28 August 2008

In taking my daily rest in the Cheap Seats and something stood out in one this post Vaginal Conversation that I can’t seem to shake.

Terry, the ever vocal, trash-talking; scotch drinking; cigar smoking, fat, white guy (his words not mine) said this, “…p*ssy isn’t the goal; it’s a gift” and I’ve been gobsmacked ever since.

The more I think about it; the more I agree with it. I think we focus too much on what’s so readily available and easy to get than working toward earning it. It’s treated with such little regard by men and women that it’s any wonder there is such little moral value in our society. No, I’m not getting onto a moral pedestal, but what I am doing is speaking to something that so few are really paying attention to.

Here’s a scenario…man meets woman…they hit it off…they talk a bit…go out…sleep together…suddenly realize they’ve really got nothing in common or really don’t like each other after all…relationship ends…or they decide the sex is good and continue to see each other in spite of the other things not being in place.

This pattern is a trend for many people and one that leads to so many of the jacked relationships we hear about.

My humble opinion says, why not fight the urge for sudden instant physical gratification and see if the person is really worth giving so much of yourself to? Trust and believe I know it’s hard, but it’s a far cry better than doing something of minimal value and not having anything of merit to show for it than waiting. It’s sad that people are more willing to shed their clothes than to share their true selves.

I’ve often wondered what really goes on in the minds of those who have more notches than they can even recall. I wonder if they regret any of the meaningless sexual encounters they’ve had or regret giving so freely of themselves to still end up alone? This inquiring mind truly does want to know. Quantity in this instance does not and should not equate to quality or substance.

I recently thought about lil lady and her boyfriend of two years and how they’ve talked about being together for life and I recall being a bit troubled by it. Now, that I’ve given it some more thought, the idea doesn’t bother me so much because at least I know they truly love and care for each enough to wait and be sure of their actions. If teens can get it, how come we can’t/won’t. They may very well change their minds and end up with others, but the fact still remains that they love/care enough about each to do what’s in their best overall interest.

Blog fam, we’re already a community broken and this behavior trend plays a key role in why. Yes, I realize other races probably have this issue to, but I’m speaking on my community. With the HIV rate skyrocketing, it’s one more reason to slow your roll.

“Sometimes doing the hard thing, is doing the right thing”. I’ve heard this quote said a couple of ways and this is my best recollection of it and it speaks volumes in so many ways.

Goal or gift; what's you’re say?



MysTery said...

Gift honey!!

Good post.

Trina said...

I say - with men creeping around with other men and women and even some women now creeping out to be with other men and women as well, this is NOT a safe environment for playing with sexual encounters, you know? I honestly believe God knew what He was doing when he tried to get His people to treat sex like a sacred gift to be unwrapped for your one and only - it's not about being a prude, it's about being clean, and healthy mentally/emotionally/physcially. Giving yourself more self-disicipline and commitment to focus on knowing if you are really menat to be together first only makes SENSE...we see the evidence all around us showing why doing it backwards doesn't work. Good post as always...

Wendy said...

Blu definitely a gift! I cherish every part of my being and I cannot just give away the essence for momentary gratification. Being single, I am approached with so much mess it makes me sick. People have forgotten to love themselves first. Yes, some have thrown morals out the window and those look at me like I am the crazy one when I put them in their place. I am worth more than two drinks and great conversation.

Don said...

Very nice blog post. I can't really say that I've read one similiar to this. There is definitely something about the pattern which you describe that rings loud and clear in my past, as well as the past of others.

I think this is one of the main reasons why I try to be extra careful when it comes to my next real relationship. So I can leave the things I do/did behind, forever.

Terry said...

Okay, I got a questions for YOU! (Since I can't really answer your question with any shock and awe)

Okay…I'm not sayin' that this has ever happened to me, (old, fat, white guy), but let's just pretend.

Let's say I was talking to a woman on the phone. Let's say it's a woman that I have talked to for a LONG time. Let's say that I have a connection with this woman. Lets' say the woman says, "If I asked you to have sex with me with no strings attached, would you?" Let's say I said "yes".

Blu Baby, would that make me a "gift" recipient or one fucked up individual? I'm just asking…I mean…it's not like that's ever happened to me…you know…just 'cause it could happen…you know…when I'm drunk…or…like, maybe…lightnin' struck…newspaper had the Headline "Pigs Fly"…or maybe…er, ah…subzero temps in hell…or something like that…yeah, what he said…

Blu Jewel said...

@mystery - agreed and thanks

@trina - preach! you've said all the things that i could have said in this post. sexual gratification is a complex thing, but ultimately it's something that should still not be entered into lightly.

@wendy - you said some serious things right here. self love is the very essence of being able to love another and there are few who realize that; to them it's simply lip service. i definitely feel you on what you're facing being single.

@don - agreed, we've all been caught up or caught out there in not recognizing goal from gift. now that you've learned the difference, it certainly will make your future relationships much better. That also ties into the emotional closet cleaning i mentioned last post.

@terry - given your scenario, it sounds like you'd be getting a gift. why? because you actually have something established and she's comfortable knowing that if she shared herself with you, it would be out of the love established and she wouldn't be treated like another conquest. LMAO @ your "it's not like that's ever happened to me" tirade.


Aunt Jackie said...

i know if i give myself to a man it's a gift, because i'm stingy with it!

it's also a curse. the older i get the hornier i get, but the wiser i am so although i have the hormones of a young man, the mind of a mature woman won't let me throw pearls to swine, which is to say that it if ain't right i'm not opening my legs and my heart and mind have to be opened first..

Mizrepresent said...

Preach blu... and to answer your question it is most definitely a gift. Lately, i have come to find meaningless sex, not worth the risk, or my time...although i am fighting urges on the daily, and yet i know i deserve more, and want to give more.

Don said...

@ blue jewel: i tend to agree with your reply. things are much better than they were last year around this time, both mentally and emotionally. So i can't complain. it really has made me stronger.

Have a good day and hope you enjoyed your weekend.

Blu Jewel said...

@aunt jackie - girl, i certainly feel you on the horny and hormones part..lol! jokes aside, it's important for us to have the restraing and resolve to make conscious decisions about who's coming (pun intended) into our lives.

@miz - amen! the right one; at the right time; but trust i know it's hard out there for us Cougars *wink*

@don - appreciate the rebuttal comment. just hearing you say you're in a better place now means all the right things are coming into place and when your queen comes, it will be a glorious day.


Ruthibelle said...

Amen to that! I agree wholeheartedly.

Sex is too serious to trivialise.

Keith said...

When I was a young man I thought that it was a goal...Now that I'm older, I realize that it's a gift.
Before I got married, I left a trail of meaningless relationships
behind me..a lot that I regretted..
Just glad I was given achance to find the real thing and kind of make amends for the past. Great Post..My first time here...Won't be my last.

jus butterfli said...

yeah. i know i'm late; but so what?!! (LOL)

i loved this line:
"It’s sad that people are more willing to shed their clothes than to share their true selves."

this post was well written & extremely thought provoking. or @ least it should have been. we've discussed this before & you know how i feel. i think your quote summed it up for me... "Sometimes doing the hard thing, is doing the right thing”.

but @ the same time, i think it depends on where you are in your life & what you want for yourself. everybody isn't in "lasting relationship" mode & only want "casual encounters" (for the lack of a better word) and i ain't mad @ 'em. whatever works for them, you know?

thanks for sharin'! peace! love!

Believer 1964 said...

Women have a gift; they know it and want to share it in that context. Problem is that most men they meet only have a goal. There lies the dilemma!

Men statistically are slower than a snail when it comes to making a commitment. Therefore, women give the "gift" freely, hope, and hold on.

I like your scenario of "fighting the urge for sudden instant physical gratification."

Blu Jewel said...

@ruthi - yes, sex is too serious to trivialise; however, we can be proactive in whichever side of the coin is chosen in terms of respect and protection. Thanks for the visit.

@keith - we've all done things in our past that we regret and being able to make the distinction between goal and gift shows both growth and maturity on your part. thanks for stopping by.

@jus - even when you're late, you're always on time in my house. *smile* thanks for receiving the word in a positive manner and for the compliment of it being well written. Your closing comment is powerful and is very much true. We all have different values and viewpoints regarding sex and how it's received/delivered. while we all want the fairytale, the bottom line does stand that some people simply want what they want. I, too, can't fault anyone for that.

I think ultimately, we (involved parties) should at least try some dialogue with their clothes ON before deciding if their sexual encounter is goal or gift. I think it would alleviate some of the tension, catching of feelings, etc. that could occur AFTER the deed is done.

'Preciate you throwing the curve ball in there.

@Believer - you're right, there are women who know they have a gift and want to share it accordingly, but with men being slower than a snail as you say, then there truly is a dilema. I think discussion as I said to Jus is more than necessary while fighting the urge; at least the blinders are off. The only drawback is that people often and do tell the other party what they want to hear, so there comes in that fine line.

@ALL - I truly appreciate everyone's comments and how they feel on this subject. As I've gotten older, I've found the playing field continues to be uneven in terms of what people want in and out of sex; however, I've also noticed that women have adopted a 'stick and move mentality also'. While most will never pull it off as successfully as men because women still act on emotion; they're looking as the goal being the gift in order to get what they want...and that's a blog for another day.