one for the humor books

I don't even know how to describe this, other than it's one of the funniest things I've seen other than what's on Oh Hell Nawl.  Please check it out and enjoy.

as promised...

This is the link to the guest blogger post lil lady did last February. She's grown in leaps and bounds since then; some good; some not so good, but either she's never lost her sense of humor.

Check it out for a good laugh...lil lady speaks

da madnezz

So, I've got this rule that lil lady has to call me when she gets home from school so I know she's home and I can put her lil azz to work preppin dinner and shit. Today was no exception and she calls me sounding like she's been dragged from the back of a truck in Klansville. I asked, "what's wrong?" and she tells me she's tired and was sleeping on the school bus. I'm like, "okay, now whatcha gonna do?" She tells me she's hungry and needs some food. That lil heffa stays hungry with her lil azz self and eats like she's got a perpetual tapeworm. Anyhoo, she's rummaging around in fridge looking for some vittles and happens upon a couple things that'll make the hunger go away. She inquires about some rice and beans and if it's still good. I tell her to smell it and she'll know. She tells me she wouldn't know if it was bad or not so I tell her that if it smells sour don't eat it. She does the sniff check and tells me it smells like rice and beans and I hear the microwave going. Then she's got her hands on a Jamaican patty and tells me the toaster isn't working. I'm like, "how bout you plug it in!" *doh* And this is an honor roll student I'm talking about here *shm*

Okay, now she's smacking in my ear as she's getting her grub on and proceeds to tell me how she thinks the new house phones are cool and futuristic. She then goes on to tell me she has to "piss like a race horse on a Saturday night at the Kentucky Derby". At this point I almost fell out of my chair laughing and couldn't believe my child is talking to me like this. She is; and it gets better. I tell her that I think my lead has left and if he has, I'm out cause I need to make a pit stop on the way home. She tells me to check and then get back on the phone; I do and he's still here. "Dammit!" I say and she says, "well, I guess yo black azz gonna hafta stay on that plantation a lil longer den huh?" Of course, I'm now out of the chair hysterically laughing.

She comments on the Christmas decorations that went up (she'd been at the dads house) and asked if I caught the Christmas spirit. I tell her no, but I wanted to do something festive. She then tells me I had too much time on my hands. Brat! She asked if I wanted anything for Christmas and I told her no and she said good cause she didn't have any money and wasn't buying me anything. I ask her what she wants and she says just her unlimited text plan back, which I'd taken away when she got on punishment. We laugh and joke more and then she changes focus.

After having me laughing like I'm high on some real good ish, you'd think she'd stop right? Naw she keeps going. I ask her to prep some chicken legs I have in the fridge and she refuses. I tell her if she wants to live to see another day and eat, she'll do it; she complies. She now has me on speakerphone and is still singing the phone's praises. She's making the puke sound as she's stripping the skin off and complaining about what a horrible chore it is. I agree, but tell her is must be done. In between all this she's fussy and laughing and acting like the complete nut she is. I'm sitting on the other end of the phone laughing and trying not to be too loud.

The conversation continues with its animated pace until she decides she's had enough and wants off the phone. So, for all of you who read my 13 3's you'll see why I said lil lady makes me laugh; she's one crazy kid, but I love 'er!

Oh, and if you have time, you can dig through my archives and find the post she did; now that was some funny azz ish right there! If I find the link I'll save you the time and post it.

Love!

things i shouldn't say out loud

hey y'all! please forgive the untimely posts. there's a lot going in the jewelry shop (my life) and it's kinda prevented me from being an active poster. i am getting to read many of your posts though, so you know i'm still out there.

anyhoo, i thought i'd post something light-hearted today; here goes...

"who the hell told him that living at home with his mama, buying all the latest gadgets instead of getting his own place and being a man was a good look?"

"why does the guy in the 'geek squad' look like a little troll or something from Lord of the Flies?"

"your baby is not cute and you shouldn't be acting like it's the next Gerber baby"

"no, you're perfume does not smell nice and it was a waste of money"

"no, i can't spare any change, i'm broke too dammit!"

"of course i want change, do you really think your service was worth more than the standard?"

"i don't care about Robbie's lack of interest in the computer save for video games. you make too much damn money to stand around talking instead of working"

"OMG! You look like Professor Klump in that tight ass outfit"

"you're so stupid that i bet your other head has more sense than you and it's little!"

"you're a nasty-stank-lazy-no washing your hands after you use the toilet-heffa"

"i wish i could just slap the stupid things you say outta your mouth"

"you bore me so badly that even my butt is numb"

"i'd like to do things to you that would make serial killers look like boy scouts"

"i wish i got paid six figures to sit at my desk to eat and sleep you lazy bastard"

"if you really wanna know why you can't get a date, bathe, get a wardrobe, and get a personality"

"your husband works late cause he'd rather have an affair with the cleaning lady than come home to you"

"i wouldn't eat that if i were you"

"yes, that outfit makes you look fat!"

"yes, you do need to work out, boobs on a man is not attractive"

"no, you can't get in my pants, i already have an asshole thanks!"

"you remind me of my jeep...the one i crashed!"