30 September 2008
With gratitude for the gift of strength, I am strong in all circumstances.
With gratitude for the gift of discernment, I have the wisdom and insight to move in the direction that is right for me.
With gratitude for the gift of love, I radiate love to others.
With gratitude for the gift of power, I can achieve my goals.
With gratitude for the gift of imagination, I am receptive to creative ideas that I use to contribute to the bounty and beauty of the world.
With gratitude for the gift of understanding, I deepen my awareness of the goodness of God.
With gratitude for the gift of will, I am steady and sure on my spiritual path.
With gratitude for the gift of order, I trust in the divine plan of good for my life.
With gratitude for the gift of zeal, I have energy and enthusiasm to do all that is mine to do.
With gratitude for the gift of elimination, I release any negative thought and open the way to a new send of well-being.
With gratitude for the gift of life, I am continuously renewed in body, mind, and spirit.
I live each day in freedom, peace, and joy.
25 September 2008
knowing that God did not bring me this far to leave me now
knowing that when the world goes out, God and His word will always be there
lil lady had a sub for one of her classes and the sub said they could do what she wanted and she decided to txt me *huge smile*
lil lady's boyfriend txts me to say thank you and that he loves me
feeling like a little girl in his big, strong arms
an email from jus.b.fli to say, "I Love You"
an email from believer1964 to ask me if i'd like to do a guest post on her blog
a voicemail from The Man saying, "hi sweetie pie"
a call from The Man where i realized it was him after i answered and before he spoke, and greeted him with a cheery, "hi honey"
another call at work from The Man where he paused after i said, "hi, this is Blu" and made sure he made enough noise for me to realize it was him so i could say, "hi honey"
graduating from doing 30 pushups a day to now being able to do 40
successfully losing almost 12lbs
the shock and awe on someone's face when they realized i was not 29, but 41
lunch with a dear friend who saw me through my tears and encouraged me
a call from the same dear friend who called me to tell me that God will handle it all for me
my pending "girls day" with my 63 year old friend Robin; she's so crazy
realizing how strong he is
IPRs (Involuntary Physical Responses) *giggle*
that certain feeling right there *devilish giggle*
going to my support group and know that it's okay for me to "act out"
the random and crazy txts from The Mayor (moniker for cuz's bf)
the txt from my cuz (The Mayor's girl) telling me not to worry about what they're doing after i received the crazy txt from her man
looking in my freezer at all the food my mum cooked for me while she was in NJ last week
knowing that mum has my back
fussing at doing lil lady's laundry, but doing it anyway
finding a way to make a $1 out of 15 cents
knowing that somehow; in some way i'm making a difference to someone
the great posts i've read from my blogger family
knowing and believing that everything will be okay
24 September 2008
22 September 2008
It made me reflect on how I recently felt about someone and how he completely shat on my feelings and to date has given no explanation for his treatment and actions. Refer to What Freedom Feels Like for backstory.
I recall the many times I used to say to him that the word and deed go hand in hand or that words without action are just words. Naturally, he argued thinking that because it was said, so it shall be; I remained firm, and now I’m simply withdrawn.
I’m the kind of woman who loves hard. I don’t invest casually into any man and I refuse to allow myself to be caught up by the pretty words because they sound sweet and nice. Just because the melody is good; doesn't mean I'm going to like the song. I know through experience that words hurt too and can be equally damaging as physical pain. In the case of he whom I’ll here on out refer to as, Mr. Ublewit, he can’t say he wasn’t warned. He knew from the very beginning what kind of woman I was, what I was about, and what I could and would tolerate. The lack of communication, mutual respect, and reciprocity in word/deed are deal breakers for me. For over a year, I wrestled with my feelings and just when I finally came to that place of letting go; he let me down. He disappeared for slightly over a month and then returned as if what he did was the most normal thing for him to do.
Although, I never fell completely in love with him, I felt a love for him; one which was expressed in both word and deed. It was something that took a lot for me to finally accept and acknowledge and something that in spite of myself I shared with him. I again, reflect on the scripture and realize that the Word is so powerful and so true. As much as I was angered, hurt, and disappointed by what Mr. Ublewit did, I realize, I lived the scripture and won’t fault myself for how/what I felt because at least I know I’m capable for feeling and loving. Mr. Ublewit has yet to recognize and realize that love is not some four-letter word you can toss around profanely and think it’s going to have worth or merit; especially when it’s not performed in deed or truth. The sum of who I see him as now is reduced to him being a bullshitter and unfortunately, not a very good one because his ego seems to precede his sensibility at this point.
I’ve since moved on from Mr. Ublewit and am seeing someone who expresses himself in word and deed. No, it’s not all perfect and I don’t expect it to be, but at least I know that he’s willing to put forth the effort to appreciate the love; at whatever stage and not take it for granted. He shows his affection and invests in me accordingly; from noticing that he hasn’t heard from me and calls me at work and leaves a voice message; to then follow up by calling me on my cell or at home. He’s made me think he’s not coming to see me and then show up at my front door. He’ll buy my favorite drink (D&G Ginger Beer…a Jamaican soda) and/or snack (bun & cheese; another Jamaican thing), which shows he pays attention to my likes and wants. He doesn’t have to say “I love you” to show me that has love for me; it’s the little things that carry enormous weight. In addition, he’s acting in deed and truth. I give him in both word and deed my affections and intentions so he never has to doubt me in anyway. I allow myself to be a little vulnerable at times and let him nuture the little girl inside of me who simply wants to be loved. I seek the little boy in him that wants the same...it's love in deed and truth; no pretense; not half-stepping and no bullshit.
I apply this same love to those I care about. My friends and family know that they can and will get a random txt, card, or call from me that simply says, “I love you”, “I’m thinking about you”, or whatever sentiment deemed appropriate at the time. Love is something that can and should be manifested in all we do all the time. More effort needs to be placed in loving each other as humans and not pets or material things. Now, don’t get me wrong, loving animals is a wonderful thing, but we all know that some people take it a little too far. *lol*.
I digress…Love is something we all need and we all need to share in order to receive. Love is not something to be squandered, ill-applied for personal gain, or to be used as a tool/weapon. Love is something we all want and desire and we must plant the seed in order to reap the reward of it. The scripture says it all. Reflect on it and utilize it to its fullest.
When you see someone in need,
Love demands a loving deed;
Don’t just say you love him true,
Prove it by the deeds you do. —Sper
17 September 2008
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you’.
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present.
The irony of this post, is that I’m not in a happy place right now. My first cousin (in Jamaica) got washed away in hurricane Gustav and has been declared dead, though his body hasn’t been found yet. A very close family friend died and was cremated on my birthday. Another first cousin’s husband was killed in a car accident. My granny had a mini stroke and was hospitalized. My male BFF’s father just passed away after a long illness. And my dude gave me a ration of drama over semantics. So, needless to say, the sparkle in the jewel is a little dim right now. In fact, to sum up my emotions, I’m feeling rather pissed off, tearful, lost, hurt, offended, and even a little angry, but I do know that it’s a passing phase. I will not allow myself to wallow or have a pity party. I know this all shall pass and life continues in spite of. I also know life is too short to watch it pass me by. I have life and I plan to live it and live it well. I know the Lord didn’t bring me this far to leave me, so like the blind man who saw the beauty in the world, I, too, shall seek and find all the joy, beauty, and happiness that exists around me and appreciate it all.
Excerpt from It's Gonna Rain by Kelly Price...
Count it on joy (Oh...yeah)
Mornin' will come (After the rain)
The sun will shine (So keep your head up)
Keep your head high ('cause God will take care of you)
It will rain (Oh, yes, He will)
There'll be pain (Some times there will be pain)
Trouble will come (Oh...whoa...ho...)
Understand (Count it on joy)
And today, I shall count it all joy!
12 September 2008
11 September 2008
Why am I so full of you
But you’re elusive to me
I use you in all I do for others
Yet the reciprocation vacates
Why do I believe in something
I can not see, but feel so deeply
Are you likened to the faith
I hold so near and dear
That keeps me going in spite of
Love, why do you treat me so
Filling me with hope and promise
Then leaving me with sadness and emptiness
I love not for loves sake
But for the fulfillment of a natural need
To give that which I feel for he
Who’ll become the counterpart of me
Why love are you mirage of my hearts desire?
© BluJewel 2008
"Now everybody that loves God, give him thanks, give him glory, give him praise
He deserves it, he's worthy,
That's the least we can do for all of the wonderful things that he's done for us
Come on and help us praise him, " The Least I Can Do - Smokie Norful
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Rejoicing in our oneness with God and one another, we celebrate healing in every aspect of our lives and in the world.
Today we celebrate our oneness with God and with one another. Letting our understanding of this oneness deepen, we open ourselves more fully to God's presence.
In anticipation of new expressions of healing, prosperity, compassion, and freedom in our lives and in the lives of people worldwide, we give thanks to our Creator.
With each prayer we pray, each feeling of gratitude to God, we open the way to bountiful blessings. Let us rejoice in our oneness and celebrate the healing that is taking place. Let us carry this spirit of celebration in our hearts from this day forward.
"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, so that those who love your name may exult in you."--Psalm 5:11
09 September 2008
When I read this quote, I recalled a recent incident where someone was caught in a situation and did everything in his power to play the victim. Even when confronted with the facts and how he blew things out of proportion, he still tried to play the victim and not admit to his own fault/actions in what took place and move to correct his behavior. It took a lot of gumption on the parts of the other parties involved to not back down and make said person account for what he did and make the necessary concessions and apologies.
To that end, I take a lot of pride in trying to make good when I've done something wrong. I get the most awful feeling inside of me that does not rest until I can and have found a way to fix things.
I think it's extremely important for people to take the necessary provisions to correct their wrongdoings and rest on their integrity and moral fiber. While it's not always easy to admit fault, it's still a well-noted and received quality. When one is willing to admit s/he is wrong, the wrongdoing isn't always thrown back at them, but instead the fact of being of good character is always mentioned and remembered.
I recall an incident with Lil Lady and she hurt and disappointed me enormously, but she went to great lengths to remedy the situation that all I could do was praise her and her improvements. Being a part of the solution is far better than being a part of the situation.
The more I live life, the more I see how much integrity, moral fiber, and content of character is so important. With the installation of these traits, we're able to become raise better children, handle various situations, and most importantly be seen as upstanding people. No one wants to be branded a liar or untrustworthy, but so many are willing to receive that than stand up and do the hard thing, which has more value. Doing the right thing may be hard, but it carries the most weight and is more favorable in the long run.
As I look at the current political arena, I've become more aware of how important it is to stand firm on your convictions is they're true than to appease the masses or lie your way out of a situation. It's my humble opinion that if you're really 'bout it; bout it, you don't need to sling mud at another to make your point because your actions will speak for you and your moral fiber remains in tact. Jamaican's have an expression, "the higher the monkey climbs, the more he exposes". I think it's all time we stop climbing trees and remain on firm ground.
Well class is now over kiddies. I hope the opening quote will be of use out there in classroom of life and help you to be of good character.
05 September 2008
i got a txt from dude i blogged about in What Freedom Feels Like on Thursday saying, "how r u? i hope ur having a good day" @4:19pm...it's now Friday @ 7:12pm and i still haven't responded...let freedom ring! *giggle*
i was having an emotional meltdown and reached out to my cousin and my male bestie of 25yrs and they both talked me off the ledge in their respective ways.
said male bestie was so amazing in his support and follow up that he moved me to tears.
i actually took some time out for myself by ignoring calls, sleeping in, and leaving work early.
i like my current interest more than i probably should and it's driving me crazy.
if my mood swings don't calm down, i'm seriously thinking of seeing my dr about getting on something
i have rope burn for how tight i'm holding onto the knot in the rope
love is an elusive and deceptive emotion
i've never felt more emotionally drained than i do right now
if saying, "eff it all!" was an option, i think i'd take it
reggae is some good ass music
no one believes i'm almost 41; i've been hearing i look 26 for the past couple weeks
i finally lost almost 10lbs without even really trying, but when i try, it never happens
i finally got my cover up tattoo and i love it...pix forthcoming
reality sucks; fantasy never disappoints
potential is only good when it reaches manifestation; why can't folk just wo/man up?
i need to start going back to the firing range
why can't i have things MY way just ONCE?
after the week i've had, i can kinda understand why people drink to excess to escape
i've seen emotional fraud manifest itself and let me tell you, it's a fuggin horrible thing for the one who was deceived
eff it! i'm out...
03 September 2008
So, let me just come out and ask the question, do you have a problem with people who aren't of the same sexual orientation or gender identity as you? Please think before answering and most importantly be honest. That being said, let me continue...
I have never had an issue with people of other races, genders, sexual orientation/preference/or identity. Why? Because I never had a reason to. As far as I'm concerned, we're all our respective people; good and bad, so we must live and let live. My liberal viewpoint stems from where and how I was raised and it has been with me ever since.
Growing up in London, I truly felt like I was in a melting pot. I had friends of all races and we shared our cultures with each other. I knew of gays/lesbians and while I didn't understand the true dynamic of it, I wasn't offended by them. I did know a drag queen by way of a friend and I was rather fascinated by how well he looked as a woman. It wasn't until I moved to the U.S that I started to see and understand the full spectrum of sexual orientation in its many forms.
I became aware of how people were negatively treated and affected by their sexuality and made to feel ashamed of who they were. While there are those who I feel have 'chosen' to be gay (male or female), I truly believe that most gays were born that way. I doubt highly they woke up one morning and said, "chile, i think imma start sexin men cause it's good look". Face it, it's like a white person waking up and deciding to be black. Why would they put themselves through that level of persecution and torment? They wouldn't.
Anyhoo, I digress...I happen to have an extremely close and dear friend who is a male-to-female transsexual. She's one of the most admirable people I know because she chose to be true to herself and be the person she always felt she was. Ironically, my friend was once married; in the military (a pilot to boot); and has a child, but still always knew that something wasn't right within herself. Naturally, we had a lengthy discussion about hiding her true sexual feelings and identity and she told me that society refuses to accept that there are deviations in ones DNA or predispostion to all things sexual. She grew up in the mid 30's so coming out was very difficult much less telling your family that you'd rather be the opposing gender. Fortunately, my friend had a supportive wife while he was married who afforded a divorce and allowed my friend to pursue her life as a woman; they remain very good friends to this day and their daughter is well adjusted, very smart, and currently pursuing her Ph.D.
I've said all this to say, that yes, for the most part we all digress to The Bible for guidance and in many ways to demean and offend those who don't quite fit in to mainstream society. I think we should in many ways leave religion and/or religious doctrines out of this discussion. I truly do think that sexual orientation/identity is something that we're born with and for many it's something that is not like the majority. I know I'm going to probably raise all kind of moral backlash for my thoughts, but ask me if I care; this is MY house and I can say what I want and think.
Again, I digress...I have friends of all races, religions, and sexual preference and I accept them for whom they are. I do not think disallowing a transsexual or transgendered person to participate in a contest is fair. We need to see beyond what's considered socially acceptable and simply learn tolerance. No, you don't have to like it, but you should at least accept and respect the person. Ms. James who sits two offices from yours could be a call girl by night even though she rocks her Jones New York to the office by day. Mr. Smith could be wearing women's underwear to work under his Brooks Brother's suit. My point is that we don't know what the inner workings of anyone's psyche is and we can't jump on our moral pedastals because someone doesn't prescribe to the same makeup as us.
Not one of us is perfect or exempt from saying anything, doing anything, or dressing in a way that deviates from what's considered acceptable. We've got men screwing men on the down low, priests molesting little boys, pedophiles in the neighborhood and we're worring about a transsexual; gimme a gotdamn break. I've got tattooes, had a child out of wedlock, am black, have dated out of my race, yada, yada; so does that make me disposable because I've allegedly violated some societal rule? I think not, so I think it's enough with the trash talk over a transsexual potential model. There was an openly lesbian model competing some time ago and I don't think it raised too much hoopla, so neither should this. Personally, I think the haters are just mad cause she actually is rather attractive. I also think the men are mad cause they might find themselves caught out there is they ran up on her.
Okay, I'm done people!