I was over my Soul Sister's house Mizrepresent and she had a post (Dueces) about finding/loving herself and it inspired this post.
Since my first relationship at 16, I realized that I was willing to sacrifice, compromise, and give more than I was able to receive in return. Given that I had a very dysfunctional view of what relationships were about thanks to my mum and stepdad; and dad and his several women; now current 4th wife whom I love, I can't fault myself for my misgivings and misunderstandings.
I became a serial monogamist and spent a good portion of my life in one long-term relationship after another. I stuck out relationships that I knew were unhealthy or destined to fail because that was my lesson learned and thought so little of my own emotional happiness. And given that I couldn't really talk to either of my parents about relationships, everything was a trial and error for me.
At some point in my life, I got sick and tired of all the bs and drama that I decided I needed to withdraw and give something back to myself. I took some much needed time out, worked on myself, and made a decision to want more for myself. That process lasted a little while and I was truly happy for and with myself; well, that lasted as long as I remained single. I once again got into a relationship that had its share of problems and given that I was only as good as I was single; began the toxic cycle.
Between the age of 24 and 38, I was in and out of relationships, love, heartbreak; and added more and more emotional scars to my existing repetoire. It wasn't until Oct of 2006 that I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and took control and stock of my life and emotional well-being.
I entered into a celibate period in my life where I refused to date anyone but myself. I refused to allow myself to be controlled or manipulated into something that wasn't in my best interest. I sought professional help, pastoral assistance, read, prayed, and made a commitment to close the doors of past hurts and create the proverbial clean slate.
I shared my innermost thoughts with only those who I knew would be able to speak to me on a foundation of love and with purpose and intent. I knew and accepted that I would be told things that I didn't want to hear, but knew that the words were being said for my own good. I purged myself from negative thoughts, practices, and toxicity. I began to regard myself as a priority, someone worthy of being loved, and most importantly be able to love/accept/embrace myself for the whole woman I was becoming and currently am. It was no easy fete as learned behaviour is hard to unlearn, but that commitment was made with the intent of being carried out and I continued to grow and mature as each day passed.
In time and with patience, I finally reached my destination and I am who I am now. I know what I do and don't want; what I will and won't do or accept; and I do not allow others to define me or turn me into what they want me to be. I give freely, am fiercely loyal, and am harmless unless provoked; the latter being something that lends favor to the fact that I don't do bullsh*t and drama.
I live and love by some definitive rules and practices and they are deeply rooted in positivity, trust, respect, and communication. I am honest; sometimes to a fault as well as uncensored and candid. I will not sugar coat ish and call it candy just to appease someone. I've spent too much of my life doing this for fear of hurting someone else's feelings while hurting myself in the process. This is a practice that is unacceptable and is not tolerated. While I will not be mean or hurtful, I will speak with truth and explanation as to why I feel how I do. We can very well ultimately agree to disagree, but I will not allow my personal, social, and emotional integrity to be compromised.
One of these days, I'll be ready for a monogamous relationship again, but until then, I'm happily single by choice and when I do date it's because it's what I want to do and with whom I want to share my time with. Our status and intent for social time is clearly defined so no party can say they didn't know. I play know games where I'm not aware of the rules; relationships included. If we're going to be Friends; then that's what we'll be or if we're going to be Friends with Benefits; then that needs to be clearly defined. On-going communication is essential to our progression at any level as it serves as the cornerstone for understanding and growth.
So, as I approach my next new year in September, I am spending some time in review of my expiring year and seeing where I've grown, where I need work, and setting goals/projections of where I see myself next year. It's important for me to always climb the ladder of emotional success in order to be the best person I can be. Being completely and totally happy with myself is not optional; neither is fully loving the woman I am. I've come a long way from the self-esteem compromised girl who allowed herself and relationships circumstances to be a negative factor in her life. I'm a mature, secure, confident, aware, and most importantly whole being. The fractured pieces have finally come together and the view from my eyes is a clear one. Being jaded and disillusioned no longer exists.
Thanks to my Soul Sister for being my muse and giving me an ever growing awareness of self.
Love to live; live to love!
Showing posts with label awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awareness. Show all posts
27 May 2009
22 April 2008
a blast from the past
I was sorting through some old files and came across this poem. Upon reading it, I immediately recalled why I wrote it and this being Sexual Assault Awareness Month; thought it appropriate to share it. It wrote it at a time in my life when I was trying to deal with everything that had happened to me. Looking back on it now, I'm impressed and amazed with myself for having overcome and for the woman I am today.
I am but a ghost that lives a human existence
I am a fleshed being with no substance
I am eyes with no face
I am all and yet nothing.
In this fragile life I live
I ease my way though
Without disturbing the peace
Suffering the pain
Of trials I am not guilty of.
Who is it that sentences me
To such cruel states of indignation
Those of you who allow yourselves
To be the victor of the day
And worse of all
Me for allowing it to take place.
To you I shall cast no stones
I shall carry no malice
For in your time of judgement
You have only yourself to blame.
Blu Jewel 3-23-93
Love!
I am but a ghost that lives a human existence
I am a fleshed being with no substance
I am eyes with no face
I am all and yet nothing.
In this fragile life I live
I ease my way though
Without disturbing the peace
Suffering the pain
Of trials I am not guilty of.
Who is it that sentences me
To such cruel states of indignation
Those of you who allow yourselves
To be the victor of the day
And worse of all
Me for allowing it to take place.
To you I shall cast no stones
I shall carry no malice
For in your time of judgement
You have only yourself to blame.
Blu Jewel 3-23-93
Love!
28 November 2007
Are we any safer?
I was reading a post over at Rosemarie's spot and it brought to light something I've given great thought on, but never really spoke much on in mixed company. I like to travel and travel as often as I can by plane. Since the 9/11 tragedy, taxes and surcharges have been imposed for "safety and precautionary" reasons. In reality, there is no real need for these taxes as all it does for the most part is continue to fiscally rape the consumer. As I said at Rose's spot, I feel no safer now than prior to 9/11. I travelled to Vegas a couple years ago with a folding box cutter in my backpack, which was screened. It was unintentional on my part, but it goes to show that things slip through the crack.
A traveler is inconvenienced more often than not when they travel because they are all but strip searched when they clear security; are forced to report to the airport hours before their flights (to be searched); and the former sense of security of having a family member or friend sit with you before your flight departs has been ripped from us. I, for one, used to love having someone sit with me and then watch me board safely. What about that level of homeland security?
How about not allowing me to bring my 16 ounce bottle of Poland Spring through the "security" line, but force me to buy the same bottle on the other side for twice what I paid for the one I had? How the hell is that even fair, make sense, or make me feel secure? Simply put, it doesn't. While I know and feel that 9/11 was a tragedy of gargantuan proportions, fiscally raping consumers and lying to them that their security and safety is being safeguarded is a crock of shit and a tragedy in and of itself. Did you know that there are pilots who have not had their required amount of rest prior to flying, flying you to destination? Thank God that you arrived without incident. Are you aware that there are as many ways and means as there are plots and schemes to cause harm to someone in a confined space? Not giving a passenger the entire can of soda is a major rip off considering how much money was spent of the ticket in the first place and when you remove the ice from the cup, you're now only getting about two ounces of said beverage in the four ounce cup anyway. What kind of bull crap is that; especially when you're flying damn near across the country? Hell, that in itself will piss a person off and make them want to haul off and smack someone.
I'm appalled at the tactics being used to perpetrate the fraud called Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. It doesn't' take rocket science for one to know that the government and its respective agencies are the biggest terrorists and criminals out there. Check the many scenes in American Gangster where the cops were shaking down drug dealers, cutting the product, and then reselling it. How how they'd steal money instead of turning it in, and then shun the honest cop for doing his job. It's appalling to say the least, that those in positions to protect and serve; rob and steal. But then again, this is a nation that was founded on robbing, rape, and pillage. I don't mean to offend those who truly believe in trust, justice, and the American way, but it is a fact and it's also become a way of life.
Arms are being sold on the black market each and every day to guerillas in South America, war lords in Sierra Leone, and on the streets in major cities across the U.S. Naturally, the types of arms being sold aren't your average garden variety kind, but those issued by the U.S military/government. Check out the movie Lord of War, which will enlighten you as to some little known facts about our illustrious government.
I could go on and on about this subject for days, but I digress. We as a people need to be aware of what it's truly costing us to be "safe". We need to recognize that the (in)Justice Department is very selective about whom they protect and serve. The so-called terrorists that threaten the sanctity of this nation are mostly not from an international source. The arms and drugs that reach the streets in whomever's neighborhood were sourced and/or provided by those who don't have a problem with watching people commit crimes in their respective neighborhoods.
In order to create a safe and secure nation, we must feel safe and secure with those appointed to make nationwide decisons with the best interest of the nation in mind and not their own. Seeing as we know that's not or unlikely to happen, we must educate ourselves on our respective rights; protect ourselves; and remain dilligent about the things happening around us like by finding out notifications are being sent out informing people that cameras are being installed in your neighborhood for example.
A traveler is inconvenienced more often than not when they travel because they are all but strip searched when they clear security; are forced to report to the airport hours before their flights (to be searched); and the former sense of security of having a family member or friend sit with you before your flight departs has been ripped from us. I, for one, used to love having someone sit with me and then watch me board safely. What about that level of homeland security?
How about not allowing me to bring my 16 ounce bottle of Poland Spring through the "security" line, but force me to buy the same bottle on the other side for twice what I paid for the one I had? How the hell is that even fair, make sense, or make me feel secure? Simply put, it doesn't. While I know and feel that 9/11 was a tragedy of gargantuan proportions, fiscally raping consumers and lying to them that their security and safety is being safeguarded is a crock of shit and a tragedy in and of itself. Did you know that there are pilots who have not had their required amount of rest prior to flying, flying you to destination? Thank God that you arrived without incident. Are you aware that there are as many ways and means as there are plots and schemes to cause harm to someone in a confined space? Not giving a passenger the entire can of soda is a major rip off considering how much money was spent of the ticket in the first place and when you remove the ice from the cup, you're now only getting about two ounces of said beverage in the four ounce cup anyway. What kind of bull crap is that; especially when you're flying damn near across the country? Hell, that in itself will piss a person off and make them want to haul off and smack someone.
I'm appalled at the tactics being used to perpetrate the fraud called Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. It doesn't' take rocket science for one to know that the government and its respective agencies are the biggest terrorists and criminals out there. Check the many scenes in American Gangster where the cops were shaking down drug dealers, cutting the product, and then reselling it. How how they'd steal money instead of turning it in, and then shun the honest cop for doing his job. It's appalling to say the least, that those in positions to protect and serve; rob and steal. But then again, this is a nation that was founded on robbing, rape, and pillage. I don't mean to offend those who truly believe in trust, justice, and the American way, but it is a fact and it's also become a way of life.
Arms are being sold on the black market each and every day to guerillas in South America, war lords in Sierra Leone, and on the streets in major cities across the U.S. Naturally, the types of arms being sold aren't your average garden variety kind, but those issued by the U.S military/government. Check out the movie Lord of War, which will enlighten you as to some little known facts about our illustrious government.
I could go on and on about this subject for days, but I digress. We as a people need to be aware of what it's truly costing us to be "safe". We need to recognize that the (in)Justice Department is very selective about whom they protect and serve. The so-called terrorists that threaten the sanctity of this nation are mostly not from an international source. The arms and drugs that reach the streets in whomever's neighborhood were sourced and/or provided by those who don't have a problem with watching people commit crimes in their respective neighborhoods.
In order to create a safe and secure nation, we must feel safe and secure with those appointed to make nationwide decisons with the best interest of the nation in mind and not their own. Seeing as we know that's not or unlikely to happen, we must educate ourselves on our respective rights; protect ourselves; and remain dilligent about the things happening around us like by finding out notifications are being sent out informing people that cameras are being installed in your neighborhood for example.
01 May 2007
What I haven't done lately!
In the past few months, one of the many resident voices in my head keeps asking me when I'm going to start volunteering? I have no real excuse why I haven't started sooner other than I simply haven't. While my intention is good, it's just that; an intention. I need to birth it from an intention into an action. Through another blogger Xavier,(his blog is private), I learned that April was Sexual Abuse Awarenss Month. Through another blogger j.a.c I learned about Denim Day, which is about rape prevention and awareness. Oh, and I can't forget Terry and his post A Woman's Darkness. Each of these bloggers posted much needed information and awareness to educate us regarding sexual abuse and rape; a subject few want to talk about. The statistics on this virus running rampant in our society are actually inaccurate because they can only report what was reported to them. The fact, is that many do not report rape, sexual abuse, and/or sexual assault.
More than we even realize, we know someone who's been a victim of one of these heinous acts. Some had the strength and courage to report it while others did not. It's easy to say that it should be reported, but for those who have done some research know, society only rapes and abuses the victim all over again. Equally sad are the many men who've been sexually victimized who do not report their crime.
The point I'm trying to make here is that the voice in my head says, "Blu, you need to be there for someone who's going through this trauma. You need to lend your ear, a warm hug, or just your presence, so they are not alone. Blu, you can and will make a difference to someone; somewhere." To this voice I humbly and willingly concede. I know it's my calling to do this and with all of the recent posts I've read and from being a survivor I know I can and will make a difference. So, today I openly make the committment to make some calls and find out where I can lend my services and today will be the day I can say, I've given of myself as Christ has given for me. Amen? Amen!
More than we even realize, we know someone who's been a victim of one of these heinous acts. Some had the strength and courage to report it while others did not. It's easy to say that it should be reported, but for those who have done some research know, society only rapes and abuses the victim all over again. Equally sad are the many men who've been sexually victimized who do not report their crime.
The point I'm trying to make here is that the voice in my head says, "Blu, you need to be there for someone who's going through this trauma. You need to lend your ear, a warm hug, or just your presence, so they are not alone. Blu, you can and will make a difference to someone; somewhere." To this voice I humbly and willingly concede. I know it's my calling to do this and with all of the recent posts I've read and from being a survivor I know I can and will make a difference. So, today I openly make the committment to make some calls and find out where I can lend my services and today will be the day I can say, I've given of myself as Christ has given for me. Amen? Amen!
25 April 2007
Maintaining Face
Ever run into someone you wished you’d never see again in life? I just experienced that. I ran into my best friends ex-girlfriend. I walked into the break area and there she was staring into the vending machine. I concealed my shock with good face and greeted her with a cheery disposition. We exchanged the usual formalities as I quickly washed my bowl and filled my cup for tea.
Seeing as I’m a woman of character, I played nice and went on with my business though a part of me wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth for even speaking to me. Ever find yourself in that position? Where you want to just ask the person what the heck they were thinking when they did what they did? That feeling rolled up on me like a ninja as I continued to smile gracefully and not compromise myself as a woman or a professional seeing as this occurred at the jay-o.
The flashback of the hell she took my boy through leading up to their breakup, raced with mach speed through my mind. She did him dirty plain and simple and the effects were devastating for him considering he’d bought a ring and was preparing to pop the question. Seeing my boy, who’s the epitome of the Alpha Male with all his machismo cry, was more than I could handle; so you know I’ve got no love for the girl. Whatever their problems were was their business, but when I became aware of the levels of shade being thrown his way, that’s when his business became my business.
All of this happened two years ago and I’ve forgiven her in my mind, but trust that I haven’t forgotten. Seeing her reminded me that I’m not petty though and how much I've matured since then (trust and believe I wanted to put the Tims in that ass). I held my head high, did and greet, and went on with my business. I wondered if she gave any thought to what seeing me made her feel, but honestly I don’t think I care. She had to reconcile with herself and God for what she did, while I was the friend he needed to get through it.
Life/people throw many curve balls you’re way, but when you maintain a good countenance and have integrity and content of character, you can bat your way though it. As I write about it, I think it was actually kind of funny and I wish I could have seen the look on my face, but from what my friend told me who was with her, it was priceless.
Seeing as I’m a woman of character, I played nice and went on with my business though a part of me wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth for even speaking to me. Ever find yourself in that position? Where you want to just ask the person what the heck they were thinking when they did what they did? That feeling rolled up on me like a ninja as I continued to smile gracefully and not compromise myself as a woman or a professional seeing as this occurred at the jay-o.
The flashback of the hell she took my boy through leading up to their breakup, raced with mach speed through my mind. She did him dirty plain and simple and the effects were devastating for him considering he’d bought a ring and was preparing to pop the question. Seeing my boy, who’s the epitome of the Alpha Male with all his machismo cry, was more than I could handle; so you know I’ve got no love for the girl. Whatever their problems were was their business, but when I became aware of the levels of shade being thrown his way, that’s when his business became my business.
All of this happened two years ago and I’ve forgiven her in my mind, but trust that I haven’t forgotten. Seeing her reminded me that I’m not petty though and how much I've matured since then (trust and believe I wanted to put the Tims in that ass). I held my head high, did and greet, and went on with my business. I wondered if she gave any thought to what seeing me made her feel, but honestly I don’t think I care. She had to reconcile with herself and God for what she did, while I was the friend he needed to get through it.
Life/people throw many curve balls you’re way, but when you maintain a good countenance and have integrity and content of character, you can bat your way though it. As I write about it, I think it was actually kind of funny and I wish I could have seen the look on my face, but from what my friend told me who was with her, it was priceless.
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