28 April 2010

where do i even begin?

It's funny; actually it's not, how life takes sudden turns that exceed the normal left turns in Albuquerque and leave you stranded on life's highway saying, "what happened, and how the hell did I get here?"

Well, of late that's been the state of my existence. I woke up one morning and found out that I was one of the many people who would be laid off due to the company losing the contract. I was neither shocked nor disappointed as I knew it had nothing to do with my work performance; however, the prospect of being unemployed didn't sit well with me as I like working. I did consider how long it would take me to become re-employed? Did I have enough saved as not to touch my IRA? And what would I do with my now abundance of free time?

I used the time to take on an autobiographical writing project that I've been encouraged to write for some time now. It began with some ease, but I hit a couple of roadblocks and put said project on hold. Shortly before I decided to take it on again, another spin out occurred...I was informed that someone who had a major roll in my life died suddenly and since that fateful day, my life has been somewhat of a blur.

As much as I want to go back to work, I realize that the timing of my job loss and the life loss afforded me the time to handle affairs that have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I have a gaping wide whole in my life and heart right now and have no idea how/when it'll close. Time heals they say, but I don't want time to heal a damn thing, I just want to hit rewind and get back what should still be here anyway.

Anger, pain, and frustration aside, I strive to move forward and embrace life and living a lot stronger/harder than I did before. I'm looking at life more closely and effectively because losing my recently turned 46 year influential person showed me that we don't know how/when our life will be over and we've got to find and hold on to things of substance; release ourselves from the drama/pain/toxicity and live and make things possible.

Those who know of my loss, tell me that I'm a strong woman and that I can get through this, but what if I don't want to be strong? What if I want or need to be weak? Does anyone ever consider that? Do people really think that just because one is perceived to be strong that they can handle all the shit the life drops in their life? Uhm? I'll take "no, for a thousand Alex!" Yes, I've overcome a lot of pain, adversity, and generally being screwed over and shit on in my life; all of which I can say I've gotten over; at least for the most part. But this, my dear readers, is not something I'm going to simply "get over". I'm not going to wake up one morning and think that his loss was a good thing. I'm not going to be stronger because he's gone. My strength doesn't make a Super Woman; all it does and has done is make me find alternative ways to deal with the crap. This not so much! I hate that he's gone! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!!!!

The ONLY summation I can give to this is that God must have one heck of a plan for me and that He's going to bless me with something amazing. All of these trials are the polishing tools to bring me to my most refined and ready point to receive His blessing. I have opened my heart and mind to this thought because I believe it and because it's the only thing that makes sense of the sudden changes in my life.

Well, that's all folks! I haven't re read this so I haven't a clue if it makes sense or follows any logical sequence, which would be in total keeping with my life.

It's all possible (whatever IT is)


Anonymous said...

Time alone doesn't heal, but with the help of safe and sane folk, you'll begin again with hope and vigor for tomorrow.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been where you are not too long ago the end of 2009 asking, "How did I get here?" While going through misery every day I wondered about the testimony.

I'm here to tell you that the testimony is pouring out of me.

I pray that your strength is not your own. (Eph 6:10}

I'm here if you need me!


LadyLee said...

This post made perfect sense... I see a woman in the process of healing. Let that process take it's course, as I know you will.

Keep your head up, hon... Hugs from me too...

Mizrepresent said...

Hi Sis,

So glad to hear from you again but so sorry for your loss. I know without a doubt you will get through this as planned and your blessings will be abundant. In Jesus name i pray. Amen.

Basiks said...

Thanks for sharing Ms. Jewel!
I can not imagine what you is hustling with...
But your deep confidence in the Lord shall help!
a phone call sometime just to hear your voice is recommended!
Will email!

Blu Jewel said...

@Believer - Thank you for your words of support and the scripture reference from one of my favourite books.

@Double L - I'm working toward that healing, but as I said, it's not easy. I will; however, keep moving forward.

@Miz - My sweet Soul Sister, I've thought of you often in the recent months and wondered if we were once again paralleled in our experiences, but this is one I would not want for you. Thank you for your well wishes.

@Basiks - Thank you! I feel like an octopus with the many things I'm juggling, but as you said, my faith is certainly of help.

ALL - I appreciate each of you for your respective words and encouragement.

It's all possible! (it better be!!)

SLC said...

Hey sis. I only read this once and I understood perfectly. But I know I've got issues so that may not be a good sign. Strength is not a stiff upper lip. Strength is bawling like a baby if that's what you need.

Your realness with yourself and especially with God is admirable, and the reason you'll get all the Heavenly things God's got for you, even if it feels like you took a hellacious detour.

Thanks for the inspiration

Luv said...

you should know from reading my stuff that i totally understand what you are saying.

and i say to you, it is okay to sit for awhile and sort out your feelings, to be mad, to be confused, to be angry, and even to feel lost. just don't sit for 10 years like me.

i am at work reading this and i didn't mind that i had tears rolling down my face. even strong people need to rest and be refreshed or they won't be able to be strong again.

thanks for sharing..look forward to hearing from you whenever you have the urge to write again.

was the person you speak of your HIM?

Keith said...

God takes something away in order to give us something even better..
However in the case of people we lose, I don't know if the same rule applies. These are indeed strange times BJ...So sorry to hear about your job and even sorrier to hear about your friend..

Stay in Prayer and I will stay in prayer for you too! This too will

Blu Jewel said...

@SLC - You've said EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you for your sage words and encouragement. I've got to hold on to something tangible right now and my faith it it.

@Luv - Always brings a smile to my face when you drop by. Thank you so very, very much for your empathy. And no, I won't let it take 10 yrs. No, the he in this case is Lil Lady's daddy.

@Keith - Losing a job I enjoyed is the least of my concerns right now; having to move forward without Lil Lady's daddy sucks in ways unspeakable. That's a loss that is deep rooted not just for me, but for her also.

It's all possible!

chele said...

I recently removed my so-called "brave face" too. It's exhausting. Sometimes I just want to sit and wallow and that's what I did and it felt so good afterward.

T.C. said...

Being strong doesn't mean you don't have feelings that you can't greeve or be sad or shattered at times...being strong is that in time it won't heal or go away but you'll come to terms with it all and find inner peace...that's strength...

you have every right to feel weak to want to cry, scream but angry whatever you need to feel, feel it because YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT...

and like you said GOD always has a plan and he's always right there!

Matthew 28:20, "lou, I am with you always even until the end of the earth"