18 December 2006

??Ever wonder??

Think of pivotal moments in your life where you had to make a decision and now that the decision has been made, do you ever think about how your life could have changed as a result?

For some unknown reason, I thought about that today. I thought about the month long vacation I took after high school and called home to say I wasn't coming back. I currently wonder where I would be in life had I decided to remain in London instead of coming back to the states. I wonder what my current employment would be; whether or not I'd be married; have kids; etc. I know I can't ever know because there's no turning back the clock, but it doesn't stop me from wondering.

I sat quietly for about 30 minutes and contemplated that call, my reasons for not wanting to return to the U.S, and even allowed myself to project events. In my mind, I saw myself enrolled in a university continuing my studies in language and commerce, which was my course of studies prior to moving here. I saw myself studying in France, to further my ability to speak my first choice foreign language and continuing my ability to speak German and Russian also. I thought about what kind of boyfriend I might have had. Would I have finally snagged Delroy Pinnock, the dark chocolate good friend of my older brother, whose smile could give the sun a run for its money? His smooth, silky voice that drove me nuts when he spoke, and that same voice that could belt out tunes; leading him to release a song on wax. Maybe we would have made it and if lifes timing was kind, we'd marry, procreate and bring a child into the world. Or if not he, maybe I'd fall for a charming French man named Jean-Luc much like the one I'd met in my teens while in France for a week whose voice spent me as his French-infused English speaking let me know how much I'd learn to love accents. Hell, maybe I'd never marry or have children and simply travel the world as an ambassador, or translator for international businesses. Maybe I would have become a writer and bless the literary community with my works and end up on Best Seller lists worldwide.

I'll never know what could have happened had I stuck to my guns when I made that phone call, but it sure was fun to reflect and think about the possibilities. (sigh)

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

FIRST!

I feel you. Sometimes I wonder, had I kept up with DB Footballer after high school, would we have married? He went into the army after high school (a year ahead of me) and we wrote letters (actual letters!) every day. I remember the sound in his voice when I told him I'd be moving half-way across the country to go to college. He played "Far Behind" by Candlebox after I moved away, to tell me how he felt. I wonder what things would be like had I remained here, or had I taken up one of the schools that offered me field hockey scholarships (would I be coaching now?). Or if I'd not allowed myself to gain the weight I gained after high school? Life would be very different. However, I try not to ponder it too often, as my faith keeps me trusting in that all is exactly as it should be at this exact moment. Praise God!

T.C. said...

Wow that's deep...over seas young fresh and ready to go...I often wonder about if O and I had made it, would I be living in South Jersey, woud we be married, with 2.5 kids the white house and big yard...what if I would have went to Alabama State like my mother wanted me to go, or an HBCU instead of boring UMBC for undergard, what if I would have left after undergrad and went to the mid-west, Chi-town or TN to start a new job...
What if....
but then I bring it back and just appreciate my life for what it is, and where its going...

I know how it feels, but no regrets, just pushing forward, for ever grateful for life's lessons...and the changing seasons...its cool to think back...but you know me, gotta keep looking forward

Anonymous said...

I respect that and i cant help but to be selfish and say that I might not have ever known of your existence, but those are all wonderful thoughts, and i would have loved for you to speak french to me, but yadayada, and what disclaimer might i have added, that if you dont think i am the best at what i do then meet me in the sheets. Ima baaaaaad mannnn.

jus.b.fli said...

heyyyy miss thang!

since you already cussed me out last night, i didn't see any reason to go for 2 days in a row, so here i am... right on time this damn time!! (LOL)

i loved this post. i too find myself looking back on the life choices i've made and wondering what things would be like for me now if i had opened door #3 instead of door #6 or if i hadn't made decisions based strictly on what i now know was the sheer ignorance of youth!!

oh well. it is what it is and all i can do is make the best of what i've got today, but like you said, it sure is fun to reflect on it. ;)

Peace, Momma!

Terry said...

Not to slow your roll, this is a good thing to think about, but...

I usually don't think too much about the "what ifs". If I do, I'm afraid I won't spend enough time thinking about the "what nexts".

BluJewel said...

Thank you for sharing your Ever Wonder? with me. It's nice to get to know each of you a little better even though that wasn't exactly my intention. I guess I should have added that i have a beautiful AND smart daughter that came into my life at just the right time and has given me nothing; well, mostly nothing (lol) but joy. Had i not come back she wouldn't be here. i can't say i have any true regrets because what i've been through since that phone call have all been lifes lessons and i am the woman i am today as a result.

BZ - you are too funny with the FIRST! ain't mad atcha though cause i like being the first poster too!

T.C - SoJo huh? we're gonna have to talk about that offline

Nique - all that flattery is making me blush!!!

j.s.f i guess that cussin you got paid off and now you know your place...lmbao!!!!!!!

Terry, as always you have a good addage "what next?" man, mine is gonna be one hella ride and i hope to take you all with me.

Anonymous said...

You have a very sharp mind Blu & if still in London, would probably have engaged in an occupation that required a lot of brainpower.
But yes, I do think of how different decisions could have affected my life. Yet, ironically, it is hindsight that stays so generous with wisdom.
However, I believe our destinies have been mapped out for us and God knows the outcome of our every choice.
But a lovely reflective post this & now I wonder, darling, what happened t Delroy Pinnock?

oh memories...memories...

(((Blu)))

The Mistress said...

Oh yeah I always used to play the "What If" game. What if my parents had stayed married, what if I chose to stay on the East Coast rather than move here...all those questions.

Then I realized that things happen for a reason and the way my life is RIGHT NOW is the way it's meant to be. :-)

Anonymous said...

You left after high school and never returned?

Oh Wow!

What a bold move.

How did your parents take that? How long did it take for you to come back to the States?

Hawa said...

I often wonder if I would have true love by now if I hadn't wasted 5 or so years with my ex-husband. I settled...and it cost me.

He wasn't wrong. It was wrong. We both wasted time. Yesterday was the first time I truly felt a need to apologize to him for my part in the drama. I wanted to make him a monster in my mind, but I was a player in the same game. Although I didn't actually apologize, I can finally imagine us eventually being real friends instead of tentative ex's.

As always, thanks for the post, Blu!

jc said...

I've often wondered what would have happened if my girl had left me like she said she was gonna. She'd put up with me and my bs for years and finally decided to give me up. It was about two months before she found out she was pregnant. Her sister told me cause she wasn't going to and she wasn't sure about keeping the baby. The one phone call changed everything about me and my life. It's far behind me know, but from time to time I have wondered what things would be like for me if she hadn't been pregnant or if her sister didn't call me.

Man, that's one of the only times I've been thankful for someone else being in someone's biz.

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Brotha Buck said...

I can't think about the what ifs. I've passed up so many great opportunities, I'd probably be rich now.

Anonymous said...

Even though I KNOW I should never think back and wonder...the humanity in me often gives in and does it. The best thing is to remember that whatever decisions you made were all according to God's plan for you :)

PS - Reading your comments on my blog was an inspiration to get it started again...thanks.

Anonymous said...

A shiver runs down my spine, I'm getting goose-bumps, my stomach is churning a bit, and I'm getting light-headed. YES, I wonder... Now I have to write a post to excorcise my bones of these memories.

Xavier said...

What the f#ck! That last post was NOT anonymous, it was ME, Xavier, a.k.a. Alizé, president and founder of Lovers Anonymous. LOL

You know what this means right? Time to drop your old blogger and move on up.

Lyrically speaking said...

Yes, I definitely can relate, about six years ago I made the decision to move to the Eastcoast without looking back and barely had money in the bank. I wonder what would have happened if I didn't jump up and move...I feel it was the best decision I have ever made for myself mentally and emotionally. Great post.

urban butterfly said...

I wonder about things like that too. As a person who thinks alot (and perhaps too much), I tend to have these types of thoughts regularly. I often think about how things could be different in my life if I would have made certain decisions. One of the biggest decisions that could have totally changed my life was my decision to either go into the air force, or go straight to college after high school. I chose to go to college and I'm so glad I did.