18 May 2010

own worst enemies

I'm trying; well, not really, to understand why women become their own worst enemies.  I can't for the life of me figure out why women go to such great lengths to be in a relationship with someone who has said from the start that he's not looking for a relationship.  Does she think that once the sex is laid down or she does a few nice things for him that he's going to change his mind?  News flash....he's NOT going to. 

When engaging in a FwBs type relationship, the rules of engagement have to be establish at the onset and adhered to as things progress.  Both parties typically agree that while they may spend time, have sex, and partake in whatever social activities they've agree to, but the bottom line is that NO feelings get born of the status.  While I recognize that sometimes there are things that make one get a bit emotional, the rules of engagement still need to be respected and enforced.  Nothing good comes from trying to force a relationship where there isn't one.  In addition, the boundaries of social etiquette must be clearly established and maintained also.

Nothing is more pathetic than the woman in the FwB relationsihp tossing all the rules out the window and creating her own agenda, which sadly will only leave her in the deficit anyway.  Case in point, my brother was seeing Wendy (not her real name) and it was established from the start what it was between them.  Wendy appeared to be okay with it all; however, there was things she said and did that raised flags.  I cautioned my brother to be careful as I felt she was catching feelings and was using her "kindness" as her weapon to sway him into a permanent relationship.  Fortunately for bro, his sis is a wise woman and he's always receptive to my voice of reason.  I digress...Anyway, bro as an assortment of female friends; none of whom are all sexual partners and Wendy found herself a bit jealous of that.  She had not inquired if he was having sex with anyone other than him, so even if he was, she was still in no position to contest it; save for insisting protection be use at all times.  Well, Ms. Wendy takes her lack of being able to pin my bro down, her jealously, and her insecurity to the next level.  She set up spyware on the laptop she loaned him and kept a running record of his chats and such.  She also managed to get into his personal email when his account was up and he was out of the room.  Wendy took it upon herself to send emails of Instant Message (IM) conversations to other woman.

The woman who were recipients of the emails, contacted my bro and asked him about them; though realizing that it was odd and would be inappropriate by every stretch of the imagination that he would send them.  After bro received the information, he immediately realized what had happened and was promptly pissed. 

Now, what Wendy apparently didn't take into consideration was her antics would in no way make bro want to maintain any semblance of contact with or want to get back with her; and why would he anyway? Furthermore, she's contacting women she doesn't know and they could have very easily turned the tables on her.  Her actions wreaked of all the things that made women look stupid in a mans eye; mine too.

Back in December I had a situation of Krypto's ex girlfriend calling me, but she was wise to hang up before I answered.  Being the mature AND secure woman I am, I contacted Krypto and made it abundantly clear that he handle the situation as i don't do that kind of bullshit/drama and out of respect for his and my friendship I wouldn't contact her.  After he made my feelings known, you would think that she would respect my wishes and leave me alone right?  Oh, no! Ms. Thang decided she would txt me the following morning apologizing and trying to justify her actions.  Really?  So, it was bad enough that she violated her exes (Krypto) privacy and got my number out of his phone; then she called me; and now she's txtn me?  Now, that's a bold, but really dumb chic right there, because now she's put the ball back in my court and I was about to go game, set, and match on her ass. 

After I digested the txt and gave my spirit room for pause, I called her.  I told her; without having to raise my voice or letting Ebonica loose, that I was not the one to play with and that I was firm in my not wanting her to contact me in any way.  I went on to tell her that her insecurity was not my issue and that whatever issues she had she needed to work them out independent of me.  My friendship with Krypto was just that; a friendship and if she couldn't handle it, that wasn't my problem.  Once the warmth of my icy words were firmly delivered, I hung up and called him to let him know I was forwarding the txt to him and that I'd called his ex and voiced my extreme displeasure.  This is how a grown/mature/secure woman handles the futile attempts of an insecure woman.

Woman need to find their core worth, wealth, and value in and of themselves instead of using me to make them feel whole.  They need to stop with the game playing, the creation of relationships that don't exist, and most importantly contacting women whom they feel is a threat to them.  While in theory they may feel their actions are justified, they often quickly see how the practicality of it all is pretty sad and pathetic.  My final thought on the situation is as the adage goes, "if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen". 

It's all possible!


QueenBee said...

And to add just a smidgen...if you can't stand the heat, stop playing with fire for goodness sake.

Shai said...

That is why I don't FWBs well now. When I was younger fine, for me now I am too old it is too old for me.

My bestfriend said this: "Be careful who you sleep, you never which one of you will come up with feelings."

Basiks said...

"Woman need to find their core worth, wealth, and value in and of themselves instead of using me to make them feel whole..."

Do you always have to spit the truth so sensibly!

Mad Props for the post and esp for breaking down the icy warmth part

Killed me right there Ms. Jewel!

T.C. said...

i think you said it best when you said women need to learn their worth within themselves and they need to know who they are...

i am not a FwB type of girl, i am a relationship girl, i don't date just to date...i can spend time with myself (did it just today) and have a good time...

like you said what they do isn't going to make the dude stay or take them seriously...well not a real man anway

Blu Jewel said...

@Queen - so right about that addage

@Shai - at least you know what you can/can't do. These women set themselves up for failure from the get go.

@Basiks - I speak from where the truth lies.

@T.C - Until a year ago, I wasn't the FwB gal either, but have found that with all the rules considered, I'm okay with it as it works for me. I feel I'm in the minority when it comes to FwBs and I certainly will not support the actions of woman thinking they can play in the major leagues with minor league skills.

It's all possible.

Anonymous said...

Spyware on her laptop?! Contacting his contacts?!

Still, everyone has made at least one poor choice during their lifetime. I hope she learned a lot from this incidence and is better for it.

Blu Jewel said...

@Believer - I hope so too because in process, she lost a good friend. Violating ones privacy compromises trust.

It's all possible!

Luv said...

so did your brother give the computer back..just wondering..

i am not a FsWb type of girl..
i have mixed emotions about this because people lie. i mean if the rules were stated in the beginning fine..i just have run across a lot of dudes that just run game and are dating, getting engaged to 7 and 8 girls at the same time and would not have been found out had not one of the girls started snooping..

dating has become so complicated