24 August 2009

On loving ourselves

The following was borne of something I wrote to a friend. Some parts have been removed as it was directed toward her; however the story could relate to any one of us.

Your own dysfunctional relationship with your mother made it subconsciously easy for you to overcompensate for her shortcomings by being 1) an excellent mother yourself and 2) your desire to mother others and shelter them from harm. This ideology is in fact quite harmful as it subjects you both to a relationship that is ill-balanced and it compensates one dysfunction for another.

"We create a space for healing when we exercise the courage to look at how our own anger and resentment make us withhold love and behave badly".p134

Although he can say he loves you, his actions are not affirmations of said love. He fails to see that fueling power of his emotions is anger based and while he is actually capable of giving love; there's a fine line between his anger and his love. His verbal love is short lived when something disrupts his perceived comfort zone. And the fact that his life has been centered around you; with little or no personal/social outlets that his for/about him, it makes it even easier for angry outbursts to occur. The role of alcohol in his life will also fuel the pre-existing fire that resides within.

"It's easy to fall into the trap of depending on others for the love, understanding, and admiration we all crave, rather than creating them in our relationship with ourself, and brining the joy in self-fulfillment to our partnerships. When joy is missing in our life, it's missing in our relationships, in our homes, and communities".p135

It's on this premise that he resides. He seeks what he lacks within himself in and from you. He puts you on a pedestal and showers you with what he is should be giving to himself. His lack of self love and trust gets over compensated in the relationship and when you demonstrate your independence; it disrupts his world, and because he thought that you should return in kind; is now compromised. He feels that because he has made you his personal trophy that you should likewise to do the same. This is a classic mode of operation for a hurt soul.

"Even when parents and partners do terrible things, they are just trying in unskillful ways to make their lives work". P135

And it's in this vein that he must seek to improve his life/circumstances or he will always be in a perpetual state of discourse and cause said discourse in the lives of those they claim to love.

"Not every couple that gets together is meant to stay together. When you're not where God wants you to be, life shakes you up so you'll move to a better place". P135

It's at that point of discovery when the leaving party must assess themselves to see what, when, why, and how there are finding themselves in relationships that follow a repeated or repeatable negative pattern. This tends to be a hard concept to many to accept that fact/knowledge even when we know without a shadow of doubt it's true. We still strive to find some shred of evidence that says we should find a way to keep this person in our life. While this is a noble concept; it's still a self-deluding one. When we refuse to let someone go, we're not only holding ourself back, we're holding the other back too because we're putting a road block in an essential growth element in both parties development. . "Growth mean change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown" The Shack To many are afraid of the unknown to venture out; however without this risk, there will be little or no room for growth and the opportunity for change is greatly reduced; thus, leaving you in the same crippled mind frame.

For love; real love of self before another to manifest, a thorough cleansing and healing must occur. "broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them."
The Shack

Relationships; good or bad are an intricate part of the journey we take in life and for many; we all seek to love and be loved; however, when we lack the proper tools to do so, we fail miserably. We all imagine ourselves to be whole and able; however, it's what we do and not always what we say that tells the real story.

"We may be masterful at deceiving ourselves, but in all intimate interaction the unresolved feeling and fears we may have buried will surface".p137

A spiritual relationship must become an intrinsic part of one's journey to true awareness and wholeness. The Divine created us; it's at the core of us and it's through that relationship that we will have a real idea and connection to what real love is. We have to trust in Divine Love in order to establish Loves Divine. Reaching deep within and offering oneself to the source of love establishes faith and trust in The One who'll always be there to guide our path.

"Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading" The Shack

"For something to move from death to life, you must introduce something living and moving into the mix". The Shack

If this sacred interference does not occur, all past hurts (death) will always have more power/control over any living relationship and the love will never truly be love at all. The emotional demons must be excised from the recesses of our emotional core in order for the wellspring of love to thrive as a living entity.

"We're operating with negative feelings brought from another time and place, associated with a whole separate set of issues. We can't create anything good with leftovers from the past". P140

It's important to go back and address the issues of the past as it's the only way to prevent history from repeating itself; however, once that journey has been made, the past must be left very much in the past. The present is an extremely sacred and palatial place and can only be well-lived when the past's portal is closed. Progressive move to the present has to be self-lived. No one can make it happen for anyone else. Each person has to want his/her own loving environment and know not only how to create it, but to sustain it. Without the ability to love who we are, there is truly no way to love another. No one is responsible for our well-being but us.

"When we're sweet on ourselves; we're sweet on others. From an unhappy place, nothing satisfies. From a happy place, common sense prevails. We see clearly that we were born to love, not judge, and that it's not our job to fix anyone but ourselves". P140

NOTE: All page number references come from the book, All About Love, by Susan L. Taylor. The remaining references were taken from The Shack.

Love to live; live to love!


Anonymous said...

Beth Moore a Christian writer, teacher, and speaker has snippets on a local radio station and the other day her words were few, but powerful.

I hear you echoing what I heard verbatim, but in your own voice.

She said something like this…

“Being victimized is serious, and we should be cognizant that this can perpetuate unhealthy behaviors in us and in every relationship. She ended with a prayer that was forthright about breaking those chains to be free from that kind of thinking, actions, or reactions.”


MOMSWEB said...

Sooo, when is YOUR book coming out?

Blu Jewel said...

@Believer - I'm being shown in so many ways that things I think and feel deeply about are coming to be with such clarity. Knowing that I'm echoing other poignant people inspires me even more and shows me that my voice is a lot more powerful than I've given credit to. He is truly using and moving me.

@Mom - You truly are an inspiration. This is not the first time you've said that in a comment. I can't answer that, but trust me I'll let you know when it's in the works.

Love to live; live to love

Keith said...

Hard as it may seem...Self Love is the hardest thing to acheive...and it is probably the number one reason why some people fail so miserably in their relationships with others. They can't love themselves and can't really love anyone else.

Blu Jewel said...

@ Keith - So true and at least you understand what should be common knowledge by now.

Love to live; live to love!