wrong in every way

I was over at Yazmar's spot; saw this pic, and was instantly mad as hell. This is the reason why we have some much inappropriate sexual behaviour in our community. Grown ass women acting a damn monkey with little boys. Whoever took this pic is just as bad as the stank thang in the pic. The little boy is all on his little tippy-toes trying to hump that a butt that's bigger than he is. This is so wrong and we need to stop thinking this is cute and appropriate.

I wish I would find some chic all up on one of my nephews and see if I don't slap the taste out her mouth without even hestitating. There is no way anyone can justify this as right.

Ugh....

Love to live; live to love!

Open Letter...Thanks!

Yesterday I was txting with New, Old Friend and he said something that really touched my heart. He said, "I like the way you mother ur baby". Wow! Those few simple words touched my heart because we've only been back in touch for a couple of months now, but he can see/hear that in me when it comes to Lil Lady. He once commented that he likes how we talk to each other when he heard us on the phone, but this means so much more than that. To me, it shows that he's really paying attention and he knows how much my being a mother to her means to me. He doesn't try to continue a conversation with me if he knows we're together and says, spend your time with her and we'll talk later. That level of care and respect is important and shows compassion and maturity on his part. Even though Lil Lady is almost 17, she's still my baby and I put my all into her and the time we spend together. He's been good about not asking to see me when she's on my dime and doesn't mind waiting until she's with her dad to get some time in with me.

So, thanks New, Old Friend for being the kind, sensitive, and understanding person you are. It means so much that you respect my position as a parent as well as apreciating me as a woman.

Love to live; live to love!

protecting our chldren part 2

On Monday afternoon I caught an episode of Montel where he was updating the viewers on previous guests. I watched in curious anticipation of what the show would entail and I quickly found out, and was immediately moved to tears as a result.

Montel was getting the current status on children who’d been assaulted on school grounds. I was shocked, appalled, and almost homicidal as the guests recounted the trauma that their children suffered at the hands of their peers. One boy and his friend (both aged 7) had been in the bathroom when four older boys (aged 12) came in and began threatening them. They kicked and punched the one boy, pushed him down, pulled his pants off and began raping him with a stick and then forced the stick into his penis. The four boys went on to force their penises in the boy’s mouth and in fear the remaining boy ran out to get help. He told the playground monitor what was happening and they disregarded his pleas; giving him no comfort at all. The abused boy lived in fear, pain, and intimidation for 31 days before he finally spoke up. Naturally, his mother contacted the school and sought retribution for her child only to be slapped in the face by the school not acknowledging the assault and rape. The offending boys were not suspended, expelled, or given any disciplinary punishment. The abused child under gone two surgical procedures to help correct the damage done to him and is facing a third; in spite of all the surgeries he will be scarred for life.

The real sad part of this story and the others I heard about is that the victim was treated like the bad guy. He was given no protection where needed and his abuse was compounded by school officials denying the severity of the problem and not ensuring the offenders were punished. To add insult to injury, the DA refused to prosecute citing they didn’t have enough proof or grounds. WTF? So, a 7 year old boy is violently attacked and raped, which was in part witnessed by his friend who reported it and you don’t have enough grounds? Friends, I had no words. None, zip, zero, nada! I was stunned and appalled that the school and the so-called judical system failed that child in gargantuan proportions.

This is one of many; if not hundreds of incidents that is occurring in our schools today. As parents, aunts, uncles, older brothers or sisters, we must play an active role in our children’s live in terms of their safety. We must get active in the school and find out what its policies are on bullying, assault, and other crimes that take place on school grounds. It’s important that we monitor our children’s grades, health, and behavior in order to know when something isn’t quite right. We must not remove our children from the schools when they are the victims because by doing that we’re allowing the problem to continue and leave other children in a violent environment. Instead we must remain diligent in our efforts to force the school and local authorities to take the appropriate action against the offenders. And where applicable, seek legal counsel from a lawyer who specializes in crimes against children because they are the most receptive to the issue.

Child on child violence is nothing to ignore as it can be equally brutal to adult on child violence. Furthermore, it forces dialog on how these offending children became so violent and dangerous in the first place. More often than not, the offending child was a victim of some form of abuse and/or exposed to sexual things prematurely. We cannot continue to sit idly by while our children are either becoming victims or the victimizer. Intervention and counseling is necessary for these children to understand that their actions are wrong and unacceptable. Appropriate action is mandatory to reducing this potential epidemic.

“I believe the children are our future; teach them well and let them lead the way; show them all the beauty they possess inside…” *excerpt from “Greatest Love of All”*

If that is really true, then we have of work to do; starting right NOW!

Love!

And I wonder Part 2

I look at lil lady who'll be 16 on Friday and wonder what I'd do if someone violated her in any way. As one who's been on the down side of that issue, I know my gut instinct would be to shoot first; ask questions later. Naturally, that wouldn't serve either my daughter of myself well seeing as I'd end up indicted because I wouldn't be able to conjure up Johnny Cochran (RIP) to get me off.

Since lil lady was 18 months old, I began teaching her about "good touch' bad touch" because she was enterting pre-school and I wanted her to know that people couldn't just touch her any old kind of way. I told her that neither an adult nor a child could touch her under her clothes, between her legs, or in any way that made her uncomfortable. Fortunately, lil lady was quite a talker at an early age and seemed to comprehend what I was saying and was vocal (in her own way) in asking about what I meant. I checked her over daily and asked if anyone had touched her when she went to the bathroom. Thank goodness there were no negative reports, but it never gave me room for pause because I know how quickly and easily these things can occur.

As she aged, I continued to educate her about "good touch; bad touch" and reinforced how important it was to tell me or another adult she trusted if someone did anything to her. I also reinforced to her that she could talk to me about anything no matter what it was because I would be there to support her through everything. Again, I was and continue to be fortunate that nothing bad has happened to her and I pray that it never will. I feel good as a parent that I take the time to talk to my daughter about not letting anyone do anything to her or be in a position where she could be violated or compromised in any way. As a survivor, I speak from first hand knowledge to lil lady so I don't sound text book, so she can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'll be there in everyway, and that I'll always advocate her safety and well being. I refuse to be that parent who doesn't speak about sexual crimes to their daughter or son for that matter. I refuse to think that it couldn't happen to mine. I also refuse to accept that she should remain silent God-forbid something happened to her. We've discussed the importance of speaking up, coming forward, and enlisting the law if necessary. Forget embarassment and such; sexual assault is a CRIME!

I wasn't fortunate to receive all the warnings, advice, and information that I provide lil lady. I also didn't have the confidence in telling anyone what happened to me until much later in my life. I was blessed to receive strong pastoral guidance, the care of two great counselors, and a few compassionate friends to aid in my recovery and survivorship. I'm in a wonderful place in my life and have put that past very far behind me. It's my goal to help anyone male or female through the recovery process of sexual abuse. It's a heinous and ugly crime that is inflicted far too often.

Whether we realize it or not, we all know someone who's been a victim of a sexual crime. Sexual crimes are not crimes of violence; though the act itself can be; it's a crime of deviance and control. We must not allow this to continue. I ask that each of you get in touch with a resource center and see what you can do to help those affected by sexual crimes. We react to the raping of children in other countries with disgust and passion, yet fail to react when it happens in our homes or communities. Though it's a global epidemic, we must take care of home first. We need to rebuild our communities and prevent this dysfunction and the silence from continuing. We must attention to the behavior patterns of our children. We must stop using sex as a tool or a weapon of mass desrtuction. We have to encourage open dialog on this topic and stop shying away from it. That uncle whom we know it a little "off" so we stay away from him must be confronted if his behavior is that questionable. We can NOT ignore the signs that are often very much obvious.

I'm not embarassed to air my past because I feel that by doing so I'm letting it go and also helping someone else work toward their own healing and recovery.

Love!

protecting our children

If I hear of one more child being abused, I’m going to commit homicide. Yes, I realize that’s quote a profound statement and one that I’m unlikely to execute, but I sure as hell would like to.

Recently, lil lady told me of a friend (we’ll call her Lisa) of hers who’d been abused by her uncle. Being the concerned parent that I am, I asked if there was anything I could do to help Lisa because it sounded like an intervention needed to happen. Lil lady told me that Lisa fears her cousin is also being abused, but she can’t prove it and fears that if she does tell, her aunt and cousin will suffer because the aunt doesn’t work. The uncle is the sole provider for the family. Lisa has exhibited behavior conducive to that of an abuse victim and is harboring a burden that is not fair and too heavy for her to carry.

I told lil lady that Lisa is welcome to come to the house anytime and that I’d be willing to listen to her and help her in any way I can. I understand Lisa’s trepidation, but it pisses me off to no end that her uncle continues to have that control over her. It’s said that he makes inappropriate comments to/about other girls in the family and his own child seems withdrawn and overly quiet. That in itself is a typical sign of an abused child.

I want to do something. I want to help Lisa relieve her burden and also help her aunt and cousin. They need the predator removed from their lives and he needs to be jailed and hopefully treated for his perversion. I’m sick and tired of our children being the victims of this type of crime and even worse the perp knowing that for the most part; he’ll get away with it. The long lasting and damaging effects of what Lisa has and continues to go through will haunt her unless she speaks up and speaks out. I was tempted to make a call to social services and inquire as to what could be done to help the family emotionally, psychologically, and financially, but opted out because I didn’t want to be pressed for information I 1) couldn’t give or 2) reveal information that seems like it’s not my place to give. Isn’t that a mofo though? You know what you’re doing is right, but in some ways you know it can do more harm? This is the dilemma that I don’t know how to handle.

As a parent, I could go to the end of the earth to seek justice for my child should she be an abuse victim. As a parent, I want to be an advocate for children in this position so they have a voice and know there’s someone out there that cares for them. Hell, even if I wasn’t a parent, I’d still feel the same way. I think it’s imperative that we find ways to help our children from being victims of incest, familial rape, and other forms of sexual abuse. This is a pervasive crime and crosses into all races and cultures. We all know directly or indirectly someone who’s been sexually assaulted or abused whether it occurred in their childhood or adulthood. The crime is a crime regardless of age, but the effects are so much more for a child to handle and grow up with.

As adults, it’s important for us to have productive roles in the lives of children; be they our own, siblings, nieces or nephews, godchildren, etc. Next month is Sexual Abuse Awareness month and I hope that each of us will do our part to serve and protect those in need. The child you see on the block, in the mall, or in a playground could be a victim, just as the man or woman right next to you could have or could be a victim. Equally, that man or woman could be a perpetrator. We must be proactive in whatever ways we can to prevent crimes like this from happening.

While, I still don’t know how I’m going to help Lisa, I’ve at least opened the door through lil lady and continue to pray for it to end one way or another.

Love!

Joseph for example....

As I sat in church yesterday and listened to pastor talk about Joseph, "father" of Jesus, I thought about how important a father is in the life of his child/dren and how so many men have come to take that for granted.

While Joseph is only mentioned in 16 versus of the New Testament his role was not nearly as insiginifcant as his 16 versus, in fact he was extremely important and a positive role model for all men to follow. Why? Because although Joseph didn't immediately believe that he child was legitimately his; he accepted the word of the angels and assumed the role of father. He followed the word of God and supported Mary and raised Jesus as his own son. He didn't let anything stand in his way of supporting his family and treated Jesus no differently had he been his biological father.

Now, in a day and age where many men knowing create children, they are turning their backs on them as if the children are dispensible items. Correction, the condom should have been. I'm not letting the women off the hook here either because they should be protecting themselves against pregnancy too. That aside, my point goes back to the men. Many men in today's society are/were raised by a single mother. Many of these men never knew their father's and if they did the relationship was (in some instances) are strained one. Forgive me if I sound like I'm brow beating all men; I'm not. I'm merely pointing out some facts and not attacking those who have stepped up to the plate.

I digress. If you as a man are not willing, ready, or able to play your part in the childs life, then do whatever you can to prevent that pregnancy from occuring. If you have reason to believe that ol' girl was sharing her cookies, then be willing to take a paternity test. If the child is yours, then take care of him/her and be the best parent you can be. Furthermore, if you've decided to be with a women who already has children, still be a good role model for that child. Women, stop laying down with every and any man hoping he'll be a good daddy to that child.

Our children are having a hard time making it in this society and if we keep creating them without regard for their future, what kind of future will they have? I was recently over at Electronic Village and came across this article.
America has lost generation of black boys, which describes how black men are regarded in this country and how other countries are considering adpoting some of the US's policies.

I've said all this to say, that Joseph was a fine example of how a man, husband, and father should be. He followed God, supported his wife, and took care of his son. Granted Jesus was not biologically his, but he assumed his role and did it well. Fathers, be they biological, step, adoptive, surrogate, or godfathers need to step up to the plate and do their part. They need to look at Joseph as their example and follow his lead. Men, and the women who love them, I implore you to give these children the love, care, time, and attention they deserve and require. Women do your part also. If you're fortunate to have a supportive father to your child, tell him how much you appreciate his help, role, and love. Think of Mary and how she could have been divorced, disgraced, and disowned had Joseph not listened to the angels in his dream. Women, stop putting yourself in positions where paternity has to be questioned and/or challenged. Men stop helping to create children you're unwilling or unable to raise and play an active/positive role in their lives.

Parenting is a two person activity and we must remember and practice that.

Parenting

I heard a sports announcer from ESPN radio say that one shouldn’t want to be a good parent so they can be better than their parent, but should be or wish to be a good parent because they want to. As he said it over and over again, I couldn’t help but agree with him.

Parenting is not a competition or a status to be maintained, but a dedication to raising a child to the best of our abilities; even when we fall short as we sometimes do.

It’s a known fact that many of us didn’t like the way we were raised and swore that if we became parents, we’d be nothing like our own, but that being said, should it be the motivating mindset to being a good parent? I don’t think so. When most of us became parents, it was because we wanted a child in our lives. Nowhere in our course of thinking did we say, “hey, I wanna become a parent so I can show mine how much they sucked at it by being so much better than they are.” If anyone did actually think that, then I digress; however, I’m sure that wasn’t a popular thought by any stretch of the imagination. At some point, we may have said, “I don’t want to do certain things like my parents because it hindered more than in helped me”.

Seeing as there isn’t a handy-dandy instructional guide that we’re presented with upon choosing to be a parent, so our parents and maybe a relative here or there might have been the closest thing to instructional guides we could get. Yeah, there are manuals and how to book filling shelves in libraries and bookstores, but many are too generic to say if they’d really work on our own children. Hell, who the heck has time to read when you’ve got a kid in need of regular time and attention. Free time becomes a luxury and it’s rarely spent on handy-dandy books. For many, we’ll reach for the phone and consult another parent; our own included. Bottom line is that we’ll still do what the hell we want to do anyway, but just making that call doesn’t make you feel like such a loser.

I’ve said all of this to say, that making a decision to be a parent something to take seriously as it’s a job we can’t just quit from. We should chose the role with great consideration and disengage from the thought that we’re doing it because we want to be better than someone else. We should do it for the love of the child and for unwavering, unconditional, and unrelenting love period.