Last one for 2009 - All kinds of random stuff

I stopped being a martyr and emotional tampon for people. I chose self-preservation over selflessness because there are those who take it for granted.

There are far too many people who should just relinquish their parental rights because having a child does not immediately qualify you to be a parent.

The time we spend coveting what others have instead of being grateful for what we have is a complete waste of time and makes you ignorant to the fact that there are people worst off you than you think you are.

Alcohol on an empty stomach can get you into some serious mischief.

Memory gaps from said alcohol induced mischief is even funnier when you and the other party are giving your own versions of the same incident.

Why? Oh why, do we care so much about the lives of celebrities and not our own families?

I'm in a restaurant that has a communal sink area and this guy finds me attractive and starts talking to me. I'm in the process of brushing my teeth and he's still talking to me. So my question is, why did he think he needed to stand and wait until I was done and try to score for my number? Second, why did he think I was even attracted to him anyway?

On that same topic, why do people assume because they find you attractive, you find them attractive?

I wear my headphones in public even when I'm not listening to music just so people won't talk to me.

Just because I'm not wearing a ring doesn't mean I'm not involved.

How is it that the line you're in is always the slow one, so you change lanes and then that line moves slow.

I'm as nice as you think I am, but harmful if provoked.

I learned the power in the gift of forgiveness.

Great moments of 2009
Love, forgiveness, an improved spiritual walk, and the willingness to take amazing leaps of faith

Lil Lady told me she was proud of me and thanked me for being her mum/bestie

I released myself from emotional bondage

My birthday weekend and my weekend with my twin cousin

The day I joined Macedonia Baptist Church

Knowing I can fall in love again

Writing four amazing poems

Facebook bringing someone/thing new and interesting to my life

My Mother's Day and Birthday card from Lil Lady

Making it through the year without major incident

All good health reports

Continued friendships

My blog family

I wish each and everyone of you a Happy New Year. May all of your goals be met. May your prayers be answered. And may love and happiness reign supreme in your lives.

Love to live; live to love! This is not just a catch phrase, but something to truly live by

Christmas dislikes/likes

DISLIKES

People who constantly ask if you're ready for Christmas

Things advertised that aren't in stock

The reason for the season is not honoured

The excessive things that people do

The demand of it all

People asking what I want for Christmas

The lack of real appreciation and honest sentiment

People who only help charities and such at this time of year only

Christmas music playing the day after Halloween

Mall overcrowding and rude people

LIKES

How Lil Lady always digresses to a childlike state of being

Decorating the house

Wrapping gifts

Buying gifts out of love not obligation

Cooking

Renewed spiritual walk

My special egg nog

Sharing time with friends/family

Wishing each and everyone a beautiful holiday season. God bless and remember always to love to live; live to love!

The Madness of Married Men

So, in my last post, I mentioned how I was propositioned by a married man and how I gracefully declined his oh, so generous offer to be his 1st Place Second, His Jump-Off, His Mistress, His Friend with Benefits, F*ck Buddy, or any one of the many names one can assign to someone screwing a married man.

Since declining, he has not withdrawn from engaging in conversation with me even though I clearly stated that he and I could not and would not be more than friends citing that he was cool with it. Well, news flash, he's a gosh damn liar! But who would be surprised by that given that he cheats on his wife.

Save for one conversation, he's found a way to turn everything we talk about into a sexually toned conversation. Now, I'm no prude and am clearly uncensored, so I've replied to some of his inquiries, but always deferred to the man whom I felt the query spoke to. I never, and I do; loud and clearly say, never defer anything to said married man directly or even indirectly. I tell him I have no reason to wonder what he's like in bed. I've stated that I have no desire to entertain such curiosity as it serves neither of us a purpose; yet he continues.

So, after this mornings conversation where he stated he wished he could have be available to put lotion on me and or watch me putting lotion on, I politely said, I was quite capable of performing said job all by myself.

Given that my need for cerebral stimulation far surpasses the trivial and quite frankly rather boring topic of sex, I've grown rather less than enthused with his ability to provide me with the correct form of conversational interaction that I so desire. Therefore, I shall have to "give him the biznezz", quoting my twin cuzzie who is rather adept and telling people about themselves. While I have absolutely no problem giving people the bizness, I usually try to deflect and see if they'll see the error of their ways first. Well, it's apparent that MM just isn't quite getting that I'm not interested in his need to make all conversations sexual, so he's gonna get the bizness.

I'm going to let him know in no uncertain terms that he has 2 choices 1) engage me in a respectable and dignified manner or 2) cease and desist in any future conversation with me.

I can not and will not be party to any form of conduct that could lead to my integrity to be compromised. I shall not be party to his need to be so overtly sexual that he can't have a contain himself in a dignified manner. And finally, I will not allow myself to be demeaned in any manner. I pride myself on being a classy woman and I require that I'm treated accordingly.

I wonder how he'd feel if someone were approaching his wife in the same fashion he's coming at me? Maybe I could arrange that...

And that's my dime in the bucket for today. As always, love to live; live to love!

My dime in the bucket

So, with the plethora of things going on in the news and world around me, I thought I'd voice my opinion on a few on them.

Issue #1
So, what is the deal with people who have Facebook pages, but don't have a profile pic? What kind of foolishness is that? I mean, it's call FACEbook for a reason, so one would assume that you should have your face up. Furthermore, why do people pic their childhood pix up or pix of their children. Can I tell you how much this pisses me off? I think it's frustrating, annoying, and senseless. If you don't want people to know what you look like NOW then you shouldn't have a damn FB page. Oh, another thing that I can't stand on FB are the people who put pix of themselves up when they were younger and/or more attractive. Don't they think at some point someone will want to do a face to face and then they'll be seen for who they are NOW? Ugh, the unnecessary practices people use for social networking.

Issue #2
No, Tiger Woods is not off limits either, but I'm going to come at it from a different angle. I think Elin knew that he was cheating, but played the doting wife/mother who would never think her husband would do anything like that. I think she is a sneaky little woman who played her hand and then when the proverbial hit the fan, she said, you know what, I've stuck around long enough to get a couple of crotch trophies out the deal and enough money to by a multi-million house back in her native land before the ink is dry on divorce papers. In addition, I'm sure she and at least one of the mistresses were in cahoots to scam, embarrass and extort Tiger.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning what he did, because I think people should honour their vows regardless. I think he was dumb as duck shit and picked the wrong jump offs to mess with. Rule of thumb when you're married and you decide to cheat is that you cheat with someone who has as much as if not more to lose than you do. Granted, there aren't many women who are stacking paper like Tiger is; except Oprah, but dammit, these little stank ass hoes who are saving txts and emails? Really? These tricks knew what the hell they were doing and were just waiting for their day in the tabloids. It's tricks like these that give other Jump Offs a bad rap. I'd like to slap the taste out of all of their triflin asses.

I'm not proud to admit this, but back in my youth, messed with someone's husband, but I made sure I never got pregnant, knew, understood, and respected the rules of engagement, and I damn sure wouldn't put myself in the position where she could put me on blast or where I would use the situation to my gain. Yes, he was someone high profile.

Tiger picked the wrong women and his game of being a cheater were no match for his golf game. Nuff said; moving on.

Issue #3
What is with married men thinking it's their marital right to have affairs? I was propositioned by a married man and I turned him down. It was not only the right thing to do, but I've done the 1st place 2nd thing before and I'll be damned if I ever do that again. My self worth/respect rates a lot more than that position. I'm so sick of men thinking that because they heard there was a shortage of "good black men" that we black women will settle for being the Jump Off. Sadly, I can't fully fault the men for their diminished mindset because if women didn't settle for being 1st place 2nd, then the married men wouldn't have pause to pursue.

I'm also annoyed by the fact that they think they're even good men. How are you married, happily or otherwise, but nonetheless still married, a good guy when you're breaking your vows, compromising your home life and creeping around with another woman; or men in some cases?

Well, that's my Dime in the Bucket for the night.

Enjoy your holidays people and as always love to live; live to love!

Happy Thanksgiving - Reasons to be thankful

I know I've been awfully remiss in not only blogging, but reading blogs, but please know that I haven't forgotten about any of you. I think of each of you often and pray that you are all well.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I wanted to say how thankful I am for each of you that have become friends as well as loyal readers. You've touched my life in so many ways and I appreciate the love, support, inspiration, and encouragement you've given me.

I'm thankful for having a close-knit and crazy family who no matter what will have my back. Distance never erases the closeness we share in heart and mind.

I'm thankful for my beautiful, smart, kind, compassionate, and wonderful daughter who brings so much joy and laughter to my life.

I'm thankful for my church family who make church feel like a second home.

I'm thankful for health, strength, and daily bread.

I'm thankful that I remain in good health even when my hormones and my chemically induced menopause make me absolutely crazy.

I'm thankful for lessons learned.

I'm thankful for the power of forgiveness.

I'm thankful for not only stepping out of the box, but stepping away from it. Going out on the limb; though sometimes scary is a step worth taking.

I'm thankful for love in its multi-faceted splendor and the many experiences I've had with it.

I'm thankful for the extension of God's grace, mercy, and favour.

I'm thankful that I have reasons to be thankful.

Have a happy, safe, and beautiful Thanksgiving and may God bless and keep you all.

Love to live; live to love!

Asylum

This is the final of the four poems I wrote last week.

I’m not quite crazy; more like that special kind of special
Where what seems insane is really normal; at least for me
It’s that place were the irrational makes sense
And I question not the absurdity of loving
With such wanton abandon that you do what you do
Freely; willingly because love just is
And I don’t really care what anyone else says
Cause as the proverbial saying goes
“If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right”
Suffering the consequence of this emotional catastrophe
Where loving you is the strength of my weakness
And I solicit no means for a remedy
My heart tilts on its axis at the sound of your voice
Mouth dry from the unquenchable thirst kiss after kiss
My fingers marvel at the softness of your skin
I hear your silent words speak decibles beyond voice
And I delight like a child at Christmas when I see you
Your flaws are the perfect manifestation of your truth
The consistent inconsistency of your presence
Spends me; leaving me bankrupt
Yet still rich in the magnitude of love’s economy
One so fragile; yet so strong and intense
For my expenditure of life’s grandest feeling
So if loving you makes me crazy
Then I’ll gladly live in this asylum forever

© Blu Jewel
2 Oct 2009

Liberation

Okay Blog Fam, I guess it's safe to say that your girl is on a roll. This is in fact the 4th poem I've written this week. I'll get to posting the others soon enough, but there was some driving force behind this one and I had to share it with you.

Have a blessed stay folks and stay up.

Taking off my training wheels
And taking my first unsupported ride
I cruise into the elated feeling
The experience brings
Trusting in my willingness to let go
And be free; no long restrained
By the security of the firm
Instead leaning favorably toward
The possibility to falling and being helpless
And the enjoyable nefarious abandon it illicits
The equal fear and enthusiasm of stepping
Into the unknown is a risk well worth taking
If you really want to live

© Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; live to love

As yet untitled - New poem

@ Chele, you didn't have to wait as long as you thought you might...Enjoy!

Like a river to the ocean, I’m drawn to you

Your call; a silent whisper within the wind

Caressing me into a gentle seduction

Making me weak where I stand…

Upon unfamiliar ground; virgin to this experience

However, still familiar to the pull of attraction

I let down my guard; submitting to

The leap of faith beneath me…

Cushioned for the break of my fall into heaven

Knowing you’re there to receive me

Open arms; open heart; committed to love

Me with every fiber of your being…

Honest and true; giving your all not half

Treating me like the Empress I am

Borne of your missing rib

Created to fill the void in your life…

With joy and laughter, tenderness and passion

Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; live to love

What One Dance Can Do

I know; I know! I'm taking too long between posts. It's not intentional; trust me, but I've got something that will take your mind of my absense. Enjoy...

Conjoined like Siamese twins we move in one motion
Feeling the energy ignited by a rhythmic dance
Awakening the wave coursing through our bodies

Sexual arousal emits as topical penetration ensues
Thrusting us closer to the errant climb of desire
Lust; the effervescent high supplying the fuel

Intoxicated by the sweet elixir of our kiss
We submit to the passion created and act with abandon
Cementing the connection into a cosmic oral bliss

© Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; Live to love

Fluid Motion

I thought I'd lost my mojo since Nikki's passing, but it seems I'm even more inspired. Maybe it was the recent full moon that gave way to an increased energy that could only have come from her. Like Nikki, I love the moon and always feel exhilarated by the lunar cycle and especially the full moon.

Here's something that I came up with this morning...

His attention; purposed and intentional; either by familiarity or memory; he made his way into her; third eye blind and was met with little resistance. The slight tension; released into a sigh as if the torture of the wait was over. Heat rose like steam through city grates; its intensity furious and yet delicately passionate as their bodies gelled into one form moving in a rhythmic pace.

Words; lost in an inaudible melody sounded like gibberish only they could understand; only they needed to understand. It was their way. It was how they communicated; silently through telling eyes; speaking a lover’s tale.

Their dance; a waltz leading to a quickened tango only to be suppressed into staggered pace reminiscent of a child’s game of musical chairs punctuated by anticipation. And like the calm before the storm, the motion smooth; erotic; and exhilarating gives way to a tempest; bodies colliding in a frantic motion. Arms, legs grasping; releasing and breaths like zephyrs cloud the room.

Minutes pass like labored hours as the seeming perpetuity of the union plays out. An escaped moan; the saturated kiss; the bitten flesh; the Neanderthal grunts and thrusts all colliding without contest. The climactic clarity of the journey now complete.

© Blu Jewel 2009

Lyrically Speaking: My dedication to Anika "Nikki" Harris…R.I.P

Maxwell is probably my favourite artist and as I let him eargasmically soothe me today, the following came to me. Nikki, The Iniquitious One and her Indigo Trail of Thoughts leaves a void in the Blog Community. May we all learn something from her untimely passing.

She came into our lives with that Sumthin Sumthin that made us laugh, cry, and wish we were as creative and gifted as she. When made us all feel Welcome as we chilled at her Urban Hang Suite. The more we spent with you, and took the time to Get to Know Ya, we realized that Noone was firing up the keyboard quite like you. You soon became one of our BadHabits and you were that Gravity: Pushing to Pull as we waited Silently, Silently for your next post.

When you’d go off on someone or get fired up passionately about something, many would wonder if you’d be like that Til the Cops Come Knockin. And if you didn’t post, we’d know that Whenever, Wherever, Whatever, you’d come back to us and let the Phoenixrise.

I recall many a post and our private conversations where you spoke of Matrimony: Only you as you contemplated dating and ever being back in a loving and committed relationship. All you wanted to do was Drowndeep: Hula into his arms and where Lonely’s the Only Company would escape from your life and you reside in a place For Lover’s Only.

It was like This Woman’s Work was never done and you were always willing to HelpSomebody. I remember when that chick faked her own death in the Blog-sphere and you exposed her for the fraud she was and make a lot of people stop hurting.

Then one day, something Changed when you were hit with a Symptom Unknown. We all rallied around the Suitelady who had given so much of herself to us in so many ways. When you told us that the pain was not just a Temporary Nite of rounds with your condition and you couldn’t be with us Now/At the Party; you still managed to gather us in unity as I Am You: You Are Me & We Are You.

And on Sunday August 30th , we had to StopTheWorld and muddle through our FistfulofTears and share how much you Was/As My Girl. We all wish you are simply PlayingPossum.

So dear, sweet, and beautiful one; until the day our Reunion comes, spread your PrettyWings and know that we will always LoveYou and you’ll be a part of us EachHourEachSecondEachMinute of the day.

Love to live; live to love

A sad day!

For those of you who've been blogging for some time may know Nikki Harris aka Nikki Indigo or the Iniquitous One. She was a powerful, entertaining, and extremely honest writer. For the past few years, she was one of my favourite blogs to read and I was inspired by her in many ways. From her candor to her sensitivity, she left an indelible mark on the lives she touched.

It's with a heavy and saddened heart to say, R.I.P Nikki. My life has been blessed with your gifts and may heaven know it is so very blessed to have you in their midst. Her suffering is now over and her place in the eternal is secure.

Her passing flashed a neon light that life is fragile; it is precious; and it needs to be lived fully. We need to act with purpose and intent on a foundation of love. She was only 37 years old and too young for her passing, so from this I must live. I must take her memory and use it to celebrate this life; to love a little harder; to walk a little sturdier, a celebrate each day for we surely do not know when our last will be.

Prayers to the Harris family and may God bless and keep you all.

Love to live; Live to love

a lil something that came to me

When you pour your love inside my cup
I feel my well spring rise and swell
As it’s satiated from its desert state
And you’re no longer just an oasis
But the embodiment of natures wonder personified.

© Blujewel 2009

love to live; live to love!

On loving ourselves

The following was borne of something I wrote to a friend. Some parts have been removed as it was directed toward her; however the story could relate to any one of us.

Your own dysfunctional relationship with your mother made it subconsciously easy for you to overcompensate for her shortcomings by being 1) an excellent mother yourself and 2) your desire to mother others and shelter them from harm. This ideology is in fact quite harmful as it subjects you both to a relationship that is ill-balanced and it compensates one dysfunction for another.

"We create a space for healing when we exercise the courage to look at how our own anger and resentment make us withhold love and behave badly".^p134

Although he can say he loves you, his actions are not affirmations of said love. He fails to see that fueling power of his emotions is anger based and while he is actually capable of giving love; there's a fine line between his anger and his love. His verbal love is short lived when something disrupts his perceived comfort zone. And the fact that his life has been centered around you; with little or no personal/social outlets that his for/about him, it makes it even easier for angry outbursts to occur. The role of alcohol in his life will also fuel the pre-existing fire that resides within.

"It's easy to fall into the trap of depending on others for the love, understanding, and admiration we all crave, rather than creating them in our relationship with ourself, and brining the joy in self-fulfillment to our partnerships. When joy is missing in our life, it's missing in our relationships, in our homes, and communities".^p135

It's on this premise that he resides. He seeks what he lacks within himself in and from you. He puts you on a pedestal and showers you with what he is should be giving to himself. His lack of self love and trust gets over compensated in the relationship and when you demonstrate your independence; it disrupts his world, and because he thought that you should return in kind; is now compromised. He feels that because he has made you his personal trophy that you should likewise to do the same. This is a classic mode of operation for a hurt soul.

"Even when parents and partners do terrible things, they are just trying in unskillful ways to make their lives work". ^P135

And it's in this vein that he must seek to improve his life/circumstances or he will always be in a perpetual state of discourse and cause said discourse in the lives of those they claim to love.

"Not every couple that gets together is meant to stay together. When you're not where God wants you to be, life shakes you up so you'll move to a better place". ^P135

It's at that point of discovery when the leaving party must assess themselves to see what, when, why, and how there are finding themselves in relationships that follow a repeated or repeatable negative pattern. This tends to be a hard concept to many to accept that fact/knowledge even when we know without a shadow of doubt it's true. We still strive to find some shred of evidence that says we should find a way to keep this person in our life. While this is a noble concept; it's still a self-deluding one. When we refuse to let someone go, we're not only holding ourself back, we're holding the other back too because we're putting a road block in an essential growth element in both parties development. . "Growth mean change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown" ^{The Shack} To many are afraid of the unknown to venture out; however without this risk, there will be little or no room for growth and the opportunity for change is greatly reduced; thus, leaving you in the same crippled mind frame.

For love; real love of self before another to manifest, a thorough cleansing and healing must occur. "broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them."
^{The Shack}

Relationships; good or bad are an intricate part of the journey we take in life and for many; we all seek to love and be loved; however, when we lack the proper tools to do so, we fail miserably. We all imagine ourselves to be whole and able; however, it's what we do and not always what we say that tells the real story.

"We may be masterful at deceiving ourselves, but in all intimate interaction the unresolved feeling and fears we may have buried will surface".^p137

A spiritual relationship must become an intrinsic part of one's journey to true awareness and wholeness. The Divine created us; it's at the core of us and it's through that relationship that we will have a real idea and connection to what real love is. We have to trust in Divine Love in order to establish Loves Divine. Reaching deep within and offering oneself to the source of love establishes faith and trust in The One who'll always be there to guide our path.

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading" ^{The Shack}

"For something to move from death to life, you must introduce something living and moving into the mix". ^{The Shack}

If this sacred interference does not occur, all past hurts (death) will always have more power/control over any living relationship and the love will never truly be love at all. The emotional demons must be excised from the recesses of our emotional core in order for the wellspring of love to thrive as a living entity.

"We're operating with negative feelings brought from another time and place, associated with a whole separate set of issues. We can't create anything good with leftovers from the past". ^P140

It's important to go back and address the issues of the past as it's the only way to prevent history from repeating itself; however, once that journey has been made, the past must be left very much in the past. The present is an extremely sacred and palatial place and can only be well-lived when the past's portal is closed. Progressive move to the present has to be self-lived. No one can make it happen for anyone else. Each person has to want his/her own loving environment and know not only how to create it, but to sustain it. Without the ability to love who we are, there is truly no way to love another. No one is responsible for our well-being but us.

"When we're sweet on ourselves; we're sweet on others. From an unhappy place, nothing satisfies. From a happy place, common sense prevails. We see clearly that we were born to love, not judge, and that it's not our job to fix anyone but ourselves". ^P140

NOTE: All page number references come from the book, All About Love, by Susan L. Taylor. The remaining references were taken from The Shack.

Love to live; live to love!

A what I know for sure moment...

The expression, "when someone shows you who they are, pay attention" reigns supreme in how I decide your role in my life. As I've previously said, I take friendships seriously and am fully committed to their maintenance and sustainment once entered into. What I will not do is make excuses for ones behaviour and allow said person to run a mock in my life with words that have no supporting action.

I allowed, what I thought would be a fun and engaging friendship to form in my life, which to its credit did start out on good footing; however, over time it's become something that fails to resemble a friendship at all. I do understand the complexities of platonic vs. intimate relationships when it involves the opposite sex, but with careful, open, honest, and real communication, a balance can be established; however in this instance it did not.

I established from day one that I was not ready for an intimate relationship and that I wanted to chill and hang out. No, I'm not talking about Friends with Benefits (FWBs), just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company. He said, he was cool with that and was able to chill with me on equal ground...JUST FRIENDS! Suffice it to say, he caught feelings and an abrupt left turn in Albuquerque promptly followed.

Given that I actually gave a damn about him and our newly formed friendship, I called to inquire about his sudden change of behaviour and lack of communication. We discussed it and I suggested that he take whatever time out he needed, but effective communication still needed to be a place holder as NO relationship can be sustained without it. He agreed!

Weeks past and then months, and I found myself the recipient of his talk, with no action. This is a no-no in my books and borders on being a deal breaker. I have no time for settling because it appeases someone's hypersensitivity as its taxing and toxic. I once again, expressed my concerns over his behaviour and lack of actions and was given this long; drawn out explanation, which quite frankly sounded like sugar-coated shit disguised as candy. I'd had enough!

He picked the wrong time of year and the wrong woman to think that syrupy sounding words, frosted with whipped bullshit, and sprinkles of "but I love you and miss you" that sound more like profanity instead of words of affection would actually woo me. There is nothing worse than hearing those words knowing that they're empty, defiled and being used as a magnet to draw me back in. Sorry, I'm 1) not that pressed for affection, 2) easily swayed by words that are just words, and 3) in need of a friendship that really isn't a friendship at all.

I've come to the conclusion that he showed me pretty early on who he was and initially he was genuine; and in fact may very well still be; however, just because he's a good person; doesn't make him good for me. Our friendship was ill-matched and laden with things that would escalate from one deal breaker to another. What I know for sure is that no amount of honesty on my part could have prepared me for the position I ended up putting myself in when I realized that his feelings were manifesting. In spite of trying to maintain communication, it's obvious he's not used to the kind of woman I am and doesn't see how important communication is in any and all relationships.

One last thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to settle for someone/thing that doesn't bode well in my life. Nostalgia has no place in what it really means to have a functional friendship. Red flags are not to be ignored. If the issue can be mitigated; then I'm all for it and am willing to forge on; however, when the flag continues to fly high, it's time to walk away....And so it is and so shall it be!

Love to live; live to love!

I'm really not that popular!

I take friendships very seriously and don't appoint the title easily to people. While it's pretty much a generic term when referring to people we know; there is a depth and growth that makes one a true friend. I have a small and close-knit circle and we're fiercely loyal and are ride or die. We fight; we laugh; we love; we call each other out; but there is no doubt that we mean the world to each other.

But I didn't bring you here to tell you that (stole that phrase from Terry)

I was looking at my "Friends" List on Facebook and saw that I have 215 friend...Really? I think not. I may know 215 people, but to call them all friends just ain't happening. I've never been one who strived to be the center of attention, enjoy the limelight, or think that I'm better than someone else because of how many people I know. I take quality over quantity any day.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be offensive to anyone on my Friends List and I'm certainly not taking my acquaintences for granted because for most part; each person has played a role in my life in some capacity. All I'm saying is that I do not use Facebook or any other social networking tool as a measure of my popularity or as a means to pry into the lives of others. For me, it's a communicative device to make quick and easy contact with people; to network; or interact in some way. I'm amused at the people who use tools like Facebook, MySpace, or one of the other tools to be Head of the Class and I'm even more amused as those who get offended over whether or not their in someone's Top List. Wow! Talk about delusions of granduer, arrognace, or conceit.

Anyway, I've said all that to say, that I'm quite content blogging for myself; however, I do appreciate those who come by and read my rantings. I'm happy for those I'm in contact with through Facebook, but note that none of what I do is for popularity.

Thanks for reading...have a blessed day...love to live; live to love!

Gateways, portals, and other life exits/entrances!

I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "when one door closes; another one opens", but how many truly believe that? How many look for; or see that there is a blessing with the closing of one door and the anticipation of waiting for another to open? Honestly, I don't think many of us do. Many get immediately dispondent and think that the world as we know is going to come to an end.

It's a known fact, that God does not give us more than He knows we can handle and if we don't handle it, it's not His fault, but ours for having little faith in His word, comfort, and direction. In the many trials I've been through in my life, the one thing I never did was cry the blues or think "woe, is me". While I might not have been able to understand the trial as I was going through it, I never gave up on my faith that I'd come out on top; or at least through to the other side.

In the recent months, I've been the recipient of prayers answered and I realized it was because I allowed doors to both open and close. I realized that I must reconcile with things and people in order to complete the cirlcle and be the receiver of the blessing yet to be shown. There were doors that seemed like they'd be impossible to close and/or walk through; however, I did by remaining prayerful and faithful.

In a world where it's so easy to quit, blame others, or hide behind what seems comfortable, I know I can not be that person. I won't be ostrich like and bury my head in the sand, while claiming that the events in my life are a series of unfortunate acts. Every experience is a good experience as far as I'm concerned because all good is nothing without having the bad to appreciate it.

In a recent turn of events in my life, I rested on my gut instinct that what I was going through was in fact a blessing in disguise. In spite of the shock, I trusted that I would be okay and that I would be victorious. I allowed the door to close, took time to clear and ease my mind, body, and spirit, and now am reaady to walk through the opening door and receive all that is to come to me. The door wthat will now open for me will be filled with even more reward than I'd gotten previously and I'll be in a position to be and do more with myself and my life. So, to those who thought their way was better than His way, well, know that you can't box with God and His armour of protection remains steadfast around those who trust and believe in Him and His word. I give thanks and praise to my Heavenly Father for instilling His grace, mercy, and favor upon me.

With each day, I grow stronger in so many ways and I do not take anything for granted. As I prepare for my 41st year to end, I look back with happiness and gratitude for the doors that closed and those that opened for me. In review, I know that each one was a intrical part of continuing my growth. Over the course of the next 37 days, I will walk in and out of a few more doors and on the 38th day, I'll welcome in my new year; and will walk through that door with pride that I've made it one more year.

Love to live; live to love!

A tagged confession, Parts 1 &2

I was tagged by QueenBee for the Blame Tara Meme

Part 1

Who is the hottest movie star?
Well, Denzel Washington immediately comes to mind, so I'll have to go with that. He's sexy, talented, versatile and he could be my leading man any day; any time.

Apart from your house/car, what is the most expensive thing you've ever bought?
I bought myself a huge sapphire and diamond ring for my 3oth birthday

What is your most treasured memory?
The day I met Achilles Heel

What is the best gift you ever received?
A plane ticket to Jamaica

What is the biggest mistake you ever made?
Not pressing charges

Four words that describe you?
Free-spirited, honest, faithful, loving

What is the highlight and lowlight of 2008?
Highlight - taking a leap of faith
Lowlight - unncessary drama

Favourite film?
Oh dear! I don't think I can limit that...pass!

Tell me one thing I don't know about you?
I clean my nails while I'm driving

If you were a comic book character, who would you be?
Wonder Woman, but The Hulk runs almost neck and neck

Part 2...Talking About Love
Pick your artist: Maxwell

Are you male or female - This Woman's Work

Describe yourself - Fortunate

How do you feel - Changed

Describe where you currently live - Urban Hang Suite

If you could go anywhere, where would you go - For Lover's Only

Your favourite form of transportation - Ascension

Your best friend is - Noone

Your favourite color is -Black

What's the weather like - Cold

Favourite time of the day - Eachhoureachsecondeachminute

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called - Sumtin Sumthin

What is your life to you - Gettin to now Ya

Your relationships - Reunion

Your fear - Symptom Unknown

What is the best advice you have to give - Help Somebody

If you could change your name, what would it be - Pretty Wings

Thought of the day - Now/At the party

How would I like to die - Silently

My souls present condition - Everwanting: to wanting to want

My motto - Loveyou

Who I'm tagging...
Her Side,

Thank You!

As I journey through another transition in my life, I continue to give honour, thanks, and praise to my heavenly Father. Even when I don't always know or understand the circumstances that seem out of my scope of comprehension, I trust in He that sustains me. I allow His righteousness and goodness to guide my path and rely on my faith to continue to carry me through. I've come too far to turn back now and I know that with each trial; there is an equal or greater triumph.

I truly believe that there is nothing I can't do without Him and whatever He has ordained in my life; it will come to pass. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not...". Well, I have because I do ask and I do pray, and I do believe. I am forever grateful that there is someone in my life who'll be there night or day; good or bad; right or wrong. My way is His way as best I can because no matter what I am a sinner, but I am a saint each time I stand strong, seek forgiveness, and strive to be and do better. My life has been a series of opportunities missed and taken; however, the latter reigns supreme because I put God into what I do.

I am 49 days away from my next new year and as I am in the closing phase of my old year, I look back with pride as I see the growth; the increased potential; the improved confidence; the exacting of things I've proclaimed for myself; the spiritual wealth I've gained; and the happiness that manifests in my life. Love for myself; for my family/friends; for my life is infinite and I truly rest in the words that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper".

Each day I rise is another reason to celebrate. Each day I live is another reason to be thankful. Each day I can touch another life affirmatively means, I'm honouring Jesus' death for my salvation. Each day I can share His word, means my faith has multiplied. There is not a day that I am not grateful. There will not be a day where I will not give thanks.

With transition, comes the responsibility to utilize each and every experience and make your life count.

So, today I share my gratitude first and foremost with my heavenly Father and then to all those who are in my life and those who'll cross my path.

The following came from my Daily Word...

I am grateful!

Starting the day in gratitude, my first prayer is Thank You, God! I am grateful for beauty and love, for surprises and excitement, for friendship and community, and for the presence of God in all.

Even if I may be going through a challenging experience, I am grateful, for I know that good will come from it. Will I learn of inner strength that I didn't know I had? Will I gain a renewed appreciation for my life and the people in it?

I am grateful for my present circumstances, for I know they offer opportunities for growth. I thank God for the life I have been given and the life I am creating by seeing the good in all that comes before me.

"Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving."--Psalm 95:2

Live to love; love to live!

from 0 to 60

As I sat here feeling a little apathetic, uninspired, and a little out of it, I decided to clean out some files on my computer and as I did, I came across something that left room for pause and suddenly energized me back into the vibrant frame of mind I typically have. It's funny how when you're feeling un or under inspired, all it takes is a little nudge to put you back on track.

Hope you enjoy this...even though I do not recall how I got it or where it came from, so whomever the author is of this; I apologize for not being able to give due credit...

You can’t be where you won’t go.

Perseverance will be the vehicle to victory.

Having a dream is only half the equation. You must put your dream into action.

Writing is a craft that not only takes practice but plenty of patience.

Networking is the key in seeing your purpose come to fruition.

Stay hungry. There is always room for improvement.

Passion is a force that can bring about change if applied.

Purpose and passion are synonymous.

Discover and rediscover the hidden treasures of your heart.

Writing is a tool that can set any mood and entice the reader to travel with you,
regardless of content.

Printed words on paper should be as effective as if you were speaking at the podium to thousands.

Destiny desires that you mentor and support others in the area of passion you are pursuing, those above and below.


Love to live; live to love!

Love does not kill; people do!

In light of the recent deaths; Steve McNair and Arturo Gatti, it's clear to me that there is a blatant disregard for love and the person's comprehension of it. People are running around doing all kinds of heinous things in the name of love, but love does not kill; people do. Love is not some ugly tyrant out to hurt people; love is the purest of all emotions; however, the most easily an readily abused emotion. More often than not love has become profane like a 4-letter word and it's sad; so very sad.

I've always said, "the word and deed go hand in hand or that words without action are just words." This applies especially to those who are out there cheating and carrying on in the name of love, but aren't living in the essence of love. The writing is on the wall and there are so many out there that need a to have a Come to Jesus Meeting to get a case of "get right".

Love is something we all need and we all need to share in order to receive. Love is not something to be squandered, ill-applied for personal gain, or to be used as a tool/weapon. Love is something we all want and desire and we must plant the seed in order to reap the reward of it. The scripture says it all. Reflect on it and utilize it to its fullest.

Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth —1 John 3:18

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

When you see someone in need,
Love demands a loving deed;
Don’t just say you love him true,
Prove it by the deeds you do. —Sper

Check out this link for some additional reading Listen for Love

Read this, voice your concern, and be aware; very aware of your actions

I was over at Oh Hell Nawl and came across a sad, but ABSOLUTE MUST READ post.

Please make time to check it out and please share your concerns/opinions on the story either on here or on the OHN site.
Real Talk

Love's Divine

I've waited all my life for the love of my life to walk in and one day he did. There he was standing there in his deep caramel visual splendor and it was love at first sight. It's a feeling that is unexplicable and there is absolutely nothing I could ever compare it to. Fortunately for me, the feeling was mutual and it was the making of one intense, absolute, perfectly (at least perfect for us) formed, serendipitous, fate-driven, and passionate relationships we'd ever had. Sadly, all things that glitter aren't always gold, and we spent the next 14 years in one still intense, but bittersweet relationship.

Talk about hills and valleys, rollercoasters, and other such adjectives to describe the complexities of well placed, but often untimely relationship; however, the love that existed between us never went away in spite of whom we were with. Denial was never a factor in what did or didn't happen between us; it was more a fear on his part that I would somehow change from the woman he'd fallen for to some other woman once he was in the relationship. Given that I've not changed; at least for the worst in 14 years, he really didn't have anything to fear except his own vulnerability in letting go once and for all.

After honest, open, continual, and forthright conversations, we've finally come to the place where we started all those years prior. The intense feelings; the passion; the connection; and the love is even more solid than ever and we're finally; not just on the same page, but in the same sentence. Love is patient and it is kind; and the due dilligence paid has now paid off. Love's Divine is what I'm feeling and it's more stronger and powerful than the bionic and woman combined.

Time has been the true testiment to this story and right now I'm experiencing what it means to love to live; live to love and man does it ever feel good.

Love to live; live to love!

the blessings of random acts

I took the day off today because I wanted to. I wanted to share time with someone and not have to wait for the weekend to do it. The simple pleasures were enacted and exacted and the weather; not to hot or cold; added another wonderful component to it all.

For those of you who haven't used all your vacation or leave time, please take some time off to kick back and enjoy. You don't always need a plan or something to do; just take some time for yourself or to spend with someone special.

I wish I could tell you how wonderful this day has been and have you see the smile that still sitting on my face. I'm thankful for days like this when I can give thanks and enjoy nature in its infinite splendor.

Oh, and Maxwell's new CD on repeat...oh my!

Love to live; live to love! (I damn sure am!!!)

wow! just wow!

A long-standing prayer has been answered and I have to give thanks, honour and glory to my heavenly Father for knowing the needs of my heart and acting in my favour. It took years of praying, hoping, and patience, but God never acts before it's time.

I feel blessed beyond measure right now. I've had a smile pasted on my face all morning. I feel His presence in and around me and man does that ever feel good. Transitions are beautiful things when you embrace the opportunities and times of change in your life.

I may not have a lot of things, but my wealth in life is great and nothing can compare to that measure of prosperity. My well spring is full and runneth over and my abundance is exceeding to me, my life, and those I share it with.

In the words of the song, "...it is well with my soul..."

Have an amazing day blog family; make it count always; in ALL ways!

Love to live; live to love!

love to live; live to love

I was reading my Daily Bread this morning and this part of the reading really jumped out at me and I had to post it...

"...We sometimes need a reminder that acquiring “things” is not nearly as important as appreciating the people God has placed in our lives..."

Love is never afraid of giving too much.

In light of the recent deaths whether they've been by natural cause or otherwise; we have to recognize the fragility of life and people. We must always be thankful for what; but moreso whom with have in our lives and give full appreciation to first our heavenly father and then to those he has blessed us with.

Today, take some time out of your day to call someone and tell them how much you love them and how thankful you are for not just having them in your life; but what their presence means to you.

To those who are both new and old to Is It Just Me, I thank you for showing an interest in my humble blog and I do truly appreciate each of you for giving feedback, for your encouragement, inspiration, and even those who've challenged my words. Each of you have given me something and I humbly and fully appreciate that.

Have a blessed and fruitful day.

Love to live; live to love!

happiness is...

...having a great spiritual foundation; unconditional faith, and a God who'll never let me down

...having some of the most amazing friends a girl could ever ask for.

...having family that even when you're not together; you're together

...knowing that loving myself enough to not compromise my emotional integrity

...having a daughter who brings the ultimate joy to my life

...knowing that doing things with purpose and intent will serve me well

...allowing myself to live and live well

...knowing that the truth is always the best way to be and live

...taking a leap of faith could be the best move ever made

...not allowing negativity to be welcomed into my life or my home

...being strong enough to both love and to let go

...welcome the newness each day brings

...taking comfort knowing that there is still goodness in the world

...the musical statements that speak when my own words elude me

...being able to accept the body I live in doesn't have to be what society dictates

...being or getting hurt isn't always a bad thing because there was a lesson to be learned in spite of the pain

...taking chances is another way of spreading my winds

...life's journey is best enjoyed when you're able to take some detours

...appreciating, being grateful, being prayerful, loving, sharing and caring

...saying what you mean and meaning what you say

...hearing the word, but having the deed to punctuate

...knowing I can and do make a difference

...knowing to forgive and ask for forgiveness

...not being afraid to say, "I'm sorry"

Have a fantastic weekend. Love yourselves and share that love with all those who are important to you.

Love to live; live to love!

Endorphins, heartbeat highs, and other things that make you moist or swoon

I spoke with Achilles Heel today! That in and of itself gives me the butterflies worse than anticipating your first kiss. He’d been on my mind the past few days and I refused to call. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was enjoying the feeling that thinking of him gave me. He’s been in my prayers; prayer’s for his safety; his health; his stability (emotional, mental, and physical; the development of our continued friendship and a few other things that would resort in over sharing…lol!

He called this morning and I missed the call for having the phone on my bed while I was in the bathroom; music blasting. When it was time for me to leave the house, I picked up the phone and didn’t realize he’d not only called, but left a message. Upon noticing the missed call, I promptly called back.

Me: - Sorry, I didn’t realize til now that you called (cheesing hard)

A.H – Yea right! You just didn’t want to talk to me…I see how it is.

Me: - C’mon now, that’s not the case; never the case.(fawning)

A.H: - Uh, huh. (grinning…could hear it in his voice)

Me: - Did you get the package?

A.H: - Yea. Thanks…so that means you didn’t listen to my voicemail?

Me: - No. I saw the missed call and just called back…I’ll listen to it later.

A.H: - Okay.

Me: - Anyway, how are you?

And then we went into what we’ve been up to etc since we last spoke and I’m grinning like the Spelling Bee Champion and feeling like I was injected with anything and everything that could make me high. The conversation didn’t last too long as he had to get back to work, but said he’d call later. I then listened to the 50 second voice message he left and felt a warmth rush over me as I eargasmed and paused when he said, “wow” over the letter I’d sent.

Call #2 was a review of the letter I’d sent along with a CD containing a collection of songs that I thought he’d like. I asked about his reaction to the letter and why it was “wow!” He read the letter back to me and punctuated certain parts of it with where the “wows!” fit in. I was elated. We talked about this and that and that and this and the easy conversation that exists between us married our words into verbal bliss and I was completely satiated.

Unfortunately, duty called and he had to end the conversation, but I’m sure he’ll call back before days end. While at lunch, I was overcome with this amazing rush that erupted within me and all I could do was smile. My heart was and still is very content; he does that to me. He gets me; he feels me; my energy. He’s the balance to my scale; the north in my compass; the ray of sunshine in my otherwise gloomy day; the one person in this world (outside of Lil Lady) that moves me and brings me joy beyond measure. I heart him undeniably; unequivocally to the point of craziness looking sane. Yea, he’s got and does that thang!

Love to live; live to love!

Things that make upset in the community

...the continued fad of saggin pants

...proceating with known dead beat dads

...having expensive and tricked out cars while living in the hood or with yo mama

...how folk be tawkin like dey don't know no bedda

...showing up at your childs school looking a triple hot mess

...having money to get your hair and nails did, but fuss that baby doesn't have any milk/pampers

...spending more money on material things (bling, cars, clothes etc.,) and not on things that promote wealth (education, stability, upward mobility etc.,)

...keeping up with your vehicles scheduled maintenance and not on your health

...blaming your obesity on being big-boneded

...putting Tims, Jordans, or other expensive shoes on a baby that can't walk

...doing nothing to uplift your community, but complain that the other folk have this or that

...women who dress scantily clad and gyrate to mysogonistic lyrics and then complain about being stepped to some kind of way

...teaching our children to be grown and then fuss them out for "acting grown"

...knowing lyrics to all the horrible songs out there, but not know the schoolwork

...being able to do the latest dance, but can't pass a fitness test

...speaking Ebonics and such is NOT proper English

Deuces!

Love to live; live to love!

Hateration!!

I was at a party this past weekend and was so ready to serve up a smorgasbord of the above picture to the women in the house. Why? Because there was no need for all the visual hateration I was getting. I give props to all the full-figured women who sported their mini dresses, low cleavage tops, and very tight pants for their confidence. Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it they say.

Now, I'm 5' 7" barefoot. I wear 3-4 inch heels almost daily and 5 when I'm really feeling it. I weight between 145-150, have a 29 inch waist, and am considered fit by all health standards. I can comfortably fit clothes in single digits from the Juniors department and am damn sure proud of being able to maintain my body at almost 42 years old.

I don't make a habit of coming off as "all that" because I'm not "all that" as beauty is subjective, but let's just say, I; for the most part am not lacking for attention. I walk with an air of confidence because I am confident in myself, but am far from arrogant or conceited. Anyway, while at this party, the women looked at me like they wanted to throw me off the boat. Why? That's yet to be determined, but let's say it's safe to assume that my outfit was commanding all kinds of attention from both the men and women. I chose it because I was comfortable in it and also because I knew it would be hot on the boat. I didn't wear it because I was seeking attention as the haters might think.

My point of this is that I'm sick and tired of women giving me the side eye or mean mugging me because they think I think I'm all that. I also am sick of being visually criticized because I'm wearing something they wish they could have. Now, as I said before, if the full-figured women can sport their (sometimes inappropriate) outfits, then why can't I? I'm not going to start wearing a Burkha because someone is jealous or envious of me, my clothes, or my figure.

So, here's what I looked like...

Love to live; live to love!

Not your garden variety P.M.S

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with My Girl where we were discussing the heinous crime that exacts itself upon us roughly every 28 days. We fussed and complained, but then decided that we must accept it as a part of our nature and instead of cursing it, just let it be. We figured if we breathed negative energy into it, the worse it would feel month after month. Now, for me, my "monthly contribution" is short-lived; however, still rather discomforting and something I wish would just stop. I'm going through chemically induced menopause as a result of the medicine I take, but I'm still menstruating, so the conflicts my body goes through is nuts, but hey, that's why they created meds to control the Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder-PMDD that I'm going through.

Anyway, I didn't bring you here to tell you about my bodily functions...I digress...here's what I really wanted to talk about.

So, My Girl and I continued to talk and we start talking about men, relationships and life. We discussed how we could flip P.M.S and make it something positive; something that we could center on and use effectually in our lives. We came up with Pure Mental Serenity...Our P.M.S. We agreed that there are so many things in life to be celebrated than to stress over a temporary; albiet an annoying factor in our lives. Together we spoke of how far we've come as women and how much we've overcome in order to be solid and whole women. We celebrate each other's ups and nurture each other through the downs and still find joy in the experience no matter what.

P.M.S is achieveable people if you want it bad enough. P.M.S can be retrieved by simply being still for a moment and releasing the pressure valve holding you mentally hostage; job/children/spouse/money or whatever stress. There are things that are within our power to handle and control and there are plenty that are not and it's at those times you pray, you have faith, and you hold the knot in that rope a little tighter. You give the problems over to your Higher Power and "accept the things you can not change". Your P.M.S will kick in and you will find that which will sustain you. And if per chance you're unable to having that P.M.S moment and need to let it all out; then have at it. Cry; kick; scream; take that drive, or whatever it is that provides comfort and you'll find the P.M.S will be right there with you as you've released the negative into the universe and made room for the positive to unfold in and around you.

My Girl and I have accepted this into our beings. We give and receive it as we continue to inspire, nurture, and encourage each other. God was very much in the midst of that conversation on that special day. He governed our thoughts and our speech enough to bring tears to our respective eyes as we realized the power, wealth, and magnitude of the conversation we were having. There is no greater joy than that!

We are all special creations of God's awesome love and wonder. We must accept that His way is not our way and that the trials we go through aren't because he loves us not, but instead because he loved us enough to die for us. He gave us a clean slate to work with and somehow we sullied it by sidestepping Him. When we attach negative labelings to so many things, it's no wonder why we feel so heavy-ladened instead of joyous. Having P.M.S can avert the negative formations in your life if you allow it to. What do you have to lose? I say, give it a try; open your heart and mind to a new version of P.M.S; you're gonna thank me for it.

Love to live; live to love!

what i know for sure...

...hurt people; hurt people

...without communication there is NO honest/open/effectual dialog

...another CAN NOT make you whole; you gotta get there by yourself

...if you don't love yourself, you can't effectively love another

...stop believing in the fairy tale; not every relationship has a happy ending; create your own

...sex as a foundation for a relationship is like building a house on sand

...honor your gut feelings/intuition and stick by deal breakers

...know and adhere to your tolerance factor; stop making excuses for others behaviour

...compromising on some things is okay, but settling is not

...not only hear, but listen to what people are telling you; there's a valuable lesson in doing both

...accepting that which you know is wrong or unhealthy for you; sets the tone for how you're treated

...honor your mind AND body

...physical satisfaction is great, but temporary; total (mind/body/soul) satisfaction lasts longer

...loving someone and liking them are two different things; know the difference

...sex and intimacy are not one in the same; neither is sensuality and sexuality

...being single is NOT a bad thing

...being with someone just to say you are IS a bad thing

...carry yourself in the fashion you want to be treated and you will be treated accordingly

...watch both what people say and do; they're telling you something all the time

...if you allow yourself to be mistreated, you can't blame anyone else for it

...if he's not already taking care of the kids he has, do NOT have a child with him

...infidelity is not cool, but if you're gonna cheat BOTH parties need to use protection

...what goes on behind closed doors; stays behind closed doors

...if you chose to share your personal/private/intimate business, ensure the person you're sharing with is ABSOLUTELY and UNEQUIVACABLY trustworthy and you have dirt on them too (lol)

...respect and trust are earned and not to be treated or taken lightly

...playing the game and not knowing the rules or your position is not a good look

...confidence, maturity, and self-awareness is sexy

...bragging don't make it the truth; self-praise is not flattery

And those are my gems of wisdom for the day.

love to live; live to love

exceedingly; abundantly good

So, my life exceedingly abundantly good! Why? Because two years ago (June 27th to be exact), I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I endured biopsies, tests upon tests, major surgeries; and am now a two year survivor. I'm an even greater health advocate than I was prior to my diagnosis; feel infinitely blessed for having maintained a strong and positive disposition through it all; and know that withouth God's influence and my support system, it wouldn't have been easy.

God who continues to love me, guide me, and provide me with all the things I need.

I have the most amazing daughter! She is absolutely beautiful inside and out; has maintained being on the High Honor Roll for this; how her Junior year (completed), is a Varsity Scholar, and is in the National Honor Society. She's an only; only (neither her father nor I have other children) and although she pretty much gets what she wants; she's not a brat. We have and open and honest relationship where she share just about everything. She's not just my daughter; she's my best friend and damn, if the Lord didn't bless me above measure with her.

I have the most amazing church family. Big shout out to the Macendonia Baptist Church. It's a small; but intimate congregation where there is no pretense; none of that other drama that comes with black churches. We all get along; look out for each other; and share the Word. My faith and spirituality has grown exponentially in the few months I've been there and I truly feel like it's home.

I'm going through an amazing growth with an old friend. We've been friends for 14 years and right now this is the closest we've ever been. Even though our falling out broke my heart; forgiveness has closed the gap and we're in a better place than ever before. We live in a society where everything is disposable and people lack the will to fight, but this friendship means the world to both of us and we're equally happy to have gotten back in the ring to fight for it.

Mentors/Role Models...wow! I don't even know how to begin this one. My Girl; you know who you are. The talks, the laughs, and the amazing bond that we share. You're truly wonderful and you're priceless. My minister/surrogate mother; you're so awesome. You encourage, guide, inspire, and support me in so many ways. You've been such a rock in my foundation for the past couple of years and you continue to help me be the best woman I can be. Rosemarie, even though we've never met, you inspire me immensely. My male BFF My Boy; you are the bestest a girl could ask for. We fight; we play; and we're R.o.D's (Ride or Die). To those of you I haven't named, please don't think I've forgotten you cause I haven't. I guess I'm gonna have to do another post dedicated to those who are pillars in my structure.

For life and all that comes with being a part of it. I refuse to let cloudy day ruin my sunny disposition. I may not have much, but I have enough and have what I need. Being positive and remaining steadfast in my convictions and having faith that is unwavering is the best security blanket ever. I walk by faith and not by sight and pray with conviction and intention. I live my life to the fullest and accept the rains that come as cleansing tools to wash away the negative and make way for even more positivity. I go hard with all I do and strive to be the best I can be always; in all ways.

love to live; live to love!

a quickie

Now, before you get all exicted; this isn't a TMI post; it's just a quick note to say I haven't forgotten about you or blogging. I've allowed myself to slip off the radar and I do need to get my mojo back, so I'm gonna do my best to be better about my post; it's not like I don't have a bunch of stuff to talk about anyway.

Blessings to all and stay up good people.

Love to live; live to love!

it's in his/her kiss

If anyone had heard the conversation Lil Lady and I were having the other day, they would not have thought a 17 y/o would have been conversing with her mother; but we're cool like that and talk about anything. So, what were we talking about? Kissing!

I've had a long-standing philosophy that if you can't kiss, you can't f*ck! It's something I determined in my late teens after I'd broken up with my high school boyfriend, whom while an arse hole, was in fact a great kisser and good lover. He was the only man I'd known and having been with him for two years (16-18), I'd learned a fair amount about sex and intimacy.

During my freshman year of college, I had a crush on a basketball player. He was tall, cute, nice body; all the things a young woman wants in a man, but when it came to kissing, he was awful. I felt like an algae fish was on my face. I got no sparks; nada, zilch, zip, zero. I figured it was a fluke as we were both a little nervous, so I let it slide. The next time I kissed him, it was an immediate replication of the first and I decided that he would not be a suitable match for me. I promptly ended my interest in him. I reconciled myself to not dating and keeping books and my frequent trips to NYC as my priority. Some time later, a young lady expressed an interest in said baller and asked if I was still seeing him. I told her no and she asked why. I cited that we were incompatible and left it at that. She pressed for details, inquiring if he was a jerk, insensitive, etc. Wanting to spare sullying his name, I tried to maintain a generic reason, but she again pressed, so I told her he couldn't kiss. She seemed stunned that that would be a reason and I told her my philosophy and one that has been confirmed by myself and others to be true. I told her she was willing to do whatever she wanted with my information; save for telling him my actual reason (which he never knew).

She began dating him and that ended maybe a couple of months after we'd spoken. I wasn't aware it was over when I inquired and she immediately told me that I was right. Duh? Really? Of course I didn't say that to her, but you know I thought it. She said, his kisses were wet and sloppy and his sex was equally awkward and messy. She'd gone as far as to inquire (casually) about his skills with a couple of other girls (he was an upperclassman) and they likewise said he wasn't "all that" or a "disappointment". She told me that she now wishes she'd listened to me and would add my philosophy to her repetoire of deal breakers when seeking a relationship.

Okay, story told for history. Now to my point...

It really is in how a man kisses that you know whether or not you want to go any futher. His kiss will tell you many things and if you can see past worrying about his hurt feelings for you prematurely ending your interest in him, you'll agree that he probably would have been lousy in bed. I've shared my view with my boys and other males that I know and they, too are in compliance. Kissing is the gateway to sex and intimacy. In fact, kissing is the greatest form of intimacy; hence, why prostitutes do not kiss on the mouth. Did you think they didn't do it for no reason?

Now, think back to some bad kisses in your day and you'd slept with any of them, was the sex bad? You don't need to name names; we respect the privacy of others and will protect the orally challenged. *lol*

All jokes aside though, if my 17 y/o who's kissed two boys in her entire precious life knows this, then there is something to be learned here. Please don't think you can 'train' someone how to kiss as you're only going to get frustrated and ultimately lead them to thinking they're actually able to be a match for you. Remember two good people aren't always good together. Chemistry is a powerful tool and something that can not be manufactured. Imagine being in the height of sexual emotion and arousal and whom you're with kisses you and it's all sloppy and ish and it skunks your entire groove? That would be like someone bumping the turntable and the vinyl skipping. That's a bad look as the whole party is now shut down.

I've been fortunate to respond quickly and efficiently to ending kisses that aren't favorable and as previously stated, found a way to end the progression of the relationship before I had the misfortune of having my sexual experience turn into a disaster. I think of one person in particular who's got kissing on lock and damn if he didn't ever prove his worth in that kiss. I promptly and well-deservingly assigned 'Kiss of Life' as his theme song because that kiss was truly like my kiss of life. To date he's managed to maintain his Hall of Fame status and that's one hell of an achievement on his part.

So, my PSA and lesson learned for the day is...Kiss and tell...tell him/her that there are incompatibilties that will not aspire to a good progression of the relationship if that's the direction you're heading in. It's better to be honest and roll out than to stick it out and settle for less than stellar intimacy; that's just not a good thing. However, if kissing ain't your thing, then you go ahead and do you in however you see fit; cause I'm not one to knock what is acceptable to another. Just don't bring that sloppy ish my way!!!!


Love to live; live to love!

Suicide is not an option!

In light of the many negative experiences I’ve had, it’s anyone’s guess how I managed to survive without the use of drugs, alcohol, or being promiscuous, but I’m happy to say I have. From sexual, physical, and emotional abuse to the endurance toxic relationships and self-inflicted cutting, I’ve looked back on my life with awe. I recall so many times when I wondered, “how the heck am I going to make it through this?”, but somehow I did. And although I had a sometimes contentious relationship with religion, I always understood The Word and how important faith and prayer was. Even in my darkest hours, my spirituality and faith guided me and it was that blind walk that led me through. As it’s said, “walk by faith and not by sight”.

When I made the revelation that I used to cut myself, those that I told thought I was somehow trying to kill myself; that was not the case. I was instead trying to kill the pain I felt and the conflicted feelings, which often ran through my veins with a hold worse than heroin. I’ve finally healed that issue in my life and it’s been close to 5 years (I think...I stopped counting) since I last cut myself. Even better than that, I don’t even have the desire to digress as I refuse to allow anything or anyone to stress me that badly. I’m blessed to have a really good foundation of support to rest on when my own footing is weak.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize and recognize that suicide in any form is not an option. We all find ways to ‘kill’ ourselves and it must stop. We must find ways to reduce and eliminate pain in our lives. We must find a spiritual place to release ourselves and find the strength to go on and endure. We must get out of relationships platonic or intimate that bring no real joy or substance to our lives; stop holding onto people that simply aren’t worthy of you, your love, or your time. Although this economy doesn’t afford many to find alternative employment, so if you have to remain in a position you don’t like, find a way to make it work for you instead of you for it. There is no encore for life; this is it so adhere to the following:

Birth Certificates show that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

How many pictures do you have?

This prayer was in my Daily Devotional today…

God of abundance, thank you for your grace. How great are all the blessings that fill our lives! Amen.

I find it completely appropriate for not only this post, but for life as a whole. And when you need a spiritual boost; this song will give you some support, joy, and guidance.

Can't Give Up Now - Mary Mary

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn’t fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

[Hook:]No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me (so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Love to live; live to love!

on being and doing me

I was over my Soul Sister's house Mizrepresent and she had a post (Dueces) about finding/loving herself and it inspired this post.

Since my first relationship at 16, I realized that I was willing to sacrifice, compromise, and give more than I was able to receive in return. Given that I had a very dysfunctional view of what relationships were about thanks to my mum and stepdad; and dad and his several women; now current 4th wife whom I love, I can't fault myself for my misgivings and misunderstandings.

I became a serial monogamist and spent a good portion of my life in one long-term relationship after another. I stuck out relationships that I knew were unhealthy or destined to fail because that was my lesson learned and thought so little of my own emotional happiness. And given that I couldn't really talk to either of my parents about relationships, everything was a trial and error for me.

At some point in my life, I got sick and tired of all the bs and drama that I decided I needed to withdraw and give something back to myself. I took some much needed time out, worked on myself, and made a decision to want more for myself. That process lasted a little while and I was truly happy for and with myself; well, that lasted as long as I remained single. I once again got into a relationship that had its share of problems and given that I was only as good as I was single; began the toxic cycle.

Between the age of 24 and 38, I was in and out of relationships, love, heartbreak; and added more and more emotional scars to my existing repetoire. It wasn't until Oct of 2006 that I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and took control and stock of my life and emotional well-being.

I entered into a celibate period in my life where I refused to date anyone but myself. I refused to allow myself to be controlled or manipulated into something that wasn't in my best interest. I sought professional help, pastoral assistance, read, prayed, and made a commitment to close the doors of past hurts and create the proverbial clean slate.

I shared my innermost thoughts with only those who I knew would be able to speak to me on a foundation of love and with purpose and intent. I knew and accepted that I would be told things that I didn't want to hear, but knew that the words were being said for my own good. I purged myself from negative thoughts, practices, and toxicity. I began to regard myself as a priority, someone worthy of being loved, and most importantly be able to love/accept/embrace myself for the whole woman I was becoming and currently am. It was no easy fete as learned behaviour is hard to unlearn, but that commitment was made with the intent of being carried out and I continued to grow and mature as each day passed.

In time and with patience, I finally reached my destination and I am who I am now. I know what I do and don't want; what I will and won't do or accept; and I do not allow others to define me or turn me into what they want me to be. I give freely, am fiercely loyal, and am harmless unless provoked; the latter being something that lends favor to the fact that I don't do bullsh*t and drama.

I live and love by some definitive rules and practices and they are deeply rooted in positivity, trust, respect, and communication. I am honest; sometimes to a fault as well as uncensored and candid. I will not sugar coat ish and call it candy just to appease someone. I've spent too much of my life doing this for fear of hurting someone else's feelings while hurting myself in the process. This is a practice that is unacceptable and is not tolerated. While I will not be mean or hurtful, I will speak with truth and explanation as to why I feel how I do. We can very well ultimately agree to disagree, but I will not allow my personal, social, and emotional integrity to be compromised.

One of these days, I'll be ready for a monogamous relationship again, but until then, I'm happily single by choice and when I do date it's because it's what I want to do and with whom I want to share my time with. Our status and intent for social time is clearly defined so no party can say they didn't know. I play know games where I'm not aware of the rules; relationships included. If we're going to be Friends; then that's what we'll be or if we're going to be Friends with Benefits; then that needs to be clearly defined. On-going communication is essential to our progression at any level as it serves as the cornerstone for understanding and growth.

So, as I approach my next new year in September, I am spending some time in review of my expiring year and seeing where I've grown, where I need work, and setting goals/projections of where I see myself next year. It's important for me to always climb the ladder of emotional success in order to be the best person I can be. Being completely and totally happy with myself is not optional; neither is fully loving the woman I am. I've come a long way from the self-esteem compromised girl who allowed herself and relationships circumstances to be a negative factor in her life. I'm a mature, secure, confident, aware, and most importantly whole being. The fractured pieces have finally come together and the view from my eyes is a clear one. Being jaded and disillusioned no longer exists.

Thanks to my Soul Sister for being my muse and giving me an ever growing awareness of self.


Love to live; live to love!

bittersweet

It's almost the two year anniversary of finding out I had breast cancer. I'm extremely happy, grateful, and blessed to have come out on the other side with my life and health; however, it doesn't stop me from feeling a little sad. It was a devastating blow to my life and health and something that I was ill-prepared for given that I was deemed to be in excellent health.

Life is truly a blessing and something that should not be taken for granted. None of us are promised another day and we must give thanks and praise daily for being here. Put time and energy into taking care of yourselves as you would the cars you drive. Love those in your life unconditionally. Forgive and forget; it's easier said than done I know, but better in the long run. Open your heart to receive love and all the blessings set before you. Find the joys in the small things. Seek the positive in any negative; this experience gave me my mother back, so there's hope out there. Most of all make every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year count.

In closing, I must implore each of you to be a part of my mantra...LOVE TO LIVE; LIVE TO LOVE...you'll one day thank me for those words.

Lyrical Quotes...

Songs have a way of saying the things we may be thinking/feeling, but don't know how to convey, so I've gathered some choice lyrics from some of my favourite songs...

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”…
All at Once - The Fray

“Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you’re not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn’t right then move on
Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better baby on your own”
Express Yourself – Madonna

“I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me…Express yourself don’t repress yourself…”
Human Nature – Madonna

“You don’t know somebody’s aching
Keeping it all in
Somebody won’t let got of his heart
But the truth is
It’s painless
Letting your love show”
Love Show – Skye Edwards

“You found me such a mess
And still you took my hand
And helped me out of numbness
Became my true strength
I'd been running looking for a home
And when you saw me out of breath
From running on my own
Is when you kissed me out of death
Now that I'm recovering
I'm so glad for one thing only
I'm so so glad I let you in…”
Back to Live – Corneille

“Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard”
Kindly Unspoken – Kate Voegele

Let me begin by saying what I mean
It's a crime against the heart you know
To be somewhere in between
I Won’t Disagree – Kate Voegele

“It took stumbling, it took falling,
it took distance, it took time,
it took a lot of getting lost to realize...
I was already home, right where I was supposed to be
You were right in front of me
I was not alone…”
Already Home – Ha-Ash

“Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not”
The Show – Lenka

“I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
A worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame”
Worrisome Heart – Melody Gardot

What heartache feels like…

I received a txt from my cuz this morning, which left me completely gobsmacked. I replied and asked her to call me as soon as she was able, which she did. She detailed the meaning of her txt and I was hurt and shocked right along with her. As a result some of the following came to mind:

Knowing the truth and it not set you free

The sudden cold on an otherwise sunny day

Having your period while wearing white pants

The fly that lands in your ice cream sundae

Being sucker punched by someone you know couldn't really kick your ass

Tripping and falling while making a grand entrance

Seeing something you've wanted for a long time finally go on sale and not have the money to get it

Entering and winning a contest and then not being able to call in and claim it

Showing up just a moment too late/too soon

We've all been through some heartache; what's your analogy for it?

Love to live; live to love!

mind dumping...another installment

I had two incidents this week where my coworkers almost were the cause for these statements, "you have the right to remain silent...", "watch your head ma'am", and "your Honor, what had happened was..." Coworker #1 pushed all the wrong buttons and had me visualizing myself cutting his aorta. I really wish people would learn to leave well enough alone and stop thinking they're more funny than they really are. Coworker #2 was so completely rude, disrespectful, and unprofessional to our manager that I had to call on Him to give me the right words to diffuse the situation. Our manager is one of the sweetest, nicest, and caring people I've ever worked for and his conduct toward her left much to be desired. I was glad when the Lord blessed me with some stern words to exact with professional integrity and prevent him from continuing his more than unnecessary tirade.

The Toolbelt called me a couple of days ago telling me he had a hard on with my name on it...WHAT? REALLY? Uhm, no! He broke so many Man Laws that he should go back to Gender Specific and Appropriate Codes of Conduct for Trying to Get the Ass 101. Needless to say, he got shot down with a verbal AK-47.

"My purpose will stand, and I will fulfill my intention" are words I live by and my purpose is truly manifesting itself. It's God's desire that I utilize my past hurts and growth process to aid other women and I've been given the right words at the right time to encourage others to live their authentic selves and seek that which is right for them as that level of selfishness is mandatory. In addition to providing women with the enrichment they need, I've been in a position to help a male friend through some trials he's facing. I'm happy that I've been able to be a truly good friend and not a crutch.

My friendship with BZ is flourishing and I'm happy that I trusted my gut from the very beginning with her. I'm looking forward to my trip to Boston this summer.

There is a lesson to be learned in every negative experience and most often it's the Lord working in His "mysterious way" to teach us something and put us on the path that leads to understanding and happiness.

Lil Lady says it's not fair that I get two occasions where I'm celebrated because I get Mother's Day and my birthday. I told her that she gets everyday because as long as I'm alive and able, I'm going to be thankful for her and celebrate her presence in my life. She liked that!

Speaking of Lil Lady, she continues to impress and astound me. She's maintaining her position on the High Honor Roll and has a 95.65 GPA. She's an all-around good girl and I'm so blessed to have a open, honest, mutually respectful relationship with her.

I so absolutely love the woman I have come to be and praise God for extending His favor, grace, and mercy upon me. My trials have truly become my triumpths and my faith remains strong and directed. That which did or didn't break me; still made me stronger and wow, what a great feeling that is.

I've got a confession of sorts..."Hi, my name is Blu Jewel and I think I'm becoming a Facebook fiend!" There I said it. Hawa said it would happen, but I was in denial; how I'm facing the truth.

Terry had shut down the Cheap Seats, which caused a major uproar in the Bloggersphere and was shown that he needed to rethink his decision. If you're not already familiar with him, I suggest you check him out; he's worth the read.

I love that I still get that "anxious" feeling when I see or anticipate seeing Achilles Heel even after all these years.

Live life and live it well so that when you're older you get to live again through the memories. Money and material things are good, but not a true measure of how well you've lived.

Well, folks that's all from me today. I wish you a wonderful day, an abundance of blessings, and a heaping of love and happiness.

Love to live; live to love!