04 June 2009

it's in his/her kiss

If anyone had heard the conversation Lil Lady and I were having the other day, they would not have thought a 17 y/o would have been conversing with her mother; but we're cool like that and talk about anything. So, what were we talking about? Kissing!

I've had a long-standing philosophy that if you can't kiss, you can't f*ck! It's something I determined in my late teens after I'd broken up with my high school boyfriend, whom while an arse hole, was in fact a great kisser and good lover. He was the only man I'd known and having been with him for two years (16-18), I'd learned a fair amount about sex and intimacy.

During my freshman year of college, I had a crush on a basketball player. He was tall, cute, nice body; all the things a young woman wants in a man, but when it came to kissing, he was awful. I felt like an algae fish was on my face. I got no sparks; nada, zilch, zip, zero. I figured it was a fluke as we were both a little nervous, so I let it slide. The next time I kissed him, it was an immediate replication of the first and I decided that he would not be a suitable match for me. I promptly ended my interest in him. I reconciled myself to not dating and keeping books and my frequent trips to NYC as my priority. Some time later, a young lady expressed an interest in said baller and asked if I was still seeing him. I told her no and she asked why. I cited that we were incompatible and left it at that. She pressed for details, inquiring if he was a jerk, insensitive, etc. Wanting to spare sullying his name, I tried to maintain a generic reason, but she again pressed, so I told her he couldn't kiss. She seemed stunned that that would be a reason and I told her my philosophy and one that has been confirmed by myself and others to be true. I told her she was willing to do whatever she wanted with my information; save for telling him my actual reason (which he never knew).

She began dating him and that ended maybe a couple of months after we'd spoken. I wasn't aware it was over when I inquired and she immediately told me that I was right. Duh? Really? Of course I didn't say that to her, but you know I thought it. She said, his kisses were wet and sloppy and his sex was equally awkward and messy. She'd gone as far as to inquire (casually) about his skills with a couple of other girls (he was an upperclassman) and they likewise said he wasn't "all that" or a "disappointment". She told me that she now wishes she'd listened to me and would add my philosophy to her repetoire of deal breakers when seeking a relationship.

Okay, story told for history. Now to my point...

It really is in how a man kisses that you know whether or not you want to go any futher. His kiss will tell you many things and if you can see past worrying about his hurt feelings for you prematurely ending your interest in him, you'll agree that he probably would have been lousy in bed. I've shared my view with my boys and other males that I know and they, too are in compliance. Kissing is the gateway to sex and intimacy. In fact, kissing is the greatest form of intimacy; hence, why prostitutes do not kiss on the mouth. Did you think they didn't do it for no reason?

Now, think back to some bad kisses in your day and you'd slept with any of them, was the sex bad? You don't need to name names; we respect the privacy of others and will protect the orally challenged. *lol*

All jokes aside though, if my 17 y/o who's kissed two boys in her entire precious life knows this, then there is something to be learned here. Please don't think you can 'train' someone how to kiss as you're only going to get frustrated and ultimately lead them to thinking they're actually able to be a match for you. Remember two good people aren't always good together. Chemistry is a powerful tool and something that can not be manufactured. Imagine being in the height of sexual emotion and arousal and whom you're with kisses you and it's all sloppy and ish and it skunks your entire groove? That would be like someone bumping the turntable and the vinyl skipping. That's a bad look as the whole party is now shut down.

I've been fortunate to respond quickly and efficiently to ending kisses that aren't favorable and as previously stated, found a way to end the progression of the relationship before I had the misfortune of having my sexual experience turn into a disaster. I think of one person in particular who's got kissing on lock and damn if he didn't ever prove his worth in that kiss. I promptly and well-deservingly assigned 'Kiss of Life' as his theme song because that kiss was truly like my kiss of life. To date he's managed to maintain his Hall of Fame status and that's one hell of an achievement on his part.

So, my PSA and lesson learned for the day is...Kiss and tell...tell him/her that there are incompatibilties that will not aspire to a good progression of the relationship if that's the direction you're heading in. It's better to be honest and roll out than to stick it out and settle for less than stellar intimacy; that's just not a good thing. However, if kissing ain't your thing, then you go ahead and do you in however you see fit; cause I'm not one to knock what is acceptable to another. Just don't bring that sloppy ish my way!!!!

Love to live; live to love!


Terry said...

LOL - Only you could come up with a sexual litmus test like this. You are something indeed.

QueenBee said...

Wow. You sure did hit on some good pointers. First, it's good that you and your 17 year old can talk. I'm all for that. Second, girlfriend, now that I look back over a few bad guys, you are certainly right about the kissing stuff. At first I just thought it was bad chemistry and we weren't working out for some odd reason, yeah the oddest kiss ever. So true.

Keith said...

When I was still a virgin...I used to listen to a lot of women talk about "technique" and kissing and
what have you and I took notes..

Some years later,I was involved with an older woman (I was 19, she was 21) and she was impressed with what I already knew, but she took me a few steps further..taught me some things I didn't know that blew my mind..To this day I am in debt to her..She was one of the best kissers..soft lips, et al..Taught me to take my time, taught me to tease and to softly move in,et al.. I'll never forget
her. (Unfortunately she is no longer among the living..but she
was a great teacher)A lot of guys could use a good teacher..Very few things like kissing or lovemaking is natural...Most of what we know is learned.

Keith said...

Kissing is the gateway to great sex. I have always found that to be true.

Grover Tha Playboy said...

This was a good post...My first time here on your site...You look like you are a great kisser!

Mizrepresent said...

Hahaha, my sister you are so right...it is the GREAT test, true test of intimacy. I love to kiss and have been told by many that i am a really good kisser (which i know)...so i judge kissing very highly, very, very highly, first of all it is the one thing i have the most experience in...in fact i've been kissing at least 80% of my entire life...therefore i'm like a kiss connoieseur (lol)...just kidding, well maybe not but i so understand what you are saying here.

BZ said...

TELL IT! :-) I enjoyed the read, sis! Hope life is lovely around your way! *BIG HUGS*

Mr.Slish said...

Your kiss test is fine and all but I have a sure fire way to see if the woman you're involved with is a freak! Actually I have quite a few...hmmm Sounds Like I need to write a blog post about it. Right after I finish my Dragon slayer story...lol

Anonymous said...

*standing next to Keith* Just to provide a somewhat opposing view point, there is something to be said for teaching a young man what he needs to know.

We were all awkward at one time. No one is born an Adonis or Venus. Those who know their way around the opposite sex learned either by trial and error or direct instruction.

Assuming that one has no time or patience to instruct, there is always the virtue of just letting the person know. Sounds like a lot of women were willing to just pass (actively or passively) him on to the next "victim." Wouldn't any of us want to know if our fly was down or if our breath stank?

Just a thought...

Luv ya Blu!

CareyCarey said...

I am going to stand next to Sojourner G on this one. A women told me that there was no such thing as a bad sex partner. Seek first to understand/ ask not,want not.

Partners mean 2 individuals. I believe a good lover wants to first please their partner. I can go on about this but I do use a kiss as a gage of the character of the individual. I mean, a women with dirty tennis shoes, nails or funky breath is a no-no. I can't teach a grown women how to care about their own hygiene.

Side note: good lovers does not equal a good person. It says a person is good at jumping up, around and in another person. That's why prostitution will live on.

To some degree, good lovers equal lonely babies mommas. Good lover and a good person is the shit.

I've run into women that hadn't been taught to kiss but it was alright in the morning because I said, hey baby, try this.

Her Side said...

Preach da truth, sistah. LOL
Kissing is a hugely intimate act, and as you've noted, can be more intimate than sexual intercourse.

I agree to a point with the comments about teaching and explaining. That is probably only worth it if other points of chemistry and compatibility are off the charts. Dangit... we're grown folks now. It seems like a stretch to start at ground zero with instructions for somebody who's been on this earth for decades. hehe

Anonymous said...

Um, let me speak. Kissing is not better than sex, but sex can be better when those involved know how to kiss. :)

French kissing -- tongues intertwined -- at 17...the hormones are going crazy!

MOMSWEB said...

Yuck...I've always hated swapping spit and I still do. Yuck!