23 May 2008

Let go and live life

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When I saw this quote, I instantly knew it would become a post. I mean, look at it; read it; digest it; how could it not? Take some time out and review what and who is important in your life and then look at the quote again and I bet you'll suddenly realize what you need to do.

Love!

22 May 2008

Have a blessed day!

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Love!

21 May 2008

lyrically speaking

The Blu in my Jewel has been a little dim for a few days, but with prayer, good friends, and faith I'm managing to make it through. There have been some songs that have gotten me through those moments where I was holding tightly to the knot in the rope.

Check out the following links to the lyrics:

Didn't Cha Know

Strength, Courage and Wisdom

Come This Far By Faith

Standing in Need of Prayer

The Prayer

Stay up and be blessed.

Love!

20 May 2008

Happiness is…

Having God in your life
Having someone be there at just the right time; saying/doing just the right thing
Parents positively interacting with their children
Families that are functional
Taking chances instead of holding back
That first kiss
Butterflies of anticipation
Succeeding in a goal
When a negative is a positive thing
The warmth of a hug
Life through clear colored glasses
Moving forward and not looking back
Honest dialog
Being able to just be
Finding the joy in simple things/pleasures
Hearing someone say, (and mean) I love you
Having flaws but being okay with them
Knowing, loving, and being who you are
The heart of the matter
Being in the right place at the right time
The “just because” out of nowhere

Love!

19 May 2008

On becoming Daddy’s Girl

With Father’s Day approaching, I began thinking about my relationship with my father. I’m the youngest of my father’s 8 children and to the best of my recollection I have never spent a father’s Day with him. I don’t recall making any of those cute little cards in school nor do I recall even buying him a card. Seeing as I didn’t know my father until I was 5, I guess that would explain the first few years, but even after meeting and growing up with him in my life, I still don’t recall ever sending him a card. Conversely, I’ve always given my Stepfather a Father’s Day card seeing as I’ve known him my entire life. We never made that big a deal about it; we just gave him the card, wished him a happy Father’s Day and it was business as usual.

I won’t go into all the details of my life, but let’s just say, I grew up without having the proper male influence in my life. My stepfather; though a good man; was never really hands on and deferred to my mother for the child-rearing stuff. He didn’t give me those “daddy’s guidance” pep talks and looking back it hurt like hell. My biological father was as active as he could be in my life, but he still lacked in giving me the “daddy’s guidance” pep talks too and I was equally hurt by that. As an adult, it seems rather odd to have had both a father and stepfather in my life physically, but not in the ways I needed either of them to be. I guess that’s just the way it plays out sometimes.

After some years of estrangement from my biological father, we’re now speaking and on very good terms. We’ve put whatever issues I had with him aside and are building on the here and now. It’s kind of cool that in spite of his religious beliefs, arrogance, and forthrightness that I can and do talk to him pretty much how I want to. I really don’t know any other way given the fact there’s been so much distance between us and I am an adult, not a little girl now; so he can’t try to raise me now.

In somewhat of his defense, my father resided in London while I lived here with my mother, stepfather and other siblings, so there were many events in my life that he missed by default. He never saw me graduate from high school, college, basic training; or be here for the birth of lil lady. He missed my wedding and divorce too. I guess he could have been here had I invited him to any of the events, but some of them took place during a time when we weren’t in touch. It’s those things that make wonder why he didn’t reach out? As a parent myself, I wonder how I would feel knowing my child was out there in the world and I didn’t try to reach out to her. Honestly, I don’t think I could not try. It would have to have taken a grave circumstance for me not to swallow my pride and do whatever I could to find her. He did try a couple times, but his reasons were somewhat suspect and I just couldn’t deal with it at the time.

I was 39 when we started speaking again and we’ve cleared the air on some of the major issues that caused our estrangement and as I said before; it was better to just start from now than rehash the past.

What I find the most amusing is how I’m now becoming Daddy’s Girl at this stage in my life. My father now resides in his place of birth; Jamaica after retiring and moving from London. When I’m in Jamaica, I can pretty much get whatever I want and do what I want. The best part of him being in Jamaica is having a second home to go to and feel content in that space. We speak weekly and have a decent rapport. We talk about anything that comes to mind and it seems like he wants to make up for lost time as best he can. Though the years will never come back, it’s still nice to have a relationship with him now. I like knowing that I no longer feel the hurt, the pain, the loss, and the disappointment of his not being around. I enjoy the easy banter that takes place between us and his interest in what I’m doing with my life.

I’m praying with all my heart that I’ll get to spent Father’s Day with him this year. I’d like to have at least one memory of he and I sharing Father’s Day before one of us passes.

I guess it’s never too late to have something you thought was alien from your life and to feel something that was equally foreign. Though I never call my father Daddy; it’s kind of nice to feel like I’m Daddy’s Girl. *smile*

Love!

16 May 2008

Open Letter #2: What I really want to say to you.

You've shown me side of you that is cowardly, selfish, insensitive, and cruel. I've seen in you that the man you presented yourself to be isn't who you really are at all. While I recognize that to some degree I was blinded by what I wanted to see, I do realize that you were complicit in my blinding.

You get by in life walking away without explanation for your actions and think that it's okay. You expect the other person to read your mind to know and understand all the things you did not say. Uhm, newsflash...it's doesn't work that way. I'm talented in many ways, but a mind reader isn't on my resume. At one of the most crucial times in my life, you bailed on me and remained away for 7 months until I reached out and even then, you didn't seem to care enough to inquire about what I'd been through. It took prodding to get you to show an ounce of concern. Well, eff you dude, I don't need that ish in my life.

Let me really get into this...

For years, I was the best friend you'd probably ever had. I gave unselfishly and unconditionally of myself, my time, and my resources. I never asked for anything other than you be a fair and good friend to me. I look back now and see how much of our friendship was one-sided. You were always on the receiving end. Oh, I'll give you that you've sent a few cards, made some calls, been a shoulder, etc., but again, those occasions weren't frequent and you still got more than you ever gave.

Because I don't want to digress into the heat of the vulcanic fury you once had me in, I'll spare some of the details, but dude let me tell you, you're a friggin heartless coward. I can't believe that you even acted the way you did and worse yet, treat me the way you did. Yeah, we all handle crisis differently, but damn, you showed no kind of compassion for what I was going through. I've gotten better treatment from strangers than from someone who I once regarded as my twin soul. I actually wonder if I ever really knew you cause I never imagined you'd treat me like this.

Hearing you answer my question of you thinking about me lately with, "yeah, but not enough to act on it" was the biggest slap in the face and certainly the last I'll take from you. There was no hidden meaning or intimate intent of my question. It was simply to see if knowing what you knew meant enough for you to send a txt, drop an email, to say, "hope all is well". After 7 months, you don't think that's a kind thing to do? Obviously not! You know me well enough to know that it's the simple things that mean the most to me and I've respected you and whatever/whomever is in your life to not make a federal production about much.

I'm so friggin tired of holding in how I feel, so now that's it's out, you are too. Well, you actually have been for a while. I'd already deleted your contact info from my phone and deleted your email address from my contacts. I have a peculiar ability to remember certain number sequences and you've had the same number for all the time I've know you, so it's not like I'd just not remember it. Know this, I won't be txting you anymore. There is nothing left for us to say. That random txt that you got was the last one. I'm not being petty or immature. I think it's rather mature of me to get it off my chest because guess what? I'm being honest and that's something you know little about. You instead simply fade to black to not be heard from again. As Puffy would say, "that's some bitchassness!"

Never would I have thought you'd would be this way and I certainly never imagined my life without you in it, but the reality outweighs my obvious fantasy. And I don't mean fantasy of sexual intent. As I said, the thought of our no longer being friends never entered my mind, but thank you very much for altering that thought.

I won't go on record of soley stating the bad because there were many good times and there are some good memories. It's just that right now, they're completely irrelavent as I am now to you.

I love the woman I am, whom I've become, and I refuse to be a bag lady by harboring any negative feelings. It was nice while it lasted. Have a good life cause I sure as hell plan on enjoying the rest of mine.

Love!

15 May 2008

bitchassrandomness

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a while. Well, not since that little video of homeboy and is other personality. That was some funny ish right? I swear, if kids put half that creativity into doing something good, they'd be so much better off.

There's no real rhyme to reason why I haven't posted. I've been going through some things and I've needed to sort myself and my thoughts out. I'm not a quitter, but I do need to rest sometimes. I kind of missed posting and at the same time I didn't because I didn't want to feel forced to post just to say I did. I don't have a blog for ratings or popularity, but as an outlet because in spite of my absenses, I'm a pretty darn good writer. There are; however, times; like recently where writing wasn't something I wanted to do. I didn't want to be creative. I didn't want to feel that I needed to inspire anyone or say anything profound. Hell, most of what I've wanted to say would be profane and could cause a visit from the FCC. Hey, I'm being honest here.

Life has thrown me for some really crazy loops in the 11 months. I've come to terms with some things and people in my life and I'm still trying to make it to the light in the tunnel. I try to fathom how I make a decent salary and am broke more often than not. I try to understand why people say I'm such a good person, yet treat me with a lack of appreciation or understanding. Being a parent is a mofo of a job, but I signed up for it and can't resign now. My health is great, but I've been through something that made me thankful that I listened to my body and not ignore the pain. *I'll do a seperate post on that soon* As a result, it's made me even more of a health care advocate. I participate in health advocacy roundtables and try to get knowledge to take back to the community. BLACK PEOPLE NEED TO STOP THINKING THOSE EVENTS ARE JUST FOR WHITE FOLK! Yea, I said it! What? It's the damn truth.

I'm trying not to let life overwhelm me and make me feel unworthy. I call on my Father who listens to my prayers and knows the depth of what's in my heart. He listens 24/7 and has always been there to guide me even when I thought I wanted to go on another path. Faith is a great companion.

Lately, I feel moved by the power of "what if?" I've allowed myself to imagine things that I would ordinarily have ignored or dismissed. I'm allowing my heart to feel and express itself. It's a scary position to have placed myself in, but I realized that I can't go through life numb and think that I shouldn't have some intimate love or happiness in my life. While I continue to enjoy being single and celibate, I do still have feelings and miss the companionship of a male who's not a BFF or like a brother to me. I've got enough of those relationships in my life, so it's time to venture out a little. Well, it's sounds good in theory! *lol*

I'm to feeling "fat" again and I hate it. I hoped to have lost 10 pounds by now and I haven't. *ugh* While I'm within the confines of the weight standards for my age/build/height, I still feel awful. It's an issue that many of us face, but I can't address other people's issue. This is extremely personal and something that's been long ingrained into my psyche. I'm in no danger of ever having an eating disorder as I do like to eat, but I do have the tendency to become a little neurotic about it.

I pretty much don't listen to the radio AT ALL. I hate the crap they're calling music and find myself trolling iTunes for artists worthy of being recognized but aren't because they're not selling themselves out for image instead of talent or because major labels can't prostitute them. I'm deep into my Reggae Podcasts too, which give me quality music to listen to during the day at work when I'm giving the JewelPod a break.

I buy many of my polos and tanks in the childrens dept. at Target Old Navy because a Large or XL fits me well and is so much cheaper. I've become a huge fan of Aeropostale because they have nice clothes and bangin clearance sales. It feels good to get a hoodie for $4.99 instead of $44.50 and not feel like you're a season behind; or nice jeans for $4.99. I have gift cards for Macy's that I need to use, but the last time I was in there, the clothes sucked. What happened to Macy's being a pretty decent store? The ones by me suck. Maybe I'll go to the Macy's north of me or in NYC where I might actually find something worth buying.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of kids these days. I see girls going to proms in dresses that might make a hooker shudder. I hear of kids stealing from or beating up their grandmother. I see kids out of school when they should be in school. It's all too much. Where the hell did family and family values go? Where is the self-respect, kindess, and human decency go? A man was shot and killed in the development right next to lil lady's high school and I was sick to my stomach. All I could think of was how easily a kid could have been caught out there. The shooter and victim were 30 and 33 respectively, but damn, was it that serious?

I've created some new meals lately and will now be cooking for "lil sis" and her family when I'm doing my weeking cooking. I'm proud of her for asking me to help her have healthy meals for her and her family. I'd share recipies, but I actually rarely use them. I tend to create meals as I go along.

Well, I think that's all for now. I feel like I've adequately purged mentally. I wish you all a blessed day and thanks for reading.

Love!

08 May 2008

one for the humor books

I don't even know how to describe this, other than it's one of the funniest things I've seen other than what's on Oh Hell Nawl.  Please check it out and enjoy.


06 May 2008

Health Wealth

For those of use who are fortunate to receive health care benefits and have access to adequate medical care, let me ask you this; are you using it? Health care is one of the primary issues on the political climate today, but it's not an issue that is new; just one that has been brought to the forefront of late. There are varying reasons why it's a hot topic, but I'm going to share my two cents on the subject.

So, for those of us who pay for health care benefits and have access to good doctors and medical facilities, why are there so many who aren't using what they're paying for? How many people go to their primary care doctor for an annual checkup or women go to their GYN? I'm appalled at the number of people who don't see their doctors at least annually. So, why are people bitching and griping about a service they're paying for and still won't and don't use it? In a word; stupidity.

My intent it not to insult anyone, but to advocate health wealth. We sit around talking about relationships, which celeb is doing what to/with whom, but how many are talking about health care? I'd hazard a guess that the numbers are few. I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who informed me that she hasn't seen a GYN in years. I was stunned! When she told me about the problems she was having, I advised her that she needs to immediately seek a doctor and undergo some tests to isolate the issue. She informed me that she has excellent benefits and gap insurance should she have to be out of work for an extended period of time. So, my question to her was, "why aren't you using what you're paying for?" Her reply, "I don't know." Followed by, "my doctor moved and I haven't found a new one." It was at this point, the term "health wealth" came to me. Health wealth is the sharing of information that can be useful to another person in need of health care services and may not know where to go or have a point of reference.

In the continued conversation with my friend, I shared with her the story of a friend who had good health care benefits and 1) didn't adequately use it and 2) ignored the signs her body was given her and when she finally sought help, she had to have the most drastic procedure available in order to improve her quality of life and relieve her of the problems she'd been having for years. Issues like this are prevalent in our society and community.

We must start talking about real issues; issues that affect our lives and our health. We must stop ignoring the signs our bodies send us and we should seek assistance from our friends/family when we need to find a new doctor or medical facility. As a race, we're deficit in receiving adequate health care and we make it worse, but not taking care of our health concerns until it's too late. The internet provides a wealth of information where we can find the basis for some of the things that affect our health. We can speak with others who might have shared their health problems and ask them for references so we can find a doctor suitable to our needs. In addition and most importantly, we must communicate our needs to our medical providers. We have to ask questions about the tests they're sending us for; we must maintain our own records of test results and use them as a baseline for future tests; and if the service being provided for us is rushed or lacks proper explanation, then we reserve the right to withdraw ourselves from that doctor. Furthermore, we are paying for the service no differently than we would for service for our vehicles, so we must express dissatisfaction appropriately in order to receive the care we require.

We need to inquire with our family members about their health and communicate anything that seems out of the norm with our doctors. It's important for doctors to know if there's a family history or a particular illness and if you don't know; ask. We must stop keep "family secrets" when it comes to health issues because without the knowledge, our treatment options can be greatly reduced. It's also important for us to attend health care fairs where many screenings are provided free of charge and the results are given immediately. Another thing that we should consider participating in are clinical trials for medicines or treatment options. Why? Because these trials provide the foundation for whether a medicine can be used within a field of treatment or if you're already being treated for a medical condition, you're on the forefront of improved treatment options.

There are many things that we can do to play a pivotal role in the way we receive medical care; however, the primary is communication. Please take the time to get to your doctors; follow up on health care issues; encourage your friends and family to seek medical help, and stop being afraid. Fear plays another role in health care practices and we must stop being afraid to know if we have something wrong. As the saying goes; "Early detection means early cure"

Love!

Top Ten Likes/Dislikes

Good and bad of being home from work

Likes…

  1. Sleeping in
  2. Feeling relaxed and refreshed
  3. Doing things that I overlook
  4. Peace and tranquility
  5. Not having to get dressed
  6. Moving at a slower pace
  7. Knowing what’s going on in my neighborhood during the day
  8. Not having to watch my time online
  9. Being able to watch my DVDs without a time constraint
  10. Not having to interact with people

Dislikes…

  1. Being woken up by the neighbor mowing their lawn
  2. The crap that’s on daytime TV
  3. Not being able to drive
  4. Wanting to do something and can’t
  5. Knowing what the neighbors are doing during the day
  6. The barking ass dogs that won’t shut up
  7. The temptation to not follow drs orders
  8. Writers block when I have the time to write
  9. Feeling lazy
  10. I guess there isn’t a 10th…lol