31 August 2009

A sad day!

For those of you who've been blogging for some time may know Nikki Harris aka Nikki Indigo or the Iniquitous One. She was a powerful, entertaining, and extremely honest writer. For the past few years, she was one of my favourite blogs to read and I was inspired by her in many ways. From her candor to her sensitivity, she left an indelible mark on the lives she touched.

It's with a heavy and saddened heart to say, R.I.P Nikki. My life has been blessed with your gifts and may heaven know it is so very blessed to have you in their midst. Her suffering is now over and her place in the eternal is secure.

Her passing flashed a neon light that life is fragile; it is precious; and it needs to be lived fully. We need to act with purpose and intent on a foundation of love. She was only 37 years old and too young for her passing, so from this I must live. I must take her memory and use it to celebrate this life; to love a little harder; to walk a little sturdier, a celebrate each day for we surely do not know when our last will be.

Prayers to the Harris family and may God bless and keep you all.

Love to live; Live to love

27 August 2009

a lil something that came to me

When you pour your love inside my cup
I feel my well spring rise and swell
As it’s satiated from its desert state
And you’re no longer just an oasis
But the embodiment of natures wonder personified.

© Blujewel 2009

love to live; live to love!

24 August 2009

On loving ourselves

The following was borne of something I wrote to a friend. Some parts have been removed as it was directed toward her; however the story could relate to any one of us.

Your own dysfunctional relationship with your mother made it subconsciously easy for you to overcompensate for her shortcomings by being 1) an excellent mother yourself and 2) your desire to mother others and shelter them from harm. This ideology is in fact quite harmful as it subjects you both to a relationship that is ill-balanced and it compensates one dysfunction for another.

"We create a space for healing when we exercise the courage to look at how our own anger and resentment make us withhold love and behave badly".p134

Although he can say he loves you, his actions are not affirmations of said love. He fails to see that fueling power of his emotions is anger based and while he is actually capable of giving love; there's a fine line between his anger and his love. His verbal love is short lived when something disrupts his perceived comfort zone. And the fact that his life has been centered around you; with little or no personal/social outlets that his for/about him, it makes it even easier for angry outbursts to occur. The role of alcohol in his life will also fuel the pre-existing fire that resides within.

"It's easy to fall into the trap of depending on others for the love, understanding, and admiration we all crave, rather than creating them in our relationship with ourself, and brining the joy in self-fulfillment to our partnerships. When joy is missing in our life, it's missing in our relationships, in our homes, and communities".p135

It's on this premise that he resides. He seeks what he lacks within himself in and from you. He puts you on a pedestal and showers you with what he is should be giving to himself. His lack of self love and trust gets over compensated in the relationship and when you demonstrate your independence; it disrupts his world, and because he thought that you should return in kind; is now compromised. He feels that because he has made you his personal trophy that you should likewise to do the same. This is a classic mode of operation for a hurt soul.

"Even when parents and partners do terrible things, they are just trying in unskillful ways to make their lives work". P135

And it's in this vein that he must seek to improve his life/circumstances or he will always be in a perpetual state of discourse and cause said discourse in the lives of those they claim to love.

"Not every couple that gets together is meant to stay together. When you're not where God wants you to be, life shakes you up so you'll move to a better place". P135

It's at that point of discovery when the leaving party must assess themselves to see what, when, why, and how there are finding themselves in relationships that follow a repeated or repeatable negative pattern. This tends to be a hard concept to many to accept that fact/knowledge even when we know without a shadow of doubt it's true. We still strive to find some shred of evidence that says we should find a way to keep this person in our life. While this is a noble concept; it's still a self-deluding one. When we refuse to let someone go, we're not only holding ourself back, we're holding the other back too because we're putting a road block in an essential growth element in both parties development. . "Growth mean change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown" The Shack To many are afraid of the unknown to venture out; however without this risk, there will be little or no room for growth and the opportunity for change is greatly reduced; thus, leaving you in the same crippled mind frame.

For love; real love of self before another to manifest, a thorough cleansing and healing must occur. "broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them."
The Shack

Relationships; good or bad are an intricate part of the journey we take in life and for many; we all seek to love and be loved; however, when we lack the proper tools to do so, we fail miserably. We all imagine ourselves to be whole and able; however, it's what we do and not always what we say that tells the real story.

"We may be masterful at deceiving ourselves, but in all intimate interaction the unresolved feeling and fears we may have buried will surface".p137

A spiritual relationship must become an intrinsic part of one's journey to true awareness and wholeness. The Divine created us; it's at the core of us and it's through that relationship that we will have a real idea and connection to what real love is. We have to trust in Divine Love in order to establish Loves Divine. Reaching deep within and offering oneself to the source of love establishes faith and trust in The One who'll always be there to guide our path.

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading" The Shack

"For something to move from death to life, you must introduce something living and moving into the mix". The Shack

If this sacred interference does not occur, all past hurts (death) will always have more power/control over any living relationship and the love will never truly be love at all. The emotional demons must be excised from the recesses of our emotional core in order for the wellspring of love to thrive as a living entity.

"We're operating with negative feelings brought from another time and place, associated with a whole separate set of issues. We can't create anything good with leftovers from the past". P140

It's important to go back and address the issues of the past as it's the only way to prevent history from repeating itself; however, once that journey has been made, the past must be left very much in the past. The present is an extremely sacred and palatial place and can only be well-lived when the past's portal is closed. Progressive move to the present has to be self-lived. No one can make it happen for anyone else. Each person has to want his/her own loving environment and know not only how to create it, but to sustain it. Without the ability to love who we are, there is truly no way to love another. No one is responsible for our well-being but us.

"When we're sweet on ourselves; we're sweet on others. From an unhappy place, nothing satisfies. From a happy place, common sense prevails. We see clearly that we were born to love, not judge, and that it's not our job to fix anyone but ourselves". P140

NOTE: All page number references come from the book, All About Love, by Susan L. Taylor. The remaining references were taken from The Shack.

Love to live; live to love!

12 August 2009

A what I know for sure moment...

The expression, "when someone shows you who they are, pay attention" reigns supreme in how I decide your role in my life. As I've previously said, I take friendships seriously and am fully committed to their maintenance and sustainment once entered into. What I will not do is make excuses for ones behaviour and allow said person to run a mock in my life with words that have no supporting action.

I allowed, what I thought would be a fun and engaging friendship to form in my life, which to its credit did start out on good footing; however, over time it's become something that fails to resemble a friendship at all. I do understand the complexities of platonic vs. intimate relationships when it involves the opposite sex, but with careful, open, honest, and real communication, a balance can be established; however in this instance it did not.

I established from day one that I was not ready for an intimate relationship and that I wanted to chill and hang out. No, I'm not talking about Friends with Benefits (FWBs), just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company. He said, he was cool with that and was able to chill with me on equal ground...JUST FRIENDS! Suffice it to say, he caught feelings and an abrupt left turn in Albuquerque promptly followed.

Given that I actually gave a damn about him and our newly formed friendship, I called to inquire about his sudden change of behaviour and lack of communication. We discussed it and I suggested that he take whatever time out he needed, but effective communication still needed to be a place holder as NO relationship can be sustained without it. He agreed!

Weeks past and then months, and I found myself the recipient of his talk, with no action. This is a no-no in my books and borders on being a deal breaker. I have no time for settling because it appeases someone's hypersensitivity as its taxing and toxic. I once again, expressed my concerns over his behaviour and lack of actions and was given this long; drawn out explanation, which quite frankly sounded like sugar-coated shit disguised as candy. I'd had enough!

He picked the wrong time of year and the wrong woman to think that syrupy sounding words, frosted with whipped bullshit, and sprinkles of "but I love you and miss you" that sound more like profanity instead of words of affection would actually woo me. There is nothing worse than hearing those words knowing that they're empty, defiled and being used as a magnet to draw me back in. Sorry, I'm 1) not that pressed for affection, 2) easily swayed by words that are just words, and 3) in need of a friendship that really isn't a friendship at all.

I've come to the conclusion that he showed me pretty early on who he was and initially he was genuine; and in fact may very well still be; however, just because he's a good person; doesn't make him good for me. Our friendship was ill-matched and laden with things that would escalate from one deal breaker to another. What I know for sure is that no amount of honesty on my part could have prepared me for the position I ended up putting myself in when I realized that his feelings were manifesting. In spite of trying to maintain communication, it's obvious he's not used to the kind of woman I am and doesn't see how important communication is in any and all relationships.

One last thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to settle for someone/thing that doesn't bode well in my life. Nostalgia has no place in what it really means to have a functional friendship. Red flags are not to be ignored. If the issue can be mitigated; then I'm all for it and am willing to forge on; however, when the flag continues to fly high, it's time to walk away....And so it is and so shall it be!

Love to live; live to love!

11 August 2009

I'm really not that popular!

I take friendships very seriously and don't appoint the title easily to people. While it's pretty much a generic term when referring to people we know; there is a depth and growth that makes one a true friend. I have a small and close-knit circle and we're fiercely loyal and are ride or die. We fight; we laugh; we love; we call each other out; but there is no doubt that we mean the world to each other.

But I didn't bring you here to tell you that (stole that phrase from Terry)

I was looking at my "Friends" List on Facebook and saw that I have 215 friend...Really? I think not. I may know 215 people, but to call them all friends just ain't happening. I've never been one who strived to be the center of attention, enjoy the limelight, or think that I'm better than someone else because of how many people I know. I take quality over quantity any day.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be offensive to anyone on my Friends List and I'm certainly not taking my acquaintences for granted because for most part; each person has played a role in my life in some capacity. All I'm saying is that I do not use Facebook or any other social networking tool as a measure of my popularity or as a means to pry into the lives of others. For me, it's a communicative device to make quick and easy contact with people; to network; or interact in some way. I'm amused at the people who use tools like Facebook, MySpace, or one of the other tools to be Head of the Class and I'm even more amused as those who get offended over whether or not their in someone's Top List. Wow! Talk about delusions of granduer, arrognace, or conceit.

Anyway, I've said all that to say, that I'm quite content blogging for myself; however, I do appreciate those who come by and read my rantings. I'm happy for those I'm in contact with through Facebook, but note that none of what I do is for popularity.

Thanks for reading...have a blessed day...love to live; live to love!

06 August 2009

Gateways, portals, and other life exits/entrances!

I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "when one door closes; another one opens", but how many truly believe that? How many look for; or see that there is a blessing with the closing of one door and the anticipation of waiting for another to open? Honestly, I don't think many of us do. Many get immediately dispondent and think that the world as we know is going to come to an end.

It's a known fact, that God does not give us more than He knows we can handle and if we don't handle it, it's not His fault, but ours for having little faith in His word, comfort, and direction. In the many trials I've been through in my life, the one thing I never did was cry the blues or think "woe, is me". While I might not have been able to understand the trial as I was going through it, I never gave up on my faith that I'd come out on top; or at least through to the other side.

In the recent months, I've been the recipient of prayers answered and I realized it was because I allowed doors to both open and close. I realized that I must reconcile with things and people in order to complete the cirlcle and be the receiver of the blessing yet to be shown. There were doors that seemed like they'd be impossible to close and/or walk through; however, I did by remaining prayerful and faithful.

In a world where it's so easy to quit, blame others, or hide behind what seems comfortable, I know I can not be that person. I won't be ostrich like and bury my head in the sand, while claiming that the events in my life are a series of unfortunate acts. Every experience is a good experience as far as I'm concerned because all good is nothing without having the bad to appreciate it.

In a recent turn of events in my life, I rested on my gut instinct that what I was going through was in fact a blessing in disguise. In spite of the shock, I trusted that I would be okay and that I would be victorious. I allowed the door to close, took time to clear and ease my mind, body, and spirit, and now am reaady to walk through the opening door and receive all that is to come to me. The door wthat will now open for me will be filled with even more reward than I'd gotten previously and I'll be in a position to be and do more with myself and my life. So, to those who thought their way was better than His way, well, know that you can't box with God and His armour of protection remains steadfast around those who trust and believe in Him and His word. I give thanks and praise to my Heavenly Father for instilling His grace, mercy, and favor upon me.

With each day, I grow stronger in so many ways and I do not take anything for granted. As I prepare for my 41st year to end, I look back with happiness and gratitude for the doors that closed and those that opened for me. In review, I know that each one was a intrical part of continuing my growth. Over the course of the next 37 days, I will walk in and out of a few more doors and on the 38th day, I'll welcome in my new year; and will walk through that door with pride that I've made it one more year.

Love to live; live to love!

05 August 2009

A tagged confession, Parts 1 &2

I was tagged by QueenBee for the Blame Tara Meme

Part 1

Who is the hottest movie star?
Well, Denzel Washington immediately comes to mind, so I'll have to go with that. He's sexy, talented, versatile and he could be my leading man any day; any time.

Apart from your house/car, what is the most expensive thing you've ever bought?
I bought myself a huge sapphire and diamond ring for my 3oth birthday

What is your most treasured memory?
The day I met Achilles Heel

What is the best gift you ever received?
A plane ticket to Jamaica

What is the biggest mistake you ever made?
Not pressing charges

Four words that describe you?
Free-spirited, honest, faithful, loving

What is the highlight and lowlight of 2008?
Highlight - taking a leap of faith
Lowlight - unncessary drama

Favourite film?
Oh dear! I don't think I can limit that...pass!

Tell me one thing I don't know about you?
I clean my nails while I'm driving

If you were a comic book character, who would you be?
Wonder Woman, but The Hulk runs almost neck and neck

Part 2...Talking About Love
Pick your artist: Maxwell

Are you male or female - This Woman's Work

Describe yourself - Fortunate

How do you feel - Changed

Describe where you currently live - Urban Hang Suite

If you could go anywhere, where would you go - For Lover's Only

Your favourite form of transportation - Ascension

Your best friend is - Noone

Your favourite color is -Black

What's the weather like - Cold

Favourite time of the day - Eachhoureachsecondeachminute

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called - Sumtin Sumthin

What is your life to you - Gettin to now Ya

Your relationships - Reunion

Your fear - Symptom Unknown

What is the best advice you have to give - Help Somebody

If you could change your name, what would it be - Pretty Wings

Thought of the day - Now/At the party

How would I like to die - Silently

My souls present condition - Everwanting: to wanting to want

My motto - Loveyou

Who I'm tagging...
Her Side,