09 January 2009

too hard for my own good, but i'll do it anyway

I've been reading a brutally honest series from my girl Hawa and something she said rang a bell and ultimately struck a cord.  She mentioned that she's passionate when it comes to love and I identify with what she said in so many ways.

When I love someone, I love hard.  I give them all I have and all I am in letting them know their role, worth, and importance to me.  I'm loyal, committed (sometimes committable), and play hard and play for keeps.  I ask for all of the above in return, as I believe in treating someone how you want to be treated.  It's been quite a while since I've been in love and quite honestly I miss it. I miss the companionship, the simple pleasures/joys, the opportunity to spoil someone and be spoiled, and most of all, I miss the feeling.  You know, those butterflies, the yearning, and all that comes with it...THE PASSION!

In my experiences, I've been hurt, used, cheated on all in the name of love.  I forgave, tried again, and thought it would be better the next time.  In some instances it was; well, at least for a little while, but it all pretty much ended up the same.  Truth be told, I honestly didn't do anything to warrant the crap I got, but I guess that's all a part of the process.  I'll give credit where credit is due and state that there were a couple who loved me for me and loved me in the best way they could.

I've tossed the idea of whether or not I'm relationship material given my past, but I've since allowed myself to see past the damage caused in my past and am trying to see myself in a loving and nurturing relationship.  I want feel those feelings that emanate when you're really connected to someone.  I want to share my deepest emotions with someone.  I want to love and be loved.  I've reached the point in my life where I've checked the baggage and the only person entering into any future relationship is me; whole; unfractured me.  It's been no easy task getting where I am now and please believe, I'm still rather cautious about this whole love thing, but I can't deny that part of me that's once been loved so well and helped forge the woman I've become; so I think I owe it to myself to honor that.  

The person I'm currently seeing is a good man and we have good times together, but I'm torn. I'm not sure if I feel the things that will lead to me falling in love.  My lil sis says, I should be patient and allow myself to grow,  (I was single for 2 yrs up until last summer) and see where things go. She thinks I need to not be guarded and voice my concerns with him.  I don't disagree, but his current actions aren't giving me room for much pause in his favor.  I will; however, remain a little more patient and speak to him on his current behaviour.  

This level of conflicted feelings is putting me in fight or flight mode and the latter feeling is prevailing, but I'll hold on a little longer. I prescribe the thought of "I'd rather be happy alone, than unhappy with someone", which also couples with my fight or flight conflict.  I hope that I'll find the love I want and need and I hope that I'll make the right decisions where my emotional well-being is concerned.

I've adopted a new mantra for myself this year "Love to live; live to love" and I hope that while I'm living that I will in fact find that love.

Mad love and big ups to Hawa for making me confront this "issue".

Love to live; live to love!


Lion-ess said...

It's great you never given up on love. Same with me, I love too hard. But that's life, you take risks.. trust in your intuition.
I was in a messed up 4 yr relationship and I got out of it. Went straight into another crazy one.. luckily I went on holiday alone back home in the Caribbean and I guess the salty air cleared my head.. I got out of that shit relationship while on the holiday. Then I spent 6 months pampering myself every night and take time out for me.. Yeah, I dated but I was just enjoying being single and alone. I didn't want another relationship.. then I went on a date with this guy at the end of the 6 mnths.. first date and we really clicked and I felt if that he will be the last guy I ever go out with.. It was scary because I really wanted to stay single. At the end of the night, he told he he'd like to go out with me exclusively... shit! I told him I can't because I'm dating loads of me.. tried to bluff.. lol.. but I knew it was right so after a few agonising minutes, I asked me to ask me again.. and he did.. We'll be together 2 yrs come feb. I've never been so happy and girl, he's amazing. You never know what's around the corner.. relax, be yourself, love being you and your own company.. no need to rush.. When you least expect it, love will come and when it does.. it pours.. You'll know.

Keith said...

Hey Blu Jewell, Happy New Years to you...I'm so glad that you didn't get bitter and give up on love like so many have. Good for you.

chele said...

I've been in the fight or flight situation many times and more times than not "flight" prevailed. I always choose being happy alone than being with someone just for the sake of saying "I've got someone". When I found "the one" I knew it and that is when I stopped running.

Ruthibelle said...

I hope you find the love you are looking for too... it really can be hard tho.. all the very best. Go with God.

Blu Jewel said...

@lion-ess - thanks for the stop by and the good words. it's good to hear from someone else who understands exactly what i'm saying and going through. i'm not going to give up although the temptation does get great. i'm happy you endured and had a favorable outcome. i look forward to that day.

@keith - quitting and being bitter is really unnecessary in spite of what i've been though. all i can do it be patient and know that one day love will come my way.

@chele - wow! your comment sounds exactly like me. i took off my (emotional) running shoes after i read what you said and i'm going to just walk; who knows where the journey will lead me.

@ ruthibelle - yes, it's so damn hard, but as i said, i'll keep holding on.

love to live; live to love!

Mr.Slish said...

Ummm I want to know what the behavior is...Yuh know meh nosy..You have my email...lol

Darius T. Williams said...

LOVE the mantra!

Believer 1964 said...

"i took off my (emotional) running shoes after i read what you said and i'm going to just walk; who knows where the journey will lead me."

My spirit is dancing and my smile big.

You are so deserving of what I know is possible, and hopefully within your reach. Praying for you!

hawa said...

@Lion-ess: That's exactly when the best ish comes - after you've spent time building yourself and stopped even thinking about a relationship. The same happened to me (except my wait was 3 years of no dating, not even a kiss or a hug. (after a divorce).

Poor Blu had to walk me through the courting phase, cause I had on my "flight" shoes. Not only was it foreign to me, but I also had that "too good to be true" fear. Well, that was November 2006. It's January 2009 and my baby still makes my day.

Blu Jewel said...

@ Slish - my yout, me no have you email, so reach out to me blujewel@comast.net den me can be as nosey as you want.

@ Darius - Thanks man! It's how I gotta live even in spite of myself.

@Believer - Thanks for always encouraging me. This is gonna be one hell of a walk; in fact, I think of the movie A Walk to Remember, so I know love can happen; especially when you least expect it.

@Hawa - LOL @ me coaching you. That was a funny timeline and ironically I'm now where you were. You know me, I'm cool being alone and tending my own affairs, but it's still sad when you come out to play and find you have no suitable playmates. I'll holding on though; you know you're my inspiration. *hugs*

Love to live; live to love!

T.C. said...

I too love hard and haven't given up on love but i know now that you must REALLY love yourself first...we all seem to say that but we don't live it like we need to...in addition...i really really want to be my partners BEST FRIEND i want he and i to really have that bond of friendship first so i'll take my time and let it come when it comes

Blu Jewel said...

@ T.C - you're so right sis and i've always been impressed with how you regard yourself in the equation of love/relationships. your next time is going to be wonderful.

love to live; live to love!