayers answered and I realized it was because I allowed doors to both open and close. I realized that I must reconcile with things and people in order to complete the cirlcle and be the receiver of the blessing yet to be shown. There were doors that seemed like they'd be impossible to close and/or walk through; however, I did by remaining prayerful and faithful.

In a world where it's so easy to quit, blame others, or hide behind what seems comfortable, I know I can not be that person. I won't be ostrich like and bury my head in the sand, while claiming that the events in my life are a series of unfortunate acts. Every experience is a good experience as far as I'm concerned because all good is nothing without having the bad to appreciate it.

In a recent turn of events in my life, I rested on my gut instinct that what I was going through was in fact a blessing in disguise. In spite of the shock, I trusted that I would be okay and that I would be victorious. I allowed the door to close, took time to clear and ease my mind, body, and spirit, and now am reaady to walk through the opening door and receive all that is to come to me. The door wthat will now open for me will be filled with even more reward than I'd gotten previously and I'll be in a position to be and do more with myself and my life. So, to those who thought their way was better than His way, well, know that you can't box with God and His armour of protection remains steadfast around those who trust and believe in Him and His word. I give thanks and praise to my Heavenly Father for instilling His grace, mercy, and favor upon me.

With each day, I grow stronger in so many ways and I do not take anything for granted. As I prepare for my 41st year to end, I look back with happiness and gratitude for the doors that closed and those that opened for me. In review, I know that each one was a intrical part of continuing my growth. Over the course of the next 37 days, I will walk in and out of a few more doors and on the 38th day, I'll welcome in my new year; and will walk through that door with pride that I've made it one more year.

Love to live; live to love!

A tagged confession, Parts 1 &2

I was tagged by QueenBee for the Blame Tara Meme

Part 1

Who is the hottest movie star?
Well, Denzel Washington immediately comes to mind, so I'll have to go with that. He's sexy, talented, versatile and he could be my leading man any day; any time.

Apart from your house/car, what is the most expensive thing you've ever bought?
I bought myself a huge sapphire and diamond ring for my 3oth birthday

What is your most treasured memory?
The day I met Achilles Heel

What is the best gift you ever received?
A plane ticket to Jamaica

What is the biggest mistake you ever made?
Not pressing charges

Four words that describe you?
Free-spirited, honest, faithful, loving

What is the highlight and lowlight of 2008?
Highlight - taking a leap of faith
Lowlight - unncessary drama

Favourite film?
Oh dear! I don't think I can limit that...pass!

Tell me one thing I don't know about you?
I clean my nails while I'm driving

If you were a comic book character, who would you be?
Wonder Woman, but The Hulk runs almost neck and neck

Part 2...Talking About Love
Pick your artist: Maxwell

Are you male or female - This Woman's Work

Describe yourself - Fortunate

How do you feel - Changed

Describe where you currently live - Urban Hang Suite

If you could go anywhere, where would you go - For Lover's Only

Your favourite form of transportation - Ascension

Your best friend is - Noone

Your favourite color is -Black

What's the weather like - Cold

Favourite time of the day - Eachhoureachsecondeachminute

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called - Sumtin Sumthin

What is your life to you - Gettin to now Ya

Your relationships - Reunion

Your fear - Symptom Unknown

What is the best advice you have to give - Help Somebody

If you could change your name, what would it be - Pretty Wings

Thought of the day - Now/At the party

How would I like to die - Silently

My souls present condition - Everwanting: to wanting to want

My motto - Loveyou

Who I'm tagging...
Her Side,