17 May 2010

Ready, set....NOPE!!!

It's been five years since I was in a relationship and the time off has been quite an experience; good, bad, and whatever.  I've learned so much about myself, seen life through very different eyes, and finally came to a place of peace that I wasn't sure I'd get to; however, I did and boy am I happy I have.

Since the end of July 2008, I began dating; something I'd never done in my past.  Seeing that I was a serial monogamist and a 'late bloomer', the initial thought of seeing different people seemed a rather odd and lofty adventure on my part.  Given that I'm blessed to have some amazing friends in my life, they guided me through the process and I entered the very new world of dating and to my surprise; found that I actually enjoyed it.  I liked having options, the ability to venture into various activities that I may not have if I'd been in a monogamous relationship, and I just like having the liberty of just being free. 

While I'm liberal to some degree with sex, the thought of being sexual with multiple partners was out of the question.  The one I saw with the most frequency was the one I slept with, and kept things topical with the others.  Over time, I began weening as I refused to stay on the ride, when the momentum was gone and I didn't want to send mixed signals.

Ready....When I finally called it quits altogether and entered back into my single and celibate state.  In the process, I'd finally and completely gotten over Kyrpto, which was an emotional expenditure that had long since run its course.   The friendship with Heart's Desire had grown exponentially and I felt that's definitely where I wanted to be.  Truth be told, I'd fallen for him, which in and of itself was a celebration to pale July 4th as it had taken 14 1/2yrs to me to actually feel that way about anyone else; to include my ex husband.  I was willing to see where that could go until there was a left turn in Albuquerque and had to put that idea on the back burner.  It didn't end my feelings for him, but it did make me not regret my decision to be celibate again, which lasted almost four days shy of four months when I saw him again.  It was once again, another wonderful experience, another step in the direction of feeling that I was ready to be in a monogamous relationship.  Through him, I saw that part of me that In some ways, I'd missed in the five year relationship break I'd been on. 

Set...So, there it was, me single once again.  I decided it was best that I remain single and not date.  I wanted to give myself the opportunity to ensure that my heart was in fact ready, and that I would be open and receptive to a potential relationship.

Nope...As if like cosmic amusement, I found myself in a completely unexpected and accidental FwB (Friends with Benefits) relationship.  Unlike one I'd entered into before, this one came very well equipped with all the friendship I needed to make put us in a non-balanced place.  Neither of us expected what had happened and neither of us regret the decision to continue as we still tried to figure out how we'd even gotten involved. 

He was given the moniker of The Accidental Playmate; The Playmate for short.  Neither of us are currently employed, so we have a lot of time to do things we might not have being employed.  We call the time we share together play dates, which in some cases are just that.  As I said, we don't always reduce our shared time to just sex.  We go out and about, we watch movies and discuss the plot; sometimes we just sit and talk, and he's been a great source of strength and comfort during this time with me settling my daughter's fathers estate.  The Playmate has brought a level of balance to my life at a time when I needed a friend; intimacy, and most of all NO STRESS/DRAMA.  We completely and totally respect each other and make no demands for anything the other isn't willing or able to give. 

For a while, I was completely sure that I was Ready and Set for emotional permanence, but it's pretty obvious that I'm not and you know what?  I'm very much okay with that!

It's all possible!


MOMSWEB said...

I admire you for recognizing that you aren't ready AND for being okay with it. For some reason, we (females) tend to put the wants and needs of others before our own. Do YOU!

Mizrepresent said...

Enjoy sis, this is just what you need at the time an i don't see a thing wrong with it! Like MOMSWEB said, DO YOU!

Blu Jewel said...

@Mom - your words encourage and inspire me to ALWAYS be and do me. I feel much better being where I am now than trying to convince myself otherwise. Love you for that. Oh, very nice pic.

@Miz - oh sis, thank you; as always for embracing me.

It's all possible!

B2B said...

Most of all NO STRESS/ DRAMA

Tell that FwB dude that peeps like him come a dime a dozen Ms Jewel!

Really they do!

I appreciated reading this just as much as you did writing it!

I'm a do me!

T.C. said...

you always set the bar so high
i too admire you, you are always very real and clear with who you are and where you are...
i am constantly learning from you and i just want to say THANK YOU for always sharing with us (me)

Blu Jewel said...

@Basiks - yes, FwBs come a dime a dozen, but I got lucky with this one and as I said, while we do have sex, it's not the foundation of our relationship. At least when we do decide to end the benefits, at least there's still a friendship left.

@TC - I follow the rule that if you're going to be an example, be one worth following. I don't speak on things I won't put into practice an I certainly don't ever pretend to be someone I'm not.

It's all possible.