When I love someone, I love hard. I give them all I have and all I am in letting them know their role, worth, and importance to me. I'm loyal, committed (sometimes committable), and play hard and play for keeps. I ask for all of the above in return, as I believe in treating someone how you want to be treated. It's been quite a while since I've been in love and quite honestly I miss it. I miss the companionship, the simple pleasures/joys, the opportunity to spoil someone and be spoiled, and most of all, I miss the feeling. You know, those butterflies, the yearning, and all that comes with it...THE PASSION!
In my experiences, I've been hurt, used, cheated on all in the name of love. I forgave, tried again, and thought it would be better the next time. In some instances it was; well, at least for a little while, but it all pretty much ended up the same. Truth be told, I honestly didn't do anything to warrant the crap I got, but I guess that's all a part of the process. I'll give credit where credit is due and state that there were a couple who loved me for me and loved me in the best way they could.
I've tossed the idea of whether or not I'm relationship material given my past, but I've since allowed myself to see past the damage caused in my past and am trying to see myself in a loving and nurturing relationship. I want feel those feelings that emanate when you're really connected to someone. I want to share my deepest emotions with someone. I want to love and be loved. I've reached the point in my life where I've checked the baggage and the only person entering into any future relationship is me; whole; unfractured me. It's been no easy task getting where I am now and please believe, I'm still rather cautious about this whole love thing, but I can't deny that part of me that's once been loved so well and helped forge the woman I've become; so I think I owe it to myself to honor that.
The person I'm currently seeing is a good man and we have good times together, but I'm torn. I'm not sure if I feel the things that will lead to me falling in love. My lil sis says, I should be patient and allow myself to grow, (I was single for 2 yrs up until last summer) and see where things go. She thinks I need to not be guarded and voice my concerns with him. I don't disagree, but his current actions aren't giving me room for much pause in his favor. I will; however, remain a little more patient and speak to him on his current behaviour.
This level of conflicted feelings is putting me in fight or flight mode and the latter feeling is prevailing, but I'll hold on a little longer. I prescribe the thought of "I'd rather be happy alone, than unhappy with someone", which also couples with my fight or flight conflict. I hope that I'll find the love I want and need and I hope that I'll make the right decisions where my emotional well-being is concerned.
I've adopted a new mantra for myself this year "Love to live; live to love" and I hope that while I'm living that I will in fact find that love.
Mad love and big ups to Hawa for making me confront this "issue".
Love to live; live to love!