The Blu in my Jewel has been a little dim for a few days, but with prayer, good friends, and faith I'm managing to make it through. There have been some songs that have gotten me through those moments where I was holding tightly to the knot in the rope.
Check out the following links to the lyrics:
Didn't Cha Know
Strength, Courage and Wisdom
Come This Far By Faith
Standing in Need of Prayer
The Prayer
Stay up and be blessed.
Love!
21 May 2008
20 May 2008
Happiness is…
Having God in your life
Having someone be there at just the right time; saying/doing just the right thing
Parents positively interacting with their children
Families that are functional
Taking chances instead of holding back
That first kiss
Butterflies of anticipation
Succeeding in a goal
When a negative is a positive thing
The warmth of a hug
Life through clear colored glasses
Moving forward and not looking back
Honest dialog
Being able to just be
Finding the joy in simple things/pleasures
Hearing someone say, (and mean) I love you
Having flaws but being okay with them
Knowing, loving, and being who you are
The heart of the matter
Being in the right place at the right time
The “just because” out of nowhere
Love!
Having someone be there at just the right time; saying/doing just the right thing
Parents positively interacting with their children
Families that are functional
Taking chances instead of holding back
That first kiss
Butterflies of anticipation
Succeeding in a goal
When a negative is a positive thing
The warmth of a hug
Life through clear colored glasses
Moving forward and not looking back
Honest dialog
Being able to just be
Finding the joy in simple things/pleasures
Hearing someone say, (and mean) I love you
Having flaws but being okay with them
Knowing, loving, and being who you are
The heart of the matter
Being in the right place at the right time
The “just because” out of nowhere
Love!
19 May 2008
On becoming Daddy’s Girl
With Father’s Day approaching, I began thinking about my relationship with my father. I’m the youngest of my father’s 8 children and to the best of my recollection I have never spent a father’s Day with him. I don’t recall making any of those cute little cards in school nor do I recall even buying him a card. Seeing as I didn’t know my father until I was 5, I guess that would explain the first few years, but even after meeting and growing up with him in my life, I still don’t recall ever sending him a card. Conversely, I’ve always given my Stepfather a Father’s Day card seeing as I’ve known him my entire life. We never made that big a deal about it; we just gave him the card, wished him a happy Father’s Day and it was business as usual.
I won’t go into all the details of my life, but let’s just say, I grew up without having the proper male influence in my life. My stepfather; though a good man; was never really hands on and deferred to my mother for the child-rearing stuff. He didn’t give me those “daddy’s guidance” pep talks and looking back it hurt like hell. My biological father was as active as he could be in my life, but he still lacked in giving me the “daddy’s guidance” pep talks too and I was equally hurt by that. As an adult, it seems rather odd to have had both a father and stepfather in my life physically, but not in the ways I needed either of them to be. I guess that’s just the way it plays out sometimes.
After some years of estrangement from my biological father, we’re now speaking and on very good terms. We’ve put whatever issues I had with him aside and are building on the here and now. It’s kind of cool that in spite of his religious beliefs, arrogance, and forthrightness that I can and do talk to him pretty much how I want to. I really don’t know any other way given the fact there’s been so much distance between us and I am an adult, not a little girl now; so he can’t try to raise me now.
In somewhat of his defense, my father resided in London while I lived here with my mother, stepfather and other siblings, so there were many events in my life that he missed by default. He never saw me graduate from high school, college, basic training; or be here for the birth of lil lady. He missed my wedding and divorce too. I guess he could have been here had I invited him to any of the events, but some of them took place during a time when we weren’t in touch. It’s those things that make wonder why he didn’t reach out? As a parent myself, I wonder how I would feel knowing my child was out there in the world and I didn’t try to reach out to her. Honestly, I don’t think I could not try. It would have to have taken a grave circumstance for me not to swallow my pride and do whatever I could to find her. He did try a couple times, but his reasons were somewhat suspect and I just couldn’t deal with it at the time.
I was 39 when we started speaking again and we’ve cleared the air on some of the major issues that caused our estrangement and as I said before; it was better to just start from now than rehash the past.
What I find the most amusing is how I’m now becoming Daddy’s Girl at this stage in my life. My father now resides in his place of birth; Jamaica after retiring and moving from London. When I’m in Jamaica, I can pretty much get whatever I want and do what I want. The best part of him being in Jamaica is having a second home to go to and feel content in that space. We speak weekly and have a decent rapport. We talk about anything that comes to mind and it seems like he wants to make up for lost time as best he can. Though the years will never come back, it’s still nice to have a relationship with him now. I like knowing that I no longer feel the hurt, the pain, the loss, and the disappointment of his not being around. I enjoy the easy banter that takes place between us and his interest in what I’m doing with my life.
I’m praying with all my heart that I’ll get to spent Father’s Day with him this year. I’d like to have at least one memory of he and I sharing Father’s Day before one of us passes.
I guess it’s never too late to have something you thought was alien from your life and to feel something that was equally foreign. Though I never call my father Daddy; it’s kind of nice to feel like I’m Daddy’s Girl. *smile*
Love!
I won’t go into all the details of my life, but let’s just say, I grew up without having the proper male influence in my life. My stepfather; though a good man; was never really hands on and deferred to my mother for the child-rearing stuff. He didn’t give me those “daddy’s guidance” pep talks and looking back it hurt like hell. My biological father was as active as he could be in my life, but he still lacked in giving me the “daddy’s guidance” pep talks too and I was equally hurt by that. As an adult, it seems rather odd to have had both a father and stepfather in my life physically, but not in the ways I needed either of them to be. I guess that’s just the way it plays out sometimes.
After some years of estrangement from my biological father, we’re now speaking and on very good terms. We’ve put whatever issues I had with him aside and are building on the here and now. It’s kind of cool that in spite of his religious beliefs, arrogance, and forthrightness that I can and do talk to him pretty much how I want to. I really don’t know any other way given the fact there’s been so much distance between us and I am an adult, not a little girl now; so he can’t try to raise me now.
In somewhat of his defense, my father resided in London while I lived here with my mother, stepfather and other siblings, so there were many events in my life that he missed by default. He never saw me graduate from high school, college, basic training; or be here for the birth of lil lady. He missed my wedding and divorce too. I guess he could have been here had I invited him to any of the events, but some of them took place during a time when we weren’t in touch. It’s those things that make wonder why he didn’t reach out? As a parent myself, I wonder how I would feel knowing my child was out there in the world and I didn’t try to reach out to her. Honestly, I don’t think I could not try. It would have to have taken a grave circumstance for me not to swallow my pride and do whatever I could to find her. He did try a couple times, but his reasons were somewhat suspect and I just couldn’t deal with it at the time.
I was 39 when we started speaking again and we’ve cleared the air on some of the major issues that caused our estrangement and as I said before; it was better to just start from now than rehash the past.
What I find the most amusing is how I’m now becoming Daddy’s Girl at this stage in my life. My father now resides in his place of birth; Jamaica after retiring and moving from London. When I’m in Jamaica, I can pretty much get whatever I want and do what I want. The best part of him being in Jamaica is having a second home to go to and feel content in that space. We speak weekly and have a decent rapport. We talk about anything that comes to mind and it seems like he wants to make up for lost time as best he can. Though the years will never come back, it’s still nice to have a relationship with him now. I like knowing that I no longer feel the hurt, the pain, the loss, and the disappointment of his not being around. I enjoy the easy banter that takes place between us and his interest in what I’m doing with my life.
I’m praying with all my heart that I’ll get to spent Father’s Day with him this year. I’d like to have at least one memory of he and I sharing Father’s Day before one of us passes.
I guess it’s never too late to have something you thought was alien from your life and to feel something that was equally foreign. Though I never call my father Daddy; it’s kind of nice to feel like I’m Daddy’s Girl. *smile*
Love!
16 May 2008
Open Letter #2: What I really want to say to you.
You've shown me side of you that is cowardly, selfish, insensitive, and cruel. I've seen in you that the man you presented yourself to be isn't who you really are at all. While I recognize that to some degree I was blinded by what I wanted to see, I do realize that you were complicit in my blinding.
You get by in life walking away without explanation for your actions and think that it's okay. You expect the other person to read your mind to know and understand all the things you did not say. Uhm, newsflash...it's doesn't work that way. I'm talented in many ways, but a mind reader isn't on my resume. At one of the most crucial times in my life, you bailed on me and remained away for 7 months until I reached out and even then, you didn't seem to care enough to inquire about what I'd been through. It took prodding to get you to show an ounce of concern. Well, eff you dude, I don't need that ish in my life.
Let me really get into this...
For years, I was the best friend you'd probably ever had. I gave unselfishly and unconditionally of myself, my time, and my resources. I never asked for anything other than you be a fair and good friend to me. I look back now and see how much of our friendship was one-sided. You were always on the receiving end. Oh, I'll give you that you've sent a few cards, made some calls, been a shoulder, etc., but again, those occasions weren't frequent and you still got more than you ever gave.
Because I don't want to digress into the heat of the vulcanic fury you once had me in, I'll spare some of the details, but dude let me tell you, you're a friggin heartless coward. I can't believe that you even acted the way you did and worse yet, treat me the way you did. Yeah, we all handle crisis differently, but damn, you showed no kind of compassion for what I was going through. I've gotten better treatment from strangers than from someone who I once regarded as my twin soul. I actually wonder if I ever really knew you cause I never imagined you'd treat me like this.
Hearing you answer my question of you thinking about me lately with, "yeah, but not enough to act on it" was the biggest slap in the face and certainly the last I'll take from you. There was no hidden meaning or intimate intent of my question. It was simply to see if knowing what you knew meant enough for you to send a txt, drop an email, to say, "hope all is well". After 7 months, you don't think that's a kind thing to do? Obviously not! You know me well enough to know that it's the simple things that mean the most to me and I've respected you and whatever/whomever is in your life to not make a federal production about much.
I'm so friggin tired of holding in how I feel, so now that's it's out, you are too. Well, you actually have been for a while. I'd already deleted your contact info from my phone and deleted your email address from my contacts. I have a peculiar ability to remember certain number sequences and you've had the same number for all the time I've know you, so it's not like I'd just not remember it. Know this, I won't be txting you anymore. There is nothing left for us to say. That random txt that you got was the last one. I'm not being petty or immature. I think it's rather mature of me to get it off my chest because guess what? I'm being honest and that's something you know little about. You instead simply fade to black to not be heard from again. As Puffy would say, "that's some bitchassness!"
Never would I have thought you'd would be this way and I certainly never imagined my life without you in it, but the reality outweighs my obvious fantasy. And I don't mean fantasy of sexual intent. As I said, the thought of our no longer being friends never entered my mind, but thank you very much for altering that thought.
I won't go on record of soley stating the bad because there were many good times and there are some good memories. It's just that right now, they're completely irrelavent as I am now to you.
I love the woman I am, whom I've become, and I refuse to be a bag lady by harboring any negative feelings. It was nice while it lasted. Have a good life cause I sure as hell plan on enjoying the rest of mine.
Love!
You get by in life walking away without explanation for your actions and think that it's okay. You expect the other person to read your mind to know and understand all the things you did not say. Uhm, newsflash...it's doesn't work that way. I'm talented in many ways, but a mind reader isn't on my resume. At one of the most crucial times in my life, you bailed on me and remained away for 7 months until I reached out and even then, you didn't seem to care enough to inquire about what I'd been through. It took prodding to get you to show an ounce of concern. Well, eff you dude, I don't need that ish in my life.
Let me really get into this...
For years, I was the best friend you'd probably ever had. I gave unselfishly and unconditionally of myself, my time, and my resources. I never asked for anything other than you be a fair and good friend to me. I look back now and see how much of our friendship was one-sided. You were always on the receiving end. Oh, I'll give you that you've sent a few cards, made some calls, been a shoulder, etc., but again, those occasions weren't frequent and you still got more than you ever gave.
Because I don't want to digress into the heat of the vulcanic fury you once had me in, I'll spare some of the details, but dude let me tell you, you're a friggin heartless coward. I can't believe that you even acted the way you did and worse yet, treat me the way you did. Yeah, we all handle crisis differently, but damn, you showed no kind of compassion for what I was going through. I've gotten better treatment from strangers than from someone who I once regarded as my twin soul. I actually wonder if I ever really knew you cause I never imagined you'd treat me like this.
Hearing you answer my question of you thinking about me lately with, "yeah, but not enough to act on it" was the biggest slap in the face and certainly the last I'll take from you. There was no hidden meaning or intimate intent of my question. It was simply to see if knowing what you knew meant enough for you to send a txt, drop an email, to say, "hope all is well". After 7 months, you don't think that's a kind thing to do? Obviously not! You know me well enough to know that it's the simple things that mean the most to me and I've respected you and whatever/whomever is in your life to not make a federal production about much.
I'm so friggin tired of holding in how I feel, so now that's it's out, you are too. Well, you actually have been for a while. I'd already deleted your contact info from my phone and deleted your email address from my contacts. I have a peculiar ability to remember certain number sequences and you've had the same number for all the time I've know you, so it's not like I'd just not remember it. Know this, I won't be txting you anymore. There is nothing left for us to say. That random txt that you got was the last one. I'm not being petty or immature. I think it's rather mature of me to get it off my chest because guess what? I'm being honest and that's something you know little about. You instead simply fade to black to not be heard from again. As Puffy would say, "that's some bitchassness!"
Never would I have thought you'd would be this way and I certainly never imagined my life without you in it, but the reality outweighs my obvious fantasy. And I don't mean fantasy of sexual intent. As I said, the thought of our no longer being friends never entered my mind, but thank you very much for altering that thought.
I won't go on record of soley stating the bad because there were many good times and there are some good memories. It's just that right now, they're completely irrelavent as I am now to you.
I love the woman I am, whom I've become, and I refuse to be a bag lady by harboring any negative feelings. It was nice while it lasted. Have a good life cause I sure as hell plan on enjoying the rest of mine.
Love!
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