03 June 2009

Suicide is not an option!

In light of the many negative experiences I’ve had, it’s anyone’s guess how I managed to survive without the use of drugs, alcohol, or being promiscuous, but I’m happy to say I have. From sexual, physical, and emotional abuse to the endurance toxic relationships and self-inflicted cutting, I’ve looked back on my life with awe. I recall so many times when I wondered, “how the heck am I going to make it through this?”, but somehow I did. And although I had a sometimes contentious relationship with religion, I always understood The Word and how important faith and prayer was. Even in my darkest hours, my spirituality and faith guided me and it was that blind walk that led me through. As it’s said, “walk by faith and not by sight”.

When I made the revelation that I used to cut myself, those that I told thought I was somehow trying to kill myself; that was not the case. I was instead trying to kill the pain I felt and the conflicted feelings, which often ran through my veins with a hold worse than heroin. I’ve finally healed that issue in my life and it’s been close to 5 years (I think...I stopped counting) since I last cut myself. Even better than that, I don’t even have the desire to digress as I refuse to allow anything or anyone to stress me that badly. I’m blessed to have a really good foundation of support to rest on when my own footing is weak.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize and recognize that suicide in any form is not an option. We all find ways to ‘kill’ ourselves and it must stop. We must find ways to reduce and eliminate pain in our lives. We must find a spiritual place to release ourselves and find the strength to go on and endure. We must get out of relationships platonic or intimate that bring no real joy or substance to our lives; stop holding onto people that simply aren’t worthy of you, your love, or your time. Although this economy doesn’t afford many to find alternative employment, so if you have to remain in a position you don’t like, find a way to make it work for you instead of you for it. There is no encore for life; this is it so adhere to the following:

Birth Certificates show that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

How many pictures do you have?

This prayer was in my Daily Devotional today…

God of abundance, thank you for your grace. How great are all the blessings that fill our lives! Amen.

I find it completely appropriate for not only this post, but for life as a whole. And when you need a spiritual boost; this song will give you some support, joy, and guidance.

Can't Give Up Now - Mary Mary

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn’t fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

[Hook:]No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me (so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Love to live; live to love!


QueenBee said...

Girl you said a mouth full. We are always holding on to something that doesn't mean anything to us. We can ask ourselves why all day long, and will never find the answer which is right in front of us all the time. God has a way of showing us things and we look right past it because we are so stuck on "doing it my way." I'm glad you have that connection with God to finally see that light.

LadyLee said...

"We must find ways to reduce and eliminate pain in our lives."

That is what's key right there. And do it in a way that's going to afford a good result.

Excellent post.

Her Side said...

Bravo! First of all, I love that Mary Mary song. It got me through a divorce. A classic for me.

Secondly, I am so taken in by the honesty it required to talk about your trials, including the cutting. I used to bruise my arms and legs when I was younger. I simply hated myself, and would take out that feeling on myself. Thank God they were small and DYFS was just getting started! LOL

What a difference time makes... time filled with the love and opportunity given by our heavenly Father.

Great post!

chele said...

The only way we can survive is to take responsibility for own well-being. It's up to us to love, nurture and care for ourselves. If we don't, certainly no one else will.

Blu Jewel said...

@Queen Bee - It's more than obvious that we as humans are our own worst enemies. When we look within, reach out to God, and then let Him in; we'll see that there is so much more out there for us.

@LadyLee - So many of us are too scared, embarassed, or unwilling to make progressive steps as if being miserable is such a wonderful thing. To be and do better, we must face that which makes us afraid and seek to conquer it.

@Her Side - Girl, that song is the truth; period! I love every note of it and especially love it when I need that boost. Just as I've overcome cutting, I'm happy to hear you've stop hurting yourself too. It's amazing how we internalize things. Time married to growth and the willingness to be maked is definitely good medicine.

@Chele - Agreed! It's just a shame how many people relinquish that to others and then they wonder how they got to where they are.

Love to live; live to love!

Ruthibelle said...

Don't give up, hun! Don't you ever give up!

MOMSWEB said...

Much needed post for today's world! God bless you for your transparency. I have a young friend who shared with me that she cuts and this post has helped me tremendously. Have a joyful day!

Blu Jewel said...

@Ruthibelle - And that's why I said, suicide in any form in NOT optional.

@ Momsweb - If there is anything I can do to assist, please email me at blujewel@comcast.net.

love to live; live to love!

BZ said...

This is as very powerful post and I thank you for sharing it with us. Intimate details of our lives--that we hold secret for so long--are tremendously difficult to share. But, the pain that drives those secrets is exactly why it's so important we share them. Thank you, my big sis to the south. Thank you.

Never the victim. Always victorious!


Anonymous said...

Thanking God for your victory and the ability to be transparent. Praise the Lord, many lives will be changed!

I caught a few episodes of Intervention recently and one of them was a young girl who also cut her body. Her story was a heartbreaker, but in the end, she also experienced victory.