where do i even begin?

It's funny; actually it's not, how life takes sudden turns that exceed the normal left turns in Albuquerque and leave you stranded on life's highway saying, "what happened, and how the hell did I get here?"

Well, of late that's been the state of my existence. I woke up one morning and found out that I was one of the many people who would be laid off due to the company losing the contract. I was neither shocked nor disappointed as I knew it had nothing to do with my work performance; however, the prospect of being unemployed didn't sit well with me as I like working. I did consider how long it would take me to become re-employed? Did I have enough saved as not to touch my IRA? And what would I do with my now abundance of free time?

I used the time to take on an autobiographical writing project that I've been encouraged to write for some time now. It began with some ease, but I hit a couple of roadblocks and put said project on hold. Shortly before I decided to take it on again, another spin out occurred...I was informed that someone who had a major roll in my life died suddenly and since that fateful day, my life has been somewhat of a blur.

As much as I want to go back to work, I realize that the timing of my job loss and the life loss afforded me the time to handle affairs that have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I have a gaping wide whole in my life and heart right now and have no idea how/when it'll close. Time heals they say, but I don't want time to heal a damn thing, I just want to hit rewind and get back what should still be here anyway.

Anger, pain, and frustration aside, I strive to move forward and embrace life and living a lot stronger/harder than I did before. I'm looking at life more closely and effectively because losing my recently turned 46 year influential person showed me that we don't know how/when our life will be over and we've got to find and hold on to things of substance; release ourselves from the drama/pain/toxicity and live and make things possible.

Those who know of my loss, tell me that I'm a strong woman and that I can get through this, but what if I don't want to be strong? What if I want or need to be weak? Does anyone ever consider that? Do people really think that just because one is perceived to be strong that they can handle all the shit the life drops in their life? Uhm? I'll take "no, for a thousand Alex!" Yes, I've overcome a lot of pain, adversity, and generally being screwed over and shit on in my life; all of which I can say I've gotten over; at least for the most part. But this, my dear readers, is not something I'm going to simply "get over". I'm not going to wake up one morning and think that his loss was a good thing. I'm not going to be stronger because he's gone. My strength doesn't make a Super Woman; all it does and has done is make me find alternative ways to deal with the crap. This not so much! I hate that he's gone! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!!!!

The ONLY summation I can give to this is that God must have one heck of a plan for me and that He's going to bless me with something amazing. All of these trials are the polishing tools to bring me to my most refined and ready point to receive His blessing. I have opened my heart and mind to this thought because I believe it and because it's the only thing that makes sense of the sudden changes in my life.


Well, that's all folks! I haven't re read this so I haven't a clue if it makes sense or follows any logical sequence, which would be in total keeping with my life.

It's all possible (whatever IT is)

let the Rayne pour

so, yesterday was my girl's birthday. it wasn't just any old birthday, but her 30th. YAY!!!
for months, weeks, days; leading up to it, she complained and whined that she was "getting old" and "oh, my God, I can't believe i'm gonna be 30". I openly laughed and teased her about it because 30 really isn't old at all. In fact, she could never pass for being her age as she looks like she's still in her early 20's. (READ...12 when she wears a ponytail...lol) So, unless she publically announces her age, who'll be the wiser?

age my friends, is NOTHING BUT A NUMBER! it's not a reflection of yourself nor is it a death sentence. the older you get, the wiser you get. with age comes said wisdom (unless you're just dumber than duck shit...she's far from that!) i digress. anyhoo, she's a smart and talented young woman who works hard, loves her family & real friends, will do just about anything for anyone, and need not worry about being 30.

today's 30, is the new 20 they say...personally, i think it's a little insulting given the way most 20 y/o act, but that's just my opinion. being 30 affords you a certain right and privilege because people will actually take you more seriously, be more inclined to show you the courtesy you deserve regardless, and the doors of opportunity will fly open in your favor. see, i've noticed that everyone spouts off about experience this; experience that and you, for the most part don't really have it until you're in your 30's. a certain maturation has occurred by this time so one should embrace that new milestone with the vitality and drive it deserves.

Rayne, this post is to shout you out for being a great friend. Welcome to the real world. Look forward to all the blessings this new avenue of your life will afford you. Don't worry about the number as it's not who you are, you are who you are. Your ambition and your willingness to be open and receptive will be the catalysts for your success. The woman you are forming into is ready to shine. Excuse my redundancy, but 30 is a beautiful and wonderful time and experience. It's a marker for your development and with open arms, heart, and eyes, you'll see that this chapter of your life will blaze the trail for you.

Change is good...I think

I had high aspirations of posting at least two additional posts by now, but things got the best of me and I wasn't able to post sooner. My Monday post would have been about random acts of kindness and tolerance in keeping with the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Instead of posting, I kicked my sister and brother in law out of their house so they could have some time alone and take care of some errands while I watched my twin niece and nephew. My act of kindness was far better than a post. Agree?

Anyhoo, I accepted a new position within my company, which is very demanding and will alter how I spend my day; hence the title of this post. I did more work today than I have in months and it will continue for some time. Where I used to be able to blog during the day, I probably won't, so please don't think I've forgotten about my lovely readers. Please hang in there and check my blog either very early in the day or later in the evening.

Sorry for this partly lame post, but it's getting late and I really don't have much on my mind. I'm trying to catch up on my DVR'd t.v shows and catch up on other things I would have normally done at work like read blogs...lol! I guess I was pretty spoiled with my previous position. Now, I'm a cashing a big, fat reality check that I actually have to do some work to make that minimum wage. *snicker*

Okay folks, that's all for now, but rest assured the Jewel will keep on shining and continue to bless you with the wrath of my mental accuities.