08 January 2010


Men – Do you routinely practice acts of chivalry? I’m defining it as, doing things for woman that could have been taught in “charm” school or that are considered old school/traditional behavior. Do you have a problem opening doors, being prompt, allowing the woman to go first; things of that nature? How many of you still believe in the fine art of courting and dating? Yes, it’s a given that you might sex; hell, we want it too, but are you willing to wait for it?

Women – Do you routinely accept or expect this kind of behavior? Are you willing to allow the man to lead, to do kind things without thinking he has an agenda, and would you reciprocate in kind? Do you also believe in the art of being courted and dated? Are you willing to wait for sex?

Why am I asking this? Well, as a strong, independent, and assertive woman, I still appreciate and sometimes expect those traditional/chivalrous values. I carry myself in a ladylike manner and expect to be treated accordingly. I thoroughly enjoy being treated like a lady. I still hold an appreciation for the traditional values that don’t seem to be taught in our homes and society these days. How can we expect our children to know how to act if they’re not taught?
We need to get out of the habit of thinking sex or attraction equals the making of a good relationship. We need to seek substance, good and consistent qualities and not think that because he looks good on paper, makes him a good mate. Think about the character Blair Underwood played in Madea’s Family Reunion who from the outside was the perfect catch; meanwhile he was beating chicks ass often. Instead of Mr. Looks Good on Paper, why not consider Mr. Cable Guy who can fix ish around the house, listen to you when you’ve had a bad day, instead of beating your ass at the end of it.

Men, I’m asking you to stop treating woman as disposable objects and consider how you’d feel if some dude was doing that very same thing to your mother, sister, or daughter. I’m asking you to see beyond the fat ass and tig ol bitties! Look for her heart and her entire being. Find her core and share yours with her.

In speaking with a man who not only routinely, but proudly treats women in a polite and respectable fashion, he advised me that some women do not like it or understand it. I looked at him like, “are you serious?” In a day and age where women are often complaining there are no real men still in the world, here one is and he’s being under appreciated. He said, there was an occasion where he took a woman to a formal function and she didn’t know how to use the various utensils. On another occasion he said, the woman he was out with asked him what he wanted/expected because he was treating her in such a nice way. Can you believe such a thing? Sadly we can, because women have and continue to sell themselves out for dinner, a bill payment, or something material thing. I thought it was a shame that a woman would even think like that. But I guess it’s the times we live in where everything comes with a price.
If, as a man or woman don’t know how to receive this treatment, speak to someone you know who has a good relationship and ask for some advise. Let’s all stop hiding behind walls to so-call protect ourselves and instead work with and for each other to bring the walls down. Let’s start with the root and work upward from there. Let’s have real and honest dialogue and get to know the real person behind the suit, overalls, nice car, home, or whatever gets you so easily caught up and distracted.

Personally, a man who opens/holds doors, escorts me under an umbrella, has good table manners, engages in good and interactive conversation is wonderful. No, it’s not just about sex, it’s simply about being polite and respectable. As ladies, we should learn to accept and appreciate that there are men who still uphold these values and show him that we enjoy it. Remember it’s the simple things that carry the most weight. My brothers, please learn these things if you haven’t already and my sisters, allow a man to lead and show him you are thankful that he’s treating you like a lady and not like a bitch or ho.

My brothers and sisters, there is no harm in being single and wear that title proudly. You still as empty after hooking up as you were before you did it, so consider how much you’re really getting for what you’re giving. Temporary gratification is no match for long term reward/satisfaction. I was celibate for almost 3 years once before and I’ll do it again before I use myself as a cum dumpster in the name of sexual independence.

Let’s get out there and teach our children and our neighbours the value of self-worth/respect. Hell, let’s check our peers and help them see the error of their ways. We can’t help each other if we talk about them instead of too them. I know what you’re saying, “they’re grown, they’re gonna do what they wanna do”. Yes, that could very well be true, but consider that this could be simply learned behavior because no one taught them any better or they didn't have any real examples to follow.

Let’s try to think outside the box luvies and start doing things to uplift ourselves in order to have relationships of substance. Remember this though, you can’t ask for something of another if you’re not right with yourself first.

It's all possible!


LadyLee said...

*lee cheesing hard like Celie cuz Blu posting everyday*

"We need to get out of the habit of thinking sex or attraction equals the making of a good relationship."

THAT right there is the root of the problem. Bad habit indeed.

Good advice all around.

Live to Love! Love to Live!
It's all possible!
(and whatever else you like to holler)

Blu Jewel said...

@Lady - LMAO! You are too funny. So, I've got 7 posts up in 8 days, not too shabby. The part you quoted is one of the biggest problems we have and it goes cross gender. I see you've been saving my mantra's. You're my shero LadyLee!

It's all possible!

Luv said...

so i say again..you should run a seminar for young women

Jama Johnson said...

Never did a "chivalrous act" for a lady ever since I was embarrassed by two older women whom I left my seat only to be ignored until I sat back on again.

I am also a proud virgin and 30 plus and professionally educated to a much higher level. So I never understand people who make such a big deal about being self styled celibate for few years or few months.

Blu Jewel said...

@Luv - it is my goal and intention to do just that. I've been mentoring my cousin for the past four months and she's really learned a lot so far. I'm also gearing up to do something at our Woment's Day program at church. I think it's extremely important to educate young women and also young men on how to be more positive and proactive in their lives.

@Jama - Thank you for stopping by. It's unfortunate that those women couldn't appreciate your generous act; however, you shouldn't stop doing that because of them. I respect and applaud your virginity. Because you've not had sex, it may be a little more difficult to understand celibacy. It's different for every person, but for me it was cleansing, healing, and a process for me to center on more tangible things instead of yeilding to the physical need for pleasure.

It's all possible!

QueenBee said...

Girl, hubby and I believe that chivalry is not dead. He will open the doors for me and help me out the car and if someone sees him doing it, they say he is being a whimp. He tells them maybe they should try it at home.

FreeMan said...

As a Man who would get hit by my mother as a kid if I didn't open the door or walk on the right side of the street I can attest to the guy saying women don't know what to do with it. Many of dates have went down where the woman I was with was trying to figure me out and I had to explain to her I do this all the time.

Now I didn't learn this the nice way as I was punished for not doing it all the time. My mother would get mad if I didn't do it for my sisters.

I don't think women know what to do with someone who is willing to wait and get to know them. They have been betrayed so many times that it's a stretch like a stray cat to trust. So even if you teach your boys how long will they deal with women who have a problem trusting people.

Manners have served me well. Chivalry has only helped me with the random woman who I gave my umbrella too, or got her out of a bad situation at a club, or gave 3 bucks to get on the train, or went to get gas for her car when she had kids in her car, or carried boxes for. BUT, in my relationships it's the exact opposite because they all think I'm trying to impress them for sex. The thing they don't figure out is if I didn't do any of it I could probably still have sex with them. So why not enjoy the chivalry because it's not dead but alot of you women are killing it very slowly.

Blu Jewel said...

@FreeMan - I applaud you to the highest. I commend your ability to do right regardless of whether or not it was well received. I do have a major issue with any woman who can not receive this treatment in the sincerest integrity in which is was given. I truly understand the trust thing, but if she's been burnt so many times and now someone is not only finally; but consistently treating her well, then she should go out on faith that he is a man of honourable intent. Sadly, these are the same women who say they want a good man.

So many women have put themselves in the positions their in by giving up sex for attraction, security, or whatever. They've stopped valuing themselves so they can't see when a man actually sees them as something of value. These women are the ones I hope to reach as I progress on my journey.

I pray your queen will come and will take her rightful place on the throne next to you because from what I've read, you're certainly a worth king.

It's all possible!

Blu Jewel said...

@Queen - I'm sorry I overlooked you. Maybe if these men stopped trying to be so macho, they could actually try it at home.

It's all possible!