It's a little sweeter!

Okay, since my last post, I've been hit by more snow than a woman a should have to shovel, but oh well, the good of the bad is that my arms, shoulders and back are in optimal condition.

Thank you all for your support and such with my last post and here's an update to that.

Since, The Him's email, we've continued to communicate as friends, although some of our conversations have taken not just a left turn Albuquerque; but went up the mountain too. How? You might ask, so I shall tell...

I volunteered to update his resume as he's going through some things at work and is seeking new employment. In doing so he thanked me and I replied saying, "my pleasure" and he sighed. Naturally, I was concerned and asked what could be wrong. He replied, "nothing I can fix right now". Me being me, said some encouraging things to boost his spirits thinking it was work related. A few minutes later, he said, "thanks. lol. It's YOU!" I blushed every hue of red, realizing the impact of what he said and meant. *cue Hawa's comment about "his little experiment*!

Anyhoo, the conversation went back and forth about his feelings for me and how connected he feels to me. This line of conversation went on for almost a week and it's blatantly obvious that his feelings are like the still river running deep and it's only the distance (he's on the left coast if I didn't mention that before) that's the problem.

So, here I am with feelings deep enough to swim in and I'm cool with that. I take comfort in knowing that the feelings involved are completely mutual and his honesty makes him even more attractive. We've lyrically spoken which is another effective means of our on-going communication and that in itself is rather attractive. *cue the harps and angels*

In closing, I'll say that this is probably the best relationship I've never had and I'm enjoying every waking minute of it. It feels good to feel and it's even better to know that there's reciprocity involved. Those who are in my innermost circle are all sending positive vibes into the universe and they're all conspiring in my favour to ensure that "his little experiment" does not produce favourable results and he becomes mine; all mine and the distance will be replaced.

It's great to have such wonderful cheerleaders in my life. *high kicks and pom-poms in the air*

There you have it readers; another update in the life of Blu Jewel.

Oh, B2B how'd do you like this pic?

It's all possible!

Happy New Year - 2010

I closed out 2009 with so much enlightenment and clarity that I couldn't do anything else but spend New Years Eve in church. I attended service in Brooklyn, NY at Christian Cultural Center and let me tell you there was some serious praise and worship going on there.

I was reluctant to attend service in my Puma tracksuit, but honestly I'm glad I did, because I felt like I got a work out from the service. I danced, I sang, and I rejoiced in the name of my heavenly Father.

I know I started my new year with a clear heart, mind, and a happy spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be an amazing year. I have a new mantra for 2010 "It's all possible". I know that success comes not always from accomplishing the goal, but at least having the courage to take the step toward it.

I wish all of you a year full of love, happiness, good health, renewed faith, and all the blessings that are yours to receive.

It's all possible!

Liberation

Okay Blog Fam, I guess it's safe to say that your girl is on a roll. This is in fact the 4th poem I've written this week. I'll get to posting the others soon enough, but there was some driving force behind this one and I had to share it with you.

Have a blessed stay folks and stay up.

Taking off my training wheels
And taking my first unsupported ride
I cruise into the elated feeling
The experience brings
Trusting in my willingness to let go
And be free; no long restrained
By the security of the firm
Instead leaning favorably toward
The possibility to falling and being helpless
And the enjoyable nefarious abandon it illicits
The equal fear and enthusiasm of stepping
Into the unknown is a risk well worth taking
If you really want to live

© Blu Jewel 2009

Love to live; live to love

from 0 to 60

As I sat here feeling a little apathetic, uninspired, and a little out of it, I decided to clean out some files on my computer and as I did, I came across something that left room for pause and suddenly energized me back into the vibrant frame of mind I typically have. It's funny how when you're feeling un or under inspired, all it takes is a little nudge to put you back on track.

Hope you enjoy this...even though I do not recall how I got it or where it came from, so whomever the author is of this; I apologize for not being able to give due credit...

You can’t be where you won’t go.

Perseverance will be the vehicle to victory.

Having a dream is only half the equation. You must put your dream into action.

Writing is a craft that not only takes practice but plenty of patience.

Networking is the key in seeing your purpose come to fruition.

Stay hungry. There is always room for improvement.

Passion is a force that can bring about change if applied.

Purpose and passion are synonymous.

Discover and rediscover the hidden treasures of your heart.

Writing is a tool that can set any mood and entice the reader to travel with you,
regardless of content.

Printed words on paper should be as effective as if you were speaking at the podium to thousands.

Destiny desires that you mentor and support others in the area of passion you are pursuing, those above and below.


Love to live; live to love!

the blessings of random acts

I took the day off today because I wanted to. I wanted to share time with someone and not have to wait for the weekend to do it. The simple pleasures were enacted and exacted and the weather; not to hot or cold; added another wonderful component to it all.

For those of you who haven't used all your vacation or leave time, please take some time off to kick back and enjoy. You don't always need a plan or something to do; just take some time for yourself or to spend with someone special.

I wish I could tell you how wonderful this day has been and have you see the smile that still sitting on my face. I'm thankful for days like this when I can give thanks and enjoy nature in its infinite splendor.

Oh, and Maxwell's new CD on repeat...oh my!

Love to live; live to love! (I damn sure am!!!)

Suicide is not an option!

In light of the many negative experiences I’ve had, it’s anyone’s guess how I managed to survive without the use of drugs, alcohol, or being promiscuous, but I’m happy to say I have. From sexual, physical, and emotional abuse to the endurance toxic relationships and self-inflicted cutting, I’ve looked back on my life with awe. I recall so many times when I wondered, “how the heck am I going to make it through this?”, but somehow I did. And although I had a sometimes contentious relationship with religion, I always understood The Word and how important faith and prayer was. Even in my darkest hours, my spirituality and faith guided me and it was that blind walk that led me through. As it’s said, “walk by faith and not by sight”.

When I made the revelation that I used to cut myself, those that I told thought I was somehow trying to kill myself; that was not the case. I was instead trying to kill the pain I felt and the conflicted feelings, which often ran through my veins with a hold worse than heroin. I’ve finally healed that issue in my life and it’s been close to 5 years (I think...I stopped counting) since I last cut myself. Even better than that, I don’t even have the desire to digress as I refuse to allow anything or anyone to stress me that badly. I’m blessed to have a really good foundation of support to rest on when my own footing is weak.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize and recognize that suicide in any form is not an option. We all find ways to ‘kill’ ourselves and it must stop. We must find ways to reduce and eliminate pain in our lives. We must find a spiritual place to release ourselves and find the strength to go on and endure. We must get out of relationships platonic or intimate that bring no real joy or substance to our lives; stop holding onto people that simply aren’t worthy of you, your love, or your time. Although this economy doesn’t afford many to find alternative employment, so if you have to remain in a position you don’t like, find a way to make it work for you instead of you for it. There is no encore for life; this is it so adhere to the following:

Birth Certificates show that we were born.
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

How many pictures do you have?

This prayer was in my Daily Devotional today…

God of abundance, thank you for your grace. How great are all the blessings that fill our lives! Amen.

I find it completely appropriate for not only this post, but for life as a whole. And when you need a spiritual boost; this song will give you some support, joy, and guidance.

Can't Give Up Now - Mary Mary

There will be mountains that I will have to climb
And there will be battles that I will have to fight
But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide
But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials
Never said I wouldn’t fall
Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go
But when my back is against the wall
And I feel all hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky
And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

[Hook:]No you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely
Even when I can't see clearly
I know that you are with me (so I can't)

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Love to live; live to love!

bittersweet

It's almost the two year anniversary of finding out I had breast cancer. I'm extremely happy, grateful, and blessed to have come out on the other side with my life and health; however, it doesn't stop me from feeling a little sad. It was a devastating blow to my life and health and something that I was ill-prepared for given that I was deemed to be in excellent health.

Life is truly a blessing and something that should not be taken for granted. None of us are promised another day and we must give thanks and praise daily for being here. Put time and energy into taking care of yourselves as you would the cars you drive. Love those in your life unconditionally. Forgive and forget; it's easier said than done I know, but better in the long run. Open your heart to receive love and all the blessings set before you. Find the joys in the small things. Seek the positive in any negative; this experience gave me my mother back, so there's hope out there. Most of all make every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year count.

In closing, I must implore each of you to be a part of my mantra...LOVE TO LIVE; LIVE TO LOVE...you'll one day thank me for those words.

truth be told

I think that women are their own worst enemy, but are so often in denial about it

Women think about sex as much as, if not more so than men do

Trading sex for having your bills paid makes you a prostitute; you're being paid for a service

Kids today are morally bankrupt because most of their parents are

Money can buy many things, but not real happiness

It's so true that if you're unhappy with yourself, you can't/won't be happy with somoene else. No one can fix you, but you

Love is not just another 4-letter word

just because you can, doesn't always mean you should

even when doing the right thing means doing a hard thing; do it anyway; you'll be glad you did

when you ask someone for the truth, expect that you might actually get it and they're not wrong for what they've said

if you forget where you came from, you'll never know how far you've come

when you truly love yourself, you're never alone because you're always surrounded by good company

love to live; live to love!

The Power of Forgiveness

So, it's New Years Eve, late afternoon, and I'm in bed trying to take a nap.  I'm unsuccessful in my attempt and my mind is racing.  It's too early in the day to take a Xanax, so I'm laying there listening to the voices having a party in my head.  A nagging and annoying repetition comes to mind and I finally yield and text the words, "I forgive you".  I didn't really care if I got a reply or not as the text wasn't so much about him, but about me being able to finally let go of a pain I'd been carrying even though I thought I was over it.

Hours later, I get a text back saying, 

Him:  "I forgive you too, but who's this?"  

I knew he knew who it was, but I humored his reply and replied saying, 

Me:  "it's Blu".  

Him:  "well hello, happy new year".

Me:  "same to you"

Nothing more was said and closure was established...or so I thought.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon...

So, I'm home and I have to leave the house thought I don't want to, so I'm procrastinating like a mug.  I end up on the landline with male BFF and my cell rings.  It's him!  I let it ring as I'm debating whether or not to answer the phone.  I finally answer, deciding that I have no reason to ignore him as it would then obligate me in some way to return his call.  After the initial caution, formalities, and small talk; we actually start having a conversation.  

Readers when I tell you that forgiveness closes a door and opens another, it truly does.  OMG! I can't even begin to tell you how therapeutic it's been for me.  We spoke for almost an hour, held back some tears, and put some real and true closure on the turn of events that ended our 12 year friendship.  Many heartfelt apologies were extended (he to me) and I accepted each one with genuine appreciation and extended a positive for any of his negatives.  By conversations end, we both felt so much better and wished each other well with our respective lives.  

I don't know when we'll speak again and it doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I listened to that nagging feeling and found a way to heal and move on.  And that journey of a single text, opened the floodgates of an amazing reunion with some old friends whom I haven't seen or spoken to in like 20 years.

I'll tell you that story another day.

Love!

the view!

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you’.

Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present.

The irony of this post, is that I’m not in a happy place right now. My first cousin (in Jamaica) got washed away in hurricane Gustav and has been declared dead, though his body hasn’t been found yet. A very close family friend died and was cremated on my birthday. Another first cousin’s husband was killed in a car accident. My granny had a mini stroke and was hospitalized. My male BFF’s father just passed away after a long illness. And my dude gave me a ration of drama over semantics. So, needless to say, the sparkle in the jewel is a little dim right now. In fact, to sum up my emotions, I’m feeling rather pissed off, tearful, lost, hurt, offended, and even a little angry, but I do know that it’s a passing phase. I will not allow myself to wallow or have a pity party. I know this all shall pass and life continues in spite of. I also know life is too short to watch it pass me by. I have life and I plan to live it and live it well. I know the Lord didn’t bring me this far to leave me, so like the blind man who saw the beauty in the world, I, too, shall seek and find all the joy, beauty, and happiness that exists around me and appreciate it all.

Excerpt from It's Gonna Rain by Kelly Price...
Count it on joy (Oh...yeah)
Mornin' will come (After the rain)
The sun will shine (So keep your head up)
Keep your head high ('cause God will take care of you)

It will rain (Oh, yes, He will)
There'll be pain (Some times there will be pain)
Trouble will come (Oh...whoa...ho...)
Understand (Count it on joy)


And today, I shall count it all joy!

Love!

Health Wealth

For those of use who are fortunate to receive health care benefits and have access to adequate medical care, let me ask you this; are you using it? Health care is one of the primary issues on the political climate today, but it's not an issue that is new; just one that has been brought to the forefront of late. There are varying reasons why it's a hot topic, but I'm going to share my two cents on the subject.

So, for those of us who pay for health care benefits and have access to good doctors and medical facilities, why are there so many who aren't using what they're paying for? How many people go to their primary care doctor for an annual checkup or women go to their GYN? I'm appalled at the number of people who don't see their doctors at least annually. So, why are people bitching and griping about a service they're paying for and still won't and don't use it? In a word; stupidity.

My intent it not to insult anyone, but to advocate health wealth. We sit around talking about relationships, which celeb is doing what to/with whom, but how many are talking about health care? I'd hazard a guess that the numbers are few. I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who informed me that she hasn't seen a GYN in years. I was stunned! When she told me about the problems she was having, I advised her that she needs to immediately seek a doctor and undergo some tests to isolate the issue. She informed me that she has excellent benefits and gap insurance should she have to be out of work for an extended period of time. So, my question to her was, "why aren't you using what you're paying for?" Her reply, "I don't know." Followed by, "my doctor moved and I haven't found a new one." It was at this point, the term "health wealth" came to me. Health wealth is the sharing of information that can be useful to another person in need of health care services and may not know where to go or have a point of reference.

In the continued conversation with my friend, I shared with her the story of a friend who had good health care benefits and 1) didn't adequately use it and 2) ignored the signs her body was given her and when she finally sought help, she had to have the most drastic procedure available in order to improve her quality of life and relieve her of the problems she'd been having for years. Issues like this are prevalent in our society and community.

We must start talking about real issues; issues that affect our lives and our health. We must stop ignoring the signs our bodies send us and we should seek assistance from our friends/family when we need to find a new doctor or medical facility. As a race, we're deficit in receiving adequate health care and we make it worse, but not taking care of our health concerns until it's too late. The internet provides a wealth of information where we can find the basis for some of the things that affect our health. We can speak with others who might have shared their health problems and ask them for references so we can find a doctor suitable to our needs. In addition and most importantly, we must communicate our needs to our medical providers. We have to ask questions about the tests they're sending us for; we must maintain our own records of test results and use them as a baseline for future tests; and if the service being provided for us is rushed or lacks proper explanation, then we reserve the right to withdraw ourselves from that doctor. Furthermore, we are paying for the service no differently than we would for service for our vehicles, so we must express dissatisfaction appropriately in order to receive the care we require.

We need to inquire with our family members about their health and communicate anything that seems out of the norm with our doctors. It's important for doctors to know if there's a family history or a particular illness and if you don't know; ask. We must stop keep "family secrets" when it comes to health issues because without the knowledge, our treatment options can be greatly reduced. It's also important for us to attend health care fairs where many screenings are provided free of charge and the results are given immediately. Another thing that we should consider participating in are clinical trials for medicines or treatment options. Why? Because these trials provide the foundation for whether a medicine can be used within a field of treatment or if you're already being treated for a medical condition, you're on the forefront of improved treatment options.

There are many things that we can do to play a pivotal role in the way we receive medical care; however, the primary is communication. Please take the time to get to your doctors; follow up on health care issues; encourage your friends and family to seek medical help, and stop being afraid. Fear plays another role in health care practices and we must stop being afraid to know if we have something wrong. As the saying goes; "Early detection means early cure"

Love!