Starting over

I'm in the process of deactivating this blog and have established a new one...

http://blujewel-contrailsofthought.blogspot.com/

Pix from Jamaica

This was the easiest way for me to make the pix visible.

 
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=181735&id=653476690&l=1035de9c64

Fresh from yard

For my readers who are on Facebook, you can see my latest pix of my most recent trip to Jamaica.  For those who aren't, I am going to post them here in the next day or so.

Jewel drops

My sexual needs are much greater than I ever imagined they'd be

I prefer pedicures to manicures

I feel empowered by driving a manual transmission vehicle

I do not believe the hype

The best fashion trend to follow is your own

In truth the degrees of separation is less than 6

I have exhausted my divine patience and am wondering how long before my human patience kicks in

 (add on to previous) when it does, it sure isn't going to be pretty

I feel my sexiest when I'm wearing black

I look my prettiest when I'm smiling

I feel my strongest when defending someone I care about

I've learned that I know more than I thought I did

Things I used to think were off limits aren't and I enjoy them immensely

I am very much in touch with my masculine side

Silence is more damaging than the spoken word


I'd rather be confined to the madness of my own mind, than to be free in the madness around me


I am not nearly as social as people perceive me to be


The safest place I know is within my own heart/mind


Time may heal wounds, but love is a better bandage


I sometimes seek comfort in music before I would from a person


"Love is what I need to help me know my name" line from Love's Divine by Seal...Absolutely amazing line


There are few things sweeter than hearing someone say your name in the heat of passion


I have no idea what it's like to have a real/honest/true/consistent/loving relationship with my parents


I do; however, KNOW how to be a a real/honest/true/consistent/loving parent to my own child

I have conquered my own personal Mount Everest


Life IS good!


It's all possible!

preferences, comfort zones, and other like miscellany

We all have an image of what we want in the opposite sex.  We like them in various sizes, colours, shapes, and things that make us tick, but how much of it really exists in the gran'd scheme of things?  So many of us have a Criteria List and that therein lies the problem.  No, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have one; in fact I think we should as we all have standards in which we live by.  what I am saying; however, is that we shouldn't let them be the absolute factor in whether or not someone is a good match for us.

My preference is a black man who's complexion is as dark as mine or darker.  I'd like him to be at least 5' 10" seeing as i wear 3+ inch heeled shoes almost all the time.  I'd like his weight to be between 170 - 210lbs depending on his height.  A college education is not a requirement, but I'd like him to have an ability to speak with clear articulation/enunciation.  I have an affinity for men in Law Enforcement or the military over civilians. I'd like him to be socially aware, possess the ability to take control and make decision, have good family values, be secure in his own skin, and self-sustaining and ambitious in terms of fulfilling his goals.  These are some, yet not all of the things I'd like in a man, but truth be told, my getting them all would be like me sitting in a lab to create him as he is for the most part a figment of my imagination.  Yes, I want these things, but actually getting them is something I'm actually afraid of.  Why?  Because then I have nothing to look forward to.  There would be no growth process between us in the ways that it counts.  When we get what we want, we tend to not fully appreciate it as we should and in the end we sometimes find ourselves now looking for flaws instead of the things we thought we wanted in the first place.

In my current 'relationship', he is almost the polar opposite of my criteria list.  He's white, he's 10 yrs my junior, he's talented; though does not use his talents to pursue his ambitions and he's certainly not a good decision maker.  While he meets the height requirement, he does not have the weight/brawn that i like, but he is strong.

The point I'm trying to make is that even with the likes/dislikes and the things that are/aren't on my Criteria List, he and I get along very well.  We engage in some amazing conversations, we share an unusual sense of humour, our time together is well balanced, and even when we disagree, it's done with decency.  Truth be told, I'm happy that he doesn't meet many of the items on my list.  I enjoy the differences we share and how we've been able to find a good meeting place in the middle.  i find his quirkiness rather endearing and most of all, I just like him for who he is. 

I once came across the words, "I love you just the way you are; now change". It was a startling reminder of what I went through with my ex husband and how it cause so much hurt/pain in my life as I myself working to live up to the phrase.  Every now and then it resonates in my life when I'm tempted to pull my Criteria List out and feel inclined to stack the chips against it and someone I like.  I recall that unrealistic expectation, that hurt, the inability to live by someone else's image of  whom I should be.  Even though I've never intentionally wanted to hold someone by a standard, I'm sure I have in some way and for that I apologize.  But what I do know is that I can and do fully appreciate not being confined to a comfort zone.  I do still have preferences, but do not let them prohibit me from getting to know someone who's not necessarily what I think I'm looking for.  Just as I want to be accepted for who I am, I must accept others for who they are and together we just might be everything we've ever wanted.

It's all possible!

previous post stirred up some thangs!

It's bad enough Fantasia came out with that song Bittersweet, which made think of a certain someone, but in truth it did more than that.  What it did was take me for a stroll down memory lane where I recounted the many days and nights we shared.  There were some very long talks; there were some nights of passionate love making; there were some nights were we just held each other as if it was our last night together; and there were even some nights were I cursed his very existence.  In spite of it, he made and indelible mark on my life and I'm not sure there will be another like him, which is probably a good thing anyway; no one needs a replica of another person.

Our time together was life defining and an experience that at least afforded me some much needed life/love lessons on trust, endurance, faith, friendship; to name a few.  For a long time I wondered what my life would be without him in it and for a little while, I found out.  It was good for the learning curve and to force each of us to grow up in many ways.  We came back to each other as we always did; the boomerang effect, but never enough to form the commitment I used to think we should have. 

Time, distance, and honest growth has shown me that I'm okay with how things have turned out between us.  Finally letting go pf him, was the best way of holding on to me.   Truth be told, I have had a moment or two where I wanted to feel the intense draw of our chemistry; the trepidation of the kiss; and finally the passion of our love making, but that was then and this is now.  We had a good run and we're still friends, which for most isn't easy to maintain, but I'm good with where we are now.  We'll always be on the same street; just driving in different cars.

It's all possible!

Current song I'm digging

This is not the official video for this song; Bittersweet by Fantasia; however, the song is too good to not share/post it.

When I heard the song, my heart involuntarily and spontaneously skipped a beat as I momentarily paused to the recall the one person who resembled the song.  It's crazy that even after all these years that he can even get that kind of reaction.  I don't hate him and I'm no longer in love with him, but he'll always be the one who gave love and loving such emphasis in my life.

I don't think of him with remorse or bitterness; in fact it's quite the opposite because in spite of how things didn't turn out between us, we shared a lot of good memories, time, and a bond that nothing can erase.  How many of you have had someone in your life that this song can relate to?




Every now and then
I still get a flashback
Of the time I spent
Thinking you could be that one
Should I have just kept your love?

Yes I understand,
We did have some good times
On the other hand,
Got my crying all night
It was too much for my mind

So even though I left you
I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Damn I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

'Cause when I think about you

It's bittersweet...

I still have the box
Full of things you gave me
Start to throw it out
Something always stops me, yeah
I'm not as over you as I said

Deep inside my heart
I made the right decision
But it's gonna hurt
When you might less think it
Did I make a big mistake?

Even though I left you

I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

'Cause when I think about you

It's bittersweet...

See I don't understand
Like, somebody is gonna get hurt
Out of this situation
And you just hope it's not you

At times...

Part of me wants you, part of me don't
Part of me is missing you, part of me is gone
Part of me is saying that the love is still strong,
Part of me is letting go

So even though I left you
I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

When I think about you, it's bittersweet

It's bittersweet....

own worst enemies

I'm trying; well, not really, to understand why women become their own worst enemies.  I can't for the life of me figure out why women go to such great lengths to be in a relationship with someone who has said from the start that he's not looking for a relationship.  Does she think that once the sex is laid down or she does a few nice things for him that he's going to change his mind?  News flash....he's NOT going to. 

When engaging in a FwBs type relationship, the rules of engagement have to be establish at the onset and adhered to as things progress.  Both parties typically agree that while they may spend time, have sex, and partake in whatever social activities they've agree to, but the bottom line is that NO feelings get born of the status.  While I recognize that sometimes there are things that make one get a bit emotional, the rules of engagement still need to be respected and enforced.  Nothing good comes from trying to force a relationship where there isn't one.  In addition, the boundaries of social etiquette must be clearly established and maintained also.

Nothing is more pathetic than the woman in the FwB relationsihp tossing all the rules out the window and creating her own agenda, which sadly will only leave her in the deficit anyway.  Case in point, my brother was seeing Wendy (not her real name) and it was established from the start what it was between them.  Wendy appeared to be okay with it all; however, there was things she said and did that raised flags.  I cautioned my brother to be careful as I felt she was catching feelings and was using her "kindness" as her weapon to sway him into a permanent relationship.  Fortunately for bro, his sis is a wise woman and he's always receptive to my voice of reason.  I digress...Anyway, bro as an assortment of female friends; none of whom are all sexual partners and Wendy found herself a bit jealous of that.  She had not inquired if he was having sex with anyone other than him, so even if he was, she was still in no position to contest it; save for insisting protection be use at all times.  Well, Ms. Wendy takes her lack of being able to pin my bro down, her jealously, and her insecurity to the next level.  She set up spyware on the laptop she loaned him and kept a running record of his chats and such.  She also managed to get into his personal email when his account was up and he was out of the room.  Wendy took it upon herself to send emails of Instant Message (IM) conversations to other woman.

The woman who were recipients of the emails, contacted my bro and asked him about them; though realizing that it was odd and would be inappropriate by every stretch of the imagination that he would send them.  After bro received the information, he immediately realized what had happened and was promptly pissed. 

Now, what Wendy apparently didn't take into consideration was her antics would in no way make bro want to maintain any semblance of contact with or want to get back with her; and why would he anyway? Furthermore, she's contacting women she doesn't know and they could have very easily turned the tables on her.  Her actions wreaked of all the things that made women look stupid in a mans eye; mine too.

Back in December I had a situation of Krypto's ex girlfriend calling me, but she was wise to hang up before I answered.  Being the mature AND secure woman I am, I contacted Krypto and made it abundantly clear that he handle the situation as i don't do that kind of bullshit/drama and out of respect for his and my friendship I wouldn't contact her.  After he made my feelings known, you would think that she would respect my wishes and leave me alone right?  Oh, no! Ms. Thang decided she would txt me the following morning apologizing and trying to justify her actions.  Really?  So, it was bad enough that she violated her exes (Krypto) privacy and got my number out of his phone; then she called me; and now she's txtn me?  Now, that's a bold, but really dumb chic right there, because now she's put the ball back in my court and I was about to go game, set, and match on her ass. 

After I digested the txt and gave my spirit room for pause, I called her.  I told her; without having to raise my voice or letting Ebonica loose, that I was not the one to play with and that I was firm in my not wanting her to contact me in any way.  I went on to tell her that her insecurity was not my issue and that whatever issues she had she needed to work them out independent of me.  My friendship with Krypto was just that; a friendship and if she couldn't handle it, that wasn't my problem.  Once the warmth of my icy words were firmly delivered, I hung up and called him to let him know I was forwarding the txt to him and that I'd called his ex and voiced my extreme displeasure.  This is how a grown/mature/secure woman handles the futile attempts of an insecure woman.

Woman need to find their core worth, wealth, and value in and of themselves instead of using me to make them feel whole.  They need to stop with the game playing, the creation of relationships that don't exist, and most importantly contacting women whom they feel is a threat to them.  While in theory they may feel their actions are justified, they often quickly see how the practicality of it all is pretty sad and pathetic.  My final thought on the situation is as the adage goes, "if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". 

It's all possible!

Ready, set....NOPE!!!

It's been five years since I was in a relationship and the time off has been quite an experience; good, bad, and whatever.  I've learned so much about myself, seen life through very different eyes, and finally came to a place of peace that I wasn't sure I'd get to; however, I did and boy am I happy I have.

Since the end of July 2008, I began dating; something I'd never done in my past.  Seeing that I was a serial monogamist and a 'late bloomer', the initial thought of seeing different people seemed a rather odd and lofty adventure on my part.  Given that I'm blessed to have some amazing friends in my life, they guided me through the process and I entered the very new world of dating and to my surprise; found that I actually enjoyed it.  I liked having options, the ability to venture into various activities that I may not have if I'd been in a monogamous relationship, and I just like having the liberty of just being free. 

While I'm liberal to some degree with sex, the thought of being sexual with multiple partners was out of the question.  The one I saw with the most frequency was the one I slept with, and kept things topical with the others.  Over time, I began weening as I refused to stay on the ride, when the momentum was gone and I didn't want to send mixed signals.

Ready....When I finally called it quits altogether and entered back into my single and celibate state.  In the process, I'd finally and completely gotten over Kyrpto, which was an emotional expenditure that had long since run its course.   The friendship with Heart's Desire had grown exponentially and I felt that's definitely where I wanted to be.  Truth be told, I'd fallen for him, which in and of itself was a celebration to pale July 4th as it had taken 14 1/2yrs to me to actually feel that way about anyone else; to include my ex husband.  I was willing to see where that could go until there was a left turn in Albuquerque and had to put that idea on the back burner.  It didn't end my feelings for him, but it did make me not regret my decision to be celibate again, which lasted almost four days shy of four months when I saw him again.  It was once again, another wonderful experience, another step in the direction of feeling that I was ready to be in a monogamous relationship.  Through him, I saw that part of me that In some ways, I'd missed in the five year relationship break I'd been on. 

Set...So, there it was, me single once again.  I decided it was best that I remain single and not date.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to ensure that my heart was in fact ready, and that I would be open and receptive to a potential relationship.

Nope...As if like cosmic amusement, I found myself in a completely unexpected and accidental FwB (Friends with Benefits) relationship.  Unlike one I'd entered into before, this one came very well equipped with all the friendship I needed to make put us in a non-balanced place.  Neither of us expected what had happened and neither of us regret the decision to continue as we still tried to figure out how we'd even gotten involved. 

He was given the moniker of The Accidental Playmate; The Playmate for short.  Neither of us are currently employed, so we have a lot of time to do things we might not have being employed.  We call the time we share together play dates, which in some cases are just that.  As I said, we don't always reduce our shared time to just sex.  We go out and about, we watch movies and discuss the plot; sometimes we just sit and talk, and he's been a great source of strength and comfort during this time with me settling my daughter's fathers estate.  The Playmate has brought a level of balance to my life at a time when I needed a friend; intimacy, and most of all NO STRESS/DRAMA.  We completely and totally respect each other and make no demands for anything the other isn't willing or able to give. 

For a while, I was completely sure that I was Ready and Set for emotional permanence, but it's pretty obvious that I'm not and you know what?  I'm very much okay with that!


It's all possible!

on being bi-cultured!

Since I can remember, I've enjoyed being English by birth and Jamaican by blood. I've enjoyed being able to slip between speaking standard English and Patois (Jamaican dialect; NOT a language). I think it's great to be able to speak in my "native tongue", although it's not quite a good as it could be. Why? because over the years; primarily since living in the U.S, people have had a hard time understanding when I speak English (with my East London/cockney twang), so my speaking Patois can be that much more confusing; unless I'm around Jamaicans of course. The funny thing is that , Jamaicans can tell if you're from England or have lived in the U.S because you're dialect is "off". The exception to the rule is for those who speak Patois daily and only "flip" when absolutely necessary.

I love that I eat a variety of foods that to some seem odd. I like that I can eat something for breakfast that can also be served for dinner. I've been drinking liquor since childhood because Jamaicans put rum in many drinks or will turn a regular glass of Guinness in a "punch" so it's children friendly.

We can and do turn every event into a party.  I recall my birthday last year and I asked my cousin if she'd cook breakfast for me and she said yes, and a simple breakfast turned into a full-fledged brunch which lasted until 5:00pm.  We ate, danced, took pictures, and enjoyed each others company. 

Culturally, we'll have more than one generation living under one roof and family ties are maintained and drama gets squashed instead of people keeping their distance.  We like going "home" or "back a yard" because there is nothing like clean air, organic food, white sand beaches, and being able to just be.

I've never denied who I am or where I'm from and never will. I embrace every part of my dual heritage and celebrate it often.

It's all possible!

Thoughts on women redux

After talking to the boys about why they're still single, this is what they told me...

If women spent more time fixing their own problems instead of talking about other women, they'd be much better off.

Stop saying you want a man who has this or that, but you have nothing of substance to bring to the table.

If a man cheated on his wife with you, what makes you so special that he won't do it to you?

If a man does not take care of the children he already has, why would you have a child with him?

Tattooing a man's name on your neck/breast does not make you his wife/woman

It's okay be single; really

Sleeping with a man does not constitute a relationship

Know the rules before you play the game

Just because you have a good job, can cook, and f*ck like a porn star means nothing if there is no real depth to your personality

Seeing a man because he has a good job, lives in a nice home,  and dresses well doesn't make him the Right Man; he's still just a man

Woman should not be afraid of being a woman, but instead embrace it, live it, and be proud of it

Stop being acting like you don't need a man when you're doing all kinds of things to get a man

Woman can't press a man about being on the down low if they're not forthcoming about their sexual history

If you suspect a man is gay; he just might be.  Trust your instincts and walk away!

You can not fix a man

Learn to listen and let the man speak

There were many more things that were said, but I'll save them for another time

randoms

I think skinny dipping is great

Ever wonder if that cute girl/guy you've been crushing on will look as cute while they're sleeping?

If you became famous, how much of your life would you change?

I don't feel sorry for celebs who eff their lives up because I'm offended that they've squandered their talent and shit on those who are struggling to make it.

I had an opportunity to date celebs and turned it down. Just didn't want to 1) become just a f*ck and 2) didn't want my life to be on display by being with them

You're given $10,000 to get cosmetic surgery, what would you change and why?

Sometimes I look at the guys in men's magazines and wonder if 1) they're gay or 2) how big their penis is.

Kissing on the first date; a go or no go?

I have a mental crush on a few actors and wonder if they'd kiss as good in real life as they make it look on t.v

Then again, I'm not sure I'd really want to know because I'd be really disappointed if it were bad. This is the one time I think fantasy is better than reality

How come fat people always order diet drinks?

If you're completely compatible in every way with the object of your affection, but they can't really move you in bed, do you settle for bad sex or move on?

I considered changing my name to something else when I was younger and sometimes wish I'd gone through with it

How come smokers smoke in their car and then throw the butts out the window?

If a man masturbates, does that constitute murder? (been thinking about that for some time after watching Legally Blonde)

I've worn something and then taken it back for no other reason than I just wanted it for the occasion

I know stealing is wrong, but got quite a kick out of doing it when I was a kid. I'd be hard pressed to do it now though. Guess I've got too much to lose.

I feel guilty when I hear gospel songs that I don't like

I have a family member that I want to slap the taste out of her mouth so bad

If you found out you were dating your half-brother/sister how would you confront your parent(s)?

I like to send cards/notes through snail mail just because

I saw a boy in girls skinny jeans and it was very disturbing to me because he had a girlfriend. (since when were girls jeans interchangeable? Help!)

I've often wondered what it would be like to see myself through someone else's eyes...literally!

what makes me happy

Knowing and appreciating that I'm a child of God

Standing up even when I want to fall down

Seeing Lil Lady smile

Cooking and watching people eat

Playing tambourine in church

Spending time with my cousins in FL

Getting into or creating shenanigans

Hearts Desire

Being the woman i am

Waiting for love to come instead of forcing it to happen

Stolen moments

Being a blessing to others and being in a position to bless others

Hagen Daaz Five mint ice cream

Sunflowers and Calla Lillies

Being encouraged

It's all possible!

From afar

This past Saturday, i had an opportunity to see Heart's Desire as he was on the east coast for business.  In light of what I'm going through, seeing him was a pleasant detour from my current journey and sharing time with him filled in some of the emptiness in my life.

Our time was limited due to his having to head back to NY that evening, but limited time was still time enough as quality over quantity prevails in my book.

The feelings we have for each other are still very much in tact and it's amazing how two people remain so well connected in spite of a three thousand mile gap between them.  It served to remind me that distance is no match for what one feels in their heart.  Lil Lady likes him; even after only meeting him twice now and believes that the company he recently did business with will make him an offer he can't refuse and he'll be hack on the east coast.  She is absolutely convinced that he and I will end up together and that the current she in his life doesn't have his heart; I do.  Rather impressive and lofty thoughts, but I embrace them as we are well suited for each other.

Right now, I need every positive thought I can get and have, so I'll take it and tuck it into my heart as I continue to get little reminders that delay does not mean denial.

Enjoy your day family.

It's all possible!

where do i even begin?

It's funny; actually it's not, how life takes sudden turns that exceed the normal left turns in Albuquerque and leave you stranded on life's highway saying, "what happened, and how the hell did I get here?"

Well, of late that's been the state of my existence. I woke up one morning and found out that I was one of the many people who would be laid off due to the company losing the contract. I was neither shocked nor disappointed as I knew it had nothing to do with my work performance; however, the prospect of being unemployed didn't sit well with me as I like working. I did consider how long it would take me to become re-employed? Did I have enough saved as not to touch my IRA? And what would I do with my now abundance of free time?

I used the time to take on an autobiographical writing project that I've been encouraged to write for some time now. It began with some ease, but I hit a couple of roadblocks and put said project on hold. Shortly before I decided to take it on again, another spin out occurred...I was informed that someone who had a major roll in my life died suddenly and since that fateful day, my life has been somewhat of a blur.

As much as I want to go back to work, I realize that the timing of my job loss and the life loss afforded me the time to handle affairs that have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I have a gaping wide whole in my life and heart right now and have no idea how/when it'll close. Time heals they say, but I don't want time to heal a damn thing, I just want to hit rewind and get back what should still be here anyway.

Anger, pain, and frustration aside, I strive to move forward and embrace life and living a lot stronger/harder than I did before. I'm looking at life more closely and effectively because losing my recently turned 46 year influential person showed me that we don't know how/when our life will be over and we've got to find and hold on to things of substance; release ourselves from the drama/pain/toxicity and live and make things possible.

Those who know of my loss, tell me that I'm a strong woman and that I can get through this, but what if I don't want to be strong? What if I want or need to be weak? Does anyone ever consider that? Do people really think that just because one is perceived to be strong that they can handle all the shit the life drops in their life? Uhm? I'll take "no, for a thousand Alex!" Yes, I've overcome a lot of pain, adversity, and generally being screwed over and shit on in my life; all of which I can say I've gotten over; at least for the most part. But this, my dear readers, is not something I'm going to simply "get over". I'm not going to wake up one morning and think that his loss was a good thing. I'm not going to be stronger because he's gone. My strength doesn't make a Super Woman; all it does and has done is make me find alternative ways to deal with the crap. This not so much! I hate that he's gone! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!!!!

The ONLY summation I can give to this is that God must have one heck of a plan for me and that He's going to bless me with something amazing. All of these trials are the polishing tools to bring me to my most refined and ready point to receive His blessing. I have opened my heart and mind to this thought because I believe it and because it's the only thing that makes sense of the sudden changes in my life.


Well, that's all folks! I haven't re read this so I haven't a clue if it makes sense or follows any logical sequence, which would be in total keeping with my life.

It's all possible (whatever IT is)

More tales from the airport - flight home FLL to ACY

So, in fine keeping with my flight from ACY to FLL; my flight home was equally wrought with drama.

Given that I fly the same flight pattern for my return home, I arrived at FLL a little over an hour before my flight time and proceed to the security area only to be told I need to go to the end of the line. I'm immediately confused as the line was damn near a quarter line long and went out the door to the curb. Naturally, I think there's a mistake and promptly announce that my flight is departing within the hour and I need to get through security.

The Spirit staff tell me that it's not up to them, but the authority of the TSA to determine who can move through the line faster; and the TSA was less than accommodating by telling me I'm not the only one with a flight to catch and that I'll make my flight. Heavens to Murgatroid I say to myself as I stomp away fuming inside. I make a call to my cousin to give her the heads up that I'm cutting it close to making my flight and I might be spending another night in her home state. Of course she has no issue with that, but I really did want to get home.

By the grace of the divine powers that be, I manage to get through security and hustle my skinny jeans; stiletto heeled wearing self through the densely. populated terminal and board the plane. As I'm coming down the aisle, I make eye contact with this cute white boy who announces to the flight attendant that he's buying his boy in seat 1A a drink; so I inquire if he's buying me one too. He eyes me up and down, takes my hand and asks what seat I'm in. I tell him and he tells me that he's got me and asks what I'm drinking. Who'd have thought there would be some redemption for all the initial drama of making the flight?!

I throw down on the food I'd brought on with me and doze off momentarily. My snooze is promptly interrupted by the flight attendant who hands me my drink compliments of the cute white boy in seat 3A. I send a thank you note back with her and prepare to enjoy my richly deserved drink.

A Jack and Coke and a nap later, I arrive at ACY where I'm picked up by the BFF and blab on about my raucous weekend before getting going home to the comfort of my own bed and sleep on the memory of another great weekend with the best cousins a girl would ask for.


It's All Possible!

Tales from ACY update

So, we finally leave ACY about 3:00 pm after the delays and I situated myself and went to sleep.  Upon landing, I went through the minutia of retrieving my luggage, vacating the plane, and made my way out of the terminal to wait for my ride and then it hits me...IT'S COLD!  It was like in the mid 50s and I only had on a light denim jacket and a knitted scarf; thank goodness for the scarf though because it actually kept me warm.

I arrive at my cousin's eat; as it's imperative that I eat within an hour of landing or I will become ill. Don't ask.  It's some crazy altitude thing.  After eating, I make some calls to see what mischief I can get myself into.  Upon visiting my other cousin, I was given a bottle of Jamaica rum punch and anyone familiar with Jamaican White Rum compliments of Wray & Nephew knows that is some serious rum; essentially not for the novices.  Ironically, I'm rather scared of the stuff; however, it tasted so good (straight from the bottle) that I couldn't stop drinking it, and after my tentative plans failed to materialize, I ended up drinking, 3/4s of the bottle and lived to tell about it the next morning. My cousin drank the missing 1/4.

I'm hoping not to have tales from FLL upon my return as I'll be on the last flight for the day and have no desire to be stuck in an airport again.  Should some misfortune fall upon me, I'll simply call my cuzzie and have her come and get me and take the morning flight out.

Traveling is as enjoyable as it is stressful; however, it's a great means of transportation if you mentally innocculate yourself from the foolishness you endure in order to board.


It's all possible!

Tales from ACY (Atlantic City International Airport)

Given that I usually pack a week prior to travel, I should have seen my lack or typical preparation as a sign. After a morning of errands and a Dr appt, I arrived at ACY with enough time to endure the grueling Homeland Insecurity of the TSA in order to board the plane. I paid the ridiculous price of $2.31 for a 16oz fountain sode and sat in the eating area people watching as I devoured a sandwich, chips and my freshly spiked Pepsi. Altitude makes me hungry so I have to eat prior to flying; sometimes while in the air and within an hourof landing or the effects of not eating manifest in an ugly fashion.

So, after eating, I mosey to the gate and wait patiently for my flight. During my wait. I'm engaged in four separate conversations to pass the time. Blackberry's make excellent travel companions :-). My buzz is feeling good and I'm ready to get this road on the show (intentionally said backwards) for my weekend of fun. And then the dreaded announcement comes, "attention passengers on flight 235 nonstop to Ft. Lauderdale has been delayed due to a disabled plane on the runway. We're sorry for the inconvenience, but we'll have you on your way as soon as we can. Thank you for your patience and cooperation. Thank me for my what? What freaking choice did I have in the matter? I have no choice but to wait because making a scene won't move the plane and it will certainly get me escorted out by security. That would not be a good look and would have my name added to the TSA watch list.

So, I find a vacant seat as I'd been standing and park myself as I wait for another announcement. It comes in the form on the plane being moved and we're now looking at a 2:00pm departure. The original time of departure was 12:37pm. Good thing my ground transportation lives close enough to the airport and can still get me once I land. I'm also glad that modern technology afforded me the opportunity to communicate the constant change in. Departure.

I continue to sit and tell you my tale and then another passenger sits in front of me and announces he felt like he was in an episode of 24 after the level of interrogation and search he endured. Poor thing! I'm sure as hell glad it didn't happen to me because I'm not sure how well that would have gone.

Another announcement tells the anxious passengers that the plane was rerouted to LGA ( La Guardia) and would be arrive shortly and our newly scheduled departure would be @ 2:37pm; two hours after its original departure time.  Now, I have to txt my friend whom I planned to see upon landing to say I'll be even later. Hopefully, he'll still want to wait around for me ;-)


So, this is my tale from ACY.  A follow up post will be forthcoming to let you know if we actually leave on time and what frame of mind I was in upon arrival.  Oh, needless to say, my buzz is now BLOWN :-(


Its all possible!

New Tat

On my back right side, by my shoulder.  The words are in Sanskrit and mean Love, Trust, Harmony.  This makes #12.


It's all possible!

Favourite song of the moment

It's all possible!

Sanctuary

You came back into my life
And from day one
Effortlessly peeled away the layers
Until you reached my innermost sanctum
Taking up residency like a stubborn squatter
As if my soul was where you were supposed to be
© 2010



It's all possible!

Right Now

It's not a new song, but dammit if it's not a good one. I found it while searching for some decent music to listen to. It's perfect for those moments when you want to just kick back and chill. Check it out and thank me later ;-)

It's all possible!

enough already

 

This is what my house looked like during the last snow storm on 6 Feb.  We got more snow later in the week on Wednesday and Thursday.  We're starting to thaw out now and you can actually see my street and driveway etc.  I'm praying there' be no more snow or those of you who live in a warm state will be getting a house guest.

It's all possible!

No-homo

This post was inspired by Luv.

In the comment to my last post, Luv gave me compliment on my current pic and said, "yeah i looked at your pic and instantly was like what's wrong with these guys. you are gorgeous (no homo").

Why is it that we have to put a disclaimer on giving someone a compliment? Has society gotten that far out of control that we can't give someone of the same gender a compliment without being thought of as "homo"?

I think it's half past ridiculous that we're taking 'politically correctness' to this extreme. In fact, there is nothing I deem politically incorrect about giving someone a damn compliment. If someone is pretty, sexy, or whatever the verb of the day is and you want to speak on it, then dammit; speak on it. No one should have to preface what they're saying; especially when they're saying something nice.

I'm so sick and tired of everything having to have some kind of preface or disclaimer to it when it comes to everyday people, but if we're referring to a celebrity, it's okay to say they're whatever the complimentary very is for them. Don't try to sell me London Bridge cause 1) it doesn't exist and 2) it damn sure isn't in London and 3) I don't have that kind of cash anyway.

My point is, when you come to iS iT jUsT mE? you can whatever you'd like in response to my pix or what I post without prefacing it. Just know that if you come at me sideways without just cause, I'm going to give it back to you. I welcome debate, I just ask people to not use profanity or resort to name calling when trying to make their point.

Now, that all being said, please don't refrain giving someone a compliment if you feel they deserve it and certainly don't preface it as it then becomes backhanded and insincere.

That's my jewel dusting for the day and thanks again to Luv for the inspiration.

It's all possible!

It's a little sweeter!

Okay, since my last post, I've been hit by more snow than a woman a should have to shovel, but oh well, the good of the bad is that my arms, shoulders and back are in optimal condition.

Thank you all for your support and such with my last post and here's an update to that.

Since, The Him's email, we've continued to communicate as friends, although some of our conversations have taken not just a left turn Albuquerque; but went up the mountain too. How? You might ask, so I shall tell...

I volunteered to update his resume as he's going through some things at work and is seeking new employment. In doing so he thanked me and I replied saying, "my pleasure" and he sighed. Naturally, I was concerned and asked what could be wrong. He replied, "nothing I can fix right now". Me being me, said some encouraging things to boost his spirits thinking it was work related. A few minutes later, he said, "thanks. lol. It's YOU!" I blushed every hue of red, realizing the impact of what he said and meant. *cue Hawa's comment about "his little experiment*!

Anyhoo, the conversation went back and forth about his feelings for me and how connected he feels to me. This line of conversation went on for almost a week and it's blatantly obvious that his feelings are like the still river running deep and it's only the distance (he's on the left coast if I didn't mention that before) that's the problem.

So, here I am with feelings deep enough to swim in and I'm cool with that. I take comfort in knowing that the feelings involved are completely mutual and his honesty makes him even more attractive. We've lyrically spoken which is another effective means of our on-going communication and that in itself is rather attractive. *cue the harps and angels*

In closing, I'll say that this is probably the best relationship I've never had and I'm enjoying every waking minute of it. It feels good to feel and it's even better to know that there's reciprocity involved. Those who are in my innermost circle are all sending positive vibes into the universe and they're all conspiring in my favour to ensure that "his little experiment" does not produce favourable results and he becomes mine; all mine and the distance will be replaced.

It's great to have such wonderful cheerleaders in my life. *high kicks and pom-poms in the air*

There you have it readers; another update in the life of Blu Jewel.

Oh, B2B how'd do you like this pic?

It's all possible!

Bittersweet

Well, as you all know I’d fallen for an old friend and things between us were good. The distance as we both knew would present us with a problem. In spite of it, we managed to maintain and sustain good communication and correspondence.

It was known that we’d both been dating other people off and on; however, it didn’t take away from what we felt for each other. I had the biggest challenge of all because I’d prayed with my entire being that he’d be mine for keeps this year. The few people who knew the intricate details surrounded me with their support and encouraged me to allow myself to feel and fall; especially given what the former Him had taken me through.

I have absolutely no regrets for opening my heart and emotions and allowing myself to fall completely in love. Hell, I needed to experience it to know that I could in fact love someone other than the Former and the feelings go requited without compromise.

Well, last night; in the most sincere and even romantic of ways, the current Him said that he and the woman he’d been seeing on and off had discussed becoming monogamous and he was going to give it a go. Naturally, this is not what I wanted to hear; however, in the spirit of honesty and the respect for our friendship, how could I take the news that would bruise my heart badly? Yes, believe me, it felt like a mule kicked me in my gut, but again, he was open and honest with me and that means far more to me than losing him. The reality is that I haven’t lost him entirely; we’re still friends and will remain as such. We’ll continue to correspond; we just have to do it within different confines. I will not flirt and/or be suggestive in any way as that defiles both my integrity and his pending relationship.

I sincerely wished him well with his decision and told him that I hope she treats him well or she’ll have me to deal with. *lol* You know I had to go there.

All jokes aside, I can only love and respect him more for his candor and honesty and it attests to the wonderful man that he is inside and out. He even stated that ordinarily he’d just stop communicating, but his affinity toward me prevented him from doing that and I deserved the truth. Wow!

So, there you have it; the update on my love status. I guess I’ll resume my seat on the back of the bus and keep riding until it’s worth getting off again.

On Forgiveness - Sins of a Mother

"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." Matthew 5:11

I refer to this scripture because I hold it very near and dear to my heart and life. Why? Because throughout my life there have been people who have spoken ill against me or have chosen to persecute me for their own gain. Yes, we've all had moments in our lives where someone has been less than loving in their actions or speech to us, but when your own mother is the one speaking ill of you and thus, persecuting you, there is a very big problem.

At various points in my life, my mother has spoken ill about me based on speculation, assumption, or from jealously. Note that my mother harbours a level of residual anger and bitterness that has lasted over 4 decades and she's yet to let it go. I, on the other hand, have gotten over said anger/bitterness and have put full closure on old hurts. I'm not sure if that's actually the root of why she speaks ill of me and seeing as I've never asked, I'm still none the wiser. In addition, I've accomplished much in my life that she's either wanted to do or was never able to do, so maybe that's a part of it too.

In spite of her many shortcomings in her parental and motherly role, I will give credit where credit it due. She's strong, independent, and very able. She's not afraid of hard work and has fulfilled the joke of Jamaicans working many jobs. She's never counted on a man to sustain her and to date continues to work while her husband; my stepfather took an early retirement almost a decade ago. She came though for me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through my treatment and surgeries. It's credit I will never take from her; however, it still doesn't erase that she feels it's okay to defile me for no apparent reason.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ²"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."^a]">[a] ⁴Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-5

I refer to this scripture because in the midst of my mother berating and defiling me, she referred to said scripture, but only the first and second verse. How convenient.

I digress...The point I'm making is how easy it is for people; in this case my mother, to speak about what she doesn't know. Little does my mother know that I'm a sexual abuse and a rape survivor. Why doesn't she know? 1) because she didn't pay enough attention to me to notice a change in my behaviour, 2) I spared her from such knowledge, and 3) I didn't trust her enough to feel comfortable telling her. I spent a little over 3 decades of my life self-mutilated and bordered on an eating disorder. There are these and many other things that I've spared her from knowing, yet, she regards me as some relationship reject. How she can do is astounds me when she remains in a loveless marriage and they simply coexist because neither had the balls to get out of it. But because I divorced my ex-husband and am currently single, she sees me as wasting my life. The fact is, I'd rather continue to be single and happy than to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Out of her children, I'm the only one with a college education; a career, and has a mortgage. Even though I didn't remain with Lil Lady's father, I never disparaged him in front of her or made her feel like she had to chose between one of us or the other; things that I was subjected growing up. I graduated from Basic Training in the top 10 percent of the class and I went through Basic with males AND females, which is a military rarity as they do not typically mix genders.

Again, I digress. It's apparent there is much to be said about this situation, but I'm trying to remain on topic. Here goes...

Last Saturday, my mother took it upon herself to defame me to my twin cousin. She went on and and on about how I didn't do this or that, or how I've squandered my life, and how she never wanted this or that for me. Not once, she she consider that what she was doing was and is wrong. Not only was she speaking ill of her only daughter, she was speaking ill of me to a cousin (on my father's side) that she'd only met once before and with whom I'm extremely close. My cousin tried to interject and defend me, but my mother didn't want to hear it until finally my cousin found a way to flip the conversation.

My cousin was hurt and disgusted and had to remain silent until I'd returned home to tell me what happened. We spent the better part of an hour talking about it and deciding how it should be handled. The next morning I called her to say that I was okay albiet still confused and upset, but I was confident the church service would make me feel better. As I sat in church contemplating whether or not to testify on it, I finally did and it actually felt good to release it in order to work through it. The service was on point and I began to feel my spirit take course. For the duration of the week, my cousin and I prayed, read the word, and meditated on how we should deal with both the situation and my mother. By the end of the week, we realized that no matter what my mother said or why she said it, was on her. It was not our issue and we should not allow it to affect us. It doesn't matter what my mother thinks of me, I know I'm a good person, I've worked hard without compromising myself to get where I am now, and for the negative words of one, there are many who can speak to the contrary.

It was a hard week and it took a long time to come to a place of true peace and full forgiveness. I'm completely comfortable in the approach that I took and I'm not going to carry the baggage of another as mine. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about the forgiver.

I've said all of this to say, that we must look beyond the situation and seek a solution. We must consider the cause and effect of what we're facing and see what would truly be gained or lost with confrontation. Forgiving isn't easy, but doing the right thing never is.

It's all possible!

my bad!

I know I was on a roll for minute with my blogging and I was enjoying the daily postings, but I've fallen off the wagon and I'm sorry about that. I will get back on effective tomorrow. And trust me, I've got a lot to say.

I'll start with some random stuff...

Men are coming out of the woodwork right now, but none of them are The Him that I want.

The current lunar phase is wreaking havoc; havoc I tell you on my hormones. ARGH!

My spiritual walk is amazing and I'm so enjoying it.

I finally got my way with the oncologist and am now seeing him every six months instead of every three.

My sense of purpose is becoming more clearly defined

I'm going to go back to school and get my certification in Womens Studies.

I'm planning a retreat at my house this summer

Lil Lady got accepted to my Alma Mater

I have some new inspiration for my writing

Temptation is really knocking hard on my door.

Okay, that's all for now, and you will get something of substance VERY soon.



It's all possible!

Act of kindness

As we all know, the earthquake in Haiti has devastated the island and has left tens of thousands of people dead, homeless, and in an even more grave state than before. Naturally, this saddened people globally and now people are rallying to come to the aid of Haitians.

Why is it that it always takes something like that for people to share their humanity for those less fortunate than themselves? Hell, why can't people just be kind a caring period?

Coming from a Jamaican family, I know first hand the importance of taking care of your own and those around you. Jamaicans are a proud people, but never too proud to give and help others. Jamaican families that leave JA always send barrels of food and clothing back to their family and community to ensure people are taken care of. If they can't send the item that way, they'll find someone who's going home and ask them to carry things for them. It's a cultural practice that is almost innate. I know many other islands have the same practice, so why can't people here do it for their neighbours and/or communities?

I live less than 1o minutes from a town the produces the high concentration of blueberries in the nation. Each year, these farms use migrant workers from South America and Haiti to cultivate said farms. Last summer I was plagued with the thought of what to do with several bags of clothes and shoes that I no longer had need for, but didn't really want to give them to the local agencies as I know for fact that some of them aren't dispensing the items to the intended recipients. After driving through what's locally called Haitian Nation; the area where the Haitians workers are housed, I decided I would give them the clothing/shoes. I practiced my French and delivered the clothing/shoes to the very grateful people who thanked me profusely for my kindness.

Doing this brought so much joy to my soul and I felt good for my choice of recipients. This is something I've decided I will continue to do every summer. Sadly, I'll be doing it under far more grave conditions this year. The clothing/shoes that I would have given locally will now be sent to Florida to a dear friend who is Haitian and still currently waiting to hear from his father and other family/friends. The toiletries that I planned to send to my friend serving in Afganistan will also go to my friend in Florida as I'm sure they'll be in greater need there.

I'm sick and tired of people just jumping on the bandwagon to help others in their times of crisis and need. Family, let's perform acts of kindness daily. I'm sure each of us has something we can give to others in our neighbourhoods, communities, and such daily, so let's be thankful and grateful for the abundance we have and find it in our hearts to pay it forward in some way. This is what love for humanity is all about and we must work together globally to ensure others can be equally blessed.

My heart is full today y'all. I feel personally affected by this as I lost family in Jamaica last year with the massive storms. I can't watch telly or be on the web as flashbacks of worrying for my family come back to mind or even the devastation of Katrina brings me to tears. So again I say and implore each of you who read this blog to do something; anything for someone else. A small deed can go a long way.


It's all possible!

It's All About Him :-)

December 28th 2009 is now a historic day for me

Thinking of him makes me smile

Hearing his voice is soothing/comforting

Knowing the feeling is mutual is amazing

Distance can’t erase what I feel inside

This is an awesome feeling

I prayed and claimed him as mine

I get giddy when I speak about him

I’m so happy I’m not longer stuck on stupid with the other him

The song ‘He Is’ by Heather Headley makes me think of him

The song for his ring tone is ‘A Kiss to Remember’ by Pamela Williams


It's all possible!

Question of the day?

If you, male or female got involved with someone while they we in a relationship or marriage with someone else, do you think you could trust them to be in a committed relationship with you should their other relationship/marriage fell apart?

I’ve been thinking about this question for quite some time and the more I thought about it, the more I felt it would make for a good topic of blog conversation.

From my own experience, I can’t see how any good can come of a relationship that was built on lies, dishonesty, and distrust. I married my ex-husband who was married when I started dating him and he ended up cheating on me. I never thought it would happen as we’d been through so much together and it was truly one of those cases where he stayed married for the kids, but that’s still no excuse. He had to lie and sneak around to be with me, so what made me think I was so special that when push came to shove, he wouldn’t treat me in kind to how he treated his ex-wife?

I know someone who got her current husband the same way and I’m sure not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about that. Why? Because given that this woman does not have to work, has two wonderful children, lives in an estate home, drives a luxury car, and whose husband earns enough to take them on nice vacations etc on his high 6-figured income; she’s still unhappy. Why? Because when your husband travels for business, you find yourself wondering if he’s messing around. Why? Because he used to mess around on with you while he was married to his ex-wife.

There is a very fine line between fidelity and infidelity and it’s one that we must tread upon lightly. I don’t think that everyone is going to cheat and many haven’t, but I’m sure it’s fair to say, that there are many who’ve thought about it.

Given that I’ve partaken in it, I can’t call the kettle black by saying there are justifiable reasons for it, so from what I’ve been through; no good can really come of it.

Now, you’ve heard what I have to say; your turn!


It’s all possible!

What is your reflection?

1 Tim. 4:12 says, "Be an example in believers of the word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

As I've gone through the many trials and triumphs of life, I always make a point to give credit where credit is due even if the person may have harmed me in some way? Why? Because there is a lesson learned in every experience and in spite of someone's perceived bad, they still possess some inherent good.

In spite of some extremely questionable parenting, my mother is an incredibly strong woman and has shown me how to be a strong, independent, and self-sufficient woman. Like her, I can do many things that most would consider 'manly' tasks, but for her; and now me, if it needs to be done, then just do it. She's endured much and continues to forge on through. While that part of her taught me some bad lessons of endurance, it's also shown me that one must find their way and never stop moving.

My father is another questionable character; however, he has a very strong work ethic and is punctual. These are two traits that I can say I like about him and that I have inherited.

There are others who've led by example whom have touched my life in immeasurable ways and to each of them I say thank you as you've molded me into the woman I am today.

Now to my overall point...

Since September, I've been mentoring my cousin who was in dire need of a life transformation. I've helped get her back on her spiritual path and we pray daily and share the word. I've shown her that there is a big difference in shedding your clothes and shedding your soul. She's learning that a quick temper isn't always the best way to handle a problem and that words can be like pointing a loaded gun at someone.

Through my lead/example, she's seeing there is so much more to life and love than what she'd been doing and settling for. Almost daily, she thanks me for taking the time to talk to her and with her; instead of about her as some of the family has done. No one took the time to see past the wall she'd erected to get to know the wounded little girl that lived on the other side. Given that I see so much of myself in her, it was easy to not be fooled by the smile and party girl ways she portrayed.

I walk with her as her cousin, friend, and mentor because everyone needs modeling. None of us are too young or old to learn and grow. We can not expect people to just know things. If we've come through the flames, it's in our best interest to raise up those who are following behind us. Each one; teach one, should not be a catch phrase.

The learning lesson for today is: A good example has more value than good advice.

We can all talk the talk, but are we walking the walk? Today, I challenge you to look within yourself and see if you're reflecting your true self. Look deep and see if you're an example someone should be following. I further challenge you to; if you're not already, find someone to mentor and bless them with the tools and resources they'll need to make it.

Have a blessed day.


It's all possible!

Open Letter #3 - A Day Late!

So, this morning, just as I pulled into my church's parking lot I received a call from The He that I posted about in Open Letter #2. I'm thinking his timing couldn't be any worse, but I answered the call anyway.

He was very sterile in his tone and said he "needed" to speak with me. After instructing him to do go ahead, I listened to his words and once he was finished, I simply said, "you do whatever you need to do, I've always told you that"; politely ended the call and went into what was the most amazing and when I tell you amazing services; I'm still doing it no justice. I digress because I didn't bring you all here to tell you that.

Anyway, The He rambled on about how he needs to take time to get his life right blah, blah, and yada, yada and said that while he was going through whatever processes he needs to, he wouldn't be contacting me. And? It's not like he was making any major contributions to my life anyway. Little did he know that I was already steps ahead on him in that department. Given that I'd written Open Letter #2 on Dec 9th, his sudden revelation was of no surprise or consequence to me; maybe that's why I didn't send it in the first place.

Whether The He realizes it or not, I have the spirit of discernment and while I once put it on the curb and drove away from it like I was abandoning an unwanted puppy, I've since gone back for it and use it wisely and use it well. My spirit had already prepared me for this day and I was neither shocked nor surprised why the words of his call. I know this man better than he obviously knows himself and I didn't need to react in any way other than the way I did.

You see, when you've come to a place of peace and contentment with yourself and your life, there isn't much that can disrupt that. I pray my strength in the Lord daily and His words and the manifestation of them keep me shrouded in a warm cloak of spiritual protection. I truly believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I know the truth of the words, "Blessed is he when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely". I've overcome far worse than The He saying he's taking "time out" from our friendship. Whatever! (Said, in my Becky voice)

I actually rejoice in that fact that I know I'd given my all as a friend and sometimes a lover to him for 14.5 years (the lover part not served concurrently), so for him to not want to include me in his life for now or forever is no big deal.

The man that I'm supposed to be with with come. I'm free and open to receive that and now more than ever, I know this to be true. I am more than happy; I'm elated! I'm free from any and all emotional bondage and there is not a damn thing anyone can do to me from hence forth that I haven't already had happen. As I said, I know from whence my strength comes.

Today's sermon came from Ephesians 3:14-21 for any of you who read the word. Not only did the scripture strengthen me, the way it was delivered fed my soul and I know that I am exceedingly abundantly good and in a wonderful place in my life.

So, in closing I can say, "you're a day late and $100 dollars short babe, because as always, I'm one step ahead. Blessings to you and your life and may the journey you're on give you the clarity you seek and may you one day finally be at peace."

Readers, I wish you all a fabulous day and may your week ahead be filled exceedingly abundantly well.


It's all possible!

Standards

Men – Do you routinely practice acts of chivalry? I’m defining it as, doing things for woman that could have been taught in “charm” school or that are considered old school/traditional behavior. Do you have a problem opening doors, being prompt, allowing the woman to go first; things of that nature? How many of you still believe in the fine art of courting and dating? Yes, it’s a given that you might sex; hell, we want it too, but are you willing to wait for it?

Women – Do you routinely accept or expect this kind of behavior? Are you willing to allow the man to lead, to do kind things without thinking he has an agenda, and would you reciprocate in kind? Do you also believe in the art of being courted and dated? Are you willing to wait for sex?

Why am I asking this? Well, as a strong, independent, and assertive woman, I still appreciate and sometimes expect those traditional/chivalrous values. I carry myself in a ladylike manner and expect to be treated accordingly. I thoroughly enjoy being treated like a lady. I still hold an appreciation for the traditional values that don’t seem to be taught in our homes and society these days. How can we expect our children to know how to act if they’re not taught?
We need to get out of the habit of thinking sex or attraction equals the making of a good relationship. We need to seek substance, good and consistent qualities and not think that because he looks good on paper, makes him a good mate. Think about the character Blair Underwood played in Madea’s Family Reunion who from the outside was the perfect catch; meanwhile he was beating chicks ass often. Instead of Mr. Looks Good on Paper, why not consider Mr. Cable Guy who can fix ish around the house, listen to you when you’ve had a bad day, instead of beating your ass at the end of it.

Men, I’m asking you to stop treating woman as disposable objects and consider how you’d feel if some dude was doing that very same thing to your mother, sister, or daughter. I’m asking you to see beyond the fat ass and tig ol bitties! Look for her heart and her entire being. Find her core and share yours with her.

In speaking with a man who not only routinely, but proudly treats women in a polite and respectable fashion, he advised me that some women do not like it or understand it. I looked at him like, “are you serious?” In a day and age where women are often complaining there are no real men still in the world, here one is and he’s being under appreciated. He said, there was an occasion where he took a woman to a formal function and she didn’t know how to use the various utensils. On another occasion he said, the woman he was out with asked him what he wanted/expected because he was treating her in such a nice way. Can you believe such a thing? Sadly we can, because women have and continue to sell themselves out for dinner, a bill payment, or something material thing. I thought it was a shame that a woman would even think like that. But I guess it’s the times we live in where everything comes with a price.
If, as a man or woman don’t know how to receive this treatment, speak to someone you know who has a good relationship and ask for some advise. Let’s all stop hiding behind walls to so-call protect ourselves and instead work with and for each other to bring the walls down. Let’s start with the root and work upward from there. Let’s have real and honest dialogue and get to know the real person behind the suit, overalls, nice car, home, or whatever gets you so easily caught up and distracted.

Personally, a man who opens/holds doors, escorts me under an umbrella, has good table manners, engages in good and interactive conversation is wonderful. No, it’s not just about sex, it’s simply about being polite and respectable. As ladies, we should learn to accept and appreciate that there are men who still uphold these values and show him that we enjoy it. Remember it’s the simple things that carry the most weight. My brothers, please learn these things if you haven’t already and my sisters, allow a man to lead and show him you are thankful that he’s treating you like a lady and not like a bitch or ho.

My brothers and sisters, there is no harm in being single and wear that title proudly. You still as empty after hooking up as you were before you did it, so consider how much you’re really getting for what you’re giving. Temporary gratification is no match for long term reward/satisfaction. I was celibate for almost 3 years once before and I’ll do it again before I use myself as a cum dumpster in the name of sexual independence.

Let’s get out there and teach our children and our neighbours the value of self-worth/respect. Hell, let’s check our peers and help them see the error of their ways. We can’t help each other if we talk about them instead of too them. I know what you’re saying, “they’re grown, they’re gonna do what they wanna do”. Yes, that could very well be true, but consider that this could be simply learned behavior because no one taught them any better or they didn't have any real examples to follow.

Let’s try to think outside the box luvies and start doing things to uplift ourselves in order to have relationships of substance. Remember this though, you can’t ask for something of another if you’re not right with yourself first.


It's all possible!

Thursday’s Thoughts! (Random miscellany)

My faith and spiritual walk are in optimal condition right now

Even when I think I’m at my worst, I know God still sees me at my best

I looked back at some recent pix of myself and if I say so myself, I wear the heck out of simple black dresses.

Just so you know, there is no such thing as too many black dresses; just as there’s no such thing as too many pairs of shoes

I have aged well and gracefully compared to my high school and college counterparts

In comparison to how I was raised, I’m a damn good parent

There’s nothing more special than your child saying, “I’m proud of you mommy” and “thank you for all that you do for me”.

The view from where I stand is awesome!

Blogging again feels really good

I thank LadyLee for that. She said she missed me writing and she betted me $10 to write daily. I’m doing pretty well so far

Cleaning house and closing doors has never felt so good

Starting this year out in church was the most amazing feeling of joy and satisfaction

The New Him…mmmm!

I’m keeping my arms tightly wrapped around life and celebrating every blessed day that I have

Love! So much to say about it, but I’d rather feel it instead!

Lil Lady will be 18 this year and as mature as she is, she still knows she needs her mummy

There is going to be the most amazing and positive shift in my life within the next 5 months; I can feel it

I sometimes detour from the path, but God never leaves my side when I do

Don’t tell me; show me!

Blessed is he (she) when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely. Thank you to all my enemies, naysayers, and haters because I’m still here and doing well I might add.

Compliments are only as good as the sincerity behind them

Speak positivity into your life daily

I’m so enjoying being an example worth following


It's all possible!

Open Letter #2 - Moved on!

I actually wrote this letter in early December when I was finally transitioning out of emotional bondage into the well-deserved emotional freedom I have now. After another recent epiphany, I decided to post it. I'd previously shared it with a couple of my near and dear girls, whom immediately encouraged me to send it to The Him, but I said it wasn't really written with the intent to send it; moreso just to purge my thoughts/feelings. Well, it's a new day; a new year; a new decade; and most of all; a better me, so I'm now fully releasing this into the universe as I continue to pray that The New Him will be mine instead.

First let me preface this by saying that I am in no way bitter, angry, or any negative emotion one can think of. In fact, I’m completely lucid, emotionally liberated, and happy; very happy. Furthermore, none of this is said to hurt, insult or offend, but merely to express some things that were not previously said.

My moment of sublime emotional clarity came when I realized that while I’m the gold at the end of the rainbow, you are simply not ready for receiving what 1) has always been yours and 2) that you’re afraid to be rich with all the emotional rewards that come with being with a woman like me. Yes, I realize I sound extremely arrogant right now, but I can honestly say that I’ve very much earned that right. I’ve worked hard to be a women of amazing character; whole, sustained; and one capable of being loved fully; wholly; and loyally. I’m the woman that you bring home to your mother and say, “she’s The One!” Additionally, I’m the woman who loves her man for and in spite of his flaws who’ll not try to change him into what I want or think he should be. If I fell in love with him, then I’ve fallen in love with every piece of him good or bad.

I’m the woman who knows she’s his missing rib to make both he and her whole, but is secure enough in herself to still be able to function without him while; all the while still providing the necessary balance in his life.

Women like me will seek her continued growth, asks her man to inspire and encourage her, as she takes her many and varied walks in life. I’m the woman who’ll love and accept you at your worst and be your biggest cheerleader when you’re at your best. I’m that woman who knows that being her mans friend and partner is far more important than being his lover. She knows that there’ll be times when she will not like her man, but will love him no matter what and will use his deficits as ways to find the root problem and work toward healing and growth instead of condemning and emasculating him.

I will respect his time and space and know that just because he wants to be alone doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with me in favor of something or someone else. I will know that he needs to have his own escapes and things he enjoys without me. I will support and encourage that and know that the times when we’re together and doing things as a couple is equally important to him and us.

I’m the woman who knows she doesn’t have to compete or feel insecure because I’m secure in myself and trust that he’s with me because that’s what he wants and where he wants to be. My man will not have to fight to maintain us because we’ll have built our relationship on firm and solid ground. We’ll have built a foundation on friendship, on trust, on mutual respect, and honest communication. I’m the woman who knows when to be silent and when/how to listen.

As I said before, any man who gets me has gotten a woman who God has cleansed and made whole. He’ll find his rightful partner and will honor and cherish me as his friend, his partner, and his Queen. He’ll know without a doubt that he’s made the right choice and will do nothing to inflict harm in any form to me.

My life’s experiences have shown me that in order to have the man and the love I deserve I cannot and will not allow myself to settle for first place second. I must always seek to be first and wear the crown. I must not allow myself to be deluded, mistreated, or left feeling unworthy. If I can’t be where I know I’m supposed to be, then it’s best that I not be involved with any man until he knows and appreciates a woman’s worth.

Any woman who knows her worth will not need to resort to drastic measures in order to secure a man or his affections. She will simply walk tall with her head held high and know that God didn’t make her to be used or abused. She’ll know that she is a temple and that her hallowed walls are sacred and are only to be shared with a man who’ll know not to defile her, but worship her and cherish his opportunity to have been afforded such a bestowed privilege.

I am this woman. I am the all the woman I have spoken of and I shall never be anything less than that.

Of your own choosing you walked away from the very thing you want most in the world and I didn’t stop you because I know I didn’t need to. Your decision wasn’t born of a need to stop running and fight; instead of your own fear of losing a good thing. Your fear is that I’ll somehow change and you’ll not only lose the love that’s been there for you and with you without ever asking anything of you. Furthermore, you seem more content in knowing that you’ll always have that safe place to go to when your world falls apart, as it always seems to do, which is really foolish if you’re honest enough to think about it because if you put me in my rightful place in your life, you’d know that your fear is unwarranted.

I am the woman who knows you as you know yourself and in some ways moreso. I’m the woman whom you trust implicitly and knows will never do anything to cause conflict in your life. All the things you’ve ever wanted in a woman are here with me and yet you once again chose another. I’m beyond confused how you can quantify that, but that’s your call. You can’t say you’re going to fight for something when you’ve had something right in front of you that you never had to fight for because it was yours to begin with. I’ve learned you somehow enjoy the turmoil and act of the fight. Fighting is indicative of their being an underlying problem and you have to resort to great means to make things work. Philosophy dictates if you have to fight that hard, then it’s not working. I know my God does not want us to suffer and I know He wants us to love and be loved the right way. He makes changes in our lives for a reason; however, we tend to think we know better and in contradicting Him, we find ourselves caught up and caught out there.

Well, my dear, I live my life knowing that I’m worthy in so many ways. I live knowing that I don’t need to invest where there is no yield. I can’t and won’t live in a manner that’s not conducive to my life’s goals and desires and expect a different result. So, it’s with that thought that I can say all of what I’ve said. I can proudly say I AM THAT WOMAN! I’m God’s blessed and divine creation and He’ll not have me in a situation I shouldn’t be in.

He brought you back in my life to teach me the lesson of forgiveness, love, and friendship and I can honestly say that I’ve passed with honors. My shoulders bear no weight, my life is conflict free, and those I keep close are worthy of me as I am them. My life has endured some tough breaks, but it’s also given me plenty to live for and aspire to.

If it’s so ordained that you and I are to be more than friends, then that’s a venture I’m willing to take; maybe! However, in the mean time, I shall live life fully and happily. I will embrace each day and find the sun in spite of the rain. My life will be a series of opportunities more taken than missed as I refuse to settle in any form.

It's all possible!

First poem of 2010

I'm still working on it; or at least I think I am, but this is what I've got so far...

The complex composite of your being
Subsides into anticipation of my proximity
You yield open and willingly powerless to defeat
Lost in the sublime reverie of our moment
Freefalling into the blissful abyss
Where open arms welcome you with a first embrace
The softness of a familiar but yet still unknown
Sensation of this; our first kiss
Setting us free; now capable of submission
Having grown weary of the confine
Gentle brushstrokes applied in vivid colour
Manifestations of loves spectrum exposed


It's all possible!

A few clouds above 9

I'm experiencing this really great feeling and it's making me happier than I've felt in longer than I can even remember. I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on the Quarterback. I get giddy when I talk about him and I'm so sentimental that I keep his BBMs (BlackBerry Messanger) messages. Today his status read "she takes me to another level". Talk about make a girl feel good. He said I made his day and put a smile on his face. He has done the same for me.

I'm pleased that the attraction and feelings are mutual and while I don't know what the future holds, I hope that he'll be a part of mine.

I've prayed on this feeling and asked God to let His will be done with this. Time will tell.

It's all possible!

Open Letter #1 - Dear Self

Dear Self:

You've come from the valleys to the mountains peak and there is no turning back. You have overcome so much and your are a shining example of God's grace, favour and mercy for those who remain vigilant and faithful. You are the victory as are no longer a victim and every trial you faced, you found a triumph in it. No lesson; no matter how ugly or painful was a bad one as you learned from it and walked away with clarity and understanding.

You've embraced life and live it to it's full potential. You are a role model for those who need one and you pride yourself in your spiritual walk as you know it's the best path to be on. While you may trip or stagger; heck, you may even fall, but as long as you get back up and continue to ask Father to bless and keep you, your bruises will not last.

You are a whole, complete, and sustained woman who knows her place in this world and knows that everything done with purpose and intent on a foundation of love will flourish.

You will receive your reward and rejoice loudly and proudly with those who walk with you, hold you up when you're down, and support you. This year you will receive love in it's right form. You will be with someone who'll appreciate the woman you are and encourage you to continue to bloom in your garden of life.

Each and everyday you will seek and find the good knowing that the only reason why life is complicated is because people make it that way. You will be a part of solutions and not situations and your beauty shall continue to shine from within as that's where Father's light lives.

I love you; encourage you; cherish you; and will always take care of you.

Live this life well my dear as there is no encore.


It's all possible!

Happy New Year - 2010

I closed out 2009 with so much enlightenment and clarity that I couldn't do anything else but spend New Years Eve in church. I attended service in Brooklyn, NY at Christian Cultural Center and let me tell you there was some serious praise and worship going on there.

I was reluctant to attend service in my Puma tracksuit, but honestly I'm glad I did, because I felt like I got a work out from the service. I danced, I sang, and I rejoiced in the name of my heavenly Father.

I know I started my new year with a clear heart, mind, and a happy spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be an amazing year. I have a new mantra for 2010 "It's all possible". I know that success comes not always from accomplishing the goal, but at least having the courage to take the step toward it.

I wish all of you a year full of love, happiness, good health, renewed faith, and all the blessings that are yours to receive.

It's all possible!