16 May 2008

Open Letter #2: What I really want to say to you.

You've shown me side of you that is cowardly, selfish, insensitive, and cruel. I've seen in you that the man you presented yourself to be isn't who you really are at all. While I recognize that to some degree I was blinded by what I wanted to see, I do realize that you were complicit in my blinding.

You get by in life walking away without explanation for your actions and think that it's okay. You expect the other person to read your mind to know and understand all the things you did not say. Uhm, newsflash...it's doesn't work that way. I'm talented in many ways, but a mind reader isn't on my resume. At one of the most crucial times in my life, you bailed on me and remained away for 7 months until I reached out and even then, you didn't seem to care enough to inquire about what I'd been through. It took prodding to get you to show an ounce of concern. Well, eff you dude, I don't need that ish in my life.

Let me really get into this...

For years, I was the best friend you'd probably ever had. I gave unselfishly and unconditionally of myself, my time, and my resources. I never asked for anything other than you be a fair and good friend to me. I look back now and see how much of our friendship was one-sided. You were always on the receiving end. Oh, I'll give you that you've sent a few cards, made some calls, been a shoulder, etc., but again, those occasions weren't frequent and you still got more than you ever gave.

Because I don't want to digress into the heat of the vulcanic fury you once had me in, I'll spare some of the details, but dude let me tell you, you're a friggin heartless coward. I can't believe that you even acted the way you did and worse yet, treat me the way you did. Yeah, we all handle crisis differently, but damn, you showed no kind of compassion for what I was going through. I've gotten better treatment from strangers than from someone who I once regarded as my twin soul. I actually wonder if I ever really knew you cause I never imagined you'd treat me like this.

Hearing you answer my question of you thinking about me lately with, "yeah, but not enough to act on it" was the biggest slap in the face and certainly the last I'll take from you. There was no hidden meaning or intimate intent of my question. It was simply to see if knowing what you knew meant enough for you to send a txt, drop an email, to say, "hope all is well". After 7 months, you don't think that's a kind thing to do? Obviously not! You know me well enough to know that it's the simple things that mean the most to me and I've respected you and whatever/whomever is in your life to not make a federal production about much.

I'm so friggin tired of holding in how I feel, so now that's it's out, you are too. Well, you actually have been for a while. I'd already deleted your contact info from my phone and deleted your email address from my contacts. I have a peculiar ability to remember certain number sequences and you've had the same number for all the time I've know you, so it's not like I'd just not remember it. Know this, I won't be txting you anymore. There is nothing left for us to say. That random txt that you got was the last one. I'm not being petty or immature. I think it's rather mature of me to get it off my chest because guess what? I'm being honest and that's something you know little about. You instead simply fade to black to not be heard from again. As Puffy would say, "that's some bitchassness!"

Never would I have thought you'd would be this way and I certainly never imagined my life without you in it, but the reality outweighs my obvious fantasy. And I don't mean fantasy of sexual intent. As I said, the thought of our no longer being friends never entered my mind, but thank you very much for altering that thought.

I won't go on record of soley stating the bad because there were many good times and there are some good memories. It's just that right now, they're completely irrelavent as I am now to you.

I love the woman I am, whom I've become, and I refuse to be a bag lady by harboring any negative feelings. It was nice while it lasted. Have a good life cause I sure as hell plan on enjoying the rest of mine.

Love!

8 comments:

Mizrepresent said...

Standing up, applauding, bowing down, even a little bit of crying...Blu...yes gurl, yes, yes, yes...if he does not recognize the Jewell you are, then you must move on...me too love, me too!
btw, Karma is a bitch! Believe that!

The Mistress said...

OMG YES YES YES.

I just emerged from a break up and you have no idea how much this post mirrors what I'm feeling inside!

Haven't been to your blog in a while (or anyone else's for that matter) but I feel like my timing is perfect.

I was meant to read this right now!

Thanks Blu...

Roddykat said...

Damn! On a side note I like this kind of fire in you, though I know were letting it out. An don't to make light of things, but you've reached the Teddy P. stage "Think you better let it go...". Sometimes it has to be done.

Don said...

definitely have that burning desire within you. no question about that. you have that passion. right or wrong. good or bad. love or hate. you got it. i know, cause i too have it.

i originally wrote about two paragraphs speaking on your disappointment in this man, but i erased before posting this comment.

1) i think your words speak on their own
2) you mentioned the good times, so i thought that was classy of you.

Blu Jewel said...

Miz - *blushin* I didn't expent applause and bowing for this post. You have no idea how many times I've considered this post and the many times I've wanted to say this to his face, but I never did. At least it's out now and I can completely move on. If Karma is a bitch, then he's in for some serious ish!

Mistress - Thanks for stopping by, I've missed your visits. In light of what you've recently gone through, I know you can appreciate this.

Roddykat - Thanks for your visit and for your comment. LOL@ your ref to my fire. Yeah, Teddy P. is definitely a good song for how I was feeling.

Don - I'm now curious to know what you're paragraphs said. You have a way with words that's always on point, so you could have shared in spite of what I said. I always give credit where it's due and as I said, there were plenty of good times/memories, but when you've been treated so unfairly, the bad tends to outweigh the good. I'm just happy to have finally gotten this out of my system.

Love!

Terry said...

Hell hath no fury. - Blu, Sweatheart - remind me to never piss you of...too much...

I felt that sting all the way over here.

By the way - post aside - I hope that you are feeling better each day. Recovery periods can be a bitch.

And on the other thing - I'm ready to write when you are. Just let me know.

Don said...

@ blu jewel: well, you know me...i wrote something that offered advice that i personally used to tell myself. strong words that lock my unforgiven emotions away, and gave way to feelings of serenity.

but like i said, as i continued reading i saw where "blu jewel already has that serenity." i'm with you: sometimes it just feels good to get everything out in the open.

Blu Jewel said...

Terry - earth hath no fury! and sometimes it simply is what it is.

Don - thank you for your wanting to offer advice. if it worked for you, then I'm sure it would have been good.

Love!