26 May 2010

Jewel drops

My sexual needs are much greater than I ever imagined they'd be

I prefer pedicures to manicures

I feel empowered by driving a manual transmission vehicle

I do not believe the hype

The best fashion trend to follow is your own

In truth the degrees of separation is less than 6

I have exhausted my divine patience and am wondering how long before my human patience kicks in

 (add on to previous) when it does, it sure isn't going to be pretty

I feel my sexiest when I'm wearing black

I look my prettiest when I'm smiling

I feel my strongest when defending someone I care about

I've learned that I know more than I thought I did

Things I used to think were off limits aren't and I enjoy them immensely

I am very much in touch with my masculine side

Silence is more damaging than the spoken word

I'd rather be confined to the madness of my own mind, than to be free in the madness around me

I am not nearly as social as people perceive me to be

The safest place I know is within my own heart/mind

Time may heal wounds, but love is a better bandage

I sometimes seek comfort in music before I would from a person

"Love is what I need to help me know my name" line from Love's Divine by Seal...Absolutely amazing line

There are few things sweeter than hearing someone say your name in the heat of passion

I have no idea what it's like to have a real/honest/true/consistent/loving relationship with my parents

I do; however, KNOW how to be a a real/honest/true/consistent/loving parent to my own child

I have conquered my own personal Mount Everest

Life IS good!

It's all possible!

25 May 2010

preferences, comfort zones, and other like miscellany

We all have an image of what we want in the opposite sex.  We like them in various sizes, colours, shapes, and things that make us tick, but how much of it really exists in the gran'd scheme of things?  So many of us have a Criteria List and that therein lies the problem.  No, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have one; in fact I think we should as we all have standards in which we live by.  what I am saying; however, is that we shouldn't let them be the absolute factor in whether or not someone is a good match for us.

My preference is a black man who's complexion is as dark as mine or darker.  I'd like him to be at least 5' 10" seeing as i wear 3+ inch heeled shoes almost all the time.  I'd like his weight to be between 170 - 210lbs depending on his height.  A college education is not a requirement, but I'd like him to have an ability to speak with clear articulation/enunciation.  I have an affinity for men in Law Enforcement or the military over civilians. I'd like him to be socially aware, possess the ability to take control and make decision, have good family values, be secure in his own skin, and self-sustaining and ambitious in terms of fulfilling his goals.  These are some, yet not all of the things I'd like in a man, but truth be told, my getting them all would be like me sitting in a lab to create him as he is for the most part a figment of my imagination.  Yes, I want these things, but actually getting them is something I'm actually afraid of.  Why?  Because then I have nothing to look forward to.  There would be no growth process between us in the ways that it counts.  When we get what we want, we tend to not fully appreciate it as we should and in the end we sometimes find ourselves now looking for flaws instead of the things we thought we wanted in the first place.

In my current 'relationship', he is almost the polar opposite of my criteria list.  He's white, he's 10 yrs my junior, he's talented; though does not use his talents to pursue his ambitions and he's certainly not a good decision maker.  While he meets the height requirement, he does not have the weight/brawn that i like, but he is strong.

The point I'm trying to make is that even with the likes/dislikes and the things that are/aren't on my Criteria List, he and I get along very well.  We engage in some amazing conversations, we share an unusual sense of humour, our time together is well balanced, and even when we disagree, it's done with decency.  Truth be told, I'm happy that he doesn't meet many of the items on my list.  I enjoy the differences we share and how we've been able to find a good meeting place in the middle.  i find his quirkiness rather endearing and most of all, I just like him for who he is. 

I once came across the words, "I love you just the way you are; now change". It was a startling reminder of what I went through with my ex husband and how it cause so much hurt/pain in my life as I myself working to live up to the phrase.  Every now and then it resonates in my life when I'm tempted to pull my Criteria List out and feel inclined to stack the chips against it and someone I like.  I recall that unrealistic expectation, that hurt, the inability to live by someone else's image of  whom I should be.  Even though I've never intentionally wanted to hold someone by a standard, I'm sure I have in some way and for that I apologize.  But what I do know is that I can and do fully appreciate not being confined to a comfort zone.  I do still have preferences, but do not let them prohibit me from getting to know someone who's not necessarily what I think I'm looking for.  Just as I want to be accepted for who I am, I must accept others for who they are and together we just might be everything we've ever wanted.

It's all possible!

24 May 2010

previous post stirred up some thangs!

It's bad enough Fantasia came out with that song Bittersweet, which made think of a certain someone, but in truth it did more than that.  What it did was take me for a stroll down memory lane where I recounted the many days and nights we shared.  There were some very long talks; there were some nights of passionate love making; there were some nights were we just held each other as if it was our last night together; and there were even some nights were I cursed his very existence.  In spite of it, he made and indelible mark on my life and I'm not sure there will be another like him, which is probably a good thing anyway; no one needs a replica of another person.

Our time together was life defining and an experience that at least afforded me some much needed life/love lessons on trust, endurance, faith, friendship; to name a few.  For a long time I wondered what my life would be without him in it and for a little while, I found out.  It was good for the learning curve and to force each of us to grow up in many ways.  We came back to each other as we always did; the boomerang effect, but never enough to form the commitment I used to think we should have. 

Time, distance, and honest growth has shown me that I'm okay with how things have turned out between us.  Finally letting go pf him, was the best way of holding on to me.   Truth be told, I have had a moment or two where I wanted to feel the intense draw of our chemistry; the trepidation of the kiss; and finally the passion of our love making, but that was then and this is now.  We had a good run and we're still friends, which for most isn't easy to maintain, but I'm good with where we are now.  We'll always be on the same street; just driving in different cars.

It's all possible!

23 May 2010

Current song I'm digging

This is not the official video for this song; Bittersweet by Fantasia; however, the song is too good to not share/post it.

When I heard the song, my heart involuntarily and spontaneously skipped a beat as I momentarily paused to the recall the one person who resembled the song.  It's crazy that even after all these years that he can even get that kind of reaction.  I don't hate him and I'm no longer in love with him, but he'll always be the one who gave love and loving such emphasis in my life.

I don't think of him with remorse or bitterness; in fact it's quite the opposite because in spite of how things didn't turn out between us, we shared a lot of good memories, time, and a bond that nothing can erase.  How many of you have had someone in your life that this song can relate to?

Every now and then
I still get a flashback
Of the time I spent
Thinking you could be that one
Should I have just kept your love?

Yes I understand,
We did have some good times
On the other hand,
Got my crying all night
It was too much for my mind

So even though I left you
I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Damn I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

'Cause when I think about you

It's bittersweet...

I still have the box
Full of things you gave me
Start to throw it out
Something always stops me, yeah
I'm not as over you as I said

Deep inside my heart
I made the right decision
But it's gonna hurt
When you might less think it
Did I make a big mistake?

Even though I left you

I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

'Cause when I think about you

It's bittersweet...

See I don't understand
Like, somebody is gonna get hurt
Out of this situation
And you just hope it's not you

At times...

Part of me wants you, part of me don't
Part of me is missing you, part of me is gone
Part of me is saying that the love is still strong,
Part of me is letting go

So even though I left you
I can't forget you
'Cause when I think about you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet
Guess I'll always love you
It's bittersweet, it's bittersweet

When we were together
You ain't treat me right
Then I really love you
I ain't gonna lie

When I think about you, it's bittersweet

It's bittersweet....

18 May 2010

own worst enemies

I'm trying; well, not really, to understand why women become their own worst enemies.  I can't for the life of me figure out why women go to such great lengths to be in a relationship with someone who has said from the start that he's not looking for a relationship.  Does she think that once the sex is laid down or she does a few nice things for him that he's going to change his mind?  News flash....he's NOT going to. 

When engaging in a FwBs type relationship, the rules of engagement have to be establish at the onset and adhered to as things progress.  Both parties typically agree that while they may spend time, have sex, and partake in whatever social activities they've agree to, but the bottom line is that NO feelings get born of the status.  While I recognize that sometimes there are things that make one get a bit emotional, the rules of engagement still need to be respected and enforced.  Nothing good comes from trying to force a relationship where there isn't one.  In addition, the boundaries of social etiquette must be clearly established and maintained also.

Nothing is more pathetic than the woman in the FwB relationsihp tossing all the rules out the window and creating her own agenda, which sadly will only leave her in the deficit anyway.  Case in point, my brother was seeing Wendy (not her real name) and it was established from the start what it was between them.  Wendy appeared to be okay with it all; however, there was things she said and did that raised flags.  I cautioned my brother to be careful as I felt she was catching feelings and was using her "kindness" as her weapon to sway him into a permanent relationship.  Fortunately for bro, his sis is a wise woman and he's always receptive to my voice of reason.  I digress...Anyway, bro as an assortment of female friends; none of whom are all sexual partners and Wendy found herself a bit jealous of that.  She had not inquired if he was having sex with anyone other than him, so even if he was, she was still in no position to contest it; save for insisting protection be use at all times.  Well, Ms. Wendy takes her lack of being able to pin my bro down, her jealously, and her insecurity to the next level.  She set up spyware on the laptop she loaned him and kept a running record of his chats and such.  She also managed to get into his personal email when his account was up and he was out of the room.  Wendy took it upon herself to send emails of Instant Message (IM) conversations to other woman.

The woman who were recipients of the emails, contacted my bro and asked him about them; though realizing that it was odd and would be inappropriate by every stretch of the imagination that he would send them.  After bro received the information, he immediately realized what had happened and was promptly pissed. 

Now, what Wendy apparently didn't take into consideration was her antics would in no way make bro want to maintain any semblance of contact with or want to get back with her; and why would he anyway? Furthermore, she's contacting women she doesn't know and they could have very easily turned the tables on her.  Her actions wreaked of all the things that made women look stupid in a mans eye; mine too.

Back in December I had a situation of Krypto's ex girlfriend calling me, but she was wise to hang up before I answered.  Being the mature AND secure woman I am, I contacted Krypto and made it abundantly clear that he handle the situation as i don't do that kind of bullshit/drama and out of respect for his and my friendship I wouldn't contact her.  After he made my feelings known, you would think that she would respect my wishes and leave me alone right?  Oh, no! Ms. Thang decided she would txt me the following morning apologizing and trying to justify her actions.  Really?  So, it was bad enough that she violated her exes (Krypto) privacy and got my number out of his phone; then she called me; and now she's txtn me?  Now, that's a bold, but really dumb chic right there, because now she's put the ball back in my court and I was about to go game, set, and match on her ass. 

After I digested the txt and gave my spirit room for pause, I called her.  I told her; without having to raise my voice or letting Ebonica loose, that I was not the one to play with and that I was firm in my not wanting her to contact me in any way.  I went on to tell her that her insecurity was not my issue and that whatever issues she had she needed to work them out independent of me.  My friendship with Krypto was just that; a friendship and if she couldn't handle it, that wasn't my problem.  Once the warmth of my icy words were firmly delivered, I hung up and called him to let him know I was forwarding the txt to him and that I'd called his ex and voiced my extreme displeasure.  This is how a grown/mature/secure woman handles the futile attempts of an insecure woman.

Woman need to find their core worth, wealth, and value in and of themselves instead of using me to make them feel whole.  They need to stop with the game playing, the creation of relationships that don't exist, and most importantly contacting women whom they feel is a threat to them.  While in theory they may feel their actions are justified, they often quickly see how the practicality of it all is pretty sad and pathetic.  My final thought on the situation is as the adage goes, "if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". 

It's all possible!

17 May 2010

Ready, set....NOPE!!!

It's been five years since I was in a relationship and the time off has been quite an experience; good, bad, and whatever.  I've learned so much about myself, seen life through very different eyes, and finally came to a place of peace that I wasn't sure I'd get to; however, I did and boy am I happy I have.

Since the end of July 2008, I began dating; something I'd never done in my past.  Seeing that I was a serial monogamist and a 'late bloomer', the initial thought of seeing different people seemed a rather odd and lofty adventure on my part.  Given that I'm blessed to have some amazing friends in my life, they guided me through the process and I entered the very new world of dating and to my surprise; found that I actually enjoyed it.  I liked having options, the ability to venture into various activities that I may not have if I'd been in a monogamous relationship, and I just like having the liberty of just being free. 

While I'm liberal to some degree with sex, the thought of being sexual with multiple partners was out of the question.  The one I saw with the most frequency was the one I slept with, and kept things topical with the others.  Over time, I began weening as I refused to stay on the ride, when the momentum was gone and I didn't want to send mixed signals.

Ready....When I finally called it quits altogether and entered back into my single and celibate state.  In the process, I'd finally and completely gotten over Kyrpto, which was an emotional expenditure that had long since run its course.   The friendship with Heart's Desire had grown exponentially and I felt that's definitely where I wanted to be.  Truth be told, I'd fallen for him, which in and of itself was a celebration to pale July 4th as it had taken 14 1/2yrs to me to actually feel that way about anyone else; to include my ex husband.  I was willing to see where that could go until there was a left turn in Albuquerque and had to put that idea on the back burner.  It didn't end my feelings for him, but it did make me not regret my decision to be celibate again, which lasted almost four days shy of four months when I saw him again.  It was once again, another wonderful experience, another step in the direction of feeling that I was ready to be in a monogamous relationship.  Through him, I saw that part of me that In some ways, I'd missed in the five year relationship break I'd been on. 

Set...So, there it was, me single once again.  I decided it was best that I remain single and not date.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to ensure that my heart was in fact ready, and that I would be open and receptive to a potential relationship.

Nope...As if like cosmic amusement, I found myself in a completely unexpected and accidental FwB (Friends with Benefits) relationship.  Unlike one I'd entered into before, this one came very well equipped with all the friendship I needed to make put us in a non-balanced place.  Neither of us expected what had happened and neither of us regret the decision to continue as we still tried to figure out how we'd even gotten involved. 

He was given the moniker of The Accidental Playmate; The Playmate for short.  Neither of us are currently employed, so we have a lot of time to do things we might not have being employed.  We call the time we share together play dates, which in some cases are just that.  As I said, we don't always reduce our shared time to just sex.  We go out and about, we watch movies and discuss the plot; sometimes we just sit and talk, and he's been a great source of strength and comfort during this time with me settling my daughter's fathers estate.  The Playmate has brought a level of balance to my life at a time when I needed a friend; intimacy, and most of all NO STRESS/DRAMA.  We completely and totally respect each other and make no demands for anything the other isn't willing or able to give. 

For a while, I was completely sure that I was Ready and Set for emotional permanence, but it's pretty obvious that I'm not and you know what?  I'm very much okay with that!

It's all possible!

08 May 2010

on being bi-cultured!

Since I can remember, I've enjoyed being English by birth and Jamaican by blood. I've enjoyed being able to slip between speaking standard English and Patois (Jamaican dialect; NOT a language). I think it's great to be able to speak in my "native tongue", although it's not quite a good as it could be. Why? because over the years; primarily since living in the U.S, people have had a hard time understanding when I speak English (with my East London/cockney twang), so my speaking Patois can be that much more confusing; unless I'm around Jamaicans of course. The funny thing is that , Jamaicans can tell if you're from England or have lived in the U.S because you're dialect is "off". The exception to the rule is for those who speak Patois daily and only "flip" when absolutely necessary.

I love that I eat a variety of foods that to some seem odd. I like that I can eat something for breakfast that can also be served for dinner. I've been drinking liquor since childhood because Jamaicans put rum in many drinks or will turn a regular glass of Guinness in a "punch" so it's children friendly.

We can and do turn every event into a party.  I recall my birthday last year and I asked my cousin if she'd cook breakfast for me and she said yes, and a simple breakfast turned into a full-fledged brunch which lasted until 5:00pm.  We ate, danced, took pictures, and enjoyed each others company. 

Culturally, we'll have more than one generation living under one roof and family ties are maintained and drama gets squashed instead of people keeping their distance.  We like going "home" or "back a yard" because there is nothing like clean air, organic food, white sand beaches, and being able to just be.

I've never denied who I am or where I'm from and never will. I embrace every part of my dual heritage and celebrate it often.

It's all possible!

07 May 2010

Thoughts on women redux

After talking to the boys about why they're still single, this is what they told me...

If women spent more time fixing their own problems instead of talking about other women, they'd be much better off.

Stop saying you want a man who has this or that, but you have nothing of substance to bring to the table.

If a man cheated on his wife with you, what makes you so special that he won't do it to you?

If a man does not take care of the children he already has, why would you have a child with him?

Tattooing a man's name on your neck/breast does not make you his wife/woman

It's okay be single; really

Sleeping with a man does not constitute a relationship

Know the rules before you play the game

Just because you have a good job, can cook, and f*ck like a porn star means nothing if there is no real depth to your personality

Seeing a man because he has a good job, lives in a nice home,  and dresses well doesn't make him the Right Man; he's still just a man

Woman should not be afraid of being a woman, but instead embrace it, live it, and be proud of it

Stop being acting like you don't need a man when you're doing all kinds of things to get a man

Woman can't press a man about being on the down low if they're not forthcoming about their sexual history

If you suspect a man is gay; he just might be.  Trust your instincts and walk away!

You can not fix a man

Learn to listen and let the man speak

There were many more things that were said, but I'll save them for another time

06 May 2010


I think skinny dipping is great

Ever wonder if that cute girl/guy you've been crushing on will look as cute while they're sleeping?

If you became famous, how much of your life would you change?

I don't feel sorry for celebs who eff their lives up because I'm offended that they've squandered their talent and shit on those who are struggling to make it.

I had an opportunity to date celebs and turned it down. Just didn't want to 1) become just a f*ck and 2) didn't want my life to be on display by being with them

You're given $10,000 to get cosmetic surgery, what would you change and why?

Sometimes I look at the guys in men's magazines and wonder if 1) they're gay or 2) how big their penis is.

Kissing on the first date; a go or no go?

I have a mental crush on a few actors and wonder if they'd kiss as good in real life as they make it look on t.v

Then again, I'm not sure I'd really want to know because I'd be really disappointed if it were bad. This is the one time I think fantasy is better than reality

How come fat people always order diet drinks?

If you're completely compatible in every way with the object of your affection, but they can't really move you in bed, do you settle for bad sex or move on?

I considered changing my name to something else when I was younger and sometimes wish I'd gone through with it

How come smokers smoke in their car and then throw the butts out the window?

If a man masturbates, does that constitute murder? (been thinking about that for some time after watching Legally Blonde)

I've worn something and then taken it back for no other reason than I just wanted it for the occasion

I know stealing is wrong, but got quite a kick out of doing it when I was a kid. I'd be hard pressed to do it now though. Guess I've got too much to lose.

I feel guilty when I hear gospel songs that I don't like

I have a family member that I want to slap the taste out of her mouth so bad

If you found out you were dating your half-brother/sister how would you confront your parent(s)?

I like to send cards/notes through snail mail just because

I saw a boy in girls skinny jeans and it was very disturbing to me because he had a girlfriend. (since when were girls jeans interchangeable? Help!)

I've often wondered what it would be like to see myself through someone else's eyes...literally!

05 May 2010

what makes me happy

Knowing and appreciating that I'm a child of God

Standing up even when I want to fall down

Seeing Lil Lady smile

Cooking and watching people eat

Playing tambourine in church

Spending time with my cousins in FL

Getting into or creating shenanigans

Hearts Desire

Being the woman i am

Waiting for love to come instead of forcing it to happen

Stolen moments

Being a blessing to others and being in a position to bless others

Hagen Daaz Five mint ice cream

Sunflowers and Calla Lillies

Being encouraged

It's all possible!