12 June 2007

Forward march....

I wrote this to post yesterday, but had already posted, so the depth of the content remains the same; the delivery is a day off...

The past is over and done and has no power over me. I can begin to be free in this moment. Today's thoughts create my future. I am in charge. I now take my own power back. I am safe and I am free. – Louise L. Hay

We’ve all been through a negative experience or experiences that have grown roots and planted themselves deep within our psyche and as much as we’ve wanted to put them behind us; we couldn’t.

In speaking with my blog sister this morning, we spoke of things that we held inside because we were ashamed, hurt, or disappointed by the experience or event. We spoke in depth about how that “thing” became such a part of us that it was almost as if it was an appendage in some way. In talking about our respective “thing”, we agreed that if not for Divine intervention, reconciling with the “thing”, ultimately learning to heal and move on that we have each gain control of our lives. We’ve learned that bad things are going to happen and it’s how we deal with it that is important. We agreed that with each step forward, we’re erasing a little bit more of the pain and allowing the goodness to come in and for blessings to take place. By relinquishing that “thing” that seemed to hold us captive, we’ve blossomed into beautiful flowers instead of seeing ourselves as weeds in an untended garden.

Our conversation grew into a full-fledged remission of the pain, guilt, frustration, and hiding that we’d placed on ourselves and our hearts. We released the so-called shame or stigma that was attached by ourselves or others for the experience we’d had. We spoke of growth and maturity and how the past cannot and will not define our respective futures or allow us to be held in mental or emotional bondage. We further discussed and agreed that by not speaking of the “thing” or trying to ignore the “thing” we were allowing it to maintain control and keep us from being the strong women we claim ourselves to be.

By openly acknowledging that our respective “thing” was a part of our lives makes it easier for the door to on it to be closed and remained closed instead of going through the revolving door of emotional dizziness. Our vision and thoughts become clearer; growth becomes easier, and the future is seen as an endless journey into newness, growth, and possibilities. The cynicism is reduced and the willingness to move one becomes something to look forward to. While there will be days when the cloud will surely manifest itself, it’s ability to stay and steal our joy is greatly reduced because we’re now armed with the tools to deal with it. The strength to endure, the power to overcome, faith to keep going willingly is the wind beneath our wings to help us rise and soar.

As an abuse survivor, I feel blessed that I’m now in a place in my life where speaking about it actually helps and not hurt. I do still have moments where I’m sad or something triggers a memory, but now that I’m stronger and more aware of myself, I can handle it better. I can reach out to someone who shares my story and together we can get through it. The things that happened to me held me hostage for a long time and played a major role in the demise of my true self and some of my relationships. I’m not solely to blame as the men I chose were damaged (for lack of a better word) in their own way and weren’t able to work with me, so they worked against me. I used to think it was all my fault, but again, with growth, healing, and not allowing my past to define my future; I know I’m in a better place now. I’ve grown to better love and appreciate myself instead of seeing myself as damaged goods or less than love-worthy. I know I’m not flawless, and won’t allow myself to be demeaned by words that compromise the wealth of goodness that the Lord has blessed me to be. I try to compliment myself for my good traits while tending to the things that need work. Seeing as I’ve only been doing this for a few years now with a few hiccups in between, this is all still work in progress. The most important part of it is that I’m moving FORWARD. The steps may not always be big ones, but as long as I’m taking them, I’m good. Sometime in the future whenever the good Lord sees fit, He’ll bless me with someone who can and will love me for me and the women I’ve become; and if the need arises and I have to share my past, it will be seen as the positive and not negative equation in forming the beautiful, wonderful, and uniquely special person I’ve become.

Thanks blog sis for our “phone church” and for giving me the inspiration to relax, relate, and release today.


The following is taken from Until Today! Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth and Peace of Mind – Inyala Vanzant.

June 11

I am willing to forgive myself…for all of the time I have refused to follow Divine Orders.

Pssst! Come closer. This is a message for you. It is a message intended to make you feel better about yourself. It is a message from the angles and the good spirits of life. The angles and good spirits of life are asking that you, STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSRLF FOR WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR NOT DOING! In other words, they don’t like it. They are also aware that it doesn’t make you feel too good either!

The angels and the good spirits of life have heard the things you have said to yourself and about yourself. They are simply appalled! They know that you could have, you would have. They know that when you can, you will. The angels and the good spirits of like would help you, if you would allow them to. They also understand that when you feel bad enough you will ask for help. It doesn’t have to be that way, but the angels and good spirits are aware that you have a few trust issues that require healing. In the meantime, they have issued a Divine Order that you cease and desist all forms of self-criticism, self-judgment, self-flagellation, self-punishment and self-destructive behavior. The angles and the good spirits of life forgive you for partaking in such self-dishonoring behavior in the past. Now they want you to forgive yourself and stop it!

Until today, you have spent a good portion of your day beating up on yourself for all the things you did not do to your satisfaction. Just for today, forgive yourself for the way you have treated yourself.

Today I am devoted to following the Divine Order to cease and desist all forms for self-criticism and self-judgment.


dc_speaks said...

This was a beautiful post. It was quite inspiring and full of hope and self awareness.

I certainly wish you and yours the best God has to offer you.


Anonymous said...

I'm in awe.....totally in awe....
I have to agree with DC....this post is so inspiring....overwhelmingly good for the mind and soul!!

Divine Orders.....Wish you the best in your quest....

j.a.c. said...

this was nice. i've been in similar situations so i could relate. thanks for the inspiration.

Blu Jewel said...

dc - thanks for stopping by; appreciate the support/interest. thank you for the well wishes and maybe there was something here you could use for yourself or someone else.

yaz - awe huh? wow! now i'm blushing. i hope you were able to walk away with something fo ryour own life. thank you for the additional well wishes.

jac - glad i was able to touch somoene who's been through a like situation.

jus butterfli said...

Thanks blog sis for our “phone church” and for giving me the inspiration to relax, relate, and release today.

awwwww... you're welcome! but you know what? thank you. for everything...

for being you. for being there. for understanding. for listening. for encouragement. for phone church. for tough love. for the times you baby me up. thank you... for everything.

i love you. you're a survivor bay-bee! and you are truly beautiful and blessed beyond compare!

peace and big hugs!!

jus butterfli said...

i'm baaaaack!! (lol)

my sister-friend korie always shares messages from rev run with us and the one i jus got ties in perfectly with your subject matter for today. so, i decided to return and post it!

peace, love, and hugs!!

Good morning. Take responsibility for your life, NEVER blame unjust circumstances or restrictive authorities. Doing this empowers you to make decisions that will benefit you in the long run! Patience, humility, and the willingness to eliminate what isn't really working will always free you up! (Always Remember) Ups and downs, expansions and contractions will be a part of any life! Make your life count!  Be strong... NEVER allow yourself to lose hope about your future!  :)
      God is Love,
      Rev Run

Royce's Daughter said...


Forgiveness is difficult period but when it is you that must be forgiven by you...it is 10 times as hard. We are our worst critics and we've got to do better as a people, learning to love ourselves and except of imperfections and mistakes...learn from them but then let them go and forgive from within!!!

Thanks for this message...perfect timing!

Blu Jewel said...

jus - *sniff* thank you sweetie. thanks for everything for for you jus b.in you. needed that additional commentary. tell Korie i said thanks for it.

royce - your kind words mean so much. you're right, forgiving yourself is not easy and it's even harder when the naysayers are giving you reasons to doubt yourself. i'll stand strong though and keep moving on.

BZ said...

Girl, this was beautiful. Thank you so much for writing it, and more importantly, sharing it! Know that I'm sending you a CRAZY BIG HUG today! I too am taking steps forward. And, while I still deal with those hiccups every now and again, I'm trying to recognize my worth while strengthening my weaknesses. There were many a head-nod and a few really deep breaths while reading this, all the while saying "me too". Go'head!

Love you sis!

Terry said...

Very good - very good indeed.

Rosemarie said...

You're a beautiful expression of love, forgiveness, and humility. You're finding your way to ultimate freedom and the ability to speak of the past as if it were someone else. And, rightly so, you've become a woman with purpose...whole and healed.


The Mistress said...

This post really resonated with me.

I have not been "abused" per se but I was sexually assaulted once as a teenager and it's a hard thing to struggle with. I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable talking or blogging about it but maybe I don't need to get to that point. It's private and personal and some things are only meant to be for us to reflect upon...not to be shared with the masses.

Anyway, wonderful post.

Blu Jewel said...

bz - thanks for the "crazy big hug" can't get too many of those *smile* everything you said means so much to me as it affirms my own feelings. i'm glad that reading this can help you to and with God in our lives we can move forward better and stronger than before.

Terry - thanks man!

Rose - *blush* those were some of the sweetest words i've heard said about me in a long time. thank you!! yes, i am growing to see certain things of my past as if they were someone/thing else because in some ways there were. i was so lost, confused, alone, and uncertain back then. my faith, the drive to overcome, and support has been the wind beneath me to get me through.

mistress - trust me, being open isn't for everyone and we all have to deal with our "thing" our way. for everything i've been through (which is a lot), it's been more harmful than good for me to hold it in. as i said, i'm in a more comfortable place where i can and sometimes do talk about it. by doing that, i've found myself helping others struggling with the same or similar pains.

i'm sorry you too were assaulted back then, but am happy to know you've grown in your own way to deal with it and not (hopefully) have it affect you now.

ALL - i thank each of you for your supportive and inspiring comments. Opening up about the things i've been through wasn't/isn't always easy, but as this post says, you can't hold everything in all the time. Sometimes you have to open up in order to close the door for good. I feel that i've earned the right to proudly and openly say "I'M A SURVIVOR" with the same vigor as a cancer survivor because I've overcome something that could have killed me literally as it did emotionally and mentally for a while.

At this point in my life, I feel like I've been given a second chance and I'm going to live it and live it well.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your healing.
Thank you for sharing.
Blessings for your future.
High hopes for the one who WILL come.

deepnthought said...

All I can say is, for you The best is coming. You are awesome and inspiring. I love d this post. Even though I am a day late. this was so on point for me.

Ali's Zay said...

Blu, you already know how I feel about this topic. It was only last summer that I began, for the first time, to recognize and deal with my own abuse as a youngster. And the most amazing thing about that is that I dealt with it right on my blog. My very public revelation actually caused me to lose my best friend, also a victim, because she couldn’t deal with it. But it’s OK. I, like you, am no longer a victim. We are overcomers! Today, I’m free to talk about abuse, and as you know, I talk about it at every opportunity. This cancer must be eradicated from society, and that has to start in our families.
But I digress, this is your blog, your post, and I could go on all night so... Back to you. Yes, I’m VERY proud of you. But more than that, I’m touched by your example and I’m moved to share more and do more for “The Cause”. Receive my sincerest expressions of love and affection,

Your brother,

Ali’s Zay

rayne said...

I agree with you 100% although it's not always easy to let go of the pain when you're constantly under the same attack. I'm fighting a different type of abuse. Some may laugh or think it's crazy, but I've allowed people to emotionally abuse me in a different way. I've let people walk all over me, stab me in the back, share my most intimate secrets with others, take advantage of me and play me for a fool. I always thought I was focusing on the good instead of the bad when in fact, I wasn't really seeing them for who they really are. Instead I made excuses so that they could continue to fit into the picture of what they portrayed themselves to be. Learning to see people for who they really are won't always yield favorable results and now I'm seeing that.