In my other life (military), I find myself lost between sense and nonsense. From the moment I drive through onto the base, I check my sanity and good sense at the gate and continue to my work location. Once there, I grant hasty greetings to those in my path and go directly to my office and change. I take huge cleansing breaths and try to imagine that the day with pass with minimal incident and that I won't lose all military bearing and reach across the counter and beat the life out of someone on the other side. Why? Because people take me there. Let me give you an example of things I'm faced with.
Scenario...PITA (PainInTheAss) comes in and orders a new uniform.
PITA: "I need to order a new uniform. Do you know when they'll be in?"
ME: "Okay, they should be in by next drill. You have to turn in your old ones in order to pick up the new ones."
The month passes and PITA comes in.
PITA: "I got an email that says I have clothing to pick up, but I don't know what I ordered. What was it again?"
My face converts from pleasant to annoyance. Keep in mind only a month has elapsed. In some instances, it's a matter of a few weeks. I take a deep breath, censor my response, and proceed.
ME: "You ordered a winter weight uniform."
PITA: "Oh! Okay. Can I get them?"
(Keep in mind what I told him before..."you have to turn in your old ones for the new ones") I let a huge, exaspertated sigh, again censor my reponse, and reply.
ME: "No. I told you last month that you have to turn in the old ones before you can get the new ones. If you'd like you can strip the shirt you have on, go in the fitting room, and take the new ones for the ones you have on."
PITA looks at me like I've taken full leave of my faculties.
PITA: "No, I'll just come back for them tomorrow."
ME: "Okay. Remember to strip the jacket of all the patches."
Sunday comes and PITA calls to ask if the shop is open. (It's 7:30am). I tell him the hours of operation have not change and we open and we'd be open from 8:00 until Noon. Now, this is something that really pisses me off and confirms that common sense is NOT or ever will be common. In fact, it's so damn elusive that the FBI, CIA, and any other acronym based federal agency should go looking for it. Anyway, back to my point. Our hours of operation is posted in red on glass; kinda makes it hard to miss wouldn't you say? Of course! In addition, the hours of operation haven't changed in hmm? Say 4-5 years! However, every stinking month, some moron calls and 1) asks when we're open and 2) or comes to the door and pulls on the door knob; all while reading the hours. All I can do is laugh to keep from crying because it saddens me to know that these same people have volunteered for the ultimate sacrifice of being in the military. Things that make you go "hmmm" right?
Okay, so PITA shows up at say 10:00 am with his uniform and hands it to me. I check it over and guess what? This lovely (real word censored) person has not completely stripped the jacket. I hand it back and in my blatantly sarcastic tone say,
"What's wrong with this picture and what part of you have to take everything off didn't you understand?"
PITA looks at me with and expression that reads "I can't believe this *itch is talking to me like this". I chuckle, let out my infamous sigh, and hand him a box cutter so he can take the remaining patches off his uniform. Meanwhile his buddies who found it necessary to escort him to my shop because he apparently couldn't do it alone (another thing that baffles me, but that's a blog for another day), began to heckle him. At that point, I have to walk away or I'll fall out in hysterical fits of laughter or respond to the censored voices in my head and say something I really shouldn't.
Finally PITA does what he's supposed to (take the patches off), hands me the uniform, and I give him the new one. Thinking I'm done with him, I turn my back and he asks me a question.
"So, if I want to order another uniform, is this what I have to do?"
At this point, the voices in my head win, and I can't control the words that leave my mouth.
"If common sense was as common as people say, you wouldn't have asked me that question and I certainly wouldn't need to respond."
And with that, I put one steel toe booted foot in front of the other and walked away leaving him with his obviously confused thoughts.