13 April 2009

Open Letter...I just thought you should know...

In many recent conversations with Mr. Slish he's asked why I don't talk about some of the more personal details of my life in terms of past or current relationships. I informed him that while I'm not really ashamed of anything I've done, gone through, or am currently experiencing; there are just some things that don't need to be said in a public forum or mixed company. I reserve the right to protect myself, the parties involved, and most of all my intimate life. So, while some of you know some of my pretty personal details, you most certainly don't and won't know it all; I'm simply not that kind of person and those details are reserved for those nearest and dearest to me.

With that being said though, there is someone I'd like to talk about of whom will of course remain nameless.

In the decade plus that I've known you, you've remained the single most intense relationship I've had. From day one, we connected in a way that transcended and defied any other relationship we'd had. In fact, we still have that bond, which we've still not been able to comprehend and I think we've pretty much just given up trying. The road to us hasn't been easy. We met, fell in love at first sight (yes, that is possible), and shared an experience that Lifetime movies, romance novels, and fantasies are made of. In the first 14 hours I'd shared things with you that I'd never shared with anyone else. I let you into the abyss of my existence and you accepted me with my insecurities, self-deprecation, conflicted emotions, and compromised self-esteem. Somehow you found the lost little girl in me that over the years, I kept tucked away so no one could hurt her anymore. Not only did you find her, you loved her, nurtured her, and in many ways validated her. You showed her she was worthy of love and being loved. You allowed the kismet of our meeting to grow and I grew along with you.

For hours we were able to sit and talk about anything and everything. You never made me feel stupid, insignificant or a toy for self-indulgent pleasures. You made love to me in a way that actually scared me. Aside from my virgin experience, no man had ever given so much to me sexually. For the first time in my life, I'd given myself wholely, completely, and without fear. I trusted you implicityly and unequivocally. You were the Alpha to my Omega, the male to my female likeness, and the love that I'd dreamed of forever.

The years of our friendship/relationship weren't always easy and they certainly weren't always kind, yet somehow we always found our way back to each other; however, at some point you became an emotional coward and left me hanging when you should have reached out. There were times where you took far more than you ever gave and I still loved you in spite of it. I defied myself in herculean ways when I told myself I was over you, done with all the mess that somehow now became us, and could and would walk away. These times would last a while, but something somehow always called me back to you. Our bond was like a boomerang. We'd get mad, toss each other away (well, you moreso than me), but like some crazy shift in the universal axis, we'd end up back in each others lives. It was as if we were fish floundering on the shore, hoping the tide would draw us back in.

You actually already know all of this, but since our last fallout, what you don't know is that I'd completely and utterly purged myself of you. I deleted you out of my phone book, deleted your email address, and every photo I had of you; and if memory serves me correctly, I tossed the letters we'd exchanged back in the day too. I not only shut, but changed the locks on my heart/mind/spirit, and installed a state of the art emotional security system to ensure that you could not come back in. I refused to allow you to be a part of my emotional pschye because I felt you no longer deserved any of my goodness. Sadly though, a part of me wishes I had made such a drastic move because I've erased chapters of our relationship like a book caught in a fire. Pages warped, fringed, and no longer decipherable; however, like a good book, you still recall the story even without being able to read it again. The good part about it, is that sometimes you have to raze the house to its foundation in order to rebuild it on more sturdy ground. My forgiving you was the catalyst to you reaching out to me to clear the air and apologize for allowing the emotional big bad wolf known as your emotional cowardice to ruin the single most amazing relationship either one of us had ever had or may ever have.

Now here we are, 14 years, 4 months later better, emotionally stronger, and certainly more vocal people. Well, you're certainly more vocal than you'd ever been in the past and I truly appreciate that. I'm more than happy that the Lord finally got me to listen to the silent whispers He'd been giving me toward you and we can be friends again; a friendship has outlasted our respective marriages and subsequent significant others. Memories don't leave like people do, but when you can get the person back and create new ones; now that's something...I just thought you should know.

Love to live; live to love!


Ruthibelle said...

wow. this was a LOT to share :)

Her Side said...

Wowee. Is there a chance the object of this post will get here to read this?

There is certainly something cleansing about closure - and sometimes getting the opportunity to start over.

And LOL @ Slish for blowing you up about not giving enough personal details.

Blu Jewel said...

@ Ruthibelle - and that was the cliff note version...lol!

@ Her side - I doubt it, but one never can tell. Yes, the door closing and reopening to a better place is good.

love to live; live to love!

CareyCarey said...

Well Blu Jewel, your post has inspired me to write one about the things we wish we could get back. In your letter, you implied that blame, shame, guilt, memories, hurt and pain, are no match for love.

See, the next man you get (really get) might not be able to handle you. If I am to believe that ..."what leaves the heart will find another" you are finding yourself and many will forever be looking outside themselves and look past you.

You are scary *lol*.

Now don't get the big head. You still have a little game in you that needs a little schoolin' ...just my humble opinion ...*smile*

Mizrepresent said...

I loved this Blu. I wrote sorta the same letter to my first love, (not that he would ever see it)...but it was freeing to write it anyway. So glad that you all can still be friends after it all...that's worth a lifetime.

Mr.Slish said...

Ha does this mean when the get gown GETS down...You gone give us the delails...lol

Blu Jewel said...

@ Carey - The only match for love is love! Why do you think the next man won't be able to handle me and what makes me scary??? So, since you think I still need some schoolin, are you giving lessons? *lol*

@ Miz - my soul sister, you so know this emotion and why wouldn't you given we're so much alike. *smile* I needed to get this out and I'm glad I did. Not everyone gets second chances and I'm glad we did.

@ Slish - No! and a thousand times NO! *lol* Should anything happen, it will remain between he, me, and the sheets.

Love to live; live to love

Believer said...

Freedom! Don't you just love it?

I hope that your “new” friendship continues to be nurtured in a healthy light, which benefits both.

CareyCarey said...

If I drop you from the sky, would you learn how to fly?

Is a crease always?
If I cry, will you?
When do you know you have arrived ?

I'm Old School
Wiser by nature
My nomenclature
Frozen in time, big glazier
Cold in love with....

Old School...can you hear me
Tick Tock, like the inner workings of a fine Swiss watch
A clock, locked in time, stuck on you
In you

Your voice
Your choice
Verse unrehearsed, a curse
But ooouuuu, drip a little on me

Work it girl
Do what you do, put that thang on me
Can't resist...don't what to
Am Old School

Eb the Celeb said...

Slish always causing trouble... but always gives great advice... you def should continue to do posts like this