It's been five years since I was in a relationship and the time off has been quite an experience; good, bad, and whatever. I've learned so much about myself, seen life through very different eyes, and finally came to a place of peace that I wasn't sure I'd get to; however, I did and boy am I happy I have.
Since the end of July 2008, I began dating; something I'd never done in my past. Seeing that I was a serial monogamist and a 'late bloomer', the initial thought of seeing different people seemed a rather odd and lofty adventure on my part. Given that I'm blessed to have some amazing friends in my life, they guided me through the process and I entered the very new world of dating and to my surprise; found that I actually enjoyed it. I liked having options, the ability to venture into various activities that I may not have if I'd been in a monogamous relationship, and I just like having the liberty of just being free.
While I'm liberal to some degree with sex, the thought of being sexual with multiple partners was out of the question. The one I saw with the most frequency was the one I slept with, and kept things topical with the others. Over time, I began weening as I refused to stay on the ride, when the momentum was gone and I didn't want to send mixed signals.
Ready....When I finally called it quits altogether and entered back into my single and celibate state. In the process, I'd finally and completely gotten over Kyrpto, which was an emotional expenditure that had long since run its course. The friendship with Heart's Desire had grown exponentially and I felt that's definitely where I wanted to be. Truth be told, I'd fallen for him, which in and of itself was a celebration to pale July 4th as it had taken 14 1/2yrs to me to actually feel that way about anyone else; to include my ex husband. I was willing to see where that could go until there was a left turn in Albuquerque and had to put that idea on the back burner. It didn't end my feelings for him, but it did make me not regret my decision to be celibate again, which lasted almost four days shy of four months when I saw him again. It was once again, another wonderful experience, another step in the direction of feeling that I was ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Through him, I saw that part of me that In some ways, I'd missed in the five year relationship break I'd been on.
Set...So, there it was, me single once again. I decided it was best that I remain single and not date. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to ensure that my heart was in fact ready, and that I would be open and receptive to a potential relationship.
Nope...As if like cosmic amusement, I found myself in a completely unexpected and accidental FwB (Friends with Benefits) relationship. Unlike one I'd entered into before, this one came very well equipped with all the friendship I needed to make put us in a non-balanced place. Neither of us expected what had happened and neither of us regret the decision to continue as we still tried to figure out how we'd even gotten involved.
He was given the moniker of The Accidental Playmate; The Playmate for short. Neither of us are currently employed, so we have a lot of time to do things we might not have being employed. We call the time we share together play dates, which in some cases are just that. As I said, we don't always reduce our shared time to just sex. We go out and about, we watch movies and discuss the plot; sometimes we just sit and talk, and he's been a great source of strength and comfort during this time with me settling my daughter's fathers estate. The Playmate has brought a level of balance to my life at a time when I needed a friend; intimacy, and most of all NO STRESS/DRAMA. We completely and totally respect each other and make no demands for anything the other isn't willing or able to give.
For a while, I was completely sure that I was Ready and Set for emotional permanence, but it's pretty obvious that I'm not and you know what? I'm very much okay with that!
It's all possible!
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
17 May 2010
05 May 2010
what makes me happy
Knowing and appreciating that I'm a child of God
Standing up even when I want to fall down
Seeing Lil Lady smile
Cooking and watching people eat
Playing tambourine in church
Spending time with my cousins in FL
Getting into or creating shenanigans
Hearts Desire
Being the woman i am
Waiting for love to come instead of forcing it to happen
Stolen moments
Being a blessing to others and being in a position to bless others
Hagen Daaz Five mint ice cream
Sunflowers and Calla Lillies
Being encouraged
It's all possible!
Standing up even when I want to fall down
Seeing Lil Lady smile
Cooking and watching people eat
Playing tambourine in church
Spending time with my cousins in FL
Getting into or creating shenanigans
Hearts Desire
Being the woman i am
Waiting for love to come instead of forcing it to happen
Stolen moments
Being a blessing to others and being in a position to bless others
Hagen Daaz Five mint ice cream
Sunflowers and Calla Lillies
Being encouraged
It's all possible!
14 February 2010
It's a little sweeter!
Okay, since my last post, I've been hit by more snow than a woman a should have to shovel, but oh well, the good of the bad is that my arms, shoulders and back are in optimal condition.
Thank you all for your support and such with my last post and here's an update to that.
Since, The Him's email, we've continued to communicate as friends, although some of our conversations have taken not just a left turn Albuquerque; but went up the mountain too. How? You might ask, so I shall tell...
I volunteered to update his resume as he's going through some things at work and is seeking new employment. In doing so he thanked me and I replied saying, "my pleasure" and he sighed. Naturally, I was concerned and asked what could be wrong. He replied, "nothing I can fix right now". Me being me, said some encouraging things to boost his spirits thinking it was work related. A few minutes later, he said, "thanks. lol. It's YOU!" I blushed every hue of red, realizing the impact of what he said and meant. *cue Hawa's comment about "his little experiment*!
Anyhoo, the conversation went back and forth about his feelings for me and how connected he feels to me. This line of conversation went on for almost a week and it's blatantly obvious that his feelings are like the still river running deep and it's only the distance (he's on the left coast if I didn't mention that before) that's the problem.
So, here I am with feelings deep enough to swim in and I'm cool with that. I take comfort in knowing that the feelings involved are completely mutual and his honesty makes him even more attractive. We've lyrically spoken which is another effective means of our on-going communication and that in itself is rather attractive. *cue the harps and angels*
In closing, I'll say that this is probably the best relationship I've never had and I'm enjoying every waking minute of it. It feels good to feel and it's even better to know that there's reciprocity involved. Those who are in my innermost circle are all sending positive vibes into the universe and they're all conspiring in my favour to ensure that "his little experiment" does not produce favourable results and he becomes mine; all mine and the distance will be replaced.
It's great to have such wonderful cheerleaders in my life. *high kicks and pom-poms in the air*
There you have it readers; another update in the life of Blu Jewel.
Oh, B2B how'd do you like this pic?
It's all possible!
Thank you all for your support and such with my last post and here's an update to that.
Since, The Him's email, we've continued to communicate as friends, although some of our conversations have taken not just a left turn Albuquerque; but went up the mountain too. How? You might ask, so I shall tell...
I volunteered to update his resume as he's going through some things at work and is seeking new employment. In doing so he thanked me and I replied saying, "my pleasure" and he sighed. Naturally, I was concerned and asked what could be wrong. He replied, "nothing I can fix right now". Me being me, said some encouraging things to boost his spirits thinking it was work related. A few minutes later, he said, "thanks. lol. It's YOU!" I blushed every hue of red, realizing the impact of what he said and meant. *cue Hawa's comment about "his little experiment*!
Anyhoo, the conversation went back and forth about his feelings for me and how connected he feels to me. This line of conversation went on for almost a week and it's blatantly obvious that his feelings are like the still river running deep and it's only the distance (he's on the left coast if I didn't mention that before) that's the problem.
So, here I am with feelings deep enough to swim in and I'm cool with that. I take comfort in knowing that the feelings involved are completely mutual and his honesty makes him even more attractive. We've lyrically spoken which is another effective means of our on-going communication and that in itself is rather attractive. *cue the harps and angels*
In closing, I'll say that this is probably the best relationship I've never had and I'm enjoying every waking minute of it. It feels good to feel and it's even better to know that there's reciprocity involved. Those who are in my innermost circle are all sending positive vibes into the universe and they're all conspiring in my favour to ensure that "his little experiment" does not produce favourable results and he becomes mine; all mine and the distance will be replaced.
It's great to have such wonderful cheerleaders in my life. *high kicks and pom-poms in the air*
There you have it readers; another update in the life of Blu Jewel.
Oh, B2B how'd do you like this pic?
It's all possible!
13 January 2010
It's All About Him :-)
December 28th 2009 is now a historic day for me
Thinking of him makes me smile
Hearing his voice is soothing/comforting
Knowing the feeling is mutual is amazing
Distance can’t erase what I feel inside
This is an awesome feeling
I prayed and claimed him as mine
I get giddy when I speak about him
I’m so happy I’m not longer stuck on stupid with the other him
The song ‘He Is’ by Heather Headley makes me think of him
The song for his ring tone is ‘A Kiss to Remember’ by Pamela Williams
It's all possible!
Thinking of him makes me smile
Hearing his voice is soothing/comforting
Knowing the feeling is mutual is amazing
Distance can’t erase what I feel inside
This is an awesome feeling
I prayed and claimed him as mine
I get giddy when I speak about him
I’m so happy I’m not longer stuck on stupid with the other him
The song ‘He Is’ by Heather Headley makes me think of him
The song for his ring tone is ‘A Kiss to Remember’ by Pamela Williams
It's all possible!
10 January 2010
Open Letter #3 - A Day Late!
So, this morning, just as I pulled into my church's parking lot I received a call from The He that I posted about in Open Letter #2. I'm thinking his timing couldn't be any worse, but I answered the call anyway.
He was very sterile in his tone and said he "needed" to speak with me. After instructing him to do go ahead, I listened to his words and once he was finished, I simply said, "you do whatever you need to do, I've always told you that"; politely ended the call and went into what was the most amazing and when I tell you amazing services; I'm still doing it no justice. I digress because I didn't bring you all here to tell you that.
Anyway, The He rambled on about how he needs to take time to get his life right blah, blah, and yada, yada and said that while he was going through whatever processes he needs to, he wouldn't be contacting me. And? It's not like he was making any major contributions to my life anyway. Little did he know that I was already steps ahead on him in that department. Given that I'd written Open Letter #2 on Dec 9th, his sudden revelation was of no surprise or consequence to me; maybe that's why I didn't send it in the first place.
Whether The He realizes it or not, I have the spirit of discernment and while I once put it on the curb and drove away from it like I was abandoning an unwanted puppy, I've since gone back for it and use it wisely and use it well. My spirit had already prepared me for this day and I was neither shocked nor surprised why the words of his call. I know this man better than he obviously knows himself and I didn't need to react in any way other than the way I did.
You see, when you've come to a place of peace and contentment with yourself and your life, there isn't much that can disrupt that. I pray my strength in the Lord daily and His words and the manifestation of them keep me shrouded in a warm cloak of spiritual protection. I truly believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I know the truth of the words, "Blessed is he when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely". I've overcome far worse than The He saying he's taking "time out" from our friendship. Whatever! (Said, in my Becky voice)
I actually rejoice in that fact that I know I'd given my all as a friend and sometimes a lover to him for 14.5 years (the lover part not served concurrently), so for him to not want to include me in his life for now or forever is no big deal.
The man that I'm supposed to be with with come. I'm free and open to receive that and now more than ever, I know this to be true. I am more than happy; I'm elated! I'm free from any and all emotional bondage and there is not a damn thing anyone can do to me from hence forth that I haven't already had happen. As I said, I know from whence my strength comes.
Today's sermon came from Ephesians 3:14-21 for any of you who read the word. Not only did the scripture strengthen me, the way it was delivered fed my soul and I know that I am exceedingly abundantly good and in a wonderful place in my life.
So, in closing I can say, "you're a day late and $100 dollars short babe, because as always, I'm one step ahead. Blessings to you and your life and may the journey you're on give you the clarity you seek and may you one day finally be at peace."
Readers, I wish you all a fabulous day and may your week ahead be filled exceedingly abundantly well.
It's all possible!
He was very sterile in his tone and said he "needed" to speak with me. After instructing him to do go ahead, I listened to his words and once he was finished, I simply said, "you do whatever you need to do, I've always told you that"; politely ended the call and went into what was the most amazing and when I tell you amazing services; I'm still doing it no justice. I digress because I didn't bring you all here to tell you that.
Anyway, The He rambled on about how he needs to take time to get his life right blah, blah, and yada, yada and said that while he was going through whatever processes he needs to, he wouldn't be contacting me. And? It's not like he was making any major contributions to my life anyway. Little did he know that I was already steps ahead on him in that department. Given that I'd written Open Letter #2 on Dec 9th, his sudden revelation was of no surprise or consequence to me; maybe that's why I didn't send it in the first place.
Whether The He realizes it or not, I have the spirit of discernment and while I once put it on the curb and drove away from it like I was abandoning an unwanted puppy, I've since gone back for it and use it wisely and use it well. My spirit had already prepared me for this day and I was neither shocked nor surprised why the words of his call. I know this man better than he obviously knows himself and I didn't need to react in any way other than the way I did.
You see, when you've come to a place of peace and contentment with yourself and your life, there isn't much that can disrupt that. I pray my strength in the Lord daily and His words and the manifestation of them keep me shrouded in a warm cloak of spiritual protection. I truly believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I know the truth of the words, "Blessed is he when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely". I've overcome far worse than The He saying he's taking "time out" from our friendship. Whatever! (Said, in my Becky voice)
I actually rejoice in that fact that I know I'd given my all as a friend and sometimes a lover to him for 14.5 years (the lover part not served concurrently), so for him to not want to include me in his life for now or forever is no big deal.
The man that I'm supposed to be with with come. I'm free and open to receive that and now more than ever, I know this to be true. I am more than happy; I'm elated! I'm free from any and all emotional bondage and there is not a damn thing anyone can do to me from hence forth that I haven't already had happen. As I said, I know from whence my strength comes.
Today's sermon came from Ephesians 3:14-21 for any of you who read the word. Not only did the scripture strengthen me, the way it was delivered fed my soul and I know that I am exceedingly abundantly good and in a wonderful place in my life.
So, in closing I can say, "you're a day late and $100 dollars short babe, because as always, I'm one step ahead. Blessings to you and your life and may the journey you're on give you the clarity you seek and may you one day finally be at peace."
Readers, I wish you all a fabulous day and may your week ahead be filled exceedingly abundantly well.
It's all possible!
04 January 2010
A few clouds above 9
I'm experiencing this really great feeling and it's making me happier than I've felt in longer than I can even remember. I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on the Quarterback. I get giddy when I talk about him and I'm so sentimental that I keep his BBMs (BlackBerry Messanger) messages. Today his status read "she takes me to another level". Talk about make a girl feel good. He said I made his day and put a smile on his face. He has done the same for me.
I'm pleased that the attraction and feelings are mutual and while I don't know what the future holds, I hope that he'll be a part of mine.
I've prayed on this feeling and asked God to let His will be done with this. Time will tell.
It's all possible!
I'm pleased that the attraction and feelings are mutual and while I don't know what the future holds, I hope that he'll be a part of mine.
I've prayed on this feeling and asked God to let His will be done with this. Time will tell.
It's all possible!
02 January 2010
Open Letter #1 - Dear Self
Dear Self:
You've come from the valleys to the mountains peak and there is no turning back. You have overcome so much and your are a shining example of God's grace, favour and mercy for those who remain vigilant and faithful. You are the victory as are no longer a victim and every trial you faced, you found a triumph in it. No lesson; no matter how ugly or painful was a bad one as you learned from it and walked away with clarity and understanding.
You've embraced life and live it to it's full potential. You are a role model for those who need one and you pride yourself in your spiritual walk as you know it's the best path to be on. While you may trip or stagger; heck, you may even fall, but as long as you get back up and continue to ask Father to bless and keep you, your bruises will not last.
You are a whole, complete, and sustained woman who knows her place in this world and knows that everything done with purpose and intent on a foundation of love will flourish.
You will receive your reward and rejoice loudly and proudly with those who walk with you, hold you up when you're down, and support you. This year you will receive love in it's right form. You will be with someone who'll appreciate the woman you are and encourage you to continue to bloom in your garden of life.
Each and everyday you will seek and find the good knowing that the only reason why life is complicated is because people make it that way. You will be a part of solutions and not situations and your beauty shall continue to shine from within as that's where Father's light lives.
I love you; encourage you; cherish you; and will always take care of you.
Live this life well my dear as there is no encore.
It's all possible!
You've come from the valleys to the mountains peak and there is no turning back. You have overcome so much and your are a shining example of God's grace, favour and mercy for those who remain vigilant and faithful. You are the victory as are no longer a victim and every trial you faced, you found a triumph in it. No lesson; no matter how ugly or painful was a bad one as you learned from it and walked away with clarity and understanding.
You've embraced life and live it to it's full potential. You are a role model for those who need one and you pride yourself in your spiritual walk as you know it's the best path to be on. While you may trip or stagger; heck, you may even fall, but as long as you get back up and continue to ask Father to bless and keep you, your bruises will not last.
You are a whole, complete, and sustained woman who knows her place in this world and knows that everything done with purpose and intent on a foundation of love will flourish.
You will receive your reward and rejoice loudly and proudly with those who walk with you, hold you up when you're down, and support you. This year you will receive love in it's right form. You will be with someone who'll appreciate the woman you are and encourage you to continue to bloom in your garden of life.
Each and everyday you will seek and find the good knowing that the only reason why life is complicated is because people make it that way. You will be a part of solutions and not situations and your beauty shall continue to shine from within as that's where Father's light lives.
I love you; encourage you; cherish you; and will always take care of you.
Live this life well my dear as there is no encore.
It's all possible!
30 December 2009
Last one for 2009 - All kinds of random stuff
I stopped being a martyr and emotional tampon for people. I chose self-preservation over selflessness because there are those who take it for granted.
There are far too many people who should just relinquish their parental rights because having a child does not immediately qualify you to be a parent.
The time we spend coveting what others have instead of being grateful for what we have is a complete waste of time and makes you ignorant to the fact that there are people worst off you than you think you are.
Alcohol on an empty stomach can get you into some serious mischief.
Memory gaps from said alcohol induced mischief is even funnier when you and the other party are giving your own versions of the same incident.
Why? Oh why, do we care so much about the lives of celebrities and not our own families?
I'm in a restaurant that has a communal sink area and this guy finds me attractive and starts talking to me. I'm in the process of brushing my teeth and he's still talking to me. So my question is, why did he think he needed to stand and wait until I was done and try to score for my number? Second, why did he think I was even attracted to him anyway?
On that same topic, why do people assume because they find you attractive, you find them attractive?
I wear my headphones in public even when I'm not listening to music just so people won't talk to me.
Just because I'm not wearing a ring doesn't mean I'm not involved.
How is it that the line you're in is always the slow one, so you change lanes and then that line moves slow.
I'm as nice as you think I am, but harmful if provoked.
I learned the power in the gift of forgiveness.
Great moments of 2009
Love, forgiveness, an improved spiritual walk, and the willingness to take amazing leaps of faith
Lil Lady told me she was proud of me and thanked me for being her mum/bestie
I released myself from emotional bondage
My birthday weekend and my weekend with my twin cousin
The day I joined Macedonia Baptist Church
Knowing I can fall in love again
Writing four amazing poems
Facebook bringing someone/thing new and interesting to my life
My Mother's Day and Birthday card from Lil Lady
Making it through the year without major incident
All good health reports
Continued friendships
My blog family
I wish each and everyone of you a Happy New Year. May all of your goals be met. May your prayers be answered. And may love and happiness reign supreme in your lives.
Love to live; live to love! This is not just a catch phrase, but something to truly live by
There are far too many people who should just relinquish their parental rights because having a child does not immediately qualify you to be a parent.
The time we spend coveting what others have instead of being grateful for what we have is a complete waste of time and makes you ignorant to the fact that there are people worst off you than you think you are.
Alcohol on an empty stomach can get you into some serious mischief.
Memory gaps from said alcohol induced mischief is even funnier when you and the other party are giving your own versions of the same incident.
Why? Oh why, do we care so much about the lives of celebrities and not our own families?
I'm in a restaurant that has a communal sink area and this guy finds me attractive and starts talking to me. I'm in the process of brushing my teeth and he's still talking to me. So my question is, why did he think he needed to stand and wait until I was done and try to score for my number? Second, why did he think I was even attracted to him anyway?
On that same topic, why do people assume because they find you attractive, you find them attractive?
I wear my headphones in public even when I'm not listening to music just so people won't talk to me.
Just because I'm not wearing a ring doesn't mean I'm not involved.
How is it that the line you're in is always the slow one, so you change lanes and then that line moves slow.
I'm as nice as you think I am, but harmful if provoked.
I learned the power in the gift of forgiveness.
Great moments of 2009
Love, forgiveness, an improved spiritual walk, and the willingness to take amazing leaps of faith
Lil Lady told me she was proud of me and thanked me for being her mum/bestie
I released myself from emotional bondage
My birthday weekend and my weekend with my twin cousin
The day I joined Macedonia Baptist Church
Knowing I can fall in love again
Writing four amazing poems
Facebook bringing someone/thing new and interesting to my life
My Mother's Day and Birthday card from Lil Lady
Making it through the year without major incident
All good health reports
Continued friendships
My blog family
I wish each and everyone of you a Happy New Year. May all of your goals be met. May your prayers be answered. And may love and happiness reign supreme in your lives.
Love to live; live to love! This is not just a catch phrase, but something to truly live by
28 September 2009
As yet untitled - New poem
@ Chele, you didn't have to wait as long as you thought you might...Enjoy!
Upon unfamiliar ground; virgin to this experience
Cushioned for the break of my fall into heaven
Honest and true; giving your all not half
Like a river to the ocean, I’m drawn to you
Your call; a silent whisper within the wind
Caressing me into a gentle seduction
Making me weak where I stand…
Upon unfamiliar ground; virgin to this experience
However, still familiar to the pull of attraction
I let down my guard; submitting to
The leap of faith beneath me…
Cushioned for the break of my fall into heaven
Knowing you’re there to receive me
Open arms; open heart; committed to love
Me with every fiber of your being…
Honest and true; giving your all not half
Treating me like the Empress I am
Borne of your missing rib
Created to fill the void in your life…
With joy and laughter, tenderness and passion
Blu Jewel 2009
Love to live; live to love
06 August 2009
Gateways, portals, and other life exits/entrances!
I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "when one door closes; another one opens", but how many truly believe that? How many look for; or see that there is a blessing with the closing of one door and the anticipation of waiting for another to open? Honestly, I don't think many of us do. Many get immediately dispondent and think that the world as we know is going to come to an end.
It's a known fact, that God does not give us more than He knows we can handle and if we don't handle it, it's not His fault, but ours for having little faith in His word, comfort, and direction. In the many trials I've been through in my life, the one thing I never did was cry the blues or think "woe, is me". While I might not have been able to understand the trial as I was going through it, I never gave up on my faith that I'd come out on top; or at least through to the other side.
In the recent months, I've been the recipient of prayers answered and I realized it was because I allowed doors to both open and close. I realized that I must reconcile with things and people in order to complete the cirlcle and be the receiver of the blessing yet to be shown. There were doors that seemed like they'd be impossible to close and/or walk through; however, I did by remaining prayerful and faithful.
In a world where it's so easy to quit, blame others, or hide behind what seems comfortable, I know I can not be that person. I won't be ostrich like and bury my head in the sand, while claiming that the events in my life are a series of unfortunate acts. Every experience is a good experience as far as I'm concerned because all good is nothing without having the bad to appreciate it.
In a recent turn of events in my life, I rested on my gut instinct that what I was going through was in fact a blessing in disguise. In spite of the shock, I trusted that I would be okay and that I would be victorious. I allowed the door to close, took time to clear and ease my mind, body, and spirit, and now am reaady to walk through the opening door and receive all that is to come to me. The door wthat will now open for me will be filled with even more reward than I'd gotten previously and I'll be in a position to be and do more with myself and my life. So, to those who thought their way was better than His way, well, know that you can't box with God and His armour of protection remains steadfast around those who trust and believe in Him and His word. I give thanks and praise to my Heavenly Father for instilling His grace, mercy, and favor upon me.
With each day, I grow stronger in so many ways and I do not take anything for granted. As I prepare for my 41st year to end, I look back with happiness and gratitude for the doors that closed and those that opened for me. In review, I know that each one was a intrical part of continuing my growth. Over the course of the next 37 days, I will walk in and out of a few more doors and on the 38th day, I'll welcome in my new year; and will walk through that door with pride that I've made it one more year.
Love to live; live to love!
It's a known fact, that God does not give us more than He knows we can handle and if we don't handle it, it's not His fault, but ours for having little faith in His word, comfort, and direction. In the many trials I've been through in my life, the one thing I never did was cry the blues or think "woe, is me". While I might not have been able to understand the trial as I was going through it, I never gave up on my faith that I'd come out on top; or at least through to the other side.
In the recent months, I've been the recipient of prayers answered and I realized it was because I allowed doors to both open and close. I realized that I must reconcile with things and people in order to complete the cirlcle and be the receiver of the blessing yet to be shown. There were doors that seemed like they'd be impossible to close and/or walk through; however, I did by remaining prayerful and faithful.
In a world where it's so easy to quit, blame others, or hide behind what seems comfortable, I know I can not be that person. I won't be ostrich like and bury my head in the sand, while claiming that the events in my life are a series of unfortunate acts. Every experience is a good experience as far as I'm concerned because all good is nothing without having the bad to appreciate it.
In a recent turn of events in my life, I rested on my gut instinct that what I was going through was in fact a blessing in disguise. In spite of the shock, I trusted that I would be okay and that I would be victorious. I allowed the door to close, took time to clear and ease my mind, body, and spirit, and now am reaady to walk through the opening door and receive all that is to come to me. The door wthat will now open for me will be filled with even more reward than I'd gotten previously and I'll be in a position to be and do more with myself and my life. So, to those who thought their way was better than His way, well, know that you can't box with God and His armour of protection remains steadfast around those who trust and believe in Him and His word. I give thanks and praise to my Heavenly Father for instilling His grace, mercy, and favor upon me.
With each day, I grow stronger in so many ways and I do not take anything for granted. As I prepare for my 41st year to end, I look back with happiness and gratitude for the doors that closed and those that opened for me. In review, I know that each one was a intrical part of continuing my growth. Over the course of the next 37 days, I will walk in and out of a few more doors and on the 38th day, I'll welcome in my new year; and will walk through that door with pride that I've made it one more year.
Love to live; live to love!
27 July 2009
Thank You!
As I journey through another transition in my life, I continue to give honour, thanks, and praise to my heavenly Father. Even when I don't always know or understand the circumstances that seem out of my scope of comprehension, I trust in He that sustains me. I allow His righteousness and goodness to guide my path and rely on my faith to continue to carry me through. I've come too far to turn back now and I know that with each trial; there is an equal or greater triumph.
I truly believe that there is nothing I can't do without Him and whatever He has ordained in my life; it will come to pass. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not...". Well, I have because I do ask and I do pray, and I do believe. I am forever grateful that there is someone in my life who'll be there night or day; good or bad; right or wrong. My way is His way as best I can because no matter what I am a sinner, but I am a saint each time I stand strong, seek forgiveness, and strive to be and do better. My life has been a series of opportunities missed and taken; however, the latter reigns supreme because I put God into what I do.
I am 49 days away from my next new year and as I am in the closing phase of my old year, I look back with pride as I see the growth; the increased potential; the improved confidence; the exacting of things I've proclaimed for myself; the spiritual wealth I've gained; and the happiness that manifests in my life. Love for myself; for my family/friends; for my life is infinite and I truly rest in the words that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper".
Each day I rise is another reason to celebrate. Each day I live is another reason to be thankful. Each day I can touch another life affirmatively means, I'm honouring Jesus' death for my salvation. Each day I can share His word, means my faith has multiplied. There is not a day that I am not grateful. There will not be a day where I will not give thanks.
With transition, comes the responsibility to utilize each and every experience and make your life count.
So, today I share my gratitude first and foremost with my heavenly Father and then to all those who are in my life and those who'll cross my path.
The following came from my Daily Word...
I am grateful!
Starting the day in gratitude, my first prayer is Thank You, God! I am grateful for beauty and love, for surprises and excitement, for friendship and community, and for the presence of God in all.
Even if I may be going through a challenging experience, I am grateful, for I know that good will come from it. Will I learn of inner strength that I didn't know I had? Will I gain a renewed appreciation for my life and the people in it?
I am grateful for my present circumstances, for I know they offer opportunities for growth. I thank God for the life I have been given and the life I am creating by seeing the good in all that comes before me.
"Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving."--Psalm 95:2
Live to love; love to live!
I truly believe that there is nothing I can't do without Him and whatever He has ordained in my life; it will come to pass. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not...". Well, I have because I do ask and I do pray, and I do believe. I am forever grateful that there is someone in my life who'll be there night or day; good or bad; right or wrong. My way is His way as best I can because no matter what I am a sinner, but I am a saint each time I stand strong, seek forgiveness, and strive to be and do better. My life has been a series of opportunities missed and taken; however, the latter reigns supreme because I put God into what I do.
I am 49 days away from my next new year and as I am in the closing phase of my old year, I look back with pride as I see the growth; the increased potential; the improved confidence; the exacting of things I've proclaimed for myself; the spiritual wealth I've gained; and the happiness that manifests in my life. Love for myself; for my family/friends; for my life is infinite and I truly rest in the words that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper".
Each day I rise is another reason to celebrate. Each day I live is another reason to be thankful. Each day I can touch another life affirmatively means, I'm honouring Jesus' death for my salvation. Each day I can share His word, means my faith has multiplied. There is not a day that I am not grateful. There will not be a day where I will not give thanks.
With transition, comes the responsibility to utilize each and every experience and make your life count.
So, today I share my gratitude first and foremost with my heavenly Father and then to all those who are in my life and those who'll cross my path.
The following came from my Daily Word...
I am grateful!
Starting the day in gratitude, my first prayer is Thank You, God! I am grateful for beauty and love, for surprises and excitement, for friendship and community, and for the presence of God in all.
Even if I may be going through a challenging experience, I am grateful, for I know that good will come from it. Will I learn of inner strength that I didn't know I had? Will I gain a renewed appreciation for my life and the people in it?
I am grateful for my present circumstances, for I know they offer opportunities for growth. I thank God for the life I have been given and the life I am creating by seeing the good in all that comes before me.
"Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving."--Psalm 95:2
Live to love; love to live!
14 July 2009
the blessings of random acts
I took the day off today because I wanted to. I wanted to share time with someone and not have to wait for the weekend to do it. The simple pleasures were enacted and exacted and the weather; not to hot or cold; added another wonderful component to it all.
For those of you who haven't used all your vacation or leave time, please take some time off to kick back and enjoy. You don't always need a plan or something to do; just take some time for yourself or to spend with someone special.
I wish I could tell you how wonderful this day has been and have you see the smile that still sitting on my face. I'm thankful for days like this when I can give thanks and enjoy nature in its infinite splendor.
Oh, and Maxwell's new CD on repeat...oh my!
Love to live; live to love! (I damn sure am!!!)
For those of you who haven't used all your vacation or leave time, please take some time off to kick back and enjoy. You don't always need a plan or something to do; just take some time for yourself or to spend with someone special.
I wish I could tell you how wonderful this day has been and have you see the smile that still sitting on my face. I'm thankful for days like this when I can give thanks and enjoy nature in its infinite splendor.
Oh, and Maxwell's new CD on repeat...oh my!
Love to live; live to love! (I damn sure am!!!)
13 July 2009
wow! just wow!
A long-standing prayer has been answered and I have to give thanks, honour and glory to my heavenly Father for knowing the needs of my heart and acting in my favour. It took years of praying, hoping, and patience, but God never acts before it's time.
I feel blessed beyond measure right now. I've had a smile pasted on my face all morning. I feel His presence in and around me and man does that ever feel good. Transitions are beautiful things when you embrace the opportunities and times of change in your life.
I may not have a lot of things, but my wealth in life is great and nothing can compare to that measure of prosperity. My well spring is full and runneth over and my abundance is exceeding to me, my life, and those I share it with.
In the words of the song, "...it is well with my soul..."
Have an amazing day blog family; make it count always; in ALL ways!
Love to live; live to love!
I feel blessed beyond measure right now. I've had a smile pasted on my face all morning. I feel His presence in and around me and man does that ever feel good. Transitions are beautiful things when you embrace the opportunities and times of change in your life.
I may not have a lot of things, but my wealth in life is great and nothing can compare to that measure of prosperity. My well spring is full and runneth over and my abundance is exceeding to me, my life, and those I share it with.
In the words of the song, "...it is well with my soul..."
Have an amazing day blog family; make it count always; in ALL ways!
Love to live; live to love!
31 March 2009
uncensored!
Since embarking on my journey of restoration back in 2006, I realized that I'd lived a good portion of my life censored. I grew up in a house with 4 other siblings and on the weekends when I visited my father, had two more there. In each household, I found that my voice went pretty much unheard. At my mum's, I was the one that was left out, picked on, received little or no attention, which promoted my desire to escape through writing or creating parallel existences and remain censored. While at my father's, my brother and sister included me in their activities, but my father kept us tightly reigned in with his strong religious beliefs and practices, which in that environment kept me relatively censored.
As I grew up, I found that while I had a pretty good voice inside of me, I rarely used it. I excelled in academics and sports, was sought out as a friend, and was well liked and received in all my social events/activities. However, in spite of all of that, I still remained censored. I was often afraid to say what was on my mind, what I was going through, and pretty much buried myself deep within and became what everyone wanted me to be. I lived like that for many years.
When I joined the military in 1987, I knew it was something I truly wanted to do, but wondered how I'd fare with someone barking orders at me all day. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about being surrounded by a bunch of women; most of whom I couldn't stand. And my paramount thought was, "will this conformity make or break my censorship?" I soon learned that I was able to be uncensored as the need to be strong, dilligent, resourceful, and sometimes mean in order to make it through. Hiding within wasn't going to bode well and I channeled all my inner containment out into a formidable trainee. I spoke up, maintained strong ethic/convictions, and ensured that my I was both seen and heard. I became a leader and was put in charge of my peers. This further promoted my desire to remain uncensored and it worked well. I garnered the respect I worked for and my voice was sought in many ways.
Upon returning home, I maintained a very strong disposition and worked that summer (88) in an in resident college educational program. It was a great environment for me to grow as a leader and use my voice to guide and teach incoming freshmen. I did that for the remainder of that school year and the next summer. Ironically, as much as being uncensored served me well, it failed me miserably in my actual personal life. I got into a relationship with someone who was a couple years younger than me, less secure in themselves, not a college student, and in some ways a little possessive. This caused me to stop being so vocal, strong willed, and I became what he wanted me to be. This relationship almost led to marriage, but his infidelity precluded that from ever happening.
In the years that succeeded that point, I had a had a child, graduated from college, maintained living on my own, and entered the world of extreme censorship. I hid in more ways than one and slowly and systematically broke down. The turning point came when my personal Pandora's box opened; forcing me to deal with some very hard and painful memories that until then, I'd keep carefully tucked away. I sought professional help and released what I thought was everything; not so! I survived for a little while, thinking that I'd opened up enough and would make it though. I was once again put back into my box and censoring became my revolving door best friend for many, many years.
Fast forward to 2006...I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd been married; divorced; entered a relationship, that while good wasn't really good for either one of us as we'd both jumped from the fires into the flame of our previous relationship without the benefit of healing in between. We had some good times, but ultimately we couldn't stay together. I decided to work on myself. I stopped being sexual and entered celibacy. I began to deal with ALL of my issues and one by one I began to overcome them. I was brutally honest with myself, my past, and worked on forgiving myself and those who'd hurt me over the years. I reconciled feelings that had laid dormant, I challenged myself to be the woman I knew I should be all the time, and relied on my faith to guide me through. During that time, I incurred a major health issue of which I got through with the love/support of close friends and family, and I think it was that experience that truly showed my resiliency and my desire to no longer allow myself to be censored. I realized then more than ever that I had a voice and had to use it. I refused to allow myself to be what others wanted me to be and be who I was supposed to be.
Uncensorship is a good and bad thing for me as I often speak exactly what's on my mind. I don't do it to be hurtful or malicious, I just speak in the situation as I see it. If I've offended, I'm willing to explain and when necessary apologize; as I'm not too big to be corrected. Uncensorship allows me to live with positive energy, to not hurt/compromise myself, and be open to all the wonders/possibilities/opporunties that surround me. Uncensorship allows me to live out loud and outside of the box. Coloring outside of the lines can be just as pretty and equally creative. And that's how I see myself; a beautiful, perfectly imperfect creation of God's goodness. He's given me a voice and I'll use it. He's extended His grace and mercy upon me and I plan to show my appreciation for it by living a good life. I will not allow myself to be pigeon-holed, beat down, put down, or filled with angst/drama/baggage. I am a free and wonderful woman who loves to live and lives to love. I can and will be all that I am intended to me.
Have a blessed one.
Love to live; live to love!
As I grew up, I found that while I had a pretty good voice inside of me, I rarely used it. I excelled in academics and sports, was sought out as a friend, and was well liked and received in all my social events/activities. However, in spite of all of that, I still remained censored. I was often afraid to say what was on my mind, what I was going through, and pretty much buried myself deep within and became what everyone wanted me to be. I lived like that for many years.
When I joined the military in 1987, I knew it was something I truly wanted to do, but wondered how I'd fare with someone barking orders at me all day. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about being surrounded by a bunch of women; most of whom I couldn't stand. And my paramount thought was, "will this conformity make or break my censorship?" I soon learned that I was able to be uncensored as the need to be strong, dilligent, resourceful, and sometimes mean in order to make it through. Hiding within wasn't going to bode well and I channeled all my inner containment out into a formidable trainee. I spoke up, maintained strong ethic/convictions, and ensured that my I was both seen and heard. I became a leader and was put in charge of my peers. This further promoted my desire to remain uncensored and it worked well. I garnered the respect I worked for and my voice was sought in many ways.
Upon returning home, I maintained a very strong disposition and worked that summer (88) in an in resident college educational program. It was a great environment for me to grow as a leader and use my voice to guide and teach incoming freshmen. I did that for the remainder of that school year and the next summer. Ironically, as much as being uncensored served me well, it failed me miserably in my actual personal life. I got into a relationship with someone who was a couple years younger than me, less secure in themselves, not a college student, and in some ways a little possessive. This caused me to stop being so vocal, strong willed, and I became what he wanted me to be. This relationship almost led to marriage, but his infidelity precluded that from ever happening.
In the years that succeeded that point, I had a had a child, graduated from college, maintained living on my own, and entered the world of extreme censorship. I hid in more ways than one and slowly and systematically broke down. The turning point came when my personal Pandora's box opened; forcing me to deal with some very hard and painful memories that until then, I'd keep carefully tucked away. I sought professional help and released what I thought was everything; not so! I survived for a little while, thinking that I'd opened up enough and would make it though. I was once again put back into my box and censoring became my revolving door best friend for many, many years.
Fast forward to 2006...I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd been married; divorced; entered a relationship, that while good wasn't really good for either one of us as we'd both jumped from the fires into the flame of our previous relationship without the benefit of healing in between. We had some good times, but ultimately we couldn't stay together. I decided to work on myself. I stopped being sexual and entered celibacy. I began to deal with ALL of my issues and one by one I began to overcome them. I was brutally honest with myself, my past, and worked on forgiving myself and those who'd hurt me over the years. I reconciled feelings that had laid dormant, I challenged myself to be the woman I knew I should be all the time, and relied on my faith to guide me through. During that time, I incurred a major health issue of which I got through with the love/support of close friends and family, and I think it was that experience that truly showed my resiliency and my desire to no longer allow myself to be censored. I realized then more than ever that I had a voice and had to use it. I refused to allow myself to be what others wanted me to be and be who I was supposed to be.
Uncensorship is a good and bad thing for me as I often speak exactly what's on my mind. I don't do it to be hurtful or malicious, I just speak in the situation as I see it. If I've offended, I'm willing to explain and when necessary apologize; as I'm not too big to be corrected. Uncensorship allows me to live with positive energy, to not hurt/compromise myself, and be open to all the wonders/possibilities/opporunties that surround me. Uncensorship allows me to live out loud and outside of the box. Coloring outside of the lines can be just as pretty and equally creative. And that's how I see myself; a beautiful, perfectly imperfect creation of God's goodness. He's given me a voice and I'll use it. He's extended His grace and mercy upon me and I plan to show my appreciation for it by living a good life. I will not allow myself to be pigeon-holed, beat down, put down, or filled with angst/drama/baggage. I am a free and wonderful woman who loves to live and lives to love. I can and will be all that I am intended to me.
Have a blessed one.
Love to live; live to love!
17 January 2009
I want it all dammit!
This post ain't for the cynical, the romance haters, or those who are bitter and have given up on love.
As stated in my post, "too hard for my own good, but i'm gonna do it anyway", I love to hard for my own good, but plan to do it anyway. Why? Because I truly believe that two people who are really deep into each other; who've grown as friends and become lovers can have that connection where they never have to question the love between them. I believe that when you're not afraid to be loved for your flaws and not being seen as unrealistically perfect, but perfect in another's eyes; that's when you've reached the pinnacle of what relationships are about.
I believe in love at first sight, destiny, fate, and serendipity. I believe that love can heal and purify. I know that love can be a painful thing sometimes, but I still firmly believe that it's something absolutely magnificent.
I know that's it's possible to love someone inexplicably, unequivocally, and with wild abandon and that's the kind of love that I want and the kind that I'm gonna have dammit! I absolutely refuse to have the kind of relationship where we're too caught up in our daily grind to make a quick call, send a txt or email, or use any of the many forms of modern day communicative means to let the other person know they're being thought of or are special. I'm gonna be in a relationship where the following take place:
- we devise little codes to "check in" or say, "thinking about you"
- we carve out a some time each day to wind down with each other
- we cherish the small and simple things
- we have "date night"
- we never go to bed mad
- we say "I love you" everyday
- we turn the phones off, shut the world out, and be the only two people on the planet
- we write notes and sneak them into each others pockets or bag
- we use songs to speak when our own words fail us
I know to many this all sounds rather utopian and unrealistic, but it's not and that's why I prefaced this post with what I did and you should just stop reading now. I mean NOW!
I'm so sick and tired of hearing people bitch, whine, or complain that is or that isn't working in their relationship yet do little or nothing to fix the issues. Yea, I know we may have kids, or a demanding job, or some other thing that requires a lot of our time or energy, but screw all that. Without that love, support, and nurturing, you might as well just chuck it all in and be a robot or slave to the machine.
It only takes just a few minutes to show someone you care or love them. The time many take to forward something that claims your a shitty friend if you don't send the txt/email to 9 people; or that God's gonna hate you if you delete the prayer; or one of the many other FWDs that get sent via txt or email; we could use that time to reach out to our significant other, spouse, or even our children and say something nice. A kind word goes a long damn way and the more we use them, the easier it is for them to flow and the stronger our relationships will be and the more love that will be spread.
So again I say, if you're still SOS (stuck on stupid), stop reading this post NOW cause I'm not done.
Reverting back to the title of this post, I repeat that I want it all. I want to love and be loved like love was my preserving breath. I want to live each day knowing that I'm giving the best of who I am to whom I love and that I'm going to get that in return. I friggin deserve it and I'm gonna get it. I'm not gonna settle for percolating drips of love that is only dispensed at the others convenience. Screw Valentine's Day because that's one of the biggest crocks of shit I've experienced. If we love each other, then EVERY DAMN DAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!! EVERY last one of them. I don't need some overly commercialized "holiday" to prove I'm loved or that I love someone. While, my angst against Valentine's Day could be interpreted by some as cynicism, trust and believe it's not; I've felt this way for a very long time and have save former boyfriends and an ex-husband a lot of time and money foregoing it.
I'm gonna be in a relationship where we aren't afraid of PDA. Well, I'm not into "get a room" type of PDA, but hey, if the moment calls for it, then so be it. *lol* I'm gonna be in a relationship that where possible, we call out sick just to stay home and make love, or we meet for lunch, or surprise each other with something without there being an occasion. Laughter will be the adhesive that also keeps us together because it's needed to enhance the love and uphold the joy of our being together.
Well, there you have it people. This is my story; my wish; and what WILL be my future.
Love to live; live to love!
15 January 2009
easy vs. difficult
Life is a series of opportunities missed or taken. We all have choices in life and how we live our lives. Personally, I choose to live good, happy, and fruitful life, but I realize there are those who choose other. Well, that's their perogative, but don't hate me for the way I live.
I received this is my inbox this morning and it confirmed what I just stated. Life if not always easy; however, it can be good...How do you plan to live? Easy or Difficult.
Easy is to judge the mistakes of others
Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes
Easy is to talk without thinking
Difficult is to refrain the tongue
Easy is to hurt someone who loves us.
Difficult is to heal the wound...
Easy is to forgive others
Difficult is to ask for forgiveness
Easy is to set rules.
Difficult is to follow them..
Easy is to dream every night.
Difficult is to fight for a dream...
Easy is to show victory.
Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity...
Easy is to admire a full moon.
Difficult to see the other side...
Easy is to stumble with a stone.
Difficult is to get up...
Easy is to enjoy life every day.
Difficult to give its real value...
Easy is to promise something to someone.
Difficult is to fulfill that promise...
Easy is to say we love.
Difficult is to show it every day...
Easy is to criticize others.
Difficult is to improve oneself...
Easy is to make mistakes.
Difficult is to learn from them...
Easy is to weep for a lost love.
Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it.
Easy is to think about improving.
Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action...
Easy is to think bad of others
Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt...
Easy is to receive
Difficult is to give
Easy to read this
Difficult to follow
Easy is keep the friendship with words
Difficult is to keep it with meanings
Love to live; live to love!
I received this is my inbox this morning and it confirmed what I just stated. Life if not always easy; however, it can be good...How do you plan to live? Easy or Difficult.
Easy is to judge the mistakes of others
Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes
Easy is to talk without thinking
Difficult is to refrain the tongue
Easy is to hurt someone who loves us.
Difficult is to heal the wound...
Easy is to forgive others
Difficult is to ask for forgiveness
Easy is to set rules.
Difficult is to follow them..
Easy is to dream every night.
Difficult is to fight for a dream...
Easy is to show victory.
Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity...
Easy is to admire a full moon.
Difficult to see the other side...
Easy is to stumble with a stone.
Difficult is to get up...
Easy is to enjoy life every day.
Difficult to give its real value...
Easy is to promise something to someone.
Difficult is to fulfill that promise...
Easy is to say we love.
Difficult is to show it every day...
Easy is to criticize others.
Difficult is to improve oneself...
Easy is to make mistakes.
Difficult is to learn from them...
Easy is to weep for a lost love.
Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it.
Easy is to think about improving.
Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action...
Easy is to think bad of others
Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt...
Easy is to receive
Difficult is to give
Easy to read this
Difficult to follow
Easy is keep the friendship with words
Difficult is to keep it with meanings
Love to live; live to love!
25 September 2008
happy thoughts of the week
this is a list of the things that made me smile this week...
knowing that God did not bring me this far to leave me now
knowing that when the world goes out, God and His word will always be there
being surprised
lil lady had a sub for one of her classes and the sub said they could do what she wanted and she decided to txt me *huge smile*
lil lady's boyfriend txts me to say thank you and that he loves me
feeling like a little girl in his big, strong arms
an email from jus.b.fli to say, "I Love You"
an email from believer1964 to ask me if i'd like to do a guest post on her blog
a voicemail from The Man saying, "hi sweetie pie"
a call from The Man where i realized it was him after i answered and before he spoke, and greeted him with a cheery, "hi honey"
another call at work from The Man where he paused after i said, "hi, this is Blu" and made sure he made enough noise for me to realize it was him so i could say, "hi honey"
graduating from doing 30 pushups a day to now being able to do 40
successfully losing almost 12lbs
the shock and awe on someone's face when they realized i was not 29, but 41
lunch with a dear friend who saw me through my tears and encouraged me
a call from the same dear friend who called me to tell me that God will handle it all for me
my pending "girls day" with my 63 year old friend Robin; she's so crazy
realizing how strong he is
IPRs (Involuntary Physical Responses) *giggle*
that certain feeling right there *devilish giggle*
knowing that God did not bring me this far to leave me now
knowing that when the world goes out, God and His word will always be there
being surprised
lil lady had a sub for one of her classes and the sub said they could do what she wanted and she decided to txt me *huge smile*
lil lady's boyfriend txts me to say thank you and that he loves me
feeling like a little girl in his big, strong arms
an email from jus.b.fli to say, "I Love You"
an email from believer1964 to ask me if i'd like to do a guest post on her blog
a voicemail from The Man saying, "hi sweetie pie"
a call from The Man where i realized it was him after i answered and before he spoke, and greeted him with a cheery, "hi honey"
another call at work from The Man where he paused after i said, "hi, this is Blu" and made sure he made enough noise for me to realize it was him so i could say, "hi honey"
graduating from doing 30 pushups a day to now being able to do 40
successfully losing almost 12lbs
the shock and awe on someone's face when they realized i was not 29, but 41
lunch with a dear friend who saw me through my tears and encouraged me
a call from the same dear friend who called me to tell me that God will handle it all for me
my pending "girls day" with my 63 year old friend Robin; she's so crazy
realizing how strong he is
IPRs (Involuntary Physical Responses) *giggle*
that certain feeling right there *devilish giggle*
going to my support group and know that it's okay for me to "act out"
the random and crazy txts from The Mayor (moniker for cuz's bf)
the txt from my cuz (The Mayor's girl) telling me not to worry about what they're doing after i received the crazy txt from her man
looking in my freezer at all the food my mum cooked for me while she was in NJ last week
knowing that mum has my back
fussing at doing lil lady's laundry, but doing it anyway
finding a way to make a $1 out of 15 cents
knowing that somehow; in some way i'm making a difference to someone
the great posts i've read from my blogger family
knowing and believing that everything will be okay
Love!
17 September 2008
the view!
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you’.
Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present.
The irony of this post, is that I’m not in a happy place right now. My first cousin (in Jamaica) got washed away in hurricane Gustav and has been declared dead, though his body hasn’t been found yet. A very close family friend died and was cremated on my birthday. Another first cousin’s husband was killed in a car accident. My granny had a mini stroke and was hospitalized. My male BFF’s father just passed away after a long illness. And my dude gave me a ration of drama over semantics. So, needless to say, the sparkle in the jewel is a little dim right now. In fact, to sum up my emotions, I’m feeling rather pissed off, tearful, lost, hurt, offended, and even a little angry, but I do know that it’s a passing phase. I will not allow myself to wallow or have a pity party. I know this all shall pass and life continues in spite of. I also know life is too short to watch it pass me by. I have life and I plan to live it and live it well. I know the Lord didn’t bring me this far to leave me, so like the blind man who saw the beauty in the world, I, too, shall seek and find all the joy, beauty, and happiness that exists around me and appreciate it all.
Excerpt from It's Gonna Rain by Kelly Price...
Count it on joy (Oh...yeah)
Mornin' will come (After the rain)
The sun will shine (So keep your head up)
Keep your head high ('cause God will take care of you)
It will rain (Oh, yes, He will)
There'll be pain (Some times there will be pain)
Trouble will come (Oh...whoa...ho...)
Understand (Count it on joy)
And today, I shall count it all joy!
Love!
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you’.
Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present.
The irony of this post, is that I’m not in a happy place right now. My first cousin (in Jamaica) got washed away in hurricane Gustav and has been declared dead, though his body hasn’t been found yet. A very close family friend died and was cremated on my birthday. Another first cousin’s husband was killed in a car accident. My granny had a mini stroke and was hospitalized. My male BFF’s father just passed away after a long illness. And my dude gave me a ration of drama over semantics. So, needless to say, the sparkle in the jewel is a little dim right now. In fact, to sum up my emotions, I’m feeling rather pissed off, tearful, lost, hurt, offended, and even a little angry, but I do know that it’s a passing phase. I will not allow myself to wallow or have a pity party. I know this all shall pass and life continues in spite of. I also know life is too short to watch it pass me by. I have life and I plan to live it and live it well. I know the Lord didn’t bring me this far to leave me, so like the blind man who saw the beauty in the world, I, too, shall seek and find all the joy, beauty, and happiness that exists around me and appreciate it all.
Excerpt from It's Gonna Rain by Kelly Price...
Count it on joy (Oh...yeah)
Mornin' will come (After the rain)
The sun will shine (So keep your head up)
Keep your head high ('cause God will take care of you)
It will rain (Oh, yes, He will)
There'll be pain (Some times there will be pain)
Trouble will come (Oh...whoa...ho...)
Understand (Count it on joy)
And today, I shall count it all joy!
Love!
12 September 2008
!!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!
Well, it's official...I'm 41 years young! (Sept 13th is my born day) I consider my birthday a new year, but I couldn't find a Happy New Year pic, so I decided on this one.
Love!
Love!
26 August 2008
what freedom feels like...
Have you ever been in a situation where some had truly done you wrong and instead of getting pissed at them, you got mad in private? I’m sure you have and I have too and if I must say so myself, I handled it like a champ.
Last year, I met someone and was reluctant to form anything more than a friendship with him. Over time, I got to know him and enjoyed talking and hanging out with him. I was still uncertain of how I felt emotionally because there was a huge geographical distance between us and I didn’t want to over invest. The latter end of last year, I spent some time with him and things seemed to take a progressive turn. He began to talk of relocating and the possibility of a future with me. I still reserved my feelings; although it become obvious to me that I liked him more than I was willing to admit.
Fast forward to earlier this year and we spent a really good week together and I finally admitted that I felt I was developing strong feelings and began to entertain his talk of relocating. Things remained cool until he up and disappeared. Yes, just bounced; no call; no txt; just gone. At first, I didn’t call, but then got pissed and called a few times, but never left a message (I’m not a big message leaver). Days turned into weeks and still no hear from, so I was like, it’s time for me to fall back. I checked with fam and they said, he was okay but out of town. So, I’m like, aiight, I see how you’re living and reminded myself of what I’d told him, “what you won’t do, another man will”. In other words, I packed up my little hurt feelings and said the hell witchya.
Last week; Wednesday to be exact, I get a txt saying, “I’m back now. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Well, tomorrow still hasn’t arrived because he hasn’t called. So, being the big girl that I am and knowing that I’m not going to carry the annoyance any further, I called him. He was very casual and nonchalant about his disappearance and lack of communication. He even teased that he knew I was cussing him out. When I remained calm and on subject he asked if I was going to cuss him out and I said no. He gave me a half-assed apology and said he hoped I’d accept it. He made mention of my birthday being next month and I told him, had he waited until then to call me, I would have truly been pissed cause his call would mess it up not enhance it. I went on to tell him that what he did said a lot about him and left it at that. And as luck would have it, his cell crapped out and I never called back.
What freedom feels like is that I moved on without the drama and theatrics. Cussing him out wouldn’t have made me feel better because that’s what he was expecting. It felt good to simply accept that his behavior is not something I can accept or tolerate and I know exactly what category to put him in. I’m glad that I didn’t invest my feelings too deeply and won’t feel the pain of letting go. Yea, it saddens me, but as I said earlier, “what he won’t do, another man will”, in fact another already has. YAY me! *lol*
Love!
Last year, I met someone and was reluctant to form anything more than a friendship with him. Over time, I got to know him and enjoyed talking and hanging out with him. I was still uncertain of how I felt emotionally because there was a huge geographical distance between us and I didn’t want to over invest. The latter end of last year, I spent some time with him and things seemed to take a progressive turn. He began to talk of relocating and the possibility of a future with me. I still reserved my feelings; although it become obvious to me that I liked him more than I was willing to admit.
Fast forward to earlier this year and we spent a really good week together and I finally admitted that I felt I was developing strong feelings and began to entertain his talk of relocating. Things remained cool until he up and disappeared. Yes, just bounced; no call; no txt; just gone. At first, I didn’t call, but then got pissed and called a few times, but never left a message (I’m not a big message leaver). Days turned into weeks and still no hear from, so I was like, it’s time for me to fall back. I checked with fam and they said, he was okay but out of town. So, I’m like, aiight, I see how you’re living and reminded myself of what I’d told him, “what you won’t do, another man will”. In other words, I packed up my little hurt feelings and said the hell witchya.
Last week; Wednesday to be exact, I get a txt saying, “I’m back now. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Well, tomorrow still hasn’t arrived because he hasn’t called. So, being the big girl that I am and knowing that I’m not going to carry the annoyance any further, I called him. He was very casual and nonchalant about his disappearance and lack of communication. He even teased that he knew I was cussing him out. When I remained calm and on subject he asked if I was going to cuss him out and I said no. He gave me a half-assed apology and said he hoped I’d accept it. He made mention of my birthday being next month and I told him, had he waited until then to call me, I would have truly been pissed cause his call would mess it up not enhance it. I went on to tell him that what he did said a lot about him and left it at that. And as luck would have it, his cell crapped out and I never called back.
What freedom feels like is that I moved on without the drama and theatrics. Cussing him out wouldn’t have made me feel better because that’s what he was expecting. It felt good to simply accept that his behavior is not something I can accept or tolerate and I know exactly what category to put him in. I’m glad that I didn’t invest my feelings too deeply and won’t feel the pain of letting go. Yea, it saddens me, but as I said earlier, “what he won’t do, another man will”, in fact another already has. YAY me! *lol*
Love!
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