15 May 2008

bitchassrandomness

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a while. Well, not since that little video of homeboy and is other personality. That was some funny ish right? I swear, if kids put half that creativity into doing something good, they'd be so much better off.

There's no real rhyme to reason why I haven't posted. I've been going through some things and I've needed to sort myself and my thoughts out. I'm not a quitter, but I do need to rest sometimes. I kind of missed posting and at the same time I didn't because I didn't want to feel forced to post just to say I did. I don't have a blog for ratings or popularity, but as an outlet because in spite of my absenses, I'm a pretty darn good writer. There are; however, times; like recently where writing wasn't something I wanted to do. I didn't want to be creative. I didn't want to feel that I needed to inspire anyone or say anything profound. Hell, most of what I've wanted to say would be profane and could cause a visit from the FCC. Hey, I'm being honest here.

Life has thrown me for some really crazy loops in the 11 months. I've come to terms with some things and people in my life and I'm still trying to make it to the light in the tunnel. I try to fathom how I make a decent salary and am broke more often than not. I try to understand why people say I'm such a good person, yet treat me with a lack of appreciation or understanding. Being a parent is a mofo of a job, but I signed up for it and can't resign now. My health is great, but I've been through something that made me thankful that I listened to my body and not ignore the pain. *I'll do a seperate post on that soon* As a result, it's made me even more of a health care advocate. I participate in health advocacy roundtables and try to get knowledge to take back to the community. BLACK PEOPLE NEED TO STOP THINKING THOSE EVENTS ARE JUST FOR WHITE FOLK! Yea, I said it! What? It's the damn truth.

I'm trying not to let life overwhelm me and make me feel unworthy. I call on my Father who listens to my prayers and knows the depth of what's in my heart. He listens 24/7 and has always been there to guide me even when I thought I wanted to go on another path. Faith is a great companion.

Lately, I feel moved by the power of "what if?" I've allowed myself to imagine things that I would ordinarily have ignored or dismissed. I'm allowing my heart to feel and express itself. It's a scary position to have placed myself in, but I realized that I can't go through life numb and think that I shouldn't have some intimate love or happiness in my life. While I continue to enjoy being single and celibate, I do still have feelings and miss the companionship of a male who's not a BFF or like a brother to me. I've got enough of those relationships in my life, so it's time to venture out a little. Well, it's sounds good in theory! *lol*

I'm to feeling "fat" again and I hate it. I hoped to have lost 10 pounds by now and I haven't. *ugh* While I'm within the confines of the weight standards for my age/build/height, I still feel awful. It's an issue that many of us face, but I can't address other people's issue. This is extremely personal and something that's been long ingrained into my psyche. I'm in no danger of ever having an eating disorder as I do like to eat, but I do have the tendency to become a little neurotic about it.

I pretty much don't listen to the radio AT ALL. I hate the crap they're calling music and find myself trolling iTunes for artists worthy of being recognized but aren't because they're not selling themselves out for image instead of talent or because major labels can't prostitute them. I'm deep into my Reggae Podcasts too, which give me quality music to listen to during the day at work when I'm giving the JewelPod a break.

I buy many of my polos and tanks in the childrens dept. at Target Old Navy because a Large or XL fits me well and is so much cheaper. I've become a huge fan of Aeropostale because they have nice clothes and bangin clearance sales. It feels good to get a hoodie for $4.99 instead of $44.50 and not feel like you're a season behind; or nice jeans for $4.99. I have gift cards for Macy's that I need to use, but the last time I was in there, the clothes sucked. What happened to Macy's being a pretty decent store? The ones by me suck. Maybe I'll go to the Macy's north of me or in NYC where I might actually find something worth buying.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of kids these days. I see girls going to proms in dresses that might make a hooker shudder. I hear of kids stealing from or beating up their grandmother. I see kids out of school when they should be in school. It's all too much. Where the hell did family and family values go? Where is the self-respect, kindess, and human decency go? A man was shot and killed in the development right next to lil lady's high school and I was sick to my stomach. All I could think of was how easily a kid could have been caught out there. The shooter and victim were 30 and 33 respectively, but damn, was it that serious?

I've created some new meals lately and will now be cooking for "lil sis" and her family when I'm doing my weeking cooking. I'm proud of her for asking me to help her have healthy meals for her and her family. I'd share recipies, but I actually rarely use them. I tend to create meals as I go along.

Well, I think that's all for now. I feel like I've adequately purged mentally. I wish you all a blessed day and thanks for reading.

Love!

8 comments:

Don said...

I'm not a quitter, but I do need to rest sometimes. i feel you, blu.

i know you are a pretty d*mn good writer. i prefer you to write whatever is on your mind. i tend to find a good message even in fcc warnings. lol.

I try to understand why people say I'm such a good person, yet treat me with a lack of appreciation or understanding. same here.

it seems like i read or hear about a shooting every day. only God knows when He will send someone hear to heal the world.


always good to see you post, and let me know that you posted. thanks.

hawa said...

Dag. I'm feeling you on that whole post!

In terms of the medical... it looks like I have more than my "Monday appointment" to attend to. I have been tired beyond tired... and I think it's time to have the thyroid looked at again.

Thanks for the inspiration that's always on time.

Love ya!
Hawa

Blu Jewel said...

Don - your comments could be blogs within their own right. You take the time to give thought to your comments and make emphasis where necessary. I truly appreciate your visits. LOL@ "tend to find a good message even in fcc warnings." You too huh? Maybe you and I should hang out...lol!

Hawa - you know we're sisters at heart right? Keep me posted on the medical stuff and what I can do to help. *hugs*

LOve!

The Mistress said...

Yeah girl, I'm down with this post.

Radio SUCKS

Macy's SUCKS

Feeling fat SUCKS

Kids SUCK

T.C. said...

you definitely have to do the brain dump every now and then...you really have to let it all out...the world is a changing place and it gets to me too at times, but wheni give my all and i just keep trying (which i KNOW you are too) then in the end it all seems worth it...we just gotta keep pushing, educating and moving forward

Believer 1964 said...

You always shoot from the hip, and I expect nothing more when I enter here.

Keep the faith and listen to your body—doing both will save you. ;)

Wendy said...

What is radio??? I can't take that stuff they call music anymore either Blu.

I have fat days too. I understand believe me. I can only buy childrens shoes though...lol.

I'm not even going to talk about these kids. Sends my pressure up.

Blu Jewel said...

mistress - there's a lot of sucky ish out there for real. *sigh*

t.c - for real. gotta let go of the miscellany because there's only so much one can handle and deal with.

believer - you know me, gotta keep real and give it straight no chaser. *smile* Yeah, being a good listener paid off.

wendy - thanks for empathizing on the "fat" thing. i have a friend with really small feet and she has the dickens of a time finding shoes outside of the kids dept. or online. Ugh on kids, which is a shame considering they're supposed to be the future. if these kids are any indication of the future, we're screwed. *sigh*

Love!