25 May 2010

preferences, comfort zones, and other like miscellany

We all have an image of what we want in the opposite sex.  We like them in various sizes, colours, shapes, and things that make us tick, but how much of it really exists in the gran'd scheme of things?  So many of us have a Criteria List and that therein lies the problem.  No, I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have one; in fact I think we should as we all have standards in which we live by.  what I am saying; however, is that we shouldn't let them be the absolute factor in whether or not someone is a good match for us.

My preference is a black man who's complexion is as dark as mine or darker.  I'd like him to be at least 5' 10" seeing as i wear 3+ inch heeled shoes almost all the time.  I'd like his weight to be between 170 - 210lbs depending on his height.  A college education is not a requirement, but I'd like him to have an ability to speak with clear articulation/enunciation.  I have an affinity for men in Law Enforcement or the military over civilians. I'd like him to be socially aware, possess the ability to take control and make decision, have good family values, be secure in his own skin, and self-sustaining and ambitious in terms of fulfilling his goals.  These are some, yet not all of the things I'd like in a man, but truth be told, my getting them all would be like me sitting in a lab to create him as he is for the most part a figment of my imagination.  Yes, I want these things, but actually getting them is something I'm actually afraid of.  Why?  Because then I have nothing to look forward to.  There would be no growth process between us in the ways that it counts.  When we get what we want, we tend to not fully appreciate it as we should and in the end we sometimes find ourselves now looking for flaws instead of the things we thought we wanted in the first place.

In my current 'relationship', he is almost the polar opposite of my criteria list.  He's white, he's 10 yrs my junior, he's talented; though does not use his talents to pursue his ambitions and he's certainly not a good decision maker.  While he meets the height requirement, he does not have the weight/brawn that i like, but he is strong.

The point I'm trying to make is that even with the likes/dislikes and the things that are/aren't on my Criteria List, he and I get along very well.  We engage in some amazing conversations, we share an unusual sense of humour, our time together is well balanced, and even when we disagree, it's done with decency.  Truth be told, I'm happy that he doesn't meet many of the items on my list.  I enjoy the differences we share and how we've been able to find a good meeting place in the middle.  i find his quirkiness rather endearing and most of all, I just like him for who he is. 

I once came across the words, "I love you just the way you are; now change". It was a startling reminder of what I went through with my ex husband and how it cause so much hurt/pain in my life as I myself working to live up to the phrase.  Every now and then it resonates in my life when I'm tempted to pull my Criteria List out and feel inclined to stack the chips against it and someone I like.  I recall that unrealistic expectation, that hurt, the inability to live by someone else's image of  whom I should be.  Even though I've never intentionally wanted to hold someone by a standard, I'm sure I have in some way and for that I apologize.  But what I do know is that I can and do fully appreciate not being confined to a comfort zone.  I do still have preferences, but do not let them prohibit me from getting to know someone who's not necessarily what I think I'm looking for.  Just as I want to be accepted for who I am, I must accept others for who they are and together we just might be everything we've ever wanted.

It's all possible!

3 comments:

Believer said...

I’ve been missing for a minute, but I see you’re still speakin’ the truth!

It's great to have a fantasy or ideal list of what we want in a partner, but when it comes to the heart be open to the possibility that we might get an opposite on many levels, but on core issues like family, money, friends, and faith both should be in sync.

Enjoy the company and good conversation and let fate take you where you need to go!

*big grin*

Blu Jewel said...

@Believer - heya! happy you stopped by. "Enjoy the company and good conversation and let fate take you where you need to go!" VERY wise words.

it's all possible!

T.C. said...

i agree with believer its good to have an idea or a preference but its also GREAT to know that the person for you at a particular time in your live isn't always your "ideal" or doesn't or won't always make the "list"

this was a definite refresher