where do i even begin?

It's funny; actually it's not, how life takes sudden turns that exceed the normal left turns in Albuquerque and leave you stranded on life's highway saying, "what happened, and how the hell did I get here?"

Well, of late that's been the state of my existence. I woke up one morning and found out that I was one of the many people who would be laid off due to the company losing the contract. I was neither shocked nor disappointed as I knew it had nothing to do with my work performance; however, the prospect of being unemployed didn't sit well with me as I like working. I did consider how long it would take me to become re-employed? Did I have enough saved as not to touch my IRA? And what would I do with my now abundance of free time?

I used the time to take on an autobiographical writing project that I've been encouraged to write for some time now. It began with some ease, but I hit a couple of roadblocks and put said project on hold. Shortly before I decided to take it on again, another spin out occurred...I was informed that someone who had a major roll in my life died suddenly and since that fateful day, my life has been somewhat of a blur.

As much as I want to go back to work, I realize that the timing of my job loss and the life loss afforded me the time to handle affairs that have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I have a gaping wide whole in my life and heart right now and have no idea how/when it'll close. Time heals they say, but I don't want time to heal a damn thing, I just want to hit rewind and get back what should still be here anyway.

Anger, pain, and frustration aside, I strive to move forward and embrace life and living a lot stronger/harder than I did before. I'm looking at life more closely and effectively because losing my recently turned 46 year influential person showed me that we don't know how/when our life will be over and we've got to find and hold on to things of substance; release ourselves from the drama/pain/toxicity and live and make things possible.

Those who know of my loss, tell me that I'm a strong woman and that I can get through this, but what if I don't want to be strong? What if I want or need to be weak? Does anyone ever consider that? Do people really think that just because one is perceived to be strong that they can handle all the shit the life drops in their life? Uhm? I'll take "no, for a thousand Alex!" Yes, I've overcome a lot of pain, adversity, and generally being screwed over and shit on in my life; all of which I can say I've gotten over; at least for the most part. But this, my dear readers, is not something I'm going to simply "get over". I'm not going to wake up one morning and think that his loss was a good thing. I'm not going to be stronger because he's gone. My strength doesn't make a Super Woman; all it does and has done is make me find alternative ways to deal with the crap. This not so much! I hate that he's gone! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!!!!

The ONLY summation I can give to this is that God must have one heck of a plan for me and that He's going to bless me with something amazing. All of these trials are the polishing tools to bring me to my most refined and ready point to receive His blessing. I have opened my heart and mind to this thought because I believe it and because it's the only thing that makes sense of the sudden changes in my life.


Well, that's all folks! I haven't re read this so I haven't a clue if it makes sense or follows any logical sequence, which would be in total keeping with my life.

It's all possible (whatever IT is)

On Forgiveness - Sins of a Mother

"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake." Matthew 5:11

I refer to this scripture because I hold it very near and dear to my heart and life. Why? Because throughout my life there have been people who have spoken ill against me or have chosen to persecute me for their own gain. Yes, we've all had moments in our lives where someone has been less than loving in their actions or speech to us, but when your own mother is the one speaking ill of you and thus, persecuting you, there is a very big problem.

At various points in my life, my mother has spoken ill about me based on speculation, assumption, or from jealously. Note that my mother harbours a level of residual anger and bitterness that has lasted over 4 decades and she's yet to let it go. I, on the other hand, have gotten over said anger/bitterness and have put full closure on old hurts. I'm not sure if that's actually the root of why she speaks ill of me and seeing as I've never asked, I'm still none the wiser. In addition, I've accomplished much in my life that she's either wanted to do or was never able to do, so maybe that's a part of it too.

In spite of her many shortcomings in her parental and motherly role, I will give credit where credit it due. She's strong, independent, and very able. She's not afraid of hard work and has fulfilled the joke of Jamaicans working many jobs. She's never counted on a man to sustain her and to date continues to work while her husband; my stepfather took an early retirement almost a decade ago. She came though for me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through my treatment and surgeries. It's credit I will never take from her; however, it still doesn't erase that she feels it's okay to defile me for no apparent reason.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ²"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."^a]">[a] ⁴Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:1-5

I refer to this scripture because in the midst of my mother berating and defiling me, she referred to said scripture, but only the first and second verse. How convenient.

I digress...The point I'm making is how easy it is for people; in this case my mother, to speak about what she doesn't know. Little does my mother know that I'm a sexual abuse and a rape survivor. Why doesn't she know? 1) because she didn't pay enough attention to me to notice a change in my behaviour, 2) I spared her from such knowledge, and 3) I didn't trust her enough to feel comfortable telling her. I spent a little over 3 decades of my life self-mutilated and bordered on an eating disorder. There are these and many other things that I've spared her from knowing, yet, she regards me as some relationship reject. How she can do is astounds me when she remains in a loveless marriage and they simply coexist because neither had the balls to get out of it. But because I divorced my ex-husband and am currently single, she sees me as wasting my life. The fact is, I'd rather continue to be single and happy than to settle just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Out of her children, I'm the only one with a college education; a career, and has a mortgage. Even though I didn't remain with Lil Lady's father, I never disparaged him in front of her or made her feel like she had to chose between one of us or the other; things that I was subjected growing up. I graduated from Basic Training in the top 10 percent of the class and I went through Basic with males AND females, which is a military rarity as they do not typically mix genders.

Again, I digress. It's apparent there is much to be said about this situation, but I'm trying to remain on topic. Here goes...

Last Saturday, my mother took it upon herself to defame me to my twin cousin. She went on and and on about how I didn't do this or that, or how I've squandered my life, and how she never wanted this or that for me. Not once, she she consider that what she was doing was and is wrong. Not only was she speaking ill of her only daughter, she was speaking ill of me to a cousin (on my father's side) that she'd only met once before and with whom I'm extremely close. My cousin tried to interject and defend me, but my mother didn't want to hear it until finally my cousin found a way to flip the conversation.

My cousin was hurt and disgusted and had to remain silent until I'd returned home to tell me what happened. We spent the better part of an hour talking about it and deciding how it should be handled. The next morning I called her to say that I was okay albiet still confused and upset, but I was confident the church service would make me feel better. As I sat in church contemplating whether or not to testify on it, I finally did and it actually felt good to release it in order to work through it. The service was on point and I began to feel my spirit take course. For the duration of the week, my cousin and I prayed, read the word, and meditated on how we should deal with both the situation and my mother. By the end of the week, we realized that no matter what my mother said or why she said it, was on her. It was not our issue and we should not allow it to affect us. It doesn't matter what my mother thinks of me, I know I'm a good person, I've worked hard without compromising myself to get where I am now, and for the negative words of one, there are many who can speak to the contrary.

It was a hard week and it took a long time to come to a place of true peace and full forgiveness. I'm completely comfortable in the approach that I took and I'm not going to carry the baggage of another as mine. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about the forgiver.

I've said all of this to say, that we must look beyond the situation and seek a solution. We must consider the cause and effect of what we're facing and see what would truly be gained or lost with confrontation. Forgiving isn't easy, but doing the right thing never is.

It's all possible!

Open Letter #1 - Dear Self

Dear Self:

You've come from the valleys to the mountains peak and there is no turning back. You have overcome so much and your are a shining example of God's grace, favour and mercy for those who remain vigilant and faithful. You are the victory as are no longer a victim and every trial you faced, you found a triumph in it. No lesson; no matter how ugly or painful was a bad one as you learned from it and walked away with clarity and understanding.

You've embraced life and live it to it's full potential. You are a role model for those who need one and you pride yourself in your spiritual walk as you know it's the best path to be on. While you may trip or stagger; heck, you may even fall, but as long as you get back up and continue to ask Father to bless and keep you, your bruises will not last.

You are a whole, complete, and sustained woman who knows her place in this world and knows that everything done with purpose and intent on a foundation of love will flourish.

You will receive your reward and rejoice loudly and proudly with those who walk with you, hold you up when you're down, and support you. This year you will receive love in it's right form. You will be with someone who'll appreciate the woman you are and encourage you to continue to bloom in your garden of life.

Each and everyday you will seek and find the good knowing that the only reason why life is complicated is because people make it that way. You will be a part of solutions and not situations and your beauty shall continue to shine from within as that's where Father's light lives.

I love you; encourage you; cherish you; and will always take care of you.

Live this life well my dear as there is no encore.


It's all possible!

A sad day!

For those of you who've been blogging for some time may know Nikki Harris aka Nikki Indigo or the Iniquitous One. She was a powerful, entertaining, and extremely honest writer. For the past few years, she was one of my favourite blogs to read and I was inspired by her in many ways. From her candor to her sensitivity, she left an indelible mark on the lives she touched.

It's with a heavy and saddened heart to say, R.I.P Nikki. My life has been blessed with your gifts and may heaven know it is so very blessed to have you in their midst. Her suffering is now over and her place in the eternal is secure.

Her passing flashed a neon light that life is fragile; it is precious; and it needs to be lived fully. We need to act with purpose and intent on a foundation of love. She was only 37 years old and too young for her passing, so from this I must live. I must take her memory and use it to celebrate this life; to love a little harder; to walk a little sturdier, a celebrate each day for we surely do not know when our last will be.

Prayers to the Harris family and may God bless and keep you all.

Love to live; Live to love

Gateways, portals, and other life exits/entrances!

I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "when one door closes; another one opens", but how many truly believe that? How many look for; or see that there is a blessing with the closing of one door and the anticipation of waiting for another to open? Honestly, I don't think many of us do. Many get immediately dispondent and think that the world as we know is going to come to an end.

It's a known fact, that God does not give us more than He knows we can handle and if we don't handle it, it's not His fault, but ours for having little faith in His word, comfort, and direction. In the many trials I've been through in my life, the one thing I never did was cry the blues or think "woe, is me". While I might not have been able to understand the trial as I was going through it, I never gave up on my faith that I'd come out on top; or at least through to the other side.

In the recent months, I've been the recipient of prayers answered and I realized it was because I allowed doors to both open and close. I realized that I must reconcile with things and people in order to complete the cirlcle and be the receiver of the blessing yet to be shown. There were doors that seemed like they'd be impossible to close and/or walk through; however, I did by remaining prayerful and faithful.

In a world where it's so easy to quit, blame others, or hide behind what seems comfortable, I know I can not be that person. I won't be ostrich like and bury my head in the sand, while claiming that the events in my life are a series of unfortunate acts. Every experience is a good experience as far as I'm concerned because all good is nothing without having the bad to appreciate it.

In a recent turn of events in my life, I rested on my gut instinct that what I was going through was in fact a blessing in disguise. In spite of the shock, I trusted that I would be okay and that I would be victorious. I allowed the door to close, took time to clear and ease my mind, body, and spirit, and now am reaady to walk through the opening door and receive all that is to come to me. The door wthat will now open for me will be filled with even more reward than I'd gotten previously and I'll be in a position to be and do more with myself and my life. So, to those who thought their way was better than His way, well, know that you can't box with God and His armour of protection remains steadfast around those who trust and believe in Him and His word. I give thanks and praise to my Heavenly Father for instilling His grace, mercy, and favor upon me.

With each day, I grow stronger in so many ways and I do not take anything for granted. As I prepare for my 41st year to end, I look back with happiness and gratitude for the doors that closed and those that opened for me. In review, I know that each one was a intrical part of continuing my growth. Over the course of the next 37 days, I will walk in and out of a few more doors and on the 38th day, I'll welcome in my new year; and will walk through that door with pride that I've made it one more year.

Love to live; live to love!

Thank You!

As I journey through another transition in my life, I continue to give honour, thanks, and praise to my heavenly Father. Even when I don't always know or understand the circumstances that seem out of my scope of comprehension, I trust in He that sustains me. I allow His righteousness and goodness to guide my path and rely on my faith to continue to carry me through. I've come too far to turn back now and I know that with each trial; there is an equal or greater triumph.

I truly believe that there is nothing I can't do without Him and whatever He has ordained in my life; it will come to pass. The Bible says, "you have not because you ask not...". Well, I have because I do ask and I do pray, and I do believe. I am forever grateful that there is someone in my life who'll be there night or day; good or bad; right or wrong. My way is His way as best I can because no matter what I am a sinner, but I am a saint each time I stand strong, seek forgiveness, and strive to be and do better. My life has been a series of opportunities missed and taken; however, the latter reigns supreme because I put God into what I do.

I am 49 days away from my next new year and as I am in the closing phase of my old year, I look back with pride as I see the growth; the increased potential; the improved confidence; the exacting of things I've proclaimed for myself; the spiritual wealth I've gained; and the happiness that manifests in my life. Love for myself; for my family/friends; for my life is infinite and I truly rest in the words that "no weapon formed against me shall prosper".

Each day I rise is another reason to celebrate. Each day I live is another reason to be thankful. Each day I can touch another life affirmatively means, I'm honouring Jesus' death for my salvation. Each day I can share His word, means my faith has multiplied. There is not a day that I am not grateful. There will not be a day where I will not give thanks.

With transition, comes the responsibility to utilize each and every experience and make your life count.

So, today I share my gratitude first and foremost with my heavenly Father and then to all those who are in my life and those who'll cross my path.

The following came from my Daily Word...

I am grateful!

Starting the day in gratitude, my first prayer is Thank You, God! I am grateful for beauty and love, for surprises and excitement, for friendship and community, and for the presence of God in all.

Even if I may be going through a challenging experience, I am grateful, for I know that good will come from it. Will I learn of inner strength that I didn't know I had? Will I gain a renewed appreciation for my life and the people in it?

I am grateful for my present circumstances, for I know they offer opportunities for growth. I thank God for the life I have been given and the life I am creating by seeing the good in all that comes before me.

"Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving."--Psalm 95:2

Live to love; love to live!

wow! just wow!

A long-standing prayer has been answered and I have to give thanks, honour and glory to my heavenly Father for knowing the needs of my heart and acting in my favour. It took years of praying, hoping, and patience, but God never acts before it's time.

I feel blessed beyond measure right now. I've had a smile pasted on my face all morning. I feel His presence in and around me and man does that ever feel good. Transitions are beautiful things when you embrace the opportunities and times of change in your life.

I may not have a lot of things, but my wealth in life is great and nothing can compare to that measure of prosperity. My well spring is full and runneth over and my abundance is exceeding to me, my life, and those I share it with.

In the words of the song, "...it is well with my soul..."

Have an amazing day blog family; make it count always; in ALL ways!

Love to live; live to love!

Not your garden variety P.M.S

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with My Girl where we were discussing the heinous crime that exacts itself upon us roughly every 28 days. We fussed and complained, but then decided that we must accept it as a part of our nature and instead of cursing it, just let it be. We figured if we breathed negative energy into it, the worse it would feel month after month. Now, for me, my "monthly contribution" is short-lived; however, still rather discomforting and something I wish would just stop. I'm going through chemically induced menopause as a result of the medicine I take, but I'm still menstruating, so the conflicts my body goes through is nuts, but hey, that's why they created meds to control the Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder-PMDD that I'm going through.

Anyway, I didn't bring you here to tell you about my bodily functions...I digress...here's what I really wanted to talk about.

So, My Girl and I continued to talk and we start talking about men, relationships and life. We discussed how we could flip P.M.S and make it something positive; something that we could center on and use effectually in our lives. We came up with Pure Mental Serenity...Our P.M.S. We agreed that there are so many things in life to be celebrated than to stress over a temporary; albiet an annoying factor in our lives. Together we spoke of how far we've come as women and how much we've overcome in order to be solid and whole women. We celebrate each other's ups and nurture each other through the downs and still find joy in the experience no matter what.

P.M.S is achieveable people if you want it bad enough. P.M.S can be retrieved by simply being still for a moment and releasing the pressure valve holding you mentally hostage; job/children/spouse/money or whatever stress. There are things that are within our power to handle and control and there are plenty that are not and it's at those times you pray, you have faith, and you hold the knot in that rope a little tighter. You give the problems over to your Higher Power and "accept the things you can not change". Your P.M.S will kick in and you will find that which will sustain you. And if per chance you're unable to having that P.M.S moment and need to let it all out; then have at it. Cry; kick; scream; take that drive, or whatever it is that provides comfort and you'll find the P.M.S will be right there with you as you've released the negative into the universe and made room for the positive to unfold in and around you.

My Girl and I have accepted this into our beings. We give and receive it as we continue to inspire, nurture, and encourage each other. God was very much in the midst of that conversation on that special day. He governed our thoughts and our speech enough to bring tears to our respective eyes as we realized the power, wealth, and magnitude of the conversation we were having. There is no greater joy than that!

We are all special creations of God's awesome love and wonder. We must accept that His way is not our way and that the trials we go through aren't because he loves us not, but instead because he loved us enough to die for us. He gave us a clean slate to work with and somehow we sullied it by sidestepping Him. When we attach negative labelings to so many things, it's no wonder why we feel so heavy-ladened instead of joyous. Having P.M.S can avert the negative formations in your life if you allow it to. What do you have to lose? I say, give it a try; open your heart and mind to a new version of P.M.S; you're gonna thank me for it.

Love to live; live to love!

Suicide is not an option!

In light of the many negative experiences I’ve had, it’s anyone’s guess how I managed to survive without the use of drugs, alcohol, or being promiscuous, but I’m happy to say I have. From sexual, physical, and emotional abuse to the endurance toxic relationships and self-inflicted cutting, I’ve looked back on my life with awe. I recall so many times when I wondered, “how the heck am I going to make it through this?”, but somehow I did. And although I had a sometimes contentious relationship with religion, I always understood The Word and how important faith and prayer was. Even in my darkest hours, my spirituality and faith guided me and it was that blind walk that led me through. As it’s said, “walk by faith and not by sight”.

When I made the revelation that I used to cut myself, those that I told thought I was somehow trying to kill myself; that was not the case. I was instead trying to kill the pain I felt and the conflicted feelings, which often ran through my veins with a hold worse than heroin. I’ve finally healed that issue in my life and it’s been close to 5 years (I think...I stopped counting) since I last cut myself. Even better than that, I don’t even have the desire to digress as I refuse to allow anything or anyone to stress me that badly. I’m blessed to have a really good foundation of support to rest on when my own footing is weak.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize and recognize that suicide in any form is not an option. We all find ways to ‘kill’ ourselves and it must stop. We must find ways to reduce and eliminate pain in our lives. We must find a spiritual place to release ourselves and find the strength to go on and endure. We must get out of relationships platonic or intimate that bring no real joy or substance to our lives; stop holding onto people that simply aren’t worthy of you, your love, or your time. Although this economy doesn’t afford many to find alternative employment, so if you have to remain in a position you don’t like, find a way to make it work for you instead of you for it. There is no encore for life; this is it so adhere to the following:

Birth Certificates show that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

How many pictures do you have?

This prayer was in my Daily Devotional today…

God of abundance, thank you for your grace. How great are all the blessings that fill our lives! Amen.

I find it completely appropriate for not only this post, but for life as a whole. And when you need a spiritual boost; this song will give you some support, joy, and guidance.

Can't Give Up Now - Mary Mary

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn’t fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

[Hook:]No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me (so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Love to live; live to love!

uncensored!

Since embarking on my journey of restoration back in 2006, I realized that I'd lived a good portion of my life censored. I grew up in a house with 4 other siblings and on the weekends when I visited my father, had two more there. In each household, I found that my voice went pretty much unheard. At my mum's, I was the one that was left out, picked on, received little or no attention, which promoted my desire to escape through writing or creating parallel existences and remain censored. While at my father's, my brother and sister included me in their activities, but my father kept us tightly reigned in with his strong religious beliefs and practices, which in that environment kept me relatively censored.

As I grew up, I found that while I had a pretty good voice inside of me, I rarely used it. I excelled in academics and sports, was sought out as a friend, and was well liked and received in all my social events/activities. However, in spite of all of that, I still remained censored. I was often afraid to say what was on my mind, what I was going through, and pretty much buried myself deep within and became what everyone wanted me to be. I lived like that for many years.

When I joined the military in 1987, I knew it was something I truly wanted to do, but wondered how I'd fare with someone barking orders at me all day. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about being surrounded by a bunch of women; most of whom I couldn't stand. And my paramount thought was, "will this conformity make or break my censorship?" I soon learned that I was able to be uncensored as the need to be strong, dilligent, resourceful, and sometimes mean in order to make it through. Hiding within wasn't going to bode well and I channeled all my inner containment out into a formidable trainee. I spoke up, maintained strong ethic/convictions, and ensured that my I was both seen and heard. I became a leader and was put in charge of my peers. This further promoted my desire to remain uncensored and it worked well. I garnered the respect I worked for and my voice was sought in many ways.

Upon returning home, I maintained a very strong disposition and worked that summer (88) in an in resident college educational program. It was a great environment for me to grow as a leader and use my voice to guide and teach incoming freshmen. I did that for the remainder of that school year and the next summer. Ironically, as much as being uncensored served me well, it failed me miserably in my actual personal life. I got into a relationship with someone who was a couple years younger than me, less secure in themselves, not a college student, and in some ways a little possessive. This caused me to stop being so vocal, strong willed, and I became what he wanted me to be. This relationship almost led to marriage, but his infidelity precluded that from ever happening.

In the years that succeeded that point, I had a had a child, graduated from college, maintained living on my own, and entered the world of extreme censorship. I hid in more ways than one and slowly and systematically broke down. The turning point came when my personal Pandora's box opened; forcing me to deal with some very hard and painful memories that until then, I'd keep carefully tucked away. I sought professional help and released what I thought was everything; not so! I survived for a little while, thinking that I'd opened up enough and would make it though. I was once again put back into my box and censoring became my revolving door best friend for many, many years.

Fast forward to 2006...I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd been married; divorced; entered a relationship, that while good wasn't really good for either one of us as we'd both jumped from the fires into the flame of our previous relationship without the benefit of healing in between. We had some good times, but ultimately we couldn't stay together. I decided to work on myself. I stopped being sexual and entered celibacy. I began to deal with ALL of my issues and one by one I began to overcome them. I was brutally honest with myself, my past, and worked on forgiving myself and those who'd hurt me over the years. I reconciled feelings that had laid dormant, I challenged myself to be the woman I knew I should be all the time, and relied on my faith to guide me through. During that time, I incurred a major health issue of which I got through with the love/support of close friends and family, and I think it was that experience that truly showed my resiliency and my desire to no longer allow myself to be censored. I realized then more than ever that I had a voice and had to use it. I refused to allow myself to be what others wanted me to be and be who I was supposed to be.

Uncensorship is a good and bad thing for me as I often speak exactly what's on my mind. I don't do it to be hurtful or malicious, I just speak in the situation as I see it. If I've offended, I'm willing to explain and when necessary apologize; as I'm not too big to be corrected. Uncensorship allows me to live with positive energy, to not hurt/compromise myself, and be open to all the wonders/possibilities/opporunties that surround me. Uncensorship allows me to live out loud and outside of the box. Coloring outside of the lines can be just as pretty and equally creative. And that's how I see myself; a beautiful, perfectly imperfect creation of God's goodness. He's given me a voice and I'll use it. He's extended His grace and mercy upon me and I plan to show my appreciation for it by living a good life. I will not allow myself to be pigeon-holed, beat down, put down, or filled with angst/drama/baggage. I am a free and wonderful woman who loves to live and lives to love. I can and will be all that I am intended to me.

Have a blessed one.

Love to live; live to love!

Purpose Driven

It’s always been a dream of mine to help women of any age over come the effects of abuse in any form. As one who’s overcome sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, I feel strongly that I am a testament to others that they, too, can overcome those things in their lives.

Back in January, I spoke with a neighbor who’s setting up a Women’s Ministry that will help women in various stages of abuse get help and I told her I want to participate. To date, I haven’t been a part of her ministry, but know that I will.

This past Sunday, I was invited to attend a church service which was devoted to Women’s Ministry and I was blessed to receive an amazing sermon delivered by my friend and mentor. I was almost moved tears as she so eloquently and powerfully delivered The Word. After the service, I waited to speak with her while she spoke with a young lady who was apparently going through some things. Now, I’m not one to just start speaking to people I don’t know; much less “minister” to them, but the Lord moved me to speak with her and boy was I blessed with some words of comfort, support, and inspiration to this young lady. The words just flowed like water from my mouth and I could see that she was receiving them in spite of her circumstance. Her mother listened in and thanked me for speaking with her daughter. Two other women heard me speaking and they asked how they too could begin the healing process in their lives. I spoke to them with limited information as to their respective issues and each woman thanked me for my words of direction, inspiration, and support.

As I sat with my friend after the service as we waited for lunch, the Pastor’s wife began speaking to me and said that I have a good spirit and thanked me for speaking with the women. I told her, it was my pleasure and all I wanted to do was show them that they could overcome their circumstances if they believed in themselves and began their healing process with forgiveness of themselves. After about an hour of conversation with my elders, I left for home nourished and fulfilled with the word of the Lord and the joy of knowing that I made a difference; even a small one.

Come Monday, my friend informed me that the women of her church were more than impressed with me and would like me to come back to the church and do a workshop or some other form of instruction for women. Naturally, I was stunned, but ever so grateful for having been in the right place at the right time. I told my friend, I would do whatever they asked of me as I would be doing the Lords work and also fulfilling a dream I’ve had for a long time. She also told me that the young lady's countenance was completely changed after my speaking to her and she even mentioned it during her welcoming speech for the afternoon service. My last visual of the young lady was a sad face, with tear stained eyes, but to hear that she was smiling and exuding positive and good energy that brought amazing joy to my heart.

We live in a world where love often takes a back seat to the hurt, pain, suffering, etc., which occurs all too frequently. I know from personal experience the damage this infliction can do to a person’s spirit and if I can touch even just one life, I know that the purpose of my suffering was not for naught. Everything we go through is a learning lesson good or bad and while what I endured was particularly painful and damaging, I made it through to the other side and it’s made me the woman I am today; a woman I love and celebrate.

As I perused my bookshelf last night, I found many a book that I can and will use to create a lesson plan for a workshop I will hold. I know it’s His will that I do this and look forward to the many tears and joys that will come of this sharing. We all have a gift that we can give or share to another and I hope that each and everyone of us takes the time to find it (if you haven’t already) and use it purposefully.

I wish I could remember where I found this quote, but it speaks to the direction in which we need to live our lives: “My purpose shall stand, and I will fulfill my intention”.

Have a truly; truly blessed day y’all.

Love to live; live to love!

It is well with my soul!

Whenever things seem to want to go wrong, it tends to want to happen quickly and heavily. As you read from my last post, I encountered a problem at my home, which required immediate attention and took my out of my budget. I prayed on the situation and asked God to show me the way. I give thanks for the challenges I've faced in my life because as the quote says, "...you are greater than any obstacle"; however, there are days when I still feel the turbulence coursing through my veins and I don't know how I'm going to calm it down. Naturally, I reach out to my heavenly father because I know He's got the answers and will show me the way. I also know that there are angels here who are used through Him to be the calm in the storm, to lend a hand; an ear; or a shoulder.

This morning was full of turbulence and I reached out for my Bible and read Psalms 4 and the first few chapters of Psalms 5 and immediately felt relaxed and drifted into a short but deep slumber. After getting up, I read Believer 1964's blog that she posted July 13 and after listening to Wintley Phipps sing It Is Well With My Soul, I knew God had used her to guide and calm me. It was from her blog that I took the quote I've used in this post. I read the scripture she has under the quote (Romans 8:28) and again was moved my how He knew what I needed to read.

Tears welled in my eyes and flowed as I received the song into my heart and soul and accepted the words as my personal blessing.

Fellow bloggers, life is a temporary assignment (saw that on a t-shirt) and we have to live it well. God is the way maker and never gives us more than we can handle. I thank each of you for your contributions in my life. Though I may not know you all personally, I still know that you have all been or will be us for a purpose.

Please take a moment to visit Believer 1964's blog because she truly is a God send to me and I know you can find something for yourself in the July 13th post.

Let all be well with your soul today.

Love!

Truths to remember

I didn't write these, but they're worth sharing. This is my Valentine's Day "card" to all of you as the words contain the best love of all...HIS!

1. Faith is the ability not to panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is like calling home everyday.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still, so He can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math; count your blessings.
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem; it's me!
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh everyday; it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people.
12. Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
13. There is no happiness. The door is always open.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay.
18. It's alright to sit on yur pity pot every now an dagain. Just be sure to flush when you're done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and rish-taking. Learn from the turtle; it only makes progress when you stick out your neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are; while your repuation is merely what others think you are.

Love!

God vs God

My apologies for not posting sooner. Had some very important things to take care of. Well, I'm back and am rather anxious about this entry; here goes.

In my last post, DBA Lehane said..."That God guy seems to take all the credit and takes none of the flak if you ask me."

Naturally, that got me to thinking and I don't think that God can take the flak for what is currently going on in the world. We were given a choice, which stems from Adam and Eve and from the inception, we chose to go against God and against good. Though there are many who will argue with Biblical accounts of humanity, I do not (for the most part} and I believe that we as people have created the mess we live in. From what I know and have read, people have chosen the desires of physical pleasure, instant gratification, and anything that yields rewards without regard for others.

Christ lived amongst us and faced the same temptations and decision making issues as those around Him and He chose to always err on the side of good and live with clarity of his decision. He accepted the fallout and alienation that came with his decisions, which afforded him the opportunity to never have to second guess Himself. He promoted goodness and good living and those who chose against that mindset lived their suffering and adverse effects of the choice they made, so why should God take the flak for something He didn't do and didn't promote. Yes, there must be balance and there is no good without the bad, but ultimately we are still in charge of the choices we make. I have read the Bible and some other religious doctrines and no where does it say that the Higher Power promoted negative behavior and activities. Acts of nature were used as tools to teach us that we need to be mindful of the world we live in and the decisions we make against others.

I feel like I'm all over the place with my thoughts (Codeine will do that to a person), but I'm sure you understand where I'm going. I think it's easy for us to doubt God's role and intention for us if we do not have faith in His direction and doctrine. His goodness, favor, and mercy is dispensed on us everyday. Sometimes we're given reminders that we need to live or get right by an act of nature, s health scare, or whatever He uses to get into our heads and hearts.

Let me ask you this, if you know you're a good person, you don't lie; cheat; steal, or do things that you'll have a hard time living with; should you be held responsible for the "flak" that is around you? While I understand why someone can and would question the role of God in the world and why He gets all the credit when there is so much negativity in the world, but He didn't cause it so no, He shouldn't take the flak.

This is a topic that can and will generate a lot of discussion as many of you are believers and practice Biblical habits. I welcome and encourage debate on this because as I said, I feel a little scatterbrained right now. My wholehearted opinion is that I AM A TRUE BELIEVER. I have experience His goodness, favor, and mercy in my life. I've lived through miraculous situations and know that without my faith in Him I would NOT be where I am. I reiterate that point because in spite of ugliness that has happened in my life or to me, the acts were not performed by God, but someone who did not know God or know how to make better decisions. I think it's easy for many to blame or want to blame God given His reputation for awesomeness, but if we're honest without prejudice of religion, we'll see that it's man not God who's at fault.

Thankful

I know many bloggers who post a weekly Grattitude List and I find them very encouraging and in many ways inspirational. I, on the other hand rarely post such a list. No, it's not because I'm ungrateful or have nothing to be thankful for, I just simply rarely post one. Well, today, I'm going to post one, but it'll be more in paragraph form instead of a list. Either way, my grattitude will be known.

For everything I've been through in life good or bad, I've always been grateful to my heavenly father for His divine presense in my life. Even when I wanted to call it quits and say the hell with it all, I never let my faith falter and I held on regardless. My Hope is Built is one of my favorite hymns and trust me when I say, it's literally saved me and others from being hurt. When I was in basic training many moons again, it stopped me from being discharged after I wanted to smash another trainees face in with the butt of an M16. My faith has prevented me from failing peril to the temptations of drugs, alchohol, promiscuity, and suicide. How Great Thou Art, is another great hymn that has also brought me strength and comfort during my trying times. My daddy is a great singer and I remember how well he sang that hymn and it stuck with me. Blessed Assurance is another hymn that comes to mind and it too always restores my soul and gives me reason to hold on and rest on my faith. I've been blessed to have some friends/family in my life that are God-fearing people and whom are ready, willing, and able to have some church whenever; wherever the need calls for it. I have friends/family whom will go from vernacular to prayer as the need arises. I'm blessed and fortunate for them as I am blessed and fortunate to have the faith it takes to believe in what I can not see, feel, or sometimes hear. Without the grace and mercy of God, I know I would not be where I am today and I am eternally grateful and thankful that I have God in my life.

From my teens to my mid 20's, I decided I didn't want children. I had a decent childhood, lived in a two-parent home, really didn't want for much, but I still had no real inspiration or desire to have a child. For whatever reason, that changed and I had lil lady when I was 24. I'd already graduated college, so I wasn't interupting that. I hadn't gotten into a career field yet, so that wasn't going to be intertupted either. I was fortunate that I had a pretty easy pregnancy (save for the car accident at 5 months), and my labor and delivery was 3hrs, 43 mins start to finish, which by all counts is great for a first delivery. Lil lady was an easy going baby and was an incredible joy to be around and I was blessed to be able to stay home with her for the first 18 months of her life; and missed none of her milestones. She's grown into a smart, beautiful, and talented young lady who is still a joy to be around and is by far, one of my biggest and best accomplishments in life. She inspires me, moves me, and is my lil hero. She's a teen now and has her moments, but she's not filled with angst and drama; and all the things that drive most mothers insane. Again, I'm blessed.

Friends have come and gone in my life for a variety of reasons, but I'm blessed to have some that are truly ride or die. I have some that I don't need to check in with daily, but they know I love them and would be there for them at a moments notice. I have them of all ages, races, male, and female. Most of my friends are more like family to me as I have no blood relatives within my state. Hell, if my family had to come for an emergency, they's have the airlines clogged *lol* because that's the distance they've have to travel. My friends and I have gone through good times, bad times, and just times together. We've shared secrets, anger, births, deaths, and whatnot and while a few have had to be cut off, I have held on to those who remain ever true and ever there. I don't need quantity; simply quality of friendships. Age and wisdom helps to define that; leaving little room for doubt.

My family is a strange entity. I have some that I know, some that I don't know, and some that I'm just getting to know. I've always wanted to be a part of a large and for the most part functional family. My immediate family lacks a certain level of functionality, but that's simply how it is and I tend not to focus on that too much. I have cousins, aunts, and a few siblings that are the greatest ever. I've reconnected with my daddy and I have to say it's one of the most emotionally fulfilling experiences ever. He's a nut, but he's my nut and I love him. My stepdad is a good guy and he's worthy of his shout out. My mother and I, well that's a another story. However, I'll give credit where credit is due and say, she's given me some great reasons to be able to take care of myself, to work hard, and to make a way out of no way. Things aren't great between us and that bothers me as it also affects lil lady and I hope that one day we can change that. Bottom line though, I've had my parents in my life my entire life and good or bad relationship aside, I'm happy and blessed for it as it's help to shape the woman I am today.

And finally to life. Wow! Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it this far. For all the ups and downs, and bumps and bruises, I really don't know how I did it. Well, I guess it's as easy as reading back over the previous paragraphs. Without God and my faith; without my daughter, my friends and family, I wouldn't have made it. Actually, I have to make an addition. I've had a few good Pastors in my life too who've been exceptional in aiding in my faith walk and giving me the spiritual guidance I've needed. I have a wonderful church home and family in Christ too and I'm grateful for that.

In closing, I just want to say that no matter what happens or where life leads you, there is ALWAYS something or someone to be thankful for. Each day is a new day, but each breath is a dying breath, so we must all do what we can, when we can, for as long as we can to be grateful for everything good or bad and give thanks to the most high and those in our lives.

Love!

Top Ten

Okay, so we all have moments of despair, anger, frustration, and that's all well and good, but there is more to life than negative emotions. Don't get me wrong, each of them serve their purpose, but they weren't intended to be all day; everyday ones. Today's reading says, "Let go and let God", so when I saw these (among others) listed in another blog I knew I had to "steal" it.

All too often, we allow ourselves to be weighed down with things and sometimes people that don't realy warrant the amount of time being invested. If we're honest with ourselves about the issue/person, we'll realize that it's best to simply let go and move on in addition to letting go and letting God.

We need to invest and reinvest in our most wealthiest stock...OURSELVES! It doesn't mean we're being selfish or self-serving, but as it's said, we can't help others until we help ourselves and God will take care of us if we open up to receive His blessings.

So, without further adieu, here's some of the list I "stole"

1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy, as they DECIDE to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
5. You will never "have it all together."
6. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
7. We often fear the thing we want the most.
8. Success is getting up one more time
9. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.
10. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace... and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

Armed and dangerous!

Today was a good day. My day started with prayer and thanksgiving to my Divine Father. From there my ride to work was blessed with listening to Shirley Cesear singing that "God can take care of it" followed by CeCe Winans singing, "It's Gonna Be Alright". Upon arriving at work, my morning was further blessed by my Daily Word reading "Yes" which spoke of God's blessings and how things were going to be okay. I was armed with a great "breakfast" and was ready to take on my day.

It went progressively well until I made a phone call that would send me into a semi tailspin. Upon the rude and childish termination of the call by the other party, I immediately went into prayer because I was not going to allow myself to be reduce to hells level. I called in some "soldiers" who were armed and ready to jump into the battlefield. After my soldiers fell in line, the situation was for the moment mitigated and all was well. At least for the moment anyway.

Later that evening, as I tried to do my part to put some rationality into the situation, I was met with the devil's incarnate and was called one of the most heinous names you can call a woman and while I was immediately offended, I realized it was another call to action. I put my armor back on and called on my Divine Father and one of my soldiers and we were ready to defend my honor and put some water on hells fire. The situation was once again mitigated; well as much as it can be and I let go and let God do what He needs to do from this point on.

Life has taught me some ugly lessons and exposed me to some ugly people and today I was met with both. Through my faith, I was shown what true resiliency is and I was awestruck by it. I was shown that my friends are the kind that you don't really wanna test when it comes to defending me and mine. I know that the power of being rational even when everything in you is telling you otherwise and most of all, I showed that the power of a woman is nothing to be tested especially when her mind is made up to right a wrong. I'm proud of my will, my determination, my friends, and most of all my faith. I know now more than ever that there is nothing that is brought to me that I can't get through and that a strong mind and sheer determination is better than reducing oneself to the pathetic actions of others.

I lifted this post from jus.b.fli and it's befitting of this post....

"Never expect a blessing without some burdens.
Sometimes the burden is a sign of just how valuable the blessing is.
Don’t let the burden blow the blessing."

After the experience I had, I know there's a great blessing in store for me. Thank you Jesus!!!