27 May 2009

on being and doing me

I was over my Soul Sister's house Mizrepresent and she had a post (Dueces) about finding/loving herself and it inspired this post.

Since my first relationship at 16, I realized that I was willing to sacrifice, compromise, and give more than I was able to receive in return. Given that I had a very dysfunctional view of what relationships were about thanks to my mum and stepdad; and dad and his several women; now current 4th wife whom I love, I can't fault myself for my misgivings and misunderstandings.

I became a serial monogamist and spent a good portion of my life in one long-term relationship after another. I stuck out relationships that I knew were unhealthy or destined to fail because that was my lesson learned and thought so little of my own emotional happiness. And given that I couldn't really talk to either of my parents about relationships, everything was a trial and error for me.

At some point in my life, I got sick and tired of all the bs and drama that I decided I needed to withdraw and give something back to myself. I took some much needed time out, worked on myself, and made a decision to want more for myself. That process lasted a little while and I was truly happy for and with myself; well, that lasted as long as I remained single. I once again got into a relationship that had its share of problems and given that I was only as good as I was single; began the toxic cycle.

Between the age of 24 and 38, I was in and out of relationships, love, heartbreak; and added more and more emotional scars to my existing repetoire. It wasn't until Oct of 2006 that I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and took control and stock of my life and emotional well-being.

I entered into a celibate period in my life where I refused to date anyone but myself. I refused to allow myself to be controlled or manipulated into something that wasn't in my best interest. I sought professional help, pastoral assistance, read, prayed, and made a commitment to close the doors of past hurts and create the proverbial clean slate.

I shared my innermost thoughts with only those who I knew would be able to speak to me on a foundation of love and with purpose and intent. I knew and accepted that I would be told things that I didn't want to hear, but knew that the words were being said for my own good. I purged myself from negative thoughts, practices, and toxicity. I began to regard myself as a priority, someone worthy of being loved, and most importantly be able to love/accept/embrace myself for the whole woman I was becoming and currently am. It was no easy fete as learned behaviour is hard to unlearn, but that commitment was made with the intent of being carried out and I continued to grow and mature as each day passed.

In time and with patience, I finally reached my destination and I am who I am now. I know what I do and don't want; what I will and won't do or accept; and I do not allow others to define me or turn me into what they want me to be. I give freely, am fiercely loyal, and am harmless unless provoked; the latter being something that lends favor to the fact that I don't do bullsh*t and drama.

I live and love by some definitive rules and practices and they are deeply rooted in positivity, trust, respect, and communication. I am honest; sometimes to a fault as well as uncensored and candid. I will not sugar coat ish and call it candy just to appease someone. I've spent too much of my life doing this for fear of hurting someone else's feelings while hurting myself in the process. This is a practice that is unacceptable and is not tolerated. While I will not be mean or hurtful, I will speak with truth and explanation as to why I feel how I do. We can very well ultimately agree to disagree, but I will not allow my personal, social, and emotional integrity to be compromised.

One of these days, I'll be ready for a monogamous relationship again, but until then, I'm happily single by choice and when I do date it's because it's what I want to do and with whom I want to share my time with. Our status and intent for social time is clearly defined so no party can say they didn't know. I play know games where I'm not aware of the rules; relationships included. If we're going to be Friends; then that's what we'll be or if we're going to be Friends with Benefits; then that needs to be clearly defined. On-going communication is essential to our progression at any level as it serves as the cornerstone for understanding and growth.

So, as I approach my next new year in September, I am spending some time in review of my expiring year and seeing where I've grown, where I need work, and setting goals/projections of where I see myself next year. It's important for me to always climb the ladder of emotional success in order to be the best person I can be. Being completely and totally happy with myself is not optional; neither is fully loving the woman I am. I've come a long way from the self-esteem compromised girl who allowed herself and relationships circumstances to be a negative factor in her life. I'm a mature, secure, confident, aware, and most importantly whole being. The fractured pieces have finally come together and the view from my eyes is a clear one. Being jaded and disillusioned no longer exists.

Thanks to my Soul Sister for being my muse and giving me an ever growing awareness of self.


Love to live; live to love!

46 comments:

dessex said...

Reading this makes me want to do a little soul searching. Great post.

T.C. said...

absolutely inspiring!! helps to reassure me to stay on my path of growth and loving myself! this really helps me appreciate where i have been and where i am going...and i want to say THANK YOU for always giving me support and encouraging me to do and be the BEST TC i can be!!!!

Blu Jewel said...

@ dessex - Thanks and do what you must to be where you want to be.

@ T. C - Lil sis, you know I'm always here for you and I'm so happy that you can take something from this. You, too have come a long way and your journey ahead will be a fulfilled one. *big hugs*

love to live; live to love!

Keith said...

That's what we do in the Blogging community,we support and inspire each other. I get a little bit from nearly everybody I read.

I'm glad you're on the road to emotional recovery. Now I want a
list, names and addresses of everyone who broke your heart..

I'm going to hand it over to Chris
and Fathead and see if something can be done about them-lolololol.

hawa said...

LOL @ Keith.

The road to a whole "self" is loaded with pits, traps, rest stops, and detours. A beautiful trip can be interrupted by a pothole or a rain storm.

Bravo for using your eloquent words to draw a picture of how the journey brings us to new places of maturity and new levels of awareness.

Believer said...

Bravo! You are here because you took the initiative to be a whole being through growth and self-awareness.

Truthfully, I am here also and wouldn't you agree that the colors are much more vibrant and the sounds crystal clear.

Congratulations on coming this far! Now turn around...there are so many behind that want to follow. ;)

Mizrepresent said...

Like the others said my sister...how eloquently put! You have said all i wanted to say and more...once again it's like you are in my mind and my heart. Thank you so much for the shoutout! And Godspeed to all of us on our journey!

Ruthibelle said...

not playing the game without first learning the rules is an excellent guideline to live by... congrats on being and liking/loving you! :)

xoxo

[B2B] said...

You are after my own heart Bluey...
i understand the depth of the realisation and i envy the man who gets you right now, coz you are so much more surer of yourself than so many other women!

self...
doing you
blow up spot Bluey!

SLC said...

I'll be selfishly coming back to read this post. It's causing me to evaluate and re-evaluate different areas of my life and my future. Your growth is inspiring my growth so thank you, and of course.....

love to live; live to love!

Solomon said...

Great post, very inspirational. You remind me alot of the person I was, and the person I have now become. Isn't it wonderful, the feeling that comes with knowing ones self.

{This is me waving goodby to the past}

chele said...

What an awesome testimony. Once we learn to take responsibility for our own lives the possibilities are endless.

Blu Jewel said...

@ Keith - Like you; I, too am inspired and supported by members of the blog community. I think it's important to spread positive vibes wherever and however we can. LOL@ You wanting names and addresses. I've got my own versions of Chris and Fathead, so I'm good. Thanks for the offer though *smile*

@ Hawa - The journey is never easy if you want real direction and a wonderful end point. I've taken the potholes with the scenic routes and am more than content with where I've arrived. Thanks for taking some of those trips with me. *hugs*

@Believer - Hugs and brava to you for your own successful journey and an additional hug for your role in where I am now. My car in big enough for whomever wants to join me.

@Miz - The thanks are appreciated though unnecessary. You are very much a part of me as I am you. Divinity has ordanined it so. Agreed, godspeed to all of us on our respective journeys.

@ Ruthibelle - without rules; we are unorganized in so many aspects of our lives. Having them and living by them is very much an essential guide and game book.

@ B2B - thanks for the virgin comment. Please don't let Mr. Slish hear you calling me Bluey; as that's what he calls me...lol! Thank you for your kind words; they made me smile.

@SLC - Please feel free to come back and take whatever you need from this post.

@Soloman - Me standing next to you waving also. Yes, it's a wonderful thing to be able to do.

@ Chele - Amen! That's real talk right there.

Love to live; live to love!

Mr.Slish said...

See! I did what you did when I turned 35...Have you read my blog! ya see what kind of trouble it keeps me in!!!! All jokes aside I bet you're a much happier person because of it...

Solomon said...

Just stopping by to say 'Hi' again, I just had to revisit this one, and I you are so blessed to have all these friends out here that leave such wonderful comments.

Shai said...

Great post. It has inspired me. Plus, it just gives validation to my wanting to be with myself. I used to feel funny at times loving my aloneness. I am starting to see more women doing it.

I love how open you were in this post, alot of folks would find it too vulnerable.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hi there!

This is a great testimony!! Inspiring and valuable for all to hear! There are women who just don't take the steps that you have taken but I hope when reading this, they will consider it!

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa

Blu Jewel said...

@Slish - No doubt! My happiness is no longer negotiable.

@Soloman - I'm flattered that you have come back to this post and yes, I'm quite blessed to be surrounded by such good people.

@Shai - Women have carried a heavy burden self-imposed and acquired and it's time to reclaim ourselves. Yes, the post was rather vulnerable, but I'm not ashamed of what I've gone through as it's helped shape the woman I am now. Whatever your journey, take the necessary steps to ensure your OWN happiness. Wishing you well.

@black woman - I know you've had your own 'struggles' and I'm happy that my post could inspire others. I hope both genders will start to find themselves.

Love to live; live to love!

MOMSWEB said...

You do you and I'll do me - love this! It's time you turned your blog into a book.

助けて~! said...

凄く困ってます☆ love-cac@docomo.ne.jp すぐに連絡ください

精神年齢 said...

あなたの精神年齢を占ってみよう!当サイトは、みんなの「精神年齢度」をチェックする性格診断のサイトです。精神年齢度には、期待以上の意外な結果があるかも??興味がある方はぜひどうぞ

出張ホスト said...

マダムと甘い時間を過ごしてみませんか?性欲を持て余しているセレブたちは出張ホストサービスで男性を探し、セックスを求めているのです。ホスト希望の方なら容姿や年齢は一切不問!ご近所の女性を探して、多額の報酬をゲットしよう

メル友募集 said...

今まで同い年や年下としか付き合ったことなくて疲れてしまいました…優しくリードしてくれるような大人の男性に憧れます。 ayu-cha@docomo.ne.jpよかったらメールしてみてください。

逆円助 said...

さあ、今夏も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか?当サイトは円助交際の逆、つまり女性が男性を円助する『逆円助交際』を提供します。逆円交際を未経験の方でも気軽に遊べる大人のマッチングシステムです。年齢上限・容姿・経験一切問いません。男性の方は無料で登録して頂けます。貴方も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか

精神年齢 said...

みんなの精神年齢を測定できる、メンタル年齢チェッカーで秘められた年齢がズバリわかっちゃう!かわいいあの子も実は精神年齢オバサンということも…合コンや話のネタに一度チャレンジしてみよう

童貞卒業 said...

童貞卒業を考えているなら、迷わずココ!今まで童貞とヤッた事がない女性というのは意外と多いものです。そんな彼女たちは一度童貞とやってみたいと考えるのは自然な事と言えるでしょう。当サイトにはそんな好奇心旺盛な女性たちが登録されています

熟女 said...

熟女だって性欲がある、貴方がもし人妻とSEXしてお金を稼ぎたいのなら、一度人妻ワイフをご利用ください。当サイトには全国各地からお金持ちのセレブたちが集まっています。女性から男性への報酬は、 最低15万円からと決めております。興味のある方は一度当サイト案内をご覧ください

オナニー said...

女の子のオナニーを手伝って報酬をもらう仕事に興味はありませんか?新感覚SNSの当サイトで見るだけで3万円、お手伝いで5万円の高額アルバイトを始めてみたい方は当サイトへどうぞ。

小向美奈子 said...

話題の小向美奈子ストリップを盗撮!入念なボディチェックをすり抜けて超小型カメラで撮影した神動画がアップ中!期間限定配信の衝撃的映像を見逃すな

素人 said...

癒されたい女性や、寂しい素人女性を心も体も癒してあげるお仕事をご存じですか?女性宅やホテルに行って依頼主の女性とHしてあげるだけで高額の謝礼を手に入れる事が出来るのです。興味のある方は当サイトTOPページをご覧ください

メル友募集 said...

最近仕事ばかりで毎日退屈してます。そろそろ恋人欲しいです☆もう夏だし海とか行きたいな♪ k.c.0720@docomo.ne.jp 連絡待ってるよ☆

ホスト said...

女性向け風俗サイトで出張デリバリーホストをしてみませんか?時給2万円以上の超高額アルバイトです。無料登録をしてあとは女性からの呼び出しを待つだけなので、お試し登録も歓迎です。興味をもたれた方は今すぐどうぞ。

家出 said...

最近TVや雑誌で紹介されている家出掲示板では、全国各地のネットカフェ等を泊り歩いている家出娘のメッセージが多数書き込みされています。彼女たちはお金がないので掲示板で知り合った男性の家にでもすぐに泊まりに行くようです。あなたも書き込みに返事を返してみませんか

家出 said...

家出中の女性や泊まる所が無い女性達がネットカフェなどで、飲み放題のドリンクで空腹を満たす生活を送っています。当サイトはそんな女性達をサポートしたいという人たちと困っている女性たちの為のサイトです

セレブラブ said...

セレブ女性との割り切りお付き合いで大金を稼いでみませんか?女性に癒しと快楽、男性に謝礼とお互い満たしあえる当サイト、セレブラブはあなたの登録をお待ちしております。

夏フェス!! said...

夏フェス一緒に行ってくれる人募集!!夏の思い出一緒につくろぉ☆ megumi-0830@docomo.ne.jp 連絡してね♪

無料ゲーム said...

あなたのゲーマー度を無料ゲーム感覚で測定します。15個の質問に答えるだけの簡単測定で一度遊んでみませんか?ゲームが得意な人もそうでない人もぜひどうぞ。

素人 said...

Hな女性たちは素人ホストを自宅やホテルに呼び、ひとときの癒しを求めていらっしゃいます。当サイトでは男性ホスト様の人員が不足しており、一日3~4人の女性の相手をするホストもおられます。興味を持たれた方は当サイトにぜひお越しください

出会い系 said...

実は出会い系には…関係者用入り口があるのを知っていますか?広告主やスポンサー用に用意されたIDではサクラや業者が立ち入ることが出来ないようになっているのです。当サイトでは極秘に入手した関係者用URLが公開されています

逆援助 said...

男性はお金、女性は快楽を得る逆援助に興味はありませんか?お金を払っても性的欲求を満たしたいセレブ達との割り切り1日のお付き合いで当サイトでは大金を得ることができます。無料登録なのでアルバイト感覚でOK、詳しくはTOPページでどうぞ。

友達募集 said...

ホムペ完成記念!私の事みんなに知ってもらいたくて頑張りましたぁ。色々とご感想をお待ちしているので思った事を意見してください。メアドはほむぺにのせてありますぅ!★ fan.jna@docomo.ne.jp

家出 said...

夏休みで気軽に家出する女子○生が急増しています。しかし家出したはいいものの泊る所やお金が無い彼女たちは、掲示板などで泊めてくれる男性を探す子も多いようです。当掲示板にも夏休みに入ってから通常の3倍以上のメッセージが寄せられています

逆円 said...

今夏も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか?当サイトは円交の逆、つまり女性が男性を円助する『逆円交際』を提供します。未経験の方でも気軽に遊べる大人のマッチングシステムです。年齢上限・容姿・経験一切問いません。男性の方は無料で登録して頂けます。貴方も新たな出会いを経験してみませんか

人妻 said...

今最もアツイバイトは人妻とのセフレ契約です。当サイトではお金を払ってでもセフレがほしい人妻が集まり、男性会員様との逆援生活を待っています。当サイトで欲求不満の女性との出会いをしてみませんか

素人 said...

素人ホストでは、男性のテクニック次第で女性会員様から高額な謝礼がもらえます。欲求不満な人妻や、男性と出会いが無い女性達が当サイトで男性を求めていらっしゃいます。興味のある方はTOPページからどうぞ

友達募集中 said...

少し魅惑な自分をネットだから公開してみました。普段言えない事など、思い切って告白しているプロフなので興味ある方はぜひ除いてみてください連絡待ってまぁす。 hinyaaaaa@docomo.ne.jp