30 June 2009

Endorphins, heartbeat highs, and other things that make you moist or swoon

I spoke with Achilles Heel today! That in and of itself gives me the butterflies worse than anticipating your first kiss. He’d been on my mind the past few days and I refused to call. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was enjoying the feeling that thinking of him gave me. He’s been in my prayers; prayer’s for his safety; his health; his stability (emotional, mental, and physical; the development of our continued friendship and a few other things that would resort in over sharing…lol!

He called this morning and I missed the call for having the phone on my bed while I was in the bathroom; music blasting. When it was time for me to leave the house, I picked up the phone and didn’t realize he’d not only called, but left a message. Upon noticing the missed call, I promptly called back.

Me: - Sorry, I didn’t realize til now that you called (cheesing hard)

A.H – Yea right! You just didn’t want to talk to me…I see how it is.

Me: - C’mon now, that’s not the case; never the case.(fawning)

A.H: - Uh, huh. (grinning…could hear it in his voice)

Me: - Did you get the package?

A.H: - Yea. Thanks…so that means you didn’t listen to my voicemail?

Me: - No. I saw the missed call and just called back…I’ll listen to it later.

A.H: - Okay.

Me: - Anyway, how are you?

And then we went into what we’ve been up to etc since we last spoke and I’m grinning like the Spelling Bee Champion and feeling like I was injected with anything and everything that could make me high. The conversation didn’t last too long as he had to get back to work, but said he’d call later. I then listened to the 50 second voice message he left and felt a warmth rush over me as I eargasmed and paused when he said, “wow” over the letter I’d sent.

Call #2 was a review of the letter I’d sent along with a CD containing a collection of songs that I thought he’d like. I asked about his reaction to the letter and why it was “wow!” He read the letter back to me and punctuated certain parts of it with where the “wows!” fit in. I was elated. We talked about this and that and that and this and the easy conversation that exists between us married our words into verbal bliss and I was completely satiated.

Unfortunately, duty called and he had to end the conversation, but I’m sure he’ll call back before days end. While at lunch, I was overcome with this amazing rush that erupted within me and all I could do was smile. My heart was and still is very content; he does that to me. He gets me; he feels me; my energy. He’s the balance to my scale; the north in my compass; the ray of sunshine in my otherwise gloomy day; the one person in this world (outside of Lil Lady) that moves me and brings me joy beyond measure. I heart him undeniably; unequivocally to the point of craziness looking sane. Yea, he’s got and does that thang!

Love to live; live to love!

25 June 2009

Things that make upset in the community

...the continued fad of saggin pants
...proceating with known dead beat dads
...having expensive and tricked out cars while living in the hood or with yo mama
...how folk be tawkin like dey don't know no bedda
...showing up at your childs school looking a triple hot mess
...having money to get your hair and nails did, but fuss that baby doesn't have any milk/pampers
...spending more money on material things (bling, cars, clothes etc.,) and not on things that promote wealth (education, stability, upward mobility etc.,)
...keeping up with your vehicles scheduled maintenance and not on your health
...blaming your obesity on being big-boneded
...putting Tims, Jordans, or other expensive shoes on a baby that can't walk
...doing nothing to uplift your community, but complain that the other folk have this or that
...women who dress scantily clad and gyrate to mysogonistic lyrics and then complain about being stepped to some kind of way
...teaching our children to be grown and then fuss them out for "acting grown"
...knowing lyrics to all the horrible songs out there, but not know the schoolwork
...being able to do the latest dance, but can't pass a fitness test
...speaking Ebonics and such is NOT proper English
Love to live; live to love!

24 June 2009


I was at a party this past weekend and was so ready to serve up a smorgasbord of the above picture to the women in the house. Why? Because there was no need for all the visual hateration I was getting. I give props to all the full-figured women who sported their mini dresses, low cleavage tops, and very tight pants for their confidence. Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it they say.

Now, I'm 5' 7" barefoot. I wear 3-4 inch heels almost daily and 5 when I'm really feeling it. I weight between 145-150, have a 29 inch waist, and am considered fit by all health standards. I can comfortably fit clothes in single digits from the Juniors department and am damn sure proud of being able to maintain my body at almost 42 years old.

I don't make a habit of coming off as "all that" because I'm not "all that" as beauty is subjective, but let's just say, I; for the most part am not lacking for attention. I walk with an air of confidence because I am confident in myself, but am far from arrogant or conceited. Anyway, while at this party, the women looked at me like they wanted to throw me off the boat. Why? That's yet to be determined, but let's say it's safe to assume that my outfit was commanding all kinds of attention from both the men and women. I chose it because I was comfortable in it and also because I knew it would be hot on the boat. I didn't wear it because I was seeking attention as the haters might think.

My point of this is that I'm sick and tired of women giving me the side eye or mean mugging me because they think I think I'm all that. I also am sick of being visually criticized because I'm wearing something they wish they could have. Now, as I said before, if the full-figured women can sport their (sometimes inappropriate) outfits, then why can't I? I'm not going to start wearing a Burkha because someone is jealous or envious of me, my clothes, or my figure.

So, here's what I looked like...

Love to live; live to love!

19 June 2009

Not your garden variety P.M.S

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with My Girl where we were discussing the heinous crime that exacts itself upon us roughly every 28 days. We fussed and complained, but then decided that we must accept it as a part of our nature and instead of cursing it, just let it be. We figured if we breathed negative energy into it, the worse it would feel month after month. Now, for me, my "monthly contribution" is short-lived; however, still rather discomforting and something I wish would just stop. I'm going through chemically induced menopause as a result of the medicine I take, but I'm still menstruating, so the conflicts my body goes through is nuts, but hey, that's why they created meds to control the Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder-PMDD that I'm going through.

Anyway, I didn't bring you here to tell you about my bodily functions...I digress...here's what I really wanted to talk about.

So, My Girl and I continued to talk and we start talking about men, relationships and life. We discussed how we could flip P.M.S and make it something positive; something that we could center on and use effectually in our lives. We came up with Pure Mental Serenity...Our P.M.S. We agreed that there are so many things in life to be celebrated than to stress over a temporary; albiet an annoying factor in our lives. Together we spoke of how far we've come as women and how much we've overcome in order to be solid and whole women. We celebrate each other's ups and nurture each other through the downs and still find joy in the experience no matter what.

P.M.S is achieveable people if you want it bad enough. P.M.S can be retrieved by simply being still for a moment and releasing the pressure valve holding you mentally hostage; job/children/spouse/money or whatever stress. There are things that are within our power to handle and control and there are plenty that are not and it's at those times you pray, you have faith, and you hold the knot in that rope a little tighter. You give the problems over to your Higher Power and "accept the things you can not change". Your P.M.S will kick in and you will find that which will sustain you. And if per chance you're unable to having that P.M.S moment and need to let it all out; then have at it. Cry; kick; scream; take that drive, or whatever it is that provides comfort and you'll find the P.M.S will be right there with you as you've released the negative into the universe and made room for the positive to unfold in and around you.

My Girl and I have accepted this into our beings. We give and receive it as we continue to inspire, nurture, and encourage each other. God was very much in the midst of that conversation on that special day. He governed our thoughts and our speech enough to bring tears to our respective eyes as we realized the power, wealth, and magnitude of the conversation we were having. There is no greater joy than that!

We are all special creations of God's awesome love and wonder. We must accept that His way is not our way and that the trials we go through aren't because he loves us not, but instead because he loved us enough to die for us. He gave us a clean slate to work with and somehow we sullied it by sidestepping Him. When we attach negative labelings to so many things, it's no wonder why we feel so heavy-ladened instead of joyous. Having P.M.S can avert the negative formations in your life if you allow it to. What do you have to lose? I say, give it a try; open your heart and mind to a new version of P.M.S; you're gonna thank me for it.

Love to live; live to love!

18 June 2009

what i know for sure...

...hurt people; hurt people

...without communication there is NO honest/open/effectual dialog

...another CAN NOT make you whole; you gotta get there by yourself

...if you don't love yourself, you can't effectively love another

...stop believing in the fairy tale; not every relationship has a happy ending; create your own

...sex as a foundation for a relationship is like building a house on sand

...honor your gut feelings/intuition and stick by deal breakers

...know and adhere to your tolerance factor; stop making excuses for others behaviour

...compromising on some things is okay, but settling is not

...not only hear, but listen to what people are telling you; there's a valuable lesson in doing both

...accepting that which you know is wrong or unhealthy for you; sets the tone for how you're treated

...honor your mind AND body

...physical satisfaction is great, but temporary; total (mind/body/soul) satisfaction lasts longer

...loving someone and liking them are two different things; know the difference

...sex and intimacy are not one in the same; neither is sensuality and sexuality

...being single is NOT a bad thing

...being with someone just to say you are IS a bad thing

...carry yourself in the fashion you want to be treated and you will be treated accordingly

...watch both what people say and do; they're telling you something all the time

...if you allow yourself to be mistreated, you can't blame anyone else for it

...if he's not already taking care of the kids he has, do NOT have a child with him

...infidelity is not cool, but if you're gonna cheat BOTH parties need to use protection

...what goes on behind closed doors; stays behind closed doors

...if you chose to share your personal/private/intimate business, ensure the person you're sharing with is ABSOLUTELY and UNEQUIVACABLY trustworthy and you have dirt on them too (lol)

...respect and trust are earned and not to be treated or taken lightly

...playing the game and not knowing the rules or your position is not a good look

...confidence, maturity, and self-awareness is sexy

...bragging don't make it the truth; self-praise is not flattery

And those are my gems of wisdom for the day.

love to live; live to love

15 June 2009

exceedingly; abundantly good

So, my life exceedingly abundantly good! Why? Because two years ago (June 27th to be exact), I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I endured biopsies, tests upon tests, major surgeries; and am now a two year survivor. I'm an even greater health advocate than I was prior to my diagnosis; feel infinitely blessed for having maintained a strong and positive disposition through it all; and know that withouth God's influence and my support system, it wouldn't have been easy.

God who continues to love me, guide me, and provide me with all the things I need.

I have the most amazing daughter! She is absolutely beautiful inside and out; has maintained being on the High Honor Roll for this; how her Junior year (completed), is a Varsity Scholar, and is in the National Honor Society. She's an only; only (neither her father nor I have other children) and although she pretty much gets what she wants; she's not a brat. We have and open and honest relationship where she share just about everything. She's not just my daughter; she's my best friend and damn, if the Lord didn't bless me above measure with her.

I have the most amazing church family. Big shout out to the Macendonia Baptist Church. It's a small; but intimate congregation where there is no pretense; none of that other drama that comes with black churches. We all get along; look out for each other; and share the Word. My faith and spirituality has grown exponentially in the few months I've been there and I truly feel like it's home.

I'm going through an amazing growth with an old friend. We've been friends for 14 years and right now this is the closest we've ever been. Even though our falling out broke my heart; forgiveness has closed the gap and we're in a better place than ever before. We live in a society where everything is disposable and people lack the will to fight, but this friendship means the world to both of us and we're equally happy to have gotten back in the ring to fight for it.

Mentors/Role Models...wow! I don't even know how to begin this one. My Girl; you know who you are. The talks, the laughs, and the amazing bond that we share. You're truly wonderful and you're priceless. My minister/surrogate mother; you're so awesome. You encourage, guide, inspire, and support me in so many ways. You've been such a rock in my foundation for the past couple of years and you continue to help me be the best woman I can be. Rosemarie, even though we've never met, you inspire me immensely. My male BFF My Boy; you are the bestest a girl could ask for. We fight; we play; and we're R.o.D's (Ride or Die). To those of you I haven't named, please don't think I've forgotten you cause I haven't. I guess I'm gonna have to do another post dedicated to those who are pillars in my structure.

For life and all that comes with being a part of it. I refuse to let cloudy day ruin my sunny disposition. I may not have much, but I have enough and have what I need. Being positive and remaining steadfast in my convictions and having faith that is unwavering is the best security blanket ever. I walk by faith and not by sight and pray with conviction and intention. I live my life to the fullest and accept the rains that come as cleansing tools to wash away the negative and make way for even more positivity. I go hard with all I do and strive to be the best I can be always; in all ways.

love to live; live to love!

11 June 2009

a quickie

Now, before you get all exicted; this isn't a TMI post; it's just a quick note to say I haven't forgotten about you or blogging. I've allowed myself to slip off the radar and I do need to get my mojo back, so I'm gonna do my best to be better about my post; it's not like I don't have a bunch of stuff to talk about anyway.

Blessings to all and stay up good people.

Love to live; live to love!

04 June 2009

it's in his/her kiss

If anyone had heard the conversation Lil Lady and I were having the other day, they would not have thought a 17 y/o would have been conversing with her mother; but we're cool like that and talk about anything. So, what were we talking about? Kissing!

I've had a long-standing philosophy that if you can't kiss, you can't f*ck! It's something I determined in my late teens after I'd broken up with my high school boyfriend, whom while an arse hole, was in fact a great kisser and good lover. He was the only man I'd known and having been with him for two years (16-18), I'd learned a fair amount about sex and intimacy.

During my freshman year of college, I had a crush on a basketball player. He was tall, cute, nice body; all the things a young woman wants in a man, but when it came to kissing, he was awful. I felt like an algae fish was on my face. I got no sparks; nada, zilch, zip, zero. I figured it was a fluke as we were both a little nervous, so I let it slide. The next time I kissed him, it was an immediate replication of the first and I decided that he would not be a suitable match for me. I promptly ended my interest in him. I reconciled myself to not dating and keeping books and my frequent trips to NYC as my priority. Some time later, a young lady expressed an interest in said baller and asked if I was still seeing him. I told her no and she asked why. I cited that we were incompatible and left it at that. She pressed for details, inquiring if he was a jerk, insensitive, etc. Wanting to spare sullying his name, I tried to maintain a generic reason, but she again pressed, so I told her he couldn't kiss. She seemed stunned that that would be a reason and I told her my philosophy and one that has been confirmed by myself and others to be true. I told her she was willing to do whatever she wanted with my information; save for telling him my actual reason (which he never knew).

She began dating him and that ended maybe a couple of months after we'd spoken. I wasn't aware it was over when I inquired and she immediately told me that I was right. Duh? Really? Of course I didn't say that to her, but you know I thought it. She said, his kisses were wet and sloppy and his sex was equally awkward and messy. She'd gone as far as to inquire (casually) about his skills with a couple of other girls (he was an upperclassman) and they likewise said he wasn't "all that" or a "disappointment". She told me that she now wishes she'd listened to me and would add my philosophy to her repetoire of deal breakers when seeking a relationship.

Okay, story told for history. Now to my point...

It really is in how a man kisses that you know whether or not you want to go any futher. His kiss will tell you many things and if you can see past worrying about his hurt feelings for you prematurely ending your interest in him, you'll agree that he probably would have been lousy in bed. I've shared my view with my boys and other males that I know and they, too are in compliance. Kissing is the gateway to sex and intimacy. In fact, kissing is the greatest form of intimacy; hence, why prostitutes do not kiss on the mouth. Did you think they didn't do it for no reason?

Now, think back to some bad kisses in your day and you'd slept with any of them, was the sex bad? You don't need to name names; we respect the privacy of others and will protect the orally challenged. *lol*

All jokes aside though, if my 17 y/o who's kissed two boys in her entire precious life knows this, then there is something to be learned here. Please don't think you can 'train' someone how to kiss as you're only going to get frustrated and ultimately lead them to thinking they're actually able to be a match for you. Remember two good people aren't always good together. Chemistry is a powerful tool and something that can not be manufactured. Imagine being in the height of sexual emotion and arousal and whom you're with kisses you and it's all sloppy and ish and it skunks your entire groove? That would be like someone bumping the turntable and the vinyl skipping. That's a bad look as the whole party is now shut down.

I've been fortunate to respond quickly and efficiently to ending kisses that aren't favorable and as previously stated, found a way to end the progression of the relationship before I had the misfortune of having my sexual experience turn into a disaster. I think of one person in particular who's got kissing on lock and damn if he didn't ever prove his worth in that kiss. I promptly and well-deservingly assigned 'Kiss of Life' as his theme song because that kiss was truly like my kiss of life. To date he's managed to maintain his Hall of Fame status and that's one hell of an achievement on his part.

So, my PSA and lesson learned for the day is...Kiss and tell...tell him/her that there are incompatibilties that will not aspire to a good progression of the relationship if that's the direction you're heading in. It's better to be honest and roll out than to stick it out and settle for less than stellar intimacy; that's just not a good thing. However, if kissing ain't your thing, then you go ahead and do you in however you see fit; cause I'm not one to knock what is acceptable to another. Just don't bring that sloppy ish my way!!!!

Love to live; live to love!

03 June 2009

Suicide is not an option!

In light of the many negative experiences I’ve had, it’s anyone’s guess how I managed to survive without the use of drugs, alcohol, or being promiscuous, but I’m happy to say I have. From sexual, physical, and emotional abuse to the endurance toxic relationships and self-inflicted cutting, I’ve looked back on my life with awe. I recall so many times when I wondered, “how the heck am I going to make it through this?”, but somehow I did. And although I had a sometimes contentious relationship with religion, I always understood The Word and how important faith and prayer was. Even in my darkest hours, my spirituality and faith guided me and it was that blind walk that led me through. As it’s said, “walk by faith and not by sight”.

When I made the revelation that I used to cut myself, those that I told thought I was somehow trying to kill myself; that was not the case. I was instead trying to kill the pain I felt and the conflicted feelings, which often ran through my veins with a hold worse than heroin. I’ve finally healed that issue in my life and it’s been close to 5 years (I think...I stopped counting) since I last cut myself. Even better than that, I don’t even have the desire to digress as I refuse to allow anything or anyone to stress me that badly. I’m blessed to have a really good foundation of support to rest on when my own footing is weak.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize and recognize that suicide in any form is not an option. We all find ways to ‘kill’ ourselves and it must stop. We must find ways to reduce and eliminate pain in our lives. We must find a spiritual place to release ourselves and find the strength to go on and endure. We must get out of relationships platonic or intimate that bring no real joy or substance to our lives; stop holding onto people that simply aren’t worthy of you, your love, or your time. Although this economy doesn’t afford many to find alternative employment, so if you have to remain in a position you don’t like, find a way to make it work for you instead of you for it. There is no encore for life; this is it so adhere to the following:

Birth Certificates show that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

How many pictures do you have?

This prayer was in my Daily Devotional today…

God of abundance, thank you for your grace. How great are all the blessings that fill our lives! Amen.

I find it completely appropriate for not only this post, but for life as a whole. And when you need a spiritual boost; this song will give you some support, joy, and guidance.

Can't Give Up Now - Mary Mary

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn’t fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

[Hook:]No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me (so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Love to live; live to love!