preferences, comfort zones, and other like miscellany

We all have an image of what we want in the opposite sex.  We like them in various sizes, colours, shapes, and things that make us tick, but how much of it really exists in the gran'd scheme of things?  So many of us have a Criteria List and that therein lies the problem.  No, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have one; in fact I think we should as we all have standards in which we live by.  what I am saying; however, is that we shouldn't let them be the absolute factor in whether or not someone is a good match for us.

My preference is a black man who's complexion is as dark as mine or darker.  I'd like him to be at least 5' 10" seeing as i wear 3+ inch heeled shoes almost all the time.  I'd like his weight to be between 170 - 210lbs depending on his height.  A college education is not a requirement, but I'd like him to have an ability to speak with clear articulation/enunciation.  I have an affinity for men in Law Enforcement or the military over civilians. I'd like him to be socially aware, possess the ability to take control and make decision, have good family values, be secure in his own skin, and self-sustaining and ambitious in terms of fulfilling his goals.  These are some, yet not all of the things I'd like in a man, but truth be told, my getting them all would be like me sitting in a lab to create him as he is for the most part a figment of my imagination.  Yes, I want these things, but actually getting them is something I'm actually afraid of.  Why?  Because then I have nothing to look forward to.  There would be no growth process between us in the ways that it counts.  When we get what we want, we tend to not fully appreciate it as we should and in the end we sometimes find ourselves now looking for flaws instead of the things we thought we wanted in the first place.

In my current 'relationship', he is almost the polar opposite of my criteria list.  He's white, he's 10 yrs my junior, he's talented; though does not use his talents to pursue his ambitions and he's certainly not a good decision maker.  While he meets the height requirement, he does not have the weight/brawn that i like, but he is strong.

The point I'm trying to make is that even with the likes/dislikes and the things that are/aren't on my Criteria List, he and I get along very well.  We engage in some amazing conversations, we share an unusual sense of humour, our time together is well balanced, and even when we disagree, it's done with decency.  Truth be told, I'm happy that he doesn't meet many of the items on my list.  I enjoy the differences we share and how we've been able to find a good meeting place in the middle.  i find his quirkiness rather endearing and most of all, I just like him for who he is. 

I once came across the words, "I love you just the way you are; now change". It was a startling reminder of what I went through with my ex husband and how it cause so much hurt/pain in my life as I myself working to live up to the phrase.  Every now and then it resonates in my life when I'm tempted to pull my Criteria List out and feel inclined to stack the chips against it and someone I like.  I recall that unrealistic expectation, that hurt, the inability to live by someone else's image of  whom I should be.  Even though I've never intentionally wanted to hold someone by a standard, I'm sure I have in some way and for that I apologize.  But what I do know is that I can and do fully appreciate not being confined to a comfort zone.  I do still have preferences, but do not let them prohibit me from getting to know someone who's not necessarily what I think I'm looking for.  Just as I want to be accepted for who I am, I must accept others for who they are and together we just might be everything we've ever wanted.

It's all possible!

previous post stirred up some thangs!

It's bad enough Fantasia came out with that song Bittersweet, which made think of a certain someone, but in truth it did more than that.  What it did was take me for a stroll down memory lane where I recounted the many days and nights we shared.  There were some very long talks; there were some nights of passionate love making; there were some nights were we just held each other as if it was our last night together; and there were even some nights were I cursed his very existence.  In spite of it, he made and indelible mark on my life and I'm not sure there will be another like him, which is probably a good thing anyway; no one needs a replica of another person.

Our time together was life defining and an experience that at least afforded me some much needed life/love lessons on trust, endurance, faith, friendship; to name a few.  For a long time I wondered what my life would be without him in it and for a little while, I found out.  It was good for the learning curve and to force each of us to grow up in many ways.  We came back to each other as we always did; the boomerang effect, but never enough to form the commitment I used to think we should have. 

Time, distance, and honest growth has shown me that I'm okay with how things have turned out between us.  Finally letting go pf him, was the best way of holding on to me.   Truth be told, I have had a moment or two where I wanted to feel the intense draw of our chemistry; the trepidation of the kiss; and finally the passion of our love making, but that was then and this is now.  We had a good run and we're still friends, which for most isn't easy to maintain, but I'm good with where we are now.  We'll always be on the same street; just driving in different cars.

It's all possible!

own worst enemies

I'm trying; well, not really, to understand why women become their own worst enemies.  I can't for the life of me figure out why women go to such great lengths to be in a relationship with someone who has said from the start that he's not looking for a relationship.  Does she think that once the sex is laid down or she does a few nice things for him that he's going to change his mind?  News flash....he's NOT going to. 

When engaging in a FwBs type relationship, the rules of engagement have to be establish at the onset and adhered to as things progress.  Both parties typically agree that while they may spend time, have sex, and partake in whatever social activities they've agree to, but the bottom line is that NO feelings get born of the status.  While I recognize that sometimes there are things that make one get a bit emotional, the rules of engagement still need to be respected and enforced.  Nothing good comes from trying to force a relationship where there isn't one.  In addition, the boundaries of social etiquette must be clearly established and maintained also.

Nothing is more pathetic than the woman in the FwB relationsihp tossing all the rules out the window and creating her own agenda, which sadly will only leave her in the deficit anyway.  Case in point, my brother was seeing Wendy (not her real name) and it was established from the start what it was between them.  Wendy appeared to be okay with it all; however, there was things she said and did that raised flags.  I cautioned my brother to be careful as I felt she was catching feelings and was using her "kindness" as her weapon to sway him into a permanent relationship.  Fortunately for bro, his sis is a wise woman and he's always receptive to my voice of reason.  I digress...Anyway, bro as an assortment of female friends; none of whom are all sexual partners and Wendy found herself a bit jealous of that.  She had not inquired if he was having sex with anyone other than him, so even if he was, she was still in no position to contest it; save for insisting protection be use at all times.  Well, Ms. Wendy takes her lack of being able to pin my bro down, her jealously, and her insecurity to the next level.  She set up spyware on the laptop she loaned him and kept a running record of his chats and such.  She also managed to get into his personal email when his account was up and he was out of the room.  Wendy took it upon herself to send emails of Instant Message (IM) conversations to other woman.

The woman who were recipients of the emails, contacted my bro and asked him about them; though realizing that it was odd and would be inappropriate by every stretch of the imagination that he would send them.  After bro received the information, he immediately realized what had happened and was promptly pissed. 

Now, what Wendy apparently didn't take into consideration was her antics would in no way make bro want to maintain any semblance of contact with or want to get back with her; and why would he anyway? Furthermore, she's contacting women she doesn't know and they could have very easily turned the tables on her.  Her actions wreaked of all the things that made women look stupid in a mans eye; mine too.

Back in December I had a situation of Krypto's ex girlfriend calling me, but she was wise to hang up before I answered.  Being the mature AND secure woman I am, I contacted Krypto and made it abundantly clear that he handle the situation as i don't do that kind of bullshit/drama and out of respect for his and my friendship I wouldn't contact her.  After he made my feelings known, you would think that she would respect my wishes and leave me alone right?  Oh, no! Ms. Thang decided she would txt me the following morning apologizing and trying to justify her actions.  Really?  So, it was bad enough that she violated her exes (Krypto) privacy and got my number out of his phone; then she called me; and now she's txtn me?  Now, that's a bold, but really dumb chic right there, because now she's put the ball back in my court and I was about to go game, set, and match on her ass. 

After I digested the txt and gave my spirit room for pause, I called her.  I told her; without having to raise my voice or letting Ebonica loose, that I was not the one to play with and that I was firm in my not wanting her to contact me in any way.  I went on to tell her that her insecurity was not my issue and that whatever issues she had she needed to work them out independent of me.  My friendship with Krypto was just that; a friendship and if she couldn't handle it, that wasn't my problem.  Once the warmth of my icy words were firmly delivered, I hung up and called him to let him know I was forwarding the txt to him and that I'd called his ex and voiced my extreme displeasure.  This is how a grown/mature/secure woman handles the futile attempts of an insecure woman.

Woman need to find their core worth, wealth, and value in and of themselves instead of using me to make them feel whole.  They need to stop with the game playing, the creation of relationships that don't exist, and most importantly contacting women whom they feel is a threat to them.  While in theory they may feel their actions are justified, they often quickly see how the practicality of it all is pretty sad and pathetic.  My final thought on the situation is as the adage goes, "if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". 

It's all possible!

Thoughts on women redux

After talking to the boys about why they're still single, this is what they told me...

If women spent more time fixing their own problems instead of talking about other women, they'd be much better off.

Stop saying you want a man who has this or that, but you have nothing of substance to bring to the table.

If a man cheated on his wife with you, what makes you so special that he won't do it to you?

If a man does not take care of the children he already has, why would you have a child with him?

Tattooing a man's name on your neck/breast does not make you his wife/woman

It's okay be single; really

Sleeping with a man does not constitute a relationship

Know the rules before you play the game

Just because you have a good job, can cook, and f*ck like a porn star means nothing if there is no real depth to your personality

Seeing a man because he has a good job, lives in a nice home,  and dresses well doesn't make him the Right Man; he's still just a man

Woman should not be afraid of being a woman, but instead embrace it, live it, and be proud of it

Stop being acting like you don't need a man when you're doing all kinds of things to get a man

Woman can't press a man about being on the down low if they're not forthcoming about their sexual history

If you suspect a man is gay; he just might be.  Trust your instincts and walk away!

You can not fix a man

Learn to listen and let the man speak

There were many more things that were said, but I'll save them for another time

It's All About Him :-)

December 28th 2009 is now a historic day for me

Thinking of him makes me smile

Hearing his voice is soothing/comforting

Knowing the feeling is mutual is amazing

Distance can’t erase what I feel inside

This is an awesome feeling

I prayed and claimed him as mine

I get giddy when I speak about him

I’m so happy I’m not longer stuck on stupid with the other him

The song ‘He Is’ by Heather Headley makes me think of him

The song for his ring tone is ‘A Kiss to Remember’ by Pamela Williams


It's all possible!

Question of the day?

If you, male or female got involved with someone while they we in a relationship or marriage with someone else, do you think you could trust them to be in a committed relationship with you should their other relationship/marriage fell apart?

I’ve been thinking about this question for quite some time and the more I thought about it, the more I felt it would make for a good topic of blog conversation.

From my own experience, I can’t see how any good can come of a relationship that was built on lies, dishonesty, and distrust. I married my ex-husband who was married when I started dating him and he ended up cheating on me. I never thought it would happen as we’d been through so much together and it was truly one of those cases where he stayed married for the kids, but that’s still no excuse. He had to lie and sneak around to be with me, so what made me think I was so special that when push came to shove, he wouldn’t treat me in kind to how he treated his ex-wife?

I know someone who got her current husband the same way and I’m sure not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about that. Why? Because given that this woman does not have to work, has two wonderful children, lives in an estate home, drives a luxury car, and whose husband earns enough to take them on nice vacations etc on his high 6-figured income; she’s still unhappy. Why? Because when your husband travels for business, you find yourself wondering if he’s messing around. Why? Because he used to mess around on with you while he was married to his ex-wife.

There is a very fine line between fidelity and infidelity and it’s one that we must tread upon lightly. I don’t think that everyone is going to cheat and many haven’t, but I’m sure it’s fair to say, that there are many who’ve thought about it.

Given that I’ve partaken in it, I can’t call the kettle black by saying there are justifiable reasons for it, so from what I’ve been through; no good can really come of it.

Now, you’ve heard what I have to say; your turn!


It’s all possible!

Standards

Men – Do you routinely practice acts of chivalry? I’m defining it as, doing things for woman that could have been taught in “charm” school or that are considered old school/traditional behavior. Do you have a problem opening doors, being prompt, allowing the woman to go first; things of that nature? How many of you still believe in the fine art of courting and dating? Yes, it’s a given that you might sex; hell, we want it too, but are you willing to wait for it?

Women – Do you routinely accept or expect this kind of behavior? Are you willing to allow the man to lead, to do kind things without thinking he has an agenda, and would you reciprocate in kind? Do you also believe in the art of being courted and dated? Are you willing to wait for sex?

Why am I asking this? Well, as a strong, independent, and assertive woman, I still appreciate and sometimes expect those traditional/chivalrous values. I carry myself in a ladylike manner and expect to be treated accordingly. I thoroughly enjoy being treated like a lady. I still hold an appreciation for the traditional values that don’t seem to be taught in our homes and society these days. How can we expect our children to know how to act if they’re not taught?
We need to get out of the habit of thinking sex or attraction equals the making of a good relationship. We need to seek substance, good and consistent qualities and not think that because he looks good on paper, makes him a good mate. Think about the character Blair Underwood played in Madea’s Family Reunion who from the outside was the perfect catch; meanwhile he was beating chicks ass often. Instead of Mr. Looks Good on Paper, why not consider Mr. Cable Guy who can fix ish around the house, listen to you when you’ve had a bad day, instead of beating your ass at the end of it.

Men, I’m asking you to stop treating woman as disposable objects and consider how you’d feel if some dude was doing that very same thing to your mother, sister, or daughter. I’m asking you to see beyond the fat ass and tig ol bitties! Look for her heart and her entire being. Find her core and share yours with her.

In speaking with a man who not only routinely, but proudly treats women in a polite and respectable fashion, he advised me that some women do not like it or understand it. I looked at him like, “are you serious?” In a day and age where women are often complaining there are no real men still in the world, here one is and he’s being under appreciated. He said, there was an occasion where he took a woman to a formal function and she didn’t know how to use the various utensils. On another occasion he said, the woman he was out with asked him what he wanted/expected because he was treating her in such a nice way. Can you believe such a thing? Sadly we can, because women have and continue to sell themselves out for dinner, a bill payment, or something material thing. I thought it was a shame that a woman would even think like that. But I guess it’s the times we live in where everything comes with a price.
If, as a man or woman don’t know how to receive this treatment, speak to someone you know who has a good relationship and ask for some advise. Let’s all stop hiding behind walls to so-call protect ourselves and instead work with and for each other to bring the walls down. Let’s start with the root and work upward from there. Let’s have real and honest dialogue and get to know the real person behind the suit, overalls, nice car, home, or whatever gets you so easily caught up and distracted.

Personally, a man who opens/holds doors, escorts me under an umbrella, has good table manners, engages in good and interactive conversation is wonderful. No, it’s not just about sex, it’s simply about being polite and respectable. As ladies, we should learn to accept and appreciate that there are men who still uphold these values and show him that we enjoy it. Remember it’s the simple things that carry the most weight. My brothers, please learn these things if you haven’t already and my sisters, allow a man to lead and show him you are thankful that he’s treating you like a lady and not like a bitch or ho.

My brothers and sisters, there is no harm in being single and wear that title proudly. You still as empty after hooking up as you were before you did it, so consider how much you’re really getting for what you’re giving. Temporary gratification is no match for long term reward/satisfaction. I was celibate for almost 3 years once before and I’ll do it again before I use myself as a cum dumpster in the name of sexual independence.

Let’s get out there and teach our children and our neighbours the value of self-worth/respect. Hell, let’s check our peers and help them see the error of their ways. We can’t help each other if we talk about them instead of too them. I know what you’re saying, “they’re grown, they’re gonna do what they wanna do”. Yes, that could very well be true, but consider that this could be simply learned behavior because no one taught them any better or they didn't have any real examples to follow.

Let’s try to think outside the box luvies and start doing things to uplift ourselves in order to have relationships of substance. Remember this though, you can’t ask for something of another if you’re not right with yourself first.


It's all possible!

What One Dance Can Do

I know; I know! I'm taking too long between posts. It's not intentional; trust me, but I've got something that will take your mind of my absense. Enjoy...

Conjoined like Siamese twins we move in one motion
Feeling the energy ignited by a rhythmic dance
Awakening the wave coursing through our bodies

Sexual arousal emits as topical penetration ensues
Thrusting us closer to the errant climb of desire
Lust; the effervescent high supplying the fuel

Intoxicated by the sweet elixir of our kiss
We submit to the passion created and act with abandon
Cementing the connection into a cosmic oral bliss

© Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; Live to love

On loving ourselves

The following was borne of something I wrote to a friend. Some parts have been removed as it was directed toward her; however the story could relate to any one of us.

Your own dysfunctional relationship with your mother made it subconsciously easy for you to overcompensate for her shortcomings by being 1) an excellent mother yourself and 2) your desire to mother others and shelter them from harm. This ideology is in fact quite harmful as it subjects you both to a relationship that is ill-balanced and it compensates one dysfunction for another.

"We create a space for healing when we exercise the courage to look at how our own anger and resentment make us withhold love and behave badly".^p134

Although he can say he loves you, his actions are not affirmations of said love. He fails to see that fueling power of his emotions is anger based and while he is actually capable of giving love; there's a fine line between his anger and his love. His verbal love is short lived when something disrupts his perceived comfort zone. And the fact that his life has been centered around you; with little or no personal/social outlets that his for/about him, it makes it even easier for angry outbursts to occur. The role of alcohol in his life will also fuel the pre-existing fire that resides within.

"It's easy to fall into the trap of depending on others for the love, understanding, and admiration we all crave, rather than creating them in our relationship with ourself, and brining the joy in self-fulfillment to our partnerships. When joy is missing in our life, it's missing in our relationships, in our homes, and communities".^p135

It's on this premise that he resides. He seeks what he lacks within himself in and from you. He puts you on a pedestal and showers you with what he is should be giving to himself. His lack of self love and trust gets over compensated in the relationship and when you demonstrate your independence; it disrupts his world, and because he thought that you should return in kind; is now compromised. He feels that because he has made you his personal trophy that you should likewise to do the same. This is a classic mode of operation for a hurt soul.

"Even when parents and partners do terrible things, they are just trying in unskillful ways to make their lives work". ^P135

And it's in this vein that he must seek to improve his life/circumstances or he will always be in a perpetual state of discourse and cause said discourse in the lives of those they claim to love.

"Not every couple that gets together is meant to stay together. When you're not where God wants you to be, life shakes you up so you'll move to a better place". ^P135

It's at that point of discovery when the leaving party must assess themselves to see what, when, why, and how there are finding themselves in relationships that follow a repeated or repeatable negative pattern. This tends to be a hard concept to many to accept that fact/knowledge even when we know without a shadow of doubt it's true. We still strive to find some shred of evidence that says we should find a way to keep this person in our life. While this is a noble concept; it's still a self-deluding one. When we refuse to let someone go, we're not only holding ourself back, we're holding the other back too because we're putting a road block in an essential growth element in both parties development. . "Growth mean change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown" ^{The Shack} To many are afraid of the unknown to venture out; however without this risk, there will be little or no room for growth and the opportunity for change is greatly reduced; thus, leaving you in the same crippled mind frame.

For love; real love of self before another to manifest, a thorough cleansing and healing must occur. "broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them."
^{The Shack}

Relationships; good or bad are an intricate part of the journey we take in life and for many; we all seek to love and be loved; however, when we lack the proper tools to do so, we fail miserably. We all imagine ourselves to be whole and able; however, it's what we do and not always what we say that tells the real story.

"We may be masterful at deceiving ourselves, but in all intimate interaction the unresolved feeling and fears we may have buried will surface".^p137

A spiritual relationship must become an intrinsic part of one's journey to true awareness and wholeness. The Divine created us; it's at the core of us and it's through that relationship that we will have a real idea and connection to what real love is. We have to trust in Divine Love in order to establish Loves Divine. Reaching deep within and offering oneself to the source of love establishes faith and trust in The One who'll always be there to guide our path.

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading" ^{The Shack}

"For something to move from death to life, you must introduce something living and moving into the mix". ^{The Shack}

If this sacred interference does not occur, all past hurts (death) will always have more power/control over any living relationship and the love will never truly be love at all. The emotional demons must be excised from the recesses of our emotional core in order for the wellspring of love to thrive as a living entity.

"We're operating with negative feelings brought from another time and place, associated with a whole separate set of issues. We can't create anything good with leftovers from the past". ^P140

It's important to go back and address the issues of the past as it's the only way to prevent history from repeating itself; however, once that journey has been made, the past must be left very much in the past. The present is an extremely sacred and palatial place and can only be well-lived when the past's portal is closed. Progressive move to the present has to be self-lived. No one can make it happen for anyone else. Each person has to want his/her own loving environment and know not only how to create it, but to sustain it. Without the ability to love who we are, there is truly no way to love another. No one is responsible for our well-being but us.

"When we're sweet on ourselves; we're sweet on others. From an unhappy place, nothing satisfies. From a happy place, common sense prevails. We see clearly that we were born to love, not judge, and that it's not our job to fix anyone but ourselves". ^P140

NOTE: All page number references come from the book, All About Love, by Susan L. Taylor. The remaining references were taken from The Shack.

Love to live; live to love!

A what I know for sure moment...

The expression, "when someone shows you who they are, pay attention" reigns supreme in how I decide your role in my life. As I've previously said, I take friendships seriously and am fully committed to their maintenance and sustainment once entered into. What I will not do is make excuses for ones behaviour and allow said person to run a mock in my life with words that have no supporting action.

I allowed, what I thought would be a fun and engaging friendship to form in my life, which to its credit did start out on good footing; however, over time it's become something that fails to resemble a friendship at all. I do understand the complexities of platonic vs. intimate relationships when it involves the opposite sex, but with careful, open, honest, and real communication, a balance can be established; however in this instance it did not.

I established from day one that I was not ready for an intimate relationship and that I wanted to chill and hang out. No, I'm not talking about Friends with Benefits (FWBs), just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company. He said, he was cool with that and was able to chill with me on equal ground...JUST FRIENDS! Suffice it to say, he caught feelings and an abrupt left turn in Albuquerque promptly followed.

Given that I actually gave a damn about him and our newly formed friendship, I called to inquire about his sudden change of behaviour and lack of communication. We discussed it and I suggested that he take whatever time out he needed, but effective communication still needed to be a place holder as NO relationship can be sustained without it. He agreed!

Weeks past and then months, and I found myself the recipient of his talk, with no action. This is a no-no in my books and borders on being a deal breaker. I have no time for settling because it appeases someone's hypersensitivity as its taxing and toxic. I once again, expressed my concerns over his behaviour and lack of actions and was given this long; drawn out explanation, which quite frankly sounded like sugar-coated shit disguised as candy. I'd had enough!

He picked the wrong time of year and the wrong woman to think that syrupy sounding words, frosted with whipped bullshit, and sprinkles of "but I love you and miss you" that sound more like profanity instead of words of affection would actually woo me. There is nothing worse than hearing those words knowing that they're empty, defiled and being used as a magnet to draw me back in. Sorry, I'm 1) not that pressed for affection, 2) easily swayed by words that are just words, and 3) in need of a friendship that really isn't a friendship at all.

I've come to the conclusion that he showed me pretty early on who he was and initially he was genuine; and in fact may very well still be; however, just because he's a good person; doesn't make him good for me. Our friendship was ill-matched and laden with things that would escalate from one deal breaker to another. What I know for sure is that no amount of honesty on my part could have prepared me for the position I ended up putting myself in when I realized that his feelings were manifesting. In spite of trying to maintain communication, it's obvious he's not used to the kind of woman I am and doesn't see how important communication is in any and all relationships.

One last thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to settle for someone/thing that doesn't bode well in my life. Nostalgia has no place in what it really means to have a functional friendship. Red flags are not to be ignored. If the issue can be mitigated; then I'm all for it and am willing to forge on; however, when the flag continues to fly high, it's time to walk away....And so it is and so shall it be!

Love to live; live to love!

Hateration!!

I was at a party this past weekend and was so ready to serve up a smorgasbord of the above picture to the women in the house. Why? Because there was no need for all the visual hateration I was getting. I give props to all the full-figured women who sported their mini dresses, low cleavage tops, and very tight pants for their confidence. Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it they say.

Now, I'm 5' 7" barefoot. I wear 3-4 inch heels almost daily and 5 when I'm really feeling it. I weight between 145-150, have a 29 inch waist, and am considered fit by all health standards. I can comfortably fit clothes in single digits from the Juniors department and am damn sure proud of being able to maintain my body at almost 42 years old.

I don't make a habit of coming off as "all that" because I'm not "all that" as beauty is subjective, but let's just say, I; for the most part am not lacking for attention. I walk with an air of confidence because I am confident in myself, but am far from arrogant or conceited. Anyway, while at this party, the women looked at me like they wanted to throw me off the boat. Why? That's yet to be determined, but let's say it's safe to assume that my outfit was commanding all kinds of attention from both the men and women. I chose it because I was comfortable in it and also because I knew it would be hot on the boat. I didn't wear it because I was seeking attention as the haters might think.

My point of this is that I'm sick and tired of women giving me the side eye or mean mugging me because they think I think I'm all that. I also am sick of being visually criticized because I'm wearing something they wish they could have. Now, as I said before, if the full-figured women can sport their (sometimes inappropriate) outfits, then why can't I? I'm not going to start wearing a Burkha because someone is jealous or envious of me, my clothes, or my figure.

So, here's what I looked like...

Love to live; live to love!

it's in his/her kiss

If anyone had heard the conversation Lil Lady and I were having the other day, they would not have thought a 17 y/o would have been conversing with her mother; but we're cool like that and talk about anything. So, what were we talking about? Kissing!

I've had a long-standing philosophy that if you can't kiss, you can't f*ck! It's something I determined in my late teens after I'd broken up with my high school boyfriend, whom while an arse hole, was in fact a great kisser and good lover. He was the only man I'd known and having been with him for two years (16-18), I'd learned a fair amount about sex and intimacy.

During my freshman year of college, I had a crush on a basketball player. He was tall, cute, nice body; all the things a young woman wants in a man, but when it came to kissing, he was awful. I felt like an algae fish was on my face. I got no sparks; nada, zilch, zip, zero. I figured it was a fluke as we were both a little nervous, so I let it slide. The next time I kissed him, it was an immediate replication of the first and I decided that he would not be a suitable match for me. I promptly ended my interest in him. I reconciled myself to not dating and keeping books and my frequent trips to NYC as my priority. Some time later, a young lady expressed an interest in said baller and asked if I was still seeing him. I told her no and she asked why. I cited that we were incompatible and left it at that. She pressed for details, inquiring if he was a jerk, insensitive, etc. Wanting to spare sullying his name, I tried to maintain a generic reason, but she again pressed, so I told her he couldn't kiss. She seemed stunned that that would be a reason and I told her my philosophy and one that has been confirmed by myself and others to be true. I told her she was willing to do whatever she wanted with my information; save for telling him my actual reason (which he never knew).

She began dating him and that ended maybe a couple of months after we'd spoken. I wasn't aware it was over when I inquired and she immediately told me that I was right. Duh? Really? Of course I didn't say that to her, but you know I thought it. She said, his kisses were wet and sloppy and his sex was equally awkward and messy. She'd gone as far as to inquire (casually) about his skills with a couple of other girls (he was an upperclassman) and they likewise said he wasn't "all that" or a "disappointment". She told me that she now wishes she'd listened to me and would add my philosophy to her repetoire of deal breakers when seeking a relationship.

Okay, story told for history. Now to my point...

It really is in how a man kisses that you know whether or not you want to go any futher. His kiss will tell you many things and if you can see past worrying about his hurt feelings for you prematurely ending your interest in him, you'll agree that he probably would have been lousy in bed. I've shared my view with my boys and other males that I know and they, too are in compliance. Kissing is the gateway to sex and intimacy. In fact, kissing is the greatest form of intimacy; hence, why prostitutes do not kiss on the mouth. Did you think they didn't do it for no reason?

Now, think back to some bad kisses in your day and you'd slept with any of them, was the sex bad? You don't need to name names; we respect the privacy of others and will protect the orally challenged. *lol*

All jokes aside though, if my 17 y/o who's kissed two boys in her entire precious life knows this, then there is something to be learned here. Please don't think you can 'train' someone how to kiss as you're only going to get frustrated and ultimately lead them to thinking they're actually able to be a match for you. Remember two good people aren't always good together. Chemistry is a powerful tool and something that can not be manufactured. Imagine being in the height of sexual emotion and arousal and whom you're with kisses you and it's all sloppy and ish and it skunks your entire groove? That would be like someone bumping the turntable and the vinyl skipping. That's a bad look as the whole party is now shut down.

I've been fortunate to respond quickly and efficiently to ending kisses that aren't favorable and as previously stated, found a way to end the progression of the relationship before I had the misfortune of having my sexual experience turn into a disaster. I think of one person in particular who's got kissing on lock and damn if he didn't ever prove his worth in that kiss. I promptly and well-deservingly assigned 'Kiss of Life' as his theme song because that kiss was truly like my kiss of life. To date he's managed to maintain his Hall of Fame status and that's one hell of an achievement on his part.

So, my PSA and lesson learned for the day is...Kiss and tell...tell him/her that there are incompatibilties that will not aspire to a good progression of the relationship if that's the direction you're heading in. It's better to be honest and roll out than to stick it out and settle for less than stellar intimacy; that's just not a good thing. However, if kissing ain't your thing, then you go ahead and do you in however you see fit; cause I'm not one to knock what is acceptable to another. Just don't bring that sloppy ish my way!!!!


Love to live; live to love!

PSA - Stop playing yourself!

So, I'm in a convo with one of my boys and he tells me about an incident with a chic and now she's acting all d*ck sprung. First, let me say, my boy's actions are not and were not condoned by me as I'm not one to promote cheating, but it was a one time affair and after cussing him out and punching him a time or two (wanted to Chris.Brown him), but I forgave him.

Story #1...Chic tells my boy that she wants to be with him. Not just in the bed, but in general. She cited that he was good and they did things that her Boyfriend hasn't done, and now she's got the desire to want to be with him. I go into immediate ballistic mode and am all kinds of ticked off. It's bad enough they both cheated on their S.Os, but chic has the presense of mind to think that justifies them both leaving their S.Os to take up with each other. HUH? Really? Chic knows little about my boys personality, habits, pros/cons, but she's wants to be with him. My anger increases.

We continue to talk and I tell him my slew of reasons why this scenerio is so wrong.

1) Given that their interaction was nothing more than a jump off, how is that breeding grounds for a permanent or stable relationsip?

2) If her dude isn't breaking her off right, then she needs to talk to him about it and find ways to improve their sex life and not run out there to get it from someone else

3) What makes her think she's got something or is doing something his girl isn't or hasn't?

4) She needs to exact a little self-respect and not think that she's all that because they had good sex. Good sex doesn't make anyone a good partner in other areas.

5) How would she feel if her dude did what she did and is throwing himself at some other chic?

6) How can she think that he'd have any grounds to trust her or properly respect her if she slept with him while she has a man and is now basically begging for the d*ck?

7) Does she think this is proper etiquette for a women nearing 30 to have?

Now, keep in mind that I'm not siding with my boy as he's doing his damndest to keep chic at bay, and was dead wrong for what he did; but he's not going to leave his girl for the jump off and knows she's not what he's looking for in a girlfriend anyway.

This is the kind of behavior that screams desperation, insecurity, immaturity, and stupidty. What woman in her right mind conducts herself like this and thinks that a man is going to find that attractive? I'm sure there are actually plenty, but speaking for my secure and mature sisters, we ain't getting down like that. This girl is setting herself up to get laid and played and nothing more if this was how my boy wanted to do her; or any other man for that matter. Fortunately, he's not inclined to treat women like that and is trying to distance himself from chic, but she sure isn't making it easy.

Story #2
This girl is also d*ck sprung and while she's been told on numerous occasions that what they had is over, she's still trying to find ways to get back in. Homegirl found a way to initiate conversation with my boy and as I forewarned him she would, is now trying to get him in bed. Fortunately, they don't reside in the same state, but she's the kind that would travel for the d*ck. Now, I'm not knocking a sister from seeking out what's good, but he's NOT hers; he's NOT single, and he DOESN'T want her, so why can't she get this through her head? I've had some good d*ck in my day that had me crossing state lines at a moments notice, but I sure as hell didn't beg or play myself for it. I've had low self-esteem, but never no/low self-respect.

Homegirl tried to flip the situation and make it seem like he was a punk or whatever for not responding the way she'd hoped he would, but that's her dumb ass fault for playing herself. She knows he has a girl and doesn't plan on leaving her.

Women, I've got to say this...PLEASE STOP PLAYING YOURSELVES!!!! You know who you are, you know you're doing it, and you need to stop. Find your self-esteem, self-respect, and stop reducing yourselves to the sum of your parts. No, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get yours and hell, I'm all for a woman exercising her right to be sexually fulfilled, but stop doing it with someone else's man. Stop begging for the d*ck or playing yourself out for it as you'll be the same women who'll send out inivitation to your Male Bashing Party and wait for other women like you to R.S.V.P so you can cry the blues and get drunk off your Haterade.

Contrary to what you might have heard, men don't really find this practice attractive or favorable. You are seen for and treated as the desperate women that you are. Granted, he might treat you well for the moment or whatever he does, but trust me; cause my boys done told me, that they really aren't into you like that. They're men and for the most part won't turn down some p*ssy. They're gonna beat it up, freak you out, and do whatever tricks you allow them to do (their words; not mine) because you let them and they're not leaving their girls for you. You'll become the subject of conversation where you're talked about with such distain that you'd hide yourself in a closet for days after hearing; just like my boy and I did.

Now, I'm not sitting on a morality pedastal and thinking I'm holier than thou because that's certainly not the case. I'm speaking on a situation that needs to be spoken about. I'm exercising the voice that some women need to hear. I think it's important for us as women to recognize and value our worth. Men will treat you the way you allow them to. I repeat, MEN WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM TO. If you set the precedence of f*cking a men without really knowing anything about him, then you've set the stage for how you'll be treated. Here and there, there are exceptions to the rule; however, those are some rare occassions.

Men, I know you're gonna rarely turn down the opportunity for a quick roll, but think about the after effects of what you're doing. Consider that chic might go loco on you, key your car, call your crib or even show up to do damage to your relationship. She could do any number of crazy things because she's now a woman scorned, hurt, and rejected. Trust me, I know you know it's not worth it, so man up and do the hard thing; which more often than not is actually the right thing; and turn her down. Don't allow yourself to become the sum of your parts. There's no sex worth that much drama over.

Women, as I said before, please stop treating yourself with little or no respect and expect to get respect/ed. Yes, by all means get your sex on, but don't play yourself for it. Stop sleeping with someone else's man. Value yourself enough to be more than a hit and run.

PSA over...

love to live; live to love!

Empowering women

I came across this quote and wanted...no, needed to share it with my female readers. Actually, men can appreciate it too and share it with the women in their lives so they too can be empowered. Too often women are being referred to as hoes, bitches, dimes, or some other term that somehow demeans us and it's not cool. Our daughters, nieces, sisters; even mothers need to elevate themselves and the other women they encounter. I want you all to forward this quote to women you want to empower and to men who have women they too want to empower. Unfortunately, I don't know who said it, so please at least give it an "anon" when you forward it. K? Thanks!

"A wise girl knows her limits. But a great girl knows she has none"
--Anon

Stay blessed and have a great weekend.