31 March 2009


Since embarking on my journey of restoration back in 2006, I realized that I'd lived a good portion of my life censored. I grew up in a house with 4 other siblings and on the weekends when I visited my father, had two more there. In each household, I found that my voice went pretty much unheard. At my mum's, I was the one that was left out, picked on, received little or no attention, which promoted my desire to escape through writing or creating parallel existences and remain censored. While at my father's, my brother and sister included me in their activities, but my father kept us tightly reigned in with his strong religious beliefs and practices, which in that environment kept me relatively censored.

As I grew up, I found that while I had a pretty good voice inside of me, I rarely used it. I excelled in academics and sports, was sought out as a friend, and was well liked and received in all my social events/activities. However, in spite of all of that, I still remained censored. I was often afraid to say what was on my mind, what I was going through, and pretty much buried myself deep within and became what everyone wanted me to be. I lived like that for many years.

When I joined the military in 1987, I knew it was something I truly wanted to do, but wondered how I'd fare with someone barking orders at me all day. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about being surrounded by a bunch of women; most of whom I couldn't stand. And my paramount thought was, "will this conformity make or break my censorship?" I soon learned that I was able to be uncensored as the need to be strong, dilligent, resourceful, and sometimes mean in order to make it through. Hiding within wasn't going to bode well and I channeled all my inner containment out into a formidable trainee. I spoke up, maintained strong ethic/convictions, and ensured that my I was both seen and heard. I became a leader and was put in charge of my peers. This further promoted my desire to remain uncensored and it worked well. I garnered the respect I worked for and my voice was sought in many ways.

Upon returning home, I maintained a very strong disposition and worked that summer (88) in an in resident college educational program. It was a great environment for me to grow as a leader and use my voice to guide and teach incoming freshmen. I did that for the remainder of that school year and the next summer. Ironically, as much as being uncensored served me well, it failed me miserably in my actual personal life. I got into a relationship with someone who was a couple years younger than me, less secure in themselves, not a college student, and in some ways a little possessive. This caused me to stop being so vocal, strong willed, and I became what he wanted me to be. This relationship almost led to marriage, but his infidelity precluded that from ever happening.

In the years that succeeded that point, I had a had a child, graduated from college, maintained living on my own, and entered the world of extreme censorship. I hid in more ways than one and slowly and systematically broke down. The turning point came when my personal Pandora's box opened; forcing me to deal with some very hard and painful memories that until then, I'd keep carefully tucked away. I sought professional help and released what I thought was everything; not so! I survived for a little while, thinking that I'd opened up enough and would make it though. I was once again put back into my box and censoring became my revolving door best friend for many, many years.

Fast forward to 2006...I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd been married; divorced; entered a relationship, that while good wasn't really good for either one of us as we'd both jumped from the fires into the flame of our previous relationship without the benefit of healing in between. We had some good times, but ultimately we couldn't stay together. I decided to work on myself. I stopped being sexual and entered celibacy. I began to deal with ALL of my issues and one by one I began to overcome them. I was brutally honest with myself, my past, and worked on forgiving myself and those who'd hurt me over the years. I reconciled feelings that had laid dormant, I challenged myself to be the woman I knew I should be all the time, and relied on my faith to guide me through. During that time, I incurred a major health issue of which I got through with the love/support of close friends and family, and I think it was that experience that truly showed my resiliency and my desire to no longer allow myself to be censored. I realized then more than ever that I had a voice and had to use it. I refused to allow myself to be what others wanted me to be and be who I was supposed to be.

Uncensorship is a good and bad thing for me as I often speak exactly what's on my mind. I don't do it to be hurtful or malicious, I just speak in the situation as I see it. If I've offended, I'm willing to explain and when necessary apologize; as I'm not too big to be corrected. Uncensorship allows me to live with positive energy, to not hurt/compromise myself, and be open to all the wonders/possibilities/opporunties that surround me. Uncensorship allows me to live out loud and outside of the box. Coloring outside of the lines can be just as pretty and equally creative. And that's how I see myself; a beautiful, perfectly imperfect creation of God's goodness. He's given me a voice and I'll use it. He's extended His grace and mercy upon me and I plan to show my appreciation for it by living a good life. I will not allow myself to be pigeon-holed, beat down, put down, or filled with angst/drama/baggage. I am a free and wonderful woman who loves to live and lives to love. I can and will be all that I am intended to me.

Have a blessed one.

Love to live; live to love!

30 March 2009

PSA - Stop playing yourself!

So, I'm in a convo with one of my boys and he tells me about an incident with a chic and now she's acting all d*ck sprung. First, let me say, my boy's actions are not and were not condoned by me as I'm not one to promote cheating, but it was a one time affair and after cussing him out and punching him a time or two (wanted to Chris.Brown him), but I forgave him.

Story #1...Chic tells my boy that she wants to be with him. Not just in the bed, but in general. She cited that he was good and they did things that her Boyfriend hasn't done, and now she's got the desire to want to be with him. I go into immediate ballistic mode and am all kinds of ticked off. It's bad enough they both cheated on their S.Os, but chic has the presense of mind to think that justifies them both leaving their S.Os to take up with each other. HUH? Really? Chic knows little about my boys personality, habits, pros/cons, but she's wants to be with him. My anger increases.

We continue to talk and I tell him my slew of reasons why this scenerio is so wrong.

1) Given that their interaction was nothing more than a jump off, how is that breeding grounds for a permanent or stable relationsip?

2) If her dude isn't breaking her off right, then she needs to talk to him about it and find ways to improve their sex life and not run out there to get it from someone else

3) What makes her think she's got something or is doing something his girl isn't or hasn't?

4) She needs to exact a little self-respect and not think that she's all that because they had good sex. Good sex doesn't make anyone a good partner in other areas.

5) How would she feel if her dude did what she did and is throwing himself at some other chic?

6) How can she think that he'd have any grounds to trust her or properly respect her if she slept with him while she has a man and is now basically begging for the d*ck?

7) Does she think this is proper etiquette for a women nearing 30 to have?

Now, keep in mind that I'm not siding with my boy as he's doing his damndest to keep chic at bay, and was dead wrong for what he did; but he's not going to leave his girl for the jump off and knows she's not what he's looking for in a girlfriend anyway.

This is the kind of behavior that screams desperation, insecurity, immaturity, and stupidty. What woman in her right mind conducts herself like this and thinks that a man is going to find that attractive? I'm sure there are actually plenty, but speaking for my secure and mature sisters, we ain't getting down like that. This girl is setting herself up to get laid and played and nothing more if this was how my boy wanted to do her; or any other man for that matter. Fortunately, he's not inclined to treat women like that and is trying to distance himself from chic, but she sure isn't making it easy.

Story #2
This girl is also d*ck sprung and while she's been told on numerous occasions that what they had is over, she's still trying to find ways to get back in. Homegirl found a way to initiate conversation with my boy and as I forewarned him she would, is now trying to get him in bed. Fortunately, they don't reside in the same state, but she's the kind that would travel for the d*ck. Now, I'm not knocking a sister from seeking out what's good, but he's NOT hers; he's NOT single, and he DOESN'T want her, so why can't she get this through her head? I've had some good d*ck in my day that had me crossing state lines at a moments notice, but I sure as hell didn't beg or play myself for it. I've had low self-esteem, but never no/low self-respect.

Homegirl tried to flip the situation and make it seem like he was a punk or whatever for not responding the way she'd hoped he would, but that's her dumb ass fault for playing herself. She knows he has a girl and doesn't plan on leaving her.

Women, I've got to say this...PLEASE STOP PLAYING YOURSELVES!!!! You know who you are, you know you're doing it, and you need to stop. Find your self-esteem, self-respect, and stop reducing yourselves to the sum of your parts. No, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get yours and hell, I'm all for a woman exercising her right to be sexually fulfilled, but stop doing it with someone else's man. Stop begging for the d*ck or playing yourself out for it as you'll be the same women who'll send out inivitation to your Male Bashing Party and wait for other women like you to R.S.V.P so you can cry the blues and get drunk off your Haterade.

Contrary to what you might have heard, men don't really find this practice attractive or favorable. You are seen for and treated as the desperate women that you are. Granted, he might treat you well for the moment or whatever he does, but trust me; cause my boys done told me, that they really aren't into you like that. They're men and for the most part won't turn down some p*ssy. They're gonna beat it up, freak you out, and do whatever tricks you allow them to do (their words; not mine) because you let them and they're not leaving their girls for you. You'll become the subject of conversation where you're talked about with such distain that you'd hide yourself in a closet for days after hearing; just like my boy and I did.

Now, I'm not sitting on a morality pedastal and thinking I'm holier than thou because that's certainly not the case. I'm speaking on a situation that needs to be spoken about. I'm exercising the voice that some women need to hear. I think it's important for us as women to recognize and value our worth. Men will treat you the way you allow them to. I repeat, MEN WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM TO. If you set the precedence of f*cking a men without really knowing anything about him, then you've set the stage for how you'll be treated. Here and there, there are exceptions to the rule; however, those are some rare occassions.

Men, I know you're gonna rarely turn down the opportunity for a quick roll, but think about the after effects of what you're doing. Consider that chic might go loco on you, key your car, call your crib or even show up to do damage to your relationship. She could do any number of crazy things because she's now a woman scorned, hurt, and rejected. Trust me, I know you know it's not worth it, so man up and do the hard thing; which more often than not is actually the right thing; and turn her down. Don't allow yourself to become the sum of your parts. There's no sex worth that much drama over.

Women, as I said before, please stop treating yourself with little or no respect and expect to get respect/ed. Yes, by all means get your sex on, but don't play yourself for it. Stop sleeping with someone else's man. Value yourself enough to be more than a hit and run.

PSA over...

love to live; live to love!

26 March 2009

wrong in every way

I was over at Yazmar's spot; saw this pic, and was instantly mad as hell. This is the reason why we have some much inappropriate sexual behaviour in our community. Grown ass women acting a damn monkey with little boys. Whoever took this pic is just as bad as the stank thang in the pic. The little boy is all on his little tippy-toes trying to hump that a butt that's bigger than he is. This is so wrong and we need to stop thinking this is cute and appropriate.

I wish I would find some chic all up on one of my nephews and see if I don't slap the taste out her mouth without even hestitating. There is no way anyone can justify this as right.
Love to live; live to love!

19 March 2009

Paying it Forward Giveaway

Thanks to Believer who got this from Tanyetta for this inspiring post.

Giving a portion of my blessing is something I'm always willing to do.

The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive a gift from me during this year. Knowing me you'll get it shortly because I hate pending lists and besides I'm sure you'll be anxious to see what I'll send you.

The prize is a surprise and will be mailed anywhere in the United Sates.

You must post this same thing (Paying it Forward Giveaway) on your own blog and then come back and leave a comment telling me you're in, along with a link.

Remember, only the first 3 comments participating in the Pay It Forward Giveaway will receive a gift. Thanks to Tanyetta for posting this.

Remember, no tag backs!

Recap of the Rules:
1. Leave a comment with the link to your Pay It Forward Giveaway post.
2. Be willing to follow through on sending out one prize to 3 lucky winners of your contest.
3. Make sure your profile has contact information available. Otherwise, spell out your email address in the comment section.

Good luck to whomever responds to this. If you're not one of the lucky top 3, don't feel slighted as I'm likely to do this again a couple times a year, or I'll dedicate a post entirely to you.

Love to live; live to love!

18 March 2009

wordless wednesday - caption this pic...

I didn't know what to post about today, so in keeping with my inability to talk about anything, I figured I'd post a pic and let you caption it. Have fun!

17 March 2009

Purpose Driven

It’s always been a dream of mine to help women of any age over come the effects of abuse in any form. As one who’s overcome sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, I feel strongly that I am a testament to others that they, too, can overcome those things in their lives.

Back in January, I spoke with a neighbor who’s setting up a Women’s Ministry that will help women in various stages of abuse get help and I told her I want to participate. To date, I haven’t been a part of her ministry, but know that I will.

This past Sunday, I was invited to attend a church service which was devoted to Women’s Ministry and I was blessed to receive an amazing sermon delivered by my friend and mentor. I was almost moved tears as she so eloquently and powerfully delivered The Word. After the service, I waited to speak with her while she spoke with a young lady who was apparently going through some things. Now, I’m not one to just start speaking to people I don’t know; much less “minister” to them, but the Lord moved me to speak with her and boy was I blessed with some words of comfort, support, and inspiration to this young lady. The words just flowed like water from my mouth and I could see that she was receiving them in spite of her circumstance. Her mother listened in and thanked me for speaking with her daughter. Two other women heard me speaking and they asked how they too could begin the healing process in their lives. I spoke to them with limited information as to their respective issues and each woman thanked me for my words of direction, inspiration, and support.

As I sat with my friend after the service as we waited for lunch, the Pastor’s wife began speaking to me and said that I have a good spirit and thanked me for speaking with the women. I told her, it was my pleasure and all I wanted to do was show them that they could overcome their circumstances if they believed in themselves and began their healing process with forgiveness of themselves. After about an hour of conversation with my elders, I left for home nourished and fulfilled with the word of the Lord and the joy of knowing that I made a difference; even a small one.

Come Monday, my friend informed me that the women of her church were more than impressed with me and would like me to come back to the church and do a workshop or some other form of instruction for women. Naturally, I was stunned, but ever so grateful for having been in the right place at the right time. I told my friend, I would do whatever they asked of me as I would be doing the Lords work and also fulfilling a dream I’ve had for a long time. She also told me that the young lady's countenance was completely changed after my speaking to her and she even mentioned it during her welcoming speech for the afternoon service. My last visual of the young lady was a sad face, with tear stained eyes, but to hear that she was smiling and exuding positive and good energy that brought amazing joy to my heart.

We live in a world where love often takes a back seat to the hurt, pain, suffering, etc., which occurs all too frequently. I know from personal experience the damage this infliction can do to a person’s spirit and if I can touch even just one life, I know that the purpose of my suffering was not for naught. Everything we go through is a learning lesson good or bad and while what I endured was particularly painful and damaging, I made it through to the other side and it’s made me the woman I am today; a woman I love and celebrate.

As I perused my bookshelf last night, I found many a book that I can and will use to create a lesson plan for a workshop I will hold. I know it’s His will that I do this and look forward to the many tears and joys that will come of this sharing. We all have a gift that we can give or share to another and I hope that each and everyone of us takes the time to find it (if you haven’t already) and use it purposefully.

I wish I could remember where I found this quote, but it speaks to the direction in which we need to live our lives: “My purpose shall stand, and I will fulfill my intention”.

Have a truly; truly blessed day y’all.

Love to live; live to love!

11 March 2009

Wild, wacky, wierd, wonderful, Wednesday

These are the W's for my Wednesday...

Woke up this morning and am blessed to see a new day (praise Him)
I'm going to a basketball game tonight with New, Old Friend (who'll henceforth be renamed NOF)
I'll have a much needed deposit into my account on Friday (thank you Jesus)
Grampy (who'll henceforth be renamed as Dreadz) may be back in NY within the next couple weeks (yay!)
I'm supposed to have a Blogger meet up this month (very cool)

I'm having cravings for a buffet of the following foods: Thai, Indian, Jamaican, and home country favourite; Fish n chips! (yummy)
Mr. Toolbelt keeps coming to mind (yikes)

I'm in a really nutty mood
I'm probably going to put someone on blast today
I've been on Facebook "stalking"

Might get "cozy" with NOF

I want to go to a Dancehall party (reggae music)
I look really cute today in my black knee high boots, black above the knee, mock turtleneck/sleeveless dress, with gray/black suit jacket
There's a reggae song called Romping Shop by Vybz Kartel ft. Spice which is uses the Ms. Independent (Ne-Yo) track and it's H-O-T!!! There is a clean and raw version both on YouTube.

Love to live; live to love!

10 March 2009

Open Letter...Thanks!

Yesterday I was txting with New, Old Friend and he said something that really touched my heart. He said, "I like the way you mother ur baby". Wow! Those few simple words touched my heart because we've only been back in touch for a couple of months now, but he can see/hear that in me when it comes to Lil Lady. He once commented that he likes how we talk to each other when he heard us on the phone, but this means so much more than that. To me, it shows that he's really paying attention and he knows how much my being a mother to her means to me. He doesn't try to continue a conversation with me if he knows we're together and says, spend your time with her and we'll talk later. That level of care and respect is important and shows compassion and maturity on his part. Even though Lil Lady is almost 17, she's still my baby and I put my all into her and the time we spend together. He's been good about not asking to see me when she's on my dime and doesn't mind waiting until she's with her dad to get some time in with me.

So, thanks New, Old Friend for being the kind, sensitive, and understanding person you are. It means so much that you respect my position as a parent as well as apreciating me as a woman.

Love to live; live to love!

09 March 2009

The truth will set you free

My bestie has been in a relationship since last summer and it seemed all good at first, but over time, I started to see some things that were pissing me off. I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to rain on her parade. I dropped a hint or two here and there, but never really vocalized my thoughts because I pick and choose my battles wisely.

A month or so ago, I mentioned some things that had been on my mind and she seemed like she was listening, but I don't think she was really hearing me. I left it alone and went on business as usual. Just the other day, bestie was pissed off royal and I used it as a segway to voice the things that had been on my mind. Fortuantely for me, she was receptive to what was being said and took it all very well; better than I'd expected actually.

She's apparently stuck to her guns and the advice she was given and the relationship appears that it's going to come to an end. I'm happy that I spoke up and shared my views instead of sucking it up and watching her suffer and/or think no one gave a damn about what she was going through. Sometimes it takes the input or influence of those who care about us to help us see the forest for the trees. That's what friendship and love is all about.

Love to live; live to love!

04 March 2009

ruining a good thing...

I'm noticing a trend of late that folk just don't know how to not ruin things. On Saturday, we did a GNO (Girls Night Out), which was a brave move on our part given the threatening weather conditions in the area, but because we'd committed, we mozied on out.

Ruin #1...So, we're in the club and after getting drinks; head to the dance floor. While in motion, some dude decides he's going to grab my arm to get my attention. Ding, ding, ding! That's a big time no-no and wrong move on his part. I managed to pull my arm back without spilling my drink and roll my eyes to say, "talk with your mouth, not with your hands." My girls know how I roll and were hoping that his action wouldn't incite a verbal confrontation as a result. Fortunately for dude; it didn't.

Ruin #2...We're talking to each other, doing our thing, and taking pictures when some lame decides he's going to jump into one of the shots. He's now ruined a good shot that I can't photoshop his dumb ass out of and I'm heated. No, not because he wasn't cute, but because his action was rude and uncalled for.

Ruin #3...The girls and I are chilling and still doing our thing when another dude comes over and jumps all in our conversation without saying "excuse me" or extending any other polite social grace to interject himself into the conversation and our space. We play nice and let him prepare to annoy us. Then he does the ultimate no-no...he touches me. AARRGGHH!! My girls are looking at him like, "aww hell, you done effed up now playa!" I'm less than polite in my reaction by not only pulling back, but firmly stating, "you talk with your mouth not with your hands and we ain't that cool for you to be touching me". He jumps back, apologizes and then starts with his barrage of questions and corny compliments.

"Damn, girl, you're sexy as hell. You married?"
"Oh, really? So, we can be friends then?"
"Friends? Really? Why?"
"Cause I'm a nice guy and everyone needs a friend."
Wow! Could he have been anymore corny?
"He live with you?"
"Does he have keys to your place?"
Was he really serious? I'm trying not to laugh in his face.
"That's good. You don't need no one having access to your spot. So, then we can be friends."
"Uhm...no! I don't need anymore friends."
This dumb conversation goes back and forth until he finally stops. Then he asks what I'm drinking.
"Jack and coke!"
"Damn! That's gangsta. I knew there was something different about you."
I all but laughed in his face with that one.
"And you got mad confidence too."
"Oh, yeah? How'd you come up with that?"
"Cause you wearing that top and anyone who can pull that off gotta have confidence."
Aiight, I'll give him that one. I was wearing that halter vest rather well.
"I gotta get your next drink for you."
"No, not necessary, I'm good."
"I insist."
So, I let dude by the drink, he's talking about all kinds of nonsense that I'm paying little or no attention to and he's still not getting a clue and I could have sworn I saw Vanna White in the building!

Well, long story short, he finally finds Vanna, gets a clue, and leaves me alone, but damn if he didn't ruin what could have been a good buzz! Sheesh!

Honorable mentions...

Ruin #4...I'm friends with a really nice guy, who's courting me hard and it's been great until I ask a question about what kind of relationship we could have and he says, "let enjoy ourselves a little, why does life have to be so serious?" Well, that my friends bascially told me, we're heading in the direction of being FWBs (Friends with Benefits). While I'm not necessarily opposed to that, it's not something I'm really feeling at right now. No, I'm not ready to rush into a relationship with him or anyone else, but I would rather know that when we spend time together it doesn't always have to end in our having sex or have the presence that sex is a part of the plan.

Ruin #5...Just because you don't know my personal business, doesn't give you the right to make assumptions about me. I share only what I want to share in the work place or wherever I am because those details aren't that personal and just because you choose to divulge every detail of your, doesn't make me inclined to do the same. Furthermore, it's called Personal Business for a reason. My dating status is none of your business, so just because you don't see me with man; doesn't mean there isn't one in my life. Just because I wear nice clothes, don't assume I'm ballin; I just know how to shop cheap without looking cheap. Or because I don't engage your foolishness, don't label me "stuck up or mean".

That's all folks...have a truly blessed day.

Love to live; live to love!

03 March 2009

what i've learned so far...

Love is one of the single most important emotions there is

Friendships can be sustained even if the intimate relationship fails

Real frienships can endure time and distance

An ounce of positivity can outweigh a pound of negativity

The failures we endure are becaues we were too afraid to 1) speak up, 2) try or 3) have faith

Just because someone wronged us, doesn't mean we should carry that weight. Forgive them, forgive yourself, and move on

A kind word, a listening ear, and an open heart can make the difference between life and death

A leap of faith can be the biggest step you ever take

Open and honest communication is the true key to any successful relationship

Trust, respect, and communication are the key building blocks to any relationship (intimate or platonic)

When you mess up, own up to it, it builds character, respect, and ones ability to be human

Understanding and healing your past provides a better future

Blessings come in many forms, make sure you take the time to notice them

Trials are the cornerstone of triumpths

I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent

When you've walked the walk, then you can talk the talk

Having a college education doesn't make you smarter, it means to spent more money to learn how to be smart

Common sense really isn't that common

Material things are nice, but they don't really show your core worth or wealth

You may trip or stagger, but you don't have to fall and if you do, dust yourself and keep on going

Find the one thing you truly love about yourself and live it, be it, embrace it, and nuture it

Even when you think you have nothing to give; you do...love and a smile

Still waters run deep

Be careful not to confuse sex for love and love for sex

Sex is overrated if you don't have a real connection with the person

Taking some "me" time doesn't make you selfish; it makes you stronger, whole, and fulfilled

Trying something new can be wonderful

Standing for something will prevent you from falling for anything

What can you add?

Love to live; live to love!