30 January 2010

On Forgiveness - Sins of a Mother

"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." Matthew 5:11

I refer to this scripture because I hold it very near and dear to my heart and life. Why? Because throughout my life there have been people who have spoken ill against me or have chosen to persecute me for their own gain. Yes, we've all had moments in our lives where someone has been less than loving in their actions or speech to us, but when your own mother is the one speaking ill of you and thus, persecuting you, there is a very big problem.

At various points in my life, my mother has spoken ill about me based on speculation, assumption, or from jealously. Note that my mother harbours a level of residual anger and bitterness that has lasted over 4 decades and she's yet to let it go. I, on the other hand, have gotten over said anger/bitterness and have put full closure on old hurts. I'm not sure if that's actually the root of why she speaks ill of me and seeing as I've never asked, I'm still none the wiser. In addition, I've accomplished much in my life that she's either wanted to do or was never able to do, so maybe that's a part of it too.

In spite of her many shortcomings in her parental and motherly role, I will give credit where credit it due. She's strong, independent, and very able. She's not afraid of hard work and has fulfilled the joke of Jamaicans working many jobs. She's never counted on a man to sustain her and to date continues to work while her husband; my stepfather took an early retirement almost a decade ago. She came though for me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through my treatment and surgeries. It's credit I will never take from her; however, it still doesn't erase that she feels it's okay to defile me for no apparent reason.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."a]">[a] 4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-5

I refer to this scripture because in the midst of my mother berating and defiling me, she referred to said scripture, but only the first and second verse. How convenient.

I digress...The point I'm making is how easy it is for people; in this case my mother, to speak about what she doesn't know. Little does my mother know that I'm a sexual abuse and a rape survivor. Why doesn't she know? 1) because she didn't pay enough attention to me to notice a change in my behaviour, 2) I spared her from such knowledge, and 3) I didn't trust her enough to feel comfortable telling her. I spent a little over 3 decades of my life self-mutilated and bordered on an eating disorder. There are these and many other things that I've spared her from knowing, yet, she regards me as some relationship reject. How she can do is astounds me when she remains in a loveless marriage and they simply coexist because neither had the balls to get out of it. But because I divorced my ex-husband and am currently single, she sees me as wasting my life. The fact is, I'd rather continue to be single and happy than to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Out of her children, I'm the only one with a college education; a career, and has a mortgage. Even though I didn't remain with Lil Lady's father, I never disparaged him in front of her or made her feel like she had to chose between one of us or the other; things that I was subjected growing up. I graduated from Basic Training in the top 10 percent of the class and I went through Basic with males AND females, which is a military rarity as they do not typically mix genders.

Again, I digress. It's apparent there is much to be said about this situation, but I'm trying to remain on topic. Here goes...

Last Saturday, my mother took it upon herself to defame me to my twin cousin. She went on and and on about how I didn't do this or that, or how I've squandered my life, and how she never wanted this or that for me. Not once, she she consider that what she was doing was and is wrong. Not only was she speaking ill of her only daughter, she was speaking ill of me to a cousin (on my father's side) that she'd only met once before and with whom I'm extremely close. My cousin tried to interject and defend me, but my mother didn't want to hear it until finally my cousin found a way to flip the conversation.

My cousin was hurt and disgusted and had to remain silent until I'd returned home to tell me what happened. We spent the better part of an hour talking about it and deciding how it should be handled. The next morning I called her to say that I was okay albiet still confused and upset, but I was confident the church service would make me feel better. As I sat in church contemplating whether or not to testify on it, I finally did and it actually felt good to release it in order to work through it. The service was on point and I began to feel my spirit take course. For the duration of the week, my cousin and I prayed, read the word, and meditated on how we should deal with both the situation and my mother. By the end of the week, we realized that no matter what my mother said or why she said it, was on her. It was not our issue and we should not allow it to affect us. It doesn't matter what my mother thinks of me, I know I'm a good person, I've worked hard without compromising myself to get where I am now, and for the negative words of one, there are many who can speak to the contrary.

It was a hard week and it took a long time to come to a place of true peace and full forgiveness. I'm completely comfortable in the approach that I took and I'm not going to carry the baggage of another as mine. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about the forgiver.

I've said all of this to say, that we must look beyond the situation and seek a solution. We must consider the cause and effect of what we're facing and see what would truly be gained or lost with confrontation. Forgiving isn't easy, but doing the right thing never is.

It's all possible!

28 January 2010

my bad!

I know I was on a roll for minute with my blogging and I was enjoying the daily postings, but I've fallen off the wagon and I'm sorry about that. I will get back on effective tomorrow. And trust me, I've got a lot to say.

I'll start with some random stuff...

Men are coming out of the woodwork right now, but none of them are The Him that I want.

The current lunar phase is wreaking havoc; havoc I tell you on my hormones. ARGH!

My spiritual walk is amazing and I'm so enjoying it.

I finally got my way with the oncologist and am now seeing him every six months instead of every three.

My sense of purpose is becoming more clearly defined

I'm going to go back to school and get my certification in Womens Studies.

I'm planning a retreat at my house this summer

Lil Lady got accepted to my Alma Mater

I have some new inspiration for my writing

Temptation is really knocking hard on my door.

Okay, that's all for now, and you will get something of substance VERY soon.

It's all possible!

14 January 2010

Act of kindness

As we all know, the earthquake in Haiti has devastated the island and has left tens of thousands of people dead, homeless, and in an even more grave state than before. Naturally, this saddened people globally and now people are rallying to come to the aid of Haitians.

Why is it that it always takes something like that for people to share their humanity for those less fortunate than themselves? Hell, why can't people just be kind a caring period?

Coming from a Jamaican family, I know first hand the importance of taking care of your own and those around you. Jamaicans are a proud people, but never too proud to give and help others. Jamaican families that leave JA always send barrels of food and clothing back to their family and community to ensure people are taken care of. If they can't send the item that way, they'll find someone who's going home and ask them to carry things for them. It's a cultural practice that is almost innate. I know many other islands have the same practice, so why can't people here do it for their neighbours and/or communities?

I live less than 1o minutes from a town the produces the high concentration of blueberries in the nation. Each year, these farms use migrant workers from South America and Haiti to cultivate said farms. Last summer I was plagued with the thought of what to do with several bags of clothes and shoes that I no longer had need for, but didn't really want to give them to the local agencies as I know for fact that some of them aren't dispensing the items to the intended recipients. After driving through what's locally called Haitian Nation; the area where the Haitians workers are housed, I decided I would give them the clothing/shoes. I practiced my French and delivered the clothing/shoes to the very grateful people who thanked me profusely for my kindness.

Doing this brought so much joy to my soul and I felt good for my choice of recipients. This is something I've decided I will continue to do every summer. Sadly, I'll be doing it under far more grave conditions this year. The clothing/shoes that I would have given locally will now be sent to Florida to a dear friend who is Haitian and still currently waiting to hear from his father and other family/friends. The toiletries that I planned to send to my friend serving in Afganistan will also go to my friend in Florida as I'm sure they'll be in greater need there.

I'm sick and tired of people just jumping on the bandwagon to help others in their times of crisis and need. Family, let's perform acts of kindness daily. I'm sure each of us has something we can give to others in our neighbourhoods, communities, and such daily, so let's be thankful and grateful for the abundance we have and find it in our hearts to pay it forward in some way. This is what love for humanity is all about and we must work together globally to ensure others can be equally blessed.

My heart is full today y'all. I feel personally affected by this as I lost family in Jamaica last year with the massive storms. I can't watch telly or be on the web as flashbacks of worrying for my family come back to mind or even the devastation of Katrina brings me to tears. So again I say and implore each of you who read this blog to do something; anything for someone else. A small deed can go a long way.

It's all possible!

13 January 2010

It's All About Him :-)

December 28th 2009 is now a historic day for me

Thinking of him makes me smile

Hearing his voice is soothing/comforting

Knowing the feeling is mutual is amazing

Distance can’t erase what I feel inside

This is an awesome feeling

I prayed and claimed him as mine

I get giddy when I speak about him

I’m so happy I’m not longer stuck on stupid with the other him

The song ‘He Is’ by Heather Headley makes me think of him

The song for his ring tone is ‘A Kiss to Remember’ by Pamela Williams

It's all possible!

12 January 2010

Question of the day?

If you, male or female got involved with someone while they we in a relationship or marriage with someone else, do you think you could trust them to be in a committed relationship with you should their other relationship/marriage fell apart?

I’ve been thinking about this question for quite some time and the more I thought about it, the more I felt it would make for a good topic of blog conversation.

From my own experience, I can’t see how any good can come of a relationship that was built on lies, dishonesty, and distrust. I married my ex-husband who was married when I started dating him and he ended up cheating on me. I never thought it would happen as we’d been through so much together and it was truly one of those cases where he stayed married for the kids, but that’s still no excuse. He had to lie and sneak around to be with me, so what made me think I was so special that when push came to shove, he wouldn’t treat me in kind to how he treated his ex-wife?

I know someone who got her current husband the same way and I’m sure not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about that. Why? Because given that this woman does not have to work, has two wonderful children, lives in an estate home, drives a luxury car, and whose husband earns enough to take them on nice vacations etc on his high 6-figured income; she’s still unhappy. Why? Because when your husband travels for business, you find yourself wondering if he’s messing around. Why? Because he used to mess around on with you while he was married to his ex-wife.

There is a very fine line between fidelity and infidelity and it’s one that we must tread upon lightly. I don’t think that everyone is going to cheat and many haven’t, but I’m sure it’s fair to say, that there are many who’ve thought about it.

Given that I’ve partaken in it, I can’t call the kettle black by saying there are justifiable reasons for it, so from what I’ve been through; no good can really come of it.

Now, you’ve heard what I have to say; your turn!

It’s all possible!

11 January 2010

What is your reflection?

1 Tim. 4:12 says, "Be an example in believers of the word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

As I've gone through the many trials and triumphs of life, I always make a point to give credit where credit is due even if the person may have harmed me in some way? Why? Because there is a lesson learned in every experience and in spite of someone's perceived bad, they still possess some inherent good.

In spite of some extremely questionable parenting, my mother is an incredibly strong woman and has shown me how to be a strong, independent, and self-sufficient woman. Like her, I can do many things that most would consider 'manly' tasks, but for her; and now me, if it needs to be done, then just do it. She's endured much and continues to forge on through. While that part of her taught me some bad lessons of endurance, it's also shown me that one must find their way and never stop moving.

My father is another questionable character; however, he has a very strong work ethic and is punctual. These are two traits that I can say I like about him and that I have inherited.

There are others who've led by example whom have touched my life in immeasurable ways and to each of them I say thank you as you've molded me into the woman I am today.

Now to my overall point...

Since September, I've been mentoring my cousin who was in dire need of a life transformation. I've helped get her back on her spiritual path and we pray daily and share the word. I've shown her that there is a big difference in shedding your clothes and shedding your soul. She's learning that a quick temper isn't always the best way to handle a problem and that words can be like pointing a loaded gun at someone.

Through my lead/example, she's seeing there is so much more to life and love than what she'd been doing and settling for. Almost daily, she thanks me for taking the time to talk to her and with her; instead of about her as some of the family has done. No one took the time to see past the wall she'd erected to get to know the wounded little girl that lived on the other side. Given that I see so much of myself in her, it was easy to not be fooled by the smile and party girl ways she portrayed.

I walk with her as her cousin, friend, and mentor because everyone needs modeling. None of us are too young or old to learn and grow. We can not expect people to just know things. If we've come through the flames, it's in our best interest to raise up those who are following behind us. Each one; teach one, should not be a catch phrase.

The learning lesson for today is: A good example has more value than good advice.

We can all talk the talk, but are we walking the walk? Today, I challenge you to look within yourself and see if you're reflecting your true self. Look deep and see if you're an example someone should be following. I further challenge you to; if you're not already, find someone to mentor and bless them with the tools and resources they'll need to make it.

Have a blessed day.

It's all possible!

10 January 2010

Open Letter #3 - A Day Late!

So, this morning, just as I pulled into my church's parking lot I received a call from The He that I posted about in Open Letter #2. I'm thinking his timing couldn't be any worse, but I answered the call anyway.

He was very sterile in his tone and said he "needed" to speak with me. After instructing him to do go ahead, I listened to his words and once he was finished, I simply said, "you do whatever you need to do, I've always told you that"; politely ended the call and went into what was the most amazing and when I tell you amazing services; I'm still doing it no justice. I digress because I didn't bring you all here to tell you that.

Anyway, The He rambled on about how he needs to take time to get his life right blah, blah, and yada, yada and said that while he was going through whatever processes he needs to, he wouldn't be contacting me. And? It's not like he was making any major contributions to my life anyway. Little did he know that I was already steps ahead on him in that department. Given that I'd written Open Letter #2 on Dec 9th, his sudden revelation was of no surprise or consequence to me; maybe that's why I didn't send it in the first place.

Whether The He realizes it or not, I have the spirit of discernment and while I once put it on the curb and drove away from it like I was abandoning an unwanted puppy, I've since gone back for it and use it wisely and use it well. My spirit had already prepared me for this day and I was neither shocked nor surprised why the words of his call. I know this man better than he obviously knows himself and I didn't need to react in any way other than the way I did.

You see, when you've come to a place of peace and contentment with yourself and your life, there isn't much that can disrupt that. I pray my strength in the Lord daily and His words and the manifestation of them keep me shrouded in a warm cloak of spiritual protection. I truly believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I know the truth of the words, "Blessed is he when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely". I've overcome far worse than The He saying he's taking "time out" from our friendship. Whatever! (Said, in my Becky voice)

I actually rejoice in that fact that I know I'd given my all as a friend and sometimes a lover to him for 14.5 years (the lover part not served concurrently), so for him to not want to include me in his life for now or forever is no big deal.

The man that I'm supposed to be with with come. I'm free and open to receive that and now more than ever, I know this to be true. I am more than happy; I'm elated! I'm free from any and all emotional bondage and there is not a damn thing anyone can do to me from hence forth that I haven't already had happen. As I said, I know from whence my strength comes.

Today's sermon came from Ephesians 3:14-21 for any of you who read the word. Not only did the scripture strengthen me, the way it was delivered fed my soul and I know that I am exceedingly abundantly good and in a wonderful place in my life.

So, in closing I can say, "you're a day late and $100 dollars short babe, because as always, I'm one step ahead. Blessings to you and your life and may the journey you're on give you the clarity you seek and may you one day finally be at peace."

Readers, I wish you all a fabulous day and may your week ahead be filled exceedingly abundantly well.

It's all possible!

08 January 2010


Men – Do you routinely practice acts of chivalry? I’m defining it as, doing things for woman that could have been taught in “charm” school or that are considered old school/traditional behavior. Do you have a problem opening doors, being prompt, allowing the woman to go first; things of that nature? How many of you still believe in the fine art of courting and dating? Yes, it’s a given that you might sex; hell, we want it too, but are you willing to wait for it?

Women – Do you routinely accept or expect this kind of behavior? Are you willing to allow the man to lead, to do kind things without thinking he has an agenda, and would you reciprocate in kind? Do you also believe in the art of being courted and dated? Are you willing to wait for sex?

Why am I asking this? Well, as a strong, independent, and assertive woman, I still appreciate and sometimes expect those traditional/chivalrous values. I carry myself in a ladylike manner and expect to be treated accordingly. I thoroughly enjoy being treated like a lady. I still hold an appreciation for the traditional values that don’t seem to be taught in our homes and society these days. How can we expect our children to know how to act if they’re not taught?
We need to get out of the habit of thinking sex or attraction equals the making of a good relationship. We need to seek substance, good and consistent qualities and not think that because he looks good on paper, makes him a good mate. Think about the character Blair Underwood played in Madea’s Family Reunion who from the outside was the perfect catch; meanwhile he was beating chicks ass often. Instead of Mr. Looks Good on Paper, why not consider Mr. Cable Guy who can fix ish around the house, listen to you when you’ve had a bad day, instead of beating your ass at the end of it.

Men, I’m asking you to stop treating woman as disposable objects and consider how you’d feel if some dude was doing that very same thing to your mother, sister, or daughter. I’m asking you to see beyond the fat ass and tig ol bitties! Look for her heart and her entire being. Find her core and share yours with her.

In speaking with a man who not only routinely, but proudly treats women in a polite and respectable fashion, he advised me that some women do not like it or understand it. I looked at him like, “are you serious?” In a day and age where women are often complaining there are no real men still in the world, here one is and he’s being under appreciated. He said, there was an occasion where he took a woman to a formal function and she didn’t know how to use the various utensils. On another occasion he said, the woman he was out with asked him what he wanted/expected because he was treating her in such a nice way. Can you believe such a thing? Sadly we can, because women have and continue to sell themselves out for dinner, a bill payment, or something material thing. I thought it was a shame that a woman would even think like that. But I guess it’s the times we live in where everything comes with a price.
If, as a man or woman don’t know how to receive this treatment, speak to someone you know who has a good relationship and ask for some advise. Let’s all stop hiding behind walls to so-call protect ourselves and instead work with and for each other to bring the walls down. Let’s start with the root and work upward from there. Let’s have real and honest dialogue and get to know the real person behind the suit, overalls, nice car, home, or whatever gets you so easily caught up and distracted.

Personally, a man who opens/holds doors, escorts me under an umbrella, has good table manners, engages in good and interactive conversation is wonderful. No, it’s not just about sex, it’s simply about being polite and respectable. As ladies, we should learn to accept and appreciate that there are men who still uphold these values and show him that we enjoy it. Remember it’s the simple things that carry the most weight. My brothers, please learn these things if you haven’t already and my sisters, allow a man to lead and show him you are thankful that he’s treating you like a lady and not like a bitch or ho.

My brothers and sisters, there is no harm in being single and wear that title proudly. You still as empty after hooking up as you were before you did it, so consider how much you’re really getting for what you’re giving. Temporary gratification is no match for long term reward/satisfaction. I was celibate for almost 3 years once before and I’ll do it again before I use myself as a cum dumpster in the name of sexual independence.

Let’s get out there and teach our children and our neighbours the value of self-worth/respect. Hell, let’s check our peers and help them see the error of their ways. We can’t help each other if we talk about them instead of too them. I know what you’re saying, “they’re grown, they’re gonna do what they wanna do”. Yes, that could very well be true, but consider that this could be simply learned behavior because no one taught them any better or they didn't have any real examples to follow.

Let’s try to think outside the box luvies and start doing things to uplift ourselves in order to have relationships of substance. Remember this though, you can’t ask for something of another if you’re not right with yourself first.

It's all possible!

07 January 2010

Thursday’s Thoughts! (Random miscellany)

My faith and spiritual walk are in optimal condition right now

Even when I think I’m at my worst, I know God still sees me at my best

I looked back at some recent pix of myself and if I say so myself, I wear the heck out of simple black dresses.

Just so you know, there is no such thing as too many black dresses; just as there’s no such thing as too many pairs of shoes

I have aged well and gracefully compared to my high school and college counterparts

In comparison to how I was raised, I’m a damn good parent

There’s nothing more special than your child saying, “I’m proud of you mommy” and “thank you for all that you do for me”.

The view from where I stand is awesome!

Blogging again feels really good

I thank LadyLee for that. She said she missed me writing and she betted me $10 to write daily. I’m doing pretty well so far

Cleaning house and closing doors has never felt so good

Starting this year out in church was the most amazing feeling of joy and satisfaction

The New Him…mmmm!

I’m keeping my arms tightly wrapped around life and celebrating every blessed day that I have

Love! So much to say about it, but I’d rather feel it instead!

Lil Lady will be 18 this year and as mature as she is, she still knows she needs her mummy

There is going to be the most amazing and positive shift in my life within the next 5 months; I can feel it

I sometimes detour from the path, but God never leaves my side when I do

Don’t tell me; show me!

Blessed is he (she) when man shall revile you and speak all manner of evil against you falsely. Thank you to all my enemies, naysayers, and haters because I’m still here and doing well I might add.

Compliments are only as good as the sincerity behind them

Speak positivity into your life daily

I’m so enjoying being an example worth following

It's all possible!

06 January 2010

Open Letter #2 - Moved on!

I actually wrote this letter in early December when I was finally transitioning out of emotional bondage into the well-deserved emotional freedom I have now. After another recent epiphany, I decided to post it. I'd previously shared it with a couple of my near and dear girls, whom immediately encouraged me to send it to The Him, but I said it wasn't really written with the intent to send it; moreso just to purge my thoughts/feelings. Well, it's a new day; a new year; a new decade; and most of all; a better me, so I'm now fully releasing this into the universe as I continue to pray that The New Him will be mine instead.

First let me preface this by saying that I am in no way bitter, angry, or any negative emotion one can think of. In fact, I’m completely lucid, emotionally liberated, and happy; very happy. Furthermore, none of this is said to hurt, insult or offend, but merely to express some things that were not previously said.

My moment of sublime emotional clarity came when I realized that while I’m the gold at the end of the rainbow, you are simply not ready for receiving what 1) has always been yours and 2) that you’re afraid to be rich with all the emotional rewards that come with being with a woman like me. Yes, I realize I sound extremely arrogant right now, but I can honestly say that I’ve very much earned that right. I’ve worked hard to be a women of amazing character; whole, sustained; and one capable of being loved fully; wholly; and loyally. I’m the woman that you bring home to your mother and say, “she’s The One!” Additionally, I’m the woman who loves her man for and in spite of his flaws who’ll not try to change him into what I want or think he should be. If I fell in love with him, then I’ve fallen in love with every piece of him good or bad.

I’m the woman who knows she’s his missing rib to make both he and her whole, but is secure enough in herself to still be able to function without him while; all the while still providing the necessary balance in his life.

Women like me will seek her continued growth, asks her man to inspire and encourage her, as she takes her many and varied walks in life. I’m the woman who’ll love and accept you at your worst and be your biggest cheerleader when you’re at your best. I’m that woman who knows that being her mans friend and partner is far more important than being his lover. She knows that there’ll be times when she will not like her man, but will love him no matter what and will use his deficits as ways to find the root problem and work toward healing and growth instead of condemning and emasculating him.

I will respect his time and space and know that just because he wants to be alone doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with me in favor of something or someone else. I will know that he needs to have his own escapes and things he enjoys without me. I will support and encourage that and know that the times when we’re together and doing things as a couple is equally important to him and us.

I’m the woman who knows she doesn’t have to compete or feel insecure because I’m secure in myself and trust that he’s with me because that’s what he wants and where he wants to be. My man will not have to fight to maintain us because we’ll have built our relationship on firm and solid ground. We’ll have built a foundation on friendship, on trust, on mutual respect, and honest communication. I’m the woman who knows when to be silent and when/how to listen.

As I said before, any man who gets me has gotten a woman who God has cleansed and made whole. He’ll find his rightful partner and will honor and cherish me as his friend, his partner, and his Queen. He’ll know without a doubt that he’s made the right choice and will do nothing to inflict harm in any form to me.

My life’s experiences have shown me that in order to have the man and the love I deserve I cannot and will not allow myself to settle for first place second. I must always seek to be first and wear the crown. I must not allow myself to be deluded, mistreated, or left feeling unworthy. If I can’t be where I know I’m supposed to be, then it’s best that I not be involved with any man until he knows and appreciates a woman’s worth.

Any woman who knows her worth will not need to resort to drastic measures in order to secure a man or his affections. She will simply walk tall with her head held high and know that God didn’t make her to be used or abused. She’ll know that she is a temple and that her hallowed walls are sacred and are only to be shared with a man who’ll know not to defile her, but worship her and cherish his opportunity to have been afforded such a bestowed privilege.

I am this woman. I am the all the woman I have spoken of and I shall never be anything less than that.

Of your own choosing you walked away from the very thing you want most in the world and I didn’t stop you because I know I didn’t need to. Your decision wasn’t born of a need to stop running and fight; instead of your own fear of losing a good thing. Your fear is that I’ll somehow change and you’ll not only lose the love that’s been there for you and with you without ever asking anything of you. Furthermore, you seem more content in knowing that you’ll always have that safe place to go to when your world falls apart, as it always seems to do, which is really foolish if you’re honest enough to think about it because if you put me in my rightful place in your life, you’d know that your fear is unwarranted.

I am the woman who knows you as you know yourself and in some ways moreso. I’m the woman whom you trust implicitly and knows will never do anything to cause conflict in your life. All the things you’ve ever wanted in a woman are here with me and yet you once again chose another. I’m beyond confused how you can quantify that, but that’s your call. You can’t say you’re going to fight for something when you’ve had something right in front of you that you never had to fight for because it was yours to begin with. I’ve learned you somehow enjoy the turmoil and act of the fight. Fighting is indicative of their being an underlying problem and you have to resort to great means to make things work. Philosophy dictates if you have to fight that hard, then it’s not working. I know my God does not want us to suffer and I know He wants us to love and be loved the right way. He makes changes in our lives for a reason; however, we tend to think we know better and in contradicting Him, we find ourselves caught up and caught out there.

Well, my dear, I live my life knowing that I’m worthy in so many ways. I live knowing that I don’t need to invest where there is no yield. I can’t and won’t live in a manner that’s not conducive to my life’s goals and desires and expect a different result. So, it’s with that thought that I can say all of what I’ve said. I can proudly say I AM THAT WOMAN! I’m God’s blessed and divine creation and He’ll not have me in a situation I shouldn’t be in.

He brought you back in my life to teach me the lesson of forgiveness, love, and friendship and I can honestly say that I’ve passed with honors. My shoulders bear no weight, my life is conflict free, and those I keep close are worthy of me as I am them. My life has endured some tough breaks, but it’s also given me plenty to live for and aspire to.

If it’s so ordained that you and I are to be more than friends, then that’s a venture I’m willing to take; maybe! However, in the mean time, I shall live life fully and happily. I will embrace each day and find the sun in spite of the rain. My life will be a series of opportunities more taken than missed as I refuse to settle in any form.

It's all possible!

05 January 2010

First poem of 2010

I'm still working on it; or at least I think I am, but this is what I've got so far...

The complex composite of your being
Subsides into anticipation of my proximity
You yield open and willingly powerless to defeat
Lost in the sublime reverie of our moment
Freefalling into the blissful abyss
Where open arms welcome you with a first embrace
The softness of a familiar but yet still unknown
Sensation of this; our first kiss
Setting us free; now capable of submission
Having grown weary of the confine
Gentle brushstrokes applied in vivid colour
Manifestations of loves spectrum exposed

It's all possible!

04 January 2010

A few clouds above 9

I'm experiencing this really great feeling and it's making me happier than I've felt in longer than I can even remember. I feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on the Quarterback. I get giddy when I talk about him and I'm so sentimental that I keep his BBMs (BlackBerry Messanger) messages. Today his status read "she takes me to another level". Talk about make a girl feel good. He said I made his day and put a smile on his face. He has done the same for me.

I'm pleased that the attraction and feelings are mutual and while I don't know what the future holds, I hope that he'll be a part of mine.

I've prayed on this feeling and asked God to let His will be done with this. Time will tell.

It's all possible!

02 January 2010

Open Letter #1 - Dear Self

Dear Self:

You've come from the valleys to the mountains peak and there is no turning back. You have overcome so much and your are a shining example of God's grace, favour and mercy for those who remain vigilant and faithful. You are the victory as are no longer a victim and every trial you faced, you found a triumph in it. No lesson; no matter how ugly or painful was a bad one as you learned from it and walked away with clarity and understanding.

You've embraced life and live it to it's full potential. You are a role model for those who need one and you pride yourself in your spiritual walk as you know it's the best path to be on. While you may trip or stagger; heck, you may even fall, but as long as you get back up and continue to ask Father to bless and keep you, your bruises will not last.

You are a whole, complete, and sustained woman who knows her place in this world and knows that everything done with purpose and intent on a foundation of love will flourish.

You will receive your reward and rejoice loudly and proudly with those who walk with you, hold you up when you're down, and support you. This year you will receive love in it's right form. You will be with someone who'll appreciate the woman you are and encourage you to continue to bloom in your garden of life.

Each and everyday you will seek and find the good knowing that the only reason why life is complicated is because people make it that way. You will be a part of solutions and not situations and your beauty shall continue to shine from within as that's where Father's light lives.

I love you; encourage you; cherish you; and will always take care of you.

Live this life well my dear as there is no encore.

It's all possible!

01 January 2010

Happy New Year - 2010

I closed out 2009 with so much enlightenment and clarity that I couldn't do anything else but spend New Years Eve in church. I attended service in Brooklyn, NY at Christian Cultural Center and let me tell you there was some serious praise and worship going on there.

I was reluctant to attend service in my Puma tracksuit, but honestly I'm glad I did, because I felt like I got a work out from the service. I danced, I sang, and I rejoiced in the name of my heavenly Father.

I know I started my new year with a clear heart, mind, and a happy spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be an amazing year. I have a new mantra for 2010 "It's all possible". I know that success comes not always from accomplishing the goal, but at least having the courage to take the step toward it.

I wish all of you a year full of love, happiness, good health, renewed faith, and all the blessings that are yours to receive.

It's all possible!