12 August 2009

A what I know for sure moment...

The expression, "when someone shows you who they are, pay attention" reigns supreme in how I decide your role in my life. As I've previously said, I take friendships seriously and am fully committed to their maintenance and sustainment once entered into. What I will not do is make excuses for ones behaviour and allow said person to run a mock in my life with words that have no supporting action.

I allowed, what I thought would be a fun and engaging friendship to form in my life, which to its credit did start out on good footing; however, over time it's become something that fails to resemble a friendship at all. I do understand the complexities of platonic vs. intimate relationships when it involves the opposite sex, but with careful, open, honest, and real communication, a balance can be established; however in this instance it did not.

I established from day one that I was not ready for an intimate relationship and that I wanted to chill and hang out. No, I'm not talking about Friends with Benefits (FWBs), just two people hanging out and enjoying each others company. He said, he was cool with that and was able to chill with me on equal ground...JUST FRIENDS! Suffice it to say, he caught feelings and an abrupt left turn in Albuquerque promptly followed.

Given that I actually gave a damn about him and our newly formed friendship, I called to inquire about his sudden change of behaviour and lack of communication. We discussed it and I suggested that he take whatever time out he needed, but effective communication still needed to be a place holder as NO relationship can be sustained without it. He agreed!

Weeks past and then months, and I found myself the recipient of his talk, with no action. This is a no-no in my books and borders on being a deal breaker. I have no time for settling because it appeases someone's hypersensitivity as its taxing and toxic. I once again, expressed my concerns over his behaviour and lack of actions and was given this long; drawn out explanation, which quite frankly sounded like sugar-coated shit disguised as candy. I'd had enough!

He picked the wrong time of year and the wrong woman to think that syrupy sounding words, frosted with whipped bullshit, and sprinkles of "but I love you and miss you" that sound more like profanity instead of words of affection would actually woo me. There is nothing worse than hearing those words knowing that they're empty, defiled and being used as a magnet to draw me back in. Sorry, I'm 1) not that pressed for affection, 2) easily swayed by words that are just words, and 3) in need of a friendship that really isn't a friendship at all.

I've come to the conclusion that he showed me pretty early on who he was and initially he was genuine; and in fact may very well still be; however, just because he's a good person; doesn't make him good for me. Our friendship was ill-matched and laden with things that would escalate from one deal breaker to another. What I know for sure is that no amount of honesty on my part could have prepared me for the position I ended up putting myself in when I realized that his feelings were manifesting. In spite of trying to maintain communication, it's obvious he's not used to the kind of woman I am and doesn't see how important communication is in any and all relationships.

One last thing I know for sure is that I'm not going to settle for someone/thing that doesn't bode well in my life. Nostalgia has no place in what it really means to have a functional friendship. Red flags are not to be ignored. If the issue can be mitigated; then I'm all for it and am willing to forge on; however, when the flag continues to fly high, it's time to walk away....And so it is and so shall it be!

Love to live; live to love!


Hawa said...

OMG. I know exactly who you're talking about.

::high five::

He put himself on shaky ground and couldn't handle the gem you are. He. Ain't. Ready. Fo. DIS. lol

You know I am dealing with my own "when people show you who they are..." situation. In my case, it was a romantic relationship, so the tearing away has been difficult. He couldn't hold it together, and my energy for it is totally depleted. Downgraded to "friend," but on the way out da door.

Love you girl!

TheTinyJEWELBox said...

it takes a mature person to realize that they are about to "settle." kudos to you for realizing it and nipping it in the bud. never let someone be your priority while you are only their option...

Keith said...

Oh My God...you are hitting home with these posts BJ..Where have I been all of this time??

I was in a simular situation..been in several to tell you the truth..

I hide a lot of what I've gone through in the past (before wifey)in some of my stories in

But everything you said about people showing you who they are and paying attention hit home with me.

Keith said...

I have a question though..do you think that in time you can ever speak to him again? Is there a chance to repair this? I'm curious!

MOMSWEB said...

Amen, sister friend. Life is waaaay to short, however, Keith has a good question...do we write him off or give him a second chance at friendship? People come into our lives for various reasons and sometimes it isn't all about what we receive from a relationship. Just a thought!

Blu Jewel said...

@Hawa - Yes, he most certainly put himself on shaky ground and his stability in my life requires words that equal action. I feel you on your situation because it is hard to turn your back on a friendship with a former love, but again, folk show you who they are and we have to listen.

@Tiny Jewel - thanks for the visit and comment. Priorities aren't options in my world, so I agree with you on that.

@Keith - I guess our lives have crossed similar paths. I'm just writing from my heart and this is how I feel. As for will I speak with him again, I sent an email and it's up to him to respond yay or nay. As I said, his actions and aren't synching, but I'll update should there be a change.

@Mom - As I said to Keith, I've reached out for the last time and it's up to him to make a move. He's actually been given more chances than I would ordinarily give, so that shows I did try.

Love to live; live to love!

Mizrepresent said...

Can i just say...gurl i love you and nothing more...we are just so much alike an our journey is so identical. I identify with this so much and support your decision. Blu...lady/sis thank you my friend.

Rich Fitzgerald said...

This brings back memories. I used to see people through colored lenses as opposed to how they presented themselves. That definitely isn't the case anymore.

Strongblkwmn said...

I just stopped communicating with a friend because she showed me who she really was when I needed her. It's not an easy thing to do. I'm just glad i'm finally in a place in my life where I don't feel like I have to hold on to friends just because they're friends.

Terry said...

I have a whole slew of things to say about this but I won’t. You and I are close enough you know my opinion anyhow.

Now, at the risk of pissing you off, I’m going to speak on something you have instructed me to never speak of. But it’s important so you just have to go with it.

I’m talking to anyone who may read this. B.J. and I have been friends for years...years! She is one of my closest confidants. As I have mentioned time and time in my own blog, she is one of a hand full of women in the world who can call me an ass-hole and get away with it. More important, she’s one of the women in the world who can call me an ass-hole and it actually means something to me. Probably THE woman.

Friendships are very important to her and she does draw her lines clearly. She will not set back and allow things to happen that she does not want to happen. She has rules and if you can’t follow them you will suffer the repercussions. Men in general...have a hard time with a woman like that.

Friendships, real friendship, are hard to come by. And keeping them is often even harder. But with someone like Blu, the fastest way to end that friendship, is to stop communicating. Blu likes communicating, probably because she good at it. I can go weeks without talking to her, pick up the phone, and it’s like we spoke an hour ago. Our friendship has never been clouded and is always up front. She knows I’m a moody bastard and knows when to call me on it. She communicates...well, and expects the same.

While none of this was the grass roots point of her post it’s important to understand her subject matter is clear. You have to actually TALK to your friends. Otherwise, you’re just an acquaintance.

Thank you for being my friend Blu, and more importantly, thank you for keeping me sane.

Anonymous said...

Well said Blu..

Solomon said...

I am like you, I will never settle. If folk are giving me the run around it's time to show them the door.

lulu said...

'never let someone be your priority while you are only their option.' that got me! i have been here so many times and yeah totally agree with you on that quote

Sleek said...

Story of man-woman 'platonic' relationships...Good thing you stuck to your guns; we can be schemers like that

Anonymous said...

You are in a league all your own. It's a no BS world and most men can't hang. Only those who are confident and comfortable in their manhood could be in your company.

As far as your friend having "feelings" for you outside your friendship, this may be true. You are the total package!

While the friendship didn't work out, I sure hope there was something positive that came from it.

B2B said...

Do you always have to make so much Sense Bluey!
I love the way you have made it clear to some of us hangers-on about priorities and then some...
If i had met you 20 years ago however, it would have been a different story!
Loved the post

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